Jannes

LOOSER DAY Well at least thats what it feels like. Talked to the proud girl at my social spot again. It was really nice, we played in the round chatted a bit, I missed a ball got out of the round and she says explicitly that we can talk later and so at one point we are both in the chill area talking a bit and I say we could maybe sit down. So finally we sit there together to open up maybe a bit. I talk about whatsever on my mind, in this case adhd and how I notice how the medication affects my awareness differently. And shortly afterwards she says another round got opened. I thought she would value chatting together but I guess not. In the round we talk a little but she gets out of the round at some point and goes talking with another guy outside she seems to be close with. I noticed him before and they seemed friends and not a couple but I could be wrong. Anyway, I am a bit perplexed by what happened. I felt a lot of energy and magically make all kinds of social things happen all of a sudden which was cool. But that was a hit. And later there was this guy going around. I already saw him getting a number of a girl at the weekend, today he seemed to have another girl and quickly chatted with another girl I have seen plenty of times and casually gets her number. That put a little salt on my injury. I pushed through the night though, my inner game isnt that fragile. I still had plenty of fun. Actually this just put me closer into state. Just overcoming fear and feeling survival pressures puts me into state. If I am lulled in all the time I wont develop my state. I also wonder if my adhd medication works so well. It seem to step back. Although at another time it worked great and I talked to way more people. I dont know, I guess I need to test more.

I am drowning in mostly grief with some positive emotions mixed in about the old theatre club. Medication mixes up my whole emotional system.

I feel kind of socially akward. That can be attributed to not socializing yesterday and my current experiences though, not neccessarily the medication Elvanse.

Flew right through my RV practice today. It was a bit more then 20min I believe. I changed my strategy from waiting to get super focused to just doing it because I lost focus anyway witht the first approach and the 1 to 2 hour sessions became hell. Well I didnt really get anything right today but thats usually what happens. I cant really make comparisons or study what works because nothing so far really works.

Doesnt Ken Wilber also talk about Spiral Dynamics quite a lot? Is there material of him going into detail about it?

Yeah most people who did a low carb diet had a strong positiv emotional experience with the diet because they saw immediate success on the scale... which was water weight though and not fat. For performance cutting out carbs is bad. And it will also make you look depleted.

There is little ultra processed junk which is just made out of fat so when you cut out all carbs there is little room for junk. Thats the magic, not the cutting out of carbs. You can eliminate junk but keep filling carb sources like potatoes. Super low carb is a legitimate way to do a diet, but high protein, high fiber and filling carbs is also a way to do a diet where hunger is kept relatively in check.

Can the feminine make more sense of how the masculine makes sense of reality then how the masculine makes sense of how the feminine makes sense of reality? Or are they equally confused?

I also wanted to know what medicated-Me thinks about going back to the old theatre club for a visit. Well.. not sure. The 15 years anniversary would have been a more reasonable but it makes sense why it would overwhelm me. Unmedicated-Me doesnt perceive limits, just overwhelm, Medicated-Me kind of stops my consciousness from entertaining things which dont seem enriching. The amount of energy and love required to entertain my old theatre club is insane. But thats nothing I really seem to notice without medication.

That picture of myself that I am half super solid and half barely scraping by isnt something new though.

I feel socially hurt and I did it all on my own. WTF

Half the Elvanse dose is working for sure. Concentration and productivity is heightened.

It was weird at my seminar today. So I was being late and had a clear seat at the front but underwent a little manouvering to get to a place with this girl I am cool with. Not sure if it was weird, but it felt like it came from a place of dependence/ force. I see that socially healthy people dont have a problem with sometimes not sitting next to the same person etc. The seminar still went well and stuff though. In the end she was quickly telling me all the things she needed me to tell though before splitting basically. Not really, we also joked about something else where she paused for a research and stuff but in my fragile mind it felt like she wanted to break the contact. When we were going outside she usually brabbled about something and I followed until at some point I needed to change direction and it was always a bit akward. So this time she didnt say anything and we split. Last time we went for a hug, but not this time. My eyes were telling another story though, I kind of looked for signs for her if she wanted a hug which was akward as well. I didnt get it in this moment and my intuition told me to rather not risk anything and not go for a hug. I think the whole story is that she simply felt the same way about the situations last time, that they were a bit weird and so she wanted to make everything clear so there wouldnt be any confusion. In moments like this I just dont get why I am not normal. And ask myself how its even possible that I am seemingly attractive to many girls. Well its just my perceived sense of unaccaptence or low self worth which put myself in a position where I dont feel worthy to initiate hugs etc. and also this sense of perceived low worth isnt a super turn off in many cases. I am good looking and reasonable well adapt socially so low self worth can actually open the door for some people who think they might have a shot because of it.

My RV trainer said that it can take months until any felt improvements are made in RV. Well at least it means that it doesnt have to be the case that I am unable to learn it if thats the norm.

I think I could sleep 12 hours or more without the psychological productivity momentum I get from adhd medication. Decided to take half the Elvanse dose today. It was pretty hit or miss before, very high concentration and productivity boost but also tunnel vision and the mood was either great or depressing. So with half of it its hopefully more managable. I also need to find out on which kind of medication I want to stay for the near future because my RV practice is heavily influenced by my state. .. LOL I could listen to this song over and over again without medication but right now as Elvanse seems to become active my ears hurt.

Ever got punched in the face, still accepted life, became aware that you still accept and embrace life and realized you can take lifes challenges which actually awakened a deeper, more alive love for life in you? That you could still love and be tender despite brutal challenges? That wounds make it all the more sweeter as it becomes more real? Blood and glitter That would be the theme of a fashion collection which would try to artistically express this feeling for life. ... My mind is a mysterie to me.

I just noticed that blocking Youtube completly actually worked. And whenever I enter a social scene I dont have this moment of entering actual reality, I feel like I am already in it. So thats quite some progress. Maybe I notice it because my adhd minds craves distraction again.

My intention of wanting to go back to the old theatre club made an interesting flip I dont quite understand. When I dropped the medication I had a brief phase of maybe 2 days where I wanted to get back immediately. Then I got serious about it, thought a bit about how to go about it and now I dont quite know if I really want to go back.

Gosh I nutted in my sleep tonight, hows that for sexual repression? I have so many insights about my mind and everything and its just fleeting by and I cant catch it all. I feel emotionally dependent, I cant really process all of my emotions on my own. But that may just be because I box myself through a day without a clear purpose. I still hold the idea that adhd people are generally more conscious. But they struggle more to survive, so that survival struggle balances things out as it makes them less conscious. I kind of forgot about all my support systems of my To-Do table or my body doubling Website but without medication they seem vital again. Also with women its like my focus is so widespread that I notice way more when other girls are interested. I notice every small look of interest. So its not that I was super hot shit with adhd but that I noticed it more. And also interestingly my standards rise. I noticed the decline in standards with medication before where when I kind of wanted to like someone I was able to focus more on the positive aspects, I could talk my mind into liking them more but thats just not possible anymore. And I am more interested in variety and have less structure, even though thats important to me. Saw a girl today I knew before and was immediately triggered into thinking of how I could meet her and stuff without ever seriously thinking if I actually want her. So much confusion happens because there is no clear strategic structure inside of my mind.

Hunger leads to rebound. It depends. Some people find a way to regularely do a ton of cardio like with a stationary bike at home. Then exercise can be a bigger component. Potatoes are like THE best diet food there is. For the amount of calories it has it satiates like nothing else. Source: http://www.ernaehrungsdenkwerkstatt.de/fileadmin/user_upload/EDWText/TextElemente/Ernaehrungswissenschaft/Naehrstoffe/Saettigung_Lebensmittel_Satiety_Index.pdf

Found a good message. Took a moment but I feel a bunch of intense memories of my past are coming up, from a girl 7 years ago I saw at my way back home with a few friends who seemed to look for her first sexual experience which I avoided like a sucker, how I once got tricked into thinking that a girl would be into me but it were just classmates pranking me, my dad not being able to assert himself... And generally more of a sense of being able to be part of the social world. I feel a bit emberassed that creating a simple boundary triggers so much in me, it really shows how lackluster I am in this regard but its honest progress.

I could write its okay but it isnt. Would that still be the casual thing to do or would it make me small again. I literally dont know what to do in situations like this, I am doing really deep work on myself here.

She pretty much instantly replied saying that she wouldnt want me to feel uncomfortable, it wouldnt happen again and Sorry. What do I write now, AAAAaaah

With my ex F+ I had so many talks and she never respected what I said. I havent taken into consideration how much this might have hurt my confidence to the degree that I probably should have.

I sent her a voice message and I fucking hate it. Really put everything into making it not uncomfortable. I am so so conflict avoidant but I need to overcome this, this is KEY.