Jannes

I miss my 5XL Jeans which I was wearing with a belt some time ago. I was super overdoing it for fun but wearing that thing was so cool, you had so much air at the legs, the pockets were super deep and like open because the jeans didnt squeeze on your body. I put it away because it was getting ridiculous but now I want it back.

After my visit at the psychologist for the adhd diagnosis I went for a walk in that area. I wrote for my diary and then I found a kik which is a super cheap clothing shop. I was there for like 3 hours, making all kind of experiments and bought two beige trousers for 23 Euros in total. This is ridiculiously cheap and obviously involves cheap labor somewhere in the chain. The experiments I made were very interesting though. It seems green trousers dont match with my style. I overrated beige in my mind, its still okay though. Dark Jeans look very good which I didnt really want to accept, because they look conformist as heck. Interestingly I was already on the right track with my black Jeans, I just need more colorful shoes and tops so it becomes more interesting. And a black Jeans with a bit more pop maybe.. , well I already got a womens baggy Jeans, so I was really searching. Next step would be tailor made clothes.

Socializing went well yesterday at my social spot. It's interesting to me right now that I even mention it explicitly like a routine, that I wasn't full of fear or that awkward things happened. Which just shows how far I have come. And a deeper sense of confidence is slowly built up I notice. I thought that I would get my diagnosis today but I will only get it next week. No iq test as well, so I dont even need to face my fears it seems. ---- My feelings about my old club really work through me. I am swinging back and forth. I mean you break up with someone best by leaving for good and by breaking up all contact. It's kind of the same with the old club, I know if I go there, chat with a few people, maybe go out to someone I am emotionally involved in all of it again. I am scared of that overwhelming me. The decision to leave was already so hard and I feel so much better now. Haha I said in the adhd diagnosis test that I wouldn't be scared of overwhelm, but to a certain extend I am. Tomorrow and Saturday are the latest shows of a big play they have where the whole club is involved, so it would be the perfect chance but also another sign of myself if I don't go. ---- I had two people yesterday telling me quite personal stories. Both of them shared personal things with me before though and it's not like I am the only one who knows this. I also got like two opportunities for socializing yesterday. It's all a little much actually. ... I don't even really know what I want in a social context! It's obvious that I am really really selective. A variable about how I feel about socializing is also my development. If I feel like an outsider inside with little confidence socializing feels very different then when I am confident.. I didn't had a good connection with my ex F+, but I really enjoyed the dynamic of just having one or a few people to stay in touch with. Yeah that's what it is I think, a few people I really flourish around.. ---- I just don't think that with everything I said things will fundamentally be different in my old club.. maybe.

Wow, I didnt know. Only LSD or other psychedelics as well? Did he say the street the store was in?

@theleelajoker Your body builts up tolerance. It depends on the dose but I usually took two weeks off after a trip. The higher the dose the longer you have to wait to trip again. For microdosing you need at least 1 day of recovery. When I did it every second day I noticed that the effects became weaker so maybe 2 days of recovery would be optimal.

Maybe I should just start my day with body doubling. As always I got something done with body doubling.

There is a bit of a weird connection with one girl of the old club going on. I got little signs of interest which turned into signs of letting go. There is a huge emotional backstory and so with that good reason for why I feel conflicted about it. But this just made me so emotional today and I thought I was over it. There are just different levels of emotions, today I stood at my own wall in the room to listen to music.. I dont even understand whats going on. Thats one part of my old club, completly uncapable to process these strong emotions and finding no one to help and emotionally bleeding out.

Thank you for putting in the work.

@Schizophonia Its emotional territory for him. He said he wasnt ready to talk about what happened to him maybe a year or so ago and only recently revealed big parts of the story.

No I meant to quote the thread. Here he said it.

Said and done. Into a body doubling session now. Maybe I was just stalling in the face of progress. My old club also moved me emotionally so much so I guess there is a lot of processing going on as well.

Yeah it always left a bit of an aftertaste in me, the worlds richest men creating simple homes for the rest. But it honestly does give people a lot of freedom back. Its not luxury but everything a person needs.

Okay yeah thats true, science doesnt show evidence there. But for Leo it may be different because of the other health problems he has. He said that his health probems combined with heavy psychedelic use caused brain damage. Its possible that Leo confuses these things. He didnt say how he came to the conclusion that he has brain damage, if he literally got a brain scan from the doctor for example that would be hard evidence. I just think its unlikely that Leo would make such a simple error in judgement even with his brain maybe being his most emotional territory.

Today is kind of the day to get a lot of things done, so I overslept and got into Youtube addiction again. Put my blocker on youtube again and hopefully doing body doubling sessions next.

He wrote himself that he had brain damage, thats not something you say for no good reason WTF . ... I had this bias for psychedelics, that I desperately needed them to be healthy because they made my life worthwhile, experiencing god at some point etc. so in one discussion I just couldnt digest the truth that they may also cause some brain damage.. But its all a balance, psychedelics also increase your intelligence in other ways. When you trip once or twice a month on a moderate dose, give yourself time to integrate and recover then you will probably get most of the goods with relatively little bad stuff.

Read it yourself:

That sank in the last couple of days. This takes the biggest reason why I have bad feelings about the club away. So there is no reason to abandon them in particular if I want to socialize at all. Just like that I am thinking about getting back in touch. I still have really mixed feelings about it though, if I want to go back it should feel right.

I think I could really benefit from some tea. 🍄

I was rolling in my bed thinking about all my social problems before sleeping, right after sleeping, I hate that this puzzle seems so unsolvable, I have rarely been so immersed into something. One thing I should maybe do is ask for advice. Its just not easy to actually find a serious person I have a good relationship to. The other thing is maybe I am just expecting to much. I mean I do ask myself the question of whats going wrong socially because something is out of balance. I am not getting my social needs met and I struggle to do so. But I also have tons of baggage from the past which limits me. So even perfectly going about it with just my conscious self (and my unconscious self hindering me) its probably just not possible to get the type of connection lets say a person with a healthy social past could get. So maybe I need to change my expectations. Improvement is betterment, to feel fully connected and at peace is hard to reach.

Thats kind of the narrative of culture although that is changing a bit. And it is also true most of the time that women seek serious relationships instead of hookups. But of course there are women who like casual sex. But this kind of hits a wall in me somewhere, it just feels antithetical to a womens goals to go for casual sex, from a biological point of view but also from an emotional point of view. The times I had casual sex this always left me wondering how to make sense of it.

I was thinking about a vacation programm for people who want a restart with their style, possibly a restart in their life. Next to the hotel would be a huge cloakroom where you can take any clothes you like. The problem is that we often think about how certain clothes fit next to our other clothes or we dont dare to try a new remake so we kind of stay locked. At this place you could make completly new outfits everyday. After you wore the clothes you can just give them back to be washed and offered again. Of course that would kind of be a second hand service. To make it more eco friendly you could maybe also bring clothes and take other peoples clothes in a trading section. Imagine you spent a month there trying a new outfit every day, at some point you tried out everything and hopefully really know your flavour then.

Also scared that I might embaress myself or that I thought more about myself then what I actually bring to the table or that I miscalculated and someone isnt actually interested !! The direction of progress is always where it is uncomfortable.

Its interesting, I had a bunch of conceptual philosophical talk in the short time period where I had my philosophical seminar for 3 days. Not sure what the value really is in that, generally my 'thought and insights' seem to have transitioned more from philosophical to spiritual although I cant really pin that down because I have no finished definitions for either of these things, but one difference is that philosophy is more conceptual and spirituality has more to do with insight and direct experience.

havent finished that one yet though

I kind of cramped everything into this journal, even my philosophical and spiritual insights. But thats problematic because I will just loose them in this journal.