Jannes

I liked Kai Greens posing back in the day as well. Not sure if this is more or less ego.

Asked my friend if a girl in our social circle has a bf. She has. And he continues on with saying that she is basically a 9-10/ 10 and its a strange gap with her bf and stuff. Its interesting, I found her kind of cute, thought that maybe she would be gf material. Either his standards are low or mine are astronomical.

We talked about developmental tasks. Got me thinking, it would likely be best to find a partner with the same tasks. My problem with fitting in goes back decades though so its not easy to find someone with the same profile.

Met a friend at a cafe today. He invited me to take pictures of me. Usually I am nervous meeting people 1 on 1, well thats how I remember it but it was pretty normal. We went to a nice cafe. Right after I felt a warm sense of ease and positive emotions. Saw a girl from my seminar and I directly smiled at her when she walked by without any hesitation. I am not honest with myself about how much I need basic social connection.

Love seems to be my way out. In the form of romance. Romance makes it possible for me to open up, to go beyond myself.

Met a friend at the doctor today. He was very open, I didnt even realize how reserved I was until he entered the scene. Sat next to me and we had a really good chat. When the doctor asked me in I didnt know how to built a transition and kind of just went. Could have just said, we can continue talking tomorrow or something.. He seemed a little confused when I came back after the meeting and took the initiative with a fist bump and "we can continue talking tomorrow". I felt bad about it. But still he invited me into a good vibe I didnt know I didnt have. It just shows me again how isolated I really am emotionally. Whenever I get invited its feels so good for a brief moment but it usually happens as a calculation error cause I usually dont give it back. While it feels good its also me getting support while keeping my sovernty whichis something the supporting person doesnt have so the grass doesnt need to be much greener on the other side.

There are picture in my mind of things which I wanted to express so badly but never did because I didnt have the technical skills. When I was at my worst state in the old theatre club I felt like it started to eat from my substance, like everything around my literal substance was burned down and what kept me up was my literal substance which was about to get infiltrated. I was about to turn insane. And there was almost some sense of freedom in there. I also wanted to draw a picture of feeling free and happy. A free and deeply happy face with a thunderer whistle as its nose. It was shortly before I left the theatre club. And something else. Need sleep.

You mean the rules?

Thinking that smoking weed is cool

chess status

When all I had for distraction was chess, I became addicted to that. I need to find "healthy" addictions.

Got it by trying out some things. Didnt come to the conclusion without using the link.

Its a nightmare to read if you arent a good reader to begin with.

Impro acting went well today as well. Relatively little juice of my medication. What I did differently was I tried to give myself an emotion at the start and built from there. I didnt work out the way I thought it would work out but somehow I played more emotional. I really want to craft my technique.

I friend of mine offered to take picture of me for my dating profile. Super random. I have a long list of ways to interpret it but I think I just wont interpret it at all.

I feel lonely but at the same time I dont anyone really near me. Part of it is also that I dont open up to the same extend I feel like. Sharing vulnerability creates a bond. Authenticity as well. Whenever I talk about something that actually moved me in my self help group or somewhere else it created a sense of connection. Maybe I just need to do that more.

Well there was already lots of back and forth so after all of this I am implying that I dont know if he is a scammer or not so that isnt nice. On the other hand doubt must be something he faces regularely so that was a Red Flag of him.

The 5 - 190 Euro range wouldnt be a problem though as after 10 weeks you get into the 50 Euro range. In case that will be relevant.

My RV trainer responded. He seems pissed. Terrible sign.

What a story to wake up to.

I dont even know what I did today but somehow its night and I gotta sleep.

This would go to Off-Topic btw.

My old bike dealer had a physical calender with nakes girls as the poster so you could see it openly. Quite liked that. It had an authentic charm. It fit because he was a really nice guy.

This makes me emotional.