Jannes

I am kind of off track with my spiritual work. And I completly forgot that it may be possible to get 5meo malt. Magic Truffles dont really work on me anymore for soft theuropeutic work, but I havent yet experienced God realization.

Met my doctor for adhd today. I didnt come with notes. I mentioned my social problems again and she mentioned that she would be willing to help if I wanted that. Damn. She always seemed pretty cold so I am not sure about it, but in the moment I agreed to it. She said I can think about it until then. Also got an App which I dont quite understand yet but it seems I am getting support there. For medication I could get other options as well. I am not sure if I want them though.

Too charged to clearly think about it though.

Its going much better then I expected. I wasnt sure if I actually presented all of my fears correctly but it does feel like I get an answer to a question which feels authentic.

I am trying to wrap my head around this. It does hit a nerve of insight flow from the last time I opened up and got rejected, yes I will loose a perceived sense of control in this which fertalizes the ground for something new to emerge -- MAYBE. Or I will just be depressed and dont trust anyone anymore for the rest of my life. Are you sure about it?

When I actually open up all the parts that are hiding inside me and then get cheated on. Would I be though enough to take it? Thats scary.

You are right. What do you mean?

Thank you. One very important milestone for my development is to actually commit to a partner which I never did. Thats the predicament.

RV-thoughts: Maybe I am scaling down my charisma because I fear that I am liked too much, because that would put me in situations where I need to connect constantly which I am uncomfortable with ... Overweight women were often raped, so that extra weight is kind of a felt protection shield. When people callibrate their emotions they change their state of consciousness depending on the situation ... In a limited way we have the power to form our consciousness. I forgot to put attention on non-symbolic consciousness when RV. That was the trick before and I forgot about it. There is a difference between saying "no thoughts" or "lets switch to "non symbolic consciousness". The first signals a complete shutdown while the second just changes my attention. Thought and awareness are so strongly linked in our understanding of the world, I really hit some of the structure in which we think here.

I already feel uncomfortable about this thread. It slips out of my "non-ego hands".

Its not all bs, but too much

With 300 Million people in the country ofc you will get some of those. The question is just what the percentage is.

I am also not really initiating a whole lot. With people I like I can make the first step. Why the hell do I not do it .. Also everything points to a self help group. I think I could gain a lot from it.

I am not feeling that good today and I dont know why. Well an ex-female member of the old theatre club unblocked me. After 2 years or so randomly. My only explanation is that she talked to the older old member of the theatre club which I talked to with whom I talked about a girl I am seeing at the social spot often that he knows who told him about me which gave her a better feeling about me. Maybe that just brings me into this old role. Hard to say why I am not feeling good. What I also need to reflect on is that I definitely could be friends with so many people. I just hesitate and turn my back bc I dont like the feeling of connection or I am not used to it. But then why am I not that confident? If I deeply knew that I was likeable then wouldnt I be confident? So I dont know if my resistance is actually stemming from a perceived sense of not worthyness when I would actually like to connect or if I actually do not like connection. I also seem to be very unaware of which kind of connections are good for me and which arent. The social spot seems to drain me a lot. Monday seems to built me up a bit. Well categorically 1 on 1 conversations feel much better to me then groups.

If you have ND please share what you have as well. I have ADHD myself. edit: Gpt 5.2 🧠 A Quick Summary Dyslexia – ~5–10 % ADHD – ~5 % globally Autism – ~1–2 % Dyspraxia – ~5–6 % Dyscalculia – ~3–6 % Tic disorders (e.g., Tourette) – <1 % Combined neurodivergence – ~15–20 % overall With self reports it can be a good chunk more.

I struggle with this in a social context a lot. I need a lot of time to let people close to me, the social world moves at a much higher speed then I am comfortable with. Hugs are kind of part of the whole game so I do them even though I dont fully feel comfortable with them. But I am not really following my inner compass with this, you know when you feel your inner voice of I wanna hug this person because it feels good and this person because it feels good, its all just mudded for me so I going about it logically and when I feel overwhelmed that manifests itself kind of autistically.

Oh wow.

Not in a serious way. I think I would feel more akward then on a date tbh. What is your experience?

Its the same with a girl I matched with on Bumble. Short connection and I retrieve. Connecting doesnt feel good. Well at least not immediately.

In Germany its like 0 - 20 Dollars (converted from Euro). But if its to costly then there will be other options. There will be other broke people like you or not?

I was contemplating if I am autistic bc of your post, thats also why I use that wording. Its possible that I am autistic. The biggest counter argument is that I can read people intuitively. Actually I think I am really good at it. And much of it can overlap with adhd and a large body of bad social experiences in my life.

I came to the realization yesterday, that socially I am always in a state of wanting to flee. I dont really enjoy connection. Well, I learned to open up to it a bit more. Just sharing a funny moment together with eye contact and enjoying that, not just performing, is actually a pretty big step.

I woke up with the same inability to stabilize my emotions to a comfortable level. Thought about going on a train ride today. Just a train ride.

Youtube and chill tonight. I slept so much on the day, I dont think can sleep at a regular time today.