Jannes

I notice however that I am always in these survival games looking who might be interested and who is not. That really drains me and doesnt make me happy.

I feel really good. Life really doesnt feel like constant suffering when you have friends you see when you go out, games and all of that.

Socializing went super well today. I even got back into playing good table tennis and I also had more control in what I was doing. I could connect with people I previously struggled with because holding the connection felt overwhelming. I didnt have quite the same crazy energy as usual but I felt really good. At the very end some struggles I had before actually came back where I didnt know whom to say goodbye and at which point so I stood there for some time.

What is problematic is that after years of not getting shit done I am trying to learn something mysterious which made even be a scam and it will take months to even see result. It may be of benefit to learn knitting on the side as well because that could give me a small victory, motivation and a sense getting things done.

Its important to built a bond with the teacher it says in the book .. Well its not like he is a wrong person or anything but I struggle to get onto the same wave frequency as him, the chemistry seems to be organically a bit off. Stefan Franke would have been better perhaps but so much more expensive. Welp the chemistry can still improve with him.

Second RV session for today. It didnt go well judging from the result. I thought I finally got it at some points and I was exactly dead wrong in these moments. My remote viewing training said that it is normal to have a massive dip in performance after the first session and it takes months to get good. Well I never even had a peak really. Well maybe 5 years back with Stefan Franke was probably my strongest performance. I would like to test how chatgpt would stack up to see if the few things I got right would match the average luck one would statistically get with zero skills and just guessing.

I am weirdly closely in touch with myself right now.

Did my first RV session with my new protocol. Got almost everything wrong and it wasnt that fun. Just a sober analysis. Good that medication helps with stamina.

The way how my adhd-self, and my medicated adhd-self are in contact is through truth. Because I cared about truth without medication, I understood all the dynamics happening which are now just proven and made more clearly through direct experience.

Whats painful is that I think I deeply value deep connections/ relationships and I pissed away a decade of opportunities. That may just be too painful to look at. Welp its not like I didnt put in effort. Some of my most beautiful experiences actually came from opening up and supporting other people. Like with my ex f+ whom I supported when she had a pick up or another girl who I visited at a theatre show. Being there for other people might be something deeply important to me. But when I am taken advantage of so often, that value has no way of manifesting healthily.

@meta_male Do you still have social circles?

She says she forgot karaoke with a friend beforehand but maybe has time despite it.. Well I think she is uncomfortable with a talk so I slithered out of the situation tomorrow. This situation never should have happened in a way, because either I would be to sensitive to even bring up a serious talk (pre medication) , or I would be stable enough so such a misunderstanding wouldnt have happened. I am not even sure if she was looking for something serious or just a short romance but I feel like she expected to be more in charge of it all. Or maybe she fears rejection from my end. Its just sad that there was so much energy in the room which never manifested itself in any way. I do have some kind of emotional attatchment to her, I am definitely not unbothered with how this is going.. If I do built romantic interest however I have the chance to show it.

So much for that plan. She wrote me, telling me openly that she didnt feel good on the weekend and asked if we wanted to go for a walk. Cant really dodge that now. I kind of feel like I am obligated to go which is the wrong attitude all together as that could make it shitty. But really after there was so much in the air, I feel like its important to ground it.

Had my first introduction session for my Remote Viewing training today. Went okay-ish. My trainer said my concentration/ focus is fine, however I take to much time when I describe the essence that I view so that my mind takes over. Which is true, I struggle to articulate the essence I view through my intuition. He said however that this is a natural process, that the mind needs to learn to take the intuition as soon as it comes. Will have 30 sessions of training on my own until the next training session comes. It feels good to have something to work towards, finding my own motivation would be hard.

I feel like almost everything I built without medication socially is bullshit. I kind of need to start from the buttom. Which is no problem though with my new skills. However when I dont take my medication anymore maybe the exact same thing will happen, that I feel that everything I built then was bullshit. I am still at a low dose though, so it shouldnt be that drastic. WAIT, its already pretty drastic..

I wrote the wpmi-girl yesterday evening how her weekend was going (setting up to ask for a walk which she offered last time) However shortly after she didnt reply I noticed that I kind of hoped that she wouldnt reply because I wouldnt really know what to say at the walk. I am not that emotionally invested into her, its just that I kind of already acted like and hold space for something special and this variable needs to be grounded with reality. There is potential to form this into some other thing, I just dont like this variable. But also I feel like I am responsible here. If she would just not respond, then this variable would at least manifest itself and I would have a clear direction.

Went for a little night walk outside. I dont even know what I am doing flirting with everyone. I am just interested in a relationship with one girl. I dont even care about sex really, so there is like no reason why I would chase that.

Goddammit, I just managed to get a new trainings partner girl. I wanted to get clear with the wpmi-girl first though.

Because I just realize how much more I am able to manipulate.

When I dont have dopamine in my system to bullshit, also raw truth remains ( ? ).

Whats weird is that I constantly expect to be unliked for my new medicated behaviour. I dont really have the same sensitivity as before I feel.

I feel like without medication I often gave hints to people that they should make the initiative. With medicinet I realize how much initiative I suddenly take. An issue before was that I didnt even feel like I invested anything into another person, now when I take the initiative this feels way more healthy. Also because I take the initiative more there is more and clearer choosing on my end what I want.

I feel like with medicinet I am more prone to get addicted to youtube and become lazy. Or I just notice more that I already am. I feel pretty sick from my minds point of view, like consuming a ton of junk. I think if I have the talk with the wpmi-girl then a lot of pressure will be lifted which hopefully will make my youtube addiction more managable. Didnt make process with kitting unfortunately today, it kind of sucks learning it from video.

World between worlds I love the world between worlds in Star Wars. I wonder what the source of the inspiration for creating such a place was. "This mystical realm connects all of time and space, creating a conduit between the living and the dead. Those who control this plane would possess mastery over all of existence, but gaining access has proved an unexpected challenge." ―Darth Sidious Interestingly enough Remote Viewer describe the source from which they view in basically the same way. (Without the artistic expression of course)

Looked through an old discord chat with him. He posted this in the chat sometime ago. What I find interesting about it this intense drama catches me so hard. Especially from the last of us, I would love to inhale all the drama and pain and suffering. What is that all about, I thought thats something bad and to avoid .. ? I think it also makes you conscious of how much you love things.