Jannes

That my package with the table tennis blad takes more then a week to arrive is though. I am checking everyday what the satus is. But given that I cant really play this week anyway it might even be for the better.

I think I just fundamentally havent come to a conclusion about what I think about trans people. You are born with specific physical traits and changing them through surgery is costing resources and impacts your health negatively. Thats a fact. That people treat you differently because of your physical appearence and that there is a difference between soft dude phenomenological experience and women phenomenological experience is also a fact. Well I throw the word fact around a lot to get some stability in my thinking.

The trans friend of mine just posted her status on WhatsApp that the health insurance is gonna pay for her genital operation. She is getting her dick cut off. Does it make me (behing my open minded and good willed persona) uncomfortable ? Idk

Its like moment wher closeness is in the air, panic, oh the table tennis round is open lets go.

There were many situations today where closeness could have been built and I ran away from it every time. I cant get anyone near me easily at all.

What a shitty time at the social spot. My nervous system was. completly overwhelmed, when I took some breaks to go outside it was heavenly. Could have stayed out the whole time when I think about it. My confidence was pretty high though which is nice.

Found a new RV group. It is tacted in 25min working blocks with 5mins break in between. Its psychologically very relaxing, you just need to go sheep mode. I was very productive but men am I toasted right now, I hope I an keep my cognitive performance up for the coming days. Now I play a little well deserved table tennis.

So my youtube blocker really puts me in a though spt right now. I was just googling how to do a chop block in table tennis and there are explanations but none of them really explain it well, I probably need a video for it. But I blocked all of that. And unblocking it just a few times fucks with my head. 99% is way harder then 100%. So what now?

Not sure about what to do next with my current housework. I have got about 6-7 pages where I explain the history of how family evolved through specific events and how social work looked at it. Now I have to crank in how social work looks at families today. I have got current positions from modern studies at hand and prepared, so I want to put that in to safe time. I have also got a whole study analyzed of the experience gay families have in schools. Maybe like this, I use the book I got recommened to reflect the current positions of social workers of gay families and maybe correct or add to that the scientific consensus which I prepared. And then do the study for what reason .. ? Hmm I need a better plan. Maybe I can work out what I already do have and then built around that. But its so condense the scientific consensus, I feel ike its better to use it to proof something.

Although I am busy with university stuff anyways, not that it makes a huge difference. I feel like on medication though I am more goal oriented in that regard .. which isnt that bad ..

Ma date just wrote me yesterday that she is busy this week but more flexible afterwards. I think she wants my full attention when we spent a date together which is understandable, but I kind of want to get the date earlier so I can now earlier if its time to move on or not. I feel like I am not totally free atm. If I was I would maybe start something else.

Took an hour or so off. Hmm I dont know what to do with free time lol. I will fall into a bit of a purposeless hole I feel like when I am done with this.

Headspace music is top notch, I have got to say.

I think my new Lassi recipe is becoming a staple.

Big Task 1/3 done.. Wohoo !!

I am letting my sides grow a little. I am getting more accustomed to more then my super thin 5mm sides. Maybe I cutting a transition again, havent done that in a long time, mostly because a straight cut takes way less time.

I managed to nap with medication today. Not sure if I should be worried, that kind of indicates that their effect isnt as strong anymore. On the other hand a nap is nice. I can substitute a bit with coffeine the coming days if I need to.

Yesterday I saw a few more angry looking men with short hair and in red joggers then usual. That event might have brough some of them into the sunlight.

I loved myself at impro today because of the medication boost. (The good one, not the elvanse shit) A friend of mine said that I was completly normal though. Idk about that .. maybe he says it because he feels threatened ... that would be my likely explanation but that would be the first time he would lie to me like that but that I am actually just normal also doesnt seem likely to me. Hrmpf..

Hmm Mango Soy Joghurt with Protein milk make for somewhat of a Lassi.

I am so tired. Am half done with one project. I am actually kind of motivated to do more but I think I need some rest.

Maybe I should run to places and that let it go when I am there..

I am functional but not really happy on adhd medication. I feel like I am constantly on the run.

She just ate a banana, I cant ...

I have giant dark circles around my eyes, people will probably tell me I look worked up.