Jannes

Forgot to post: I notice that whenever I don't do something social, I am falling out of social state. A 1 on 1 body doubling session is perfect just for that as I do meet a complete stranger in a positive environement which is quite a lot more demanding then many other social tasks. But it's clear that it is only about being productive so there is basically no need to maintain that connection or anything like it which is perfect. Emerald quote And I do notice the same thing. When I am comforted in a social state I can let go of socializing from a higher state. Not from below but from above. I could socialize, I am in that state but I choose not to instead but feeling all weird from not socializing enough and then not being able to tell the difference between fear of socializing and not wanting to socialize. Being in a social state gives you such comfort. It's a big fear eradicated from your mind as long as you are in a social state. I wonder why people loose their social state at all. Socializing just isn't really how we are authentically so when we are on our own our authenticity deconstructs the social state. So the social state is also painful in a way as it undermines our authenticity. So there is a tradeoff. However a balance that fits oneself better can be achieved. In my case I get in touch with socializing through this while keeping much of my authenticity. ____ Visited my parents for two days. Talked a bit about feelings about the club I left and all that. Got me thinking about how fair I was with giving the leader of the club all the load of shit I went through at once. He was very supportive in some ways but also irresponsible in other ways. But he really tried. And the other shit wasn't his fault per se , but where else could I ever let go of steam. Got me thinking if I was fair to the other people in the club. It was such a subtle form of collective corruption most of the time that my response does make sense. I do have problems to go in conflict so when I do I should think that is was about time for sure. And my feelings are were evident of something being wrong. But maybe I overdid it also. I took so much inner conflict for all this time, I wanted it to come off as a fuck-off a bit, even though I might not really admit that to myself. ____ Tried the mustache. It seemed like an epic fail at first... let it be for some hours, now it only seems like a medium fail. It probably works for this guy because of certain proportions and stuff. Here is what I know. I benefit a lot from at least 3mm at the jaw. My mustache looks better at 3mm or more. The itself beard on my chin looks bad when it is longer then 2mm BUT it gives my face a better shape. Below the chin 1mm looks best. It looks a bit better better when the beard of my jaw has the same length or is shorter then my chin beard. Maybe I can find a way to make my chin beard look clean at 3mm+ , that would be ideal -- I just looked at chin beards at the internet for inapiration and they all look like shit, meaning they don't look clean. I don't think it's possible to get everything done at once. The best

Packed everything, tomorrow I drive to the festival in the morning.

Tried the mustache. It seemed like an epic fail at first... let it be for some hours, now it only seems like a medium fail. It probably works for this guy because of certain proportions and stuff. Here is what I know. I benefit a lot from at least 3mm at the jaw. My mustache looks better at 3mm or more. The itself beard on my chin looks bad when it is longer then 2mm BUT it gives my face a better shape. Below the chin 1mm looks best. It looks a bit better better when the beard of my jaw has the same length or is shorter then my chin beard. Maybe I can find a way to make my chin beard look clean at 3mm+ , that would be ideal -- I just looked at chin beards at the internet for inapiration and they all look like shit, meaning they don't look clean. I don't think it's possible to get everything done at once. You have to know what your priorities are basically. Just looked at my beard again. It actually looks clean and good but trimming my jaw so much is a big opportunity cost, as it looks way more shapely with a few mm. I need it just so much to be visible. I think thats my priority and I can go from there. Its a bit unfortunate because most artistic beards seem to work with shaved jaw.

I notice that whenever I don't do something social, I am falling out of social state. A 1 on 1 body doubling session is perfect just for that as I do meet a complete stranger in a positive environement which is quite a lot more demanding then many other social tasks. But it's clear that it is only about being productive so there is basically no need to maintain that connection or anything like which is perfect. Emerald on the forum said shared some insight about this matter. And I do notice the same thing. When I am comforted in a social state I can let go of socializing from a higher state. Not from below but from above. I could socialize, I am in that state but I choose not to instead but feeling all weird from not socializing enough and then not being able to tell the difference between fear of socializing and not wanting to socialize. Being in a social state gives you such comfort. It's a big fear eradicated from your mind as long as you are in a social state. I wonder why people loose their social state at all. I think socializing just isn't really how we are authentically so when we are on our own our authenticity deconstructs the social state. So the social state is also painful in a way as it undermines our authentic self. So there is a tradeoff. However a balance that fits oneself better can be achieved. In my case I get in touch with socializing through this while keeping much of my authenticity. ____ Visited my parents for two days. Talked a bit about feelings about the club I left and all that. Got me thinking about how fair I was with giving the leader of the club all the load of shit I went through at once. He was very supportive in some ways but also irresponsible in other ways. But he really tried. And the other shit wasn't his fault per se , but where else could I ever let go of steam. Got me thinking if I was fair to the other people in the club. It was such a subtle form of collective corruption most of the time that my response does make sense I feel. I do have problems to go in conflict so when I do there was likely a good reason for it. And my feelings are were evident of something being wrong. But maybe I overdid it also. I took so much inner conflict for all this time, I wanted it to come off as a fuck-off a bit, even though I might not really admit that to myself. But that this element is also baked into it makes me think that maybe there was some kind of trauma response in me, which doesnt have to do with the club itself. Thats why I would like to the leader of the club or someone but its very difficult.

Gosh...

lol, Owen Cook the devil. (https://frankyang.wtf/photo)

Frank Yang has great style!

Its a bit vintage and artistic but childish as fuck. But to each their own, maybe I just dont understand.

I am just wondering if you are addicted to real spirituality or a sweet idea or idealized goal of what a spiritual archievement would be like. If you are addicted to real spirituality, well its hard to imagine that this would lead to suffering.. I get of course that it can make you less capable and compedetive in other areas of your live but isnt the pursuit itself radiating a sense of importance or beauty?

I cant decide if this is a piece of shit in his face or the coolest beard ever. I gues thats what competition can be on a high level, winning or loosing big. I dont have the fullness of the beard below the mustache but I will give it a try as well.

Added a sizor for cutting hair and cut a little. I didnt really get the pony right and I look just a little retarded. I am gonna master that as well!

I feel emotional again and this time I dont really know where its coming from, like if there is an actual reason for it or still just what acting stirred up. Acting augh.

.krow ssenssuoicsnoc tuoba ylsuoivbo stI .ssenssuoicsnoc dna thguoht neewteb noitcennoc eht gnivresbo ylsuocsoc tuoba stI .ssenssuoicsnoc dna lavivrus neewteb noitcennoc eht gnivresbo ylsuocsnoc tuoba stI .si ti sa ssenssuoicsnoc gnivresbo ylsuocsnoc tuoba stI .taeskcab a ekat ot evah sthguoht ,gnik si ssenssuoicsnoc ,sdohte m rehto swollfnu ro ,dohtem niatrec a swollof osla tI .gnihtseretni stah t tub ,huH .ti ecuder nac yeht tub ,ssenssuoicsnoc hctac tnod sthguoht ,sgniht rehtO .deecneirepxe ssenssuoicsnoc fo etats rehgih eht htiw erefretni tnow hcihw era sthguoht eht ylno taht yaw a ni neppah dluow gniredro taht dna sthguoht redro nac ssenssuoicsnoc taht ,dnuora yaw rehto eht seog ti taht dnuora yaw rehto eht seog ti taht elbissop eb osla thgim ti oS .kcab ti gnignirb dna ,serutcip elohw a ot ti kcab gnignirb dna sliated eht lla tuoba esnes gnikam tuoba osla s’ti ,setats rehgih tuoba ylno ton s’ti neht tuB

I really like this post on the Blog https://www.actualized.org/insights/the-distinction-of-real-spirituality I realized that I already try to understand everything I come in contact with from a higher perspective: fashion, acting, politics, masculine, feminine, ... interestingly enough also Jui Jutsu. I did it as a kid and there is something to Jui Jutsu in particular which makes you question it from a higher perspective. Its not like boxing, ringing or something like that, its clear that there is another element baked into it, yet you cant really grasp it, but if you did all of this would come so much more naturally.. Anyway for spirituality I have got a few approaches but I dont think I really nailed it yet. I also dont know if its allowed to write my thoughts about it here.

I find it intriging how music can convey certain things other mediums cant. Like whats baked in there metaphysically that this piece pretty universally at least among humans conveys the sense of the sublime, infinity, god? Hows that possible? What are the limits to that?

I still have emotional fuzz today. This is often the case in acting that from bullshitting in acting there is a lot processing going on afterwards but you dont really know where the emotions are coming from as they were made up. You also sacrifice certain healthy instincts to make acting work, you deliberetly unground yourself. In nomal non-acting interaction and conflict people often act from a place of groundedness, they unconsciously feel into what authentic to them or what they want to show off and that act from that place. For people who are into acting its a little different, they sacrificed this grounded base and turned it into a clay of bullshit which can be formed accordingly. It gives new options, but its also a bluff.

The smile of this dude still haunts me. I mean its a really great smile, I give him that, but its obviously fake built into this choreographed gesture. Compare that with a fake smile of Donald Trump who cant hide his demons, this is night and day. He still seems immature and pure, wanting the fame badly, not having suffered a lot from the pursuit.

At impro acting today we played more games which involved emotions directly. Most games were more about story telling first acting second, now its the other way around and I feel much more alive. We discovered a list of tons of emotions we could play which was a complete games changer from our previous love, hate, disgust, anger selection. Interestingly all the lines and acting falls much more naturally to me when the emotion is given, rather then the objective. It was also very different because the guy who is at the festival didnt come and he was a bit the soul of that whole thing, so the whole group dynamic needed to adjust a little and it felt a bit like the old days half a year ago or so, when I came a few times. Made a little bike ride afterwards but forgot my headphones so that was hardcore solitude. I mean it was cool as well but the chill music yesterday really made it perfect, relaxing but still just a little stimulation. Now at home I have a hard time coming down. I think just opening up to the emotions there really got me all fissled up. Good acting which involves lots of emotions gets you fissled up and with adhd its harder to get to normal again. Thats just part of acting in theatre, cant blame my old club for that.

I just realized the secret behind styling blue. Blue by default has all these attributes: conformist, boring, a bit childish. So you have to wear blue clothes which have interesting shapes and material. Like cord, leather, baggy and maybe with some extra detail. The first one is a good example, without the baggy shape and detail it would look as boring and conformist as it gets but with the detail everything changes.

Just cut my own hair. 🥳🥳🥳 Kinda messed up, as I didnt get what my hairstyle was. On my right side I didnt have a fade really, it was something else and I cut right over that with 9mm. The transition between top hair and sides isnt really a transition as well, its more of a cutoff. BUT!!! my sides look a lot better, I personally feel I look much more attractive. And that was pretty easy. Its only the first time, I am going to master this. If I do it 100% on my own, it saves me about 30 Euros a month and I dont think my haircut is that complicated.