Jannes

I am tempted to really blame myself as I did before. But then I realized that this wont move me forward, instead it will get me into needing emotional support which creates even more misunderstanding. Its true that whenever I socialize I create heartbreak for other people just by existing seemingly. Can I take more responsibility? Hows my ego playing into all of that? I think if I just had a partner then a lot of misunderstanding of me sending wrong signals because I need some kind of intimacy would go away. But I have all of these second thoughts about all of the options I have.

The EKG didnt work for me a second time, no signal. The worker there has no idea why as it works for all the other patience. Its probably a combination of me being relatively skinny, having a low pulse and maybe other factors which make it difficult. Have another appointment tomorrow at a later time. Will I roll back into bed immediately or wait a bit .. ?

I am wondering how the dynamic with my friend and his gf who wanted to smash with me is turning out now. It would have been awesome to go along with the ride and maybe get closer to both of them, but if I dont want to smash, I dont want to smash.

Trying to solve everything with untreated adhd is epic, with medications I could just numb myself and do fine but I would never reach the epic emotional peaks as I could without medications.

Well maybe because of it even. I have seen so many girls attatching even harder to a guy when he goes for other girls.

Well in a way I already kind of did when I asked her if she could open her ears if any of the single girls are single. But then some gestures are just going a bit too far, of her seemingly looking for any kind of connection..

So with the girl I am kind of friends with and whom seemed to be getting closer last time, I could have set a boundary earlier. And then maybe I could have put more in as well..?

Am I just scared of letting go of control?

I had a match on an dating site once and on the profile of the girl it said she is asexual. But then I was like, nah, thats also not what I want. ... Then does anything I brabble about even make any sense.. ?

A walk is always good. I have to get up early tomorrow for the EKG. Thought about how I can create connections a lot. So generally I prefer women as friends but the problem is always that they want to smash or develop feelings. Which is why I very much enjoy the company of the artists girl because she has neither interest. So realistically a connection with a girl could work in these scenarios: in an actual relationship, f+, or with a lesbian gf. A male friendship could work more easily but I am just not easily comfortable around males. ... Also I noticed that when I am the one who is actively approaching then I feel more comfortable building up a connection because I am in power. Yeah ...

He implies that the left got Kirk killed which has not been proven as its an ungoing investigation but then uses that to demonize the left as a whole. Complete black and white thinking, the right lives in objective reality and has absolute truth, the left lives in fantasy world and has no truth. Where do you even begin with critiquing such a worldview .. ?

The thing is I would like to actually cry right now, but I feel kind of numb as well, my emotions arent that sharp. Part of that is that I maybe dont accept them. When I really sit with my emotions I experience them sharper and find relief in whatever they are. But because of adhd I have problems feeling and working through them. The answer is kind of coregulating emotions but I dont have someone for that and 1 on 1 body doubling with strangers doesnt really work for that I think .. although that would be interesting to study ..

I cant make a hot bath, but I could watch something that actually interests me. ... Its normal that you have down phases after ups. But also I think about potentially loosing some key connections which in itself isnt great but also in a broader sense makes me question myself and my shortcomings .. I think what I need the most would be someone I can really share some deep stuff with, a comfort person. I have maybe such a person in mind.

I feel like a crybaby right now. I deserve a rest kinda, but because I watched so much youtube the last couple of days, I dont really see a way to make things even more comfortable for me. ... 💡 A hot bath with an capturing audio story would be so nice.

There was just a premiere at my old theatre club yesterday. It was kind of a good moment to go back but I just honestly didnt feel like it. But thats also a bit of a sign I didnt really want to sent as well.

Oh wow, I didnt realize how many options Headspace offered for uniquely tailored meditation. I really like the semi guided timer meditation, the dude reminds me every 4 mins or so to get on track which is perfect. I felt so not in my body starting the meditation, just somewhere else in another stratosphere or sunken somewhere in low in my body, it was really weird. Then I felt this chi like energy again. At this point I experienced it so often I can recognize it though its weird and alien. Tried to play with it a little, what its properties are and how to bend it and so forth and I felt like I got the hang of it a little, by letting go of it I seemed to increase its power to insanse level and compressed and hardened it yet when I did nothing it took on all kinds of different shapes on its own, so I really have no idea what my impact was. I only know that I started it somehow with meditation.

I dont know how to feel around the artist girl. Yesterday it was awesome as it felt like she had such a high vibe and was inviting me openly in her world a little bit. Today I felt a bit like one of many suckers who orbits around her. I really dont feel in my power today is the thing, so yeah thats how the dynamic changes depending of where I stand.

Everything is chemistry. Every thing that manifests is made out of a chemistry of things around them. Yet every thing is also responsible for creating every other thing in this chemical process.

I am sooo tired, I didnt even notice. I thought that getting enough sleep would need to be enough especially because I chilled most of the time yesterday and today as well but no. The girl asked me if I go to the club with her today, obviously asking to smash as she was very transparent about it but I dont want to. It sucks for her, sucks for our relationship, sucks for future possibilites but thats how it is. I kind of thought about her being part of my closer friend zone potentially, but this probably wont happen now. Its unhealthy but I am kind of prepared to let people go very fast now, I dont attatch pretty much anymore. I am just a little scared that I wont have anybody. Well the connections with male friends are constantly deepening but just much slower because I would prefer female friends. Whats true remains..

I sometimes had little bursts of crazy energy I remember a few years ago. Where I felt in touch with myself but it was so much crazyness and so far away from who I was that I coulnt express that really. This artist girl is kind of the manifestation of who I wanted to be. This place is perfect atm.

If there is one thing I couldnt do its rapping I think. I sometimes saw myself in this scene in particular, I would just stand there overwhelmed. But there is a lesson I took away, for Eminem to be invincible to his last opponent he needed to own all of his weaknesses. I know everything he's 'bout to say against me I am white, I am a fucking bum I do live in a trailer with my mom My boy Future is an Uncle Tom I do got a dumb friend named Cheddar Bob Who shoots himself in his leg with his own gun I did get jumped by all six of you chumps And Wink did fuck my girl I'm still standin' here screaming, "Fuck the Free World!"

What a cool dude. It also helps that he is good looking.

I feel like I need to do lots of foreplay to compensate for my rather average size but that is emotionally more intense then just straight banging I feel like. Meh. Also I am just not that used to it anymore.

What the hell was this evening.. So I went to the social spot and a lot happened at once, table tennis, dart, karaoke, mario kart ... it was a great spot. Saw the artist girl there, she wore a neon tango visible above her joggers. I was kind of questioning for whom I built interest there, it seemed like she is the kind of girl who fishes for attention and I am just one of the people who fell for it. But she was indeed really cool so far, cant judge her for anything so far, it would be ungrateful even. I am puzzled a bit. There is this girl I am kind of friends with and who is often around me and she went for a hug this time. Its difficult because she is often so close to me that it kind of seems like she is my gf which is bad when I want to game. And recently it also felt like she got a bit attatched and demanded a bit of closeness. She seemed kind of hurt today when she was on her own and I didnt get as close to her as she probably wanted. It was emotionally pretty though, I needed to really face what my value were, empathy kicked in a lot. Then there was this group of girls I wanted to approach the whole time but I was too scared. Then finally a window opened. Two of them were playing mario kart and the coach besides them was open. So I sat there and watched them play which wasnt weird at all. Afterwards I even joined their group for a game. One girl I built some eye contact with left. I talked mostly with a guy who sat besides me and couldnt find a way to talk to the other girls without making it obvious I was using the guy to built up my state. I left the spot but I tried. And I FINALLY REACHED STATE. So it seems like reaching state is just about facing your fears. I was in such a flow state afterwards. From that place I talked to a girl who was friends with the artist girl and she straight up asked for my number. Damn .. And then this girl who is the girlfriend of my friend told me they were doing poly for the weekend. The girl even asked me if I came today on WhatsApp. But I didnt speak about the elepfant in the room. I didnt want to have sex with her and I was searching for reasons why, for example because I would feel weird getting between them, I am not emtionally stable enough (even though I would smash with other people so she would see that lie ..). It was a little weird especially she literally told me she was on a mission today to hookup. But my flow state tanked a lot and I stayed in a high state all throughout the night. In the end she even asked me directly if we want to smash. I didnt get it though because I thought she was referring to someone else. She sayed "would you?" and because she was just speaking to another guy I said the yeah guy with the red glasses looks sexy, as I thought she was asking me if that guy is acceptable for a hookup as she may needed social confirmation. But I think she actually asked me. This is weird as hell now. From my current state its not a big deal but maybe tomorrow.

I watched way too much youtube the last couple of days. Woke up and the first thing I did is connect to the dopamine line by waching some youtube. Hard to even walk the trash out without it. Well thats also partially because of adhd and that happened before but at least I got through the day somehow without watching so much before. I guess like any other drug it helps to disract me from the emotions I experience atm, which are overwhelm, feelings of inadequacy which I internalized and am confronting right now and so on.