Jannes

RV was never easy but I feel like I am going mad atm. Possibly because I refreshed my approach which made it uncomfortable. My head cant overtake, I have to be fully in the moment. I experimented a bit with drawing randomly as that was more stimulating then slowly drawing a line and I lost focus there. But this approach also doesnt really work. The candle also not that much today. I am not writing my insights down when doing RV but there are still so many loaded emotions going on inside me when I finally need to get in the present moment. Maybe I just need to get more comfortable with zero distraction.

There is a level of distraction I never wanted to touch, which is the hardware itself. Even with all the blocks in the world, I can still squeeze out distraction from my Laptop and smartphone. Now that I had this hard block at midnight for my laptop I really felt how a lot of distraction was gone all of the sudden. My smartphone couldnt compensate for that. Maybe I should block my whole Laptop more. But then maybe I will just find ways to get more out of my smartphone more. Should I limit that as well then .. ? What will I do the whole day if that is all blocked .. OOoohh thats the point!

The midnight blocker works. I still wake up late, but it was worse before. I just need my 9 hours it seems like so its better to get to bed early. I feel more composed. Stable-ish in a way.

Yeah I like the other one more as well.

Whoa, I dont understand a word but whoa !!

I think I need a job. It would likely make me MORE productive then I am right now, because I get up more. It would also give me a perspective of what I could do with my university degree. Atm I am soely focused on RV. If it works great. But even then I probably want some kind of balance. Some hard structure like a shitty job which is relatively chill and with relatively low responsibility is great to built around.

I feel no motivation whatsoever atm. Just want to sleep.

Yesterdays note as I couldnt access the forum: I didn't write my old theatre club friend whom I appreciate very much and I don't know why exactly. Well for one he is connected to the old theatre club, a powerful force which overwhelms me. Second I generally have a lot of problems letting people close to me. Now I get the thought that our encounter was mostly about him seeing that he was not the problem for me leaving the old theatre club so he was good. Not free love but a developed version of conditional love perhaps.

Yesterday I ended the Audio Book "The 5 Love Languages". Liked the book, but really there was only one main insight in the whole book, which is that people express and receive love differently. We need to understand each others love language to make each other feel loved. Those are the five. I am still contmplating what my main love language is: Words of Affirmation: probably important Acts of Service: no idea Physical Touch: kind of important Quality Time: kind of important to very important Giving Gifts: probably not important And I dont understand this part about Giving Gifts: It is said that being there for someone in a bad time seemingly fits that category. That would make it maybe the most important thing but I would put it to quality time.

Nice the midnight blocker worked as intended. When I came home after a midnight gym session my Laptop was blocked so I listened to an Audio book on my Smartphone which made it logistically possible to go to bed and turn down the light which made me sleepy naturally. The only thing which needs some overwork is that I literally cant unblock my block. I loose complete access to my Laptop, even the access to unblock the block during that time. I dont have a perfect solution to it yet, the best thing I came up with now is a two layer system. I duplicated the block but gave it 1min of allowance for the blocked time period and no password to block it. And the old block I gave a 10min allowance. So I could use the one minute to unblock the dublicated block and then go on to unblock the old block (which has a long password) in the 10min allowance. Lets see how that works.

So somehow I can watch videos of the Youtubers I unblocked on Youtube, even though the video links dont imbed the Youtuber themselves. It seems so at least. Now I downloaded Unhook so I dont get video recommendations for videos that could distract me. I am still very unsure on how I want to use Youtube with all of these options from now on. That I can watch Vlad Vexlers videos now seems like progress.

Done! From 1am to 6am. In that time frame my Laptop is completly unusable until I unblock it with a text which takes 1 - 3min. I can just go to an AudioBook if I need some distraction, but that will be less impactful then my laptop.

I need a device blocker for tonight. My sleep routine is unworkable for living with mortals.

Because my focus is so much more spread compared to other people I entertain things which other people would filter out. Even things which I dont entertain as my own opinion. This is just me expressing my self but it triggers other people.

Cut my front hair as well and picked out some hair directly above my upper lip. Did some calculation that this is probably worthy for the rest of my life. If it doesnt grow back as plentyful maybe some beards will be less doable but I dont think I want them and all the other ones will be much easier and will look cleaner.

I keep on having good ideas today. Just tested the epilator on my hand. I thought it would be painful but almost not at all and super fast. Its a neat look. Now I thought about lasering my red spots on my face. I dont have any acne anymore since years but the redness remains. I can laser that away, why the hell havent I thought about that. Will have to look at the cost, but its probably worthed.

TRIGGER WARNING: If you are mentally/ emotionally unstable and dont want to get deeply Blackpilled by the reality of dating dont read this thread. .. I think I started a thread like this years ago and then a second time maybe a year later. I felt it triggered a lot of people and most people each time dismissed my acutal problem. The problem is truly that it is almost impossible to talk about because its very uncomfortable to talk about and very very ego heavy. Even now while I suffer from it I also cant help but feel my ego getting involved in this. You know when you truly authentically want to write down a problem and while you are at it you feel your ego shadow lingering over your shoulder like an uninvited visitor smirking over this and there is no thought of pushing him away, he is deeply grounded in this. Survival is truly bigger then me on this one. With that said and with improvement of my articulation of the problem I am hoping that its different this time around. So I have/ had the problem that because I have adhd and was emotionally very unstable I often looked for other people as ankers to stabilize me. This is a common thing for adhd folks. It unconsciously manifests itself in a way that I put much attention to that person. Generally new people are more stimulating and stabilizing. This often came across as flirting. Because I am also quite good looking I am/ was quite successful at "flirting", even though that wasnt my intention. My ego would like to hear that I am the men being this succesful but there was zero skill involved, it was completly accidental. Already took me a lot of time and suffering to accept that .. On my unintentional flirting spree I saw so much bullshit though, many girls willing to cheat with me on their boyfriends. Nice, lovely girls which you would never expect it from. At least not me. For many of them I developed feelings as well but just surpressed them because I would never cheat. I am in a situation now where I am really searching for feelings and connection. Sex without feelings doesnt really interest me. The problem is that I have developed such a negative picture of most women as people who would heartlessly drop their bf or cheat when a better option comes around. Much trust is just wiped away from direct experience. I dont have any clever sorting mechanism to select girls that dont cheat and I dont think this is possible to the degree that I am satisfied with. But this brings me to the question of how can I reform the picture of women that I have in my head so that I can love them again? I am even considering going back to the girls who would have cheated with me (who dont have a bf right now) because realistically it doesnt get better anyway. And how can I go about the fear that I could get cheated on myself?

If I simply unsubscribe to all the Youtube channels I would block then I can use the Youtube site relatively normally, clicking from one channel to the next. I can just not watch the videos on Youtube. Hmm maybe there is even a way around that when I only block the main youtube page specifically and not individual links. Hmm ..

Whoaaaa so 2 things. I tried medicinet today again. Small 10mg dose just to try it again and see the effect it has on RV. It doesnt seem to improve my practice it seems like, it might even take my ability to view away. I am more emotionally stable though. And the other thing, I experimented with Cold Turkey some more and realized I can put certain Youtube channels on the exception list. This way I can copy the videos and watch it here. I already found ways to watch some videos, so in this way I can make it maybe a bit more consciously. I am thrilled that I can watch more of Vlad Vexler from now on.

Thats a blackpill and one I intuitively struggled with for as long as I wanted to be attractive to females. Especially in the realm of sexual/ romantic attraction, on the one hand you want to be a good guy on the other hand attraction is quite clear that nice guys arent that attractive. How can you be nice but show that your teeth are intact? I have got a lot more to say on this, my unconscious needs some time to spit it out .. I got to a deepening of my position on this though. It is very clear that these dark traits are attractive but it is also clear that these dark traits are animal instinct based. So you can let them go ... ah well no, if I think about it, boobs and ass are also that and I am not letting those go ..

Epstein is worse then Tate but I am not sure about most of the people associated with him. Many of those could justify their actions through group think which is a natural human instinct. Depends on your opinion if that counts to any degree. Tate seemed to have none of that, it was kind of an original idea of him to start his sex trafficking business.

Fried again. But pretty good night though. The hugging problem comes up again though. So a dude I barely ever talked to but who is kind of in our group gave me a hug today. AAaaah, this complicates the whole power dynamics thing, because when I give him a hug again but refuse to do so with other people, but doesnt it seem rude to not hug him ... blablabla .. It cost me an enormous amount to give someone a hug first. The underlying structure is that I am not truly confident in myself socially I think. .. I gotta give this new girl I have my eyes on atm a new name. She was constantly there for like a year and kind of grew on me. She has good style as well. I could combine these two and call her something like butterfly which both grew and is also stylish but I think I just stick to sylish. She is the stylish girl. I got this kind of love letter either from her or her friend which might be a pretty difficult situation. Men I got pretty tired at the end. I went to a restaurant with friends before which was great as it warmed me up socially but it was also a lot. So I am afraid that my small talk skills werent on point. We kind of found this group though which might grow somewhere.

The juiced up look is interesting. Relatively small chest and huge delts. Giant forearms as well.

I need to remind myself, that I have plenty of sexual opportunities. That I dont follow any one of it suggests that I dont really value it. Today at my social spot I was around a girl I vibed well with. But I dont know if I would really want to sleep with her, getting so near with somebody feels kind of too much.

Went to the other social spot alone today but it also helped me immensily get in warming up. And in the end I reached a light form of state!!!