Jannes

But all of these status games just feel so immature. Dont I know my value?

And its not like I wouldnt have anybody. There are genuinely people interested to be friends with me, even with all the quirks.

Yesterday after I left the social spot I came in contact with my inner sense of social hurt. I said goodbye to a few people and in that moment when they wished me goodbye I had this sense of hurt. I cant really tell what it is, but I guess the moment of saying goodbye is a moment of some apparentness. Well it can be faked as well. I dont know but somehow this moment really clearly opened me up and showed me how small I feel and how much emotional pain there is.

What am I even searching for in the social domain? Well special people I feel something for I guess. Is that even realistic though?

When I hooked up witht he girl two weeks ago I invested so much emotionally. Even though it didnt lead to something, I at least was in the right mindstate for some time.

The people I feel drawn to I dont feel worthy for and the people I feel worthy for wont give me the support to overtake them.

I needed that group theraphy place.

Did paintball today and it wasnt fun. I took it super serious and I couldnt be fun about it. I threw myself on the ground in so many creative ways. Its a dumb sport, when I was winning though it felt therapeutic. In the end my rage spilled over into a bit of fun. Its not that I feel super lonely but pretty lonely. After socializing for so many days in the week wouldnt it be natural to be in a social state. Well I dont have that much social anxiety but its not like I really enjoy being social. There is something I do fundamentally wrong. Its that I dont have anyone I actually want to deepen a connection with I think. Its just soulless social chatter. I felt a bit of a spark with the artist girl but first she is in a relationship (even though she already showed interest and would maybe break up with his bf) and has so many psychological problems. But I sometimes see myself having thoughts with her in mind. I also feel strong emotional afterpain from the old theatre club. I cant really face it. I had such strong problems with opening up to people since my whole life so such a huge regress is especially painful. I dont know what to do. I need rest.

I just remember what I great phase I had in which I spit out all my struggles about the old theatre club. How much that freed me. Well thats what I need again I guess. I dont really know what it is missing atm, but I think its authenticity. I am trapped into so many social games.

🧿 > 🐈 (lol)

what? You can reach 5% body fat in that time but is it sustainable? Most diets fail outright or end in a rebound. You can translate step by step into a more healthy diet with whole foods, this alone is difficult and will make you loose weight. This is the sustainable way, you dont want to think of your diet as a diet but rather your new defeault way of eating, if you cant eat this way for the rest of your life its not sustainable. You already integrated some healthy new foods and had success, so good job with that!

I am so uncomfortable in these hugging games, today one guy I was comfortable with fist bumping went for a hug opener and I was agreeable and went for it. But this is such a status game now everyone else expects a hug and in reality I am comfortable hugging maybe my 3 closest people but thats not the meta in socializing. I wonder why this is even so hard for me. For one because I am socializing relatively late, second I am very agreeable so I am not the one intiating and idk what else. It didnt feel good at my spot, its the same soup every time and I dont really feel free. I feel free when I am in state and with new people where I have a challenge. Berlin almost becomes a necessity at this point. One guy gamed a few girls there and he seemed sucessful with the one girl I found really attractive. Thats the rough reality of survival. Tomorrow is Paintball. I left the spot a lot earlier to get more sleep. That was also a beneficial experience as I set a boundary there.

They do look jummy indeed.

What a roast. Perfect!

Did Elvanse again and it gives me heaps of energy and confidence. I make some careless mistakes though. Flew through my RV session today, well 37 min. The results were shitty. I really need some tips I think or at least reassurance that this is normal in the process, if this is not in my realm of possibility then I need to accept that.

I sometimes eat some mandarines in the evening and out of convenience I eat many of them and you do really connect to mandarines at this point. Had the same thing with apples. But you also get sick of them at some point.

That would imply massively different viewpoints about how fundamental things function to the point that I dont think a discussion can be had until we made a deep dive to get to some basic common ground. In your direct experience you rarely ever see the earth as flat, its a simple first conceptual understanding of the world. But if you go in that direction the earth being round is a more developed concept.

Okay most people wouldnt consume just one food a day so that information could be hidden a bit better but even that would contradict SO much body of knowledge. And getting sick from malnutrition is a thing you know, not just from junk but too little diversity of healthy foods. It would even contradict that you need proteins and fats if one fruit would be enough for example. I lost the plot, are you saying the earth is flat? But even your enlightent Yogis biology is not so different from the one of an average Joe. The Yogi will also age, have the same kind of biological apparatus for moving etc. Sure he will have less stress hormones which can be measured and some differences like that, but on a whole he isnt a different species.

Subjectively you only ever saw a chunk of earth. Subjectively when you put your smartphone in front of your face the whole universe is a couple of app logos at this moment in time. The pink monster is science saying you need this amount of calories a day, calories in calories out etc. Its not a pink monster out there in another stratosphere which we cant proof or disproof, every human on earth tests the caloric thesis every single day.

I vibe with eating huge amounts of the same fruit though. There is something about it.

Picture the scale of people who would need to be fooled by this. Every human on earth needs to eat to survive and therefore comes in contact with these bio-chemical realities, so its not empty theory which most people can never prove or disprove, you come in contact with it every single day.

But the science of calorie processing is as fundamental as the earth being round.

If Sadghuru is right that is.

I had kind of disturbing dreams this night. Dont even want to get into detail but I basically negotiated precautions/ a safety net to fall back to to not get raped and in the end they didnt give a shit and took the little they could get away with.