This topic discusses the relationship between ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) and God.
As someone who has been professionally diagnosed with the ASPD criteria, and believes in God... I am often left wondering how to navigate in my interactions with the world in correspondence to a moral code.
For those who don't know, ASPD signs and symptoms may include:
Disregard for right and wrong
Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others
Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others
Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure
Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated
Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behaviour
Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty
Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead
Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence
Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others
Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behaviour with no regard for the safety of self or others
Poor or abusive relationships
Failure to consider the negative consequences of behaviour or learn from them
Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfil work or financial obligations
and these people are very often thought to be associated with narcissistic personality disorder, which is something I too recognise within myself.
Growing up, I lacked self awareness... and when doing something that I knew was morally wrong, I would actively deceive myself into believing I was the victim so that I could continue pursuing my irresponsible and manipulative tactics. Only within the past 2-3 years have I come to face the reality that my previous behaviour has been incredibly chaotic and immoral. I'm not proud to admit this, and can recognise that I was simply wired to be this way as a form of survival. I lacked power in my childhood, and from a young age learnt to spot opportunities to gain potential power through forms of lying, manipulation, stealing, cheating, etc.
So... you may ask. If I now recognise this within myself, why don't I just stop?
Simply because I am enthralled by chaos. I shouldn't like to admit that I do love the thrill of successfully manipulating people. I somehow feel empowered by my lack of empathy. I often feel restless, and am addicted to indulging in the consequential spontaneity of feeling so. I can't help but feel a smirk when I hear of someones misfortune. I love the challenge of it all, and the perks of my achievements. I know it's wrong, but I don't feel bad about it. I know it's a low level of consciousness, but I don't know how to change!
When I pray to God, I ask to be gifted with the desire to want to be better. Because for some reason.. perhaps due to my lack of emotional depth, I don't even feel anything in relation to wanting to change. It's like asking a kid to not want Christmas. I don't ask to be better, because that feels two steps ahead. I ask to be given the ability to want to be better.
Well, I acknowledge that God is everyone and everything. Expanding through infinite expressions. And I see order and chaos is integral to this expansion. So this in some way encourages me to continue down these pathways of chaos, because I think surely I wouldn't be this way for no reason??? God created the Devil for a reason, no? This isn't a way of approving this behaviour, but it's something I often think about and am curious to hear what others think.
I never asked to not feel bad about these things. I never asked to be wired this way. I also don't see myself as a victim and I know that everything I do is my responsibility. I try to journal, meditate, introspect and so forth... in these moments I observe potential opportunities in my life that I could exploit, and tell myself that I will NOT pursue them. Like a naughty kid eyeing up the cookie jar. But when these moments fall in my lap, I struggle to say no to myself. It's hard to stop the impulse when you lack guilt. Even to this day I find myself consumed by toxic pursuits. The novelty of these moments fill me with passion, and before I know it.. I'm kind of bored again.
Everybody talks about how to spot a sociopath, deal with a sociopath, or to avoid sociopaths.. but nobody tells you how to deal with being one. Most people avoid even talking to you out of fear. I understand why, but for an ASPD person who wants to show up in the world as a positive force, but feels this goes against their wiring... how do I start when no one wants to listen?
