Jannes

I need to go outside tomorrow again!!! This is maybe the best thing I can do for myself, so much fu*king inner clairity. I get some post tomorrow, but I can get it from the station as well.

Saw an old club member walking by. I greteted them, they didnt greet my back as well so I started to roll my eyes when they immeditately greeted me by my name. Theatre people are fast at reading body language. I think they dont know if I hate them, as I just left without goodbye, so they are careful. I just didnt find a way ever to talk about what was going on.

Gosh it's great to be outside, I am just in the middle of a long walk doing a break at the sea. I have to approach this remote viewing thing differently kinda. Well my current strategy is clever of not taking it to seriously but the reality is that if it worked it would be so great that it would change a lot and so it's a big variable. The clever strategy is to find out if it's real or not quickly. Also regarding spiritually, I don't think I am ready yet, I would like to have a beautiful dream. Something simple. (Picture of Logan Paul with energy drinks) The closest thing to a beautiful dream I can imagine is a theatre. When I was in a production I was always really happy. But I realize that I just can't stomach people being very immoral. Like many people from my old club, the degree of cheating, lying was just something else. And I don't even think they are particularly immoral people. So my way out is being more introverted, but I don't want that. ... there is a lot of important emotional inner work happening when you are out by yourself but also our of your room. I want a cool baggy jeans. Most look bad, like stupid and simple. I had a baggy one which was way to big, it had balloon legs. I put that away but honestly it rocked. Want something with the same feeling again. I heard that it is really therapeutic to read through past entries in your journal. I hope I remember to do that when I get home. Still some more thoughts on the walk. I felt my emotions coming back strong and beutifully, just had a beautiful vision of how I could manage a situation with love, felt so at home, so real and grounded. I might have to change my whole relationship towards girls. Leo wrote in his blog that you shouldn't look for spirituality in human games. I guess so.

I just watched an hour of south park from a trial subscription on paramount. My mind feels fried, its very unhealthy to me. Everything that is digital and too stimulating isnt good.

Just bought another festival ticket for in a week. I feel very conflicted, well choices are hard for me anyway. Its the festival the guy of my impro acting invited me to and it feels like a once in a blue moon opportunity to built a friendship with a person I actually care about. And I dont do a lot otherwise atm if I am honest with myself. But on the other hand it feels a bit forced, its expensive and I dont know if I really want to go to another festival, the first was pretty rough. And I fear that maybe when its a bit forced it doesnt go well exactly because of that and I ruin an opportunity for friendship exactly because I try to hard. AAAaaahhhh Spelling out what I fear about it helps though.

What a wonderful documentary. Its an interesting case study for how people could live together if they were very mature to each other. This women is the most real person I have seen in a long time.

Didnt take the train and feel a huge relief. I wasnt emotionally in that space. But now I am feeling a bit like a looser which I didnt anticipate. I see directly the limits of my mind in front of me. I want to consciously outwit the unconscious but in doing so I get lost in battle. How do I not get fooled?

I am debating with myself wether I want to go out or not. I would need to drive for more then 2 hours, party the night and then come back. I am not really feeling it, but I dont want to give in to fear as well. Its hard to figure out whats authentic.

I cant cut my hair with my electric razor unfortunately though.

Wow, didnt know you could do that. Now I just have to find the right turotial for my specific haircut.

I have got some happy emotions coming up towards the perspective of becoming a teacher. Its understanable that after investing so much into it, in the midst of getting serious about changing my degrees, I will have some backlash. I need to navigate that consciously and seperate what is real from backlash.

Was searching when I made the post about my haircut, so it seems to be about 3 weeks. My hair doesnt look good anymore, its always the same thing, after 2 to 3 weeks it looks significantly worse, but getting your hair cut every 2 weeks is really expensive, not sure what to do about it.

You can keep a line like the dude in this video. Looks very good.

On Helloween on an event I once played a bloody chainsaw person in custom with a real running chainsam (without the chain of course) scaring kids for money.

determinism is relative. Determinism is relative. From an absolute POV it might be absolute, but from your POV it is not. You feel like choices are real and there is no escaping that. Even artificially putting yourself 'above it' telling yourself that "determinism is real" you dont escape anything, as it is a choice you do INSIDE of determinism. I like this analogy as well. The POV of an ant in an ant colony is basically deterministic, its clear what the ant is going to do. Even though I am not an ant, I imagine from the POV of the ant it is not conscious of determinism and survival feels really real to the extend that this limited sentience allows for.

Not sure if I want to put them on the thoughts and insighs thread: Its easier to live in society as a humanized animal then a humanized alien.

Much of the progress I made so far was finding out who I really am especially in a social context. Many things became clear to me which put me more at ease with sozializing. I understand and accept now that I am not that extroverted and that I only vibe with very few people so I dont have to be bestie with everyone. I also know that I have certain strenghts like building a very deep connection if I want to do that. So in a sense not much has changed but everything has changed at the same time. I am still mostly by myself, but I understand why, accept why and am at peace with it. And for the times when I do feel a little lonely, because I understand all of these dynamics better, I fall into less traps and delusions and can therefore socialize more confidently and better as well. Plus I have body doubling. Honestly a session of 1 on 1 body doubling a day already keeps me into somewhat of a social state, its only when I dont go out and dont even do body doubling that I really drop out of it.

Anyway to break that fear, I was in a mix of of a bit of fear and procastination and new confidence. I got the idea of going out to clubs more and gathered some really creative unholy ideas.

I am holding back a little from posting everything because I am somehow paranoid that people I know will read what I write here. I mean in the end there is nothing I write here that makes me guilty of anything but still.

Wanted to research the ghossip with Jeff Bezos hacked smartphone and found this photo of him online. I love this trousers -- didnt expect I would find fashion inspiritation from Jeff Bezos. I have to get a baggy trousers though, I am not that buff. I am a bit into fashion right now which obviously stems from socializing more.

I just had a dream about my mid school bully. After high school I had those very frequently as I grounded myself more and more I became more powerful around him, but for years now they completly stopped until today. This time I defended another class mate from him and then overpowered another intimidating class in a bit of an bizarre trial of strengh. My only explanation would be that I sent a voice message to the leader of the club where I presented my position.

I have this gay trait that I cant stand it when other guys are unkempt. I cant take this.

The skin around your nuts is surprisingly sturdy, even with all the foldings I rarely cut myself back when I shaved it -- Although maybe not that surprising because biologically it protects your potential for reproduction so its a high priority. I dont shave nowadays anymore but I trim to 7mm or less. It makes a huge difference visually but it doesnt prick pretty much at all. So: I trimm my balls to 7mm or less, keep the hair on my inner leg and trimm my pubic area down to 0mm, but that is personal preference. This gives me an easy pretty clean look without any discomfort.