Jannes

Just looked through my old drawing App on my iPad from like 4-5 years ago. It jist captures some fragments which are interesting though, I still struggled with some of the same problems, especially finding a group I feel comfortable in seemed like one of the top priorities. No surprise that I committed so hard to my old theatre club. What was different was that I seemed much more horny and now I feel kind of uncomfortabe with sex even.

Back then I was able to feel romantic attraction simply from a girl looking good. Now when a girl looks good and has a cool personality I feel some romance. Romance is just the satisfaction you experience for someone who helps your survival agenda in a certain areas. Probably sexual and emotional yeah.

If you already gave him everything, there is nothing he can gain really. You would just win in a second date. You speak of him as the only guy who you ever felt instantly attracted to but then compare him to the average guy who wouldnt need more then sex to be satisfied. If this is a significant power imbalance in his favor maybe its the most mature thing for him to end things, in the end he also looks to get more out of it and if he already got everything things could get toxic. Telling you that he doesnt want to see you again or ghosting you are pretty hard reactions he doesnt owe you I feel like. I dont know how the situation really played out but I dont feel like he owes you playing the bad/ immoral person in this situation. You just approve him more and more everytime you ask him.

The machine for EKGs at my doctor got repaired so I can get it on monday finally to then get medication.

Now this has a very unique flavour to it. I am lacking words to describe whatever the fuck this is. Its like blatently obvious and self aware bullshit embedded into the disguise of such professionalism, realness and maturity.

What is interesting is that usually I like to analyze all the social dynamics happening but I get less and less interested in that. Well things are pretty obvious and for the ones that arent, thinking endlessly about them doesnt really help.

Its such a survival pot this social spot on thursday, so many people at once, combined with having weird connections with some of them there. Its hard to get at ease there. And when some people leave many of the attractive girls arent there anymore and I feel exhausted. That girl that put so much in didnt come today. This was one of the reasons why I felt unease coming today, I really couldnt take all this closeness so fast, even though I really enjoyed being around here. On the other hand its nice being around the artist girl. These are so many dinamycs which are emotionally pretty though for me. Tomorrow is play time at the social spot on wednesday, wohoo ...

I have lots of mixed emotions going to my social spot today as I will meet like 3 people at least where the relation is kind of weird. I really feel how I pressure myself and how that is weighing on me. The way is through ofc.

Just watched an old video of myself commentating video games. I have weird emotions about it. I definitely wasnt happy in that time period. It all seems a little forced. Its still the same but not as much. Because of adhd I experience things very intensily and have a sort of humor that not everybody can relate to. And I am also sensitive and stuff. Maybe thats why I never really opened my core and why I want to open up to some other adhd people.

Great social evening today. Guess the lesson is to isolate yourself in your room for two days and watch pokemon videos to boost your social skils. I had so much energy from taking a pause though, maybe thats the right lesson.

I enjoy time on my own right now. I feel like even though a natural balance takes place in that I naturally need some time off after socializing a lot or need connection after long isolation its also true that the more I socialize the more I crave it and the more I am on my own the more I crave that. I feel like I exercised a lot last week, had a good rest now to the point of getting comfortable and now I dont want to get back into exercising.

Any updates?

Notes yesterday before bed: Felt some "psi-energy" going into bed. Then saw interesting colors. A color plate of powerful colors with black around. Energetically charged in a way. Then some woo/magic sort of energy. Ravens, vodoo and this sort of vibe. Power but not in a nice way. While this was going on I processed the story about my old club and a story about a girl in the beginning in particular. And I felt powerful.

I feel like this triggers some inner discomfort in me. Not sure when I ever reached this level but it does seem rare.

We often try out all kind of things to fix something. Yet for some reason I never committed to a relationship.

All the social skills I want to have exist on a level I am not comfortable with -- where letting people close to me is normal and opening up sacred parts of myself as well. The key to getting more comfortably socially is by opening up and healing. Pick up is a strategy to avoid that inner process. I will articulate why another time..

The reason I am confused over socializing is because I grapple with an invisible force, my bad experiences in the past. ... Was my goal with pick up to defeat this shadow from the past .. ?

Maybe I could write a book mentioning all the things that cant be put into words.

Been really tired for the last two days. Just a lot of processing is happening I think.

Gosh, what a robotic voice.

Almost two weeks already. Need to keep that in check.