Jannes

The leader of the club replied back a couple days later and asked some questions. Then so much shit which was stirred up inside me came up and I gave a very long voice message describing parts of my experience but in a raw way. At first I was anxious getting this out. Then I felt super authentic and confident. Still have some doubt mixed in but I generally feel really good about it... this doesnt capture the emotional weight AT ALL but I am to tired to describe it in detail right now.

I sometimes suck at certain communication rules. If I want something, I dont know how to ask for it. I am either overly nice or straight forward and the letter comes off as egocentric. I feel like most people have dipped into the water enough to develop some strategies, I havent to the same degree.

Thats what I mean. Rats are highly intelligent, breaking that rats neck must have caused a lot of pain. Actually I just read about it, the method seems to be pretty intelligent, you knock the rat out and when you break its neck you disconnect the spinal cord to the brain which creates a very fast death. The small motions dont nessecarily mean that the rat is still conscious, it can be the body reacting, like a chicken that this runs after its head is cut off. So if executed perfectly this creates relatively little harm but its hard to tell from the outside if it is executed perfectly.

Damn wouldnt there be better ways to kill the rat? He doesnt even knock the rat out and then breaks its kneck with brute force. The way he does it looks professional and clean but I think it could be done better. Otherwise it looks very interesting even though it wouldnt eat it.

I kind of learn to express myself through this blog.

Weirdly comforting:

I hear that as an INFP a graphic designer would be a great job. I havent really looked into that. I did a little bit of photoshop back in the day, thats all. I always had a tough time learning the program. Because I was emotionally in a bad state I didnt have the calm to do it, because learning requires a certain degree of calmness, which is why acting often worked out for me, I finally had a place where I could express myself creatively. But I have so many ideas in general for example on my blog without a medium in which I can express my ideas in, so learning to be a graphic designer could do both, it could earn me money and a lot of ways to express myself creatively aka living my life purpose. It takes about 1-2 years to become good at graphic design and with the help of Leos tipps, I know how to make a great portfolio. When I was in an emotionally better state, as a kid I loved this game though. There are probably tutorials online with which you can have a similiar experience learning the programms of a graphic designer.

The path to becoming an ergo therapist is just a little longer as getting my teachers degree. The teachers degree is a lot higher of an degree and could give me more options all around, which is important because with adhd you easily get bored from a job and want to change. As an ergo therapist I work in the right direction already though. I have to compare the options these jobs open for me. And working as a teacher might not be ideal but a very strong backup option for when I want to change carrers and want to make good money for few hours of work.

I remember that I had a friend who had a ton of self worth problems stemming etc. from a bad childhood and I worked a lot for him. It felt incredible, honestly I thought at some point that I just need to replicate that at the future and I basically dont have to work anymore because I like it so much. However it just didnt really work out, I spent so much love but nothing really changed and I was running out of love myself, I thought I had infinite fuel but I didnt. That depressed me a little. And I also had my own problems and so it came to an end at some point. But this is basically still what I do all the time. If I learn to get my own needs met, maybe this can be work for me. I am basically thinking that my work needs to be closely tied to the field of a social worker who works on helping people with emotioal problems, trauma, etc. Its just not clear to me what my exact taste would be. Maybe hardcore trauma would just be too much for me for example. And also much of my inventions and ideas come from this point, helping people with art though instead of directly. So in my life I either want to do direct social work and do my art in my free time, or do creative work as a job and at least have plenty of friends I can be the free psychiatrist for.

I wrote the leader of my club a text message that I want to leave the club a few days ago. He hasnt replied yet. I thought about it for more then a year now and writing the message itself took me about 6 hours with weeks beforehand. The club was the biggest heartbreak I ever had, I committed so deeply so breaking from it created panik in me. It was almost perfect, a place where I could find out who I am, almost. But there was just such an accumulation of bullshit I experienced there, it just doesnt feel right anymore. After I wrote the text message I felt pretty vulnerable, like I dont have my group to protect me anymore. It was interesting the evening after that I dreamed pretty vividly, I remember taking LSD in the dream. I am clearing up and might be more open to psychedelics again. Made a tour yesterday to clear my head. I almost went back into writing the leader of the club that he should forget about the message and that I will be back. I will face a pretty harsh reality where I dont have the club as a supporting group (even though it was toxic there) while also not having many other options. It might all be because I felt the support of my student friend that I had the confidence to leave the club, but I cant rely on that. I notice however how making new connections with other people feels a little more organic and natural, like my primate brain adapts to the new survival situation.

Everything for everything.

I remember at some point he argued that an objective world outside exists. PERIOD! Much of his argumentation is also based on the objective world, like society is getting objectively better because in the objective world more cool shit is out there... I wonder how his mind got there.

Great. But thats what makes me think if my studies are that important. I would need to invest so much into it, maybe the degree is meaningless in a few years and what counts is actual experience. Anyways that waste meter looks super interesting, couldnt find it the source of it though.

Men I was in a mood for some junk and now I feel sick.

A pill box for my vitamins. Very often forgot them before, so a huge health upgrade for a few bucks.

Talked with a girl who does ergotheraphy today. Maybe thats also an option. It takes 3 years of training to get a degree.

Met my friend today again. He was at the place before me and socialized with quite a few more people. We chatted with this one girl who was so cool, she had such a magnetic character, I really liked her. It was a very wholesome evening. Later those two left together. This guy is my personal hero, incredibly generous, a femenist and seemingly also successfull with women in a non toxic way.

All this talk about remote viewing being real or not reminds me of a story: Years ago I was in some kind of new agy group doing some spiritual practice, most of it seemed like complete nonsense and fantasy. And then we had this coconut practice: You put a coconut into your hand and then you had to do some inner work and when you realased your inner baggage that would manifest itself in the coconut rolling out of your hand by itself. At first it didnt immediately work out and the women leading this told me that it took her a long time before it worked and that it was very debilitating and that you should hold the coconut in one hand. So I thought to myself what a dumb b*tch she just gets tired at some point and with a mix of tiredness and the will to be fooled to have something magical in her life she just let the coconut roll out of her hand herself. So when we did it a second time I took a second hand to my hand holding the coconut as reinforcement so that there would be no way that I could accidently roll the coconut out of my hand myself or fool myself. It didnt take long, the coconut didnt want to roll so she quickly asked for connection with Swamijis Power and that fu*king coconut rolled out of my hand by itself, I kid you not!

I havent booked a vacation yet. The time being sick and playing with perspectives helped a lot so I thought this was enough. But looking out the window into the foggy sky I feel a deep longing of just existing for some time without a task or pressure. I want to look out of an open window at rain drops for 3 hours, being completly lost from everyday reality.

A moment when I felt very much connected to my inner values:

Wild card - Remote viewing If I were less open minded I would actually have it easier to get a normal job. So wouldnt it only be a sort of a natural balance that because of my disadvantage there that I would have it easier else where like finding a well paying job one could only find through open mindedness and that I also have the abilities to do it, ... please, please universe bend to my interpretation of you which has my human bias? Like can remote viewing be a real thing people and I can make money from ? ___________________ I already did a course on remote viewing once, talking like 3 hours with a guy who could apperently do it. And he coached me and I did it myself and I correctly identified a volcano through coordinates alone. I remember saying things like intense energy, gray, ash, ... He even told me that one could make good money with it. This was my entry haha. Well I dont quite know what I thought about it back then, despite correctly identifying parts of the volcano it was so vague that I thought it could just be interprated to make it fit. And all the other talk seemed a little weird although I didnt come to a full conclusion if this was real or not. So I didnt follow it afterwards partly because of that confusion but also maybe because I was running away from something good.

I think we are on the same page pretty much. We agree that a vegan diet is in theory possible for most people if executed well and we have a slight disagreement in how difficult this diet would be for the average Joe to do right where I would say its a little more doable and you argue that the challenge is a little too much.

In my experience vegans are on average way more informed about diet then other people. But it might still not be enough. Although it becomes easier and easier. There are supplements where you can literally take two pills out of the same box a day which covers all your needs as a vegan on top of a well balanced vegan diet. (picture below) https://www.target.com/p/ritual-multivitamin-for-women-18-with-vegan-omega-3-dha-vitamin-d3-chelated-iron-and-methylated-folate-vegan-capsules-mint-essenced-60ct/-/A-87742293 But there is a wide variety of plant foods, so there are multiple ways to make a vegan diet work. You can search for lower fiber vegan diets, low carb vegan diets, vegan diets for building muscle, ... Of course there is less variation compared to an omnivore diet but for most needs a vegan diet has an answer. Well you would supplement those anyways. My point was moreso that in your o3 answer you said that there may be certain nutrients science hasnt discovered yet and which are vital for our health and which may only be in animal food. So my question would be, if one would supplement their diet with eggs which basically contain everything for life, wouldnt that likely cover most nutrients that havent yet been discovered?