Marcel

Empathetic communication. I work as a paramedic. On Saturday we had an emergency that involved over 20 people. Won’t go into the details because it’s not relevant to the point I’m trying to make. We had all the people who were affected in one place. A family member of some of them suggested they take them with so they are out of the environment and can calm down a bit, especially the children were stressed out. I was about say. „Yes, understandable, let me check in with my colleagues and my boss and see if we can make that happen or how I can assist you and your family otherwise“ But before I can say anything my colleague almost screams NO! In a manner that sounded half pissed off and half annoyed. I stood there a bit puzzled for a couple of seconds, because these people genuinely just went through something you could easily call devastating and THAT‘S the way my colleague reacted. Sure. I was aware that we probably couldn’t fulfil that request, considering that we needed to still watch over them medically, because of what had happened, but just saying no without an explanation is rude. I asked my colleague to not interrupt me next time and explained to him that just saying NO! May be „efficient“ because you don’t need to explain yourself, but can be quite out of place in this situation, also considering the tone of voice he had. He won’t listen to me anyway, at least I don’t think so, but it needed to be said. Still shaking my head a bit just thinking about it. His actions don’t sit right with me. This type of communication bothers me. It’s definitely an approach, but absolutely the wrong one in my understanding and philosophy, given the parameters of the situation.

Nature never takes something away without giving something of equivalent or greater value back. I can’t remember where I heard that, but the last couple of weeks and months have proven it correct in my direct experience. I struggled endlessly for more then a decade. Mental health issues way beyond my control. Failed suicide attempts, the list is long. But despite all of that. I am perfectly happy nowadays and even catch myself being grateful for the past. Never thought I could genuinely say that. Seems fitting I work as a paramedic nowadays lmao

Manifesting is truly a miraculous process. 3 Months ago I sat down and wrote down all the qualities I would want in my future wife. I went into a lot of detail. Then set what I wrote aside and lived my life as if I already had a wife and tada it happened. Obviously not just by me sitting around. I put in the effort to get in my best shape yet. Studied more then ever. Became more skilled at my job. Even found good friends along the way. Everything lined up perfectly just to eventually conclude in achieving my aim in the most unexpected of ways. It’s mind blowing. My intuition guides me perfectly along the invisible but inevitable path to fulfil my every desire. Or in other words. I developed faith.

Updated my profile picture. I still find it endlessly hilarious that the forum thinks I’m not a real person. It’s the funniest shit. Some people genuinely waste their time thinking about it or pester my wife with stupid texts about it, which by the way have zero impact on anything. It’s just funny. Immaturity truly is incredible entertainment. Nothing beats the behaviour of people online. Anonymity really is a drug that some people just can’t handle responsibly. I truly wonder if someday everything you post online will be tied to your identity and is even publicly available. Terrifying, but also, in some cases, unbelievable funny and the potential for hilarity is never ending. I swear I would looooooove to see what internet trolls are actually like in real regular daily life, just for a day. Would be an interesting excursion. I have my sneaking suspicions about the result, but maybe I can be surprised. 😂

Just had this thought at 4 am in the morning. Through all the pain and desperation I have felt in my life there were 3 possible paths I could have taken. Obviously I now say that from a birds view having left my most of my troubles behind. 1. Commit Suicide 2. Become a Monster 3. Become Conscious. I put becoming conscious on position 3 on purpose. Because that’s, funny enough, what I have been doing unconsciously for the last 5 years without ever realising or articulating it like that. 12 years of my life was spent emotionally void and suicidal. But now I feel on top of the world. Out of anyone I am the last person who would have expected that outcome. Man. This life will take me places.

I have come to realise that I absolutely love immaturity and clown like behaviour. It’s genuinely entertaining to me. I can’t wait for the first troll to stumble into my journal just for me to masterfully put him in my ignore list and having a good laugh. How Times change. I remember just a couple of years ago I encountered my first troll in the wild lands of the internets comment sections and got so mad lmao 😂 Now situations like that are solved with a laugh and a click of a button. Improvement really is a blessing. I remain unbothered and focused on the progress intend to make. Never thought I would be at that point. What blows my mind even more is, just where this self-improvement journey might go. The Possibilities are endless.

There is a strange beauty in feeling lost. If you don’t know where to go all doors are open to you. Randomly knocking on them isn’t the most fun activity at times, but here and there serendipitous events can truly be the key to unlocking an insight that gives a floor plan or at least a direction in this house of cards of a world. I had a vision that this is my last lifetime on earth, which makes everything all the more interesting. In fact, a lot of strange things have been told me in dreams. From me apparently dying in the year 2150, which means I would then be 151 years old to being the incarnation of archangel Gabriel. I truly don’t know what to make of this, if it means anything at all.

Dear Suicide You have been a worthy opponent. You challenged me ferociously for 13 years straight and your effort was truly remarkable. You truly brought out the big guns. You truly were on your A Game and despite all of the above I consider this competition over. You lost. Your reign of terror is over once and for all. I declare myself the unanimous winner. You almost had me multiple times and caught me off guard at every turn, but nonetheless I prevail valiantly and remain steadfast. Funny how, after such a long time, the tides in this seemingly endless losing battle have turned. Am I now unbreakable? Humbly: Hell no. I am absolutely hurt and my emotions run wild nearly all of the time. All I want is a bit peace of mind. All I want is a bit of balance. All I want is a bit of freedom. All I want is a bit of room to breath. No more sentimental pendulum that has forever and uncontrollably swung between ecstasy and desperation. I truly wonder where this lonely road will take me and wether me being in the driver seat again will even matter. My Insanity will forever be my base of operations and possibly my most loyal companion, ain’t that right? So? Should I set the world on fire and watch it glisten in the dark or relish in the privilege of being a passionate participant in the face of this unfolding universe. Destroyer or Creator, which will it be?

For most of my life I have felt desperate and deserted. Even worse. I felt the exact same way around people. I truly am the odd one out. It used to make me feel insecure and bother me bitterly but nowadays it is the biggest advantage I could possibly have. Just tell people you are insane and they will almost automatically just nod their head and go „yeah, checks out“. For the longest time I believed that in order for me to feel secure and confident I needed to be impressive. I became impressive and still felt the exact same way. No Facade, no matter how shiny, is worth it, because there is no substance behind it. It’s empty. It’s soulless. It’s artificial. It’s fake. I never thought I would find peace. I never thought I could slowly love myself again. I never thought I could conceive of a purpose for my life. I never thought I would eventually feel comfortable in my own skin. I never thought I could accept my body the way it is and see the inherent perfection within it.