Jannes

'GO AWAY FEAR AND AKWARDNESS, I DONT WANT YOU AROUND'

But this made me realize that some of the social 'ticks' I have which I explain away with adhd might actually be caused from low self esteem/ confidence. That the low self esteem/ confidence might be caused indirectly by adhd on the other hand. This is tricky.

At my social spot I wasnt confident at all today, even a little akward. I mean I did have a better baseline then months ago but it was still not very good today. I asked myself the whole time what the f hapened. I had a short conversation I wrote about earlier today, a bit of a nap, listened to Leos video and went to my social spot. It might have been that I didnt socialize that much the last couple of days, I did a bit on monday, but not much on the weekend so maybe my tank wasnt that full. Only pretty much at the very end did I somewhat get into a social state. It could also be that I didnt chat with this one contact anymore, as that gave me a bit of socializing every day. Or maybe it was about my self image, that I put pressure on myself. The whole thing today was also a friendly tournament but I primarely focused on the game and not on socializing, maybe that made the biggest difference. It just shows.. -- if you really work hard on something and are proud to make progress on it and then suddenly loose it with no clear explanation.. this feels shit, like only decently shit because transcended caring as a spiritual person a great deal but still. I think its just a combination of many factors, no real reason to panick. I also could definitely solve many issues if I just had friends around I regularely kept in touch in. I like being on my own though, I have to find people I actually want to hang out with.

Well said.

Just saw one of my students I tought as a philosophy teacher a year ago. I remembered what it was like. Working this kids or teenagers can be fullfilling but what destroyed it for me was the authority that I needed to impose on others.

Just had a talk with one of my examiner in philosophy. If I switch degrees there will likely only be one exam worth doing this semester for me, as for all the other ones I cant transfer the points. So we talked and I noticed that they were one of my older colleges which was a bit weird. Not that we personally ever connected. They seemed pretty unorganized, but seem to have very high standards, they say that last semester they had one person doing the exam who failed. They also multiple times made the proposal to postpone the exam to next semester because I wasnt in a seminar that was useful for the exam. I say they because I dont know which gender they want to be called. I thought I misgendered them in an email, apologized and asked what the right way to call them was and they said they wanted to speak about it in our talk. But we didnt and they lead most of the time so I had the chance at the end but I didnt really feel like it anymore. I hope they were not mad. They seem to not be so much in control of their emotions though and a bit autistic. The vibe is completly off. But I dont have other options if I want to make any progress this semester.

Isnt a bit of earwax also protective. My logic is, I dont have hearing problems right now, so whatever restriction my current level of earwax gives me I can tolerate and use as protection until I actually experience hearing loss and then I can take the wax out and get a long second chance. I am sure science would agree with me here.

Slept very well today. Thats a relief.

I have got a new haircut the last week. I like it. I admitted to myself that I will never ever style my hair, so I needed a haircut which doesnt need styling and I have got a relatively short one. It looks pretty masculine though, like a bit too masculine for my taste. Like I need a bit of curlyness, a bit of art a bit of warmth.

Made a conscious ritual to say 'I did all I could today'. I do feel a lot weaker and less wake not which is good, maybe I can sleep well tonight. I might also need a new blanket. I have got one for summer but it is still a little too warm. That can make a big difference in my experience.

Comfortably got every important thing done in this session. Feels trippy.

Still dont have an alternative to FlowClub. Here we go:

As I become more productive I also have more of an interest to distract myself also and might even get more joy out of it.

The whole remote viewing thing is also in the back of my head all the time, but I treat as though its not real. I will explore it on the side and if by chance it actually gives me options to work and earn money I will gladly take it, but I am not treating it as if this is guarenteed.

Instead of philosophy as my main subject in my two-subject-bachelor I might switch to I could also do educational science and philosophy second. That might give me way more options.

The fact that I got productive which I was never able to do for years and years might trigger a whole net of old behaviour in my nervous system like pressure, alertness, ... which could also explain why I suddenly wake up so early. So I have to recondition my nervous system.

Yesterday was weird. I feel like in my impro theatre group people looked at me different, like I had more status. One guy in particular looked at me when doing an act for validation and even lost it for a brief moment starring a little at me and when I catched that he kind of attacked in a very subtle way trying to gaslight and regain his status, as I was looking out the window he commented on my absence. You cant really fake confidence, it will manifest in some way. I am sure I did some of that when I didnt have much confidence.

I am struggling with good sleep. This was no problem at all before I was productive.

Something tragic just happened to a friend of mine. This distresses me a bit.

Having good health enables you to live a purposefull and happy life. But if your life isnt purposeful and happy, why would you try to enable it with health. Focusing so much on health can actually make you imagine having all kind of sicknesses. Its also possible that people overfocus on this one domain, because they are too scared to work on other domains and health isnt that scary of an domain. Thats how it was for me.

NoFap has been quite a big topic on this forum sometimes, I did it way back and got not much out of it, but I recently found out some healthier ways to go about porn. It comes down to this: Notice the difference between physically being horny and psychologically wanting to distract yourself. For me sometimes I get really horny, get a boner and its clear that my body gives me a signal. Its usually a very fast job and I feel okay afterwards. Imagination is usually enough as well. Other times I want to watch porn in the exact moment when things become difficult. It usually takes way longer and I feel messed up and confused afterwards. I can only do it with porn as well. Just becoming conscious of that difference will have some curative effect.

That sucks. I am just thinking the obvious that we often process things in sleep that we repress in waking life, so maybe you repress your sexuality for some reason in waking life which results in sexual dreams. But I dont know your situation of course.

Wow, good for you.

There is more conscious porn out there if you actually care about that. Porn for females is usually more conscious.

I can almost do that when I am really conscious and that feels by far the healthiest. The more force you have to put in (physical and heavy porn) the less conscious and healthy on the mind it is.