Jannes

Coming off medication is insane, its feel pretty trippy and peaceful though. I dont think I can get much done but I would be a great bf in this state. Even managing the traffic was difficult, I strictly followed the rules to not be.. even finishing a sentence is difficult. Thought about my old theatre club as well, I opened more up to the idea of going there again which is to be expected as the medications helped me with building boundaries, so without these boundaries arent as strong anymore. However I dont really have an emotional path into it, the people I am most used to I hate the most basically.

@Zest4Life I think you raise a good nuanced point about what rising over evil entails, which is not falling into traps. .. Everyone thinks of themselves as good as not evil. The mind can be used to question oneself but moreso to justify oneself. Its more about the attitude and what you value which determines if the sophisticated defense of ones behaviour is leading somewhere devilish or not. .. I would add yet another layer of geopolitcs into the mix as you can get insights there as well. The more egoish a country is, the more backlash it will get and the more it needs to defend itself. The US is an example of a country which would need less military if it would act more morally. But also countries without much self defensives capabilites will be eaten alive. Its about being as devilish as you need to be and as little devilish as you can be.

I dont take my medication today, today is a day to refresh. I already loose a lot of focus. And likely the ability to assert myself. But also my ability to love out there things increases.

I was dreaming pretty intensiley about my old theatre club again. I dont have long term relationship breakups as a reference but you could maybe make a comparison. Or I will still grief about it in 10 years or so.

I was about to skip my RV session today. I already pre worked one session and was so tired after that day, it would have been fine. But I feel like how this routine is already ingrained in me and didnt want to weaken it so I did it anyway. Well the results were shit. I need advice.

I thought about the picture of a very thin women pouring over with love for something. Love is much more beautiful in the right contrast. I dont think I had exactly this in my mind, but it let to it, the picture of a really thin person sharing their food is beautiful. I could list a bunch of pictures of a person sharing their food, from fattest to most thin like different notes on a piano but the notes express the beauty of selflessness. Of course a person sharing food is just on possibility.

Had a walk to the supermarket to buy some sweetener. I am really not lazy, its just my adhd chemistry. The walk got me thinking a bit. Everything worthwhile needs spirit. There is no real winning when you beat somebody. I am happy I didnt just leave the old theatre club outright but showed a gesture of interest. Just hating them would have left me so empty.

I want to create a piece of art which captures the paradox of how ridiciously twisted human love is but also that it is so so true from a certain POV.

But all of these status games just feel so immature. Dont I know my value?

And its not like I wouldnt have anybody. There are genuinely people interested to be friends with me, even with all the quirks.

Yesterday after I left the social spot I came in contact with my inner sense of social hurt. I said goodbye to a few people and in that moment when they wished me goodbye I had this sense of hurt. I cant really tell what it is, but I guess the moment of saying goodbye is a moment of some apparentness. Well it can be faked as well. I dont know but somehow this moment really clearly opened me up and showed me how small I feel and how much emotional pain there is.

What am I even searching for in the social domain? Well special people I feel something for I guess. Is that even realistic though?

When I hooked up witht he girl two weeks ago I invested so much emotionally. Even though it didnt lead to something, I at least was in the right mindstate for some time.

The people I feel drawn to I dont feel worthy for and the people I feel worthy for wont give me the support to overtake them.

I needed that group theraphy place.

Did paintball today and it wasnt fun. I took it super serious and I couldnt be fun about it. I threw myself on the ground in so many creative ways. Its a dumb sport, when I was winning though it felt therapeutic. In the end my rage spilled over into a bit of fun. Its not that I feel super lonely but pretty lonely. After socializing for so many days in the week wouldnt it be natural to be in a social state. Well I dont have that much social anxiety but its not like I really enjoy being social. There is something I do fundamentally wrong. Its that I dont have anyone I actually want to deepen a connection with I think. Its just soulless social chatter. I felt a bit of a spark with the artist girl but first she is in a relationship (even though she already showed interest and would maybe break up with his bf) and has so many psychological problems. But I sometimes see myself having thoughts with her in mind. I also feel strong emotional afterpain from the old theatre club. I cant really face it. I had such strong problems with opening up to people since my whole life so such a huge regress is especially painful. I dont know what to do. I need rest.

I just remember what I great phase I had in which I spit out all my struggles about the old theatre club. How much that freed me. Well thats what I need again I guess. I dont really know what it is missing atm, but I think its authenticity. I am trapped into so many social games.

🧿 > 🐈 (lol)

what? You can reach 5% body fat in that time but is it sustainable? Most diets fail outright or end in a rebound. You can translate step by step into a more healthy diet with whole foods, this alone is difficult and will make you loose weight. This is the sustainable way, you dont want to think of your diet as a diet but rather your new defeault way of eating, if you cant eat this way for the rest of your life its not sustainable. You already integrated some healthy new foods and had success, so good job with that!

I am so uncomfortable in these hugging games, today one guy I was comfortable with fist bumping went for a hug opener and I was agreeable and went for it. But this is such a status game now everyone else expects a hug and in reality I am comfortable hugging maybe my 3 closest people but thats not the meta in socializing. I wonder why this is even so hard for me. For one because I am socializing relatively late, second I am very agreeable so I am not the one intiating and idk what else. It didnt feel good at my spot, its the same soup every time and I dont really feel free. I feel free when I am in state and with new people where I have a challenge. Berlin almost becomes a necessity at this point. One guy gamed a few girls there and he seemed sucessful with the one girl I found really attractive. Thats the rough reality of survival. Tomorrow is Paintball. I left the spot a lot earlier to get more sleep. That was also a beneficial experience as I set a boundary there.

They do look jummy indeed.

What a roast. Perfect!

Did Elvanse again and it gives me heaps of energy and confidence. I make some careless mistakes though. Flew through my RV session today, well 37 min. The results were shitty. I really need some tips I think or at least reassurance that this is normal in the process, if this is not in my realm of possibility then I need to accept that.

I sometimes eat some mandarines in the evening and out of convenience I eat many of them and you do really connect to mandarines at this point. Had the same thing with apples. But you also get sick of them at some point.