Jannes

I think I could sleep 12 hours or more without the psychological productivity momentum I get from adhd medication. Decided to take half the Elvanse dose today. It was pretty hit or miss before, very high concentration and productivity boost but also tunnel vision and the mood was either great or depressing. So with half of it its hopefully more managable. I also need to find out on which kind of medication I want to stay for the near future because my RV practice is heavily influenced by my state. .. LOL I could listen to this song over and over again without medication but right now as Elvanse seems to become active my ears hurt.

Ever got punched in the face, still accepted life, became aware that you still accept and embrace life and realized you can take lifes challenges which actually awakened a deeper, more alive love for life in you? That you could still love and be tender despite brutal challenges? That wounds make it all the more sweeter as it becomes more real? Blood and glitter That would be the theme of a fashion collection which would try to artistically express this feeling for life. ... My mind is a mysterie to me.

I just noticed that blocking Youtube completly actually worked. And whenever I enter a social scene I dont have this moment of entering actual reality, I feel like I am already in it. So thats quite some progress. Maybe I notice it because my adhd minds craves distraction again.

My intention of wanting to go back to the old theatre club made an interesting flip I dont quite understand. When I dropped the medication I had a brief phase of maybe 2 days where I wanted to get back immediately. Then I got serious about it, thought a bit about how to go about it and now I dont quite know if I really want to go back.

Gosh I nutted in my sleep tonight, hows that for sexual repression? I have so many insights about my mind and everything and its just fleeting by and I cant catch it all. I feel emotionally dependent, I cant really process all of my emotions on my own. But that may just be because I box myself through a day without a clear purpose. I still hold the idea that adhd people are generally more conscious. But they struggle more to survive, so that survival struggle balances things out as it makes them less conscious. I kind of forgot about all my support systems of my To-Do table or my body doubling Website but without medication they seem vital again. Also with women its like my focus is so widespread that I notice way more when other girls are interested. I notice every small look of interest. So its not that I was super hot shit with adhd but that I noticed it more. And also interestingly my standards rise. I noticed the decline in standards with medication before where when I kind of wanted to like someone I was able to focus more on the positive aspects, I could talk my mind into liking them more but thats just not possible anymore. And I am more interested in variety and have less structure, even though thats important to me. Saw a girl today I knew before and was immediately triggered into thinking of how I could meet her and stuff without ever seriously thinking if I actually want her. So much confusion happens because there is no clear strategic structure inside of my mind.

Hunger leads to rebound. It depends. Some people find a way to regularely do a ton of cardio like with a stationary bike at home. Then exercise can be a bigger component. Potatoes are like THE best diet food there is. For the amount of calories it has it satiates like nothing else. Source: http://www.ernaehrungsdenkwerkstatt.de/fileadmin/user_upload/EDWText/TextElemente/Ernaehrungswissenschaft/Naehrstoffe/Saettigung_Lebensmittel_Satiety_Index.pdf

Found a good message. Took a moment but I feel a bunch of intense memories of my past are coming up, from a girl 7 years ago I saw at my way back home with a few friends who seemed to look for her first sexual experience which I avoided like a sucker, how I once got tricked into thinking that a girl would be into me but it were just classmates pranking me, my dad not being able to assert himself... And generally more of a sense of being able to be part of the social world. I feel a bit emberassed that creating a simple boundary triggers so much in me, it really shows how lackluster I am in this regard but its honest progress.

I could write its okay but it isnt. Would that still be the casual thing to do or would it make me small again. I literally dont know what to do in situations like this, I am doing really deep work on myself here.

She pretty much instantly replied saying that she wouldnt want me to feel uncomfortable, it wouldnt happen again and Sorry. What do I write now, AAAAaaah

With my ex F+ I had so many talks and she never respected what I said. I havent taken into consideration how much this might have hurt my confidence to the degree that I probably should have.

I sent her a voice message and I fucking hate it. Really put everything into making it not uncomfortable. I am so so conflict avoidant but I need to overcome this, this is KEY.

Living through the day without medication is so interesting. At impro I really didnt feel like I was in my power but it went okay. Same with chatting today, I just couldnt initiate anything pretty much. Later I went to a play evening. At one moment one of the girls I am friends with put her head on my shoulder which felt like a complete violation of my boundaries. And with that the whole evening which was pretty cool turned grim. What the hell am I tolerating, Fuck her. It wasnt the first time. No wonder I feel so akward when I tolerate shit like this all the time. Well pretty much all my contacts involve some kind of overstepping of boundaries. In contrast the chatter with my impro friends seemed like the opposite in comparison which is maybe why I conceived it as an overstepping of boundaries in the first place. I dont want to make it akward with a long message or anything, but I have to do something now or else I am taking this feeling to bed and wont do anything in the future.

RV without medication is like hell. What the hell is my mind doing, its literally a circus in there as soon as I start to just focus and stop thoughts. I literally thought about stopping because it just didnt seem possible but then I decided to try a different approach of not waiting too long until my mind goes nuts which actually stopped it from going circus mode. Got some hits today but it could easily be luck. Also I notice that I am paying the price afterwards of indulging in high stimulating music like this:

Both of my seminars have been cancelled today and I was just wondering what to do today instead when this drops.

Actually got through my RV session just because its a bit routinelike. The results were bad. Notes: Yo, I am farming deep unique positive emotions, those you would live and die for. Well I strave them as my awareness goes by. I get them in daydreams as well but usually one, I just got 3 unique ones. My adhd emotional body stretches out. I thought, in the moment I would say target, the essence would reveal itself, but maybe no, maybe just a moment afterwards. My consciousness is closing when calling for the essence, not opening. How do i notice this only without medication? // well this que didnt help with the results either. SHIT

Coming off medication is insane, its feel pretty trippy and peaceful though. I dont think I can get much done but I would be a great bf in this state. Even managing the traffic was difficult, I strictly followed the rules to not be.. even finishing a sentence is difficult. Thought about my old theatre club as well, I opened more up to the idea of going there again which is to be expected as the medications helped me with building boundaries, so without these boundaries arent as strong anymore. However I dont really have an emotional path into it, the people I am most used to I hate the most basically.

@Zest4Life I think you raise a good nuanced point about what rising over evil entails, which is not falling into traps. .. Everyone thinks of themselves as good as not evil. The mind can be used to question oneself but moreso to justify oneself. Its more about the attitude and what you value which determines if the sophisticated defense of ones behaviour is leading somewhere devilish or not. .. I would add yet another layer of geopolitcs into the mix as you can get insights there as well. The more egoish a country is, the more backlash it will get and the more it needs to defend itself. The US is an example of a country which would need less military if it would act more morally. But also countries without much self defensives capabilites will be eaten alive. Its about being as devilish as you need to be and as little devilish as you can be.

I dont take my medication today, today is a day to refresh. I already loose a lot of focus. And likely the ability to assert myself. But also my ability to love out there things increases.

I was dreaming pretty intensiley about my old theatre club again. I dont have long term relationship breakups as a reference but you could maybe make a comparison. Or I will still grief about it in 10 years or so.

I was about to skip my RV session today. I already pre worked one session and was so tired after that day, it would have been fine. But I feel like how this routine is already ingrained in me and didnt want to weaken it so I did it anyway. Well the results were shit. I need advice.

I thought about the picture of a very thin women pouring over with love for something. Love is much more beautiful in the right contrast. I dont think I had exactly this in my mind, but it let to it, the picture of a really thin person sharing their food is beautiful. I could list a bunch of pictures of a person sharing their food, from fattest to most thin like different notes on a piano but the notes express the beauty of selflessness. Of course a person sharing food is just on possibility.

Had a walk to the supermarket to buy some sweetener. I am really not lazy, its just my adhd chemistry. The walk got me thinking a bit. Everything worthwhile needs spirit. There is no real winning when you beat somebody. I am happy I didnt just leave the old theatre club outright but showed a gesture of interest. Just hating them would have left me so empty.

I want to create a piece of art which captures the paradox of how ridiciously twisted human love is but also that it is so so true from a certain POV.