Jannes

@koops Could you summarize the key points please?

Because I value healing and mediating - being incompetent in it is an especially big hit to my sense of self worth because my authentic self is partly a mediator.

This is really interesting to look back at. I intuitively knew, yet didnt completly trust, that something was missing. My emotions were to fucked up to look at. I am still very much in the process of healing, its getting better though. But its obvious why I couldnt become aware of those emotionally driven values of mine. I value healing and mediating and interestingly that can be put into the larger context of spirituality because this requires a lack of bias to do properly. Also mediating cant be done from every state, the individuals need to open up into the spiritual domain. I had a strong cognitive bias because I had emotional blockades. I actually do value things like empathy and healing more, even though critical thinking probably remains one of my top values.

Notes: 1) AD(H)D sympoms are very individual, depending on my type of AD(H)D different jobs might work differently for me. 2) It suggests that AD(H)D acts like amplifier. If you are uninterested and also have AD(H)D you are super uninterested, if you are interested and also have AD(H)D you might develop hyperfocus. So its important to nail what interests me, which is what all my previous work is about - so good for me. Problem being is that I am not that emotionally healthy - but finding my career would create mental health.

This is for tomorrow:

Forgot good ol youtube exists for research. I completly blocked youtube from my laptop and it was hard at first but now I dont even want to go back, as it feels so unhealthy. But for some research its helpful occasionally so I unblock it: // Almost everything in this video already made perfect sense, there are few new insights - why is it so hard for me to find my path then!?

I really like good looking clothes. I have found two buttom up shirts which have such a selected design they make me believe god exist - they seem like pointers. That could be a whole style.

Being idealistic vs being realistic. The first is from Jungeon Psychology and in my interpretation this would be the best matches if people helped each other out as much as they could. The second is how things realistically turn out. Other introverted feeling people seem a bit uninteresting to me but maybe they are actually the right people for me. // It flipped. The first is supposed to be the second one.

Hahaha this resoncates a lot with me, I can relate to both. Actually its often times because I understand people so much that I tolerate a lot of bad behaviour until at some point it becomes way to much and one goes into whimsical state.

An open source dating platform would be worth fighting for.

A job which had some natural rest baked into it would be great.

Took I walk just now which helped a lot. My emotions control me I can choose to take a walk to balance my emotions everytime I need to.

Today I felt like dog shit. All this help helped me in a lot of ways but it also made me aware of my current struggles. I wanted to write a though letter to an ex friend whom I have parted ways with in a painful way and I was waiting basically more then a year now for the moment where I get emotionally clear and strong enough to explain everything. While I was still somewhat sleeping in the morning I kind of had the lines in my head but when I woke up and wanted to write them down it became to much. I made some progress but didnt come where I wanted to. Also I still dont how what the f I want to make an income in this world and this became very obvious.

The help that I got shouldnt be understated, it makes me believe there is good in the world and brought me alive in significant ways.

I smiled at a seemingly becoming new friend yesterday. It was all authentic (at least I couldnt see where it wasnt authentic and I see a lot) but it felt mostly painful. What the hell. Maybe its because opening up at all brings up lots of damage to the conscious field.

A few days ago was a trip. I became so comfortable alone I didnt want to go out like I did regularely at thursdays. I was in my own space, unbothered and sensitive but also more like myself and refreshed. I felt all the human inauthenticity so strongly. I forced myself to go out like I usually do at thursdays. Met a friend from university randomly. We worked together a couple of times so he kind of got a sense of who I was ... I think he read my body language, my sense of self worth pretty well. I didnt really expect it but seemingly out of a random impulse of kindness he was emotionally extremely generous to me and supported me throughout the whole evening. I reached some peak insights about myself: Talking with others when there are problems is extremely important for me. There were a few events in my life where this communication didnt work out because I was emotionally (trauma) triggered and lost it and this caused a deep sene of disconnection, of feeling like I fit in and am okay. I also wondered if my flirtly side had left me for good. It didnt, as soon as I feel more okay with myself this part of myself becomes alive. I feel like I am in a bad situation with my friend. Like I cant pay him back. And honestly I dont even know if I would want him as a friend really. He felt that I was lost and supported me. I think he knows about these mechanics as well though. Do people treat each other this casually? I feel so alien. I have had plenty of opportunities with girls where I withhold because it didnt feel authentic and in the end I gave way more then what other people gave.

On the other hand, maybe you only start searching when you lost it. Remind me of this as an analogy: “But I’ll tell you what hermits realize. If you go off into a far, far forest and get very quiet, you’ll come to understand that you’re connected with everything.” — Alan Watts

Destroying pointers to god I just contemplated environementalism a bit and suddenly had a profound insight. By polluting and destroying the environement we loose very important pointers to god! Of course, God is everywhere - but there are certain things, like stars in the night sky, a beautiful sunset, or an exotic animal, that especially evoke a sense of God for the human mind. But when the sky is clouded with smog, when animals go extinct, and when we destroy the natural beauty of the world, we lose these pointers. And when we lose them, people may feel less connected to God - and as a result, might even act more godlessly. It’s like we’re creating a bubble that separates us more and more from god. And the more ungodly this bubble becomes, the more intelligence and inner clarity it takes to still see God through all the mess. And that’s just the environmental part. It makes me wonder what other areas of life have been corrupted or distorted in a way that also cuts us off from God.

Could you take his DNA and clone him?

What would be absolutely game changing for open source AI robotics would be a "central nervous system" like AI. The central nervous system manifests in humans in all kinds of unconscious ways: When you gain weight or put on a backpack for example your central nervous system adjusts in real time, calculating new balance standards and creating new strategies to move optimally. If you loose one of your legs and use a stick for balance your whole body learns to use new strategies. You can get your tongue can in half and then move each part seperately! Well AI is way more adjustable then a human body of course. You can change legs, arms, make it a spider, make it a drone, make it a dog. What would be cool especially for private people who want to built their own robots if you could have this central nervous system AI which will adjust in real time to the new body that it has gotten. If you got a very powerful central nervous system AI you could make almost anything work. Just put the central nervous system AI in the center and slap some machinery on it and the central nervous system will carry. That would be a strong answer to industrial designed robots. There are already a few projects working on this. ...

The future is very unclear. We could potentially have an AI utopia where AI does most of the work and we all have nice living standards. But that is nothing that big companies will give away for free. It has to be fought for in some way. I feel like to get somewhat of a sense of how things will turn out it is important to get a perspective of how powerful the players aka big companies vs average citizen are because unchecked power gets abused. So its about comparing your chatgpt and Tesla bot with Open Source AI and bots. This robot can be mostly 3d printed and costs about 5k to make: // What I find interesting is that the humanoid robots are very cool and a strong representation of power but in reality they arent really needed. For most simple repedetive tasts simple robots are actually better because they are cheaper. Deep Seek from china is fully open source and seems to be the strongest open source language model there is so far:

I signed up to a remote viewing course introduction a few years ago once and had a multi hour chat with a person. It sounded a bit like a fantasy. Cant tell if it was fake or not from that but I am leaning more in the direction of fantasy.

Maybe reality is harder then it seems because you havent exposed yourself to it enough. When I had my first job earning a bit of money on the side I felt pretty euphoric "I can do this, I can take care of myself on my own!"

Today at the self help group I met the dude I had somewhat of a connection with but which ended a little weird. Well the weirdness of last time had subsided mostly. And when he talked about issues today I resonated so deeply with them. He has borderline, adhd is hyperintelligent and lives mostly in his head and has learned a little to accept some of his emotions but they are mostly way too strong which is why he surpressed most of them. For example he talks about not being able to get some peace and reading a book because this low pressure environement forces emotions out which are too strong too handle. Exactly my problem. As soon as I try to study or do anything a lot of strong negative emotions come up which I cant take. A girl talked about Complex post-traumatic stress disorder in some context. This is basically when its not a single event which caused the regular symptoms of PTSD but many different ones and which often were chronical. Well when you experienced bad things and didnt find ways to deal with them you will be a little fucked up. I dont know if I have Complex post-traumatic stress disorder but I am sure that just all of the negative social experiences I collected in my life are hurting me now. However what I also experienced is that when I expose myself and even if its not perfect at all I usually get better. I experienced so much stage red agression towards me, when I place myself in a stage green environement, even if people arent perfect or hypocritical they are adults which are much more evolved. Even in school I was just unlucky to be forced into the stage red circle but there were already stage green people (girls) helping me out a lot. People arent perfect but its very unlikely that in stage green environements I will face the same sort of shit again. I can be a little bolder!