Marcel

Feel very demotivated and low energy today. In the last couple of weeks I barely have a sense of hunger or feeling full. Either I don’t eat anything at all or too much, the latter I only start feeling the next day. Its been quite a battle with my Psyche the last 7 days. I’m making progress at least. Breaking free from my home situation is a whole lot more difficult then I thought. It keeps sucking me back in and when I’m not there for an extended period of time I get a mental breakdown. Slow and steady wins the race. I’m so looking forward to consistently being able to be away from home without it impacting me in this manner.

Keeping up the daily journaling. I feel demotivated which is quite unlike me. I feel quite lost in this particular phase of my life. I’ve cared for everyone else in my family and keeping everything together, neglecting my own life in the process. So. Now that my life actually starts to revolve around me. I continuously realise that I basically don’t know myself. What do I like? What do I want to do? Where do I want to travel too? What type of activities do I enjoy? What is my life purpose? And on And on my head is exploding with questions about myself, that have been unanswered and swept under the rug for a very long time. For the longest time I literally felt guilty even thinking about myself. It’s as if a developed a „self“ shadow lol Very liberating and Very uncomfortable process to go through. Living my own life. I barely know what to do on most days.

Im just absolutely astounded right now

Im having the strangest experience right now. I feel madly in love and also deeply suicidal at the same time. Not suicidal in a dark, but somehow in a beautiful way.I don’t really know how to word it. It’s euphoric. Ive never in my life felt like this before. I have nothing to compare it to. All words lose their meaning in the face of this grandios experience, which, despite the severe mental pain I’m experiencing, is amazing. Nothing I’ve ever experienced or read about is similar to this sensation. Incredible

Well that’s the thing. To me it feels like I have a million different thoughts at once. Mental woolball 🧶

Daily journaling will be part of my new routine. I have a lot of difficulty organising and expressing my thoughts lately. Even now it’s as if there is a haze over everything. It’s quite unusual for me to feel so speechless and lost in thought. I initially stared journaling again a few days ago to get over my perfectionism and not be so damn stuck in my head endlessly formulating and reformulating everything. I do it even when I’m speaking sometimes. I’m in the middle of a sentence, a better way to express myself / to make my point clearer comes to mind and while talking I unconsciously try to switch to the „better“ version, which leads to a grammatical war zone and me stumbling over my words lol Usually I can compensate for that with a bit of humour and lightheartedness in the moment, but I genuinely do not like when it happens. I want to be clear and concise. Getting to the point without unnecessary word salads, consciously choosing the shortest way to a destination, instead of going on verbal rollercoasters, that have some interesting twists and turns, but ultimately end exactly where they started, having practically gone nowhere and having bored every passenger.

I Wonder why my nightmares tend to be so violent. I often get murdered in them. Its not exactly pleasant to wake up after a dream like this, because they are so vivid and real I only realise I was dreaming after I wake up. My wife has such cute nightmares, somehow they always involve cats lol Well often. Not always, but still hehe

*Does my best to untangle my metaphorical emotional wool ball. I feel quite all over the place at the moment after my mental breakdown yesterday evening plus the subsequent nightmares last night. Upset, stressed, scared, angry and a bit hopeful. I’m glad when stuff comes up and I can process it, even though it is overwhelming. It often feels like pressure in my head.

Yeah. It’s just that I’m emotionally all over the place. To use the same example I used a couple of weeks ago, it’s like a cat playing with a wool ball and trying to put it into writing just makes my mind go blank at the moment.

Im always putting off journaling thinking I need to formulate some perfect post every time. Not literally everything I write has to revolve around groundbreaking insights. It’s exhausting being in a constant state of contemplation and integration. I need to allow myself more fun or to just do nothing and relax at times. I genuinely have a hard time relaxing and taking breaks. I never feel like I do enough. I take everything so seriously. *Note to self: Relax, chill, take it easy

❤️ Lets hope it stays like that, you’ve really had enough nightmares recently hun

That’ll be interesting. You know Romp Romp

I don’t know why, but this sentence made me laugh the first time I read it hun hehe But. I know what you mean. I can feel it too

I love you 🥰 Always and Forever hun My wonderful wife ❤️

Did a bit of housekeeping on my account today and deleted old posts I was not satisfied with. Really only the kept the ones in my own or my wife’s journal or interactions between me and my wife. This forum has served me well in the past, nowadays I basically don’t use it anymore. This reminds of how Leo somewhere said that „Actualized.org is designed so you can stop using it one day“. I’m paraphrasing. That seems to indeed be the case, at least for me.

It’s okay hun. You can be so proud of yourself. You have and are improving so much. No need to be so hard on yourself ❤️

Went on a nice hike with my aunt and uncle today. 9,6 km. 4 hours walking time. I’ve never hiked before, so I absolutely underestimated it, because of the hundreds of meters of altitude that we traversed up and back down. All around a very nice experience. Probably gonna feel that and we‘ll hike some more tomorrow, so that’ll be fun. My legs, please have mercy on me lmao

*Notes that down. Good to know ❤️😅

@Buck Edwards Thats so you hun Adorable 🥰

@Buck Edwards Out of all the pictures you picked the one after having walked 5 km and a couple hundred meters of altitude upwards hehe

Got involved in a bit of a verbal scuffle today. I hate to say this, but calling out a jackass online and murdering him with words and arguments is kind of fun. Well. I started out well meaning, but he continuously called my wife „the girl who can’t protect herself from her abusers“ at some point so I shoot back a bit. But. That’s not a productive way of starting a Sunday morning. So. In the future our ignore lists are wide open with a minimum barrier of entry. If someone is just outright disrespectful. Straight to the Ranch! lol Ignore list. Because, as this discussion has shown us, as soon as disrespect enters the picture all sense making arguments go out the window.( From the disrespectful participant of the discussion) Not that the person in question made sense to begin with, but that’s besides the point. So. Next time, we won’t fuel the dumpster fire that this person was and just let him burn by himself. May he improve. I wish him the best.

❤️❤️❤️

Absolutely. I know I did / do. As an example. I used to have intense rage issues at some point and coincidentally learned about the transmutation of emotional states at that time. So rage turned into drive and growth. Im still not perfect dealing with rage and sometimes I still have outbursts, but generally speaking I can handle it very constructively.

A man should be a conscious monster. I often compare it to being a gentleman gangster. Obviously that’s exaggerated and it doesn’t fit entirely. What I mean is. Treating everybody with respect. Being serious. Talking the talk and walking the walk. Keeping your word. Having integrity. Having healthy boundaries. Being honest. Having the ability communicate ideas efficiently. Being a strong and effective leader. Developing mastery of body and mind, continuously putting in the work and striving for excellence in all of his affairs. I said „monster“. Because a really good man, is a dangerous man. But as I said. ( Ideally ) A conscious monster. Someone who is selfless and uplifts people and never hurts anyone in any way.

I had an intense exercise in the past. I would imagine myself being tortured and watch how my mind got terrified about damage done to the body. Until it fully realised it isn’t the body. Still haven’t perfectly integrated that insight, nor do I do the exercise anymore, because I’m not that as crazy as I used to be hehe