Last night, I was trying to get some sleep and suddenly, my Mom called me at about 11:30 in the night just to see if I spilled something over a mess in the fridge that I still never saw that wasn't even me so I don't even know what happened. She didn't want me to do anything about it, she just wanted to be sure. She apparently didn't know that I was sleeping just because she herself stays up longer which seems unreasonale to assume from someone else even if she thinks she knows me. It's not like I have a consistent bedtime routine which is what I'm trying to work on so it's unreasonable for her to just assume. Also, my Mom thinks that her interruptions are so important when they are not. It's as if she is desperate to get my attention, could it just be who is too reserved? Why then does it seem to be other people that I  try to hard to participate in conversations and why are they resistent to me? What do they think about me behiind my back and why? I care more about not knowing than what people think because I just want to change myself to be more likeable without people seeming fake to me and I even treat them nicely. If you suggest that I stop doing so or confront them on the situation, I will also be unlikable for being too mean and people will gaslight this kind of confrontation because of my autism regardless if if it's intentional or not. Anyways, back to my my Mom.
She has trauma of getting yelled at but I'm sick and tired of never being allowed to get angry with anyone but she never even bothers to see a therepist and I can see that it makes her very immature and gets out of hand. If my Dad is allow to have a bad attitude with her Mom, why can't I if I am an adult? Telling her nicely doesn't work, she doesn't change her ways because this isn't the first time that this happened and I don't want this to happen ever again. If I don't suppress my anger or even if I speak in the slightest annoyed tone, my Mom will start throwing a temper tantrum asking what is wrong with me. My Mom also acts nicely in front of other people even if she doesn't like what I say or do instead of being honest about it in public and expects me to give the same treatment to her all the time. There was this other time where I was on a call with my Russian teacher and my tone was slightly off, and my Mom threw a temper tantrum threatening me to take away my smartphone. She was embarrased when she forgot to mute the call but she might have gotten defensive because the person on the other end was her boyfriend. She never seems to apoligize about these things, nor does she want to listen to these things. She would either deny that these mistakes ever happened or say how I am wrong somehow. There was also a post about my Mom throwing a big fit about some food situation and there was a book recommendation about dealing with immature parents, what was the book called agiain? I forgot the name of the conversation. I think I type some problem abut my Mom and maybe I can find it. Keep in mind that my Dad is not around to help me because he is divorced.
I have a document below that I created about the situation last night which is why it comes as a file instead of just bullet points. I don't really think it's going to affect my attachment limit too much and why is there an attachment limit anyways?
I might not even have my student transcript yet but I'll check it later even though it's taking longer than usual while I have no control over what's going on except for checking my email and emailing the admissions team when approprite. I also have why I cannot get a job in Russia since I don't even have a college degree. This is what my Mom says but I got quick relevant results during my conversation with ChatGPT instead of going from website to website since ChatGPT works like a conversation. I only use if I absolutely cannot find relevant information because it's an AI language model. 
https://poe.com/s/uYMqxbVs6v0GFL8S81TV
Also, my parents don't have much control over my VISA situation, otherwise I wouldn't have to leave the country every 6 months which means that I'm stuck living with my Mom. I could just go to college in the US but I forgot why I'm even taking college online. It's probably just because my major allows me to and that it's more convient but I need to learn how to be more in control of my life and actually have a plan.
Problems With Mom to Resolve.txt
Why It's Hard to Get a Job In Russia.txt

It was nothing new; it was a deepening and more interconnected knowledge of my previous discoveries. All is consciousness sure, but how interconnected is your consciousness? All is imaginary sure, but are you aware of how you are doing that? So I became conscious of the infinite narratives that I was spawning behind each moment to explain the present experience that was happening. I had this insight before, but the definition and understanding of how this process is unfolding up to its microscopic level really recontextualizes everything.
I also felt metaphysical love which is very different from emotions, I would explain it as an embracement of what is, but I really don't have that much of experience to articulate it well. It was not ecstasy or bliss; it was just abstract love independent of the content, so the love could not be another content. 
Probably the most shocking understanding was about awakening, understanding what that word means or points to. It felt like all my life I had been severely drunk and now I finally had sobered up from that confusion. It felt a lot like that, it's a really accurate description.
 
Extra points for Malt: The afterglow is gorgeous. My mind has been able to lock and make permanent some of the features of the trip. My mind's stability has been improved significantly, I don't know if this will be temporary or it will go away, but it feels that some of it will definitely stay.
 
Yes you are right scientifically speaking it's very safe in this regard. However, in subjective experience it's opening another can of worms. Don't you feel overwhelmed and exhausted after 8h of intense sensory amplification? At least I do.

Wow, where to begin? This is not a drug, and I can't even say it's a psychedelic. It feels like sobering up from a dream. It's not a high feeling or a trip, it's how things are when you are conscious and alive. I am very surprised and happy about malt, this is what I had been searching for. It really feels like my natural awakenings there is not this mystical psychedelic vibe to it, there is just consciousness and you can become more conscious and more awake. It really has this property of this is how things are, this is natural, this is real. This is probably what has surprised me the most, the no-drug vibes no-tripping, just awakening, just consciousness.
The other aspect that I should also mention is the energetic demands. So I went to a physiotherapist prior to my trip and during the trip I had to work through energetic blockages. There was some nausea but everything was fine. Malt has given me some LSD vibes in the sense of energetic amplification and the feeling of "unblock and heal" within my body/being. I expect, as I use more the substance, to clear myself up from all blockages. It is clear that this is not the purpose of the trip. It's something that happens to purify and evolve the vessel to host higher consciousness. Or even better said, that higher consciousness is trying to be manifested but it finds blockages in the human form that need to be worked out, to make the flow of consciousness without resistance. 
I enjoyed how stable and interconnected my mind was during the trip. The fact of being no mind but from a full active mind standpoint was extremely satisfactory. I'm very intellectual and I have to confess that I loved how pure, stable and holistic my mind was during the trip. Nothing to do with loopy thoughts of classic psychedelics. I had the consciousness and also accessed it by other methods but malt's clarity is outstanding. It's what you really want and not any distracting meaningless other phenomena going on. 
About plugging: It works great for me and I'll use it in the future. It's just mental resistance to put something in your ass but I didn't even notice it. It's easier than what you would think. It gave me some mild stomach discomfort but I don't know if it's just the malt, the working of energetic blockages or the plugging. 
Overall conclusion: This is the Holy Grail of my life's search. This is the tool that I'll be using in my work for years to come. Thank you Leo, you really made the difference.

@Leo Gura I now understand the difference between consciousness and simulation when it comes to models but how is consciousness not a simulation if everything is consciousness? Did you mean that the entire Universe as consciousness is not a simulation? In one of your videos, you tried to help me imagine what an infinite object is like. You gave me certain dualities to describe it and that there are infinite dualities to imagine for this infinite object which should include simulation and non-simulation. Is that how mystical experiences are able to show some sort of simulation or is it all non-sense? Does it have to do with the dream that cannot be modeled by anything or is consciousness prior to dream? Does the ego interpret mystical experiences, generate them on beliefs, or do both? I think t the answer is both but what determines which of these 3 options will affect the mystical experience and how would you then know that mystical experiences are then absolutely true? It seems like what you say is true compared to other ideas but I can't explain it to you, maybe because I can't explain it to because I'm coming from the rationalist paradigm? Can't mystical experiences threaten the ego? Why would it be threatened if it can distort the truth or does it do so because it is threatened? If mystical experiences can be invalid, what makes it different from direct experience which makes it valid? And how come asking questions on the forum seems like the only way for me to generate questions to contemplate on? If reality cannot be a simulation, then it should also be an absolute limitation instead of just Absolute Love for the higher good in the video of what will actually is and so is the fact that there cannot be anything outside of consciousness. 

Simulation means a model of something else. But consciousness is not a model of anything else, it is directly itself. So not a simulation. You can dream of simulations but if you're Awake you see consciousness directly as consciousness, not any kind of simulation.
You asked a bunch of other questions but I don't have time to answer them all.

Ultimately reality could be a simulation but conciousness isn't simulated its something else. So you could be in a simulation but thats not what you are. If you are in one it dosent matter cause you are not even in it its just pretending to be in one. Like you would be pretending to not be in a simulation if you weren't in one. You very well could be pretending to be in a simulation and that could be true and you could be pretending to be in base reality. From my mushroom trip they def felt like I was in some sort of alien simulation inside a computer but I'm not any of that I am something else. If you were in a sim what could be out of the simulation at the same time?
Pretend you wear a vr headset inside the game you a character you move around in the game if you in it long enough you might start to think you are the character but there is something outside the sim that cannot be in the simulation. That is your awareness outside the simulation that let's the whole simulation exists

I don't really understand the concept of how people can create AI that is smarter than people. I think that they would think that they need to know what the nature of intelligence actually is, at least not as deeply as Leo knows it. I find it far fetched that just being trained on text is somehow a threat to humanity. Some bots even have timestamps that prevent them from gaining more information. However, with lack of restrictions, there might be a disaster for features that require more responsibility. To determine if AI should be shut down or not, there needs to be a specific reason, for creating better AI instead of just having some arms race, or it might become too much of a good thing. There is also the possibility to create AI that can control how sentient AI can be if that is even possible for AI to have and to create such AI to moderate. It's kind of like with social media. It's self-aware that people spend too much time on it and encourages it to be moderated. This means that self-awareness might be a good thing but I personally think that AI has no reason to be against humanity as long as people are concerned about the consequences nor would it have any emotions to resent people.

@Leo GuraI have important question(s) for you and other people can answer too. This might actually get your attention and I'm starting to get the strange feeling that we are incompatible but it's really difficult to explain that at the moment. Let's just say that I think that there is a deeper reason with why we don't interact with each other that we are both probably unaware of and why I'm not on your priorities or on your radar when it comes to interacting with people on the forum. When contemplating, it's easy to generate nothing or for me just to get too distracted by thoughts that is probably just mental masturbation without even recording anything but it seems like I'm now in the ideal state of mind to be posting on the forum. Now without further-a-do, let's begin.
First of all, I have some things to say about the UFO video you posted on your blog. First of all, the visions I had tell me that aliens probably exist and the most convincing vision I had while awake sober before even learning about aliens was an alien piece of technology that behaved supernaturally in which the switch or lever disappeared when I left my room. My intuition would tell me that it might have changed my social interactions although the superficial answer would be that my autism causes their current results which is what I say, do, and behave on my behalf. Glowing entities that appeared to me might have been angels since they can take different forms according to Teal Swan but you probably don't buy into that which is why I think that it is likely for demons to exist too but I'll discuss the problems with talking about whether or not demons exist (it's a general problem with understanding truth).
Now where is what I think of alien footage as "evidence": Although I'm confident that aliens exist, I wouldn't call alien footage of a UFO as actual "evidence". Afterall, there is still the possibility of it being photoshoped or it being AI generated. You also have to take into that is footage of stuff you consider to be false like footage of glitches in the matrix. You would consider that to be fake footage. I think that it easy for you to call the alien footage real without a shadow of a doubt because the YouTube algorithm knows the footage you would want to watch. Anyways, you get my point. 
You have claimed in one of your videos that you are detached from the idea of "alien fucking spacecraft" but I think the difference between you and me is how we perceive technology since we both claim that we are detached from the belief in aliens which is relevant to contemplating how much the UFO footage is evidence for anything. From my observations, it seems like you are ignorant from technology generally speaking. First of all, I can't tell what is being discussed on the right side of the forum index/homepage. It looks even worse on Android TV with the scaling to the point where I can't even read the forum but most websites don't work properly there anyways and it could just be the browser I'm using on that device. You also scatter your notes into different notebooks around your house instead of keeping it into a consistent place like Google Docs on your phone. You might actually be aware of this option and chose the option that is less likely to distract you since the app managers are not very nuanced, at least not to me and whatever works for you. You also tend to emphasize on computers when you speak of simulations. These are all examples that I want you to be aware of the more I observe you. 
Now I have questions for your video on why reality cannot be a simulation that has more to do with the topic on the sub-forum: Why can't God imagine that the universe is a simulation? You say that I am God but you say that I have free will if I were to identify as the entire Universe and that God imagines what is possible and impossible and I think speaking dualistically would clear up confusion in this context. And can God really imagine anything outside of consciousness if everything is Mind? You say that Love is the only absolute limition for the higher good because God is Love. My next question is why does simulation theory have to work with aliens all the way up just like with turtles all the way down and that simulations have to be simulated all the way up infinitely? Why is there a negative stereotype when it comes to new-agers believing this and when it comes to New Age in general whenever you refer to "New Age bullshit"? It's been awhile since I watched that video and a lot seems irrelevant to this question in the video. 
Now I have questions about what you think about demons: First of all, I'm skeptical what Teal Swan says about demons. There tends to 3 ideas about demons from demons that I noticed from spiritual teachers:
1. That demons don't exist. 
2. That there can only be demonic contracts with demons. 
3. That demons cause possession. 
I got the 3rd idea from the book called Kundalini Awakening in chapter 12 about phychic powers but I'm only going to focus on what is most likely to be true from that book and if there isn't backed up by someone else's personal experience, it would seem to suggest that we live in a subjective collective reality. It really does seem like my mind is the source of all demons from this standpoint even if my personal experience MIGHT have involved angels which is important to take into account since we live in dualistic reality. But what about that person who said that there was dark energy within you who didn't want you to keep coming back to him for money when you had a serious health problem? Would you also say now that this is because the mind is the source of all demons? I can show a video of the healthy and unhealthy benefits of fish even though you probably know but you do sure put a lot of emphasize on the health consequences from your experience which would be heavy metals and I don't blame you. But the stuff I was taught is good for me you say is bad for me like omega 3 in fish and yeast for example even though consuming those things would make me more susceptible to heavy metals. This is just one example and won't be getting into that here. I messaged a moderator about this who is an expert in health who said that this varies from person to person and said he doesn't see a reason for why I can't eat fish even though I would like to become vegan but you give personal advice in the video about heavy metal toxicity. 
Hopefully, we can come to a conclusion about all of this so that these questions and concerns can be resolved. Keep in mind that I find you to be one of the most valuable teachers out there. I know that you would want give your feedback on science because of how much you want to improve it which is what I want to do here but it could be me is mistaken, please be honest. I hope that you find value in this. 

And yet when the novelty wears out that doesn't mean we grasp everything there is to grasp about any given subject. I'm talking about the basic stuff, whatever is being taken for granted. What does one know, really?
Here's an interesting thought: boredom might be a sign of arrogance.
Time to open up and contemplate.

There comes a time when the driving instructor must hand the wheel over to the student and a time when the student becomes the sovereign driver simply by driving alone. How else will they learn to drive the car if the instructor is always validating every manoeuvre and decision. It is the students decision to decide that they have learned and been guided as far as they can be guided. The instructor has no way of knowing if the student is ready. Only the student knows when they themselves possess the confidence in themselves to truly be the driver. There is a period of uncertainty between leaving the safety and familiarity or fallback of a person validating your every move and the point where you assume full responsibility. That chasm must be crossed alone. 
 
great is the day a therapist sees his client walk out the door after telling him he doesn’t need him anymore and he will never see his client again. He has passed on the tools for his client to now manage his own mind and discern for himself how to approach a situation. 
 

Although I messaged Leo with his name during the conversation, he just ignores me so here are my questions:
 How is Non-Duality not Awakening when you said that Awakening is realizing that you are God and there that there is no one else but you? I don't see any dualities here. Does separation occur because there is no difference between duality and non-duality since it's a duality that collapses?
What makes God Alien Intelligence if God is everywhere? Is the intelligence "Alien" because it transcends human intelligence as the godhead?
 

I don't like the idea of heaven or hell and here's why: Heaven is worshipping God forever which means that God is never satisfied with and that he wants to be worshipped even though he was just entitled to be God. Hell, on the other hand is just eternal suffering which is bad and separation from God just so happens to be that place. It would be more loving for God to create reincarnation or to have souls to cease to exist. Also, sin cannot be the cause for people to go to hell since other people became Christian and accepted Christ who were also sinners before becoming Christian and still are according to the Christian paradigm. Christians tried to help me understand this but the Holy Spirit didn't help me to do so while I was a Christian and after seeking God's wisdom. And I don't mean to speak badly of it, it's just a fact within the Christian paradigm.
I see that people keep listening to the church as if they don't already know what they believe. It's just an affirmation that the truth does not require. I know about the crucifixion of Jesus, that God is love, etc. Not only are there other religions that I know less about, but this affirmation when it comes to defending pushes me away that the Bible is even the word of God because it never tells me how I can become directly conscious of what it says. Even if God answers my prayers, I only imagine that the Christian God is doing so if I were to be a Christian. Maybe it's something else that just so happens to agree with the Bible, it's not direct experience.
The reason I post this is so that I can one day stand up for what I actually believe or don't believe in and that beliefs don't matter compared to awareness. I also want to feel listened to by someone out there.

I think it’s down to how deep you contemplate a subject without getting attached to it as some kind of rigid justification. 5MeO is such a drastically  different experience to when you sober up that the ego tends to backlash big time and Co opt the experience. I notice this happens to a lot of 5MeO users in the beginning. If you are capable of moving past it by watching how the ego behaves as you come back into the relative and evermore subduing it till it doesn’t take over when you come back, you can have a better time of integrating the experience without projecting bias onto it.  What we realise maybe found within the experience itself or the act of realisation when we are in relativity consciousness but then we go on to use it to justify all the minutiae. I had the opportunity to do 5MeO under the care of Ollie Martin of ( 5MeO movie where 3 guys from Britain/Ireland went to the Netherlands for what could best be described as soul searching in a midlife crisis). He did very well by respecting my request not to interfere in any way with my trip but he projected onto me afterwards. I found him to be very fear based, judgmental with pre conceived beliefs and stuck in conspiracies. He was also still struggling with basic familial childhood traumas that should have been addressed by now. Watching how your own mind works and continuing to observe it during day to day experiences is a vital part of integration but also practicing changing the patterns that are causing problems. That really needs to get out of the way so you can get down to the nitty gritty, philosophical, hyper logic and reason deconstruction of relativity so you can have a chance at really understanding these profound experiences. I read martins book and it waffled on for ages. While I can’t dismiss what he’s saying ( that’s his perspective and how he understands it) I can’t get over a facilitator getting so intoxicated to the point of throwing up on a client when they are meant to be sitting and being responsible for the care of the client. While I understand that the infinite doesn’t care about such things, they don’t matter at all, there is a certain amount of responsibility someone should hold up within themselves while conducting themselves as a human.

@StarStruck I take your point. I suppose I'd refine my comment and say she has a top notch intellectual understanding of how to resolve trauma. 

This is what happens when people expect idols and role models, or arbitrators of authority.
Frankly, people who experience ESP, and have since childhood, seem to have a whole separate set of problems to deal with and make sense of on their own terms. I was not that person as a child, but I have known many people who have. Their issues are not your issues, making sense of their direct experience is something that pretty much every person grapples with.

I don't know about the veracity of her specific backstory (or backstories), but yea... what is the actual issue or controversy here?
What she's saying is pretty logical. She's just saying that humans create thoughtforms, both intentionally and unintentionally, and this has an impact on the world through time, including in the present era, long after the original biological beings who created them died, and even long after a certain relationship with power is not central to society. (Let's just call it "stage red" or whatever.) I don't know about her specific backstory but...
Some people see ESP phenomenon rather directly. Some people do not. Some people autosuggest whole stories when it comes to entities and get very emotionally involved in these worlds (this is admittedly often occurring in the New Age, and this has been my observation as well). Some people do not so much. Sometimes it's a bit of both, which is why it's a not a bad strategy to not get overly emotionally involved in what you experience in this way in a personal sense.
It is hard to say which side she skews toward just based on listening to her though, but she is not wrong to say that there is a cause/ effect situation going on. The impact of these psychological/ energetic factors does not necessarily lessen just because you don't believe in it and think it is irrelevant. That's kind of the point. And anyway, she is pointing to the psychological phenomenon behind these sort of "contracts". You could literally just ignore all of the "extra" stuff, and focus on the psychological aspect of self-resolution and not making contracts with yourself/ life/ "the universe" of a certain nature ("stage red principles"), and ignore the rest for all practical purposes.
I have also seen "entities" in human spaces, and in non-human spaces,  more at some points and much less at other points. Really not a big deal? I would think people who were not atheistic, materialist, and secular would be a bit more openminded.
Being oblivious to a specific dynamic because it involves absolutely nothing of your direct experience and perception isn't really saying much about you, is it? Other than that you don't experience anything, have never experienced anything directly, and therefore you have nothing to make of it anyway.
Like what does this even mean qualitatively?
Not necessarily disagreeing, though it's not like I'm in the position to judge either exactly, lol.
Every single person who experiences the spontaneous ESP phenomenon has a bunch of screws loose by heteronormative standards.
Are you better because you smash back a bunch of psychedelics and then also experience things? (Or don't?) I don't get it.
So what are the standards for one group of people who are utterly unhinged by heteronormative standards, judging another group? It's important to be very transparent about these things.
Dude, pretty much everyone is chasing their own tail in some form or another. It's just a matter of scale, and whether it's big-picture or small-picture chasing, unless your life is very, very empty in a literal sense. 

She doesn’t understand trauma healing. If she did she would have solved her own traumas. And looking at all the weird shenanigans I don’t think she is healthy. 

maybe for you thats the point of this work. The masculine perspective to this work. You want to deconstruct all the stories and be free in nothingness. However for her it seems like she rather wants to experience all the stories and feel the love by which these stories were created. 
I think it's possible for demons to be just as "real" as Leo Gura. 
But you do create stories for murderers and all other humans though?  "your mother was this woman and your father was this man and on this date you were born" and so on.
Sure it kinda sounds like fantasy talking about demons and maybe it is just bullshit fantasy but I dont see your logic debunking her tbh.
Isn't the mind the source for everything else as well?

If you believe in a historical lineage of demons, you're certainly setting yourself up to experiencing some of them. Beliefs affect your experience of reality. Be very critical of claims that feed into beliefs that may harm you psychologically, certainly the more paranoid kind of beliefs. What is the extent of the evidence for the belief that demons are "out there" and "out to get you"? Become very clear about that.

What if Purity manifests Arrogance in Leo?
Maybe if he had more ego left he would worry "I cant behave like that, what will people on the forum think, I can't listen to my Pure Intuition"
Because I believe that is actually the case. We have hundreds of teachers teaching being nice, and warm and fluffy and meek like Ekhart Tolle.
What if God designed Leo to be precisely like that to teach us sovereignty and healthy arrogance?
What if Leo actually is pure and well intended when writing about buddhist rats?
Who knows.
 

1) There is a lot of value in those books just in so far as building up a good life goes. It's a good foundation. You don't wanna be spiritually illiterate.
2) The tantra book is quite technical. Unless you are gonna make tantra your path you don't need to read the whole thing. Skim it for the general nuggets of wisdom.
3) A lot of those books just contain solid wisdom that will be good for you to have.
4) When I am harsh on spirituality is it within the very narrow context of trying to help adavnced people reach the crazy peak stages. So don't get down and don't take me too seriously unless you are really aimimg for those peaks.

It's both. It's such a high degree that it opens up an entirely new domain of mind. It truly feels like you have been a caterpillar your whole life and then suddenly you evolved into a butterfly. And by caterpillar I mean all your prior human awakenings, enlightenments, trips, etc. It's in another league beyond those.
It's truly fucking shocking. As shocking as Awakenings are, Alien Awakening is 10x more shocking than that. At this level you are in a domain that has never been written about or talked about by an spiritual teacher who I have ever read or seen. This possibility does not even exist for nondual teachers. It's something they've never even thought about once. And this will be completely obvious to you because anyone who experiences it would not be interested in teaching anything else. Nonduality becomes completely uninteresting once you discover alien consciousness. Because it's just 10x-100x more conscious.

That's a pretty subjective distinction because you could draw the line in various places. There are many different kinds of Awakened states so I must use that word somewhat loosely. I am not refering to one specific state but a whole category of states.
My gold standard is that if we're talkin serious consciousness, you must transcend from human into alien consciousness. There's more beyond that, but if you haven't reached that level then you're still operating at relatively low human levels. And if you reached that level of consciousness you would be talking about it and teaching it. Yet I see none of these people talking about it or guiding people to it.
Rupert Spira teaches people "awakening is completely ordinary". I'm sorry but there is no way my Awakenings have been ordinary. I do not have words to express how anything but ordinary my Awakenings have been. So what is he teaching you? What is this ordinary awakening? How conscious can it be? If you just smoke some salvia there will be nothing ordinary about it. You will piss yourself in terror. Well, what is it that's so terifying? If your consciousness is maxed out then why is salvia terifying the shit out of you?

Disclaimer: I am NOT trying to put Leo's teachings in a bad light or anything.. this is simply words of caution for those who are prone to depression and also pathologically and seek truth in all aspects of existence.
I used to be a "light Hindu" as a child .. I was brought up with the notion that there is some sort of God and afterlife.. but I never cared anything about it and didn't really pay the God question any time.
In my teens I started getting existential.. unlike most teenagers..but also  unlike most teenagers I got almost obsessive.
Leo's videos helped me to move from stage blue to stage orange (before even hearing of spiral dynamics yet ). The separate God/after life perished from the realm of "possible" quite soon because his videos In 2016. Objective morality followed shortly after that . Free will evaporated as well easily once my intellect had taken full control of my mind.
The last "battle" for my sanity was the ultimate "Is there ANY sort of meaning to life" question. And fair to say: sanity lost to reason once more.
A few months post these radical realizations ..a realization added ontop of years of those other realizations I found myself isolated..without any ability to think forward in time. I was stuck in a frozen brick of existence. I tried to desperately fool myself back into the "safe" blissful ignorance. I tried to convince myself that I could live normally again without those comforting beliefs that leo have shattered for me ... But I realized it was just a futile reflex trying to perserve my being.
Then I decided to join the forum .I joined two years ago ..and started asking questions nonstop to the point Leo has threatened me to "do the work " and stop "mentally masturbating" my way to awakening.  But what he meant is I should basically start doing psychedelics  .I couldn't get my hands on any because of their illegality in India. I went to Thailand to hunt some hookers few months ago but also I found that all psychedelics are banned there .
So I continued posting here my contemplations and my mental masturbations .
And to be honest ..I had glimpses of the "Ox " here and there just listening to Leo's videos . Until I stumbled upon his solipsism video .and that was the final nail in my coffin. Ever since I listened to that video I can't get out of my mind the idea that I'm all alone (the only conscious "thing " in existence ,as Leo tells the viewer in that video).
I went mad for a while  .my ego was out of control.
It took almost  a year to get past it. It took more than a few sexual experiences ..learning some skills or making some money .i told myself One day you'll realise how stupid you were for thinking any of that would help.
I overcame it through understanding that not only did I not have all the answers..but that the answers I had were not the whole story. There's far more grey than there is black or white.
I told myself: "Why are you so concerned with things you can't do a thing to change? What difference will knowing "the truth" actually make in your life? If you focus your mind on things you can't influence.. you will naturally become detached and depressed".
I suffered.. and still suffer.. from clinical anxiety disorder. I formed a nihilistic view on life before I'd ever even heard of the word..or the works of philosophers like Nietzsche. Yet.. I've found..existentialism and nihilism to be of benefit to my mental welbeing.  Although.. I can understand how the idea that life is inherently futile could be construed as depressing.
But now ..I consider myself "enlightened ".
NOW what do I mean by that ?
I mean the following:
I no longer believe in any thing .no belief systems whatsoever. Not even direct experience. Nothing at all. Total and complete not knowing and childlike wonder  . I see all worldviews including nonduality and solipsism as just mental noise . I'm completely free from the shackles of the conceptual mind .I see that nothing I think or deduce has nothing to do with TRUTH. 
TRUTH is more serious than finding it on a forum or listening to a guy talking on YouTube. You must commit your whole life to it .and that's what Leo is doing .and I'm not.

Hello Actualized community, 
Some of you might remember me from a long time ago when I was just beginning to awaken, and I contributed some of my knowledge and tried my best to help the community with these subjects. I purposely stayed away from this forum and Leo's videos to dig deeper into awakening, god, reality, whatever you want to call it. 
I'll be speaking with a relative "I" — before anyone frets. 
I've had 80+ awakenings in the span of a year. I have been spiritually gifted since I was a kid, without even knowing it, but I seem to have a pretty easy time creating the experiences that lead to awakenings. There were periods where I had multiple awakenings in a single week, and the majority were NOT drug induced. I made sure to always write down the revelations that I learned and I am ready to share them with you all.
I had experiences where I was literally sucked out of the scene I was in and thrown into an empty void of pure light, love light. 
I am going to make this short and sweet. This is meant to help you awaken quickly. 
Before I start though, you're going to have to accept some shocking truths, so before you read this, please open your mind. Trust in what I am telling you here. I have personally verified every single thing I am about to share.
I will refer to God as "That which cannot be spoken" — as the word God is a bit silly.
1. You don't have a face. Notice for yourself, that you feel like you are located above your neck, but notice that instead of your face, you have a huge open window. This open window is your view of the world. Instead of your head, you have the world. The world is your mind. But it's not your physical mind, somehow inside a brain. No, no, no..... your mind is absolute and is shared with everything else.
Prove it to yourself. Try to locate your head, and point to your face. At no point does it reach you. There's nothing there. Instead, you have colors, sounds, thoughts, feelings, touch, etc. The entire room in which you are right now is a "part" of your head. 
Your head is the godhead. It is completely empty, is nothingness, yet it exists. 
2. Reality is a moving painting. The colors, sounds, smells you are experiencing are NOT the byproduct of your brain. I repeat. They are NOT a product of your brain. There is no light going into your "eyes" (you have no eyes, or face) — there is no brain to turn audiowaves into music. 
When you hold an apple, you think that you are seeing the redness of the apple in your brain, but notice that you aren't looking at anything.
The apple is existing, IN your consciousness. It is BEING inside of your head. You are not seeing it through no mechanism. Reality is RAW and you are compressed into it and through it.
When you see the red of the apple (unlike science which says that colors only exist in brains) what you are experiencing is what Gnostics call The Truth.
Sounds, colors, smells, feelings, thoughts. – THAT IS OBJECTIVE REALITY.
You get it? You aren't hearing or seeing at all, because reality appears 1:1 instantly in the screen of your consciousness, which is that void that we talked about.
3. Close your eyes. Realize that when you close your eyes, that dark field is really you. You are the entire dark field in which reality appears. When you close your eyes you cannot locate yourself. You just see an endless void of darkness with no edges or divisions. This is what you would call your soul.
Your head is a projector.
The colors you see are not happening in a brain, because the brain would need to have a physical screen upon which the colors are looked at. They have to exist in some way for your visual field to appear. Therefore this is false. No brain.
4. Is Solipsism true? No. Other people ARE in fact conscious as they are other *instances* of yourself in a parallel timeline being imagined by consciousness simultaneously. 
REMOVE the idea that only your individual ego is having a conscious experience. Drop it. IT'S NOT TRUE. Other people are as conscious as you, but because THEY ARE YOU.
Other people are other POVs that "That which cannot be spoken of" is creating and animating through its presence.
The entire universe is like a program running in the mind of this unknowable conscious being. Your life is a program, my life is a program.
We are divine expressions of that being who is on an eternal quest to understand what it is, and it cannot do it without your point of view, because reality would be finite without your existence.
4. Is this being knowable? No. And please don't refute this with "But awakenings!" — "That which cannot be spoken of" is completely out of reach and is the literal bedrock of existence. It does not have a subjective experience like you and I do. It's asleep forever. 
Any awakenings you may have, are a connection to its SPIRIT, not its mind, as its mind is busy imagining everything.
5. Is there an objective reality? Yes. Even thought the entire universe is the dream of this being that is asleep, it exists, but not physically. The universe is all mind. But yes, there ARE people doing other things outside of your POV. It is all happening simultaneously, and through relativity.
But those people ARE you. Just in other avatars for that lifetime. Other people exist, and your ego is not alone in the universe.
You are at all times surrounded by infinite copies of yourself.
6.  Ghosts, demons, gnomes, fairies, and all other mythical creatures are real. I have verified this myself through multiple instances where I communicated with extra-real entities.
7. Magic is real. That's right. Magic IS MIND. Magic is reality. Magic is the power that was required to bring this dream into being.
———————
Reality is NOT a simulation, NOT solipsism, NOT eternal suffering, NOT physical, NOT awful, NOT evil.
Reality IS a gift, IS a moving painting of pure light, IS magic, IS mystical in origin, and IS eternal.
———————
I cannot express to you the absolute truth because I cannot communicate the experiences I've had, as they are ineffable. But trust me on the following:
Solipsism is false There is no infinity of Gods, this is another trap. There is only ONE being who makes infinite copies of itself to embody avatars in its dream. They aren't separate gods.  Reality is, again, a moving painting, and the painter is a being that is "asleep" and dreaming the entire universe up. Reality was NOT created. It ALWAYS was. Colors, sounds, feelings, thoughts are objective reality. The apple is really red. Water is really wet. You aren't seeing anything. Objects are existing in you. Your visual field is a window or a negative sculpture. There is no actual "you" anywhere specifically. Rather, you are the entire visual field, and all the content inside of it.  Hope that helps.