Esilda

Precisely what I was saying to @Tristan12 !! Keep going!!

France post!!!! Have always wanted to go though… NOPE. Research, research then a share later! Researching airports as well I think they’re such AMAZING places. Share too. Airport in Paris.

Hello again, For my essence understanding slowly how to be fully human is my inner most spiritual journey. Likely due to childhood illnesses, diabetes and trauma I have spent most of my life experiencing the universe and my body as an illusion. Something not truly real, so easily influenced, and the only touchable things for me have been the pursuit of knowledge and the turning and returning into innocense. I sense that this inner position led me to an existence where I have lived in 4 different continents, and instead of working as an MD as I first began my educational studies and then a manager in Human Resources which allowed me a Visa into my now country, I ended up unexpectedly working full time & professionally as a nurse, meals on wheels volunteer and healer for a long time. A part of me felt "wow I made it to being a mature human sharing my highest experiences before I’ve even reached my 30’s." But, something felt insecure within and instead of giving me satisfaction and adding to my life I found myself feeling less real with time and limboing with inertia in my spiritual evolution. Along with that my trust weakened for anyone that said they were a teacher some reasons. Firstly, in the spiritual retreat I worked in, I really felt like the teachers were in large part often over inflated egos mostly interested in creating their self image and taking advantage of the generosity of others. Secondly though I myself was not so interested in the finances or advertising and though my customers reported great fulfilment from my instruction, I still felt a little lost desperate internally, l felt like I was not truly equipped for this work. On top of this I feel like because I’ve spent so many years looking into the universes soul that in the departure from my body I found it - but then I felt shortened by it all as well, my diet, my health, my connection. And now I’m trying to gather myself again. My new life connections are now to fully connect with all of life, accept my body and embrace all of life and my body and mind with love and purity. With this goal, be in full allowance for the growth that wil folllow this and be really pragmatic and about this inner watching. To continue my life and expertise as a nurse by branching out into more healing ideas through say entrepreneurship in some way. Maybe mix and match my experiences in healing centres and my work with the homeless. I have now officially broken up with my partner after being on an off and on break with him for some time and now I am very slowly reopening myself back up as I watch my inner growth follow me inside. This is my new cycle as a woman I feel having gone full turn, ready flip feel into my new season of life after saying goodbye to many different things which had been very daunting for me. This is my new introduction to this forum after now entering this new life entrance. I hope to get to know some of you more and to take the most advantage of the life experiences that other here have to share. I am being reborn through Mother Nature. Her love, her sensitivity, her endless acceptance beauty, wrapping me up with her gift so I can receive and give back to the life that she fills me with. Sending so many well wishes, love and compassion to everyone, Esilda

OMG that’s so lovely I’m so happy for you ?. I like that!!!!

You even LOOK like lxlichael! (he’s still on this forum just busy until he goes public here it’s so funny how quickly things can change he’s like a big advocate of Leo now so people better show Leo respect from now on or else lol ). @Benton you two should maybe do a YT vid together lol just kidding though who knows right! https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02698811211050543 …. (I’m a huge huge huge research hoarder… have been researching psychedelics ever since I made that entry so if anyone wants to speak… medicine has always appealed to me from a research POV though nursing always suited my personality more) Have been sky high the last 24 hours work has just been such a breeze these last two days I’ve felt so free and wonderful for a change!

How are you going by the way is everything alright? What does… silence mean to you?

I really thought I was an introvert for a while though I realise now it was ALWAYS just my shyness. I’ve had a LOT of insecurities to work through. I NOW feel more confident than I’ve ever been. So I would ask yourself as well… What is it that is taking you away from other people? Why do you feel the need to close yourself off? Its so AMAZING how we can think we’re one thing like an introvert not realising we’re ACTUALLY an extrovert because we didn’t see we had insecurities that made us that way.

I’m really extroverted so I don’t mind at all, I LOVE talking to people! It’s really just… when I need to reflect, digest and get in touch with myself. I really enjoy bouncing ideas off of people though as my own form of reflection. We could give it a name… interpersonal reflection over self reflection lol. I enjoy self reflection still it’s just not a priority though if it doesn’t feel really natural to me. How? Just say no. Outside of friends that nag I’ve never had an issue. Simply respect yourself enough to take space as you need it.

In reply to your comment here I feel like you’re reading too much into mod behaviour. It’s important to let your feelings out and process things in a healthy way though . It’s all case by case though I suppose. Hope you’re doing okay .

So… my goal is to try and experience an ego death… “pure essence” right? I feel like I have made enough progress in my development to go to the next level in my awareness of myself and just a living, breathing human on this planet. This body and mind have felt like a prison with the weight of my experiences being so much of a burden to sort through in my life. I know some people are against psychedelics though I want to be open to them. I am trained to know about drugs enough to understand how to protect myself so it’s something I want to try. There is a “journey” though so I don’t want to try some magical solution like I know some people fall into. I know that I have to keep working through things with my therapist and it’s something I want to do all the way through this year before I tru anything too radical. Responsibility. Check. Save myself. Done. Create myself. In progress. I’m starting to feel more and more right in my own skin. Like it feels as though a veil has been lifted over me. It’s really helped me start to get more in touch with how I reflect on and make decisions. Like at work I feel like I’m feeling more and more fluid in my thought process now that everything is coming together more in my routine. I can feel like I feel other people more in my job too which is good because it means I’m having to do less thinking and use more of my resources to being more intuitive. Completing this entry later… in rush… feeling gooooood .

@thisintegrated my experience has mostly been good so far with only minor difficulties. It isn’t their day job and that’s what people need to remember. We may think “mod” and just assume they’ve come out of 3+ years of bootcamp like it was for me and nursing school though it’s simply not the case. They live regular lives like all of us lol, if there’s an issue with anyone first show some empathy and only go further if you need to from there after you’ve really reflected on a situation. When I’m at work I’m in “professional mode” and when I’m done I’m in no desire to tick any work boxes and do those duties to the same effort, so to ask them to do that to the same level as their job is a bit much to ask. Trust in their natural drive to do the right thing and follow your nose to the end .

Shadow practicing violin. It’s like a meditation, the deeper I go into it the more I sink into my subconscious. I can feel my earliest days practicing. The first time I felt the awkwardness of the scroll and the neck (parts of the violin) the first time I learned to feel my small hands holding this “magic stick” that helped me produce sound. My music teacher who I felt so awkward around in my first visit. We created a bond. I’ll always be able to just call her up and have a chat from one music friend to another. I also feel the sadness of my younger self too though around that just this exciting thing that I could produce a sound from an instrument that my parents saw fascinated me enough that they encouraged my early love her. If you want to try it, whatever instrument you play… maybe even just imagine yourself driving and really get into it. I hear that it activates the same regions in our brain! And too, our memory-association network sometimes too. Can you imagine the sounds? Can you feel the instrument? Do you remember the world that you first lived when you first played the instrument or maybe what you just associate? I feel like a permanent inner peace and silence is created. It helps me get in touch with my entire body, something that I’m not used to or just can get really out of touch with sometimes as I’ve shared earlier. I can feel like memories are being reactivate in my brain and fingers so automatically when I do it it’s so interesting. It’s this kind of peace that I want to inhabit all the time, remembering that everything is just being remembered to create me in this moment. That’s my pure essence and I feel it. That helps my realise that “me” all this identity that I have been sorting through with myself about my job and relationships. It’s just conditioning, it’s just shadow practicing without me being conscious of it. Now… I will learn to shadow practice peace… love… joy… contentment .

Listening to the crickets tonight… nice and peaceful… I need to change my violin strings….violin strings bringing back memories though… Too much of My life I have just simple accepted the status quo, I have been too submissive and allowed others to trample all over me. I have disrespected and disregarded myself and my values countless times, thankfully I can still manage to call myself a woman that still wants to live her life fully. This was too far from the truth earlier in my adolescent history in a hospital due to self cutting that I have been free of since I was age 14. Therapy in important times of my life has meant everything to me. It feels so good to be liked by someone that I adore, though I know deep down my own adoration is my own remaining self loathing that I still need to work through. I am an accomplished woman now and yet I still struggle with my own self image. I have have had experiences which have really transformed me over the last year, that make me look back on my former self with a sense of pride in terms of how far I have come. I need to keep up my efforts to it fall into dependent habits again where I put my own identity into someone else or something else including my job. My job is my rock as I have said. However it can no longer be my sense of identity, I realise that this is also what my therapist is trying to point me towards. My chaotic behaviour as a teenager…. I fell head first into the void of insecurity trying to cope with the sense of abandonment I didn’t even know I felt from my parents. This lost feeling of not even knowing that I felt I loveable. It’s no wonder that I can fall into dependent behaviours. This has all led me to this point where I journal to no longer to just save my own life from myself…. No… now I get to feel like I can create a life for myself.

Sharing more of my private journal stuff… I have felt so helpless my whole life that being in a leadership position had grown me in so many’s and yet taken away parts of my childhood self. I’ve been a victim a lot of my life, though haven’t we all. I am a gifted violinist, I always was, however I never had the courage to really pursue my talent far enough and so, I have ended up here as a nurse among nurses. I don’t even want to call myself a leader, as I don’t feel that way deep down. I have a sense of responsibility however a lot of it feels fake that I’m still learning to have feel authentic. As I have said many times before about my childhood and general trauma, bad relationships including my family had been the root cause of my unhappiness that I now feel like I’m becoming…. More of a leader of. I realise how I used to just imagine so many reasons why I SHOULDN’T be happy as opposed to reasons why I COULD be happy and I feel the effects of doing more COULD’S in my life more and more. We can creatively imagine ourself and life as anything if we want, this can hurt us or it can help us. In my job as a nurse, I feel the urgency of needing to always remember of also seeing how my patterns can negatively impact others. This my refuge into self help books of late in this journal. I’ve downloaded maybe 20-30 odd new ones for my kindle. My self esteem feels like wet shoes in walking about a lot though I am so much better than what I was many months ago. My identity still needs so much work though because I have many codependent tendencies and many people pleasing tendencies that I’ve talked about in the past here that I’m still learning to get over and not continually lose myself in relationships. I have stayed in unhealthy relationships in the past simply because I needed to feel needed and not feeling needed felt like death to my subconscious. I have tried visualising myself as a highly sophisticated woman sometimes, who is independent and highly responsible through it only works for a time. I’m working with my therapist more on my coping techniques like these. She tells me to focus on standards and values more than visions and to me this has helped me stay more grounded in the present moment in putting my best foot forward at work. My relationship attitudes need a great big upgrade and I want to soak my mind with as much interesting thoughts as I can to open my world view in what is possible in having healthy loving relationships. To just sit myself and not have to imagine someone else in my life brings me a great sense of inner peace like it never used to. That great deep seeded need of needing another to be and stay in my life is now slowly finding a better balance. I am responsible for my life I realise this. I am responsible to perform my job to the best of my ability and not allow past unhealthy habits shape my outcome here and in my relationships. This is a new start for me and my promotion has truly been my big push there. Still difficult to really feel into, though getting there. Here’s to not losing focus with my journal. Positive self regard at all times, thank you Carl Rogers my dear . Music as I say is coming back into my life more too. Community theatre is a possibility. Taking things slow there.

Moderators now being contacted. Narcissist on the loose. Narcissists try to hurt others reputations. People need to be made aware.

Shifting from humiliation to vindication. Lesson learned. Over the moon. Will never come between two people again however I am so happy that I did this time. Leave the past behind big boy never look back simply embrace the present and what you can create in the future. Leave toxic people behind and focus only on what you can bring to the world as you have been doing. I am.... SOOOOOoooo incredibly grateful right now! WoooooooHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo! New chapter. New beginning. OHHH BOY!!!!! THE BEST MOMENT OF THE YEAR SO FAR SO SO SO SO SO SO Soooo happy will never EVER allow myself to be unwise like that again . I make a commitment to myself in this moment to always, ALWAYS treasure my relationships as they stand in the most esteemed way possible and I will encourage all those close to me to hold me accountable in this way . Meditation time for me now , slowly weeding out all of my anxious tendencies so that I can act from a higher consciousness perspective as much as I can in my life . In a rush... Starting next shift and no lunch for the day yet .

OH MY GOD I FEEL SO VINDICATED RIGHT NOW! I JUST KNEW IN THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART THAT I WOULD WORKOUT AND YOU’D SEE THROUGH HER!!! ?????????????? (that’s Alllllllll I’m going to say and I won’t say anymore on it… FEEEEESLING SPECIAL!!!! ????)

My rock is now my job. It's lonely. However it's honest. Deleted all my dating apps I can't stand the consumer dating culture where the sexes treat each other like objects. It's so so so so so so so so shallow. I talk to people from work I'm quite social. I'm not completely anti-social. It's not like I don't have friends though there's a missing piece inside waiting to be filled.

In the process of creating a long list of books to help me with my own insecurities. May as well be open about it. That's the funny thing about being insecure, the very thing of being insecure means that I'm afraid to say that I'm insecure about the thing that I'm insecure about. Insecurity about insecurity is very common a thing that we're too afraid to talk about because we fear we won't be supported by our environment. UGH! Work is going well, I've organised strict procedures for everyone to follow now. I've had to organise things from peoples rosters, their problems in their personal life that affect their job performance all the way to patient-nurse/doctor compatibility by getting a greater understanding of staff. I am very linear and organised in my approach when it comes to work. One of my roles involves thinking about all the possible hazards that face my fellow nurses in new ways and my boss said that he's raised many of my new recommendations to head-office now which I may detail about later. I do my best to provide a personal touch to my job lol, I'm always writing smiley faces and other kinds of personal drawings that isn't exactly professional though builds camaraderie and chemistry between me and the rest of my staff and patients. I try to insert as much of personality into my job as I can while subtracting anything that takes away from healthy professionalism. My job is like the rock in my life right now where everything else feels like its uneven and unbalanced, that's where I feel most safe where before when I was first starting it felt the most unstable. The chemistry that I've been able to build with others at my workplace has had a really big influence on my feeling safe and confident in making my job my rock, I feel that if I failed in social I would have failed in my job. We have work therapists that can help us through transitions though with everything that I'm going through I don't think it would have been enough. I wish I had someone like myself that my patients and staff have lol but this is my role to play right now I just need to learn how to balance all these plates and I will be okay! A week into the new month, officially my first new month of my new job!

.... more journalling tonight... time for deep thinking, reflections on love.

Ahhhhh! Feeling much better now . Now reading... Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Healing from Abandonment by Susan Anderson

Panic is unhealthy, panic is unhealthy, panic is unhealthy. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. Panic is unhealthy. Saying to myself for 1000th time today.... Panic is unhealthy. This.... Is..... going.... to.... be.... a..... long.... journey... Meditation.

Fear is like what? Evolutionary and all that stuff... So... Gal like me needs to learn how to deal with all these impulses nature has given her. I will create a life of love. I will learn to live from love. I need to find some daily affirmations around love and the rejection of fear. Learn to trust my mind to slowly sort through life rather than making impulsive decisions. I'm not some super impulsive woman, I just have various anxieties that I'm still coming to terms with. When I get anxious, I make bad decisions. Th difference between anxiousness and positive stress. Trying to find books that will help me learn to reflect on life more and learn from my experiences more. Found this... Liking it so far . Sometimes You Win Sometimes You Learn Learn, John C. Maxwell. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17333532-sometimes-you-win--sometimes-you-learn

What love do I want to leave behind in my life looking back after I'm 'gone'? It feels like I am trying to get too much from life instead of being more humble. <Still> This is my daily workshop of humility now. Since I was real young I ALWAYS wanted more though I always gave a lot too. We humans think we can just take, take, take, have, have, have when its just not practical. We think we can do want we like and that not have repercussions to our relationships with the world around us, most of all, with the people we love. All of these gimmicky dating apps Tinder and everything else, its like a giant buffet of men to choose from, mostly losers. We think we can just sleep with whoever we want and that not effect our closest relationships even if they don't find out. I have never let go of this childhood dreaming that I have, I just want so much from life though I have to learn to balance myself... Because my ego still gets in the way. I want to build my network, organise my personal development better, be much smarter about dating and men realising that there's so much marketing nonsense out there that takes advantage of both sexes biological impulses. Where are my illusions and where is my awareness? I find it so difficult to categorise these things and I don't know what to do with it really sometimes. Where is my purpose in life and where are my giggles? I need more balance. I feel like I have so much social conditioning to get rid of to live my life fully. I am in my late 20's now so I want to prepare myself for the next phase of my life as best as I can. I want to understand what it means to truly be human. I want to learn about stocks and shares and I want to read about great philosophy and art that I haven't exposed myself enough to. How can I become aware enough that I learn to balance all the aspects of myself into a healthy vision? My body has evolved to have all these lower needs and desires, it feels like so much of the world has been created to just take advantage of these aspects of myself. So little of the world is created to support love and relationships. I have changed a lot in the last 12 months and I am very happy and proud of myself, seeing my efforts payoff has meant a lot to me and how I reflect on my past. This life has just been so confusing so I am still sorting through so much mess. I have many achievements to go through, when I am doing something new though I get distracted by the love that I had for the old things. I can feel when I write how chaotic things are in my head, its alarming to me and I need to bring sense to as much of it as I can. Abstract ideas I need to understand, feelings I need to connect with my body. I find it amazing how so many of my beliefs have just been programmed into me without me even realising, now I feel like my identity is reforming as my awareness within myself grows. I feel I have received a few kicks in my life lately including my new job that have really forced me to reconsider many of my life positions and how I am to move forward. What is happiness in all of this? I feel contentment and peace, why do I need much more than this? What are my thoughts and what are the thoughts that society has just marketed to my biology and just wants to plug into me to make me feel things that I don't really believe in looking back on my life in the future? What love do I want to leave behind in my life? My daily practice is what...

Actually more like... Hmm... Time to sink into myself and see what needs to be splattered onto the keyboard .