Jannes

So I tidied up my room yesterday and found some interesting powders that my old self bought like 2-3 years ago. Mimosa hostilis powders and Banisteriopsis Caapi and also wound gasoline. For a quick sidestory: I think I wanted to do dmt back then because I was basically really despondent and deep into Nihilism and was seeking a non-dual awakening because I was trapped in dualistic ups and downs and intuited that there had to be something outside of that. Like love and hate cancel each other out but there might be something like love for the whole thing or something like that. That’s how I thought about it back then although I never heard about non duality and never went deep into spirituality or actualized.org so I wanted to discover this further with dmt. Glad I found this Sometimes later in Amsterdam I ate some edibles where I had the feeling that two energies of neon blue and neon purple, one is happiness and one is pain created all the feelings. Sometimes they have the form of fine particles and sometimes they have more of an actual form. But they are never alone and always balance each other out. It felt like every emotion just had a focus on more of the one side but seeing it completely it was always balanced out. It was pretty challenging and it neither felt good or bad in particular. But it definitely humbled me because I heard that weed is like 1/10 of mushrooms power which is like 1/10 of dmt power and I knew shit could go REALLY BAD on a bad trip after that because I felt the power. And I knew I wasn’t ready for something that powerful and I should do mushrooms or lsd before that. But now I learned and grew a lot and want to do dmt. -> I found an online guide on how to extract the dmt out of the Misoma hostilis powder. It’s basically about decomposing the cell walls of the Misoma plant and then filtering the dmt out with wound gasoline. It says that I can make up to 1.3g of dmt with 100g of Misoma hostilis powder. Has anyone experience with this ? Is it easy ? Is the dmt any good ? And do you think the powder is still good after about 2 years (was always in the dark but not always in cool temperature) ?

@Human Mint Thanks! I will look into that website. I hope I get enough out of it for some trips.

@Cireeric yeah that’s my thought process as well. Maybe there are post offices near the boarder where you can ship it to. I did it sometimes in Germany where I shipped it to a “nearby independent post office dude“ idk how that’s called ? and I just collected it when I had time. But I think it would work with an “official post office“ as well. But honestly I have no experience whatsoever in something like that so my biggest fear is that I f*ck something up ?

@Cireeric I live in Germany as well and tried ordering it. When I selected Germany the website didn’t allow me to proceed, saying that they don’t ship this substance to Germany because it is banned there. Maybe it’s the same thing with other websites. I think it’s the same with 5meo-dmt and dmt but I am not sure. I am also thinking really hard on how to get these substances. I think it’s legal in Amsterdam, so a short round trip could solve the problem if you have the balls to do it, I mean it’s pretty much just 1 tiny very inconspicuous gram :).

I did magic truffles today with a higher dose then usual. 12g Atlantis truffles dried. Even though I didn’t reach a breakthrough I was so high that I pretty much lost my sanity and control over anything. Got very sweaty. When I was trying to drink water I spitted it out immediately because I lost some motor control. Moving my body was incredible difficult and took all of my strength even though I could only do it in snake speed. I moved and shaked like a madman and made quit screaming noises for hours. I was so gone that I can’t even clearly remember what I was going through but I definitely wouldn’t have looked out of order if you had put me into a cell in a madhouse. But even with all of that it wasn’t a bad trip. It was pretty challenging of course but I didn’t really feel bad. I was completely insane but I was okay with being insane and didn’t resist it. But my worry is that if I had a bad trip on this level of insanity I don’t know if I could have dealt with it because I pretty much lost control over everything. So my question is at what point do you think is the dose just to much? Do you only go so far that you always keep some level of self control or is it necessary to go into insanity to reach non dual states?

Yeah I think magic truffles are pretty similar to magic mushrooms. Magic truffles are very convenient for me because they are legal in my country, you can dose them really well and they last a good amount of time but also not too long. But yeah it’s probably a good idea for me to try out lsd or travel to another country to try out 5meo dmt or 5meo malt.

I just wanted to have fun with a few friends on the weekend with a bit of edible cake and Mario kart. We only put 0.7g of weed into the cake and I only ate around 1/4 of the cake. But this turned into the most insane trip I ever had. So here is how it went: After like half an hour to an hour after consuming the cake I was the only one who felt any kind of effect from the weed. I felt a bit more lighthearted, the top of my head got stimulated and I thought about things a little different. We got hungry and ate some pasta. When I picked up two noodles with my fork and wanted to put them to my mouth I noticed a little shaking of the noodles that were on my fork. I was fascinated by that so I just watched the noodles shake from very close while I was assisting my left arm (I am left handed) with my right arm so I could hold the fork up more comfortable. I got more and more fascinated by how the tiny shakes in my arms got the noodle to shake and almost dance. I know I looked weird but I just didn’t give a damn. I just loved watching that noodle ? Anyway I was just staring at that noodle for like 5-10 minutes and I felt like it told me a great romantic story. All the little shakes felt so … idk beautiful, lovely, romantic … The intuition that all small details in reality have their own little romantic story behind it worked through me and after some time I just lost it. I breathed heavily, tightened my belly, had tears running through my face, I had difficulties talking and my blood pressure began to rise while I was opening up to a incredible source of love and romance. I can’t really recall how I felt at the time but I just know that it was the most incredible feeling I ever felt. Maybe half an hour after this experience something else build up inside me. I was rebuilding connections to the people close to me. With my eyes close I saw 3 golden lines of love to reconnect with my mom, dad and sister. And once these connections were rebuild they immediately grew further so that on each end 3 new connections were build. And from these new connections grew more connections and so in this way it grew exponentially. Like a digital x,y coordinative System where you can just infinitely zoom out from and make it bigger in this way. And after some time of this infinite love expansion that felt incredible the lines grew in a 3 dimensional way. So you could imagine a x,y,z coordinative System that grows exponentially. And after some time this x,y,z coordinative System changed Form to a golden sphere. This sphere turned around a center of some kind of nothingness. The golden sphere threw off parts of itself. Maybe like sand that that flies away from a playground carousel with high speed and the shape of that pieces looked like golden rose leaves. I got really interested in this nothingness so I focused on the core of that sphere where this nothingness was. I am not sure how the transition to my next experience went but I think it felt a bit like going through this black nothingness tunnel. And then I really noticed how everything that is happening is not created by me but by some loving force. And I became aware that I no longer moved my head. My head got moved by absolute spontaneity but more importantly not randomly but with perfect intelligence and with perfect romantic intention like a genius componist who has the center of my head on his stick and moves it in complete flow. It probably looked like I was twitching my head like a crazy person. I was then also moving my finger and it also got moved with the same perfect spontaneous romantic movement as my head. After some time I experienced one more interesting thing that’s worth sharing. I experienced in full force my desire to reconnect with the rest of reality. Like this last piece right in the middle of the puzzle that feels so good to put in. I felt how I was this piece disconnected but now pressed into the rest of the world. I noticed how in a reflex way I couldn’t stop but push myself away while in secret whole heartedly hoping that I would loose that fight and that my hands would just break so I would get smashed together with the rest of the world. Like a paintball that just explodes when it connects with the surface. I was high for like 13 hours and 9 of them very high. My friends brought me back to my apartment after like 6 hours. I just fell on my bed with my belly and my shoes on and stayed high. After 3 hours I had the power to remove my shoes and jacket but still just layed there awake till morning. I definitely need some time to process all of this…

So I just dated a girl on tinder. Our date was just a walk through our town. I didn’t vibe with her and don’t want her as my girlfriend. My tinder profile doesn’t state what I am looking for. My question is is it morally okay if I ask her if she wants a F+ buddy? Rational robotically speaking there isn’t anything wrong with asking that imo because how else could I find out if she is interested in that if I don’t ask? But I think in this request it seems that there is something implied that is really hurtful for women. Maybe they think that from the start I just saw her as a sex object or smth. idk I am not very experienced when it comes to relationships. So is it possible to ask for F+ in a way that doesn’t hurt more for the women then just saying I don’t want to date anymore? I am 22yo and my date 19yo. Maybe that matters. And my date only has a “;)“ in her tinder description.

But I don’t think it’s possible if you see someone as "100% sex object“ from the beginning there definitely has to be relationship potential from the start which is only not strong enough to lift off. And if through some change the parsonalities fit better together then I think the classification can change.

Yeah I only made that point because I am trying to figure out why F+ request is worse then a direct breakup. I just feel like you sort people unconsciously and it is very hard to change the place where you once sorted someone in. That’s why it’s so hard to get out of the friend zone. Based on how you vibe with people so personality, common interest, worldview and yeah just the general flow. Is it comfortable to sit in silence together. Yes I think so. A hot person can become beautiful and a beautiful person can become hot. That’s how I see it but maybe that changes when I have more experience.

I actually have F+ with that person that just who just texted me again. I really though that was it but after more then a week she just texted me if I want to come over and we had a good time. The vibes were never as good. And I made very clear that I don’t want a long term relationship before. So it can definitely work. It was just really painful to set up for her and also for me because I felt bad that I hurt her. I made a lot of mistakes though and it almost didn’t work. I wouldn’t repeat the process even if I knew I would succeed in the end. That’s why I wrote the thread because I wanted to know if you can set this up without one of the parties getting hurt. For example I asked her after a date and a whole weekend together if she wants F+ which of course hurt her because she felt like this is going somewhere else. But my thought was that maybe it’s okay if I asked a girl at the start of a relationship and if I framed it a certain way.

I think that hits a key point really well. When you think about it logically saying that you don’t want to date a girl any longer would be worse then saying that you only want her as for sex. Because at least you give her physical approval instead of none approval whatsoever. So what makes the second thing so much worse is a underlying psychological process. There are women where I simply wouldn’t get the idea of just asking them for sex because I see them as potential relationship partner although if they asked me if I just wanted casual sex then I would of course say yes. Once we classified people in our mind in a certain way then it probably gets difficult to change that picture of them. And the change of relationship partner to just fuck buddy is pretty drastic so it probably doesn’t happen. And so it’s very revealing for a women because only if the guy saw her from the beginning as a sex object could he have made the change in his mind. That’s how I see it. Would be interested what you think. She clearly likes me. Don’t know if she is into me. Wouldn’t ask for F+ in that case.

To my surprise I got another option right now so I won’t ask her for F+. I still don’t know what I would have done. And I would still like to know what the best thing to do would be. I think it’s funny how impossible this situation is to solve clearly. You can’t be honest because that would make the women feel slutty but you can’t pretend you would like to be in a relationship with her because that wouldn’t be honest and lead to a lot of hurt for the women down the line. Maybe it’s something that can only happen organically. For example if two people are dating, having sex and having a good time but after some time they realize they don’t feel love for each other but have good friend vibes then maybe F+ could work. But that’s only my guess I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to relationships. And then the question remains what to guys do who don’t won’t a relationship but still want their sex need met? Are they in a dilemma where they either suffer themself or hurt other people?

Also her Tinder description is just „;)“ What do you think of that? It could be a flirty sign, a let’s have fun sign or let’s bang sign ?

That’s a great point. Many girls use guys for emotional support but would never have sex with them. It’s the same thing basically. Guys feel abused and not manly after that.

Thanks for all the feedback so far it really helps. I know many women who had a phase in their life in their teens or early 20s who had a lot of casual sex without much emotions so it’s definitely a thing. I will make clear what I want. I will say something like „… At this moment in my life I don’t feel like having a relationship…“. So this way it doesn’t sound so personal. For me this feels like it’s the most right thing to do.

I had an awesome magic truffles trip a few days ago. I didn’t have any awakening but it was really fun. I felt as light as a Disney character and I also became aware of many of my egoistic ways I behaved in and I also sorted many of my priorities in life. Next days evening I felt incredible. I was completely sober but I was in such a state of peace and acceptance it was just incredible. Unfortunately I didn’t have any psychedelics stored left because I could have taken a mega dose of something without much of a chance of a bad trip. Two days later I still felt good but not as good. And now the third day later in the morning I feel pretty good. Not as good but still pretty good and because I feel that my ego tries to bring me back to my default state I want to write down how I feel about awakening right now so I can maybe get back to this state more easily. And I also just feel like sharing this. Most of my reasons why I want to awaken are probably trivial for you. There are even trivial for me but this is the first time I actually came up with these points on my own and I really believe them and don’t just accept them from someone else. I feel like one of the greatest joys in life is doing something for its own sake and for absolutely no reason at all. For example I love working out in the gym. My ego destroys the joy of the workout though. When I bench press it wants to compare the weight I lifted today with my best lift I had on that exercise. It wants to compare me with other people. And it always wants a plan. Just going to the gym and "hitting it“ doesn’t seem purposeful and planned enough. “I can’t just go to the gym and do 3 exercises that’s to little, or I can’t do 12 exercises that’s to much. And you should now why you are training and what you are training for.“ At the end of a recent workout I was just peacefully training abductor when my ego stepped in "Hey you know that your quads look like shit why don’t you put more emphasis on them“ and “Hey why do you train at all? Of course you should but also what is the point in it anyways this won’t make your life any more successful…“ -> I just don’t want my ego shit anymore. I just want to train with absolutely no goal and be happy. Of course this gym example is analogous to all other aspects of life. I sometimes play video games and what always ruins it for me is my ego. When I start to play a game again that I haven’t played for a long time I have pretty much no expectations on myself so everything feels great. But after a day or two I see that my skill comes back and I expect more of myself and all the fun is gone. Every time I die I get a bit angry or annoyed when before I just laughed. Yesterday I played 1v1 deathmatch to 20. I went up against a really good player and I lost with a score of 13 to 20 or something. I didn’t even win but just the fact that I was somewhat compedetive gave my ego a new identity. I was conscious of that and wanted to intervene but I couldn’t stop it. I almost wished that I lost against that player with a bigger score difference so I could have more fun after that but doing good is also what I strive for and is the fun of the game but once I archieve it it isn’t fun anymore because I feel like I am forced to maintain it so it’s really hard to have fun. -> I just want the pure experience and not an ego that fucks it up all the time For a short time I was in a state of love where I really just wanted to love everybody for exactly what they are and not what I wanted them to be. I thought about my mom with all her self-pity and I just wanted to love her tell her jokes and vibe with her without any motivation of changing her because that’s just where she is at the moment and that’s okay. I saw a group of teenage girls who seemed to be completely soaked into their group identity. And I just wanted to love these materialistic unconscious teenage girls exactly for what they are without any motivation to change them in any way because a saw how being undeveloped is exactly as beautiful as being very developed. And I saw my friends who are all very obviously not ready to awaken and I just wanted to love them for exactly where they are without any motivation to change them into more conscious people. I had all of this spiritual and philosophical ideas that I always felt like I needed to implant in them but it’s just so much more joyful to not try to change them in any way. I also just felt how good it must feel to just help others with no intention of a return. To just love other people so much that you are just motivated to waste your entire evening on helping them with something and feeling completely full of joy just from seeing them be happy. I saw that I feel very limited in doing that because of my ego. Because my ego has its own worries and own things that it wants to archieve and it prioritizes these things way beyond the well being of others. And it also judges and wants to change people in its own interest and of course in this way you don’t really help people you help people the most by just loving them. -> I just want to drop my ego so that I can love people for exactly who they are I also just see the pain of having to have an identity. Constantly trying to defend this identity. Constructing and deconstructing it but most of all just having it just feels like a sickness. "I just want to have a family or don’t have a family.“ „I just want to play video games or don’t play video games“, “I just want to have a simple job or don’t have a simple job“. "I just want to have a nice apartment or don’t want to have a nice apartment.“ -> I don’t want to care anymore. I just want to be fine with everything. The only really strong attachment I have left is sexual pleasure. It makes up around 10-15% of my thoughts so it’s not like it dominates my life and I could drop it if need be but I wouldn’t like to. I have a question left. There are many layers of awakening like ego transcendence, god realization, realization that you are god, infinite love, infinity, … So I am always confused to what people mean when they say awakening. I feel like ego transcendence is equal to awakening for many spiritual teacher but I think for Leo a fully awakened person also has to realize himself as god and so I am always a bit confused when somebody says that awakening takes x amount of time because I don’t know which layer of awakening they are talking about. Sometimes Leo says that having an awakening is relatively easy but what is really hard is to embody and accept these truths which I feel like is the easy part for me. On others occasions he is like “you probably need at least like 20 years of active self inquiry to have a shot at becoming awake. So I would stick to psychedelics“. So what does he mean or does he refer to different states of awakening?

10 grams of dried Atlantis Magic Truffles so around 15 grams fresh I would imagine. The insights came the next day when I was sober.

Okay thats great to hear! Getting a better idea on what it takes for low degree awakenings to high degree awakenings would be great. And also how a peak experience affects you permanently. For example many people report that they shortly transcended their ego but after a few hours or a day it came back. But for people who transcended it for more then a day or so they permanently transcended it. Is it the same for infinite love, god, … ? And if it isn’t locked in permanently how does it still affect you in your daily life? It would be really helpful if you could explain this in a video.

Yeah I get that but you still want your "I“ to be motivated to become awake although that is exactly what is killing it. When you are in the matrix and you want to get out you still have to play the rules of the matrix otherwise you can’t do anything. But yeah in self inquiry for example the thing that you explained becomes apparent. When I ask „Who am I“ I already imply that there is an I that is asking the question. So how do you ask the question without implying that “you“ are asking the question. Of course “you“ don’t ask the question but if you knew that then you would already be awake and you wouldn’t need to do self inquiry. If you still have your relative identity then there is simply no way of asking the question without implying that a somebody that you identify yourself with is asking the question. But I think paradoxically when you realize that you can’t identify yourself with the wrong me you can actually start to look because you aren’t distracted with these mind games anymore. At least that’s how it went for me. I don’t try to go infinitely more meta by always asking „… who is that?, is that?, is that?, is that?, … , who asked the question who am I?, who am I?“ So you just can’t escape the matrix. And then you just watch more.

Hej thanks, I probably just got close to liberation of the ego because there was definitely still an I that then identified as being a super peaceful Jesus like person reacting to others. You explained that the way the ego wants to come back well I think. There is this urgent feeling that the Identity and the filter have to come back. It feels threatening to the ego to not have a goal and to not judge certain things. The ego just wants to get back to work and goes protesting when it is denied that work. It really feels like the ego says „My work is unfinished, when I don’t get back to work there will be disasters consequences.“ And it does everything to stress you out so you buy into it again. It’s so ridiculous.

@Loba thanks for the advice ??

Hello Psychonauts, I have a reoccurring problem on my magic truffles trips. My thoughts are always really creative and figurative. I have phobia when it comes to spiders and snakes and because phobia is a possible reason for a bad trip I spent time watching some nature documentaries, bought a plastic figure of a spider and snake etc. to fight my phobia. I lost most of my phobia when it comes to snakes but pretty much none at all for spiders at this moment. Because of this reason I don’t do high doses of magic truffles at the moment even though I feel that I need them for a breakthrough. And on my latest trip something else happened. I imagined a lot of spiders which makes sense because I looked at a lot of spider pictures in the past days but I also got the tendency to want to imagine the most disgusting things I could possibly come up with. Here is the example. Please only read it if you can take some nasty stuff // So I saw a giant spider. Like on a microscope. I always wanted to know what happens if you squeeze a spider. In my trip I imagined it being like squeezing a pimple with the insides of a spider being like white pus but a lot thicker. (I know that makes no sense) And I imagined slamming all of this nasty stuff of this giant spider into my mouth. Like a turkey who is getting force fed. And I imagined how it would feel with other nasty substances. // I found these thoughts very disgusting of course but I didnt try to control them I just let them happen. I don’t think I am done with this tendency because I didnt found the motivation on why I want to think these thoughts. I know that as a baby my father overfed me. As soon as I made a sound my father came to spoon feed and I blew up like a ballon. As soon as I started walking I got rid of that extra fat and stayed lean for my entire life. I always found force feeding extremely disgusting and always tried to eat normal portions. Would you say that this is a traumatic experience that I have to live through again ? What tipps would you give me to overcome it ?

Your are right. Its absurd but it so feels like spiders have some personal problem with me. Now that I see that my phobia seems smaller thanks.

@Michal__ thanks for sharing your experience ?? . It’s not something you like to share so it feels good to know you are not the only one with weird fantasies of that kind. How long did it take you until the fantasies turned from disturbing to funny ?