Jannes

The artist girl was there yesterday. It was a bit of a shock to my whole system. She is hella skilled socially, it doesnt even make sense. So I emotionally opened up but I dont really know how far I want to go. Really I created a boundary already, she has mental problems, a bf and overwhelms me, its not good.

I loved these things as a kid. Wow, how can I only remember them now. How was I emotionally detatched from them ..

I had a dream of doing it with a dude yesterday night. When I am lifted of a lot of social pressure my bi side comes out more. Weirdly in day consciousness I am basically never attracted to dudes. In my dreams I sometimes love to get nailed though.

WAIT, if it's not the case that he got shit despite being innocent then that wouldn't explain my case. Such a short time with so much pressure lifted off my shoulders.

At my social spot today I saw the proud girl again, she was there right from the start. I had a chance to ask a friend of her if she is in a monogamous relationship with that dude but I was too scared to ask. Damnit I blew a chance. I generally noticed that the spot is just so routinlike that it's boring and I am becoming boring. Either I am super funny or super boring and all of that has to do with how engaged I am. The key to socializing really is to find ways to stimulate myself. Which is why “how can I have fun this night" was always so helpful to me in the past for socializing. And also I often put so little effort into having fun. I started to put more effort into it today and it paid out, I was more engaged then usual.

He just told me he did sexual harassment. Oh my fucking God what is going on. I am not aware of any crimes that I did. This becomes very apparent when the freedom to confess them opens up and nothing follows. Aaaaaah I don't know what to think of my friend now.

I asked if he did anything wrong or did anything that could even be interpreted wrong but he didnt reply yet. I guess he fucked up a little at least.

Whenever I speak my mind and get a pure conscience I feel an even bigger inpurity because I start to believe that I am not evil anymore.

RV notes from a few days ago which seemed fire (I should really use my Laptop for my RV targets, so I can use my phone to write them down right away) I wonder if my RV blocked when my ability to awaken is blocked as well Later yesterday I imagined my very next move and thought like I was god Frame over truth with the wpmi-girl all the way

So I talked to him about it. And he replied that he experienced the same. Multiple women there accused him of sexual harassment. I assume he implied that he didn't do shit to deserve it. I am loosing my fucking mind. This place has to be nuked with truth.

I have no real concept of what I want from my outfit but sometimes there is a spark. This is a spark. 100 Euros though..

Talked to a few yesterday about what happened which is pretty huge for me. I didnt dare to before. And it feels good. Now the boyfriend of my friend also wants to know whats up.

Saw a few stylish dudes today while shopping. I am always like I dont really need style but then I see an outfit perfectly put together like a piece of art and then I want it as well. But it costs money, is bad for the environement etc. ..

Were back baby!

I fucked up so badly with my messages. Paddled back today like a little bitch and made some critical errors along the way as well. Super 60 iq move. Well I did it and I need to live with the consequences now. I need to reground myself.

Mostly politics so meh

That I have been binging youtube for 5 hours doesnt help that case .. although idk it might even help.

There is so much inner tension going on inside me, I am constantly bumping into things and letting things fall. My system is working overtime to process.

THIS game talking about a alternate reality where you can collect yourself it helped me a lot years ago when I played it

So I found this website where people rank each others dating, business and social pictures and give advice. Its honestly pretty eye opening because I had all kind of ideas of what could make a good impression and what doesnt and this is like a direct encounter with reality. But its a bit blackpilling. You can earn your votes by rating other pictures and by doing that you develop your intelligence of what makes a good dating picture. https://www.photofeeler.com/

A good thing in my life is my stretchy belt though which I just got. It's so comfortable, even when I sit. You gotta experience the good things while they last.

Still I have a very bad feeling about it, I think I went to far, I digged to deep. Preparing for impact.

I came up with a much better answer, even made it playful. Sometimes a breather safes your skin.

She just texted back that she doesnt know what I am talking about and cant help me. Fucking gaslighting. My first instinct is to write you are terrible and I hope we never see each other again. Then I think that this is maybe an emotional reaction that doesnt solve anything. But really what can I do, she is not set on this point and there is nothing I can do.

A friend of mine needed someone to collect him from the hospital so I randomly did that. Threw my whole usual morning routine and afternoon out of order. Emotionally as well. We played video games at his place in the end. .. The girl from the old theatre club replied with what I wanted to talk about and I gave her the whole answer. Curious where this will lead to, I didnt dare to before..