Esilda

Getting back to you! In the meantime What are your thoughts on this Mr @lxlichael ? https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-active-listening-3024343

Depth (completely ignoring you now ): Depth in both oneself and relationships is all about surrender. Surrendering to the moment. Surrendering to the experience of growth of mind, heart and spirit. Surrendering to our partner however they are for their betterment and they ours. Surrendering to love as no unity can happen when our walls are too high up. Surrendering to the discovery of truth and thus the surrender to contemplation including emotional processing. Surrendering to the freedom of consciousness and the openings that life brings. Surrendering to our hearts and the discovery of its truth. Surrendering to integrity and what we truly know what is right. Surrendering our impulses for Higher Mind, Higher Heart, Higher Soul, Higher Spirit. Surrendering ourselves when we have found our whole with another (right connection, compatibility, etc). You like that Mr. @lxlichael ?

I was feeling that I could turn this into a value, what other ideas would you say represent depth? What characteristics would you make a part of this? Out of the box, what do you think it changes for a person and society? Anyone can jump in on this question . Thank you to the both of you @Marcel @lxlichael.

Exactly, we don't get any choice but to sign up or just sit on the sidelines. I like to pretend that I'm not on the sidelines sometimes, it's one of the reasons why I like this forum it keeps me in check lol. Thank you for saying this , balance is key and we need both our hearts and our minds online to workout something that's negotiable. But then there's the case of what are we negotiating? I can't be in an intimate relationship with someone where I'm constantly negotiating on the work they need to do with their heart or mind and neither should they, there need to be some basic ground rules and boundaries as well as understanding if another person could even be a part of that journey or we they, it goes to what @lxlichael said about depth I believe and what @Marcel said about whether who we're going to share our intimate thoughts with. Do me and another guy have the openness, understanding and compassion to work through things? Oh as I think of mutual love for me as a "no matter what" scenario. How do you separate genuine loving connection with someone from objectivity if you're genuinely both relating to each other in this way though? I struggle to understand the difference between the higher self, love and soul, what are your thoughts here? I separate love from limerence. I agree in general, though overall I have many examples in my own life of friends that are lovers which "defy the odds", there's a lot that goes into that soup that most will never be able to achieve. Quite often its the case that you can have balance between each other, but often one wants growth and the other doesn't, growth in one area but not another. Tug of war from either of them will eventually cause separation... The openness, understanding and compassion that I mentioned... Touché . Heart resonance must come first, I can't build my heart just as much as I can't build a connection. That's just way too mental for me. It's open heart to heart communication, that's all it takes for me. Then I have my ego... Which is why I need that compassion. I realise now that it really is that straight forward. When I'm out of touch with my heart, my mind takes over and just spoils everything, my mind needs to listen to my heart, a healed heart though. I feel that Michael is right about depth, that'll be our test how much me and another guy can sustain with one another. So its like, I could even make depth a value of mine now. The whole construction thing sounds nasty if both parties aren't interested. It sounds like something that happens after a divorce rather than something that creates a marriage. Do we create a marriage? For me it just sounds a little weird, there's boundaries of understanding and for me I feel that's as far as I'd take it, what do you feel? I really like this point, this is why learning and communication is so important, like when we're interacting with long term partners its not like we always see them the same way with every action they take, we adjust it over a series of glances continuously. Meaning we're always learning who they are and where they're going. If we're just stuck on them being some image then literally everything becomes doomed by that point, at that point we're just a child with an image and they have to baby to us or vice versa because if they are observing and learning from us they'll see that we just see them like a child would, a mere snapshot of reality. It's why I'm going through this journey now emotionally, to feel and breath new life into those snapshots and re-awaken my heart. I feel like this is built, or like I mentioned boundaried understanding, on a strong foundation of trust and communication. Because even if we don't have snapshots and we're good at learning the changes of our partner a lack of trust and communication will just create further distrust and well that movie will finish soon. Because it creates fear in us, so how do we manage that without communication or good understanding at a minimum? We create in the reality, what are we creating? Meaning for me it feels like idealism is just a creative principle. This goes back to the whole sidelines or not thing though lol, a lot of the time when I'm healing my heart I'm still finding myself in that place, its much easier when I heal more but I slide back and fourth I'm not perfect. I find the more I stretch for idealism at the cost of my heart the more I invalidate, silence, reject it and it well I just regress. I feel really bad for you I'm sorry you've had to go through experiences that have led you to become this way. This is how I have been though in many parts of my life that I'm now really wanting to put a stamp on ending permanently. Yeah I definitely relate to this and its something I've spent a long time working to change at different aspects of my life. The experience with my boyfriend as I've talked about through me into complete disarray and I was just like this. I have made many small steps to get everything back online emotionally for myself and I want to open myself up to more long term commitments, I wont' at all entertain people though if my heart isn't in it as its just not fair on them and I will make them clear about my difficulties, intentions, what I can do with everything and where we're coming together in the midst of that. For me it was never really baggage, just absence, I was absent from life as life was absent from me. The cynicism will continue to eat until the wood is ashes. You went and nuked yourself? For me I just really need that heart to heart connection I really wouldn't sacrifice for anything less just because I'm then sacrificing my life journey. This whole journey thing we do though is so complicated and my position is as complex as anything when it comes to having that heart to heart I desire. It starts with my healing I get that, the rest with something like the law of attraction. For me its not really like that at all, its really all just about the feeling. Aren't they just reality blocks? This goes back to building a heart for me, its not something I do, the heart just feels, feels into and expresses. This is all just the hearts intelligence for me, I don't really relate with the over-selection behaviour, its too mental for me if that makes sense. Without the resonance and everything above I feel it definitely would. Like, just human to human we're here communicating with one another, in our responses we're seeing the light of each other in a way, do we want to see that light or do we want to see the expectation or the thing we thought we'd been promised? I'll go the light everytime as that's what makes me enjoy any such material thing that could come along for me anyway. This is all mostly non-material for me, when has true empathy ever been about the material world? They seem to lose all connection the more we look at them. Precisely, exactly, absolutely... wrecking ball for culture please . It's so weird of the world, they want us to just show up and be ready/perfect and they forget our whole life history, at least that's how it appears to me. It's our responsibility sure I get that and I'm doing this heart work for me but its also their empathy that I'm asking questions about. Ahh.... Inwardly I'm really trying here. I've got so much work ahead of me but I appreciate that . I don't mind if people comment or not its up to them, if I sense social though a lot of the time I find myself becoming naturally accommodating if it suits my vibe. I'm probably going to talk about some really boring, annoying and ugly things in this journal that people aren't going to find worth saying much about lol! I choose people that want to listen and that I want to listen to and understand. If I just want them to listen, they feel that, if they feel I want to understand, they feel that too. Heart to heart. It's like this forum though, I'm just now learning to create really good boundaries for people if they fit with me great if they don't and there's no resonance on resolution its just okay well enjoy life's sunset with someone else I'm okay. I've done this alone thing before and I've done connections with only a few close people before. I don't need a lot of numbers... I do just want depth now in my life. Same here even online. I used to do this but it can be so painful, how does this make us less cynical? I know what it feels like to have to choose between emotions rather than just being in my heart so I'm there with you. I hope you are okay. I don't disbelieve in anger, but its like, okay here it is but now its served its purpose so be gone. Relatable. Trying to change . Thank you @modmyth its been a pleasure reading your thoughts and to do the whole getting to know you a bit better . Oh and @Marcel and @lxlichael let me spray the spicy sauce on those when I feel I need to but Marcel I appreciate your feedback and I'll call you guys again when I need it, I'm just going through an important phase in my development.

@SLuxy thanks. @RickyFitts . Precisely.

I've been a people pleaser pretty much my whole life I think, in my previous relationship I think its pretty obvious by almost anyone's good imagination that I was probably codependent, just an old door that got repeatedly slammed until it broke. That's just the first association that came to mind . It's okay we're way past the sympathy stage in sharing that aspect of my life story now I'm just getting to the something stage . Small ouchness but we're opening the door to more of life. Thank you for the feedback @lxlichael it means a lot I've read a lot of your writing so I can hear your voice in your words and I trust them . Can you give just briefly more elaboration as well? I feel like the fact that we live in such a superficial world in many ways that it hasn't helped my conditioning and well, what would you do socially here if we all don't have healthy influences just culturally? @modmyth Feeling into your response still, my heart says that my response is just going to be about the heart like I mentioned in my journal a few posts back about how I had a revelation about the heart being perfect and it was our minds that needed to do the learning. They can get broken and that's when I experienced my mind becoming the worst but when my heart is fully healed well my mind functions best. I wish this simple pattern was known more. Our hearts have been around way longer than our minds after-all so it ah makes sense that there's nothing we need to change about our hearts other than making sure that they're as healed as possible otherwise our minds communicate with the rest of our bodies in a way that harms us as I have experienced. I'm just on a break at the moment so I will respond to your words more specifically later in the day . @Loba It feels so great to be so accepted and respected by mostly everyone and you are no exception .

I really don't want to hide anything anymore, when I speak I want it to be the truest reflection of my inner light otherwise what is the point of this. My truth.

I now realise that all the tensions I feel inwardly are things that I must explore, that an inward tension doesn't mean I shouldn't talk about it or pretend it doesn't exist, it means that I need to inwardly go into that world and feel into it fully so I can hear its voice until everything has its freedom again. I'm now starting to really find my own authenticity and live in that truly. There were things I really didn't want to talk about, like certain people in my family. Now I realise that this just a form of self suppression, a part of myself that needs more healing. It's this inner conflict between outwards expression, what I want the world to know about me and inward denial and not knowing how to handle these tensions and feelings.

i feel like I'm actually starting to form my own voice, I feel like before I thought I was but I really wasn't, I mean there was just so much dust and I hid some things in my first entry I didn't want to disclose that now I feel comfortable feeling into and talking about freely. i'm still learning how to do this well thank you @Loba

To my youngest brother, You youthful soldier, you were my protector growing up and also my nuisance. I can remember when you used to protect me against childhood bullies when we lived near the city. But then the next day we'd be having sword fights and you'd take things a little too far! I can remember when you'd help me in the water and play with me but then you'd also take things too far there as well (I felt like you were trying to drown me at one point and you never really saw things from my perspective there). I can see how I have hurt you, I just didn't realise how sensitive you were underneath and I was always trying to take care of my what seemed like over-sensitivities in me. We played so often together and the memories in my mind are rich. I can remember when you gave me the nickname "muffin", I can remember whenever I fell over you would help me up and put a bandaid on me and then comfort me back to safety when you were only just 6 years old. We both had such a turbulent childhood though that we lost each other many times during our history. I wish we were closer. I just don't know how that's possible anymore though because we're so many worlds apart I wouldn't know what to say to you, how you could forget your role of protector while still having that brotherly vibe, how we could remove all the animosity between us while still having healthy boundaries that fostered a relationship between us. Even though I am smart you were always the smarter one. I miss that about us because you never made me remember it. I miss many things about us.

That's EXACTLY where I feel I'm going I feel so much more empowered than what I did before!

I haven't forgotten you @RickyFitts thank you so much like I said i always appreciate your lovely comments .

@IAmReallyImportant I have placed you on ignore. Politely, do not comment on my journal again. If you comment again I will report you to a moderator. Thank you for the advice here @Marcel . For heavens sake like the guy even read anything about my experiences with disrespect as if a part of my growth is to be so accommodating to his ass for Christs sake. In future @lxlichael let me handle these people myself unless I ask for you, although I do appreciate your subtle attempts . I need to learn to start sticking up for myself, I have spent years of being walked all over and falling into silence when I see mistreatment I simply won’t have it any longer this is one aspect of this forum that I really do not appreciate. Strong boundaries from now on like you @lxlichael. In this journal, I want the ultimate respect shown. Please anyone that wishes to comment here read my journal first especially questions. I asked the question of how we can give the right level of respect to people that have experienced trauma, this has not been shown here. This forum is filled with just sooooooo many disrespectful people. Please if you’re going to comment on my journal empathise with my experiences otherwise why are you even reading just to try and then state your self interested opinion! I mean, what the fuck?!?! Are you not reading all about all the difficult emotions I'm trying to process? Is there something I'm not saying here someone? Michael/Marcel am I missing something with my boundaries here am I saying something wrong? This feels like my right, my space, my gut feeling intuition but I appreciate your guidance if you have extra perspectives. By the way, that second one was an unbelievable improvisation @lxlichael thank youuuuu it warmed my heart so much when I listened to it, it was seriously so unexpected. I'm just, totally overwhelmed by it actually you captured my experience really well .

It's amazing when I look back on time, when I was a little girl I just had no idea how much of an influence my social environment was having on my emotional development. I lived totally at the reaction of everything around me. I can recall playing with my dolls, dressing them, combing their hair, creating stories between them, just totally inside my own world with no thought for a year from now let alone ten years from now. It was as simple as waking up in the morning, going to my bedroom cupboards and pulling out my playhouse and then beginning to just, PLAY! I feel like I can feel all those moments again like i've never felt before, it makes me feel so beautiful inside like that i am finally getting in touch with my inner child again. I spent so much time not knowing what I was even hiding from, I would just feel these subtle triggers that would block me from diving deep inside of myself to understand the voice of my heart. I now see that little girl again, though no longer in third person. She is vibrant and free inside of me, now we just sit humbly together and I feel her pain with no longer the need to reject her deepest wishes anymore. Tears. Feels good.

OMG Jordan Peterson actually reminds me of @lxlichael ROFL! Thank you again, so much appreciation for leaving us your journals. Have listened to this like, sooo many times now by the way. Such a pure heart you have you can't fool any of us, I see straight through you!

So much of life is about learning to learn the lessons of our heart. Our hearts are already perfect. It is our minds that get things wrong. Our hearts must teach our minds and our minds must listen to our hearts to grow them. This is such a beautiful revelation for me I feel... So so many different emotions right now.

@Marcel Thank you Feeeeeeeeeeling funky!

You don't need to swear at her.

@Someone here You are not fooling anyone with this marcho business, there's no need to speak to her like that.

@Marcel You are a treasure , I am observing the growth of you both and its blossoming beautifully. I am starting to feel so much more balance within myself. I still have nervousness within my system I am trying to expel through the healing I am going through but I feel so so much more internal than I did before I came to the forum .

I feel myself becoming so much more expressive... I feel like I'm learning to trust myself in a new way...

To my mother, Was I really so insignificant in your significance? I spent so many months in your stomach and this was the respect you showed me in my life form while you went parading around saying what a blessing in disguise I was during your stages of pregnancy. The lies, the manipulation, the hate, the poor impulse control, the physical abuse, the emotional outbursts. As I write these words I feel my tears of hurt well up in my eyes, further pain added to this with a hint of satisfaction by realising that these tears will be your only form of redemption.

You have your own path of course and I wish you the best on this journey. Is this something that you have arrived at after your healing or are you still a part of your journey? I lacked so much authenticity in my relationship with him because I was caught in a dream, I realise that I never properly tried to make him understand my needs and what I needed in our relationship. So I was used as a doormat. That tells me as well though that he never knew how to make space for me to understand him. I had a fantasy of closeness while he was in reality truly distant. I'm not so sure that growth or exchange is a part of my value set for any such contract, for me it would just be based totally in love. Growth is something that we do together as a part of our love. There are so many questions we still don't know the answer to in life, if we ask what is darkness when all that we have known is darkness we will never get the answer to it if we are always in darkness. It doesn't mean darkness doesn't exist though or that there isn't an answer. More and more now (post below the one you replied to) for me it is really just about shared understanding, is it not? Life has brought me this lesson that my dream of pure fantasy is only going destroy me utterly and completely psychologically. A dream, so fantasy, of understanding sounds a whole lot better as a foundation for maintaining and strengthening love. When our lives are thrown together coming from distinct histories but I feel a strong connection with this other guy and he does me too, if we have both have had trauma then are they not the exact obstacles we will face in maintaining our connection if our wounds go unresolved? For me its becoming the case of, if we fail, we need to change, its not that we destroy our idealism its that we give it new form. For me I spent my whole 2 years with him simply lost in the trance of how he would repay his debt for all that I had done for him only to be met with utter disappointment and hurt which has taken me over 12 months to recover from. I have become totally disillusioned from my experiences. When I discovered the ultimate betrayal I had lost total trust and faith and everyone around me, my mind went into total chaos and it took me weeks to truly find some emotional base grab onto, which was only one hand on the edge of a cliff that I could have easily fallen from if I ever got triggered. I've realised now how important it is for me to travel into my past and heal the wounds of my mistreatment to find myself anew in the physical world, that without, I am stuck in the unconscious dreams of my past that bring me into further unconsciousness of the present by ignoring the obvious signs and instead clinging to my dreams of a partner.

Please don't tell me how to think about my emotions. THIS is a transmutation process.