Jannes

Havent taken my medication today and I feel good in a way but also I feel like I cant handle anything. Its time for socializing and a ton of fear is there which was just gone before. So interesting to see.

When she will reveal some of the names of people still alive they will put all their energy and power into trying to stop her. She has a gun to their heads with that story and half a gun to the head of the people who support these stars as their identity is attatched to them. So of course they wont go down without a fight to the death. She has every reason to be afraid. Only the moral fabric of society can protect her and that is not a guarentee.

Yeah I said I enjoyed the beginning part until he questioned her believabability and made it about all kinds of political topics completly getting off topic. Didnt you feel the vibe shift after an hour or so? Well his interview style is almost more important to focus on because he prevents further information to come out with this interview style. Which victim would like to be a guest on his show after watching this? Imagine the journey she took on to come to this podcast after 30 years of trauma work and he is about to fucking question and gaslight her. It has its place but I feel like it didnt come from a place of genuinely looking for truth but by fearing that it would hurt his political position. That being said yes its incredible what she has revealed in that interview up to that point. I appreciate how she could articulate what was going on inside her from a higher perspective and her perspective of the people in the circle. You dont get this kind of information anywhere else basically.

I enjoyed the beginning where he didnt interrupt her. Its unbelievable how cringe and pathetic he was.

I have largely outgrown my gymrat phase but somehow this stayed with me as it just flashed my memory. This is an interesting intersection. Ego meets non ego. Masculinity integrates femininity. Survival meets non survival. Mind meets artistic expression from the heart. Edit -- same vibe:

Also confronted my RV trainer today abotu evidence that customer actually pay for projects. Well he said he cant share that because of privacy concerns and that he does his own RV projects. Not sure how to feel about it, it is believable yes but also isnt proofing anything. He would be pretty insane for answering all my questions after I paid and being in 1 on 1 zoom calls and giving me advice and all that.

What a great social evening! And all without medicationn. Well .. the medication usually lost their effect when I went into the place before as well. Its likely just because I met my friend 1 on 1 yesterday. That really helps.

There are few BB physiques that I actually like in terms of flow, proporitons etc. but I always was a fan of Kai and pretty much only Kai. The low lats, the proportion and shape of his lower body, the bicep peaks and symmetrical abs, it just looks better then all the other physiques imo. Oh yeah on that level he is like in the buttom 10% I think. Women with a gym rat phase always fascinate me, they seem to be into the grind just as much as men. Its so reatable. I was really into it as well but never got really muscular, just pretty fit. When I went to the gym less and just maintained my muscle I appreciated my gains more and more though.

You think it was all fake? Sure some of it was for sure to built up a following but I feel like some of the emotions were real. Like the conflict at the press conference where Phil wanted to honor his next Olympia win he didnt got yet to his passed dad or when Kai was about to punch Phil on stage? Havent watched the film about Kai, is it worth it to watch? I think Dr Mike has good genetics actually in that he can put on all of this size. His muscles dont look good but its still a lot of muscle.

Everybody removing their status on WhatsApp once it became a feature a few weeks ago. Not sure how widespread it was internationally but here in germany it was an absurd trend for a few days.

Its so foundational, it really is hard to imagine socializing without smiling. But I would say it comes in degrees and the over the top smiling is definitely conformity. On pictures especially. Btw people back in the day looked grim on pictures because the logic was that a picture is about capturing how reality is in that moment. The idea to smile on pictures was founded later. I remember the day when I first learned the socializing technique to smile and laugh at shit I dont find funny. It was a grim day. It took away much of my happiness as happiness was now functional.

Putting a picture with you and an animal in your dating profile Smiling

Last time I visited my dentist which was about a year ago, the chef changed his protocol and made a treatment which involved fluoride optional. Point was that new studies seem to suggest that fluoride is toxic in some way. There seemed to be some internal disagreement in the team as well. The chef also seemed to wake up to the new age and I guess everything associated with it.

I liked Kai Greens posing back in the day as well. Not sure if this is more or less ego.

Asked my friend if a girl in our social circle has a bf. She has. And he continues on with saying that she is basically a 9-10/ 10 and its a strange gap with her bf and stuff. Its interesting, I found her kind of cute, thought that maybe she would be gf material. Either his standards are low or mine are astronomical.

We talked about developmental tasks. Got me thinking, it would likely be best to find a partner with the same tasks. My problem with fitting in goes back decades though so its not easy to find someone with the same profile.

Met a friend at a cafe today. He invited me to take pictures of me. Usually I am nervous meeting people 1 on 1, well thats how I remember it but it was pretty normal. We went to a nice cafe. Right after I felt a warm sense of ease and positive emotions. Saw a girl from my seminar and I directly smiled at her when she walked by without any hesitation. I am not honest with myself about how much I need basic social connection.

Love seems to be my way out. In the form of romance. Romance makes it possible for me to open up, to go beyond myself.

Met a friend at the doctor today. He was very open, I didnt even realize how reserved I was until he entered the scene. Sat next to me and we had a really good chat. When the doctor asked me in I didnt know how to built a transition and kind of just went. Could have just said, we can continue talking tomorrow or something.. He seemed a little confused when I came back after the meeting and took the initiative with a fist bump and "we can continue talking tomorrow". I felt bad about it. But still he invited me into a good vibe I didnt know I didnt have. It just shows me again how isolated I really am emotionally. Whenever I get invited its feels so good for a brief moment but it usually happens as a calculation error cause I usually dont give it back. While it feels good its also me getting support while keeping my sovernty whichis something the supporting person doesnt have so the grass doesnt need to be much greener on the other side.

There are picture in my mind of things which I wanted to express so badly but never did because I didnt have the technical skills. When I was at my worst state in the old theatre club I felt like it started to eat from my substance, like everything around my literal substance was burned down and what kept me up was my literal substance which was about to get infiltrated. I was about to turn insane. And there was almost some sense of freedom in there. I also wanted to draw a picture of feeling free and happy. A free and deeply happy face with a thunderer whistle as its nose. It was shortly before I left the theatre club. And something else. Need sleep.

You mean the rules?

Thinking that smoking weed is cool

chess status

When all I had for distraction was chess, I became addicted to that. I need to find "healthy" addictions.