Jannes

Some of the things I have observed were almost as cartoonish as that.

Not sure if I wrote it in my blog already but I had a nice talk with my dad about my internship which I am clueless about. But then we found that I had an internship way back in special needs education which I really enjoyed on many levels. Holy shit, I need to try that, or something similiar out again. Maybe its even possible to do similiar work with the education which I have already. A path forward!

Just had a dream. I was walking with my father and my sister somewhere, we wanted to get our car and drive home. But it looked like some kind of explosion of fire happened there recently. It looked increasingly dangerous and then we hire another explosion and something like gunfire. We turn around and want to run but my sister seems paralyzed. I speak to her very calmy: "[name of my sister] run." So this reaches her unconscious and she starts running. And I feel so great that I just managed to do that. We reach a safer zone soon after and thats about where the dream ends.

I miss having a belly laugh about myself.

Yesterday at the social spot there was a really open talk of a girl about a guy she wanted. Her (female-) friend said it like this: its like the lottery, you get no, no, no, no ... JACKPOT so you get addicted and want to do it again and again. And the Jackpot was when he took the time to fuck her. She said she couldnt walk the next day because she was in pain. He didnt even greet her today but she still has feelings for him.. ... Holy chad, this is paradigm shattering on so many levels... At least with this dimension of honesty of her a lot of things start to make sense.

I had such a weird dream. In my kids room I saw a little cat with big eyes at the balcony. I felt bad for it so I let it in. It was in distress or in some kind of need though. I tried to figure out what it was but couldnt figure it out. Then it shaped forms into something more reptilian like, like a chameleon, almost like a snake. I put it on the table because that was not something I was comfortable with. It changed forms again and became much bigger and I felt kind of intimidated by it. It was some kind of being with a giant head to smash stuff. This is where my memory ends. Important to note, I took melatonin that evening, so my dreams could have gotten more vivid because of that. But what a weird dream. My room is my unconscious private and safe space. So something sneakily disguised itself as unharmful and then showed its true colours once inside. Could be this:

I have got a cutter knife lying around recently and I dont like it. It gives me visions about cutting myself in various ways. I hope its bad conditioning from all the stories I have heard about cutter knifes. But these kind of thoughts, not just cutter knifes action in particular, but thoughts that you press away and dont allow, I wonder what those are.

In my contacts I have got a girl from the old theatre club who just put a new profile pic on. Men she knows how to flirt with the camera, she looks like a 10/10 straight up. She is good looking but not that good looking lol. I find it funny how simple my mind it. I develop feelings for her straight up just through beauty. Well, thats just how it is.

"Moral people" are paper angels.

Now ma ex even posted how she seemingly smashed another girl. ... This kind of awakens something in me just very subtly but indestinguishable in quality which I thought was a part of the past, my sexual ego. My will and pride to fuck around.

Just went into a body doubling session to calm down and collect my thoughts. Oof this is just what I needed, lets see: I want to buy new stuff for my bath -- problem: I am perfectionistic and dont know how smart it is to buy a bunch of stuff when I dont know how long I stay in my apartment anyway.. wellprobably for a bit and when I buy something somewhat versatile then I can use it in my next aparment going forward as well. So only my perfectionism is in the way. I need to find an internship. Need to make a list with places I can and want to go to. I also wrote this one person in the morning that something she did was okay and now I feel like I opened a gate that I didnt want to. This eats away at me because I feel like I blurreda boundary that I didnt want to and its eating away at my self worth. I shouldnt solve it via text message either. Thats a though one. Oh and I just got underbed store space. So I can organize more. But the one container doesnt fit under the front part of my bed just barely. I can cut a little wood off to make it fit, but I am not sure if this makes my bed dramatically less stable. Well .. I am like 50cm of the ground, so its not a safety risk. But it begs the question on wether I even want to make that or if I just want to keep it that way. I also need to make a decision on what pants to keep. The one looks great but is itching just a tiny bit sometimes. Havent decided on wether that is acceptable to me or not. Decisions over decisions, something I am quite bad at.

At an Ikea there was a mini apartment cramped together in 25qm^2. It was fantastic, there was space made for everything, with every corner being used optimally, the bath had just the right size where everything just fit comfortably but somehow cramped into just a few qm^2 to not take up too much space. Every corner in the living room had high shelves and little multi functional storage spaces. The bed had huge and high shelves around it where you could store just about everything in while not taking up too much space. My apartment is too big to be a challenge though.

Like this And then leave some newly created space open to breath.

I am in a bit of an inspiration rush to make my apartment more beautiful. Some kind of organizing tools can work great. I love it when every inch of an apartment is used optimally. Just got stowage space for under my bed. Thats the key. Living prices are high, but if you are clever about the space that you have, you get a lot more out of less space and can save a lot of money.

The one girl from the old theatre club who was posing with the other girl from the old theatre club I had beef (in the exact time I had beef with her) with now changed her profile pic to one where she is womenspreading in the middle of nowhere with sunglasses on, shirt down so that one shoulder is uncovered and some kind of bossy hat. Glad she isnt posing with that one girl anymore, but no idea what that means now. Its obviously sexual, I dont give a shit and maybe a little bossy. Maybe I should interpret less..

I think the best solution is to go to a table tennis store, try a few things and buy them there..

I just discovered Ali express and loved the prices. So I put together a ton of little table tennis equipment that I needed, committing to buying all of it when I discovered at checkout that for every little item you need to pay 3 euros extra. My own sparingness is killing me, I feel like I get a burnout.

I am super overanalyzing my environement. Saw a guy and a girl who seemed to talk about me. Thought I cut a part of the sentence " ... but he is weak". Not impossible that she is trying to get revenge on me. I mean the whole thing must have ended in a slander for her and she is pretty stage red and can mobilize a ton of people. Or I am interpreting shit because I am paranoid and have a bad past myself. Hard to tell. I am actually considering starting with material arts. Or pepper spray. Nah a shrill alarm is more clever.

Listened to very beautiful music this evening outside with friends and it made me feel a lot of pain immediately. Mostly with a girl from my old theatre club and more. Every time there is a beautiful moment I get that. Got a picture in my head of my hand halfblocking the sun because I am out of flow with the natural love.

That got me thinking a lot today. There is something like a last hold on my mental paradigm of morality that refuses to accept my situation. I have seen with my own eyes how many women would cheat or leave their bf or their engaged partner for a better option. And I whimp about it. ... well I do accept it in a way but there is like a part of me that tries to moralize it: "People wanted to act well but got carried away by their fear and desires." -- or something like that. I think people are usually selfish as f. with a bit of authentic empathy. But the latter one is far smaller then their selfishness. Morality is a social contract. If we dont live up to it we experience negative consequences, which is why it is in our interest to seem like we are a moral person and this is why we also need to tel ourselves that we are to make other people think that we are, which is why it is so difficult to speak about immoral things out of pure selfishness that we have done. How does this make understanding those women difficult though? Well maybe, to rise up to the challenge, I would need to lay my own understanding of morality aside. But my moral code means life or death to me.

Work shift is over. Men is was stressful. Especially at the bar, even though that was also the most fun part simutaniously. Most people are in agreement with that. I forgot how bad I can tolerate stress. Well maybe its a little different with medication now. There were like 3 jobs that I did. One at the bar. Most fun but also most stressful. At the entry, pretty chill. And as a runner, which I felt kind of super low status, running around partying people grabbing bottles. Maybe I need some ego work on that one. When I think about it, I liked the entry part the most.

Yesterdays note: Time to go, but I feel like my medication isn't working. What the hell. I remember taking the box and even (somewhat unclearly though) swallowing the pill. And I haven't taken it in weeks so the effect should be fresh. Not sure what is going on. Oh and I feel a lot of fear. Of what or of whom I don't know. Maybe that's what's holding me back. Whelp ready or not it's time to go.

Omg, in a sudden caffeine boost I just had a brilliant idea for a play. Traditional masculine men in a progressive/ feminist environement disguised as immigrants. To make a parallel between the prejudice and exclusion of immigrants in society and men in a feminist environement.

Feel a little rolled over. Meeting this many new people is demanding. OH, forgot to tell, have been on a little karaoke party from a friend of mine at a place I will job in now. This saturday I start.

Need a break from RV right now, but it feels bad to not finish today session, like I dont feel free which is what I need.