chris_crunch

Hey guys. I'm not sure where I should start, or how to best phrase my concerns about this (I tend to be very bad at trying to convey my thoughts, so apologies in advance). I'm a 21 year old student studying Mathematics at University. I've found it interesting, and I enjoy logical thinking... but for as long as I can remember, I've had a deep longing for connection, love and intimacy with a partner. Fortunately I grew up with great friends whom through hanging around with, on the face of it, people would say my social skills are quite good. The problem is that they are... up until a certain point... I keep thinking that I've resolved the 'issue' that I'm about to mention, but I had another episode of it 3 weeks ago which I'm still trying to clear up. I don't know what this problem is, but it seems to be preventing me from actually getting what will make me happy: The issue: So essentially, this is what happens. As I said, I'd usually do okay with girls. Being a fresher in college, we go to bars/clubs, I meet girls there, chat away, end up kissing a few, bringing some back, whatever, I don't think much of it. But every so often I meet a particular girl that... I just go crazy over. It's like I have to be with her. I do all this stupid stuff like text her to much, and be too eager to meet up... I'm willing to drop all the other stuff that's going on in my life just to spend time with her. Either she agrees, and the quality of my life goes down so much to the point where I just don't even feel justified to have her in my life... or else the eagerness actively pushes her away. Either way I'm left distraught, angry at myself for the stupid way I'm acting, and confused... and really, really upset. I can't stop thinking about the image in her head of this 'cool guy' she first met... and then slowly watch as I turn into a complete mess, and being repulsed by it. What is going on here? Why do I get so attached, why do I feel like I need this external validation? It's not just her, I also constantly care about my social image and standing. I mean, who doesn't, especially in college, right? But it's getting to the point where I'm literally seeing how my fretting over it is the exact cause of me acting weird, to eager, to cocky, to clingy, to boastful... What I've tried: I realize that what I'm looking for is a dependent relationship, which is strange, because my higher self knows what this is, and I know I don't want that. I thought about the fact that not having a clear sense of where I'm going with this maths degree, not having a purpose, not really feeling solid in the sense of identity that I have at the minute, is causing me to derive my sense of significance from other people's opinions of me. I've though about that for weeks now. Which means one way to resolve it is to have something better to do than to care what other people think. This seems right, right? The question is, what is it? I keep using affirmations, trying to convince myself that Maths is awesome, I came her to study it, why should I care about 'being cool'... Though I feel like 'being cool' is actually what I want, more than maths, deep down. I want to be loved, to enjoy making money, partying with hot girls... seemingly more than I want to be sitting in on a saturday night in the library, scribbling numbers on pages. I'm starting to also think girls not liking my thin-slice of 'the stereotypical mathematician' is a problem. I always though that they'd be impressed that I'm not the typical maths student, I'm sociable and like having fun... What's going on here? I know that girls find a sense of direction and purpose attractive... why am I finding everything so conflicting, and cultivating what I want to do... Why am I so confused, and why is this so difficult? And I haven't even thought this desire for a relationship through. It'll definitely harm the result I get in my degree... or maybe I just need one right now? But how to get it, with someone I really like? As my therapist said, when I stop looking, she'll arrive...

Hello. I'm a 21 year old Mathematics Undergraduate, just started at university. I'm taking student loans to pay for my accommodation and food etc, which just about keep me going. So my pockets are a little thin while I educate myself about all the lovely maths in the world! But I haven't been very good. I'm currently £1500 in debt, (which is just at the bottom of my overdraft limit), and catching my stuff spending it stupidly. I bought around £70 worth of nuts at the start of term. Occasionally I'll go out with my friends, get drunk and end up spending up to £100 in a night out. Sometimes I buy coffee from Starbucks or Caffe Nero. Sometimes if my friends are going out for food I'll go with them, despite having already bought food to cook, which then goes off... Okay, so in short, I'm doing pretty badly. But I can't expect to be doing any better, because I have no system in place for how I'm spending my money (or lack of it). I've managed to get by okay so far by advertising myself as a tutor online, and luckily I'm making around £50 a week with this. But now, since it's the holidays, that income stream has ceased too. How should I develop a system to get this area of my life handled? During end of term I was going through some emotional hardships with a girl which ended really terribly, which then made me spend all my savings to go out and get drunk... How do I stop this from happening in the future? Is there any books someone can point me towards to get my finances handled? OR... Should I be focusing on different ways to make money, now I'm at uni? I would like more money to enjoy a better lifestyle. I've came from a gap year, but I had spent all my savings on things I needed (laptop, clothes, driving lessons)... as well as things I didn't need (going out to much, drinking). What I've tried I've attended the Millionaire Mind Intensive in London, but I found myself not yet resonating with what was said at the seminar (it seemed like a scam to be honest, just to suck you in to paying for their courses) but I did take one thing: split your income into jars, one for play, one for savings, one for maintenance... I've also tried to keep track of how much money I'm spending using an excel spreadsheet, but I find this too time consuming and tedious... Perhaps I should work harder to develop this habit?

I've been contemplating making this post for a while, but today something sparked me to metaphorically snap. I'm currently noticing very negative emotions in my body... before I detail why, let me set the frame of context. I've recently moved to a new city, creating a new life. I'm big into practicing self develepment, and have been since I was very young. My lodger J is also interested in it. We often have interesting conversations- it resonates with us. He's doing well for himself! Well... almost. I've never brought this directly to him, but his girlfriend is... I don't like to pass judgement so I will just say, without comment, some of her actions and habits: -She has just started work at her 5th, almost minimum wage, job this year. She complains constantly about all the negative things it entails. Today was her third day and she "hates it'. -Every night I hear her screaming and arguing with J, usually over trivial matters. -She never cooks, or cleans. J does all of it. -90% of the time I see her on facebook, twitter, resonating with negativity. -The only things she likes to converse about are negative, e.g. gossiping about others. I try to avoid this, so there's not much I and her converse about. Though I pass myself, always saying "Good morning" and the usual chit chat that follows. -The environment in this house is very negative. I want to be able to work in the evenings but I am always on edge here. -If I leave unwashed dishes, she will be very angry at me, as hers ironically lie in the corner. Okay so today I came in and she was in a bad mood. So I didn't greet her as usual, thought she didn't seem like talking. I was reorganizing my things, doing some research. I heard some angry sighing, some doors slamming, some shouting... then J told me she was "annoyed at me because I didn't say hello to her when I came in." --------------------- The triviality of this small issue sums up this nicely- she resonates with negativity so much that, no matter what happens, she has an excuse to be annoyed. And sometimes that excuse is me. There are 3 courses of action I could take. 1)Move out 2)Try to change her 3)Tell J my thoughts- I think he's a good guy, he wants to do great things in the future, but I believe she is weighing him down. What should I do?

Not all that much has changed. At the minute, she's changing jobs again so she's not as negative as usual. I've also been travelling a lot and working a lot more in cafes, dealing with the situation by escapism. I will bring it up to J if there's another incident that pushes me over the edge, but for now I'm trying my best to talk to her about topics of her interest, let her complain... basically employing all the principals of Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends And Influence People". Thank you everybody for you input. I've finally came to the conclusion that this event is defined by my interpretation. If her negativity is aggravating me, it means there's a "hole in my castle" that's letting it in. I shouldn't be influenced at all by it. In fact, I should be so immersed in the development of my own life that I don't even recognize it. Though I want to help her, she must find her own way out. I just hope I'm able to provide a positive influence to her, and not the opposite- her a negative influence on me! That's it, done. I'll know if this situation ever starts to bother me again, it's a sign that I must take better care of myself. I'm actually thankful that she's keeping me in check this way. -C

Pallero- Here are my thoughts: It depends what you want out of life. If I want to be successful, I need to surround myself with people who are killing it and crushing it and life, right? So I don't like being around her- I find her toxic and poisonous. Yes, you can try look at the world from a rose-tinted lense but negative people rub off on you right? I disagree, but this is interesting that you say that. Why so? Interesting. So seeing her flaws will highlight some of my own? I still think sharing time with positive people seems to do a better job at this thouugh... This is all good in theory but can you show me how to apply this in specific situations- examples? What? There is everything wrong with that. The disease of mediocrity is the epidemic right now that's destroying humanity. We're growing too fucking soft, and end up destroying nature, ruining the planet and each other with our lack of curiosity, nobility and purpose. There is everything wrong with mediocrity. In my eyes, anyone who isn't trying to come out of this is fucking pathetic. Anyone who sits, resonates with negative behavior, leeches of other people for their positive emotions and has no altruistic goals to help the human rest is quite frankly, pathetic.

Honestly, in her I see a shadow of my former self, and it scares me that she might bring that negativity back out in me. Naturally I get on a let better with J than with her, and I feel guilty about that- that I don't want to talk about things which aren't benefiting me. It does terrify me that a person can be this negative. I really hate it. And I hate that I can't change her, I have no idea how to. I wish there was a subtle way I could help her. But she does not want to be helped. How do people like this exist? Maybe... I'm seeing this problem as one specific case of a much more general problem- the disease of mediocrity. And I detest myself because there's nothing I can do. I'm not classifying myself as the best person ever, but at least I'm trying, and I'm much better than her. She is producing strong emotional reactions inside me. I hate that she acts the way she does, infringing on mine and Js development. She just takes, takes, takes.

That's true- I can't know what's best. We are sharing a flat, yes. But I would like to help her, and pull her out of this negative rut. How can I help when any attempt to do so will be taken as an assault, due to her ego-identified mind? Perhaps this is a challenge to me too. It's effecting my nerves and interferring with my work.

I'm trying to develop a productive morning routine, but I'm not sure what works best! Here it is currently: -Wake up at 5am -Wash face/change -Quick phone call with accountability partner outside -Jump on mini trampoline (usually no more than 30 seconds) -Have a glass of filtered water -Put breakfast on the hob, cook (usually takes 30 minutes) -Visualization, reconditioning the mind (5 minutes) Now at this point, I would like to add a yoga routine. Possibly also meditation, although I do that in the evening. For those who do yoga, what do you find the optimum time to be, and what routines do you follow? I am a complete beginner at yoga, so not really sure how to do this. I've gotten into the habit of hitting the gym after work, I seem to like this best. Anything you guys would add/take-out/edit to this routine? Bear in mind that I'm only 20- still trying a lot of things out to see what works best.

Update: Thanks so much for the advice Falk, Elevate, JustinS and ashleigh. I got the cold for a few days there so I haven't been doing my ritual to get extra sleep. Do you guys think this is wise for a quicker recovery, or should I do it anyway... I think I already know the answer to this I start work 8, rising up at 5 to do my own stuff. Specifically, I'm going to implement yoga, meditation and cold showers starting tomorrow- I'll let you guys know my progress in a few days!

I'm curious. What systems do you guys have for directing and improving the growth of your vocabulary. I'm thinking of simply reading a dictionary in order, learning 10 new words a day. At the start of the day, and keep referring back to them, perhaps making an effort to use them in your daily life. What do you guys do?

After a weekend or hard partying or little sleep, on Monday morning work can be pretty tough as you feel your body is simply just tired. How do we repair this- I want to make it clear I'm not looking for quick fixes like stimulants or energy drinks, as that doesn't exactly solve the problem. What is actually going on, and concisely what can I give my body to help it naturally recover itself? A cup of coffee, good carbohydrate rich meals... what vitamins/mineral supplements should I take, if any- basically how can you aid your body to compensate for the poor eating/lack of sleep that you may have experienced for 1-2 days?

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that. If someone stabs you in the chest, you can either focus on avoiding such instances in the future, or you can focus on the mechanics of repairing in the now. In reality, both are needed... and it is mainly a spectrum rather than one of the other really. Anyway, you seem to be focusing on the former a little much. Perhaps you thought the antithesis of me, again I'm sure the reality is different, but I have not gained any useful information by the general way you have answered my question!