Jannes

What is interesting is that usually I like to analyze all the social dynamics happening but I get less and less interested in that. Well things are pretty obvious and for the ones that arent, thinking endlessly about them doesnt really help.

Its such a survival pot this social spot on thursday, so many people at once, combined with having weird connections with some of them there. Its hard to get at ease there. And when some people leave many of the attractive girls arent there anymore and I feel exhausted. That girl that put so much in didnt come today. This was one of the reasons why I felt unease coming today, I really couldnt take all this closeness so fast, even though I really enjoyed being around here. On the other hand its nice being around the artist girl. These are so many dinamycs which are emotionally pretty though for me. Tomorrow is play time at the social spot on wednesday, wohoo ...

I have lots of mixed emotions going to my social spot today as I will meet like 3 people at least where the relation is kind of weird. I really feel how I pressure myself and how that is weighing on me. The way is through ofc.

Just watched an old video of myself commentating video games. I have weird emotions about it. I definitely wasnt happy in that time period. It all seems a little forced. Its still the same but not as much. Because of adhd I experience things very intensily and have a sort of humor that not everybody can relate to. And I am also sensitive and stuff. Maybe thats why I never really opened my core and why I want to open up to some other adhd people.

Great social evening today. Guess the lesson is to isolate yourself in your room for two days and watch pokemon videos to boost your social skils. I had so much energy from taking a pause though, maybe thats the right lesson.

I enjoy time on my own right now. I feel like even though a natural balance takes place in that I naturally need some time off after socializing a lot or need connection after long isolation its also true that the more I socialize the more I crave it and the more I am on my own the more I crave that. I feel like I exercised a lot last week, had a good rest now to the point of getting comfortable and now I dont want to get back into exercising.

Any updates?

Notes yesterday before bed: Felt some "psi-energy" going into bed. Then saw interesting colors. A color plate of powerful colors with black around. Energetically charged in a way. Then some woo/magic sort of energy. Ravens, vodoo and this sort of vibe. Power but not in a nice way. While this was going on I processed the story about my old club and a story about a girl in the beginning in particular. And I felt powerful.

I feel like this triggers some inner discomfort in me. Not sure when I ever reached this level but it does seem rare.

We often try out all kind of things to fix something. Yet for some reason I never committed to a relationship.

All the social skills I want to have exist on a level I am not comfortable with -- where letting people close to me is normal and opening up sacred parts of myself as well. The key to getting more comfortably socially is by opening up and healing. Pick up is a strategy to avoid that inner process. I will articulate why another time..

The reason I am confused over socializing is because I grapple with an invisible force, my bad experiences in the past. ... Was my goal with pick up to defeat this shadow from the past .. ?

Maybe I could write a book mentioning all the things that cant be put into words.

Been really tired for the last two days. Just a lot of processing is happening I think.

Gosh, what a robotic voice.

Almost two weeks already. Need to keep that in check.

The picture of an awakened person is one of a person with opened eyes. I feel like this is a depiction for those who want the gooddies but dont want to do the practice.

A tat too fluffy for me. Although the music is great and I did reach a few high consciousness moments.

I thought about doing Youtube. There are a lot of topics I am passionate about, like minimalism, random ideas, etc. Also Pokemon a bit, that could be a start. Its weird though, I am kind of afraid of putting my authentic self into it.

Men did I have weird dreams today. First weird dream was that my dad made a bizarre car crash. For some reason he thought that crashing in a controlled way backwards is a good way to stop the car. Our whole car got surrounded with people who were interested to see whats going on. My dad usually drives extremely safely though, maybe thats why it was a bit bizarre. Then I was in my childs bed and some random boy showed up. I said to him, I wonder as which part of my personality you manifest and he crawls into the bed to sleep. I hear the alarm of my sister or mom to wake up and I tell the boy that I will talk to him as soon as the person goes downstairs, so they wouldnt think I am crazy talking to a ghost. Then the boy goes thats not how its done and vanishes. Then some really crazy coloured punk-ish girl shows up and confronts me. She confronts me saying that I am a supper immoral person because I get a bunch of chances but dont actually take them. I know of course what she means, I got a lot of dating options, but am picky about it/ have concerns. - Its an interesting point because these options arent for free of course, women put energy into it. And the last one is my mom knocking wildly at the front door of the house screaming let me in. Of course I would let her in, I dont even know whats the matter. Explanation would be that she hates her job and wants to start her pension.