Jannes

I finally wrote the names of all of my close neighboors down so that next time I get asked if I take a package for someone I can confidently say yes or no, depending if they are on the list or not. Wanted to do that for at least a year or so, so great that this finally happened.

I always wondered how one person in my old theatre club was such a prodigy, so much more gifted in acting then everyone else. He was gifted for sure but I think it was also his nervous system being constantly firing. He was living pretty hardcore and had the support to ground himself, which put him in a natural position to perform intense roles. I came to that conclusion back then and I come to it again. Coming to that conclusion because I feel like my friend acted that well today because his nervous system seemed on fire. And I notice the same thing about myself.

At impro theatre I always play with socks because I feel more grounded. It makes a big difference to me.

I feel like this about ADHD sometimes too. Well the hyperfocus can be misguided as well, like when Trump though there would be a trap when the escalator didnt work properly at the UN meeting.

Had a short moment where I got into the mood of telling a poem. I layed on the coach there, it was perfect. Then someone ringed at the door to get their package. Even though it was just like 20 seconds, it shocked my nervous system enough so that I couldnt reenter that state. This is very painful. I remember being thrown out of an almost mystical level love meditation by my ignorant mom back home. I will never forgive her for that. I never reached the same intensity and depth in meditation like back in my last school days. Hmm I experienced the biggest stage orange drive and was pretty aware from not being able to distract myself in school from youtube and even at home I rarely consumed anything and had the self control to not even look at the screen. I had a mad drive going for a year of NoFap. But all of that also resulted in having more sucessful meditation interestingly. When you have so much control that you can force a no thought meditation to happen .. thats quite something. Maybe just having a more active week and less distraction will get me mostly there, or perhaps my change in attitude really did make it more difficult.

I feel like we got some new company after Leos new video dropped.

At the cafeteria was a weird mood though. Silence. And he seemed just a touch more distant. But they talked with each other and it seems good, just takes a bit of time until it stabilizes again I think.

I am just describing what I am feeling, not what logically makes sense.

I did his program back in the day and made zero gains. Looking back his whole shtick is just selling existing exercises by mystifying them and presenting them as more special then they are. And also the legit insight that forearm, glute and neck training does a lot for your appearence to be fair. He gives the ultimate gym bro advice.

I was explaining chatgpt the situation in full detail which is a bad habit. But it kind of highlighted many instances where she was definitely very interested and likely just overwhelmed with her nervous system which is why she was defensive. That plot made some sense. At the same time I feared the whole time that I might loose a friend with whoms girlfriend I have a good connection with and was already thinking about back to my old theatre club if things arent getting better either way. Then at the impro spot that guy was completly on fire, he never acted that well before. And other people had strong performances as well. This provoked two things in me. For one the connection with the guy seemed fine after all but it requires a lot of emotional adaptation which started in that moment. And second I doubted strongly that I was actually that attractive with the girl if the other guys could act that well. The plot that she was overwhelmed by me seemed less reasonable and so I stronger sense of guilt and shame came up. I can kind of name these dynamics at least but I still feel kinda shitty.

A lot of uncomfortable emotions come up. Eww I guess its because I took my medicinet so early today, that it lost it effect already.

You need above average genetics for that. I dont think I could reach these numbers, even if I committed my life to it.

RV - session went okay today. Actually had a couple of really good hits but also mostly misses. 52 mins. No notes .. WHAAT!? I had the idea of creating a simplified Metagame on Pokemon Showdown for Newbies from Level 1 to 3. It would entail most of the core mechanics but it would be vastly resuced in available Pokemon to like 20 maximum, types, movepool, items etc. so that you could get it relatively quickly as a newbie. But even with that you could integrate most of the core dynamics. And because it would be such an artificial format it could be designed with the compedetive intent and not be up to Gamefreaks random ideas. I blocked all Pokemon but can still do research on my Phone. This and my creativity and Game knowledge is enough to distract my mind a ton. I know if I would just play a little I would be an addict for the next couple of days. Repressing that was hard in the RV - session. I guess its because I do this dopamine fasting atm. Well I dont really care about dopamine fasting, I just dont want to get distracted/ unpurify my mind.

Just had an idea for a foursome. Two very emotionally intense and ungrounded people A&B (adhd folks for example) have sex with each other. Their sex is completly over the top intense because they can reach both reach incredible emotional and awareness peaks. But they are also very ungrounded and burn out relatively fast. So each of them has another person C&D that is really grounded but not as intense. C&D prolong the sex of A&B as they help to regulate their emotions and keep them from burning out. So A&B have amazing sex. C&D on the other hand also benefit from regulating the emotions of A&B because they co-experience the desire and emotional ups and downs of person A&B like watching an intense movie.

Anti feminism can have different faces. It can have the face of forced marriage or the face of an unconscientious pick up artist. In the first case its anti-relationship/ anti-marriage because its forced, in the second one its anti being used as a piece of meat. So it can be both. .. I feel like generally pre-feminism relationships are in a sense a lot simpler and feminism might pressure women towards trying themself out and not committing that easily, just as there is/ was much pressure on women to be successful in their career. Just a careful take on this matter.

I had many difficult RV - sessions, but this one felt like a different beast altogether. My mind is going insane, it feels impossible to calm down my mind for RV. Ideally you want to enter a no-thought zone, I did that often but right now it feels like a distant memory. At the second part I happened to just my background so I strong contrast of black and white was created instead of the usual soft contrast of light-wood with white. That seemed to increase my awareness quite a lot. There were two moments in which I felt relatively confident that I actually got the essence and not just an interpretation of my mind and I was super on point with those. My target was a waterwall and for movement I had "fall" and for color I had acryl and brightblue. I am really happy about that.

Now that I really blocked all my Youtube my mind is in panic mode looking for distraction. Its quite intense, a lot of emotions hit me. Especially in my stomach area.

When you are a beginner almost everything works. Whats argued about is whats closest to the perfect training strategy, as this is required to make gains after so many years of training.

It doesnt say much. To maintain muscle you only need to hit maintenance volume which is pretty low and thats what he hit with this program. Strength gains are to be expected and doesnt contradict high volume training which doesnt aim to make you as strong as possible. Powerlifter train short and intense, thats how you train your central nervous system. The body recomp result show he lost 5.5 pounds of fat and 1.8 pounds of muscle, thats okay I guess. That the dexa showed that he gained 0.5 pounds of muscle and lost 2.3 pounds of fat is really impressive. He himself said that this would be in the realm of error though. And it would also imply that the results from Day 1 to Day 30 were that he lost 2.3 pounds of muscle and 3.2 pounds of fat which is pretty horrible. Its also just a one case study. Jeff clearly has above average genetics for bodybuilding which means he has more fast twitch muscle fibers as they get bigger then slow twitch muscle fiber. Which also means he needs to train shorter and more intensely then the average person.

I finally turned youtube off for real this time. The block didnt work, I could still write down some title of a youtube video I know from memory and could find the youtube link and then watch into on the forum. I made a block on uBlacklist so this isnt possible anymore. I think I was kind of scared of doing that, my mind is already looking for other ways to get stimulated.

Gosh, my RV - session was a struggle today. 1:08 min, the longest sessio thus far. I feel very refreshed from the session interestingly though. Have a bunch of insights from the session again. The girl kind of saw me as an intellectual even though I dont study a lot. Its the same with some other people as well. there is this scene in the witcher series where the guys says better boring and safe to jennifer Pokemon creates a bunch of dualities like types: grass, fairy, fire, ... and then from these structures certain forms are victorious over others. Kind of like reality. I am really trying to understand RV. Not sure if other students do that, hearing from Leo and Wilber might give me an adge there. Maybe I can learn it faster. Maybe RV is just a mindless technique that gives ok results even if you dont get it, but when you get it, you might master it. Interestingly i didnt think about RV for money for all this times again.. until now argh

I have some feelings for the girl. It was the same with a girl in Berlin I made out with (no sex though). If you spent a lot of time in physical closeness emotions are about to happen. So even with a relatively small sample size I can nail this pattern down. So with the mariokart&chill girl it was maybe right to be cautious. I would have had feelings for her, even though I only wanted sex.

Interestingly though I had quite the artistic moment this morning which I translated into one insight for my insights journal at least. Maybe more would have come if I didnt take medication. Thats a potential pattern to look out for.

I am feeling quite a lot of unease. Maybe all the emotions from not taking medication for a day need to be dealt with in combination with the experience which needs to be processed. Thought about if I should do medication or tea today, but my emotions are so strong, I rather do medication and be safe.

On empathy If you truly increased your level of empathy to all the things around you it would tear you to shreds. Only a proportional amount of love would hold you together. Empathy is increased consciousness in a horizontal way. It doesnt transcend the current state. .. Is all the suffering in the world really proof that love doesnt exist, or is it proof that LOVE does exist, as how else would reality hold together? We take that reality holds together for granted which is the result of seeing reality as a mere cold and mechanical thing.