Jannes

If it is true that my normal state of consciousness is higher then that of usual people and only because I am not good at doing survival my consciousness is chronically nerfed, that would mean if I found a way to be good at survival without social pressure I would naturally connect to high states of consciousness. Well that's kinda what my daydreams are sometimes, for example being a lonely dude in a ship in space. .. I managed to stomach today that my mom kind of makes excuses for my dad. My dad says he would work after retirement and this and that and I already knew nothing would come from this but my mom seemed like she believed him. Well my mom also points out a lot of flaws as well to be fair.

Took Elvanse and experienced a huge productivity boost. Then I experienced a lot of heavy emotions which I usually cant take on which are sitting in my stomach and throat. Also a decent amount of anxiety. I dont think those emotions are neccessarily bad, some may have been stored up in me and its healthy that they came out. Or not. Idk

I always wondered how droids and non-droids could coexist in star wars. Droids could speak in every language and hold an amount of perspectives and strategies that no non-droid could. So it always seemed like non-droids got owned for the plot, but in reality if a droid ever got so intelligent it seemed like it would be a dominant force. But here we are with with AI in the real world. AI sounds super sophisticated and can use a huge amount of data, but still it can do very little on its own. Just like in Star Wars. I find it interesting that this dynamic was already captured before AI happened in our world.

Back to some serious self development, there is this dude which I am SO FUCKING AKWARD around. It was an experiment maybe a year ago, people I was comfortable around bored me, people who stimulated me I wasn't comfortable around. He seemed stimulating so I opened up to him with the intention that I could get comfortable along the way and then have a stimulating friend. Well I didn't get comfortable and some kind of childhood trauma kicks in and the situations that I create are so fucking uncomfortable. Aaaah I thought I could explain that to him. Tell him I am awkward, not him. Tell him that if he wanted to, he could help me with taking this lightly/ jokingly.

I confronted him about it today. He kind of sold it like he was the victim of ghossip and I wanted to clear that up. He explained how he did see himself as the perpetrator which I wanted to hear and explained many stories. Without the talk I couldnt be in peace with him.

He showcased his apartment to show he didn't store any food. Ofc it could have been a trick. But also it's possible to survive a 40 day fast especially as a young healthy dude. If it was am actual fast it means he was crazy enough to risk his own life with a pointless fast, if not it means he is a liar.

I dont know the exact setup, but he filmed himself over the 40 days 24/7 as proof. I havent watched the stream but if it was made setup transparent with cameras everywhere it would be pretty hard to fake. If not he would have probably cheated. I dont know. He made a video where he said he broke the fast with watermelon. Yeah Connor lost it but I have a bit of a weakness for crazy people. I can't explain that easily.

Whut!? But he filmed himself and lost a ton of weight. Maybe if there were some off camera moments he ate something, I am not that deep into it.

The artist girl was there yesterday. It was a bit of a shock to my whole system. She is hella skilled socially, it doesnt even make sense. So I emotionally opened up but I dont really know how far I want to go. Really I created a boundary already, she has mental problems, a bf and overwhelms me, its not good.

I loved these things as a kid. Wow, how can I only remember them now. How was I emotionally detatched from them ..

I had a dream of doing it with a dude yesterday night. When I am lifted of a lot of social pressure my bi side comes out more. Weirdly in day consciousness I am basically never attracted to dudes. In my dreams I sometimes love to get nailed though.

WAIT, if it's not the case that he got shit despite being innocent then that wouldn't explain my case. Such a short time with so much pressure lifted off my shoulders.

At my social spot today I saw the proud girl again, she was there right from the start. I had a chance to ask a friend of her if she is in a monogamous relationship with that dude but I was too scared to ask. Damnit I blew a chance. I generally noticed that the spot is just so routinlike that it's boring and I am becoming boring. Either I am super funny or super boring and all of that has to do with how engaged I am. The key to socializing really is to find ways to stimulate myself. Which is why “how can I have fun this night" was always so helpful to me in the past for socializing. And also I often put so little effort into having fun. I started to put more effort into it today and it paid out, I was more engaged then usual.

He just told me he did sexual harassment. Oh my fucking God what is going on. I am not aware of any crimes that I did. This becomes very apparent when the freedom to confess them opens up and nothing follows. Aaaaaah I don't know what to think of my friend now.

I asked if he did anything wrong or did anything that could even be interpreted wrong but he didnt reply yet. I guess he fucked up a little at least.

Whenever I speak my mind and get a pure conscience I feel an even bigger inpurity because I start to believe that I am not evil anymore.

RV notes from a few days ago which seemed fire (I should really use my Laptop for my RV targets, so I can use my phone to write them down right away) I wonder if my RV blocked when my ability to awaken is blocked as well Later yesterday I imagined my very next move and thought like I was god Frame over truth with the wpmi-girl all the way

So I talked to him about it. And he replied that he experienced the same. Multiple women there accused him of sexual harassment. I assume he implied that he didn't do shit to deserve it. I am loosing my fucking mind. This place has to be nuked with truth.

I have no real concept of what I want from my outfit but sometimes there is a spark. This is a spark. 100 Euros though..

Talked to a few yesterday about what happened which is pretty huge for me. I didnt dare to before. And it feels good. Now the boyfriend of my friend also wants to know whats up.

Saw a few stylish dudes today while shopping. I am always like I dont really need style but then I see an outfit perfectly put together like a piece of art and then I want it as well. But it costs money, is bad for the environement etc. ..

Were back baby!

I fucked up so badly with my messages. Paddled back today like a little bitch and made some critical errors along the way as well. Super 60 iq move. Well I did it and I need to live with the consequences now. I need to reground myself.

Mostly politics so meh

That I have been binging youtube for 5 hours doesnt help that case .. although idk it might even help.