Jannes

Stimulating

I remember back then I saw this movie with a friend. Two things I always loved about circuses, well three things: One the show itself. Bringing people into awe seems like a very noble thing. Second the picture-esk train rides in Disney movie. When the train drives through a beautiful landscape in the evening. You climp on the train and can see the stars ... And third being kind of a weird and in some aspects overpowered person. Most of it is simply adhd I think. The first thing for sure, the second thing also as I constantly look for a place which is both peaceful but also stimulating so I can process my emotions. And the third as well, the search for finding people where I can really express myself. ... Interestingly I kind of forgot my high energy aspect of myself. Well I am expressing it to a certain degree, kinda contained, at my social spot. But high energy/ adhd people around me could get me to new heights.

On my hostel trip in Berlin again. A bunch of pretty intense memories came up just being in this mindstate. And I also thought about two girls I am both good with at my social spot atm. I fantasized that we could maybe have a relationship all together and the faces other people would make if I told them that. And I actually developed feelings. And that made some things pretty clear, for one a relationship partner is definitely status signaling for me. And second I just think that I havent found my match yet. I didnt take all the opportunities I have got for development bc of integrity so there is still a lot of insecurity I have got but below it all I think I am hot shit and I deserve nothing else then hot shit. Thats where I can find my romantic feelings.

This dude is like: "You are a piece of shit 🙂" Yeah I was on something like this once to try it out in a nightclub. Absolute cheatcode ... Not sure if he is on anything, but his confidence is pretty insane.

Reminds me of this. Maybe spiritual places/ temples are important. But what should they even look like. Humanity can built lots of physically impressive buildings, but I dont think we have much ideas on building a spiritual temple.

What a beautiful spiritual city. I dont think there is something quite like it in the west. It actually just looks like a psychedelic trip. I wonder what its like being there. .. To make a decision on war is kind of on the one hand perverted and on the other hand deep/ good. You should make decisions from a spiritual sort of place but usually you dont get the idea of violence from that which seems to suggest that it is more of a fassade, a sort of self brainwashing that the decision came from a spiritual place when it actually didnt.

God I am fried. I did exactly that, go very early so that I could ease into it but I stayed till the very end. 7 hours of nonstop socializing.

Aaaaah I dont know what to do. I am split between two paths 1) Go to Berlin now 2) Go to my social spot today Well 2) is my choice but then I dont know how to start this evening. I dont want it to be like the other times when I am overwhelmed by all the people there, I want a smooth start like yesterday. But I dont know anybody really to do something like play some billiard asap right now. But then what do I do!?!? Well I can just go NOW, there wont be anyone pretty much, so I can have a smooth start and increase step by step. Damn I really need to write to make a thought.

Basically all in their early twenties, with older women I cant tell as I have less experience with them.

I had so much charisma when I entered the room today, after I socialized 1 on 1 before. its incredible.

I am just filled with positive emotions. How could I forget that meeting people 1 on 1 is so important to my wellbeing .. Also it recontextualizes a few things, when I met my friend once and felt so good afterwards, it wasnt totally just because of him, it was just the 1 on 1 situation itself. And today I was with a trans person and I enjoyed that. So I guess my transphobia is somewhat in check.

Oh okay -- all good.

NO, I dont subscripe to any toxic manosphere. Its my own experience only. But I like to hear that from other peoples perspective this sounds unusual, which makes me think that my perspective is partially limited.

Men I had a great evening today. Finally it was pretty fun again. I completly forgot that it was a blast sometimes, it felt so challening the last couple times. I went with a friend to another spot before with a few strangers and I feel like that really warmed me up. All of my problems of how to greet people were gone like that. Holy moly. And it seems like I got some kind of love letter. Hard to tell, in my storage room I saw a piece of paper. I didnt see it falling out of my Jeans but there is no way someone got in there without a key so I guess I didnt notice how it fell out of my pocket. It just says "... Weil DU ❣️da bist! with a flower on the side.

I am hearing that it is all biological

What I dont like about this video is the focus on biology. Its important yes, but it also gives explanation for why women would happily go for casual sex now. "Just sleep with Chad and get child support and get an ugly Cuck bf and you maximized your genetics."

This is counterintuitive, when women say they want casual sex and men ask them for more then that is a much deeper bond then if they were forced to commit to a relationship if they wanted sex. So even if women want a relationship, for it to be healthy the attitude to get it might need to be more free.

Seems very solid so far but a bit old ?

Its been a long time. I was more cringe in my memory then I actually was. Ofc pretty misguided still.

Thats the thing, I was insane for not letting her cheat. I was basically accepting serious emotional pain, being alone without anyone holding me. Which I got. And I only made this decision because of some inner spiritual compass which guided me towards truth. Afterwards it became effortless, but building that muscle was insane. I have adhd, so much of it is genetic unfortunately.

Thats beautiful and poetic in a way. Can relate.

I was always a feminist in my bones, thought they were the more ethical gender. I was always more comfortable around women, when men played ego games, women had emotional depth and maturity. I vibed more with them. When I first made the experience that a women would cheat with me or replace their bf with me I thought it was a rare case. She must have been in a toxic relationship, at a bad place emotionally, something like this ... so I could maintain my positive view of women. But this positive view of women I tried to maintain got broken again and again and again as I made more experiences to the point that I cant even picture a women who wouldnt cheat or replace her bf when the opportunity is great enough. I know ONE girl with such a character and I would marry her if she was my type physically. For my mental health I am biased towards seeing women as pure angels lol. Not saying women just jump off the moment a better opportunity arises, but only because it takes a lot of time to built a relationship so the cost is too high oftentimes.

I opened up youtube a bit for entertainment and its starting to make a bad turn. I just cant controll myself in watching "good" content, I just start binging at some point and also dont consider doing anything else as long as I can distract myself. There are two components neccissary for healthy habits though, one the Youtube block as a push, but I also need a pull, some kind of motivation to do something else. Right now RV and studying feels like the right thing to experiment with, I am a bit disconnected from spiritual work and I socialize. It feels like something is missing though. I actually miss some kind of job honestly, something that gives me structure. A part time job would be nice. I kind of dont want to go back at working at the grocery store though, partially because I feel older now and already had the status of a teacher once. But the grocery store was nice. Well no it was shit, but I enjoyed my free time more because of it and also processed so many emotions doing monotone tasks.

Sounds good in theory, what are some actual recipes though? If you wanna get that protein you gotta consume a lot of it.

This guys thumbnails always remind me that things are so much cooler in fantasy then in practice. When he sits there in his made bed having this image in mind is so much nicer then his actual first person perspective of mud and darkness. Of course he could have made it a nicer home, there is lots of room for improvement but then the fantasy of that place rises with it. I feel like how it is in fantasy will always trump how it is in practice. ... Is being lost in video game fantasy the way to go ? 🤪