Jannes

Luke: Its just love, I wont be scared. Yoda: Oh yes you will be, you will be scared of love.

When you do more dumb unethical shit, you get more feedback. So counterintuitively people who do bad shit can actually know rules better then other people.

I am not really honest with myself in a self loving way though or this desillusion comes at a bad time. I sold the books with the premise in mind that I will get myself new table tennis stuff and now I am back to default cheap. Thats not a healthy way to be.

I cant decide what to do with my money. On the one hand I am 80 percent sure I want to get rid of my old table tennis bat. But selling it for a decent price is difficult, because no one wants to buy used rubbers and this exact setup. I could take them off and the 40 euro and 50 euro rubber would loose half its value. I could also get a new blade.. but I only need one bat for everything really, so then I would have the bat lying around. ... Now that I could buy all of this stuff (I would allow myself it) it feels kind of pointless. It was charged because I couldnt get it, or because I wanted to dream in a fantasy of how great things were if I could get them to regulate my current emotional state.

Cool I put like 12 books in a box for about 40 euros. Thats enough for a second table tennis wood.

In my RV practice today I started to mix my guided technique with my own technique. I used a point to focus but then got the guidance when I should view. I feel like I must have mixed those together at some point but interestingly it felt kinda new and good. Maybe because awareness is simply completly diffeent because of medication idk.

Almost as genius as only allowing myself a little sweet when I am directly in the grocery store. No sweets stored at home but I get the whole choice of ice cream, chocolate bars, gums so there is never a huge craving.

I am thinking so much about which table tennis equipment to buy atm but think about every euro.. But I just realized that especilly for the blades that can just be sold again. It just takes a little effort. And there is also stuff that I own that I could sell on ebay right now. This could be a new strategy, whenever I want something I just need to make that money with selling stuff first. That can be beneficial on two fronts, one I am much more free to buy stuff and second I get rid of old clutter. Its a win win.

Whats interesting is that (because of adhd) I am pretty transparent in my body language. So it isnt that much the case that other people are way more active in providing me with actions which are required (like when I want a hug or sth.) because I warm them up into it, its pretty easy for them. So that balances things out a bit ... I feel like I have got an insight on my tongue which I cant quite get.

The proud girl came back after a bit of a break. I have to be honest I do have some feelings for her. I think she is 19 though which is pretty young. I just had this inner realization today or that inner growing of a process that I actually want someone older in a relationship and was about to put charakter and charisma a bit over physical looks. That seems to be the voice of truth .. or is it? Anyway I would probably make an exception for her.

I wrote a message in the WhatsApp group of my tabletennis social spot in which I established a digital notice board where we can buy and sell table tennis equipment. I felt all kind of emotions before I wrote the message, like that it make me seem pretty cheap perhaps. I dont know it feels weird, putting myself in the centre like that. There are 100 people in the group.

I had one hell of an insightful dream when I took a nap this morning. I dreamt that I just woke up when I could see someone getting in my apartment through the balcony. It was the leader of my old theatre club. I could barely open my eyes or see clearly. I sat down to let my system activate. He was very calm and a bit funny about it with a big smile. I actually want his love. Wow. How he managed to sneak in (which was a question in the dream as well) and what that means I have no idea. Maybe the situation on the festival go reused. Interestingly I was also in kind of a vulnerable state at the festival, not knowing anybody and he was a bit like home there... he knew me in very vulnerable states...

I am taking the medicinet medication again. Gosh it feels so so much better then elvanse. I am not like an emotionally dull robot anymore whohoo!

If a first world country got bombed to the ground with all inventions gone and a new rebuilding phase characterized by strong physical labour and war with other surviving groups over leftover resources, I bet traditional gender roles would come right back. Gender roles are survival strategy. Masculinity and femininty are still needed, but the world got so much more comfy, men arent required to be traditionally masculine.. well at least not all of them. If less wee, that would be probably for the better .. well thats why men are praised for crying..

Had a meeting with my RV trainer today.. I was really not looking forward to it but I felt like I needed to do it. Well the new tipp is actually not that my focus is bad although it can probably be improved, its that the moment I ask the target I go into my head. Yeah lol I kinda forgot about it/ didnt put that much effort into it, I put it all into creating the best focus.

to delete stuff from my iPad to download the next update and in such of big blocks of memory storage I found an old video of mine where I recorded team fortress 2. Completly missed that block for some reason. As the addict that I am I instanly watched the whole 30 mins and it was really interesting to watch. My main mistake all the time was playing way way to agressively. Chasing frags without valuing my life. Like half the kills I could have gotten simply by positioning myself well and with good good spam. However there was sone moment that caught my attention. It was a super critical moment where I was caught between enemy players behind their lines and my decision making was top notch even though my mechanics were a little lackluster.

(from inside playdead)

My old theatre club put 2 more events on its page. It aint completly dead I feel happy about it .. huh Well thats my first emotional reaction at least

Okay she still didnt write me back. I cant help but not make any early assumptions, thats just how my brain is wired.

I think when I am honest with myself I probably realize that we didnt vibe that well. When I am honest with myself that is ..

Asked her if she likes billiard about 6 hours ago and she didnt reply yet. Nnnghh .. thats not a good sign at all. STOP I am overthinking this.

I was emotionally not really about what to do with my last date. Our first date wasnt a perfect match but somehow the onlynext date I could think of was cooking at my spot which is quite intimate and risky if it doesnt go well and I want to keep a nice connection with her afterwards. I dont think she asked me out to smash with me so a quick nut would be the wrong direction + its not actually what I really crave, I want connection as well. Just got the perfect idea, BILLIARD!! Its fun, light and not to intimate. Well if she is interested in it ofc. But in suggesting that I give a good direction.

I bet I said this just to flatter myself/ feet my spiritual ego.

My distrust in the stories of my own mind is really something lol ..

I wonder if all of this table tennis optimization really does me any good. Table tennis is not really survival for me, I do it for fun. Yet I turn it into a survival thing and take fun out of it I think. With my bad table tennis bat, table tennis was already pretty fun, I was just so limited in what I could do. Thats all. I have got all the materials to learn all the new shit I always wanted now. Planning a new bat is kind of fun but also painful in a way. I am passionate about it, "thrilled", "activated" , but also not really at peace I feel like. Idk Probably a developmental thing. Maybe I have more things to say about it later. Its weird, I may be in a lot of joy if I just put the cheap rubbers (with which I can learn all the new techniques) on my blade .. or maybe I am fooling myself with the next thing (camouflaged as a step back).