Jannes

I am doubting RV a lot right now. And it sabotages my practice. I wrote my trainer if he could provide evidence that RV works and that people pay for it and he hasnt answered yet. Well its sunday, but I feel a sense of unease as long as I dont have an answer.

Damn thats crazy. Would also be interested to see one of them in real life, its always different in person. Yeah body dismorphia is widespread and you also unlearn intuitive eating from all the regiment. There is really nothing healthy about it at the high level. And even if you want to archieve being as jacked as possible, thats such an immature goal, like fundamentally nothing is accomplished there I feel like. Although you can say that about most sports.

Mmmh you can do it in a healthy way which makes you age more gracefully. You need to really overtrain and take stupid shit to fuck your body up I feel like. I want to be that grandpa who can still squat, imagine the extra life quality. Whoa, you mind sharing some stories?

What I dont really want to admit to myself is that I am not really comfortable with my social circle at the clubs in my city. Simply because its a status mismatch. I am way more attractive then most of them. Well and connected to that a vibe mismatch. I was wondering why I couldnt get into it but when I am really honest with myself, I just dont think of them as longterm friends. So being around them doesnt open me up to growth. Its different to other friend groups and people. I would like to be friends with them but I dont think its fully possible. Generally people with matching looks vibe together. Its so ugly to swallow.

1 + 1 = 2 is groupthink. But thats not bad conformity. Bad conformity would be to buy into the math culture, to believe in rationalist superiority etc.

My dad lol

The message is mostly on point though, he directly tackles a huge spiritual fantasy. Leos teaching style also changed quite a bit, he didnt embrace the reality of what it means to be human in this world. So for the time this critique was even more on point.

What happened to Nilsi btw?

Its a neseccary building block. But if your a cop or trooper for example and your survival agenda is so deeply mixed with being this bulding block, I think unconformist thinking becomes very hard.

Spent time just by myself which was really needed. Finally did some things which were important to me. When I was going to bed I was catching the feeling I got when I was a bit uncomfortable about the cuddle, the whole emotional body. Is that the real me? How do I access this part of myself? How do I nurture it? What does that part of myself want? Is this the self I need to navigate while everything else is me trying to avoid reality? I didnt get any real answers though. I was dreaming about playing in a soccer team. I actually really like soccer, in school I was just always less competent as all the other kids who trained more. I had a moment when I talked with a classmate about wanting to join a team, maybe as a goalkeeper. So many emotions came up back then, not really about the sport, but about the perceived sense of connection, of being part of something. I missed so much of that all my life. I wonder how it can be so natural for people to feel a sense of connection, well many had all this going on. Its so easy to socialize, if I just knew that back in the day. Could have joined a youth club. Hell in high school people even asked me. I think it was just too much to handle for me or I felt unworthy. Forgive me and forgive myself

Its interesting, I wasnt ever that insecure about it before until recently when I read that penis size actually does play more of a role then I thought in bed and women like a penis a bit above average in one night stands. I am on the lower end of average so its not catastrophic. But this insecurity has somehow really settled in my mind like a virus. Some friends wanted to go to the sauna and I didnt go with them because I was afraid .. well at least I still shower in the shower in the gym. I had sexual success before, a f+ who really wanted me so that validation kept things in check I think but I wasnt that sexually the last year so doubts creep in. I am kind of ashamed that this insecurity even exists, I feel like I should be over this kind of shit but I am not. How to shake off the insecurity?

An old member of the old theatre club is posting some shorts. She became a christian preacher. She was one of the people I tried to built some contact with to ground myself but I guess I was so unstable it was too much. But it opens me emotionally to the dimension which could have been.

The path to learning RV seems to be to learn and become conscious of how the ego mind tries to take control of RV. I learned many tricks already. I had many initial first things which came to mind which I dont fall for anymore. I notice how when my mind graps something it likes to put an association to that in my mind and doesnt view anymore.

I would change the task bar for aesthetic reasons but other then that I dont even know what I miss.

You wondering what an original thought is

I like macOs. I am no computer geek and macOs is simple to use. I am also a sucker for aesthetics. So I am the perfect target group. Android on my Phone all the way though for the customizing options.

What is interesting is when I got to the social spot yesterday I sat next to a girl that recently entered the social circle. I wasnt super social and sad I was a bit in my past. The girl asked if I want to be integrated by her hug which I agreed to. So just a basic over the neck hug to the right and left of her (to a friend as well). That moment was interesting, in my mind I was super certain that I wanted the hug. Not sure what it is but I liked her. But when I got the hug it kind of felt like to much. A basic light over the shoulder guarded by a thick jacket hug felt like too much. No wonder all the hug games are also though on me. And opening up. And everything.. Important status report.

Socializing went great today. Spent some time on a puzzle and other spots so I talked to different people. Generally I feel different then from my usual socializing routine, much better actually.

I talked myself into so much guilt, I am kinda scared to go out now. It also overlaps with my Elvanse medication running out.

So that situation triggered this whole body of unprocessed emotions and I feel like I can now say, when it comes to it, sorry if that message made you uncomfortable, I was in a stupid mindspace.

The leader of my old theatre club likely didnt believe me afterwards anymore. When I told him about the situation with the girl and that the guy got a thumbs down because of me, well that didnt seem all that believable when I fail around her so miserably afterwards. So that kinda put a lock on him for talking. Generally I was super afraid of gaslighting, I would have lost my mind if people would say they dont believe me. Well kinda, when I finally spoke my mind I felt a huge relief. Well also fear. Well that he didnt respond was actually what made me feel good about it so in that sense resonance, even if indirectly, was cruical.

Okay so I am not gonna stop half way, I am getting it all out. So the event which caused the leader of my old theatre club to take the 3 cases seriously and confront me was another case. It needs some backstory though. I knew her through quite a few plays and she was openly very promiscuous, a third of her talking points was with which DJ she had sex the last time. I liked her though. Well and like with every person in the theatre club I accidently flirted with her as well. She had unmatched speed though, I just looked at her eyes shortly and boom she was there doing small talk. This was in the time when I was very emotionally unstable so I first couldnt make sex happen but secondly I was way too unstable to have sex with her. I would have been emotionally invested but would have said that I wouldnt want a relationship so she would have looked for someone else and I would have been broken. She really put some effort into it though, finding ways to built non molesting body contact, pulling every ounce of interest out of me. Insane body of club experience. She seemed quite hurt that I wasnt interested. In another play there was a moment where the leader of my old theatre club went to me and asked me why I am not looking for someone or something of that sort. I wanted to avoid it but he kind of pressed forward. I think other people saw it even as harassment on his end, maybe wanting to work on his own agenda. It wasnt cool but also not a super huge deal I felt like. Anyway I said that I generally fall for people emotionally very quickly so that kind of scares me and yes that I would be interested in people in the theatre club. After I finished that sentence the girl gave a member of my theatre club who was interested in her a thumbs down and went outside. When I played with that guy in scenes he needed to play a weak mentally ill person who needed care. And he didnt like to play the role. It lead to drama, he got confronted for not preparing well enough with tears involved and everything. So I spoke with the leader of the club about it, that I feel like its because of the scene with her I witnessed, that he doesnt want to get into the role of a weakling now. I didnt consider her that much. It was brutal from her but at least honest. Better then keeping him as a second option around. The leader of my club seemed to have talked to both of them though. When I saw her outside the theatre she seemed giga hurt about to turn green and he seemed like I was the only one getting him even though he didnt say that he had a talk. Then the production of the play was a complete nightmare. I started working in school in this time and got completly and utterly destroyed by the whole class, then came to the theatre club and also got completly destroyed and yelled at for night preparing enough. Then got a little bit of sleep until it all repeated itself. And at one point I couldnt take it anymore, I was about to take his glass from the desk, throw it against the wall, scream at him and leave the club never to be seen again. That was my energy. So I looked for ways to distract myself somehow. Then in this moment the girl openly shared with a few girls that she just had a green point or a mark above her breasts. I knew that I would relax by getting into a mindstate and getting loose would work out. She was super direct and played games with other guys constantly, acting like you peg each other with different objects and stuff. And as everyone else was invited to see it I asked if I could see it also. She didnt say a thing so I asked again. She left shortly after. I asked a third time and she said in her usual confident way No and I felt it. I was obviously molesting in that case, even though I was in a bad state, basically super drunk from sleep deprivationa and unstable. I also defended myself in saying that she conditioned me quite a lot. When I did want to get near her but just sat there without game she was like "shoot me" or when she banged another guy from the theatre club she was like "I dont really like clean guys". What I also didnt keep in mind was how she felt about me as well. That green point or stretch mark was maybe something she felt insecure about, so me talking about it might have felt like I was making fun of her. And generally it might have been overwhelming for her. Well it was a mistake on my end. Good to get it out.

Great zoom meeting actually.

Will add something shortly but got a zoom meeting coming up. Damnit what a state change.