Esilda

PHANTOM LOVE, DIE DIE PHANTOM LOVE! ~ sorry just playing a video game at the moment ~

To my sexuality, I am so happy I haven't been with a lot of guys (only two), I've managed to preserve a lot of my female energy and only give it away to those who I thought were really special to me at the time. This includes all things sexual other than kissing. I might have painted some of my past relationships as really bad, these are just my relationships from the perspective of the trauma that I need to recover from. Not that it was made up for by sex or anything like that, just that there were many positive reasons for why I made the decisions I did for the partner that I chose at the time. My sexuality, you are my goddess, through you I feel the earth and the way that western man does not make cultural. All of these hard buildings, roads, laws and everything strict like this has turned female nature totally upside down. I've had plenty of impulses in every which way but I always made it a part of my meaning in life, to make the right choice when it comes to sexuality, to never debase myself in this way because of the harm that I know it can do to me psychologically. You are such an intrinsic part of my identity, how the world views me and how I view the world, I feel so lucky to have had you guiding me throughout my life in my understanding of the flowing nature of life in ways that I otherwise would never have been taught how. I am calling upon you now to understand any pain you have experienced in the past, so that together we can work through this and make each other more alive through this journey of growth with my heart.

Not closed off, I realise I just have to transmute all of this. This is all just a process of rinse and repeat on the right procedures. Most of life is simply a transmutation process, aka life is change and we make processes to deal with that. Love starts inside, that's why I'm starting with the heart energies. I learned from you, lxlichael/Michael (I won't annoy him with the tag!) and the chakra system that from here this is where I learn to direct those energies to other parts of our being. ... I don't know how much all of this is under conscious control and how much conscious living plays an aspect in my growth here though the opposite is obviously not true, so I have to put the work in while finding a balance. I'm not very good at remembering dreams but I want to include this in my growth as well. I liked your quotes, please feel free to share more anytime

... updating my ideas about love, making sure they reinforce the understanding, nurturing and growth of my heart to greatest extent as a bare minimum.

I want to change but where is this change coming from? I feel I should make it come from love but I also feel I need to update my definitions of love as I say here because as I say here my notions of love have now been under attack so I won't feel that sense of safety I usually get from love. If its not love then what's the alternative? Everything is lesser. What drives greater healing than love? But healthy love... I feel I should be updating my experiences of love while also at the same time moving into love to create these changes. All of this has consequences for all of my other world views as said here so this is why this heart work isn't easy, I feel we should always have a movement towards subtlety.

To love, I know that my ideas about you need to change and change here is to a higher level of maturity. Where I go with you doesn't have to be the final destination as maturation is ongoing but I know that obviously some of my ideas of love have hurt me so I won't attract the relationship I deserve until I evolve. My father taught me that it was okay for my partner to be cold, dismissive and distant in love, so I want to heal the wounds necessary to attract a partner that is supportive, loving and devoted. My mother taught me that it was okay to be used, disrespected and abused in relationships, so I want to heal the wounds necessary to attract a partner that actively demonstrates appreciation through their respect and seeks to communicate with me at a higher level when we need to work through our issues. Both my parents taught me to fantasise about their love as it did not exist the way I wanted it to in reality, I had to fantasise that they really loved me in order to believe that they really loved me and look at all of their actions as though they were coming from a place of love. This last one is the biggest wound of all, projecting love where none exists and worse, where there is abuse. I have to realise that my past conditioned patterns are a weapon used against me only by myself and not even my potential partner, they're just reacting to what's already there.

@RickyFitts Thanks much appreciation, will get back to you on my impressions!

You're welcome @RickyFitts thank you for sharing your resources and support as well! @Marcel you too! I am very open minded so if anyone wishes to share any resources they've truly found useful I'd be very welcoming of them .

To my awareness (growing my self awareness ) I was clearly taken advantage of, what was it that prevented me from seeing this? What is it in my childhood that I need to heal? I was clearly under appreciated, so again on the above. I was clearly lied to and I even accepted those lies, so again on the above. I was clearly manipulated and I even accepted this manipulation, so again on the above. I was clearly disrespected and I let that disrespect slide too many times (wasn't just playful, so serious emotional disrespect), so again on the above. I was clearly acknowledged for my own self worth, so again on the above. i was clearly not loved in the way that real love is, so again on the above. I was clearly invalidated emotionally, mentally and physically continually, so again on the above. I was clearly in denial of all of this continually, so again on the above. I can accept being aware and I believe I am self aware but I still let all this happen @lxlichael, I really appreciate the support though, like really it means a lot to me .it's heartbreaking but these tears are my salvation because to just admit all of this to myself and so openly as I am now instead of being in fear is its own kind of healing that adds to my own self discovery.

Reading again

@lxlichael What do you know about inner child work? Still haven't gotten back to me on the other questions by the way...

... you guys lol

To the change space, You are the space within me that is and isn't my identity at the same time. It feels both comfortable and uncomfortable being in this space, this is where I am acting out of time and in time at the same time. In identifying you, I can covet you, like my favourite marbles. I can use you as a potion to resonate with to spark actions that lead me to making the changes I need to create the growth I wish in my life. You are the "change space", you run both for and against my identity, you tap into some of the deeper aspects of me and you represent a strong symbol from time, place and idea while at the same time a strong symbol for growth, positive work and gratitude. This is the change space, I will use her, as I'm calling her a she, and she is going to be represented as an angel that I can call upon when I am doing my heart work here and when I need to carry out difficult tasks like calling upon my childhood self to be inside my body to help light up my heart. Her name will be Kirsty (so I'm always reminded by my best childhood friend).

To Kirsty, You were my childhood best friend, I remember when the very first time I met you was when we as kids were playing marbles during recess (or lunch) and I thought you stole a marble of mine and I nervously asked you to give it back and you did you were just really curious about it. You then battled me for it, I won and remember giving back your marble as well as giving you the marble you wanted of mine as a gift. I remember how at the end of the year we managed to convince the teachers to put us in the same class in our next season. We sat next together, we would draw in each others modules during class and when we both finished ahead of everyone else in the class. You would draw creative love hearts and I would draw animals with unusual features and we would copy and merge our different drawings. Kirsty I just wanted to say that I missed you and if you're out there, I hope you're doing okay.

To my childhood self, I'm visiting you now, I need you to wakeup for me. Please visit me, return into my body completely and fully. I need you in my life right now, I need to start preparing for the world in a new way and I need you along for the ride. I need your curiosity, your love and your openness and I will be your anchor on the ground. The world is changing a lot and I need to grow my heart as quickly and deeply as possible. You're one vital ingredient for this process. We must prepare, let me take care of you and you will be the exploration I need to make it to the other side.

Lay down, close your eyes and very peacefully ask yourself the question: "Where does my heart want/wish to go?" You may start to head into your imagination and this may lead to tears and many other emotions if you're in a state of receptivity, in touch with your emotions.

To society, I was emotionally betrayed not only by those around me but just the state of where we had arrived as humans mystically. You carried me into this life and my mother and father were betrayed immediately when it came to raising me when I was conditioned from such a young age to seek happiness outside of simply knowing my heart. In turn, my mother and father betrayed me. This is generational betrayal I'm feeling at my core. This is bringing tears to my eyes I can't write about this more right now. I can't believe we could do this to each other for so long.

@Marcel since when did we need anything other than inner heart wholeness to be happy?

God what guy is going to want me once they learn of how gullible I was. I was gullible because I was damaged so I wasn't connected to my true heart centre. I feel so embarrassed to even have a conversation with my gullibility right now, not to mention my naivety.

To my paranoia and suspiciousness, Who and what is it for and why do they concern my heart? They're just two lost souls and in the end what is it really going to matter? My heart is going to open, it'll feel freer, weigh less, I'll heal my wounds and everything will be more in a space of love. It's not my fault and it wasn't my fault, sure I could have done this and done that but in the end it really wasn't. I can simply continue to return home through my heart work and the world will continue to open for me. I can feel their energies, I can feel the tensions but what changes? Just to become more myself. My emotions make me feel really nervous sometimes, like I don't know the full story of what they tell me just that I know they tell me sometimes many more things than I realise, sometimes I see these things in dreams and all of these intuitions. It's all one grace though, it's all one turn. I can just... step over the puddle. That's what my intuition gives me.

To my emotions, You give me the space to see things I never would have but in your communication to my mind I also see so many conditioned patterns from my mind to heart, this is where I travel to myself, so what we call the past, when I was a little girl just feeling into all of my experiences and feeling the ebbs and flows of experience. In my surrender and seeing into those emotional experiences I see my entrapment and in that sight I am set free into love more and more.

I'm not so sure about the feeling part, for me there is a home there that we can nurture. The description of heart sounds way too mental for me.