Sandin

I have been pursuing self inquiry and enlightenment work seriously for 6 months now. Before that I have also meditated but wasnt serious about it. In the last 3-4 months I've been noticing improvement. I can feel that I am getting closer and closer to realizing, I dont know what it is, but I can clearly sense that something is there and I can sense that I cant go there with my mind. Last night I smoked some weed and sometimes it has this effect on me where I have some really cool insights or can meditate super deep. Last night was way more intense. I was high and walking around the room. I was asking myself: What could it be? How do I penetrate to this mystery? Then I got silent and my vision started to shift. I was very deep in the present moment. Then I remember this thought occuring: Can it really be true what Leo is saying that I am this entire room and experience and nothing else exists? And as soon as I thought that an intense feeling came over me. I could sense that I was on the right path, my heart started beating from excitement. I started getting curious about: What is this? This right here, this experience. I started getting more excited. As I was getting deeper and deeper, suddenly a feeling of fear came over me. Fear of death. It felt like going any deeper means I have to die like literally. I started shaking it off and calming myself down because I already had a paranoia episode in the past with salvia and that was absolute horror I didnt want that again I was alone in my apartment no one could help me. Then I started hearing voices in my head. I dont know if it was ego or my mind. But there were voices that were telling me I have to go deeper. "You are so close" "This is it" "Come here". But the voices werent talking. It was as if they where communicating through feeling, and my mind translated thier language into speech in my head. I got scared, my heart was beating really hard and I started telling the voices that I will not do this now. I will reach this state again without weed and then I will go through (all of this time I felt like the voices were right and I could feel like I am so close to enligtenment). I told them if this was really my one and only chance at enligtenment, then I am ready to accept it that I have missed my chance but I know that thats not how it works and I can come back for a second chance. The voices went away after a few minutes. Anyone else had the same experience. Is this really what is needed to get enlightened ? Do we really have to die or rather, go through with it when this fear hits, overcome that fear. Is this really what is requiered? Thats one hell of an end boss fight to this game.

Thanks for replying mate. In the aftermath, I thought so too, that that is it. I have decided to prolong my meditation sessions and I will wait for this to come again. It would be really easier for me to deal with this fear while sober. But what really kinda bothers me are those voices man. I mean, was this Schizophrenia ? Am I sick ? It didnt feel like monkey mind or the usual voice i my head it was different. And another thing that I felt was that someone was watching me. Right in that moment when I realized that I am really really close and that this was it, it was as if my whole room, my experience was entered my a presence, as if that moment that I was having was kinda important or interesting, and someone or something tuned in like when we turn on a tv channel to watch something. I had this exact feeling once before, on my first lsd trip I had an incredible cathartic emotional release from past trauma and after that a state of total bliss and like anything was possible, I was walking around my room crying of joy realizing that literally anything I set my mind to, success money travelling is instantly possible. There I also felt something tuning in to this moment I was having. Am I imagining this ?