Jannes

I see .. You talked about how weed blew you away way more then 5meo though which is a very different experience from most people. I dont know about this chemical but if its openly availabe and if you are one of a few people who discovered it, it would suggest that most people wont experience the same effect. So maybe ask a few people on their experience beforehand.

People will react differently to drugs. How can you be sure that this chemical will have the desired effect on everyone and not just you?

Saw her again and its a super high vibe, I think she really wants me in her friend group. Maybe because I was a bit distanced. Also saw her bf. Was a pretty cool evening. Had a chat afterwards with a girl who is the gf of a friend of mine and who I know a bit longer know. A really good chat actually, the vibe just matches.

Saw her again today at the spot and she seemed more distanced now. I tried to get a conversation going but felt really akward. Not sure what it is, I just think that she was able to put so much attention and closeness into it and that I didnt want to screw it up completly overwhelmed me. I really experienced myself at a low there.

I had a perfect first meet with this new girl and we walked home together. I didnt go for a hug at the goodbye which was critical for me. I personally couldnt let her that close already, so I did what felt right for me and not what would be expected perhaps. She already wrote back -- she didnt open her status to me though. Interesting she seems to mirror my energy 1 to 1.

Was at a introduction talk for my new studies today. I listed with one ear closed kinda, I didnt really want to be there, I generally didnt want to think about my future and for some reason becoming a teacher seems more attractive. But it also wasnt a huge deal, I got a bit more warm with it as I sat there. Already chatted up a girl who is also new there. This is really a chance to meet new people. All of this really got me to work through the situation with my wpmi-girl. I overthink it like crazy. You usually smile at each other and when you get a good vibe you smash.

Everything else.

I met this girl I saw on my social spot again. She is a first semester. Whats interesting about them is that they are serious about bonding with new people. They are new to the city and everything.. I just saw here, chatted a bit and she firmly held me there. I am slippery like an eel.

Finally took the time to learn how to insert images again. Took me some failed attempts. I like the arstyle in Neon Genesis Evangeleon and that loose blue shirt. Great style.

I never really appreciated the intensity with how Family Guy and other shows are scripted. This is coming from an intense place. I could do that.

I am just about to pay for a remote viewing course. In high stake situations like this your psyche is capable of opening up a lot. Only now do I remember all the other options I have, for example finding a RV partner on the Discord server. Completly forgot about that, only this situation brought it to light.

I tell myself that I kind of struggle with making female platonic friends. Which is partly true. But also regular friendships arent that stimulating, so the female friends I am with who want more are the ones that are more stimulating but also give me the experience that I cant have platonic friendships. What am I going to do about that?

So that girl I talked to gave a reply to a message I texted her before last wednesday. There is so much happening. On the one hand worlds clash together, I needed to eplain her what poly meant last time, so me casually talking about getting a number, maybe being interested in something casual with the girl .. isnt something that seems to compute with her world. On the other hand she seems to really grap me by my bullshit which I want to be defensive about. She also has the opinion that I am interested in her from her observation and I have no idea myself. ...

Yeah. Welcome on my journal btw.

I am curious. I didnt like my old medicinet medication that much but I am only allowed to get that one because its cheaper. I will be more interested to try the other medications when I am allowed to but still this new medicinet has a new formula with a fast and slow acting part, so that will be interesting.

Got my adhd medication finally! Lets see when I use them.

Impro theatre was great today, we were only 3 people in total but it was really nice. I felt really safe there. I often have problems with improvizing but I came up with with a new approach I use in smalltalk, where I try to make something out of the last word, or observe something in the environement which I then use. It worked great. My mind isnt powerful enough to come up with something out of thin air, but just a little inspiration is enough.

I cant get my adolescence back really. Saw a young couple yesterday. The intense emotions that come up when you are young and all that, thats something I am not getting back. Even though I can still call myself lucky, looking relatively good and having the chance to get some of that back, I feel like I deserve to moan a little to get it out.

Went to bed so early that after 8 hours of decent sleep I woke up to the same time I went to bed yesterday. I just kind of felt tired and sniffed my chance to turn my sleep routine around and it somehow worked. ... I dreamt about school a lot, especially a classmate I didnt have much of a connection with but who somehow appeared sometimes in my dreams and we were cool here.

With finding your LP you want to take small bets. An art degree is a big bet. Coudlnt you already create whatever you want to create and learn by doing that?

I dont feel that good right now. I kind of isolated myself for three days now, gotta get out there again. I had a few partying options but didnt feel like it, my social spot with table tennis, games and light talk was perfect. Maybe I shouldnt hold onto it too much though, there isnt always a guarentee that thats available.

Made a walk today which got me to process some of it. I was kind of surpressing what already happened between us. One time when she poured so much into it, it stirred up so much in me that even one painful childhood experience came up to the surface. Thats not really the kind of playing field you want to hookup or want to meet someone in, it way too much. And I was so confused about her. Sometimes she is there, sometimes not and when she is there its 100%, otherwise 0%.

Thanks

This is basically how I feel about it right now, I feel like I cant breathe: