Okay so I kind of hoped that I would find patterns in there that I didnt see before. But really I just found myself having the same insight over and over again from different angles. I got a lot better though over the months as I moved closer to the core of the problem I already identified.
So my problem is obviously that I was hurt socially and that these unhealed wounds shape my current experience in such a way that when a new social opportunity arises these experiences are like a wisdom lense from the past from which I interpret the new situation which is quite problematic.
This is how they effect my social situation:
- I feel blockaded from opening up
- Connecting feels painful
- Authentic parts of myself, like bold, crazy or energetic energy rarely come to the surface
- I underestimate my social value
What made the healing process unsucesfull so far:
- Moral concerns, I dont want to use people who give me support but whom I dont give anything back
- I see very fast if a person isnt trustworthy. I am overly sceptical.
- Its dangerous to connect to the wrong person and get hurt by them because I am so ungrounded so I pass non optimal chances.
- Because I dont understand my own value, I often dont think a person would actually want to help me
- I get side tracked chasing pussy.
Also my authentic self might be vulnerable by nature. With adhd I often do dumb shit, so I have to take backlash regularely. And I am likely just sensitive and helpful by nature which is easily exploitable.
// Interestingly summarizing this feels very hard for some reason as it seems I am fighting with my unconscious which wants to stay alive with unconscious pattern. Shows me that I am working in the right direction.
