Jannes

Felt like shit today at my social spot and I couldnt quite grasp why. One of the reasons was that I spent time with my family, which was good, but also kinda nulled me so it took time to get back into socializing. But even with that life just felt so awful, I just would have like to cuddled with someone to tank energy but I dont have anyone.

I still didnt get an answer for my email I wrote about a week ago explaining my case. It feels so long that I already begin to feel that I wont get an answer. But I likely will.

A part of my soul sorta left my body the last couple of weeks. Which is also why I didnt write that much in my journal. That and shame that others read about it. I know this is my safe space but I know some lurkers read my journal from time to time and I was ashamed of it. Anyway I already introduced the topic before, I am just quoting this from time to time here and try to write without holding back.

My task till that day is too look for what I did wrong to get bad results. Well I am trying to do that for as long as I practice. I usually notice differences when things outside, like social dynamics, change.

My RV session SUCKED today. I was completly out of it because I couldnt practice as well the last couple of days. I should now write him after 10 hours of practice for our next coaching session. Darn ..

LOL , I just had such a symbolic dream. I was in the classroom and one of the guys there I knew from back then asked for a friendly fist bump which he got. Then my bully asked for one as well. I declined saying that he was a bully which seemed to have struck him very deeply. He sat that and took it like a massive hit he needed to process. I always felt bad for him. It seemed like just before tears rolled out his eyes he changed seats. LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOL Dreams with my ex-bully always carried a lot of meaning and showed how I developed and overcame what I was forced to be back then.

I like the white shirts of Peter Ralston. I would look like a wanna-be saint with those though.

BRRRT

I just said what its function is, I didnt comment on wether that is a good thing or not ... I dont think society would change in such ways, no one would be really happy with that, not even the women. Look at the tradwive movement as a counter movement.

You know me so well that I am predictable to you? Well I exaggerated my point a bit but the "blue pill" helps to hold society together morally. Your claims about incels are very interesting, can you back them up with data?

To hold society together. Otherwise incels would start a civil war.

No

I dared to go to my social spot again. Everything was good. Although I was scared SHE or someone of her gang would show up. I had quite a lot of fear actually and it will take a while until things will return to normal. But I feel like I am getting my voice back. My internal voice as well, I was too pulled into this survival situation.

For how long have you been doing it? What is your experience with it? I am not sure what to think about this mind reading stuff. Her orange glasses look super cool but make her look like a performer, but thats just a small detail.

OMG the post truth AI slop

Havent watched Harry Potter but this is hilarious

FUCK .. So I just got an email that I got exmatriculated from my university because I didnt take any courses in my original degree program. Now I just realized that my bafög agency will get notified probably. I put courses back into my program so I can continue studying but the notification might get out there anyways. I kinda had a feeling I needed to take some courses last semester to be on the safe side, dont know why I didnt do it. I mean I am deceiving on purpose so I shouldnt feel so bad for getting caught but still.

The war IS fucking up the global economy.

One of Leos best blog posts imo

I told the situation two people today. In a way I connected much more to everybody then usually. I made the experience before that when I do something wrong but talk about it and still feel accepted I actually feel much more part of the whole.

In a way the trip didnt really have much character, it was just elevated consciousness kinda without much taste. Well a bit lovely and sexual taste it did have tbh. Kinda like how shrooms used to be when I think about it. Although they were also more muddy. A good lsd experience was also great though ..

Again today. About 9-11mg. One regular scoop (4mg) and one with a little extra. The experience definitely felt more intense, although not uncomfortable. I felt this infinity energy again. In a way all throughout the trip but especially noticeable at the come up. Its just such a clear substance, no fog but increased consciousness. Not increased enough to deconstruct my sense of self or death or anything though. I was in the right headspace to think about such things though. I also thought and became conscious of a lot of things I previously hid from my consciousness. Like feelings I had for some girls in my past. The substance feels pretty healthy on my body. The main concerns are that it just feels pretty intense, I would like to have a secondary objective measurement like a smartwatch that watches my pulse. I didnt feel my heart beating like crazy but I wasnt really in the right space to tell. Also I always get really cold and I get a bit of a shivering. Its the same with shrooms or lsd. I definitely need to take a break. Not sure what the next increase will be.

Today at impro we had a complete men group. 4 dudes. The first time no girl was part of the group. I immediately felt the change in power dynamics and me more as an outsider. There was basically one alpha and two dude kinda following him and I was acting a bit outside of that dynamic but also like an outsider. We are adults though, why the hell do dynamics like this still come up.. thats a big reason why I prefer girls as friends. Its problematic though as just platonic friendships are hard to get. Anyway at some point they talked about really sensitive stuff. Like personal experience with suicide thoughts and so on. A men group sharing feelings. I shared the least but also a chunk. Pretty wholesome if it wasnt for the feeling that I was left out a little.

What a dangerous identity though.. well when I loose connection or remember the meaning of capital L Love that is.

My experience with Malt so far. So first time 4mg was by far the strongest experience, in the come up that is. These waves of flying through hyperspace. Yesterday 4mg and the come up was completely different. None of that infinity energy, but some uncomfortable feelings at first. The music had a big impact, I switched to a more fun track and the whole trip changed. Today 6mg and the come up might have been the easiest so far. Basically no discomfort. I thought a lot about my past self. I thought that I touched true love once and kind of built my identity around it. That's why it is so hard to deconstruct, maybe only really at higher states of consciousness. And there was so much love and idealism in my heart which I let go from over time. It was a bit of a shock, a bit of a flood to those energy reserves which had been emptied for so long. I also don't really know when the trip ended because it wasnt as strong and didnt have any visuals and was very clear.