Jannes

Not consciously though, you would have some kind of excuse. Wtf am I reading.

There are forms of suffering I was ignorant of. Have you ever tried medication which reduce hunger?

I feel shitty that I sent her that voice message. Well it was needed but it doesnt feel good. I hugged her when I met her. When she left she fist bumped everybody instead of hugging. She seemed normally social in the other ways though. If I cant control my intention to my advantage then of course I will be hesitant to do survival choices because they often create bad feelings for other people. And when its natural for me to be aware of that then it seems like I am literally doomed if I want to be authentic and survive in this world. I feel like my inner sense of social worth matches my chemical makeup which forces me in certain positions. Hard to tell what came first.

I feel really good on Elvanse in this moment. I really want a performance test, like with impro acting. My comprehension skills arent all that matter.

Yeah but it cuts out healthy foods as well. Its like saying dont eat apples because ice cream is bad for you.

That sort of appetite must suck. What have you settled into? How do you keep your hunger in check?

I dont feel good about Elvanse atm but I took half a dose anyway. This needs experimentation.

I wonder where leaving the old theatre club falls here. Well after sharing vulnerability I thought it wouldnt change a thing anyway.

Without medication I didnt really face the same rejection, well in my city at least, in Berlin it was a different story. But I also rarely made anything happen. (in my city) For all I know yeesterday could have been progress. But that I am so evasive like an eel but then glue to people when I feel like I want and can have them in my circle doens strike me as healthy and also doesnt feel healthy.

I feel so damn weird. I think its Elvanse. I just dont feel normal. It could also just be the experience yesterday.

Did you eat "clean" before?

Yeah, protein is the most satiating. What are your fat sources?

Carbs are satiating as well. How many apples are you gonna eat? How many bananas? How much brown rice? Whats not satiating are highly processed carbs and whats gonna make you fat the most is THE COMBINATION OF HIGHLY PROCESSED CARBS AND FATS. Btw. in mass phases in Bodybuilding you want most of the surplus coming from carbs because they are the most anabolic but its typically very hard to do because you just cant get that many carbs down so you make a compromise and include some fats.

There arent as many hot girls in my small city and I dont visit many different social spots so that is actually a pretty decent loss. Berlin sounds more and more important.

I think the main thing was what I was talking about. I said that without adhd medication I feel a sense of emptiness with a touch of existential pain. 🤪 I wanted to put it artistically. This emptiness is really nice though, maybe she didnt understood that. Or maybe ... idk All the signs before, idk what made her suddenly change direction.

LOOSER DAY Well at least thats what it feels like. Talked to the proud girl at my social spot again. It was really nice, we played in the round chatted a bit, I missed a ball got out of the round and she says explicitly that we can talk later and so at one point we are both in the chill area talking a bit and I say we could maybe sit down. So finally we sit there together to open up maybe a bit. I talk about whatsever on my mind, in this case adhd and how I notice how the medication affects my awareness differently. And shortly afterwards she says another round got opened. I thought she would value chatting together but I guess not. In the round we talk a little but she gets out of the round at some point and goes talking with another guy outside she seems to be close with. I noticed him before and they seemed friends and not a couple but I could be wrong. Anyway, I am a bit perplexed by what happened. I felt a lot of energy and magically make all kinds of social things happen all of a sudden which was cool. But that was a hit. And later there was this guy going around. I already saw him getting a number of a girl at the weekend, today he seemed to have another girl and quickly chatted with another girl I have seen plenty of times and casually gets her number. That put a little salt on my injury. I pushed through the night though, my inner game isnt that fragile. I still had plenty of fun. Actually this just put me closer into state. Just overcoming fear and feeling survival pressures puts me into state. If I am lulled in all the time I wont develop my state. I also wonder if my adhd medication works so well. It seem to step back. Although at another time it worked great and I talked to way more people. I dont know, I guess I need to test more.

I am drowning in mostly grief with some positive emotions mixed in about the old theatre club. Medication mixes up my whole emotional system.

I feel kind of socially akward. That can be attributed to not socializing yesterday and my current experiences though, not neccessarily the medication Elvanse.

Flew right through my RV practice today. It was a bit more then 20min I believe. I changed my strategy from waiting to get super focused to just doing it because I lost focus anyway witht the first approach and the 1 to 2 hour sessions became hell. Well I didnt really get anything right today but thats usually what happens. I cant really make comparisons or study what works because nothing so far really works.

Doesnt Ken Wilber also talk about Spiral Dynamics quite a lot? Is there material of him going into detail about it?

Yeah most people who did a low carb diet had a strong positiv emotional experience with the diet because they saw immediate success on the scale... which was water weight though and not fat. For performance cutting out carbs is bad. And it will also make you look depleted.

There is little ultra processed junk which is just made out of fat so when you cut out all carbs there is little room for junk. Thats the magic, not the cutting out of carbs. You can eliminate junk but keep filling carb sources like potatoes. Super low carb is a legitimate way to do a diet, but high protein, high fiber and filling carbs is also a way to do a diet where hunger is kept relatively in check.

I also wanted to know what medicated-Me thinks about going back to the old theatre club for a visit. Well.. not sure. The 15 years anniversary would have been a more reasonable but it makes sense why it would overwhelm me. Unmedicated-Me doesnt perceive limits, just overwhelm, Medicated-Me kind of stops my consciousness from entertaining things which dont seem enriching. The amount of energy and love required to entertain my old theatre club is insane. But thats nothing I really seem to notice without medication.

That picture of myself that I am half super solid and half barely scraping by isnt something new though.

I feel socially hurt and I did it all on my own. WTF