Jannes

I felt a very strange sense of realness yesterday when I fully accepted my evil nature in a romanticized way. I had a moment in my old theatre clubwhere where I expressed that same realness. I did it with an psycho evil face when I avoided eye contact after obviously enjoying a good view of a girls backside. To this day I am unsure about this situation. For the leader of the club it obviously shaped the perception of me as someone with psycho fragments. For myself I could never pinpoint if this truly was the most evil part I ever expressed of myself and that this part was in fact so evil that I couldnt accept that this evilness is actually part of me so my mind protects me with confusion or if this was in fact incredfibly loving and conscious of me in that moment as I aired out this evil part consciously for everyone to see "I am evil, YES I AM EVIL, BUT HERE IT IS I AM NOT HIDING IT AND IT IS THE FULL PICTURE IT NOT GOING TO BE WORSE THEN THIS.

The thought came to me when I was watching the podcast about Uddey Hussein. I really do feel like I am terrible on another level sometimes. Maybe thats why I have a certain taste for video game or movie villains. Thats some scary shadow work all of the sudden.

I wonder how much my confidence is skewed from getting much approval from my dad when I was young. Kinds with much approval can have low confidence because their expectation doesnt match reality. And I have a bit of a mixed bag, sometimes I am super feeling myself and oftentimes not at all. Could also be adhd, but I wanted to pin that possible facet as long as it enters my mind right now. Could easily forget it again.

Today at my table tennis spot I noticed how the one women tried to get in contact with me and I noticed how antisocial I am. I just completly zooned out when it was time to chit chat. This is pretty usual for me actually. Tbh I dont really want to befriend people most of the time but then I wonder why I feel all alone sometimes.

I can create a routine for a RV session for every weekday. Unfortunately the Widget doesnt order which event comes next so I have a bunch of empty bubbles all the time and need to scroll down for the weekday sometimes. This doenst give me the feeling of being in time most of the time.

In my To-Do List App I need to find a way to check tasks which are in the future. I have 1 RV session a day, but when I want to be in Berlin for some days for example, I need to find a way to do 1-2 RV sessions in advance so that I can chill there. And the app with this Widget is vital for that. It organizes my thoughts, I rely on it. Sounds silly but its really hard to do it without it.

Wrote that thought down yesterday when I was going for a walk: Because my focus is naturally less on me and I can hyperfocus on important details, naturally I will have moments where I can see and bind with people more closely then most other people could.

Even at the begginning of my twenties I always had this intuition that everything was so pretentious. We all play roles but could just drop them and see how ridiculous it all is. In recent years I completly lost that sense. Maybe I can get it back.

Late RV - session insights Whats weird is that I have two radical different programms in my mind when it comes to dating. Either full commitment, doing everything for someone or hardcore PUA mindset, not letting anyone come near me. But its often in between cases. I dont have a program for that. I might have had the intuition that i would come back to RV with more life experience My mind is so sneaky, I dont even notice when I go into unconsciousness. I ask for the target and realize a moment later, I wasnt really aware. So I try to be fully aware and it really seems like I am but each time I notice, No, I wasnt. I am kind of surviving on autopilot. I havent really allowed my mind to fully comprehend all the possibilites I could have sexually. I notice that when I think of sexual opportunites I have right now and I think: whoa how can that be, well this and much more I surpressed. Maybe 1h RV sessions just dont work for me properly. I already have problems with concentration. At the end of this session I just couldnt do it anymore. This was 46 mins now which is okay. Would like to bring the trend of less then 30 mins back. I am more thorough now though, which plays into it. My results werent that great, a few hit it perfectly and a few felt misguided. Like I had once the picture of heat from an oven in my mind and wrote heat down but I had orange mountains shining in the evening sun, likewise I had the picture of an organge almost healed open wound in my wind which in its essence (without the interpretation that it would be a wound) could have been a perfect match.

Human nature I guess. Its just that rich people have the means to live it out.

I am kind of transphobic which I hate. A friend of mine, previously male classmate is becoming more and more women. She has a new voice now. He wasnt the greatest friend but one I would be comfortable to keep in touch with but now I notice how difficult it is for me. I tried to rise above my lower instincs and congratulated their birthday and also said we could meet sometime again but now that it comes to it my mind tries to avoid the encounter so hard. At my social spot I am friends with another trans person, there its not really a problem for me somehow. If I met them it would be very hard for me and I would just be glad when its over I feel. Idk maybe not. Back when they had makeup and a dress of for the first time it was extroardinary difficult already but I managed to fight through and it ended up being okay. What would I teel a hardcore racist who is conscious that he instinctively hates black people but also that it doenst make any sense and contradicts his moral compass. More exposure? Is that the same thing even?

I had such strong Ben & Jerries cravings yesterday and today which I rarely had before. Ate some nuts opportunistically at the spot which calmed that craving. Its either just me not eating enough because the medication surpresses the feeling of hunger or my dopamine system looking for coping mechanisms because of the lack of dopamine provided by Youtube etc.

Also when I do things on my own I often feel myself much more. I have this Uber-me in my head of someone unbound, travelling around with no clear structure but always at home by himself.

I went for a walk before my RV session to ensure I get some daylight today. It felt a little wrong. I went to the outside table tennis spot at a school to have a destination. Spent like 5 hours there. What a great evening. I feel very grounded actually. I think its just that mostly a few people in their 30s and 40s were there which grounded me so much. Walking back I felt open to all the other social opportunities as well. I also went right through the social heart of my city. Also I am just so much in a routine right now. A friend in Berlin asked me if we want to go out tonight and I declined but that would be a possibility. Hooking up in my city isnt that easy because you see people all the time. And I also dont really see girl that interest me that much. I dont really like that friend though. But all of that can be worked on. I have such little duties in university, only seminars on monday and wednesday, I am insane for thinking so small. I only need to keep my RV practice up though. Maybe I need to do some pre work as doing the practice when I am out and somewhere else seems stressful and unrealistic.

Agreed, although beer finds a good sweet spot as its cheap and tastes decently so you can gulp down a lot of it. Did you want to say "If you use alcohol it should be mainly for the taste." ? I think just the way you phrased it confused me.

Tell me about them.

I recently started adhd medication and it seems like I am staying on at least a low dose. Not sure how I go about psychedelics now though. Any resources or good ideas about it?

Nah. People find all kinds of ways to get it down because they want the effect.

I wonder where this is all coming from all of a sudden, I cant really make that out. I am guessing its either because I wrote my female friend that vulnerable message and she didnt reply to it yet which keeps me hanging in a certain familiar feeling. Or maybe the stronger distraction diet, RV combined with no Youtube makes me more conscious so that underlying emotions can start to arise.

I have a lot of dreams about my old theatre club recently. Last time I dreamed about reconnecting with a girl there, today I dreamed about being on an adventure with the old theatre club. I even saw my old friend I parted way with in a painful way there and kind of hid from her because it would be painful. I saw a picture of him well dressed, with good hair and everything. At the end the leader of the club jokingly said, till tomorrow then (tomorrow would be saturday, the usual meeting of the whole club) and I got the joke and was like nah, both of us acknowledging, accepting and even making fun of that boundary. Even saw this old friend as part of my old theatre club all of a sudden. I guess they are kind of the same category. Just leaving instead of confronting is a survival strategy of mine. But perhaps not the best. I want to re-harmonize with these folks.

He seems skilled. I am socially easing up just watching him go. For the initiated, how well does he in comparison?

I am noticing how my RV practice affects my awareness outside as well. I am hard focusing on certain objects for some time, the same thing I do in RV, where I focus on one point very hard.

I kind of feel like I am on a bad trip. (without any substances aside from medication) When I started my walk I even felt a little hunted. Not even sure why. I WILL experience daylight tomorrow.