Jannes

There is luxury everywhere.

Hmm an off-white top which matches the washed out tone of the jeans. I like the idea. I always come back to white but then think to much of a thight up elitest or something. With the jeans it could work though.

Oh I wanted to add: I asked gpt to make a random sentence more complex but only with one parameter at a time. So that could be more nuanced words, more layers etc. Its really interesting to see my mind working and struggling, a simple sentence is like a walk in the park, a complex sentence is like climbing a mountain. What an important direct insight for politics: A very nuanced political view takes A LOT of effort to built. Understandable that not everyone has the capacity to climb that mountain ..

I got that idea today and interestingly today took a medication break. I think I see a bit of a pattern here because I think I remember something like this happening before. When I take a medication break the increase in productivity doesnt suddenly stop with it, it seems to be kind of accustomed to a more energy ressources. When I am off medication my adhd brain can come to new out of the box idea which my then productivity accustomed mind takes on. I think thats a plausible thesis.

The current RV experiment: ... Men I really have to invent my own technique here. That is part of the process, like this is not something that gets thought in a normalized/ structured form.

I have got no energy in the end of the day. Didnt even write one page today even though today was a committed work day with medication and everything. Maybe I need a break or something. I feel really stupid for needing that much time to understand the book. Its super dense, full of technical terms and much of the meaning is between the lines.

Luke: Its just love, I wont be scared. Yoda: Oh yes you will be, you will be scared of love.

When you do more dumb unethical shit, you get more feedback. So counterintuitively people who do bad shit can actually know rules better then other people.

I am not really honest with myself in a self loving way though or this desillusion comes at a bad time. I sold the books with the premise in mind that I will get myself new table tennis stuff and now I am back to default cheap. Thats not a healthy way to be.

I cant decide what to do with my money. On the one hand I am 80 percent sure I want to get rid of my old table tennis bat. But selling it for a decent price is difficult, because no one wants to buy used rubbers and this exact setup. I could take them off and the 40 euro and 50 euro rubber would loose half its value. I could also get a new blade.. but I only need one bat for everything really, so then I would have the bat lying around. ... Now that I could buy all of this stuff (I would allow myself it) it feels kind of pointless. It was charged because I couldnt get it, or because I wanted to dream in a fantasy of how great things were if I could get them to regulate my current emotional state.

Cool I put like 12 books in a box for about 40 euros. Thats enough for a second table tennis wood.

In my RV practice today I started to mix my guided technique with my own technique. I used a point to focus but then got the guidance when I should view. I feel like I must have mixed those together at some point but interestingly it felt kinda new and good. Maybe because awareness is simply completly diffeent because of medication idk.

Almost as genius as only allowing myself a little sweet when I am directly in the grocery store. No sweets stored at home but I get the whole choice of ice cream, chocolate bars, gums so there is never a huge craving.

I am thinking so much about which table tennis equipment to buy atm but think about every euro.. But I just realized that especilly for the blades that can just be sold again. It just takes a little effort. And there is also stuff that I own that I could sell on ebay right now. This could be a new strategy, whenever I want something I just need to make that money with selling stuff first. That can be beneficial on two fronts, one I am much more free to buy stuff and second I get rid of old clutter. Its a win win.

Whats interesting is that (because of adhd) I am pretty transparent in my body language. So it isnt that much the case that other people are way more active in providing me with actions which are required (like when I want a hug or sth.) because I warm them up into it, its pretty easy for them. So that balances things out a bit ... I feel like I have got an insight on my tongue which I cant quite get.

The proud girl came back after a bit of a break. I have to be honest I do have some feelings for her. I think she is 19 though which is pretty young. I just had this inner realization today or that inner growing of a process that I actually want someone older in a relationship and was about to put charakter and charisma a bit over physical looks. That seems to be the voice of truth .. or is it? Anyway I would probably make an exception for her.

I wrote a message in the WhatsApp group of my tabletennis social spot in which I established a digital notice board where we can buy and sell table tennis equipment. I felt all kind of emotions before I wrote the message, like that it make me seem pretty cheap perhaps. I dont know it feels weird, putting myself in the centre like that. There are 100 people in the group.

I had one hell of an insightful dream when I took a nap this morning. I dreamt that I just woke up when I could see someone getting in my apartment through the balcony. It was the leader of my old theatre club. I could barely open my eyes or see clearly. I sat down to let my system activate. He was very calm and a bit funny about it with a big smile. I actually want his love. Wow. How he managed to sneak in (which was a question in the dream as well) and what that means I have no idea. Maybe the situation on the festival go reused. Interestingly I was also in kind of a vulnerable state at the festival, not knowing anybody and he was a bit like home there... he knew me in very vulnerable states...

I am taking the medicinet medication again. Gosh it feels so so much better then elvanse. I am not like an emotionally dull robot anymore whohoo!

If a first world country got bombed to the ground with all inventions gone and a new rebuilding phase characterized by strong physical labour and war with other surviving groups over leftover resources, I bet traditional gender roles would come right back. Gender roles are survival strategy. Masculinity and femininty are still needed, but the world got so much more comfy, men arent required to be traditionally masculine.. well at least not all of them. If less wee, that would be probably for the better .. well thats why men are praised for crying..

Had a meeting with my RV trainer today.. I was really not looking forward to it but I felt like I needed to do it. Well the new tipp is actually not that my focus is bad although it can probably be improved, its that the moment I ask the target I go into my head. Yeah lol I kinda forgot about it/ didnt put that much effort into it, I put it all into creating the best focus.

to delete stuff from my iPad to download the next update and in such of big blocks of memory storage I found an old video of mine where I recorded team fortress 2. Completly missed that block for some reason. As the addict that I am I instanly watched the whole 30 mins and it was really interesting to watch. My main mistake all the time was playing way way to agressively. Chasing frags without valuing my life. Like half the kills I could have gotten simply by positioning myself well and with good good spam. However there was sone moment that caught my attention. It was a super critical moment where I was caught between enemy players behind their lines and my decision making was top notch even though my mechanics were a little lackluster.

(from inside playdead)

My old theatre club put 2 more events on its page. It aint completly dead I feel happy about it .. huh Well thats my first emotional reaction at least

Okay she still didnt write me back. I cant help but not make any early assumptions, thats just how my brain is wired.