Jannes

"Deep love could heal me could kill me." - that was the main insight of my last mushroom trip. I crave deep romantic love so deeply as it could really heal some wounds. And I have quite a few yet I always had a feeling that they were healable. But I am so afraid of deep love because when it goes wrong I wouldnt know what to do. I am so sensitive to it, it could kill me. It feels almost like a gamble.

By being in the self help group for quite a few times now and also reading books about adhd I get a better and better picture of it. I notice that I could potentially be a very crazy, bold and energetic person. These are parts of my personality which I could just rarely express and only expressed in few intervals in my life when the social situation allowed it. Because whenever I did it didnt fit into society that well. Which is why I am in my head all the time, working to prevent more damage and also being intellectual of course. But whenever I was with a friend I trusted the adhd eneergy came out at some point but the amount of friendships I have had dropped over the years, at the moment I basically have no real friend. But also I am super picky when it comes to friends and relationships because I can quickly detect bullshit in other people (which is also what science says about adhd people) and most people are full of bullshit so its hard to find the right people.

A few more weeks until my employment contract (teaching 5th graders 5h at school a week) ends. I will update my impression later but there are a few things I figured out already. A class really does seem like a mirror of society. This was a big reason why I gravitated towards this job, to understand society better. A classroom is a mini version of society at large. But I dont know if I actually want that. I told myself that but maybe I deluded myself without noticing. Well I somehow want to be in this world and not distant but there is just so much bullshit (exploiting niceness and trust) from students that its hard to stomach. I dont know if policemen for example can just integrate the bs they see everyday and use it as an opportunity to step up their spiritual love for the world, in reality they probably become more blunt to hold emotionally together and survive. Thats where my theory came in touch with realities limits. I got the advice from two social worker I spent some time with that I will just become more and more blunt - "consumed". You need a hard core to stay the same in this job they said. Well I feel so out of my natural power - everything would be probably be pretty different then. Maybe if I was emotionally stronger I could shake it off more easily and actually step up my spiritual love for the world with this. There are some things which I deeply dont enjoy about teaching though: 1) students who dont want to learn need to be forced to learn. wtf - you get more and more acustomed to it but WTF. 2) to get order in the classroom you have to forbid all kinds of things. It especially hurts me when I cant let stundets express themselves. 3) You always need to confront people. I am naturally a mediator, this is really hard for me. There are other things I noticed that are really good about teaching though: 1) I seem to built a good connection with the class. 2) Its easy to speak in front of the class at some point. Like I am sometimes afraid of leaving the house but not really to be in front of a class because I am used to it. 3) Its not a super time consuming job. I am also pretty awake all the time because the situation demands it and with relatively few hours you can make a decent living and because it doesnt take a ton of preparation its easy to do. You can teach a few hours a day and basically have the rest of the day for yourself.

Had my weekly ADHD self help group session today. The one girl I was building a connection with didnt go this time. This made a huge difference. I didnt even really consider that what helped me wasn't adhd people per se but maybe her in particular who helped to calm me. (Well I was also pretty tired. I rode my bike a lot today. I am just reading a book about adhd and it has a section where it describes the benefits of sport for adhd.) People with adhd have problems with impulse control and that is especially noticeable in social situations. I dont know why but it helps me when I see other people also struggle with it but it does. Maybe partly because it helps to acknowledge and accept parts of myself. I didnt find another person in this group quite like the girl today. We just exchanged a lot of interpersonal communication which didnt happen with anyone else. It happened a little with another girl today. While people with adhd can have problems with impulse control, sometimes letting out subtle flirting, stares, ... because of it, people with adhd are also often very fast at picking these little things up so that they kind of pick "it" (unconscious interpersonal communication caused by poor impulse control) up from the root. There is kind of a balance. The session still helped me today, but not as much as last time.

So american tech companie shares crashed a little. Is it likely that they drop way further? I have another very wide spread fond which has shares in the whole world economy and active trader who monitor everything. Might be a relatively safe strategy right now.

How you best get sex is a serious question of contemplation as the need for sex is there, you cant stop that and how you fulfill this desire has a large effect on your life. I dont think hooker are a good strategy though as you will probably built a bad self image out of that. If you wouldnt take the path of least resistance is that really something you would choose?

@PurpleTree Is it unusual for fox news to not kiss trumps ass? Although there werent completly neutral fox news didnt really try hard to defend Trump here. But baybe Zelensky just handled the interview well.

Just had my weekly adhd session again. I just feel emotionally balanced right now. The waves flattened - a rare moment of strong inner peace. So much hinges upon me finding ways to integrate that state of peace more often because from that place can I find energy to do things. Without it I am just in constant survival mode leaking with untreated strong emotions and being unable to communicate it and get help from other non-adhd people. This self help group is a diamond I found. Nothing that lasts forever perhaps, but maybe I gathered valueable information I can keep for the rest of my life. Let's see I generally find peace by being honest which I knew before. In addition having people with similar issues might give that an extra boost. I also seem to learn a lot and get to a lot of peace when I communicate with other adhd people because they see little body signs of interest or distress and hold you and you do the same for them but always in a gentle way. When I am in deep emotional unbalance I need nothing more and nothing less then a gentle closeness like when a water strider carefully walks on water. I thought I was weird, but an adhd person can be sensitive enough to manage that. I can be. It's just a different way of interacting with the world with adhd. From easily getting a sensory overload and being distracted except for things that catch your attention for some reason a lot becomes very different. Maybe building an adhd friend group would help me.

I dont know the exact recipe anymore, I mixed a power which contained natron and activated carbon and I maybe two other ingredients. Was said that this would work well. When I had my yearly teeth checkup they said my teeth were in a bad state, they weren't clean and were weak.

I tried that and had very bad teeth after a short while.

Pretty expensive though. Is it well tested?

Sally & Harry <3 Sally loves Harry but Harry doesn't love Sally. But if Harry loved Sally, Sally wouldn't love Harry because then Harry wouldn't be Harry because what we love is connected to who we are. So Sally shouldn't want Harry to love Sally because then there wouldn't be anything Sally would love.

Why?

I am considering becoming a professional actor. I just did an audition and I am planning on doing more. From the acting I did in my little theatre group I can tell there are things I like about it: like the strong emotional and creative expression, the unfilteredness, the psychological component of grasping the role and so on ... and some things I dont like - like having troubles recovering emotionally from playing and that you are constantly lying to yourself - which in a certain way is almost more of a true thing because without acting you are still always lying to yourself but believe that you aren't - in acting you know that you pretend. But thats an issue I still need to figure out. So if any actors are on this forum please share your story. How it is as a career and maybe tell if and how you deal with the issues I described.

I had my (first) audition for an acting school today. It was really bad. First I only saw that I had the audition today because of a notification a few days ago so I didn’t prepare my roles properly and had to settle for one mediocre role which I took because I knew the text already and a complete new role I had to learn because I didn’t have anything studied from Shakespeare but that was a requirement. So yesterday I tried to learn pretty much the whole afternoon but couldn’t because I couldn’t handle my emotions until night. Then I studied through most of the night and still didn’t learn the whole text. Then had a four hour train ride the next morning which I used to learn text for like two hours and finally realized before the end being super super tired and my brain bearly working anymore that I won’t be able to learn the role in time. But I heard that they sometimes don’t want to see all four plays so I was hopeful I could get away with it - but what a waste of energies. The market seems pretty compedetive, many of the people there knew each other and had coaches. I liked the environment when we warmed up I even felt like I was one of the most opened up people there. So when I finally played my roles it was rather short. I started with my self wrote monolog which I was pretty proud of but it got stopped 1/3 in its track which was frustrating. Then I did another monolog which lasted like 1min and then they told me depending on the other candidates they might ask me to play one more role. I didn’t know if I was that good or that bad but I prepared for my last role which I ended up didn’t play anymore. They quickly evaluated the situation, one of our group of 4 got in the second round the rest didn’t. (You gotta pass round 1, 2 and 3 and then you are accepted) That was a little sad. The worst part was that we didn’t get feedback. But that’s often the deal with acting schools when they get to many applicants), some are nicer but you don’t get much of a present, you have to fight for that attention. Luckily a girl in first semester who guided us gave us a little feedback that we were a little stiff, not like crazy enough and pointed out that we didnt use our body enough. She said it doesnt even really matter that much what you say what’s important is that you speak with your body. That was her perspective but at least usable advice. I don’t feel good about myself afterwards and it didnt help that I was sleep deprived. I also didn’t attend to other acting schools just this one. So when I attend to the acting schools now it will take months until I finally have an audition. Little mad at myself for that. I also feel a little incapable. It’s not expected to just get a place first time but there is always this thought that you might get beginner luck or something and maybe a partial accomplishment would have been great. I am not really successful in other aspects of life either - I really fundamentally questioned myself there. So that seems to go deeper than I think. Still dont know what I really like about acting. Maybe I love everything about it but get burned out easily as well. It's emotionally very taxing as well and hard on socializing but there is no limit in your creative expression. I dont know if it's acting per se that I love but the creative expression it allows. For improvements in the next auditions: I need to open up more. It was okay but I know there is way more potential in me. People have always told me that my real self is hidden away. I don’t really notice that myself but it could be. And because I am not that emotionally stable it's hard to do heavy acting roles. What I found interesting - When you don’t live a life with high demands you can hide problems from yourself. But right here it’s unavoidable I have emotional blockades which make acting up to a certain level impossible. But I want to do acting well so I have to find ways to get better.

His suits look very stylish, thats a detail I value very much. I could imagine his usual ability to capture people with his speech gets multiplied in an in person event with a crowd.

Why do you think its fake?

Sounds good! This can sound quite offensive and outdated to women who live in more developed countries. A women can choose to live a household life but she can choose to be career focused as well. Excluding this potential of a women is offensive. Might be different in India idk. Damn can relate somewhat, watching straight porn just hurt at some point - like what is there to discover anymore.. Have you had a (long) relationship in your life?

Holidays are over so I had to teach my 5 graders math today again. I got some kind of assistent for Tuesday, I am not sure what her job is but she assists in all kind of classes it seems. It was a lot quieter today with her and a lot less stressful. She didnt do anything just her presence did that. I could really see myself working in such an environment. Its really not that stressful and I wouldnt even need to work full time, get lots of holidays and the work is okay fun. A very solid base to pursue my LP from. I am good at actually teaching yet though. Well I am at the beginning of my studies anyway. The thought of acting always comes up though. Actors seem to be freed in some regard which I love.. Open stage, performance acting also seems super cool. I just value excellence a lot so it's hard to pass acting studies. I also had my weekly adhd self help group session today. I regularly experience in this session typical adhd interpersonal behavior which is quite complicated but to keep my thoughts short it might result from an ability to be easily distracted and the ability to hyper focus (for small seconds) on certain body language things like the length of eye contact because that is perceived as important. (I actually found a few people with adhd with eye contact alone. Just that you sometimes hold eye contact just a little longer gives it away.) A person in this group especially mirrors my own behavior quite well and I seem to heal from that as I finally find understanding. I tried with so much force to behave more normally in the past with little success. My adhd behavior unintentionally created a lot of problems and I put so much blame on myself. Now I feel like it is okay, I am okay, I am not at fault. I found love for a version of myself from 3 years ago which wasn't so damaged. This personal emotional drama is all connected to LP. If you get personal problems solved you are freed up for LP stuff. If my emotional problems were all solved the LP course would have likely be way more fruitful for me - so I have no problem talking about these issues here.

I am breaking my 10mg Medikinet tablets into 1/8, 1/6, 1/4, 1/3 pieces depending on how I feel. I dont have a clear plan though, so it's not meant as advice.

From a regular persons POV that can kind of seem surreal - they have enough money to buy everything they could possibly want and could live a super rewarding life with that money but instead they keep on grinding. But a regular person never was in a billionaires shoes, never got a proper taste of power, wasn't exposed to the environment and people a billionaire is everyday, hasn't made the same subtle changes in their lense of looking at reality which justifies their extreme wealth as normal, isnt in their trance. And I mean it's also very counterintuitive to give up wealth and power, I feel like billionaires who spent large amounts of their wealth aren't praised enough. It takes massive amounts of development to do that. Also only a select few make it as a billionaire. People who dont have a grind mentality wouldnt have made it in the first place. It took and still takes time for me to realize that billionaires will keep on grinding to expand their wealth. But that realization is key for every member of society to collectively pressure the wealthy for wealth distribution.

Yes you are right he likely downplayed the situation but I dont think that "he kicked a dog for fun" is the truth either.

It's unfair to not tell the whole story. If at the end you still think he should be shamed for it thats fair but tell the whole story. From your half story it sounds like he just wanted to kick the dog for fun. I think there are different degrees of anxiety, other mental illnesses could be at play and no situation is completely comparable to the other - It could have been a very unlucky situation, where the worst possible reality that could have happened happened by chance. He could have had a really bad day not ruining it by doing paper work in another parallel reality for example. I dont think that excuses the situation but it makes it more reasonable and the person more human like. That he feels sorry for what he has done, did other posts writing about being ashamed for voting for trump seems to suggest that he has conscientiousness. Thats my take on it you can disagree of course.

This is real self actualization at play here, I love it. Let gettoefl be your north star! Well except maybe dont offer them that you can look after their house (and dog).