Jannes

With 300 Million people in the country ofc you will get some of those. The question is just what the percentage is.

I am also not really initiating a whole lot. With people I like I can make the first step. Why the hell do I not do it .. Also everything points to a self help group. I think I could gain a lot from it.

I am not feeling that good today and I dont know why. Well an ex-female member of the old theatre club unblocked me. After 2 years or so randomly. My only explanation is that she talked to the older old member of the theatre club which I talked to with whom I talked about a girl I am seeing at the social spot often that he knows who told him about me which gave her a better feeling about me. Maybe that just brings me into this old role. Hard to say why I am not feeling good. What I also need to reflect on is that I definitely could be friends with so many people. I just hesitate and turn my back bc I dont like the feeling of connection or I am not used to it. But then why am I not that confident? If I deeply knew that I was likeable then wouldnt I be confident? So I dont know if my resistance is actually stemming from a perceived sense of not worthyness when I would actually like to connect or if I actually do not like connection. I also seem to be very unaware of which kind of connections are good for me and which arent. The social spot seems to drain me a lot. Monday seems to built me up a bit. Well categorically 1 on 1 conversations feel much better to me then groups.

I struggle with this in a social context a lot. I need a lot of time to let people close to me, the social world moves at a much higher speed then I am comfortable with. Hugs are kind of part of the whole game so I do them even though I dont fully feel comfortable with them. But I am not really following my inner compass with this, you know when you feel your inner voice of I wanna hug this person because it feels good and this person because it feels good, its all just mudded for me so I going about it logically and when I feel overwhelmed that manifests itself kind of autistically.

Oh wow.

Not in a serious way. I think I would feel more akward then on a date tbh. What is your experience?

Its the same with a girl I matched with on Bumble. Short connection and I retrieve. Connecting doesnt feel good. Well at least not immediately.

In Germany its like 0 - 20 Dollars (converted from Euro). But if its to costly then there will be other options. There will be other broke people like you or not?

I was contemplating if I am autistic bc of your post, thats also why I use that wording. Its possible that I am autistic. The biggest counter argument is that I can read people intuitively. Actually I think I am really good at it. And much of it can overlap with adhd and a large body of bad social experiences in my life.

I came to the realization yesterday, that socially I am always in a state of wanting to flee. I dont really enjoy connection. Well, I learned to open up to it a bit more. Just sharing a funny moment together with eye contact and enjoying that, not just performing, is actually a pretty big step.

I woke up with the same inability to stabilize my emotions to a comfortable level. Thought about going on a train ride today. Just a train ride.

Youtube and chill tonight. I slept so much on the day, I dont think can sleep at a regular time today.

I dont know how failed states are managed internationally tbh. But I cant even imagine that because the US is so immensely powerful, everyone would be interested to shape it in their liking. That thought is just bonkers. What exactly do you have in mind when you say the US should be abolished, like what should society do?

I feel like I am in a bit of a crisis emotionally. Its so hard to feel anything for people. I had emotions for many girls in my old theatre club but they were pretty much all cheaters. But they were lovely people. Whenever I encounter another lovely girl she will likely be just the same. So I dont know which standard I should have. The most powerful/ socially clever people are often not the best choice. More unintrusive girls are better I feel. I am learning about myself that I am not happy with simple hookups. And my mind is working hard to profile what kind of girl I like. I think I am on the right track just talking with different girls. And if feelings do arise spontaniously, thats good.

That it fails hard. The US isnt perfect but what could emerge from total chaos could be much worse.

But kids often suffer in school a lot when they have adhd. Its quite the predicament for parents.

Hehe, I needed to teach my family hugging. My dad is quite akward at it. No a hug is definitely way more intimate for me then a handshake, fistbump or something like that. Its only part that I dont know who is comfortable with it, most are and I know that. Its too much for me.

Men ... I am really kind off in pain emotionally/ socially. I need a break.

Oh God this is so painful to listen to I thought he had a real talk with him but the solution seemed to be to get to level two of sucking up to him.

Lol, "Trump isnt perfect and he knows it" Trump: I myself ended 8 wars, I deserve the peace price, I did this and that ... Well he is not pretending to be humble.

It is unfair and I understand that the EU doesnt want to go back in time. Not everyone will be happy in such a trade deal though, there are just too many actors involved, its about benefitting the majority. Farming in many European countries is more for possible self sustainability in the case of a war, the speciality is moreso on exporting high quality products. You could maybe make a co2 tax, which finds a compromise between the interest to get this trade deal through with the South American Countries and also to protect the farmers a bit. But the deal was 25 years in the making, wouldnt that be considered? Maybe it was considered but was just not acceptable for the South American Countries.

I am feeling the same feeling of exhausting/ blockage which I felt yesterday as well but much stronger now. Too much people, I cant take it all. Maybe I need more breaks. Or maybe more perceived freedom. Oftentimes I feel like I just go along, all the paths are made for me to take but they arent really my own.

Interesting dreams today. Questioning my decision yesterday to not go through it but I think I was right. Also people yesterday looked at me a bit weird. Almost like they were integrated into my backstory. Which could very well be the case, I talked to the ex-theatre friend of mine a few days ago and asked him if he knew two people there who are also mathematicians, one of them being a girl who I kinda flirted with and who seemed very interested. So if he brought that up then its likely they talked. She looked much more interesting yesterday then usual. Cant really decide. Yesterday she was girlfriend material.

That one girl basically asked me to smash. Not directly but its also not super subtle. I really didnt feel it though, the connection just wasnt there. Feels a bit insane though, she looks good. But its the emotionally better choice.