Jannes

Some thoughts while doing RV: Finding a way to limit my Laptop during RV. In reality I only need the RV number so I could create a frozen turkey in my Cold turkey App. Only my smartphone would be left as a distraction.. only you know if you did good or not by using first order principles, dont look around what others tell you RV reminds me of how people in Berlin approach which is way more open and committed instead of reserved like in my city. Well I feel like I am too reserved in RV so that serves as an analogy. I am doing "I-am-ness" meditation while RV practice basically because when I am in myself, I view myself and not the target so I constantly have to get rid of viewing myself.

Slept 11 hours today. Didnt even have time to take Elvanse today because I need to go to bed relatively early again. Took a small dose of medicinet instead which will be interesting how it compares. It was definitely the right decision to get back and get some rest today, I would have been fried if I didnt do that. Didnt stock up on veggies though which sucks, my system craves some healthy foods to restock on vitamins and stuff.

Yesterday I saw two women in their 30s in the train. They radiated so much character in their appearence, how they dressed etc. Youth is not just lost physically but also in spirit. Well not for them. And they looked pretty attractive. My brain kind of filtered them out because they were out of my age range but in this instance I made it conscious and could tell that when I would be in my 30s to 40s they wouldnt be bad options at all. The door would open for me to perceive them as attractive. Aging isnt all bad.

Need sleep.

Oh! And cruicially I got socializing done without medication! Maybe for RV now hmm..

I was contemplating what was missing about why I wasnt making social progress and I guess I found a key?

I have to say, even though its only been 2 days, I was surprisingly happy to get back into my apartment. Home sweet home. True privacy. Now that I got and already 1.5 hours have past I get bored of it though, would switch to the hostel back again probably.

The women with the first guy is probably like "what can I say next time something like this happens". You dont expect shit like this.

About the old theatre club, I am starting to feel more what I already knew many months ago which is that specific things happened in important moments which massively shaped and formed my experience in the club. I love most of the people there, I love theatre and I hate to have just left like that but some things were just too much.

Wrote a girl I met about a year ago and had once pretty intimate (not sex) encounter with and I had mixed emotions about it, it was pretty intense so it was a bit much. But it opened the opportunity for a place to sleep and a friend to chill with which would be wonderful. She wrote back actually saying that its nice to hear from me, asking how I am and that she is unfortunately not in Berlin this weekend. Idk what to make out of it, this can become something cool or not. I dont even really know how she looks like, its been so long. Thats one spot to stay though. Have another friend as well. And well the hostel of course which is a reliable backup.

I feel pretty great. Especially in the end this evening I felt like I un-lulled myself. I felt in my power. I only have my seminar next wednesday and then only seminars on monday! So I can stay in Berlin most of the time and make insane social progress. I only need to balance that with my RV practice. I also didnt do my practice today, but thats okay, I did pre work for one day. I ran around like a bit of a zombie today but I saw so much. And the confident no-bullshit attitude was also super cool.

You never have true privacy though. Not sure how much I need this. Just wanted to complain but the guy who just sat on the same table as me (even though there are plenty of free ones, my setup is just cool) just offered me chicken. If I werent vegetarian damnit. But I very much appreciate it regardless.

Just checked out and hanging at the chill area now. So the hostel is nice. I came back at 3pm yesterday though, open my bin and some guy histerically was like "NO SOUND, NO SOUND, DEDEDEDEDE GOOD NIGHT". It seemed like he had mental illness. Sorry for the invonvenience but MY TOOTHBRUSH WAS LOCKED AWAY. I am terrible. I slept terribly though, the pillow was way to big and generally I cant relax at other places fast. Maybe thats something you can train. But other then that the people are chill, you get warm shower and you get what you pay for. There are lots to optimize as well, like bringing the right snacks. .. The socializing part went bad though. Found the spot after some search and it seems like a very different culture, more agressive and stuff. Most guys at the table tennis spot are older and in the chill area I didnt approach anyone because it were all groups intensely talking to each other and I took some rounds. Three girls sat next to me at the very beginning asking if you have to bring your own table tennis bat. It started good small talk immediately but I played one or two rounds and the girls were immediately bombarbed from all angles. Comparing that to the amount of leeway I get in my small city is insane, there are more chances here but the meta is more brutal as well. No wonder some people with a bit of game dominate at my social spots. So when I sat next to the one girl after two rounds she just farted in my direction. Well I cant be sure be she was leaning over to the other side with a nice relaxed posture to get some gas out. Its been some time since I ever smelled a fart in public at all. Cant help but psychoanalyze it. I had such an easy opportunity at the beginning and took it so naturally, maybe it was a gesture of "hey, wake up to Berlin things are nasty out here." Or people hide less there.

Just got to the hostel. Its so exciting. There is a certain warmness to people here as well. Had to pay extra for castle and keys but thats a first time mistake. I am packing my things and will search for the table tennis spot. Gotta turn of my Laptop. I dont even have social media and yet my first thought is that I should capture the magic here instead of inhaling it. Lets live a little now.

I thought I could get some time for university work I am just busy with reflecting and booking. For me time in the train is mostly productive, especially if the train drives right to the destination.

You can only pay with credit card on the first site I wanted to order. Luckily Paypal works on the other one. Its about 20 Euros, so really not that much. I just imagine travelling in Hostels Non-Stop. I mean with Ear-Plugs you can get good sleep but I guess you could never fully relax. Well its my first Hostel ever, so lets see. Also havent found the Table tennis place yet, but I know the general direction and will ask people then.

I never find anything in second hand shops for some reason. But I found some good stuff on second hand shopping online and will go back to it. But only tops, you need to put jeans and trousers on.

My sweater smells like food. I literally wear the same outfit the whole week because I dont like anything else. Its time to shop, I got a better perspective of what I want now which is a more vintage looking sweater.

Sticking to an old pattern of mine which is working on abundance rather then taking working things out. Did I really just write that? Well the fact of the matter is I am sitting in a train that is going to Berlin and I am planning to book a hostel to make this a new routine. I think both things would have worked in the same direction though, with a more abundant mindset I can work through the problems at my old theatre club in a more chill way I think. And I need a change of scenarie to get a clear head anyway. I really cant tell what the best move is atm, but for the show today no afterparty is planned and I didnt reserve before, so it might seem a little random. The next show is in two weeks, it has an afterparty and its christmas vibes so that seems better. Could have went to Berlin tommorrow though. Ah men.

RV note Scene with artist girl yesterday, same thing with me at the old theatre club // So there was a moment yesterday when I was sitting next to the artist girl chilling and a table tennis ball flew behind our bench. I graped for it and accidently slightly punched on the artist girls glasses when I got the ball out. Her reached was mega werid though, she seemed super lovely and in a way tamed about what happened. I was in the wrong movie for a split second. I had the same thing happen to me as well though, in two scenarios where I experienced a very intense situation of thread I felt a shitton of positive emotions. My inner self was almost begging to experience it. I think its just trapped energy from overwhelming situations (of violence) and these situations make working through it possible. Maybe she experienced violence herself. It would fit into another pattern of her which though, when I went for a hug and still had cold hands she was like oh yeah I like cold hands, completly ignoring her own needs. It was pretty twisted. She has a bunch of mental illnesses, depression, bipolar, adhd and something else. At the same time she provides so much comfort and love for so many people. I would really like to get her. My best guess would be that she made very bad experiences and feels like its her fault and that she just needs to provide for people more. But at the same time she displays insane confidence.

Not sure where to put it, but it goes into the direction of Gods creative intelligence I guess. Since Leo talked about the Xenomorph in his latest video I contemlated that example. The Xenomorph is not truly something out of another dimension, it has limbs, a body, a head, black color, familiar movement all put together in a way that it makes sense to us. But I realized even creating a unique and fitting composition of these traits which doesnt resemble something that already exists in our experience is very rare. So lets post creative pieces here which come as close to a true original creation as possible!

If I never tasted fast food, I wouldnt crave it. Look at indigenous people, they dislike the taste. You have a natural instinct for food but not that it is made in a particularily junky way. No I never smoked.

I am building up from pretty low when it comes to my attatchment style. But I am at least conscious of it. It felt almost impossible oto built a connection before, now it feels just very difficult.

Pretty intnse social evening. I felt good, like I had gained a new confidence because I felt like I could handle all the greeting rituals and could create boundaries if the need was there. Also saw the wpmi-girl again after some weeks now. She went for a hug immediately and I felt a little hesitant but it was okay. Emotionally a bit came up. At a later point I sat next to her and she asked me again how I was feeling and that I didnt seem like I was feeling good. Almost like the Bladerunner girl ("You look lonely, I can fix that") in the advertising spot but provoking me to say I didnt feel good. She had another guy on her side and he seemed on hyper attention noticing our dynamic. Didnt want anything to do with that, I built enough emotional distance that I basically didnt care. I had pretty good conversations actually. I kind of got to a point where I thought about what I want to do instead of trying to learn the rules. Later two guys from my old theatre club I am cool with and the girl I hooked up with a few weeks ago entered the room. Complete overstimulation, first the guys from the old theatre club representing the old theatre club and then the girl I had no idea with how to reenter the atmosphere with again. After a minute or so I noticed that they came in a group, damnit. Chatted up with one of the guys who played some Super Mario on an old console on his own. We had a good chatter actually. At some point he made a break saying he has to look for his group so I left as well, feeling that I might be unwanted anyway. He came back, locked around the room, our eyes catched, I smiled, he smiled back and I reentered the round and he continued playing on the console. It went completly over my head that we were kind of establishing a connection. I reentered later though. I didnt talk to the girl in the end. In my head my strategy was that when she would completly avoid my eye contact she doesnt want to talk and thats all good. When there is some eye contact then I would talk to her friendly. I think I was being pretty pussy.

Maybe that explains why I almost wanted to plan both things at the same time, going back to my old theatre club AND booking a place in Berlin. Hmm what if I faced both fears at once. What if I went to my old theatre club, but my old theatre club is now playing in Berlin and there are a bunch of other Berlin people there I need to socialize with. Afterwards a big table tennis party would take place with some of my old theatre folks being there. Now I face both fears at once. It kinda clears my mind but I dont see a direction.