Jannes

I recently made happiness gains but through socializing not through spirituality. Being at a bar full of people you vibe with can feel so rewarding. This is my level now. I am looking forward to exhausting this though and going for the real gold.

I felt a bit hollow in the end though. Couldnt really find anything deep in me.

Even the girl who seemed like she was interested but who I only want to be friends with seemed super happy to see me. Men I worry so much about some things.. For a short moment I thought I realized a new quality of feeling connected, a sense of peace even. It subsided relatively quickly though and I was still good but not to the same extend. I cant really articulate but I felt like I changed a bit, like I got so used to socializing, a new quality was emerging. Talked to one of the girls who was new there. I was a bit nervous though which I didnt expect coming from a social mood. .. The artist girl was also there. I greeted her and she was super open but then turned away ignoring me like she always did actually and this time I just went away. She made a bit of a power gesture later grabbing me casually on the shoulder when she needed a pad to grap something, it had a light sexual touch to it. Generally I was just a bit more distant. I talked to a female friend about her two days ago and she told me she seems to have some daddy issues and needs attention and stuff but also that she seems to have a big heart. Maybe that was why I changed my mind a bit. But its all right, will be interested how this will evolve moving forward.

Blackpill is such a vibe killer, dont even want it in my system.

Eww ... I could train my neck and face muscles I guess but that would be ackward.

I dont like the blackpill vibe but there is probably some helpful advice in this:

This one girl I dont even really know offered to talk to me about my situation and I asked her for advice again. This feels so good. Its one of the key components for getting more comfortable socially.

One of the most important things for me to integrate seems to be to built a connection with someone. And there honesty is I think the most important thing. My first f+ gave me a giant confidence boost. She didnt take my bullshit and in a way I grew a lot from that. I would like something similiar again.

I think I need to make some kind of resumee about my progress so far with socializing. Its not really that I solved all my issues, but I figured out some of the roots of my problems.

Love goes through the stomach and I just got a stomach ache from eating too much wheat. Dont wanna let anyone close to me atm. Or maybe its that a friend asked me to go to the sauna with him. I am easily overloaded.

I think women value these traits but without some emotional touch these guys seem unrelatable und initially unconnectable. Ideally you have the full package. But also I think guys with a purely hard shell who cant be emotional are often lacking behind in their development somehow so that a guy can be emotional can actually be a sign that he has his life in order - friends, not depressed, etc. so he can effort to be emotionally playful. Yeah being playful is about having fun. It can be a strong shift from how you usually think.

I was always surprised how well acting feminine worked out. When I acted feminine I often thought that I stretched it too far, that she will be unattracted to me now, but no it kept working.

I just dont know if my reaction to the girl who put a lot in was natural or completly trauma based. Did I just get a gift and couldnt take it? It could get hairy when that girl who asked for my number will be at the social spot as well, if I go for something casual anyway then rather the the first one. Not sure how to manage that.

Damn Michael Jackson really was a personality, its like everyone is a different variety of vanilla compared to this other flavour of Michael Jackson. His ideas are obviously an ideolized fantasy, if they were to be implemented a lot of child abuse would happen.

I want to sit there, lost in thought, looking at this beautiful sight, when she sees me, sits next to me without saying a word and enjoys the sight with me for the next 3 hours until it gets dark.

I already nailed socializing last friday evening. I wonder if I reached these states before and what had stopped me then.

I need some kind of structure, goals, things to work towards besides socializing despite socializing being maybe the most important thing to do for me right now.

I dont know how to talk about my observation in my old theatre club especially, that girls will just cheat and lie to get you, when you have enough status or give them enough emotional stimulus. Its like I am on the top of the mountain here and need to explain things myself without getting anyones support.

That time at my social spot when this girl asked me for my number, after I walked off I made a funny devil gesture to a girl I am friends with and who witnessed what was going on. Interestingly enough another girl introduced herself to me shortly afterwards as well. Maybe its just the positive vibe that I gave off, or maybe she liked it that I took it lightly and seemed to not look for something long term. In my old theatre club I felt like I could never cross that bridge, being openly interested in casual hookups and people being okay with it. Well they acted like they were.. -- wait yeah, they acted like they were.. Well I guess its more that I perceived walls that didnt really exist in that way?

I screwed something up with the tea, it definitely wasnt as strong as usual. "Wahrhaftig zu sein ist wie ein Flughörnchen in das Auge des Sturms zu springen, Sich nicht für Wahrheit zu interessieren ist den Sturm mitzunehmen." I literally thought about situations that happened in my old theatre club, what the hell. I keep underestimating how much grip this still has on me. I guess I am still grapling if I want to give it a second shot. I enjoyed thinking about spiritual topics but I lost my focus relatively fast unfortunately. I really only want to be the way I was before I felt like I needed to be different. I was perfect as a child. Its interesting that from all the people I experienced a connection with was with this incerdibly emotiolly sick dude from the adhd-self-help-group up to the point where he expressed that he felt a connection. Yeah its really really hard for me to let people close to me. Thats something I have to learn. I had to put my attention on the things currently going on. The situation with the girl who put a lot into it for example. Its a whole mess when I look at it from this higher POV. She really put a lot in but I am just not capable of going along.

I psychologically recovered a shitton. Maybe I should open up about my fears sometimes. Its just when I present myself in this way I can seem a bit crazy/ emotionally unstable .. which I am .. but that could move people away ..

Yeah ... They were all perfectly fine, even being more close and nice to me then usual. My fucking brain and trauma men .. No wonder that I cant open up when I unconsciously expect to get stabbed when I fall out of line even just a bit.

Almost fell asleep twice in a 20min meditation session. Wonder if I am just tired from waking up earlier, or if there is lots of emotional stirring that makes me sleepy.