Jannes

I think you are spot on right. As I said I struggle to express myself independently to which gender. I remember when I was a teenager and I was watching something on YouTube in my room I always had my finger directly on the Windows button so that as soon as my mom would walk in I could click it to switch to the windows screen so my mom couldn’t see what I was watching (windows 7 or 8 I think)… Being ashamed of expressing oneself is in her shadow so I got that from her. Same with music for example. Its still hard for me to share the music I like. What really helped me was microdosing magic truffles in social circles. I got out of my old patterns and fears a bit and try out different stuff. And it’s not like alcohol where you forget half of it on psychedelics you really experience it. Also got a pill of mdma and thought I would give that a try because many tell that they needed just one mdma trip to get a new sence of feeling accepted.

I define my own success. I went from little attention from women with few failed approaches to a good amount of attention from women plus loosing my virginity. So that is MORE SUCCESS than before so shut up ? Also my point isn’t bad, you can’t do ANYTHING you want and I would like to know where that line is BECAUSE I don’t have that much experience. @flowboy ‚s point (with nude pics on the wall) literally sounds like a joke to me. But I guess it’s something that needs to sink in. I struggle to express myself independently to which gender. (Struggled to socialize in kindergarden and that left a deep wound in me..).

I think that really hits the nail. ? But I stand by my belief ultimately. Look would you take a shit at your bosses desk because you authentically feel like taking a shit right there? Would you go through the streets with nothing but a string tanga when it’s really hot outside?, Would you tell every girl the truth about what you think about her „Look I think you were cute enough for a hookup but I am looking for a relationship right now and you simply don’t match my standards.“ ? Our survival depends on society and so it has authority over us. Yes nobody likes somebody who never breaks any norm but at the same time we don’t want somebody who completely breaks out of them. And if something small (like my photo widgets) would make a lot of women uncomfortable it’s okay for me to limit myself a bit and putting something else on. For example I had a haircut half a year ago that looked so dogshit that no women wanted me anymore. Even though I liked it I changed my hairstyle anyway and have way more success with women now. And I am happier now and it’s not a big deal really I got used to my new hairstyle super fast. So certain compromises do make sense. But I see your point that you should do some things that she doesn’t like just to stay a men but I would reserve it to the things that are actually really important to me. Like I would never let a women tell me that I shouldn’t do psychedelics or that I should wear decent shorts in university ?.

Okay thanks then I know what I gotta do. Is this an option for a SUPER high consciousness relationship though ? Where you love each other so much that you like things that build a bit of distance between you two because 1) if that person doesn’t try to please you anymore the person is more his-/herself and so more of its beauty get revealed, 2) for truths sake, 3) you love them so much that you also lost the desire to control them so much that you welcome a little challenge that tests your ability to love them even against your own survival agenda ? Of course it wouldn’t just be me testing her ability to love but also she with something similar. I don’t kid myself, that’s out of reach for almost anyone including me ? Would still like to know your opinion if it’s possible.

Actually I can’t come up with a clear answer when I self reflect. I definetly have a lot of anxiety when in comes to women left in me but the feeling that people somehow have ultimate control over me or that it’s my duty to behave in their liking is something non gender specific that I have with a lot of people. I should reflect on that ?… I mean it’s not like I absolutely need the answer for my question. I guess this comes across as pretty pitiful. It’s just a small insecurity of mine and I accept myself for being insecure about it so I ask. But I am also generally interested in what women think of it.

I partly agree. What you are describing is the ideal. I recognize that I am not THAT much in my own power that I can just ignore other peoples opinion. (I tried to really push that but it didn’t work ?). You have to find a compromise that should move closer and closer to self autonomie.

Thanks!

2) I actually never a had a really bad trip. I would say half of them were positive and the other half were neutral and sometimes a bit challenging but never really bad. I am very careful with psychedelics (always follow the protocol) though and I only did a high dose once, the other times low to moderate doses. So I am still pretty inexperienced when it comes to potential risks so. Did you do low or mid doses ? I did lsd twice and I like it more then magic truffles because it’s more clear but it’s just so damn long that it’s a bit too much for me but maybe I can get used to it. 4) I sometimes microdose on magic truffles when partying or hanging out with friends and I see things a lot more clear as well that way. It definetly gives me motivation to be a better version of myself but it’s not that deep that I feel motivated to get enlightened. Is this similar or is modafinil different ?

thanks for your comment! Yeah maybe. My father was always is still is kind of a looser to put it in direct words (socially) and founding a family was something he might hadn’t fought of of being in his reach. Plus he demonized his own neglectful father for all of his own problems and so these facts combined probably made his kids his great mission in life. He flourished with us children. Although I really feel authentically loved by my father there was always a conflict in him between on the one hand the love for his role as a father which included his need to be praised and loved by his children and on the other hand what was really good for us. So as an example my father always overshowered me with prays because it felt good to him. But he often praised the most ordinary things I did and so I often miscalculated my abilities in reality. For example: In time of kindergarden I once did a bit of sack jumping and my dad praised me as usually how incredible I was for being able to jump in a sack. Then on my birthday we did a sack race and little me completely deluded that I was the greatest sack racer on the planet and then was devastated to the ground when all the other kids whizzed past me and I made last place. I cried so hard because I just couldn’t believe what happened. (I actually remember doing a sack race against another kid in the end of elementary school to face my painful defeat in the past. This time I knew that I actually had to work to win. I gave it my all and won :)) And him always being to late to bring me to school was just another symptom of his conflict. He loved the time with me when driving to kindergarden so much and also hated to push me to be faster so much that his other side got the better of him and so instead of pushing me to kindergarden fast because it was the best for me he rather dawdled with me because he wasn’t able to be a bit rough with me and cut the time with me. And the kindergarden situation with me not being able to defend myself. Yeah my mom definetly didn’t integrate her shadow and my father also not really or at least not completely. My parents just didn’t take me serious because they didn’t take themself serious. I remember that in kindergarden I already made the decision that I would become strong and independent as soon as possible because I saw how their advice was just completely over on reality and I wouldn’t survive with them. It also made me pretty angry that they lead me to make such stupid decisions and I saw them as responsible for my hell hole, so me abandoning them was justified was my thought process. And yeah today my parents are kind of surprised that when I moved out that I didn’t feel the need to meet them all that often. And my mom was kind of shocked that I also want to become independent as soon as possible and that it is really important to me to be able to finance myself.

Thanks for the advice! You are right I should be more comfortable with doing baby steps and have faith that over time they will lead me to a good place. It’s just that I lack the bigger picture of what is happening to me exactly which is scary because I can’t be sure that I move in the right direction or in what direction I move at all but I think that’s just very human.

So I tidied up my room yesterday and found some interesting powders that my old self bought like 2-3 years ago. Mimosa hostilis powders and Banisteriopsis Caapi and also wound gasoline. For a quick sidestory: I think I wanted to do dmt back then because I was basically really despondent and deep into Nihilism and was seeking a non-dual awakening because I was trapped in dualistic ups and downs and intuited that there had to be something outside of that. Like love and hate cancel each other out but there might be something like love for the whole thing or something like that. That’s how I thought about it back then although I never heard about non duality and never went deep into spirituality or actualized.org so I wanted to discover this further with dmt. Glad I found this Sometimes later in Amsterdam I ate some edibles where I had the feeling that two energies of neon blue and neon purple, one is happiness and one is pain created all the feelings. Sometimes they have the form of fine particles and sometimes they have more of an actual form. But they are never alone and always balance each other out. It felt like every emotion just had a focus on more of the one side but seeing it completely it was always balanced out. It was pretty challenging and it neither felt good or bad in particular. But it definitely humbled me because I heard that weed is like 1/10 of mushrooms power which is like 1/10 of dmt power and I knew shit could go REALLY BAD on a bad trip after that because I felt the power. And I knew I wasn’t ready for something that powerful and I should do mushrooms or lsd before that. But now I learned and grew a lot and want to do dmt. -> I found an online guide on how to extract the dmt out of the Misoma hostilis powder. It’s basically about decomposing the cell walls of the Misoma plant and then filtering the dmt out with wound gasoline. It says that I can make up to 1.3g of dmt with 100g of Misoma hostilis powder. Has anyone experience with this ? Is it easy ? Is the dmt any good ? And do you think the powder is still good after about 2 years (was always in the dark but not always in cool temperature) ?

@Human Mint Thanks! I will look into that website. I hope I get enough out of it for some trips.

@Cireeric yeah that’s my thought process as well. Maybe there are post offices near the boarder where you can ship it to. I did it sometimes in Germany where I shipped it to a “nearby independent post office dude“ idk how that’s called ? and I just collected it when I had time. But I think it would work with an “official post office“ as well. But honestly I have no experience whatsoever in something like that so my biggest fear is that I f*ck something up ?

@Cireeric I live in Germany as well and tried ordering it. When I selected Germany the website didn’t allow me to proceed, saying that they don’t ship this substance to Germany because it is banned there. Maybe it’s the same thing with other websites. I think it’s the same with 5meo-dmt and dmt but I am not sure. I am also thinking really hard on how to get these substances. I think it’s legal in Amsterdam, so a short round trip could solve the problem if you have the balls to do it, I mean it’s pretty much just 1 tiny very inconspicuous gram :).

I did magic truffles today with a higher dose then usual. 12g Atlantis truffles dried. Even though I didn’t reach a breakthrough I was so high that I pretty much lost my sanity and control over anything. Got very sweaty. When I was trying to drink water I spitted it out immediately because I lost some motor control. Moving my body was incredible difficult and took all of my strength even though I could only do it in snake speed. I moved and shaked like a madman and made quit screaming noises for hours. I was so gone that I can’t even clearly remember what I was going through but I definitely wouldn’t have looked out of order if you had put me into a cell in a madhouse. But even with all of that it wasn’t a bad trip. It was pretty challenging of course but I didn’t really feel bad. I was completely insane but I was okay with being insane and didn’t resist it. But my worry is that if I had a bad trip on this level of insanity I don’t know if I could have dealt with it because I pretty much lost control over everything. So my question is at what point do you think is the dose just to much? Do you only go so far that you always keep some level of self control or is it necessary to go into insanity to reach non dual states?

Yeah I think magic truffles are pretty similar to magic mushrooms. Magic truffles are very convenient for me because they are legal in my country, you can dose them really well and they last a good amount of time but also not too long. But yeah it’s probably a good idea for me to try out lsd or travel to another country to try out 5meo dmt or 5meo malt.

I just wanted to have fun with a few friends on the weekend with a bit of edible cake and Mario kart. We only put 0.7g of weed into the cake and I only ate around 1/4 of the cake. But this turned into the most insane trip I ever had. So here is how it went: After like half an hour to an hour after consuming the cake I was the only one who felt any kind of effect from the weed. I felt a bit more lighthearted, the top of my head got stimulated and I thought about things a little different. We got hungry and ate some pasta. When I picked up two noodles with my fork and wanted to put them to my mouth I noticed a little shaking of the noodles that were on my fork. I was fascinated by that so I just watched the noodles shake from very close while I was assisting my left arm (I am left handed) with my right arm so I could hold the fork up more comfortable. I got more and more fascinated by how the tiny shakes in my arms got the noodle to shake and almost dance. I know I looked weird but I just didn’t give a damn. I just loved watching that noodle ? Anyway I was just staring at that noodle for like 5-10 minutes and I felt like it told me a great romantic story. All the little shakes felt so … idk beautiful, lovely, romantic … The intuition that all small details in reality have their own little romantic story behind it worked through me and after some time I just lost it. I breathed heavily, tightened my belly, had tears running through my face, I had difficulties talking and my blood pressure began to rise while I was opening up to a incredible source of love and romance. I can’t really recall how I felt at the time but I just know that it was the most incredible feeling I ever felt. Maybe half an hour after this experience something else build up inside me. I was rebuilding connections to the people close to me. With my eyes close I saw 3 golden lines of love to reconnect with my mom, dad and sister. And once these connections were rebuild they immediately grew further so that on each end 3 new connections were build. And from these new connections grew more connections and so in this way it grew exponentially. Like a digital x,y coordinative System where you can just infinitely zoom out from and make it bigger in this way. And after some time of this infinite love expansion that felt incredible the lines grew in a 3 dimensional way. So you could imagine a x,y,z coordinative System that grows exponentially. And after some time this x,y,z coordinative System changed Form to a golden sphere. This sphere turned around a center of some kind of nothingness. The golden sphere threw off parts of itself. Maybe like sand that that flies away from a playground carousel with high speed and the shape of that pieces looked like golden rose leaves. I got really interested in this nothingness so I focused on the core of that sphere where this nothingness was. I am not sure how the transition to my next experience went but I think it felt a bit like going through this black nothingness tunnel. And then I really noticed how everything that is happening is not created by me but by some loving force. And I became aware that I no longer moved my head. My head got moved by absolute spontaneity but more importantly not randomly but with perfect intelligence and with perfect romantic intention like a genius componist who has the center of my head on his stick and moves it in complete flow. It probably looked like I was twitching my head like a crazy person. I was then also moving my finger and it also got moved with the same perfect spontaneous romantic movement as my head. After some time I experienced one more interesting thing that’s worth sharing. I experienced in full force my desire to reconnect with the rest of reality. Like this last piece right in the middle of the puzzle that feels so good to put in. I felt how I was this piece disconnected but now pressed into the rest of the world. I noticed how in a reflex way I couldn’t stop but push myself away while in secret whole heartedly hoping that I would loose that fight and that my hands would just break so I would get smashed together with the rest of the world. Like a paintball that just explodes when it connects with the surface. I was high for like 13 hours and 9 of them very high. My friends brought me back to my apartment after like 6 hours. I just fell on my bed with my belly and my shoes on and stayed high. After 3 hours I had the power to remove my shoes and jacket but still just layed there awake till morning. I definitely need some time to process all of this…

So I just dated a girl on tinder. Our date was just a walk through our town. I didn’t vibe with her and don’t want her as my girlfriend. My tinder profile doesn’t state what I am looking for. My question is is it morally okay if I ask her if she wants a F+ buddy? Rational robotically speaking there isn’t anything wrong with asking that imo because how else could I find out if she is interested in that if I don’t ask? But I think in this request it seems that there is something implied that is really hurtful for women. Maybe they think that from the start I just saw her as a sex object or smth. idk I am not very experienced when it comes to relationships. So is it possible to ask for F+ in a way that doesn’t hurt more for the women then just saying I don’t want to date anymore? I am 22yo and my date 19yo. Maybe that matters. And my date only has a “;)“ in her tinder description.

But I don’t think it’s possible if you see someone as "100% sex object“ from the beginning there definitely has to be relationship potential from the start which is only not strong enough to lift off. And if through some change the parsonalities fit better together then I think the classification can change.

Yeah I only made that point because I am trying to figure out why F+ request is worse then a direct breakup. I just feel like you sort people unconsciously and it is very hard to change the place where you once sorted someone in. That’s why it’s so hard to get out of the friend zone. Based on how you vibe with people so personality, common interest, worldview and yeah just the general flow. Is it comfortable to sit in silence together. Yes I think so. A hot person can become beautiful and a beautiful person can become hot. That’s how I see it but maybe that changes when I have more experience.

I actually have F+ with that person that just who just texted me again. I really though that was it but after more then a week she just texted me if I want to come over and we had a good time. The vibes were never as good. And I made very clear that I don’t want a long term relationship before. So it can definitely work. It was just really painful to set up for her and also for me because I felt bad that I hurt her. I made a lot of mistakes though and it almost didn’t work. I wouldn’t repeat the process even if I knew I would succeed in the end. That’s why I wrote the thread because I wanted to know if you can set this up without one of the parties getting hurt. For example I asked her after a date and a whole weekend together if she wants F+ which of course hurt her because she felt like this is going somewhere else. But my thought was that maybe it’s okay if I asked a girl at the start of a relationship and if I framed it a certain way.

I think that hits a key point really well. When you think about it logically saying that you don’t want to date a girl any longer would be worse then saying that you only want her as for sex. Because at least you give her physical approval instead of none approval whatsoever. So what makes the second thing so much worse is a underlying psychological process. There are women where I simply wouldn’t get the idea of just asking them for sex because I see them as potential relationship partner although if they asked me if I just wanted casual sex then I would of course say yes. Once we classified people in our mind in a certain way then it probably gets difficult to change that picture of them. And the change of relationship partner to just fuck buddy is pretty drastic so it probably doesn’t happen. And so it’s very revealing for a women because only if the guy saw her from the beginning as a sex object could he have made the change in his mind. That’s how I see it. Would be interested what you think. She clearly likes me. Don’t know if she is into me. Wouldn’t ask for F+ in that case.

To my surprise I got another option right now so I won’t ask her for F+. I still don’t know what I would have done. And I would still like to know what the best thing to do would be. I think it’s funny how impossible this situation is to solve clearly. You can’t be honest because that would make the women feel slutty but you can’t pretend you would like to be in a relationship with her because that wouldn’t be honest and lead to a lot of hurt for the women down the line. Maybe it’s something that can only happen organically. For example if two people are dating, having sex and having a good time but after some time they realize they don’t feel love for each other but have good friend vibes then maybe F+ could work. But that’s only my guess I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to relationships. And then the question remains what to guys do who don’t won’t a relationship but still want their sex need met? Are they in a dilemma where they either suffer themself or hurt other people?

Also her Tinder description is just „;)“ What do you think of that? It could be a flirty sign, a let’s have fun sign or let’s bang sign ?

That’s a great point. Many girls use guys for emotional support but would never have sex with them. It’s the same thing basically. Guys feel abused and not manly after that.