Esilda

Wow what a coincidence!

TIME FOR SOME SUSHI FOR AN EARLY LUNCH!!

To my mind, I know that you don't really exist, we were told a lie for so long, all I have is my heart and this is what I should have signalling to all along. The mind is just a vessel for ideas and travels, its the heart that makes the mind though. Every moment and within those moments every sensation, the heart shapes the mind continuously even if we don't feel it doing so. My mind turned him into destiny but my heart was always still left yearning. My mind thought he was mine but my heart felt lost, betrayed and abandoned. The mind is a dangerous thing if we're not feeling safe in our home, our hearts.

@RickyFitts

To my patterns, I realise now that he is just a repeating pattern in my mind, something that I've conditioned to think about over and over again. He doesn't deserve my thoughts, he doesn't deserve my emotions. What has he done for me? I don't have to give him the attention like I thought I used to, just because he appears in my mind doesn't mean that anything was meant to be it simple means that this just happens to be where my mind is at the moment. If we have a craving for some fast food we don't have the thought, "oh this must be meant to be, this must be destiny" no we just control the craving and choose a healthier choice. Making a commitment to becoming a healthier choice for myself, feeling into all of my thoughts and emotions. Not putting meaning there that I have no need to respect. I just need to feel into these parts within my heart, if it was really meant to be he would have treated me better, he wouldn't have betrayed me. It's just a repeating loop, that's all it is, once I come into acceptance of this it will be much easier to return home into my heart and allow my heart signal higher to my mind.

To my job, I feel my ego not being appreciated enough, I feel like I'm so much like a robot... I feel like.. Oh great I have to finish this later

I have a cat named Frank he is sooo cute, anyhow when I pat him and I feel into the experience fully I feel like I can feel into his soul, that in that moment we are energetically resonating with eachother. That he can hear my energies and I can hear his energies, a certain harmony accrues; synchronisation. This is how I want my close connections with others to be, to connect fully with their hearts, for us to harmonise together. To forget the mind completely and all the lies we've been told about its existence and just simply be, heart to heart. Frank's purr is my purr, my purr is Frank's purr. Nothing exists and nothing else has to exist for us, we are in the flow and flow doesn't need anyone or anything other than the harmonisation of connection. This is the place where love is created, its not strange then that Frank and I love each other.

@Marcel music is our abstract of emotion

@SLuxy that's okay

Let me just lay here, on the grass feeling the sun warm my cheeks. Experience the tinge of my skin tanning, the comfort of simply being alive. Since when did happiness ever become a thing of the mind? This just seems so obtuse to me, just as long as we're feeling good in our bodies what do we need? I feel like, all I need from life sometimes is simply the feelings within my body and experiencing their love. Who said love is an emotion? Maybe love is all of the emotions we just need to release the mind feel into them within the body and then feel a more alive heart. I don't know if reality exists when I feel into my awareness here, somebody told me this I didn't say it, we get told all these silly things right. This is the experience within my emotional life the more I acknowledge the perfect beauty of them all. Home was always within me as I said earlier in my journal it was just a matter of me returning there within my heart and not denying any of the experience. Nothing exists, none of it, its all a lie it really is, all of reality, I am just the ever changing flow of my emotions. This whole idea of imagination as well, its flawed, imagination doesn't exist either, there isn't a mind, there's no god, there's nothing, its just this flow, this resonance, which is all nothing, nothing but emotional love.

Everytime I travel into the past, I am reminded of this disconnect between trying to be a certain way and true authenticity. The past creates the unity I need when go there in my heart, where I feel into the impressions of the past more than think about them. It is the feeling of the impressions that reminds me of my aliveness, who cares about facts really, my feelings create the facts, they help me find my truth and not for comfort but to simply feel into my core wholly and fully so that I am not distorted by what happened in my experiences and instead I feel the strength of the truth of how I was feeling. This teaches me so much, that everything is beautiful, that it was just the facts that made me not fully see into my aliveness. Who really cares about the mind, who really cares about time, there is just feeling and when we change this vibration all of reality changes in way. How can I connect with a true lover if I am not this way?

.... re-reading my journal

To all of my emotional spaces, You surround me, you hold me, you nurse me, you heal me, you hurt me, you move in all sorts of ways that you define me. With every texture, colour, note and rhythm of feeling you vibrate, oscillate and resonate to create and define me. I am nothing without you though I want to be free from you like a bird wants to fly away for the first time from its nest. I feel like my emotions are a pool and I am learning to swim in them still, that I'm still moved by the tides, waves and motions of every ripple still. That I can't get a handle on 'me', the life that wants to spring from experiences that tied me down. I am lost in many ways, like an echo trying to find its way out of a cave I just take every direction I can and hope my sound can still reach the end. This feeling I want to embrace that takes me beyond caring anymore but caring some more, so that my freedom is as great as the love that I want to create with those I see as special and give to those who I know are in need. Lost without a trace are many aspects of me, all this heart communication I am now doing is revealing many more senses than what we describe and I don't know completely where its going to take me. More space and new space, emotions... my love...

I'm intuiting that I coudl predict a lot more things about you based on your answers here as well, also if I asked a few more questions... @lxlichael You're totally right but its such a drag, I'm not a superwoman with my awareness yet. You still haven't got back to me about active listening but I'm finding what I said was useful in how I said I would apply it to heart work. I feel that I'm definitely starting to Map your Meanings more and more . I hope this is a case of you don't mind at all.

Hmm... Do you find that this is different for films where the acting is just amazing and it requires you to use a lot of empathy to take in the emotional richness of the film? I think I just found a flaw in how you view entertainment, that this is an exception to how you normally process things.... Please tell me if I'm wrong though that's just my intuition... ... because if you're there happy to empathise with the experience of the person enjoying the film, surely in the case of great acting and moments that require strong empathy in a well done film that still might be pretty culturally skewed... you'd be still having the same response.... My guess is strong character profile films that align here would be best here for you.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom @Marcel that is sooo kind of you

@lxlichael hey hero just busy. will get back to you

To my love, What was it that created you? Why did you become possessed by this? You ate from the tree of love but you did not check to see if the fruit was ripe. The tree of love, I love this metaphor. Is this is the lesson I am supposed to learn? It sounds so simple and elegant. He was just on the tree of love and I ate something that I shouldn't have yet or even maybe I ate from the wrong tree this is possible too.

To my love, Why do I feel the need to care about this person still? Why do I subject myself to this kind of torture? The torture of caring about them so strongly when they have clearly betrayed me and they would do it again and again at their leisure? What do I do with this love? Do I step on it? Do I recycle it? Do I simply speak to it? What is it that I do here that would solve this conundrum? Why can't I just let fully go? Is it the dream that I cannot let go of or is it the lover? If I attached the dream to a different person then it has nothing to do with the person right? If I subtract the dream from the person then I can just allow things to be and move on, yes? Then perhaps this is neither about my love or my betrayal but my propensity towards dreaming that must be healed?

To my betrayal, My heart hurts and will continue to hurt so long as I have the same beliefs in this world that contributed to said pain. My heart will not become fully open until I learn to fully take on the new changes I need to take on which will protect my heart in the future. The pain continues to exist because my heart does not feel fully protected and I am still partly in love, its a love that I haven't learned to fully shake from myself. Can I 'shake it from myself'? Is this something that can be done?

To my betrayal, What beliefs did you hold onto to create said betrayal? What things do you need to understand about people before engaging into any kind of intimacy with a person in future? What were the patterns of said person that led to the betrayal that I could have seen better at the start? Maybe he wasn't as sentimental as I thought? Maybe he had a pattern of cheating on partners in the past that I wasn't aware of? Why would I conclude that once was the only time? That was simply the one time I found out. How could you just coldly do that to a person when you had spent so much time being with them? It's psychopathic.

@lxlichael I realise as well that listening is so important inside just as much as outside but I now you meant that as a part of what you said I just wanted to add that . Also the link I want you to look at, you said you were interested in my comments on the heart right? I was feeling into the idea of applying active listening to heart and energy work .

@SLuxy I'm not really a YouTube person outside of music and basic recreational. Video goes too slow. Books. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read . This is why I asked for notes! Just list the notes here if you watched it you should have them right?

@SLuxy I'm not watching the video lol. I'm glad they give you meaning though . Just a really tight schedule.

Thanks guys! @lxlichael @Marcel @RickyFitts @SLuxy Do u have notes on it? Time is scarce for video these days.