Jannes

I find it fascinating how messed up charismatic people can be. But thats because charisma is part of survival. Before you go out you overcome fear and develop charisma to get social support. Some people seem so boring, I feel like they would need help to not drown in their insufferable boredem, but oftentimes they are the healthiest ones because evidently they never really got pushed. Making very strong generalizations of course.

I really freaked up the last time at my social spot I feel like. When I sat next to that girl all her friends left us two alone. And generally it seemed like a lot of people were in on it that I could take her. Well I stopped at some point because I just couldnt find something to talk about with her. I once sat next to her, said nothing and that was it. Thats where all your imaginations about a person crumble, you ACTUALLY need to talk to her 1 on 1 without expectation and IF something nice happens like attraction thats good but you cant expect that. Thats why overthinking about someone is stupid, because your thoughts are never reality.

When you think about someone practically, what they practically could be in your life you are going in the wrong direction. The right direction would be the question if you want to "eat a cake, kick a ball, lay there in silence" with them RIGHT NOW and organically a solid structure will follow from that. Although the practical aspect isnt wrong either, who nows where passion leads you .. Maybe I differ there a bit from Alan Watts.

Pretty sexy style .. but the amount of time it would take to think about your appearence .. not so sexy ...

Wanted to enjoy some me time today and am currently binging Rick & Morty but it sucks, I am bored. Would rather do something.

And I feel really alive, holy shit.

Men I have some masochistic tendencies it seems like .. I wanted to epilate parts of my inner thigh for a cleaner look. I bought some creme which reduces the pain but I was sceptical that it would have side effects so I wanted to see if I can push through it raw. It was very painful but accepting that kinda put me into a drunk state where I could face pain and just in a way accepted it. I ended up epilating my whole ass. Wanted that anyway but shyed away from it because of pain. I will have a smooth but for the next month and WILL enjoy touching myself.

To be fair failure is seen as part of the creation process by Elon Musks. Rocket blew up "great we learned something new."

My experience is this: when I havent used the site for some time, maybe an hour or so, it loads very slow the first time. Afterwards its very fast.

Musk recently finally disconnected the internet of russian troops through his satelite there which gave ukranians a big advantage and they made territory gains. If Musk isnt influenced as much by dark side forces anymore maybe he comes to his senses more. I would like to think that at least. How is Musks social media looking besides that post? Any notable vibechange?

Much thanks!!

Went out again today. The energy just continues to be that good. I really stumbled upon a key there.

My RV practice wasnt that good today. I think its because I am still processing so much of what happened yesterday. There is always so much going on socially that its much to process.

Radical reinterpretation of death

My place for philosophical thoughts and spiritual insights.

Idea for a pretty dark piece of art. A flame burning a whole in a piece of paper. Around the lighting flame is the paper gradually degrading. However the degrading is reinterpreted as something beautiful. Directly around the flame which is the light, are beautiful, godly-ish patterns which slowly become less and less as the the further away the paper is from the flame where it becomes "normal". This represents death as the light and the living world as away from god. Not sure how that would sit with suicidal people though.

Just finished with my (working) desk. I placed an arm on the side which holds a multifunctional plate where I can add or reduce functionalities. Atm I place my pens and papers there which leaves my working table completle empty. Only the items I use atm are on the table. I am so happy with this result. My working table is the place where I am a good chunk everyday so you gotta built a nest that suits you.

Sucking in your belly

Human social skills ARE based on corruption. This is why adhd folk appears to paradoxically have extremely deep social intuition while at the same time sucking at many usual social skills. (The girl has adhd and autism)

Yesterday when I was socializing I was talking to this one girl I slowly built a connection with. Then another dude who was friends with her came to the group and I kinda (and I thought subtly) marked my territory by going a step forward and not let him get in the table tennis round. She immediately just left me there. Kudos to her, holy shit, first for spotting my survival tricks and second for having no tolerance for it whatsoever. And the guy truly was super nice and just a platonic friend it wasnt cool that I interrupted that. I still have some shame about that moment.

Socializing today ... At first I really wasnt warmed up and felt like I screwed up two greeting by not really greeting two people. I just couldnt really do it and I kind of hated myself for it. It really just wasnt doable emotionally for some reason. Also my usual friend wasnt there wh played a bit of a emotional provider before so it really wasnt that easy. At that point I became conscious of the importance of initiative. If you are passive all the time that really plays into your confidence in a negative way. There is kind of a power dynamic just determined by who initiates. That forced me to socialize with other people I dont usually socialize with though and somehow later that night I entered a really good social state. I was pretty effortlessly funny and didnt really care anymore. Some of the best social state I had in a really long time.

Men that was pretty brutal. I wanted to do something, but I was missing all the tools for it. Giving a handshake for a goodbye would have been one thing to do.

Why the hell is my device not blocked .. ? Anyway, I had a great social evening today. It was pretty hard to get back into it after a weekend of alone time, not my usual monday event and then getting back into it today at wednesday again. But I managed. Especially the social hierarchies, who not hug and what not was hard, took me back to months. But after that was over I eased into a pretty good social mood. Had one encounter where I kinda started a connection simply bc of adhd. She didnt even interest me that much but just that she was someone new made it instantly super intense and when it got too much I didnt really know how to break it up so I spent most of the time with someone else, leaving her confused perhaps. Thats not cool but I didnt know any better. But such a typical adhd moment I experienced plenty of times. Also what I notice is that I really need to listen to what feels good to me with these hugs and such. When I constantly play a role, I dont have my feelings as a compass bc I betray them. So even though its hard, I need to be honest with myself with who I want to hug and not. I CAN say, Hi it takes me some time until I get warm with people so I am just giving you a handshake for now. In a sense that creates the way to a new connection because I dont enter with overwhelm each time. I really tried to feel into me today. Its not easy. One the way to unfog my inner compass. The wpmi-girl seems very broken, what the hell. I know that she is on anti-depresents, but now she has a whatsapp pic of herself basically collapsed, with her head laying on the shelf "I cant do this anymore".

Complete hit or miss with RV. Two complete fails but pretty good last one. Still not sure what it is but I have a lot of corrections in mind that I always try to apply. I think my very first RV session which was about 6 years ago might have been the best. I remember snippits of it in my practice.