Jannes

Well there was already lots of back and forth so after all of this I am implying that I dont know if he is a scammer or not so that isnt nice. On the other hand doubt must be something he faces regularely so that was a Red Flag of him.

The 5 - 190 Euro range wouldnt be a problem though as after 10 weeks you get into the 50 Euro range. In case that will be relevant.

My RV trainer responded. He seems pissed. Terrible sign.

What a story to wake up to.

I dont even know what I did today but somehow its night and I gotta sleep.

This would go to Off-Topic btw.

My old bike dealer had a physical calender with nakes girls as the poster so you could see it openly. Quite liked that. It had an authentic charm. It fit because he was a really nice guy.

This makes me emotional.

sex-positivity

Well yeah, you are in the midst of other well trained, somewhat naked, sweaty dudes. So in a sense you enter some kind of intimacy. But its generally handled in a sort of brotherhoody way, that sort of intimacy isnt connected to sexual thoughts I think. And this wouldnt be unique to BB, think of the soccer team taking a shower after a game or some naked people withing close with nature, is that all gay? I think its homophobia in some sense. Either A: you arent gay, so why would you care to long at another guys schlong. B: you are gay, so good for you.

I am doubting RV a lot right now. And it sabotages my practice. I wrote my trainer if he could provide evidence that RV works and that people pay for it and he hasnt answered yet. Well its sunday, but I feel a sense of unease as long as I dont have an answer.

Damn thats crazy. Would also be interested to see one of them in real life, its always different in person. Yeah body dismorphia is widespread and you also unlearn intuitive eating from all the regiment. There is really nothing healthy about it at the high level. And even if you want to archieve being as jacked as possible, thats such an immature goal, like fundamentally nothing is accomplished there I feel like. Although you can say that about most sports.

Mmmh you can do it in a healthy way which makes you age more gracefully. You need to really overtrain and take stupid shit to fuck your body up I feel like. I want to be that grandpa who can still squat, imagine the extra life quality. Whoa, you mind sharing some stories?

What I dont really want to admit to myself is that I am not really comfortable with my social circle at the clubs in my city. Simply because its a status mismatch. I am way more attractive then most of them. Well and connected to that a vibe mismatch. I was wondering why I couldnt get into it but when I am really honest with myself, I just dont think of them as longterm friends. So being around them doesnt open me up to growth. Its different to other friend groups and people. I would like to be friends with them but I dont think its fully possible. Generally people with matching looks vibe together. Its so ugly to swallow.

1 + 1 = 2 is groupthink. But thats not bad conformity. Bad conformity would be to buy into the math culture, to believe in rationalist superiority etc.

My dad lol

The message is mostly on point though, he directly tackles a huge spiritual fantasy. Leos teaching style also changed quite a bit, he didnt embrace the reality of what it means to be human in this world. So for the time this critique was even more on point.

What happened to Nilsi btw?

Its a neseccary building block. But if your a cop or trooper for example and your survival agenda is so deeply mixed with being this bulding block, I think unconformist thinking becomes very hard.

Spent time just by myself which was really needed. Finally did some things which were important to me. When I was going to bed I was catching the feeling I got when I was a bit uncomfortable about the cuddle, the whole emotional body. Is that the real me? How do I access this part of myself? How do I nurture it? What does that part of myself want? Is this the self I need to navigate while everything else is me trying to avoid reality? I didnt get any real answers though. I was dreaming about playing in a soccer team. I actually really like soccer, in school I was just always less competent as all the other kids who trained more. I had a moment when I talked with a classmate about wanting to join a team, maybe as a goalkeeper. So many emotions came up back then, not really about the sport, but about the perceived sense of connection, of being part of something. I missed so much of that all my life. I wonder how it can be so natural for people to feel a sense of connection, well many had all this going on. Its so easy to socialize, if I just knew that back in the day. Could have joined a youth club. Hell in high school people even asked me. I think it was just too much to handle for me or I felt unworthy. Forgive me and forgive myself

Its interesting, I wasnt ever that insecure about it before until recently when I read that penis size actually does play more of a role then I thought in bed and women like a penis a bit above average in one night stands. I am on the lower end of average so its not catastrophic. But this insecurity has somehow really settled in my mind like a virus. Some friends wanted to go to the sauna and I didnt go with them because I was afraid .. well at least I still shower in the shower in the gym. I had sexual success before, a f+ who really wanted me so that validation kept things in check I think but I wasnt that sexually the last year so doubts creep in. I am kind of ashamed that this insecurity even exists, I feel like I should be over this kind of shit but I am not. How to shake off the insecurity?

An old member of the old theatre club is posting some shorts. She became a christian preacher. She was one of the people I tried to built some contact with to ground myself but I guess I was so unstable it was too much. But it opens me emotionally to the dimension which could have been.

The path to learning RV seems to be to learn and become conscious of how the ego mind tries to take control of RV. I learned many tricks already. I had many initial first things which came to mind which I dont fall for anymore. I notice how when my mind graps something it likes to put an association to that in my mind and doesnt view anymore.