Esilda

How do I search for and nurse the wounds of him? How do I speak to him like he's never been spoken to before? How do I reach into his soul and make him feel understood like he's never been understood? How do I show him love not through a dream of my own temptations but through a dream of understanding? How do I not let my past wounds corrupt my chances with what I know in my heart I can welcome into my life? How do I console myself, with him and without him?

@lxlichael I really liked it! (didn't meant to come across as immature in my 1st response. Lots of emotions on life. Sorting process)

@modmyth I have so many mixed emotions running through me right now I'm not sure what to believe. But it will all surface with enough iterations. It does not make sense that I was so caught in the dream of my forever believing that they would be the one when now that I look back at things properly were always disrespecting me in subtle ways. My forever would not treat me that way, my forever would love me, support me, grow with me. If my forever exists they exist under the health of what truly makes me a better and more whole person. I created a dream out of someone that I wanted to truly love me not someone who really did love me. This ultimately goes to the trauma of the way that I was brought up which I'm now beginning to see how its impacted the behaviours that have grown in me. I hope you find the healing we both need .

Cheating on someone has to be the ultimate form of disrespect. Yet so many of us let it go on. We forgive our partners. We allow them to bypass our emotional boundary here only to give them the opportunity to hurt us again and again.

I feel like there's a reforming of my boundaries taking place. As I travel back into the past I feel my emotional body changing shape when I address the wrong. I have been so disrespected by my family in my life that I perceived it as normal. I have not had enough understanding of my boundaries.

@Marcel

I want to access my whole life through feeling alone. I know this is how I will find him. When my heart is no longer heavy and it feels like home, the only home I ever could have had outside of true love and connection.

The rush of the earth runs through me, I can see my childhood home. The way I used to move through the grass. The way I used to momentarily think about their next door neighbours with their endlessly barking dog. I can feel the treses as they moved back and fourth all throughout my early childhood as I slowly grew. I can hear the footsteps of people moving around in the house. My life history has never appeared so vividly as it is to me now sitting in my feeling body as I am in this moment.

To feel, to know.

Who wants to live in a dream anyway? I want to live in feeling.

This energy that I feel pulsating through me, surely it must mean something, surely this lives beyond the dream that I was stuck in. This connection, I don't know what it is or who you are, maybe my energy is just manifesting in ways I haven't experienced for a long time. At the tip of its bridge if I lean on it slightly I can feel the depths of my pain easily sink into endless sorrow but amidst everything greater I can feel a soft resonance, it changes and transforms in ways I cannot comprehend. There's so many changing shapes and sounds that sing these words. Every inkling, every slightest movement, changes everything felt, experienced.

Have I been lost my whole life? Was I meant to live my life in a lost way? Where is home if there ever was home? I feel at the centre of it that's where my betrayal lies. At the centre of home. Home betrayed me. And because home betrayed me it feels like the entire nature of life betrayed me. At the centre of my heart, I know that's where home is. I know this is the place that I am meant to protect, love and respect. I realise this now, like I never have before. I feel like there was no home because my home is my heart and my heart has been broken so many times with my last boyfriend being the last person involved here. It had to happen I guess.

The emotional betrayal of my father, you did not treat me like the little girl I wanted to be. The emotional betrayal of my mother, you did not teach me to be the woman I wanted to be. The emotional betrayal of brother, you disowned me with a single remark at your dinner table. There was no love, there was no comfort from any of you. My sister, I emotionally betrayed you so carelessly. I was just so hurt, I didn't feel accepted by you at that time. I expressed to you myself and I got rejected, this triggered me deeply. The emotional betrayal of my younger sister. I cared about you so much when you were younger, we played together all the time. Then when we're together as teenagers you turn against me while we're at our brothers place. I felt incredibly deserted. You emotionally deserted me completely at that time.

I still speak to them all, but in my life, in various ways, they have betrayed me.

The betrayal of my mother The betrayal of my father The betrayal of my brothers The betrayal of my sisters I must sink into all of my feelings of betrayal so that I can find the source of my pain so I can find the source of my growth. So I can find a partner that will not betray me.

I wanted to hold him so close to my heart forever. I wanted to heal all of his wounds with my touch of love. I feel my feminine energy has been deeply wounded. I wanted to feel his body against mine forever, I wanted to have a deep sense of knowing between us for all eternity. I wanted there to be no break between us in reality, no dividing line in our awareness. Lost. Departed. Sunk to the deepest depths of the ocean of my despair where I drown in my sorrow and I'm eaten alive by the creatures I pretend do not exist in my dream a part of me cannot let go.

I got lost in my dream, my dream of him. The thought that he could love me forever, that we would be together for the rest of our lives. To experience his careless betrayal, its almost as if I set myself up. Where was I at the beginning of the year in the period that it happened? Who had I become? Who had I promised to become? How was he a part of it? He never really was, he was a phantom of love and my desire was impenetrable to his loyalty. How could I betray myself? That's the question that I ask myself about his betrayal. What aspect of myself do I not know enough which caused me to experience what I did, to choose to be with who I did? What aspect of myself needs to heal? To feel his breath on my skin makes my skin shutter. But I am still partly caught in the Neverland of what could be possible between us, unable to break free or even truly knowing if I am meant to break free. Where am I in all of this? Where is the truth in my heart?

@Marcel I thought it was him. I felt so naive and yet I have to become naive all over again in order to experience the love I've always wanted. To hear him understand me in all of his richness, for me to understand him. How do I speak from the heart like I once did before in complete surrender to nature? Where was I in all of this? Caught in my mirror dream, my illusions of love, and then when it all happened I felt like all the colours and the lights were sucked from the room. How do I open my heart and keep it open? How do I open my heart and keep it open? That's all that is running through me at the moment. I feel so petrified.

I want to hear my soulmates voice in my dreams @Marcel, I want him to cry tears onto me about his pain and suffering, I want him to see deep into the soul the way I want to be seen. I want to be felt, understood and heard to the bare bones of my being. I want to hear his heart, console him on his battles, contemplations and concerns about life. I want to feel his head against my chest, I want to see the universe of him alone in his eyes and tell him that everything that my heart sings from my soul. I want to feel a thousand voices of his run through my entire body, to be utterly consumed by his desire and to be open to the force of his will, the force of his truest love.

He betrayed me @Marcel. I felt like I exploded inside of my own prison and was repeatedly reborn in a state of horror, viewing all of my dead bodies in the same prison each time over, hearing the screams from all of them simultaneously. NIGHTMARE.

To my one and only, I know you are out there. The pain that I have experienced, it was so that I could learn to treat you better, to love you better, to be there for you more, to be cautious in your wind, to stare into your loving gaze a little longer than I otherwise would. So I could learn to open my heart and have it be stronger than before while keeping its softness, to my one and only whether you hear me now or not I know that we will dream about each other before all of this happens. Let this all be as it should. This perfect universe, created perfectly for me to learn from and understand my own heart. I feel guilt for not knowing, I feel guilt for trying so hard. Let me just be open and free and he will come to me. The wind in my sail, my protector in the skies. My past was not built for me to feel beautiful, it was not built for me to not feel shame or inadequacy, it was not built for me to not feel unworthy. It was built for me to learn from all of my deepest experiences to become the woman I was always meant to be and to find a man that would support me where I want to go, with him and he with me.

@Marcel When he was away I would spend a whole hour every night just meditating on the thought of sending love to him. And then to find out about the betrayal after my spiritual dedication, it made me so paranoid about life it made me feel so delusional it made me feel like I was completely and utterly worthless to give so much of myself only to fall from a thundering speed in the sky to the ground. I felt like... I was betrayed by God.

He was my oyster, the person who I dreamed about daily. I thought we were going to get married, I thought he was going to become my husband. I felt so shattered by his actions, to betray me as he did. He was who I lived for, he was my everything and only. I thought we would never end, I thought my heart would become his and his heart would become mine for all eternity. The dream of my life, shattered with a single act of betrayal. To discover my life was a dream was the most prettifying experience of my life. A disaster of eternity. To feel that I could have brainwashed myself into believing that he was my faithful one is so disillusioning. When it happened I didn't know what to believe about life anymore because of how much I had devoted to him. I was petrified to be in my own skin. I was petrified to love anyone or anything. I felt so alone inside.

How can we validate our trauma more? How can we all appreciate everyone that has experienced trauma more from the position they're in? How can we view people who have gone through trauma from a more respectful place? How do we respect where they are rather than trying to make them be in a certain place through magical force of will that we're not ready for?

Life is harder than just bliss. Some of us can't just go 'straight to bliss'. That makes no sense.