Jannes

Whats weird is that I opened up so much socially the last couple of weeks and now I kind of want to retreat into my shell. Maybe its an ego backlash. Have I already mentioned that insight?

Men Sadghuru once recommended recording yourself throughout the day to truly become conscious of how much dumb shit you do throughout the day. I was always scared of that, probably because it was to potent.

New tools for my RV practice. I should record myself doing the practice. That can show me when I am more in myself vs when I am out my myself. I can also draw letters beautifully to get into focus. I can talk to the piece of paper or to the point or whatever I focus on. ... And he gave me an okay for the festival to take a break from RV.

Mama mia! Would have loved to see how she evolved from Ivysaur to Venusaur

Had a weird dream where I played some kind of ball sport with old classmates in the school context. I did very poorly and embarassed myself. Half the time I was playing without a shorts which I put on while playing because I was in such a rush. Then I just layed there to recharge and noticed that I did so poorly because I was under such constant stress. And I thought about the parallel to my current situation with the old theatre club and the social spot...

When I went to sleep yesterday I became conscious how uncomfortable I felt living this experience in my body. And so I put a lot of attention to it to accept that I cant excape my meatsuit right now and to be fully here. That actually put me in a lot of ease. That I even became so conscious to notice that and be willing and peaceful enough to embrace the present moment was very good. ... I feel a bit off in the recent days, not sure what it is.. maybe I am processing a lot idk ... I remember feeling pretty good just one or two weeks ago, that faded a bit for no appearent reason. Maybe it has to do with not having a clear direction of how to connect romantically with someone ...

https://www.actualized.org/insights/ram-dass-if-you-win-you-lose The moment I convinced everyone in my old theatre club I loose because there will be such a comfortable survival fortress that I wont be able to look past it, I will foster that fortress and that will entrap me. Not having a survival fortress sucks as well though ...

I want to get back to the gym again simply because it simply seems like the best pick up place atm if you got the balls. But something I need to figure out about myself is that it seems like I enjoy pick up or lets say the process of finding someone more enjoyable or am more comfortable with that process then actually connecting with someone. Because I kind of got options in my PMs already. I always got explanations for why she isnt the one atm but do I fool myself about this perhaps?

Feel better today but I kind of need to continue the grind if I want to stay on schedule. This is just 1 of 5 modules I want to finish this semester.

Yesterdays note: I think it just feels so weird to go outside because of doing my university work by myself for two days. That's not good. I need to get back into the daylight.

I never thought about which video game character I would dress if I had the chance. I find the idea of dressing as an unimportant character more interesting then dressing as a main character. Like how its way cooler to drive as the cow or gumba in mario kart as it is to drive as mario or joshi..

Been in this situation before and yeah it is surreal indeed.

There is still time for the festival though ..

Need better sleeping habits, its so late in the day now. And it doesnt even make sense, I woke up at about 12. How can 4 hours go by which are just filled with breakfast, showering, RV and lunch ..

With my newfound confidence and competence I find myself considering new possibilites to how I conduct my social life. Imagine I can just everywhere, be charismatic and well liked without much effort..

I had a weird dream today that there was a giant police or firefighting operation at one of my social spots going on. Well not the spot in particular but all around. And I walked right into it. Whenever I dream of something like this happens to a place of mine that feels like home my alarm bells ring.

Sounds fun! Well not to me at this point in time but generally so.. I guess there will be a lot of outfits?

Tomorrow is a badass beach festival. I really need a break from all my shitty university work, this will be cool.

Still havent that girl .. Although interestingly with stimulation I would probably forget about it. Men this is so akward, I should stop doing stuff out of impulse period .. ? .. idk maybe I also realized in this situation ... or maybe I was just emotional and impulsive and ... and so both kind of have a point ... AAAaaaaahhhhh

I have this dude on WhatsApp because I studied with him in a group 6 years ago LOL

On wednesday I was in such an intense mood, I could have really needed it to calm down.

Smoked some weed lol Well the good kind that makes you sleepy, not the trippy one that causes brain damage. I had a gram of weed in my kitchen all this time lol

It still sits in my bones. This is just a dimension where a smile fades.

I am actually scared as shit because of that encounter.