Jannes

Just watched the movie Paterson. Its about the week of a poet in New Jersey. He is a chill guy with a healthy relationship and occasionally you hear some poets. Fantastic film. What I found interesting is that in the beginning I found it a little hard to stay conscious because it was so chill, it forced me to process a lot. Generally I realized that there are short time spans in my day where I am actually not resisting reality. Usually at walks or when I am out socializing kind of. All my ideas and inspiration and good feeling come from that. But all the beautiful moments in my life came from moments where I didnt distract myself but was full on conscious. Doesnt matter if its at the laundrette, in nature, ... so whats up with that? Why is it so hard to live that way?

Oh nice. Well I am looking more towards content, I got music on my radio player, but perhaps I pass by sometime.

I never actually watched livestreams. That might be worth checking out. With music I switched to a music station, so I rarely actually play specific songs. This is much healthier. With livestreams it might be the same. Worth trying out.

Had a long walk in the rain. Feel much better now.

I struggle a lot with being conscious and not distracting myself from just being. And I feel like all I am searching for is that, getting myself in a position where I can just stand reality as it is.

I cant fucking concentrate on my RV session at all right now. .. The reason I cant connect with any girl is because basically any girl I met was a fucking WHORE. Basically all of them would cheat. I dont want to connect with such degeneracy but then I am all alone. If someone could just explain the world to me but I feel like I willingly put myself in a stratosphere where no one else would want to go.

I dont know what this is with the mario-kart girl. I see her so often, not sure if I can do something casual then. I also dont know if I can assert myself and say what I want. I dont want her as a relationship partner but I dont know if this matches my chemistry. I am naturally interested in understanding people, being empathic and so forth so that could be problematic if I dont want to deepen the connection..

Yeah .. , very inspiring .. , not unhealthy at all ..

I am really not feeling that good. Not sure if its the wpmi-girl or the old theatre club but I am griefing a bit.

You are so goddamn honest sometimes.. I wonder if empathy is the only thing which keeps your behaviour in check if you throw moral concepts out the window.

The wpmi-girl really had the social dynamics figured out. She had insane support around her. After she turned harsh towards me, she got feminine support all around her, massage, hugs and all that. It seemed like she completly filled up. I dont think I ever witnessed such a strong display before. Damn I am really having a hard time articulating myself, I guess thats from the gaming today.

Didnt go to my old theatre club and I dont know how to feel about it. Played 3 hours of Pkmn Showdown, which I was madly addicted to before -- a usual pattern in avoidance for me. Interestingly afterwards I was so stimulated I was swinging back into wanting to go, but it was a little late then.

You wouldnt see a moral problem with that?

@Majed Good job men! When you wonder why so few people have inner peace, look back at this.

And yesterday I think I had kind of a bad dream, I was running in the area of some train station but it was moreso a walkway. It was really dark, pretty much completly blank. I think I was running because I expected sommeone to chase me. It wasnt literally a bad dream in that I awakened in a shock, but it wasnt really a comfortable dream. Afterwards I needed to pee and seeing myself in the mirror seemed scary -- typical nightmare-ish aftermath.

I had a dream today where I found a shitton of sweets at home in some compartment. I think I am really having difficulties refilling on love.

Today is a big celebration at my old theatre club. I am ringing with myself again if I should go or not. There is so much in the air, without any talk to ground it which sucks. And I also dont know who comes. So much lost love.

So I asked her how her weekend was and not directly when we wanted to talk to give her the chance to ask. So she replied and offered to talk on wednesday at a spot. Then 3 hours later she wrote that she forgot she had karaoke with a friend but maybe we find time. I guessed that she wanted to avoid the talk and said that its no problem, we can talk another time I would be at another spot then. So today I saw her again, greeted her and she made it really obvious that she didnt want to see me. She stood up very slowly and was very unenthusiastic in her voice and immediately sat back down without talking or giving me any attention. It was so weird. I was a bit hurt and seemed to seem sad on the surface. So later she said that I looked said and if I wanted to talk but suggested that I maybe wouldnt want to, doing a complete switcheroo. That was a very short interaction and then she left at some point without saying goodbye. So nothing was ever talked about.

With medication and the ability to basically have some power, many things dont seem so drastic anymore because I can deal with them and maybe I also do more, not sure. Welp and probably because I set boundaries automatically shit doesnt even happen to me.

I notice however that I am always in these survival games looking who might be interested and who is not. That really drains me and doesnt make me happy.

I feel really good. Life really doesnt feel like constant suffering when you have friends you see when you go out, games and all of that.

Socializing went super well today. I even got back into playing good table tennis and I also had more control in what I was doing. I could connect with people I previously struggled with because holding the connection felt overwhelming. I didnt have quite the same crazy energy as usual but I felt really good. At the very end some struggles I had before actually came back where I didnt know whom to say goodbye and at which point so I stood there for some time.