Jannes

Maybe a special mushroom meal could open my eyes, but in this state I really fight with the edge of my consciousness. The support is so so important for me that I cant judge things sober.

. .

Just had this crazy thought. When I have troubles connecting with other people because I experienced so much abuse because I couldnt assert myself, maybe I find connection through creating borders.. Well with some people who I knew I had some kind of power balance advantage but who were cool in general I could open up to. How pathetic on my end.

I dont really want to go to my social spot today. Its just so much atm. I dont know wether I am resisting because of trauma or because it isnt authentic to me. Which would be important to know. Well I am socializing because I feel like there is a lack so I guess I am right on track. I had this vision of having a flip turned where socializing would finally just click and it would be all awesome. Of course thats not how it works. Its slow progress. But the progress I already made is really good.

Yesterday evening: I feel weird. Well no, I think how I feel can be put more concretely. I feel pretty strong emotions and not really in control. The out of control makes sense as I spent in kind of a flow with socials spots, then with my parents, then too much YouTube. And emotionally it's a mix, sometimes I can't wait for my social spot and to see these people again, other times I feel overwhelmed. All of this support was great but I notice that creating your own love feels actually more pure. But maybe I only notice that because I feel a bit too dependent. The confidence I gathered really held up even to today. I can't really decide. There have been times where I enjoyed being around lots of people. These moments have been scarce but also what I have too keep in mind that maybe all my problems just kept me back most of the times. And then most of the time I was just looking for a few authentic connections. Deep connection is like a distant memory of mine but I think it felt so so good.

Sounds like a story Andrew Tate made up too boost up his ego and also defend himself.

My hairdresser even cut the sides of my beard down to what looks like 1mm. For some reason it looks really good, even though it didnt really look good before.

Went to the hairdresser. Luckily a guy whom I maybe only had one haircut from worked by himself today, so I didnt see the need to feel so bad for breaking a long term relationship ahaha. I got huge value from that haircut in terms of experience. Well the haircut is kind of fucked up, because the pony is way to short. But I observed very closely how he cut the rest. On the sides he only used one length which he faded with this going up technique I also used. Higher on the sides he used scissors to cut the hair shorter. In went up to a certain height and at that point left the hair as it was. I think I made a different cut but even with a different cut I could shorten the hair on top of the sides with a scizzor as well. For the area around the ears and the area behind my head where my head ends he took quite a lot of time. I knew some of the techniques he was using though. Thats the difficult part which always sucked. My sides are also shorter which looks better, but that is obviously something I can just do myself. In summary with the expection of the pony where I just made the wrong call my haircut does look significantly better. Some detail work and some cleaning work really do show. This is just motivation to do it better myself though.

About a month ago I bought a pair of shoes which were pretty much tailor made for me. The are barefoot-ish with more room for toes and are flat, they have a stylish off-white and beige mix and generally look good. They were pretty expensive though and might not fit every outfit. So I couldnt decide wether to keep them or not and waited for 30 days so I would loose my option to send them back so I am forced to commit to them. When you dont make a decision you make a decision. Well I could still sell them as new quality shoes.. NO, I am keeping them now!

Told my adhd doctor about changing my degrees and she said that maybe I could help in democrazy education, likely hinting at the rise of the far right party "AFD". I have nail polish on my left hand which probably implied sympathy with left leaning parties so that she got comfortable stating her position. I also noticed a very slight difference in how female cashier treated me, they seemed just a bit more comfortable around me -- not that they were particularily uncomfortable before but it just seems to be a little more relaxed now. This all seems a bit crazy, it brings me out of the position of a strict observer. Although when I ran around as a minimalist in black with Jeans I looked relatively right leaning as well.

Its about time to cut my hair again. But this time I thinking to go back to the hairdresser. I really just want to see if I made any mistakes and there are a few things which I feel I cant replicate that easily like cutting a cool pony. Its akward though to go back and after detching them for a haircut machine. I am thinking that I can maybe pay extra for hair + beard. There isnt much to do for my beard anyway, but it would be a sign of appreciation. After that I could settle into only haircut again or leave forever when I take all the lessons. I will make tons of pictures though.

I already boasted about how I almost perfected my beard. Well it was hard for me to admit but it didnt really work out. With my mustache at 3mm or so and the rest of 2mm it didnt match well and I didnt know why. A few days ago I accidently cut the sides of my mustache and then everythink looked in place again. I need a clean seperation between mustache and the rest of the beard, then different lenghts work really well. Not I feel like I really figured it out.

I really feel like I need to really breath in some of Alan Watts lessons here. All of this is problematic because I am looking to get a certain outcome, yet this is only possible to make happen when let that go. .. yeah some of that Jazz -- my first contact with the whole philosophy and spiritual world. 🥹

I dont know what happened today, but I binged for about 7 hours of youtube watching Pokemon and not getting anything done but still somehow feeling pretty confident at my social spot today, well, even a significant chunk more confident then ever before. I noticed how somehow I was looking to connect to one of my friends there where I was hesitant before. There is only so much confidence we can give ourselves.. Now this brings me into a difficult situation though, that girl that helped me committed in a significant way which puts pressure on me to not fuck up basically. But also the more pressure I put on myself the less things will work out I feel. Its the same with my ex f+, when we talked that there isnt any commitment, then I felt so free, easy and natural. Not sure if I know how to go about that though. I think partially because the support is so big, that its hard for my mind to do things where I would loose the support. Oh and my brain is fried anyway because of YT lolz.

Youtubers have really gone with the Flow of Youtube by now. I binged many episodes of one Youtuber which was made in such a way that there was no air to let go of focus, it was one dopamine rush without pause. I liked the episodes, but they had something unnerving about them. Now I watched an older video of that Youtuber which wasnt produced in that way and that was also more authentic and it let me breath a little and have different thoughts about the day. Youtube got really toxic.

Although actually giving my heart away and having it broken is less painful then repressing emotions.

I got so much support from this one girl that it even opened some wounds and helped me to work through them. But even with all that support it left a certain unease in me. It took me some time to articulate it. Its that I dont really understand her agenda. What is she trying to get out of me, you dont just throw love at someone for no reason.. yet I havent really seen a lack of authenticity and she even strongly smiled at me, looking directly in my eyes when I had a little flirt with the artistical girl. I had really good feelings about her before so when someone would pull off a relatively selfless manouver, I could see that from her especially when I went for a hug even though she she didnt text back.. From the people she sourrounds herself with it is likely that she knows a lot of backstory, so she kind of has an idea of who I am, which might make me a worthy investment .. Maybe she wants to be good friends, maybe she wants to date, maybe she wants to integrate me into her poly circle. Thats all fine ofc .. A guy from the social spot who made some attempts at building closeness just changed his whatsapp status so I cant see it which I interpret as a step backwards towards distance. He was opening up and already talked about that I could join him on some music place on some day if I wanted. I enjoyed his company but it was a little fast so I didnt put any signs of interest into it .. Thats exactly what I fear, that if I am too hesitant people are hurt, but also when I put a lot into it that I might burn out or make unwise decision, I dont take social hurt lightly which I know from experience .. Fuck my life.

Would post a picture what I mean but thats obviously not possible right now. Below the text chart, next to the box "Insert other media" on the left the sign with the paperclip doesnt appear after loading. So its not possible to click on it to attatch photos or files. Its also not possible to just drag them in. Has anyone encountered the same problem?

I am on Mac so I cant use shareX. I got Kap instead and creating links work. But when I put them on the forum, they dont create a picture of a gif. file:///private/var/folders/t6/9dv55py52fn59fpglsw7l1bc0000gn/T/d6dee7881c741d2ab952443890788453/Kapture%202025-09-06%20at%2013.09.30.gif