Jannes

(from inside playdead)

My old theatre club put 2 more events on its page. It aint completly dead I feel happy about it .. huh Well thats my first emotional reaction at least

Okay she still didnt write me back. I cant help but not make any early assumptions, thats just how my brain is wired.

I think when I am honest with myself I probably realize that we didnt vibe that well. When I am honest with myself that is ..

Asked her if she likes billiard about 6 hours ago and she didnt reply yet. Nnnghh .. thats not a good sign at all. STOP I am overthinking this.

I was emotionally not really about what to do with my last date. Our first date wasnt a perfect match but somehow the onlynext date I could think of was cooking at my spot which is quite intimate and risky if it doesnt go well and I want to keep a nice connection with her afterwards. I dont think she asked me out to smash with me so a quick nut would be the wrong direction + its not actually what I really crave, I want connection as well. Just got the perfect idea, BILLIARD!! Its fun, light and not to intimate. Well if she is interested in it ofc. But in suggesting that I give a good direction.

I bet I said this just to flatter myself/ feet my spiritual ego.

My distrust in the stories of my own mind is really something lol ..

I wonder if all of this table tennis optimization really does me any good. Table tennis is not really survival for me, I do it for fun. Yet I turn it into a survival thing and take fun out of it I think. With my bad table tennis bat, table tennis was already pretty fun, I was just so limited in what I could do. Thats all. I have got all the materials to learn all the new shit I always wanted now. Planning a new bat is kind of fun but also painful in a way. I am passionate about it, "thrilled", "activated" , but also not really at peace I feel like. Idk Probably a developmental thing. Maybe I have more things to say about it later. Its weird, I may be in a lot of joy if I just put the cheap rubbers (with which I can learn all the new techniques) on my blade .. or maybe I am fooling myself with the next thing (camouflaged as a step back).

That the other person is intellectually curious seems to be a requirement for a partner of mine. I feel at home whhen I can philosophize and share my thoughts and when the other person can catch them and can give me new impulses. Not sure about how the exact dynamic like I dont think that I would be super interested with a debate partner ... but whats important is the ability to catch my thoughts and some sort of interest.

Like you need to accept that you are gonna hurt some people just by trying things out and learning. Going on a second date with someone to see if you match with them and then not wanting anything afterwards is perfectly okay, even if the other person feels rejected or feels like you wasted their time on them.. RIGHT!? How else are you gonna find out.

Had something like a date in the train yesterday. I talked to someone who also feared not catching their next bus and with that we chatted for about 2 hours or so. I stopped myself a bit though because I wanted to meet the other girl for a second date so this didnt feel that right. I think moral escapement has a really tight grip on me and may be the source of a lot of my problems.

I was thinking about the nature of humor a bit recently and got the idea that for one humor is very culture dependent and second because of that by trying to understand jokes that arose from a completly different cultural background then your own you can actually understand another culture a lot because there is often a lot backed into a joke. I asked chatgpt for a few. Japan — The Apology Loop A: “I’m sorry I’m late.” B: “No, I’m sorry you had to apologize.” A: “No, I’m sorry that you’re apologizing.” B: “No, I’m sorry for making you feel you had to apologize.” Both bow. Finland — Too Much Conversation Two Finnish men are sitting in a sauna. They sit there silently for three hours. Finally, one man says: “It’s getting warm.” The other man looks at him. “We came here to relax. You don’t have to start a conversation.” Mexico — The Albur A: “Do you like spicy food?” B: “Of course.” A: “So you like having things put in your mouth?” B: “Only if I’m the one putting them there.” A: “So you admit you like putting things in your mouth?” B: “Only things that belong there.” A: “Then why are you talking to me?” Russia — The Optimist “How are things?” “Could be worse.” “Really?” “Yes. It could be tomorrow already.”

Someone from the Telekom just came around to do a contract with me. She was smoking hot and asked to get in so we could make the contract. Could have been the intro to a porn what the hell.

Haha and I played against the goat today. Well at least the table tennis goat of this social spot. He has an elo of 1800, so he is a good club player, but not world stage exceptional or anything. But still the way he plays he looks like he could be right up there for the untrained eye.

It really feels like I was overstimulated yesterday and am still in aftershock/ recovery mode from it. And for some reason I am so tired from socializing today, or maybe it was because I needed to concentrate a lot because of the chinese rubbers not sure.

I tested the chinese rubber today and I have no idea what to think. They are more controlled for sure but I dont think the spin is insane. I can also play topspins relatively comfortably like its not as much of a challenge as I thought. I played chops again which I never played in months because my material is to fast. Oh and also fun underspin balls. And I also felt that because of better control I had better placement.

I feel a bit of a sense of being "caught". I am swimming in my uncomfort zone and noticing my (partially overblown) emotions cold. In other words I am feeling some Ouchie Ouchies at their root.

I still feel pretty overwhelmed from yesterday. She wrote me back that she found the date sweet as well and would like to meet again as well. I dont know, I dont FEEL the vibe right now. But it could be one of these situations where later I regret not taking the opportunity.

I couldnt storno the package anymore so the one on the left got shipped. So I thought I at least try it before shpping it back. And actually its perfect. From the front it doesnt look back and when I turn it 180 degress, my god the convenience. All my cables behind the desk. And for future operations I am open to turn it around again to fit my new space. The best product I could have bought and that were my thoughts as well. Weird I could have trusted my decision making there more maybe.

In some romantic context I often had this super strong emotional fight IS SHE THE ONE AND ONLY OR NOT !? What the hell is that...

I am so so scared from a freaking date (the potential of connection afterwards), what the hell !? Seems like I am going in the right direction.

So first off I was scared to go and interestingly memories from negative memories off my past in the romantic context came up. So dating or romantic feeling are definitely strongly linked to bad memories which is one of the reasons I dont engage in them that much. The date itself went okay, it felt a bit forced at times like we actually went out on kind of a date date, but it wasnt really casual low pressure. It was cool with her but it didnt lift up. Afterwards a friend came around and he got the full story. He got me to write her that I wrote a message that I liked out meeting and would like to meet her again. I felt the full rainbow of resistance feelings, asking her out for a second meeting felt so hardcore. I am definitely in a full fear zone, very much out of my comfort.

Oh dear diary, there is so much to talk about

Maybe I just cancel my payment and take the one I want when I am clearheaded.