Jannes

Whenever I wake up my thoughts are why I havent slept with two girls in my social circle who were open to it. They would have opened the door to the f*boy lifestyle. Now these doors are half closed. But idk if I would have enjoyed that even.

Men I just feel flatened despite taking medication. A lot of uni stuff. I need to get used to that level of effort.

Just listened to typical hollow male drinking music. I always feel a sense of cringe and shame/ outsiderness when I listen to it. But also, I kinda changed teams recently so I am more open to it.

"Look up contact improv workshops in your area. That should help you become more comfortable with touching strangers " ______________

HAH and I have a hard time learning it because of rejection sensitivity. Sensitivity in general. Well maybe thats an excuse. Somewhere I already got tipps for hugging seminars and physical game.

I can talk to women though. I cant physically escalate. Thats my blind spot.

Yeah, I dont actually know how to escalate things, even though I have girl being interested in me/ chase me. And I say that I just want an actual relationsip. This lack of ability is a bit of a blind spot which can and probably is filled with self deception. Although I really dont feel like sleeping with some, but even that can be part of self deception. I need to meditate and game on that to sandvich that self deception.

Will take medication today again. Want to isolate how sleeping long affects my productivity.

I see time and time again that women/ people dont follow rules, they follow their feelings. And I just cant get in because I dont.

I had weird ass dreams today. Reunited with many people of the old theatre club and .. kissed a girl there finally. Although I am not sure if she kissed me first. No she kissed me first and I said something like I was about to kiss you as well. I had feelings for her back then but she had a boyfriend so I stopped myself. Oh men.

The Dino should get a customizeable chain. And maybe extra reinforcements on the teeth. That would humanize it to some degree.

Now this is interesting, I do experience myself having troubles focusing without some sort of input. I also heard someone else with adhd have that difficulty and resolving it with traffic noise. I NEED to try this

Raw Consciousness is so beautiful. Its the only beautiful thing. In relationships we experience it for a while. I wonder why we run away from consciousness otherwise though. Like my mind wants to numb and distract itself. Whats the deal? How can't I know any better?

Interestingly my imagination continued a lot in this meditation. And also some parts of my soul, aka deep emotional wounds started to heal. The vibe was a bit like this.

Its so weird actually being on top of my game and not having things to do urgently. Actual free time. I could fall into video games but better invest it into meditaton.

Just did an hour long meditation where I starred at a black point on a piece of paper. I helped me to work through quite a lot of thoughts and relaxed me. No special state of consciousness though. Although a bit. When I closed my eyes and let my thoughts run, I had some creative visions which seemed qualitatively different from my usual creative thoughts. Some kind of outfit, some kind of cristal-hearted-redness mixed with all sort of weirdness. They literally seemed higher/ more holy. Very hard to put into words.

Just cut my beard and only left the mustache and under lipp beard. It looks way cleaner in comparison. I dont know what I was thinking with this 2mm beard before. I never shaved it off completly for years so I never had a comparison. There is a deeper lesson that I sometimes need to change my usual patterns to see the other side... maybe I should do a hookup is what this lesson seems to suggest to me...

I have had a bunch of thoughts recently which I wanted to write down but then I didnt get to it and now I forgot them lol Well I think one was that I recently got really horny. My ex f+ posted some status on whatsapp which seemed pretty intimate. She can kind of convey that in pictures. Its so weird, on the one hand I like that, on the other our f+ relationship was hell, I never truly liked being around her. Its pretty confusing. Maybe I need to rewire my experience with intimacy with another partner.

The strategy to get the link of a video fast works awfully well..