Jannes

What happened thursday night was so shocking that I couldnt write about it until now. So I saw a girl from the old theatre club again at my social spot and she absolutely hates me. I really hurt her feelings when I didnt sleep with her because that is/ was half of her personality and then I did something not super cool, she showed a blue spot at her upper breast to other people and openly talked about it and I asked to see it and didnt get that she was uncomfortable around it in time. A mistake on my end for sure. I apolagized for my wrongdoing and we had a talk at the theatre club about it and settled things. I already wrote about it in this journal in much more detail. Afterwards there were many occasions in which she tried to sleep with me again which I declined obviously. So yesterday, 2.5 years after the incident she mobilized a bunch of people to paint me as some kind of offender after I didnt leave the spot on her request. A crowd gathered to shame me basically. Someone stepped in on my side but it wasnt enough. One of the leaders there said I should leave the spot and it will be talked about at the plenum. This shocked me to my bones. After my nervous system cooled down for 1-2 hours I finally collected the words that I could have said, I could have said it was 2.5 years ago, that it was already talked about and settled, I could have decribed exactly what happened etc. At least my dad came around the next day and I talked to him about it and later with some closer friends again. This softens the blow/ helps with healing so much more then being on my own. Will see what happens I guess. I will probably have some interesting talks coming up. This could even help me as it could air out some conspiracies against me. Probably not though.

My social circle is too small. I see the same girls all the time so there is little chance I will find someone. I need to find new ways to open that circle.

Also saw the proud girl yesterday again. I like her but its clear that she is in a relationship or f+ with this guy, as she let him be very openly sexual with her. .. Talked to the "goth-girl" as well. I found her interesting before because she showed great character but I dont really know where things could go. My main concern is that she has depression and chronic pain. I mean there probably isnt much fault for it on her part but I have to ask myself if I honestly want to be the one helping her with it. If I dont honestly want to do it and get close to her lying to myself that I would want to then I imagine I would do more damage then if I would just be honest about it.

Men I went to karaoke yesterday and randomly found two dudes who were connected to the old theatre club. They were super friendly to me. They were before as well, but I thought that might have changed after I had these chats. I never got much pushback from the guys there, basically only from the girls.

Rape is a really strong word, too strong in this context.

I am afraid of snakes, but that gives me so much chills. Snake love, how wholesome. There needs to be a new term for when you become aware/ integrate another facet of reality/ love.

What is really interesting is that my sexuality is deeply connected with how I feel about the world. Right now I got really comforted which changes my sexuality where I am comfortable with being more dominant.

Wow I actually went through with it. Talked about my problems. Told her that I struggle with flirting because of adhd. Said that I found too many girls who would cheat and that I have a problem connecting with them because of it. And it all went well .. It honestly boggles my mind ..

Will have a talk with my adhd doctor today. Last time she offered me she could give me psychological counsoling if I wanted .. I was happy I would only need to make the decision in 2 moths. Well here we are now. Fuck me idk. I cant sell someone that I am struggling because I am too attractive and girls would cheat for me and that is why I cant take a girl because I want to keep my values "STOP CRYING I NEED TO TALK TO PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS, THERE ARE LONELY PEOPLE IN THIS WHO WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE A WOMENS GENTLE TOUCH AND YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT TOO MANY OPTIONS, JUST TAKE ONE AND BE HAPPY." and you know maybe she would have a point

Only in America

I had an insane start up idea today. I feel weird when I take medication because I act differently and people often dont know wether I am on medication or not. So I hate it when I do something on medication and people attribute that to my usual non medicated self and vice versa. Also it takes some time to explain to people how medication works. I thought about a hanger on a chain in the form of a pill which is digital. It would connect to an app and would light up. It could light up half full when the effect of the medication is halfway gone. I dont think anyone thought about this before, but I love the aesthetic of pills for some reason, I value authenticity and transparency and so it would make sense that this is not yet patented.

If it is true that my normal state of consciousness is higher then that of usual people and only because I am not good at doing survival my consciousness is chronically nerfed, that would mean if I found a way to be good at survival without social pressure I would naturally connect to high states of consciousness. Well that's kinda what my daydreams are sometimes, for example being a lonely dude in a ship in space. .. I managed to stomach today that my mom kind of makes excuses for my dad. My dad says he would work after retirement and this and that and I already knew nothing would come from this but my mom seemed like she believed him. Well my mom also points out a lot of flaws as well to be fair.

Took Elvanse and experienced a huge productivity boost. Then I experienced a lot of heavy emotions which I usually cant take on which are sitting in my stomach and throat. Also a decent amount of anxiety. I dont think those emotions are neccessarily bad, some may have been stored up in me and its healthy that they came out. Or not. Idk

I always wondered how droids and non-droids could coexist in star wars. Droids could speak in every language and hold an amount of perspectives and strategies that no non-droid could. So it always seemed like non-droids got owned for the plot, but in reality if a droid ever got so intelligent it seemed like it would be a dominant force. But here we are with with AI in the real world. AI sounds super sophisticated and can use a huge amount of data, but still it can do very little on its own. Just like in Star Wars. I find it interesting that this dynamic was already captured before AI happened in our world.

Back to some serious self development, there is this dude which I am SO FUCKING AKWARD around. It was an experiment maybe a year ago, people I was comfortable around bored me, people who stimulated me I wasn't comfortable around. He seemed stimulating so I opened up to him with the intention that I could get comfortable along the way and then have a stimulating friend. Well I didn't get comfortable and some kind of childhood trauma kicks in and the situations that I create are so fucking uncomfortable. Aaaah I thought I could explain that to him. Tell him I am awkward, not him. Tell him that if he wanted to, he could help me with taking this lightly/ jokingly.

I confronted him about it today. He kind of sold it like he was the victim of ghossip and I wanted to clear that up. He explained how he did see himself as the perpetrator which I wanted to hear and explained many stories. Without the talk I couldnt be in peace with him.

He showcased his apartment to show he didn't store any food. Ofc it could have been a trick. But also it's possible to survive a 40 day fast especially as a young healthy dude. If it was am actual fast it means he was crazy enough to risk his own life with a pointless fast, if not it means he is a liar.

I dont know the exact setup, but he filmed himself over the 40 days 24/7 as proof. I havent watched the stream but if it was made setup transparent with cameras everywhere it would be pretty hard to fake. If not he would have probably cheated. I dont know. He made a video where he said he broke the fast with watermelon. Yeah Connor lost it but I have a bit of a weakness for crazy people. I can't explain that easily.

Whut!? But he filmed himself and lost a ton of weight. Maybe if there were some off camera moments he ate something, I am not that deep into it.

The artist girl was there yesterday. It was a bit of a shock to my whole system. She is hella skilled socially, it doesnt even make sense. So I emotionally opened up but I dont really know how far I want to go. Really I created a boundary already, she has mental problems, a bf and overwhelms me, its not good.

I loved these things as a kid. Wow, how can I only remember them now. How was I emotionally detatched from them ..

I had a dream of doing it with a dude yesterday night. When I am lifted of a lot of social pressure my bi side comes out more. Weirdly in day consciousness I am basically never attracted to dudes. In my dreams I sometimes love to get nailed though.

WAIT, if it's not the case that he got shit despite being innocent then that wouldn't explain my case. Such a short time with so much pressure lifted off my shoulders.

At my social spot today I saw the proud girl again, she was there right from the start. I had a chance to ask a friend of her if she is in a monogamous relationship with that dude but I was too scared to ask. Damnit I blew a chance. I generally noticed that the spot is just so routinlike that it's boring and I am becoming boring. Either I am super funny or super boring and all of that has to do with how engaged I am. The key to socializing really is to find ways to stimulate myself. Which is why “how can I have fun this night" was always so helpful to me in the past for socializing. And also I often put so little effort into having fun. I started to put more effort into it today and it paid out, I was more engaged then usual.

He just told me he did sexual harassment. Oh my fucking God what is going on. I am not aware of any crimes that I did. This becomes very apparent when the freedom to confess them opens up and nothing follows. Aaaaaah I don't know what to think of my friend now.