Esilda

Below is how I feel right now........ Thus how am I going to put myself in a deep writing mood?!?!!? All a gal can do is try, setting reminder for tonight!

The Hero always follows love hun . This is your Hero's Journey as they say , Joseph Campbell's work would be a true source of light for you .

That’s SUCH a beautiful title. Love this too ❤️ ❤️! Love to you sweeety!

Other nurses love it when I twirl around in week dancing about, they find it funny. I still have a couple more days off but I wanted to go in today to have lunch with a friend in the hospital where I am stationed. My dancing is so awkward though lol I was never the gifted athlete. I’ve tried poke dancing but I was anything but “sexy” on a pole lol, at least to me. I now know what I want in many areas of my life. I have lots have goals in many areas, lots of micro goals. Mainly all centred around my new job and my career path and working on growing my consciousness with myself and my body which I think dancing can be good for as then we are having fun with music too. I play the violin, no way I can dance at the same time though lol. I have been playing since my late teens and a little in higher ed for band. I’ve now decided by the way that I’ll be signing up to a local music theatre group to see how I can make best use of my talents there, the most basic of drummer too anyone? There’s lots of music centres around here where I am, I’d like to get into something more orchestral and I also want to maybe consider teaching music theory someplace where I would be performing too. Sexuality is becoming a much larger topic for me, I haven’t been with many guys and I want to keep it that way. I want to explore my understanding of many different sexual subjects though, I am still so confused about what books to read though. I’ve rarely even thought about sex in an advanced way for years and years and when I did I never really pursued it much. Along with this I want to learn to take care of myself emotionally much more and learn to have a much more emotional relationship with a guy and make sure that my intimacy is based on this emotional connection more than anything else. In the long run I feel l am ready to find a guy to settle down with, someone that is like me or complements me in important ways. Starting to think more about my biological clock and the subject of children that I’ve been thinking about since I was a teen in various spurts. I can remember when I was a young girl having strange conversations with my mother about my imaginary baby that I would talk about with her lol. I need a second mind, a male mind to help me extend my thoughts. On the other hand I still think I have ways to go before I am responsible enough to have kids, like I have very little experience with them at all. “Mummmmm” says my future kid ….. not at all ready for that yet lol

Writing session reminder for myself ❤️❤️. Later tonight…

Continuing my conversation with my new colleague she told me how she learned to have greater humility in life. She told me insights about the ego that she described in her own personal way which really resonated with me. That it can be like an imaginary balloon being filled with helium gas that when it’s popped it just makes us look like fools. I’ve been there. We talked about how we need to learn to live together as one and work together and how we are in the end all dependent on one another. Her name is Marie by the way, won’t share last name for privacy of course. I really am sorry to anyone if I’ve ever made them feel bad about themselves or if I’ve caused pain to anyone knowingly or unknowingly. I want to share my appreciation as well to everyone that has ever commented previously on my journal or that I have spoken to on this site. I have learned so much for everyone and sometimes I have accidentally been ungrateful for the company that others have shared with me. I really hope this journal helps everyone on their own personal inward journey, to become more in touch with the soul that Mother Nature gave them. Talking to her face to face has really now had a long lasting effect on me now that I’ve reflected more on her thoughts. Without this idea of journaling now really sinking into to me I probably wouldn’t be on my now inward souls journey. Thank you to everyone sending so much gratitude, appreciation and compassion, Esilda I’ve thought about writing more tonight…. We’ll see how it goes. May write in the dark in silence with some potpourris, incense with candles and flame.

More entries later tonight, feeling fresh ❤️. UFO’s anyone?

After now a few days off I‘ve decided to go to where I used to live in New Zealand to see some old friends. I’ve also been busy with a new nursing programme as a part of the training I’m getting for my promotion as nurse. No doubt my experiences as a human resource manager have helped me here. I’ve been keeping a private journal to note down any new insights I could gather from my experiences, to give me closure on my learning phase which brings me a lot of anxiety. Lol. I’ve written a few already in my penciled journal but I don’t have time yet to write them out properly. What I’ve predominantly learned is that I have to try and be more down to earth as a nurse, more so as it counts in guiding others around me in a loving way. To work on and think about how I am coming cross to patients and personnel so that I can be the best mediator between us as nurses delivering our care, receiving our direction from doctors and other stuff and making the experience of patients as hassle free. I want to really take action on all of this as soon as possible. I want to embrace my job so deeply that this is just who I am at an identity level so I keep my composure in all places in the same way. It’s a steep learning curve so I want to my time on my heels to be as short as possible. A few days ago I met one of our new nurses and they were a lot of fun to speak to because they’ve had experiences being taught by a guru so they were able to empathise with my experiences. It was such a pity they only had a short shift because I really wanted to continue talking with them after I finished my two long ones. She had such interesting ideas on spirituality, she’ll be back next week. She comes from a religious background and in a new way she’s helped me draw closer to my own realisations around god. Everything has a new feel to it at work now. In the beginning I was really stressed and this impacted me badly but now I feel like things are starting to reach a comfortable “fresh”. Over the next few days I’m going to be researching more ideas around soul, god and connection ❤️❤️.

BECAUSE YOU WILL NO LONGER TALK TO ME: I am sorry that our relationship has had to end, no one ever thinks that things are going to end but even the best of friendships do. I now have the closure that I was needing. These next few days are going to be really difficult for me but I will make it through. This message comes from a place of love but I can't keep living my life hoping and waiting as it has taken a toll on my mental health. I tried to make you mine though you never wanted me in the way I wanted you. Before I say anything more I must let you know that this was one of my most cherished relationships. Thousands of miles away you connected with me more than anyone else could in my regular life. We have spent hours on Skype speaking to each other and meeting to you in real life was more than I could have ever hoped for. I understand for you that things have faded and you have your own reasons for why you have chosen the path that you have chosen. You lit up my life in the beginning to now so to see this spark die is heart-breaking for me. You say unfortunately our emotional connection will never be the same. I understand. I wish you the best in your endeavours, I will always remember our memories and I hope that you achieve all of your life visions. Peace. Joy. Happiness.

This is such a personal topic to me and this is why I'm very nervous beginning it. In this journal I am going to be exploring all of my feelings and experiences about love, what it means to me, how love has been a stranger, close companion, devoted one and me devoted to it. This love is not just love as we call it, this love is my love and how it has experienced itself through me. It feels so alien that love, which is supposedly the deepest and highest expression we can have about life can be treated so casually by the world, rather than searching for every star seeds own sensation of the meaning of this word. We treat it like a cliche but in truth I believe humanity is becoming quickly jaded, I do not want this to happen to me. I want to be open to love again in all ways, in life, in beauty, in lover, in loved, in everything. But where to start... I guess... There's no place like home. What did my parents teach me about love and everyone else around me growing up? What did love mean to me through all of my relationships all the way up to this point? It feels, so confusing but in that confusion I feel these palpitations, old and new feelings rising to the surface as I write this from my soul. I will do my best to update this journal as much as I can but all in all I hope as a reader you can take the time to see how love means to me rather than just what the world thinks of it and maybe too, if we're lucky, what i write can encourage you to join me on this path of love self discovery. Love .

YOU... have embarrassed me immensely. To take HER side! I will NEVER forgive you. I WAS the one that was disrespected!

This is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous. I am NEVER posting on this forum again I am never talking to you again I am never YOU anymore. I supported you, I loved you, I was there for you and THIS is how I get TREATED! You cut me out because I disrespected her? Are you for real? What does SHE have that I DON’T have? I am DONE here. I DON’T need YOUR approval ANYMORE! YOU will NEVER. EVER. EVER here from me again. FUCK YOU.

@Spence94 thank you so much! It's great to be back, I've been a bit of a "lurker" / sticking to personal messenger but yeah I remembered the value that journalling here brought me so I've come back. Hoping to be a part of growing the community energy towards the positive .

I agree with@Myioko . Feel free to light up this place we need more positive energy people raising the vibration of the community! I still remember the encouragement you gave me last year for working on my public speaking and confidence . Every word we say can be touching and you were to me, thank you for taking your time out to fill my sometimes disorganised brain with your wisdom!

It has been several months since I started posting on this site, I left for a little while, then returned in observation. Again, I left. I then returned through private message. Less observation. I then returned through observation. And here I am again. I feel everyone's energies run through me, to this I say, how can we feel our own energy within so that we can orient ourselves towards the greater positive? I am very sensitive to the effects of others energies on me, though to those that do not feel the same way I say, how have you noticed it still manifest in your life? I am a nurse, so I am constantly exercising my empathy around me, feeling and intuiting, learning to use my energy in a socially creative way to bring harmony to the spaces around me, to hear things that others don't, to see things that other's don't in the realm of feeling, sensitivity and vibration. All tied by the order and regimen of the occupation. I want to stay in this space here but I want to be a part of a space that creates and transforms towards the positive, one of the reasons for why we choose to exist here at all. I feel demonic forces here sometimes, energies that feed off other energies. It frightens me. It is not these peoples fault though because they have been through troubles that have created these energies. For all of us I say, how can we search within ourselves to create a space within this community, within this journalling area, that is enriching of everyone's growth? That isn't attention seeking but genuinely loving and well wishing. That isn't harming but is genuinely well intentioned. The love I have in this moment, at my finger tips. I share it in this expression. I want to be a part of a community and I want the community that I'm a part of to not want to tear itself a part but to feel its positive and grow through that positive. To not be a place for demons and wicked witches but a space of truly healing them. Love. Nature. Earth. Green.

@flume Thank you for sharing, absolutely beautiful .

@Eternal Unity When was the first time you spoke with a spirit guide and how did it begin?

@Eternal Unity Right on! This nervous world... Wait... I'm the one that's nervous here not the world . Thank you darl!

@Eternal Unity Thank you so much for the resources I can tell you've got a great pure energy to you making you a positive person to talk to on these subjects! I will read related books right away as fast as I can get my hands on them! Thank you for extending your kindness . What do you mean by spiraling? (yeah I'm a bit confused sometimes lol) This is very exciting!

HELLLO thank you for responding nice to meet you ! What I find the wimhof helps with me most is stillness! Especially during the breath release and the hold! We're just... HERE! Then voila... right? Awareness, thought, intuition everything else follows If you wanted to... discuss... let me know.... Have a great day .

Great playlist! I love music that makes me feel like the universe is starting and ending all the time, Emotional Wave List put me there. I'm super sensitive with music as well, like I feel the vibrations move through my body with each bass. I feel like music speaks to different parts of our body echoing in different directions. When will the chaos end so we can change? When will the chaos begin so we can change? This feels.... wow.

@LastThursday Love this! I get so caught in paralysis by analysis sometimes! For me its been the case of the body follows the mind vice versa so whenever I am feeling tight I'll move into smooth and slow movement exercises to feel and release myself from my own inner tension .

Searching for more enlightened females! Unmani. From her book..... I am life itself

I've been doing some soul searching this afternoon. Trying to find my divide with the rest of the universe. Trying to find my divide between everything. The first teacher I'm learning about is Eckhart Tolle. He purportedly became "enlightened" / had an "enlightenment experience" in 1997. So he has been articulating this experience to himself for 25 years. There is wisdom in years on the same thing/direction. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6708.The_Power_of_Now When I was a little girl, I often wondered about the stars. How far away they were from me. Later learning of perspectives that I was "no different". I want to feel that non-difference on a moment to moment basis. I am ready to move on from my "trauma" and truly be in my oneness, its just for me... Feeling the jump... to know how to make the jump... the shift... whatever we call it... something about the feeling of no doubt... something I'm still trying to find the intuition for.

@RickyFitts you're not 'like' my favourite brother but you're a cool cat : , still getting to know one another!