Jannes

I am so so scared from a freaking date (the potential of connection afterwards), what the hell !? Seems like I am going in the right direction.

So first off I was scared to go and interestingly memories from negative memories off my past in the romantic context came up. So dating or romantic feeling are definitely strongly linked to bad memories which is one of the reasons I dont engage in them that much. The date itself went okay, it felt a bit forced at times like we actually went out on kind of a date date, but it wasnt really casual low pressure. It was cool with her but it didnt lift up. Afterwards a friend came around and he got the full story. He got me to write her that I wrote a message that I liked out meeting and would like to meet her again. I felt the full rainbow of resistance feelings, asking her out for a second meeting felt so hardcore. I am definitely in a full fear zone, very much out of my comfort.

Oh dear diary, there is so much to talk about

Maybe I just cancel my payment and take the one I want when I am clearheaded.

Today at impro I realized how I just talk more and more with less filter. I open up more about my personal life and dont care as much how it is perceived. ... Nice!

I hate decision making

Not sure anymore, the first one looks a bit retro and grounded and the second one a bit wannabe cool and maybe that looses its charme after some time. But the second one allows more place on the desk.

I am really nervous for tomorrow. When I am honest with myself I really opened up the possibility of committing to someone when really I have very little idea if we actually match. She could be a total psychological mess from what I know.

The one on the right looks way better RIGHT!?

I just bought such a thing on amazon but I made the decision too fast, I wanted to get the decision off my chest but maybe that wasnt the way. Functionally I by far the best fit, I can turn the thing 180 degress such that the electric sockets turn away from my table. I have got a few cables which I can connect and the cables would stay completly off and away from my table that way .. wait I could also just turn the port away from the table with every other multi electric adapter ... am I like stupid . Okay that ends the debate in my head lol. I was gonna say its functionally the best BUT design wise its flawed. It looks like an ugly brick when you turn it around and I put a lot of care to make my desk look cool. ... If I dont turn it around 180 degress it looks okay but not as good as one other that way my favourite immediately. So do I sent it back and get the other one... FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

Meh cant get myself to do much. But to be honest with myself I havent done a whole lot of university work in the last months as well so my skills arent what they used to be. I need a break. I think I go to the gym lol, but its good to get moving, I was kinda craving that.

Body doubling kinda seems to work .. kinda. I get a toe into my university stuff at least. Maybe the combination of body doubling and medication is the killer hmmm...

Oh wow you can screw electric sockets on your desk I completly missed that. Makes a fine addition to my very minimalistic and orderly working space. I would also highly benefit from a bluetooth mouse and keyboard, but for the mouse you need a smooth underground anyway, what a hassle every time.

I am so hyped about the new chinese rubber I bought for experimentation. Traditional chinese rubbers are harder and have less catapult but you can get the same and more spin if you play very active. My soft european tensor felt a bit like a crutch so I am very eager to try the chinese one out. Perhaps its more hype then anything else but perhaps not.

I remember all the positive experiences I had with body doubling, I need to make it work again. Found a first solution now I jump with two discord accounts into the RV group, my iPad for the camera and my laptop for the screen. It kinda seems to work. Holy shit this little tweaks for my compensation strategies mean life and death (almost)

Even medications couldnt bring me to do a whole lot.

I cant get myself to do the university work, its so shitty. You kind of have to make it enjoyable for yourself I think, otherwise well .. you just aint gonna do it. But I dont know what I can do to make it more enjoyable for me... well maybe that should be my contemplation now.

I found heaven, its finland

I need a new setup for body doubling though. I want one where I dont look directly into the camera if I want to see other people. I look like I stare (which I do) but I feel like it would make people uncomfortable so I dont do it as often but that robs me from getting the full effect. There is only so much I can do with my old iPad 6 though

Oh thats great to hear! I am always in a group so I dont have a partner but I tried 1 on 1 before and I found it can be very effective.

My old theatre club has only 1 more event on its website. I heard from different people a few months ago that it was gonna go down and now winter is coming (its super cold there) so the timing fits right. Damn Well I dont actually know whats up I can just guess so who knows

I just realized how long I blocked the regular forum ... like a few weeks. Reading what Leo had to say was kind of a basic grounding thing to do every day. Well I made the experience before that the forum graps a lot of attention from me, so maybe I should keep locking it (except for the journal section) going forward.

Nice, did it help you?

Faking smiles. I feel like everyone kind of developed a signature fake smile in their life which tries to come across as authentic as possible by copying the form of a spontanious smiling/ laughter reaction. Most smiles are a mix.

I am fascinated by the ways people can finesse themselves out of a really bad position. I want to find the common patterns accross different activities from sport, fighting, debating, economy, dating, whatever .. so post freely if you have examples.