Jannes

The chatting with her goes so smoothly, its kind of unfair how well it goes. It would be so easy to go back to fuckboy mode if it turned out not nice with her, but its the most peaceful chat I had in a long time..

Impulsively I asked a female friend of mine yesterday if she is going on any festival and she said she hadnt planned for it and why I am asking. I think I need an honest emotional answer to this now, do I want to connect to her or not .. ? Ofc I wouldnt give a direct answer, but would make my position clear with indirectly. She is hot, but I dont really have feelings for her .. yet.

What I find suspicious is that some trans people have trouble acting. Or at least in impro one time there was someone who identified neither as male or female (was biologically male). That person got assigned a role as a manly priest but then right before they would start the acting scene they suddenly left, never to be seen again. You can interpret many things into it, but interpreting it as that they didnt want to play a role considered masculine seems natural. I dont have a problem playing a female character, most women dont have a problem playing a masculine character. If a trans person truly is what they feel like they are then playing the other gender shouldnt be problematic, as compared to what they truly are THIS is just acting ... But I get that it can be triggering when you have to justify to other people your gender identity all the time and then arent even consistant yourself ..

Yeah for me thats super true. I think everyone can benefit a lot from blocking social media/ youtube. But for me the difference is very extreme because my nervous system is so sensitive.

The one girl I wanted to ask for a number today brought her bf/ fuckboy whatever with her again. I thought it was over with them or something. And I was really confident I wanted to ask her for her number today, I really pictured her as a viable girlfriend. Well if she was still with him it wouldnt have changed much, but I could have asked her for her number way earlier. IF I WAS MORE OF A CHAD THIS WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED. It interesting, without youtube to escape, I take all the blame on myself.

It was nuts today at my social spot and I had so much more confidence then usual, even gaming wasnt really that nerve wrecking. I feel a bit dirty though, I flirted with so many girls today.

I am kind of connecting my new self which is comfortable with less stimulation with a natural non medicated self. And this strategy of mine does indeed help with a lot of things but it doesnt have to be the solution for everything.

Couldnt get anything done right now, I just felt sleepy and a bit sorrow

I think I will take some medicinet tomorrow. I need a boost to work on my university stuff

I am not lazy, I make a conscious decision to dowhshift: https://karrierebibel.de/downshifting/

I watched a gay cartoon porn a couple days ago and I am still kind of off-put by it. There is a component I like about it, at least in the cartoon version, but I am also put off by it. Weird.

When I said goodbye to someone today I kind of gave them a longing smile .. hard to put into words but definitely showing some deep romantic-ish interest. And the thing was, it was a dude. ... I have no idea what just happened there. I kind of looked at him a couple of times, I noticed his good style before I knew he was gay/ bi with a bias on guys, he is super chill to talk to and he looks attractive. Soo yeah he is kind of in this exception realm but I cant tell what that reaction of mine was.. it seemed genuine on my end but I cant connect the dots really. Am I surpressing something so deeply that I cant even make it conscious when I focus my attention on it?

Men, one of the very few good things humans did was create open source projects. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DYAT1RbgRLZ/ We need an open source amazon, or an open source marketplace at least.

A lot of that gloryess vibes from yesterday are gone. I have only slept for 6 hours, thats probably part of the reason why.

My inner thighs hurt like crap. They are so sore from last training session. Maybe thats one way to increase the size of my legs.

I just texted a girl from university which I like. Well, at the point where I had the least sexual interest she seemed like the best choice. Not because she isnt sexually interesting but when you take sexuality out of the equation she seems healthy. But really this confronts me with what I really want. I am telling myself that I am not interested in casual sex and emotionally I actually do feel drawn towards her but there is just this inner will to bang a lot of girls still.. I think I have never observed this inner conflict so closely.

I think its because much of social interaction is a bit forced, in this moment there was a real vibe going on so you didnt need to force anything.

Chilled with my friend after impro. It was so super nice, we had a great chatter. Well actually I talked about stuff on my mind as well. But it was just so smoth and effortless, like I couldnt imagine how that could ever happen before but it did. I think its all thanks to blocking youtube. It went so well I didnt even know when to end it, like I wasnt used to talking and talking effortlessly and thought we need to stop at some point but really it wasnt nessaccary. I needed to pee at some point pretty badly so I stopped then. Interestingly I didnt really feel like hugging for a goodbye and he also BECAUSE it went so well I think. Which was really strange.

1) I am truly not at a point in my life where I know myself or my values good enough to really know what my LP is ( If I havent taken the course I would have thought that I just didnt think about it long enough ) 2) But somehow there is still a clear calling which needs to be discovered 3) Its in the direction of conveying spirituality and it will include my strenghts like thinking outside the box, empathy, creativity and so on.

God be like ..

I was public viewing for the wm-final. Men I feel like shit. I have got a headache. This usually happens when I am resensatized to digital stuff. And the game was also shit. Time to go to sleep ..

I had a weird bad dream tonight. I was alone at my parents house when suddenly someone strangely stalked the window, I took some cover to not be seen but I also wanted to see who is there. I went to the door I believe. Then I saw how one or two smashed a window. I ran upstairs, they seemed like troublemakers or robbers. I ran to my room and wanted to call the polive but a cartoonishly buff fat guy followed me "blurring something like you wanna call someone" implying that he knew I wanted to call the police and wanted to stop me. I looked at that tank thought for a second about a strategy and realized I didnt have many options. Just as a woke up I realized I must kick in his nuts if I want to have any chance. I didnt wake up shocked and in sweat or anything like that but it did wake me up. I stayed awake a bit longer thinking about my strategies. I should have went to another room where I could have went on the balcony and could have jumped off onto a table in the garden and from there jumped to my neighbors garden to another neighbors garden into the streets. (This was a path I mapped out once in case a fire broke out.) And I could have yelled that I am being robbed, call the police!!! I think the source of this dream is pretty straight forward, I am confronting ghosts of my past and they have a lot of motivation to haunt me.

I would love to throw a rock at a window of that dumb building but commiting a crime doesnt help me personally and wont help me get rid of my anger.

I am just in so much anger, its kinda painful like a constant light burn. I know I know its because of my old theatre club but what can I do ..

I wrote him about my problems with him back then and he didnt text me back within the last 24 hours. I am growing pretty angry because its important to me and I feel ignored. I mean its about shit like 3 years ago but still. Maybe he answers back later, maybe not at all. I am actually kind of scared of confronting him, he has influence on other people of the old theatre club. Well I never went the pragmatic route..