Jannes

If I am pinched against a wall and murder seems like my only escape I would probably do it. I definitely felt like I wanted to get a big revenge in my life before but never to the extent of murder I think. Moreso humiliating them or something. Probably most likely in an immediate life threatening situation where my animal brain just takes over and goes nuts.

@trenton What keeps you with your family? What resources do you have to get out of this situation?

Oof I like this: "If this person has harmed me so badly that they have made my life unlivable and intolerable, then the consequences of my actions become irrelevant. The goal in murder is not to get away with it, but rather to ensure mutual destruction knowing there will be no victory." A bit like with my old theatre club at times, not murder, but fuck them even if if fucks me up.

I wonder what would happen to my psyche if I had an affair with someone. I never let it happen but it also cuts me off from understanding. I would probably regret it though. But then that would be a direct experience and not theory. ... that really got me thinking hard ( https://www.actualized.org/insights/actualized-quotes-757 )

Yes you do "masturbate" in violent video games, you fight and shoot people and get your thril, your bloodlust satisfied. Well okay, but they do imitate real people oftentimes. But if you think this is true, do you also think then that hentai is safe?

I have had the thought before that humans may be striving for some sort of chaos because thats what their psyche needs. A super orderly and perfect world isnt acceptable because things like struggle and war are needed elements for the human experience. I recently got that exact same intuition reflected somewhere else. Its just speculation but it originates somewhere. I think this is something that could be discovered in a few centuries and then be common knowledge. But because humanity might have peaked in the 2000s, its time to experience humans fucking up/ manifesting that inner strive for a balance of peace and chaos.

I think smoking cigarettes and weed and alcohol are a completly different category then masturbation. Like its a pretty basic need of your body. You can cut delicious cheeseburgers, but you cant cut eating at all. I figured out a more boring solution for myself. I learned to notice the difference between masturbation as a physiological need, like when my body just needed to get a load off and masturbation as a way to escape reality, like when I had a though task to do and all of the sudden feel the "need" to masturbate instead. The second one is where you get all the cons of masturbation from in my experience. I just try to be more and more mindful of my masturbation habit.

I think thats actually true. Lust is definitely a deadly sin without wanting to be all christian about it but men (and women) do a lot of shit to get sex. But the thing is, thats nothing new to society and women are somewhat prepared for that and they are also interested in sex. So there is a bit of mutual understanding going on. But most men should probably still be trying to look more for a personality match with a girl then just maximum sexual opportunism.

Thats like sying video games make you violent which is a plausible theory but in reality that doesnt seem to be the case. Seems like people can differentiate (this sort of) fantasy and the real world pretty well.

There is so much existing porn already, I dont get why new porn needs to be created unless for some specific new fetish or something. The evil was already done, just reuse all the existing stuff.

Some of the things I have observed were almost as cartoonish as that.

Not sure if I wrote it in my blog already but I had a nice talk with my dad about my internship which I am clueless about. But then we found that I had an internship way back in special needs education which I really enjoyed on many levels. Holy shit, I need to try that, or something similiar out again. Maybe its even possible to do similiar work with the education which I have already. A path forward!

Just had a dream. I was walking with my father and my sister somewhere, we wanted to get our car and drive home. But it looked like some kind of explosion of fire happened there recently. It looked increasingly dangerous and then we hire another explosion and something like gunfire. We turn around and want to run but my sister seems paralyzed. I speak to her very calmy: "[name of my sister] run." So this reaches her unconscious and she starts running. And I feel so great that I just managed to do that. We reach a safer zone soon after and thats about where the dream ends.

I miss having a belly laugh about myself.

Yesterday at the social spot there was a really open talk of a girl about a guy she wanted. Her (female-) friend said it like this: its like the lottery, you get no, no, no, no ... JACKPOT so you get addicted and want to do it again and again. And the Jackpot was when he took the time to fuck her. She said she couldnt walk the next day because she was in pain. He didnt even greet her today but she still has feelings for him.. ... Holy chad, this is paradigm shattering on so many levels... At least with this dimension of honesty of her a lot of things start to make sense.

I had such a weird dream. In my kids room I saw a little cat with big eyes at the balcony. I felt bad for it so I let it in. It was in distress or in some kind of need though. I tried to figure out what it was but couldnt figure it out. Then it shaped forms into something more reptilian like, like a chameleon, almost like a snake. I put it on the table because that was not something I was comfortable with. It changed forms again and became much bigger and I felt kind of intimidated by it. It was some kind of being with a giant head to smash stuff. This is where my memory ends. Important to note, I took melatonin that evening, so my dreams could have gotten more vivid because of that. But what a weird dream. My room is my unconscious private and safe space. So something sneakily disguised itself as unharmful and then showed its true colours once inside. Could be this:

I have got a cutter knife lying around recently and I dont like it. It gives me visions about cutting myself in various ways. I hope its bad conditioning from all the stories I have heard about cutter knifes. But these kind of thoughts, not just cutter knifes action in particular, but thoughts that you press away and dont allow, I wonder what those are.

In my contacts I have got a girl from the old theatre club who just put a new profile pic on. Men she knows how to flirt with the camera, she looks like a 10/10 straight up. She is good looking but not that good looking lol. I find it funny how simple my mind it. I develop feelings for her straight up just through beauty. Well, thats just how it is.

"Moral people" are paper angels.

Now ma ex even posted how she seemingly smashed another girl. ... This kind of awakens something in me just very subtly but indestinguishable in quality which I thought was a part of the past, my sexual ego. My will and pride to fuck around.

Just went into a body doubling session to calm down and collect my thoughts. Oof this is just what I needed, lets see: I want to buy new stuff for my bath -- problem: I am perfectionistic and dont know how smart it is to buy a bunch of stuff when I dont know how long I stay in my apartment anyway.. wellprobably for a bit and when I buy something somewhat versatile then I can use it in my next aparment going forward as well. So only my perfectionism is in the way. I need to find an internship. Need to make a list with places I can and want to go to. I also wrote this one person in the morning that something she did was okay and now I feel like I opened a gate that I didnt want to. This eats away at me because I feel like I blurreda boundary that I didnt want to and its eating away at my self worth. I shouldnt solve it via text message either. Thats a though one. Oh and I just got underbed store space. So I can organize more. But the one container doesnt fit under the front part of my bed just barely. I can cut a little wood off to make it fit, but I am not sure if this makes my bed dramatically less stable. Well .. I am like 50cm of the ground, so its not a safety risk. But it begs the question on wether I even want to make that or if I just want to keep it that way. I also need to make a decision on what pants to keep. The one looks great but is itching just a tiny bit sometimes. Havent decided on wether that is acceptable to me or not. Decisions over decisions, something I am quite bad at.

At an Ikea there was a mini apartment cramped together in 25qm^2. It was fantastic, there was space made for everything, with every corner being used optimally, the bath had just the right size where everything just fit comfortably but somehow cramped into just a few qm^2 to not take up too much space. Every corner in the living room had high shelves and little multi functional storage spaces. The bed had huge and high shelves around it where you could store just about everything in while not taking up too much space. My apartment is too big to be a challenge though.

Like this And then leave some newly created space open to breath.

I am in a bit of an inspiration rush to make my apartment more beautiful. Some kind of organizing tools can work great. I love it when every inch of an apartment is used optimally. Just got stowage space for under my bed. Thats the key. Living prices are high, but if you are clever about the space that you have, you get a lot more out of less space and can save a lot of money.

The one girl from the old theatre club who was posing with the other girl from the old theatre club I had beef (in the exact time I had beef with her) with now changed her profile pic to one where she is womenspreading in the middle of nowhere with sunglasses on, shirt down so that one shoulder is uncovered and some kind of bossy hat. Glad she isnt posing with that one girl anymore, but no idea what that means now. Its obviously sexual, I dont give a shit and maybe a little bossy. Maybe I should interpret less..