Jannes

About a month ago I bought a pair of shoes which were pretty much tailor made for me. The are barefoot-ish with more room for toes and are flat, they have a stylish off-white and beige mix and generally look good. They were pretty expensive though and might not fit every outfit. So I couldnt decide wether to keep them or not and waited for 30 days so I would loose my option to send them back so I am forced to commit to them. When you dont make a decision you make a decision. Well I could still sell them as new quality shoes.. NO, I am keeping them now!

Told my adhd doctor about changing my degrees and she said that maybe I could help in democrazy education, likely hinting at the rise of the far right party "AFD". I have nail polish on my left hand which probably implied sympathy with left leaning parties so that she got comfortable stating her position. I also noticed a very slight difference in how female cashier treated me, they seemed just a bit more comfortable around me -- not that they were particularily uncomfortable before but it just seems to be a little more relaxed now. This all seems a bit crazy, it brings me out of the position of a strict observer. Although when I ran around as a minimalist in black with Jeans I looked relatively right leaning as well.

Its about time to cut my hair again. But this time I thinking to go back to the hairdresser. I really just want to see if I made any mistakes and there are a few things which I feel I cant replicate that easily like cutting a cool pony. Its akward though to go back and after detching them for a haircut machine. I am thinking that I can maybe pay extra for hair + beard. There isnt much to do for my beard anyway, but it would be a sign of appreciation. After that I could settle into only haircut again or leave forever when I take all the lessons. I will make tons of pictures though.

I already boasted about how I almost perfected my beard. Well it was hard for me to admit but it didnt really work out. With my mustache at 3mm or so and the rest of 2mm it didnt match well and I didnt know why. A few days ago I accidently cut the sides of my mustache and then everythink looked in place again. I need a clean seperation between mustache and the rest of the beard, then different lenghts work really well. Not I feel like I really figured it out.

I really feel like I need to really breath in some of Alan Watts lessons here. All of this is problematic because I am looking to get a certain outcome, yet this is only possible to make happen when let that go. .. yeah some of that Jazz -- my first contact with the whole philosophy and spiritual world. 🥹

I dont know what happened today, but I binged for about 7 hours of youtube watching Pokemon and not getting anything done but still somehow feeling pretty confident at my social spot today, well, even a significant chunk more confident then ever before. I noticed how somehow I was looking to connect to one of my friends there where I was hesitant before. There is only so much confidence we can give ourselves.. Now this brings me into a difficult situation though, that girl that helped me committed in a significant way which puts pressure on me to not fuck up basically. But also the more pressure I put on myself the less things will work out I feel. Its the same with my ex f+, when we talked that there isnt any commitment, then I felt so free, easy and natural. Not sure if I know how to go about that though. I think partially because the support is so big, that its hard for my mind to do things where I would loose the support. Oh and my brain is fried anyway because of YT lolz.

Youtubers have really gone with the Flow of Youtube by now. I binged many episodes of one Youtuber which was made in such a way that there was no air to let go of focus, it was one dopamine rush without pause. I liked the episodes, but they had something unnerving about them. Now I watched an older video of that Youtuber which wasnt produced in that way and that was also more authentic and it let me breath a little and have different thoughts about the day. Youtube got really toxic.

Although actually giving my heart away and having it broken is less painful then repressing emotions.

I got so much support from this one girl that it even opened some wounds and helped me to work through them. But even with all that support it left a certain unease in me. It took me some time to articulate it. Its that I dont really understand her agenda. What is she trying to get out of me, you dont just throw love at someone for no reason.. yet I havent really seen a lack of authenticity and she even strongly smiled at me, looking directly in my eyes when I had a little flirt with the artistical girl. I had really good feelings about her before so when someone would pull off a relatively selfless manouver, I could see that from her especially when I went for a hug even though she she didnt text back.. From the people she sourrounds herself with it is likely that she knows a lot of backstory, so she kind of has an idea of who I am, which might make me a worthy investment .. Maybe she wants to be good friends, maybe she wants to date, maybe she wants to integrate me into her poly circle. Thats all fine ofc .. A guy from the social spot who made some attempts at building closeness just changed his whatsapp status so I cant see it which I interpret as a step backwards towards distance. He was opening up and already talked about that I could join him on some music place on some day if I wanted. I enjoyed his company but it was a little fast so I didnt put any signs of interest into it .. Thats exactly what I fear, that if I am too hesitant people are hurt, but also when I put a lot into it that I might burn out or make unwise decision, I dont take social hurt lightly which I know from experience .. Fuck my life.

Would post a picture what I mean but thats obviously not possible right now. Below the text chart, next to the box "Insert other media" on the left the sign with the paperclip doesnt appear after loading. So its not possible to click on it to attatch photos or files. Its also not possible to just drag them in. Has anyone encountered the same problem?

I am on Mac so I cant use shareX. I got Kap instead and creating links work. But when I put them on the forum, they dont create a picture of a gif. file:///private/var/folders/t6/9dv55py52fn59fpglsw7l1bc0000gn/T/d6dee7881c741d2ab952443890788453/Kapture%202025-09-06%20at%2013.09.30.gif

In kindergrden I noticed the pattern that I am scared to enforce myself because I am scared to loose (the last) people if I do. And also that I cant brute force myself through it. When I wanted to raise my fist my whole body got wobbly and I laughed like the Joker, because it was too much.

Yesterday: LOL! I just remember a moment in my life. All my long time ”friends" were together in my room and for some reason they all collectively picked on me. What the fuck. Well one person tried to defend me. It was one guy or his friend. My dad visited me today. We did some work together. We had chill breaks. It was the perfect environement to inhale and emotionally work through some things. You now when somebody wants to believe something and the only way to convince that person is by giving them zero surface to built projection and when you did that successfully they are only left with their own devils. That happened to me. A had a few tears in my eyes, I am so grateful for one of my female friends there. But also there are other people who really wanted to help me. There were more then just a little friendly. But it pales in comparison. But it would feel wrong to not show any gratitude towards them but emotionally I mostly take in the support of this one girl. This could also hurt the other people though. Maybe I am overthinking this .. Driving to my family now. Almost went to the festival but I have stuff so get done. I kind of feel like a freed bird and now instead of flying I am getting right back into the ”cage". Oh well, maybe actually integrating is the best thing right now. The most progress is usually done when it feels hard and it felt relatively easy to join in on the festival so I don't leave much progress on the table hopefully.

https://www.actualized.org/insights/bottled-nightmare file:///private/var/folders/t6/9dv55py52fn59fpglsw7l1bc0000gn/T/d6dee7881c741d2ab952443890788453/Kapture%202025-09-06%20at%2013.09.30.gif

So because of adhd and my personality type and my education I had problems connecting with other kids all my life and was easy picking for bullies. So that shaped my social expactations for all my life. What I am battling now is decades of integrated damage that comes up whenever I want to built a new connection. Have I missed something?

I remember how my high school "bully" once said to me "I am doing everything for you and you arent grateful" or something along these lines. He was very supportive actually. If he was that way to any other person in the class they would have bit and follow along, but he couldnt buy me. Not sure what he wanted from me really. I find it really interesting how and why my mind opens these truths, my survival situation (in this case social success) , really dictates the borders of my mind.

I observe how my mind looks for excuses for why I should let go of the new people I found, but really I cant find any reason. When I imagine switching perspectives, the way you really force someone to confront their demons is when you dont give them any shit at all so their isnt any surface to project their shit on. I am the person who needs to confront their demons now.

Of course coming from that place people will sense that and will be cautious. ... Everything already made a lot of sense but with every discovery it makes even more sense. Really the key for me is to work through my bad experiences socializing. What they are I dont really know as its unconscious material. But I can consciously work through what my unconscious throws at me.

My ex-F+ said the same that I am similiar to her in that bearing closeness is really hard.

I feel like I want distance from everybody. I really built a connection with some people there but the connection feels like I just want to jump out of my skin, its painful in a sense even though everything was perfect.