Hello people this question I posted not sure if anybody has felt the same but I keep getting a relapse of fearing loneliness and mostly the fear of my mother passing away one day. It sounds strange I know, and as far as I know death is part of life and we have no control over it but I just can't deal with that. Let me explain a bit about my background to picture you my situation. I'm a 37 male, living by myself in my small apartment and never had a relationship with a woman. I had my last buddy back few years after starting College back in 2002, meaning it lasted until 2007-2008. In elementary and high school things were not as colorful for me compared to other kids of my age. I started school in kinder garden like everybody else, was shy, didn't know a thing about socialising and having common interests with other was inexistant. I couldnt find my bearings during school breaks and board game periods. I was always the target of criticism, bullying and thus my repertory of bad school memories outweight the good memories. I mostly lived in my head and today still trying to shut that little voice speaking inside of me. Then I took a path of solitude and pretty much accepted my situation without confronting it. There were times I met people and hang out with them but I realized they were just temporary buds, I never felt any connexion whatsoever but having met them during my employment at a small convenient store they were cool for the time it lasted. Unfortunaltely as you know most of acquaintances come and go. Came a period I was afraid of admitting I had no freinds. My social skills were close to below average when it was about socially interacting with strangers or talking to a girl. Even my young nephews had better understanding of the social concept than me-just picture it. Now I'm looking to rebuild my self-esteem and confidence by meeting people and find a relationship. I've been through depression since February 2021 bks I assume those long years without maintenance came back and hit me hard on the head to tell me "WAKE UP B4 ITS TOO LATE". I ended up with fear of ageing lonely with no one by my side. It just gives me the creep every morning and I want to get rid of that loneliness feeling. Have anybody experienced the same thing as I did in their pre-adult years?
Now when I feel low mood and anxious my reptilian brain doesn't stop giving me this uncomfortable sensation of one day having to accept my mother's death and ending up alone with no one to support me when I need it. My mother is very close to me as I have nobody else with strong bonds, no meaningful relations so far whatsoever. I've used Meetup for a couple of month but so far the results are not there. I read some youtube videos and meditate every morning but the fear of loosing a parent when you're presently all by yourself and not being able to find those friendships at 37, it's terrible. People in their 30s have their life, are busy with work, are married, what am I supposed to do?
Can some people relate to my story and help me? Thank you for reading me.
Danny
