Jannes

So being around guys is actually really grounding. I helped a guy with his couch today. What is good about it that some of the emotions are just taken out, its a little more rough and direct. Well and being outdoors and doing hard physical activity also helps. But I also questioned myself a bit. I am not really good friends with this guy and then helped him for multiple hours like that. I stood up early and put all of this in. I am really bad at looking for what I actually want. And I was kind of even the highest status person there by a mile. Thats a really ugly animalistic dynamic to examine but I was a bit uncomfortable having way more status and it felt like they were just a little confused as well that I played the supporter. I didnt really feel comfortable in this dynamic, but really free and king-like -- for a while at least. I kind of regret leaving my old theatre club in such a way. But also with all of this built up frustration its understandable that I reacted that way. An old friend of mine, with whom I passed ways with in a painful way left two Whats-Apps groups I was also in. I kind of wanted to write him a letter for a long time, now I finally feel emotionally stable enough but its like more then a year ago and it feels a bit like a chore. Its really difficult to write that letter. Later a friend asked me if I want to go to a club in my city with him. I was in the mood for that. It was techno style. It started pretty harsh. I was on the floor, not really warmed up and a girl danced there in my direction and I didnt really get it. Then another guy just went there dancing in her direction and she immediately got pretty close to him. Clubs are just so harsh. I wanted to push through it, but instead gave myself some empathy. That proofed to be way more effective as it built me back up and I even had some joke ideas of how I could uncomfortably flirt with the guy to push him back from the girl. Went downstairs and randomly while people were passing buy talked to a group of girls and kind of got to know them. With one I played table soccer. I feel like whenever I am lost I find people. Then my friend group came around. The combination of these things really brought me into a decent social state which I havent experienced for a long time. Not sure what happened but the social dynamic made a little drop because I think some thoughts from me came up and well I still felt pretty decent but a guy just looked at me and gave me a hug, telling me that I could relax which I hated because I just felt like I made some progress. And then another guy did the same. Its nice obviously but also it feels a bit degrading and the longer I stayed there, the more I felt like the vibe was dropping so I went outside for some air. Always looking to follow the vibe. Wasnt sure if thats what you should do or sometimes push through it. Outside a girl noticed me alone and asked if everything was alright. She integrated me into her group and I got some support. People can be so loving sometimes. What I also learned and that is huge, to be more in control in social situations when it comes to being inside the group or not. Like its okay to go outside for some air, or go upstairs on your own, or... I am not sure what it is but I kind of either needed others support, so I was on their ass all the time or I joined them because I felt like I needed to. Socializing is way more free, because people feel more free. They arent triggered or scared when you go away for some time .. like me. (maybe?) This is just so much more natural.

True that, I hang out with them. But for a leftist, thats like the best case scenario. Imagine an immigrant or trans person did the assassination.

I kind of feel like a bitch for not using the opportunities, for example getting closer when I sat next to her. I dont want other people to see me as insecure or incompetent. But really that was a trap in the old theatre club. Well I had other reasons for not sleeping around there as well but here there arent as many reasons. But because she put so much into it, I kind of held her on the level of a gf material but she wasnt my type so that created confusion. Dont want to hookup with someone I emotionally invested so much into it, that could feel bad. THATS IT, THATS AN IMPORTANT POINT

Well she wants to get intimate obviously. But as a whole, she also introduced me to some of her friends. Still think that she is poly.

So isnt that a huge deal that he isnt a leftist, an immigrant, transgender or whatever the right wing demonizes???

I really want to feel myself. I usually dont. I might have to prioritize that more. ... I still dont really know what the agenda of that girl is and I probably overthink it..

Made a long walk. The best thing I could have done for myself probably. I was such an emotional mess. I was laying on a bench at the sea, watching my city from the other site while it became dark and all the light light up. Having a really authentic connection with one person and sitting on the bench together there, thats what my soul craves. I hoped that I would have a clear direction afterwards, but no..

I NEED MORE CONSCIOUSNESS

Or maybe this actually feels like a loss for him and he cant deal with emotions so he is distracting himself. Just speculating.

If I want to write her, I dont want to wait too long though as then this seems to heavy. I just dont want to mess anything up, most things dont need to be said, they are already clear.

I kind of blocked some inner growth distracting myself with Youtube. I think if I went through all of that very consciously, I could have maybe created a different situation.

... The answer is self care right now.

I dont get it.

The fact that nothing worked out ever pretty much implies that I am the problem. But its not like I am not trying hard.. There is an insight I am missing I think.

My inner storm is calming a bit. But what I left is not okay. NOOOO

This sounded better when I was emotionally unstable in the morning.

Had this rational thought before I woke up. Unconsciously I have all this desires and traumas that I unconsciously express. Then people act upon that, but consciously I dont even want to take the response my unconscious system has created because it isnt fully in lign with my unconscious.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

I had a appointment with this guy and I missed it yesterday. Then he took the whatsapp text below the picture out. So in my emotional mess I was telling him that. AAAAh when I am emotionally in such a place I should just wait it out, wtf am I doing. He already responded telling me a good morning, that he thanks me for my honesty and that he wishes me a good day.. could also be french for fuck you.

It could have been love bombing. But I dont want to justify my own stupidity when in reality she was actually extremely emotionally generous. I AM SO CONFUSED!!

There was a guys friend of the girl who put a lot into it. He kind of stared at me twice. Once like three weeks ago when the girl put a lot into it out of the blue and today as well when we seemed more distant. Especially today. Well it is how it is, I am not able to take this kind of closeness and she isnt really my type gf wise. But she built such a great vibe, on my own I play lower level games.

A disappointing evening. For one the girl who put a lot of warmth into our connection was significantly more distant today. Well I didnt match her energy so that makes sense. And I was wondering what her goal was.. There were a few moments today where she seemed to test me, a few times she came really close looking me into the eyes and there wasnt much space between our lips. I have a poker face in these situations though. I just naturally couldnt match her energy. She sat next to me once coming close and snuggling a bit, when I sat next to her I came as close but didnt touch her body. The thing is, I enjoyed that closeness, but I didnt have it in me to match that. Obviously that kind of killed the vibe or at least I felt so. I can resist, but I cant make something happen with the same energy. So there seems to be some kind of overestimation on myself. I wanted to built my state but I kind of couldnt. If you spent like 5 hours socializing you have to be careful with your energy anyway. To talk about something I even randomly talked about this K-Pop romance thing I watched which also seemed a bit like a vibe killer. Men I just felt so incredibly incompetent today.. Even at the goodbye I didnt really match her hug, I let myself hug way more then I put in. The artist girl didnt come today. I am friends with a girl there and she told me that the artist girl seems to have a bf. I really didnt expect that as she asked for my phone number. I want to go back in the ring goddamnit.

I was doing some research on K-Pop-Boy-bands as I found the phenomena of very feminine men very interesting. And I stumbled across this video. Never watched anything like it, a bit overdramatic but wholesome at the same time. Let em be.