Marcel

Beautiful 😍

Today I realised that I have more work to do. There are still situations that can make me furiously angry. I’m not saying anger is wrong or that I shouldn’t have the right to feel angry, especially when loved ones get hurt. But. I want to stay in control emotionally no matter what happens or what I am being told. Composure. I’m not trying to become an emotionless robot. I want to be able to feel and transmute any emotion at will. Especially anger, because it’s so potent. Anger is a powerful fuel and I will use it effectively to create the kind of situation I envision. I sometimes forgot how awful some people can act. I often make the mistake of thinking that just because I wouldn’t do something someone else wouldn’t as well, yet there’s always the possibility of evil beyond my comprehension or expectations. I need to broaden my scope in both directions of human activity. Increase my potentiality for good and evil. I have to be able to imagine more then the worst monsters to stay one step ahead of them. I have to be able to imagine more then most graceful angels to do even more good. All sides of human potential contain wisdom and I am more then willing to learn and pick the gold from every perspective that offers itself to me.

Fair enough. Seems accurate. Beyond the words I read I always do my best to pick up the feelings behind them and that’s about what it amounts to more or less.

The obsession some people on this forum have with my wife is fascinating. Some very curious creatures ( well, apparently one less now lmfao ) frequent this website at times. It continues to amaze me. Im grateful for every person that behaves in an odd or even unhinged way ( online ) so I can observe their mind functioning from a distance and being in awe of its protocol. Its just so fascinating. The way some people „reason“ , assume, project and the come to the wildest conclusions, while being utterly self-biased and endlessly stuck in one behaviour and communication style or the other, without ever improving. It genuinely intrigues me to understand how they came to be that way, what their daily life looks like, their general level of peace and happiness. Their family structure, education, current and past environment, friends, activities they pursue, life purpose etc. To me both complete idiots and enlightened masters are interesting. There’s a lot to be learned on both sides of human potential.

Nothing came to mind today. Feels like writers block on steroids. Wonder why I tend to go completely blank when trying to journal recently

It’s somewhat cold outside. 4 degrees Celsius. I love being in the cold ( for a bit ) and then returning back to the warmth.

Me too hun. You know my policy when it comes to interacting with clowns. *Straight to the dark dungeon that is my ignore list, with no chance of parole

I find the newest conspiracy theory of some people, who genuinely seem to believe that my wife is a guy, incredibly hilarious. 🤣 Every time I think some people on this forum couldn't possibly become any more stupid, they still somehow magically manage to exceed my already sky high expectations. Incredible.

My mind tends to go blank when I try to journal. It feels somewhat like writers block. I‘ve deliberately tried to be in the present moment as much as I can in the last couple of days and quickly realised that i can barely do so. My mind wanders off quite quickly and goes into avoidance and distractions. It’s quite painful to just be present at times.

Yeah. The emotional work is a lot right now. Going for a walk and fresh air really is very useful, movement in general is fantastic.

Always remember. You only see the sunny side of most peoples live on social media. Cherry picked snapshots. Their lives are very probably not just perfect and happy. You have never seen the their dark side.

I had the worst nightmare of my entire life tonight and somehow I’m happy about it to be honest. In a way it forced me to face my worst fears, insecurities and inadequacies. My nightmares are very vivid. So I woke up paralysed with fear, weak, speechless and terrified. But after 2 hours have passed now and talking to my wonderful wife. I’m starting to feel very positive about this experience. These were my worst fears and well their impact has already passed, voluntarily at that. So, this realisation is slowly giving me a completely rekindled spirit after feeling quite broken for a good hour after waking up.

Today i realised that my self talk is so brutally negative and destructive. It’s really in the need of an overhaul. I beat myself up for making mistakes quite harshly, even for potential mistakes I didn’t even make at times, just because I did it inefficiently. And the classic beating yourself up because you are beating yourself up. It’s such a toxic whirlwind at times.

Feel very demotivated and low energy today. In the last couple of weeks I barely have a sense of hunger or feeling full. Either I don’t eat anything at all or too much, the latter I only start feeling the next day. Its been quite a battle with my Psyche the last 7 days. I’m making progress at least. Breaking free from my home situation is a whole lot more difficult then I thought. It keeps sucking me back in and when I’m not there for an extended period of time I get a mental breakdown. Slow and steady wins the race. I’m so looking forward to consistently being able to be away from home without it impacting me in this manner.

Keeping up the daily journaling. I feel demotivated which is quite unlike me. I feel quite lost in this particular phase of my life. I’ve cared for everyone else in my family and keeping everything together, neglecting my own life in the process. So. Now that my life actually starts to revolve around me. I continuously realise that I basically don’t know myself. What do I like? What do I want to do? Where do I want to travel too? What type of activities do I enjoy? What is my life purpose? And on And on my head is exploding with questions about myself, that have been unanswered and swept under the rug for a very long time. For the longest time I literally felt guilty even thinking about myself. It’s as if a developed a „self“ shadow lol Very liberating and Very uncomfortable process to go through. Living my own life. I barely know what to do on most days.

Im just absolutely astounded right now

Im having the strangest experience right now. I feel madly in love and also deeply suicidal at the same time. Not suicidal in a dark, but somehow in a beautiful way.I don’t really know how to word it. It’s euphoric. Ive never in my life felt like this before. I have nothing to compare it to. All words lose their meaning in the face of this grandios experience, which, despite the severe mental pain I’m experiencing, is amazing. Nothing I’ve ever experienced or read about is similar to this sensation. Incredible

Well that’s the thing. To me it feels like I have a million different thoughts at once. Mental woolball 🧶

Daily journaling will be part of my new routine. I have a lot of difficulty organising and expressing my thoughts lately. Even now it’s as if there is a haze over everything. It’s quite unusual for me to feel so speechless and lost in thought. I initially stared journaling again a few days ago to get over my perfectionism and not be so damn stuck in my head endlessly formulating and reformulating everything. I do it even when I’m speaking sometimes. I’m in the middle of a sentence, a better way to express myself / to make my point clearer comes to mind and while talking I unconsciously try to switch to the „better“ version, which leads to a grammatical war zone and me stumbling over my words lol Usually I can compensate for that with a bit of humour and lightheartedness in the moment, but I genuinely do not like when it happens. I want to be clear and concise. Getting to the point without unnecessary word salads, consciously choosing the shortest way to a destination, instead of going on verbal rollercoasters, that have some interesting twists and turns, but ultimately end exactly where they started, having practically gone nowhere and having bored every passenger.

I Wonder why my nightmares tend to be so violent. I often get murdered in them. Its not exactly pleasant to wake up after a dream like this, because they are so vivid and real I only realise I was dreaming after I wake up. My wife has such cute nightmares, somehow they always involve cats lol Well often. Not always, but still hehe

*Does my best to untangle my metaphorical emotional wool ball. I feel quite all over the place at the moment after my mental breakdown yesterday evening plus the subsequent nightmares last night. Upset, stressed, scared, angry and a bit hopeful. I’m glad when stuff comes up and I can process it, even though it is overwhelming. It often feels like pressure in my head.

Yeah. It’s just that I’m emotionally all over the place. To use the same example I used a couple of weeks ago, it’s like a cat playing with a wool ball and trying to put it into writing just makes my mind go blank at the moment.

Im always putting off journaling thinking I need to formulate some perfect post every time. Not literally everything I write has to revolve around groundbreaking insights. It’s exhausting being in a constant state of contemplation and integration. I need to allow myself more fun or to just do nothing and relax at times. I genuinely have a hard time relaxing and taking breaks. I never feel like I do enough. I take everything so seriously. *Note to self: Relax, chill, take it easy

I love you 🥰 Always and Forever hun My wonderful wife ❤️

Did a bit of housekeeping on my account today and deleted old posts I was not satisfied with. Really only the kept the ones in my own or my wife’s journal or interactions between me and my wife. This forum has served me well in the past, nowadays I basically don’t use it anymore. This reminds of how Leo somewhere said that „Actualized.org is designed so you can stop using it one day“. I’m paraphrasing. That seems to indeed be the case, at least for me.