Jannes

What is interesting, the last couple of days I was pretty happy on my own. Yesterday night as well. I only became unhappy when I felt the need to share those jokes on WhatsApp. They could have been my own source of happiness but I shared them and didnt get anything back. Well I also shared them with the girl I was/ am dating atm to keep us warm.

I feel like I am in a suttle stream of shame the last couple of days. The WhatsApp message to the whole group is one part of it. It triggers a ton of shame for some reason. And posting that to like 6 Whats App friends I know also triggers a bunch of shame. I think what I have to do is distinguish between triggers from my past and whats actually going on.

The game actually wasnt that entertaining even though its recommended as one of the best matches to watch.

Downloaded the video and watched the whole thing even though today is dedicated university work. Feel like I stufed myself with the reward before doing the work.. well I dont really do rewards, I feel like they dont really work with on me.

A mostly defensive backhand is interesting but no, I want to regularely do backhand topspins I feel like.

Found about a minute of table tennis content to watch, sneaking through all my blocks. Yeah I remember why is was a good idea to block everything, but also its so valuable to sometimes see some kind of video. I learn so much from watching some video content. https://www.butenunbinnen.de/sport/tischtennis-bundesliga-werder-fan-zhendong-104.html

Oh god I need to watch this at some point. This needs to be a one time exception.

There is luxury everywhere.

Hmm an off-white top which matches the washed out tone of the jeans. I like the idea. I always come back to white but then think to much of a thight up elitest or something. With the jeans it could work though.

Oh I wanted to add: I asked gpt to make a random sentence more complex but only with one parameter at a time. So that could be more nuanced words, more layers etc. Its really interesting to see my mind working and struggling, a simple sentence is like a walk in the park, a complex sentence is like climbing a mountain. What an important direct insight for politics: A very nuanced political view takes A LOT of effort to built. Understandable that not everyone has the capacity to climb that mountain ..

I got that idea today and interestingly today took a medication break. I think I see a bit of a pattern here because I think I remember something like this happening before. When I take a medication break the increase in productivity doesnt suddenly stop with it, it seems to be kind of accustomed to a more energy ressources. When I am off medication my adhd brain can come to new out of the box idea which my then productivity accustomed mind takes on. I think thats a plausible thesis.

The current RV experiment: ... Men I really have to invent my own technique here. That is part of the process, like this is not something that gets thought in a normalized/ structured form.

I have got no energy in the end of the day. Didnt even write one page today even though today was a committed work day with medication and everything. Maybe I need a break or something. I feel really stupid for needing that much time to understand the book. Its super dense, full of technical terms and much of the meaning is between the lines.

Luke: Its just love, I wont be scared. Yoda: Oh yes you will be, you will be scared of love.

When you do more dumb unethical shit, you get more feedback. So counterintuitively people who do bad shit can actually know rules better then other people.

I am not really honest with myself in a self loving way though or this desillusion comes at a bad time. I sold the books with the premise in mind that I will get myself new table tennis stuff and now I am back to default cheap. Thats not a healthy way to be.

I cant decide what to do with my money. On the one hand I am 80 percent sure I want to get rid of my old table tennis bat. But selling it for a decent price is difficult, because no one wants to buy used rubbers and this exact setup. I could take them off and the 40 euro and 50 euro rubber would loose half its value. I could also get a new blade.. but I only need one bat for everything really, so then I would have the bat lying around. ... Now that I could buy all of this stuff (I would allow myself it) it feels kind of pointless. It was charged because I couldnt get it, or because I wanted to dream in a fantasy of how great things were if I could get them to regulate my current emotional state.

Cool I put like 12 books in a box for about 40 euros. Thats enough for a second table tennis wood.

In my RV practice today I started to mix my guided technique with my own technique. I used a point to focus but then got the guidance when I should view. I feel like I must have mixed those together at some point but interestingly it felt kinda new and good. Maybe because awareness is simply completly diffeent because of medication idk.

Almost as genius as only allowing myself a little sweet when I am directly in the grocery store. No sweets stored at home but I get the whole choice of ice cream, chocolate bars, gums so there is never a huge craving.

I am thinking so much about which table tennis equipment to buy atm but think about every euro.. But I just realized that especilly for the blades that can just be sold again. It just takes a little effort. And there is also stuff that I own that I could sell on ebay right now. This could be a new strategy, whenever I want something I just need to make that money with selling stuff first. That can be beneficial on two fronts, one I am much more free to buy stuff and second I get rid of old clutter. Its a win win.