Esilda

Maybe the producers paid Blake? I don’t want to dump on Teal, I have already shared my disapproval. I don’t want to insinuate what isn’t true. What was this anyway? Teal was obviously setup, that much is true. Teal isn’t going to allow producers of a show spend lots of money to bring her career down. I watched a video of hers for the first time just now. I like her THOUGH one thing that has REALLY triggered me is how carelessly she treated the issue on suicide. I battled with suicidal ideation throughout my teens and even into my twenties, if it wasn’t for the love and support of my friends family that shared with me their views against suicide. I don’t even want to speak about this it upsets me so much.

I watched the last episode last night. I am absolutely horrified with the way she treated Blake. Did she kill his fish or just what happened to them it’s like the producers of the show were trying to hint at that. That was so strange the way that they were dead when he found them.

People are too focused on the pros and cons. Her head is now too big for spirituality. I would be fired on the spot if I acted all sexual and said the words she has spoken on her videos. Irresponsible woman.

Life is a maze from the second we are born. When I was 4 years old I started having major anxieties, Maybe even earlier but it’s difficult to see anything before that in my memory. When I was 11 I received special care for depression and anxiety. Meds too. Depression runs in my family so I think I am one that has got it from the family. Born with it then. Genetic susceptibilities. Won’t spoil anyone with needless medical jargon I am just so exhausted studying for my UCAT’s anyway. Going through a very traumatic move from one country to another when I was in my early teens was not a good idea by my parents. When I finished high school I was so burnt out as . Maladjusted. Overschooled. I was done. I have never tried to commit suicide. I have suffered from suicidal thoughts in my earlier years tho. I have been receiving serious help for just everything better than I ever have these last few years. I have had to use my medical knowledge to train my brain and body to work in the way I have needed it. I always felt empty though and this is what led me to spirituality in my late teens, questioning my agnosticism and my parents devout faith. Sometimes I have felt so old in a young body. I have been told I am wiser beyond my years. I don’t believe this to be completely true tho. There is so much of life I want to experience. I have to experience. I have decided to accept all of the parts of myself now. I have MADE A STAND! I am now off my medication for the first time in my life and I haven’t been on medication for now over 3 months. I learned about spirituality from my friend Sarah growing up as her mum was so into crystals and everything so reaching out further has always been in the back of my mind. She’s had a big influence on my life in other ways where my mum wasn’t able to. In the last year I have made so much progress in my spirituality and mental well being. I made the most of a job opportunity I never had before and I have become more self aware than I used to be. Now… I am sitting the UCAT in less than two weeks…. Petrified. I still do tai chi. I simply have never been good with exams really. I am learning to embrace and connect with my body much more. This really helps my anxieties and my connection with other people. If I make it into medical school I want to specialise to become a pediatrician. I want to become the best mom in the world after med school (++) and work part time with children. Tired… Tai chi… fruit and vegetable smoothie… back to study. If I don’t make it into medical school… there isn’t a won’t here… I would be so devastated. The next move of life’s maze here… difficult to imagine… this would complete my maze.

Difficult day. Shit. Miserable. Self forgiveness ❤️.

Solid day For Tuesday 31st I tai chi’d myself to death for 2 1/2 hours today! 2 different periods, 2 different smoothies. Strange though. Usually I am just pretty calm during… hmm… though lots of day dreaming fantasies, I day dreamed of a fruit market it was so random lol. I went to the fruit market in the afternoon, cheaper though more natural tomatoes and oranges which are my favourite. I never got this whole debate about whether or not tomatoes were fruits or vegetables. I day dreamed about the future of humanity probably because I watched michio talking yesterday lol. I re-read one of my favourite chapters in The Power of Now. Everyone knows the author. Things I wish for, for everyone to just love each other on planet earth. These test questions… Ugh so tired… UCAT… my last 30 minutes for the night. Then I’m going to start learning a programming language as I know it will help me think more logically. Before bed… compassionate meditation for 25 minutes… everyone on the planet. Utterly… tired… Ugh. Lol. Dance time, shake it all about then back to it.

Yes I have re-read everything I realise how irrational I was being. If I may though, so that people understand my reaction… When you spend so much time with someone to the point where they become your entire world, close connections saying things that hurt the image of what you had and how you see yourself even though it’s true… it was still so difficult to hear. I realise though that this is… well… emotional awareness right? I still have weaknesses here I realise that. I am not running away from them.

I have CPTSD. Please research to understand why this would trigger me. My overreaction is my fault. I understand this. I meant no ill will a lot built up and I’ve felt like I haven’t known how to express myself about it.

@somegirl have hidden. Srry. Will stay out of it.

I have had a really stressful day. I admit I was carried away I have been holding a lot in I realise now I was acting irrational. I don’t want this to echo out to affect me. I am sorry to the moderators and anyone else affected. Hiding my comments now I did not mean to add fuel to the fire. My relationships are important to me and I care about people on the forum, I acted irrationally I did not mean anything bad towards lxlichael.

@somegirl what in life do you want to know more than anything else? I find the whole god realisation a little weird and off for me, it really feels like spiritual gurus are competing against one another. If they could come up with something greater than god realised they would and the person that got their first would say they were more conscious than all the other spiritual leaders so people should follow them. What is selfishness anyway? Who invented the idea? I think that people are simply raised differently and have different levels of love. Have you ever heard of the spoiled only child syndrome? ???

@Striving for more how do you suggest we use the forum? ?

I am now prepping for UCAT! Wish me luck!!! All I’m waiting on now is a date for the admissions test, I applied on the last day they were accepting applications lol.

@Average Investor I am playing Tetris right now lol! Sitting here waiting… waiting… waiting…. For my friend lol.. It’s a game I’ve been playing since I was quite young. Favourite = longevity ???❤️??????.

@Ya know I have been learning a lot more about physiotherapy lately to add that to my skill tool belt for work. Can’t go wrong with continuous learning! ?