Jannes

I am taking that I got ghosted today pretty lightly. Maybe that wrong. Well I dont know ..

I am blasting my friends with messages. Holy shit, the youtube embedding block really has an affect. .. I just read through a message I got from someone I know about 2 years ago. He basically says he wants to hang out with me and I twist it in a way to make it seem like he needed my help for some kind of work. It doesnt even make sense but I think my mind simply couldnt fathom that I am likeable. Its actually not the first time this happened, it happened plenty of times. Lol I remember when a girl in a very sexual club which I was interested in literally stroke my balls and I just couldnt really make sense of it in that moment. So many moments literally.

One thing that made remote viewing uncomfortable wasnt remote viewing at all, it was just the fact that I needed to be conscious in a low stimulation environement. I am much more comfortable doing remote viewing now. Holy shit how could I live like this all this time ..

Ah okay now it doesnt feel as healthy anymore, was wondering if that was valid. ... It was kind of psychological terror in a way, she kind of ghosted me and then when we worked together loudly called everybody on her phone. And then in her body language she was somestimes super sexual when expressing herself.

A nap with chilling music did it for me. In so many cases I am simply tired and need rest and some distraction from that reality.

I cant think straight. Its a weird mix of tiredness and something else. I would love to indulge in easy dopamin activities really hard now.

I worked with a co-student of mine just now and its exhausting, she is constantly chatting on her phone and I havent slept well. Couldnt think at all. Need a break.

A new insight just hit me. I am a nobody -- in the least self depriving way possible. Or even if I were someone I wouldnt be.

I am fascinated by the ways people can finesse themselves out of a really bad position. I want to find the common patterns accross different activities from sport, fighting, debating, economy, dating, whatever .. so post freely if you have examples.

I am full of rage right now, what the hell. I wonder if numbing myself with easy dopamine surpressed that all this time.

Men I feel toasted. I was out about 5-6 hours yesterday socially yapping my ass off. It was nice but also kind of exhausting.

It could be partially placebo but I really feel like I was acting much more confident then usual. Its really about the reduced free dopamine source. .. I also got more done.

When I loose video games and youtube, its not so easy to answer what I am going to do if I dont have anything to do. So a made a mind map. (watt nu? translates to what now? )

Germany just got kicked out of the WM. I actually feel kinda sad about it which surprises me.

Oh no, I just realized that a good chunk of how I imagine a good life is through the lense of apple products. On a trip I also imagined a good social life through the lense of an IKEA catalogue, so nothing unique about apple.

What is interesting is that the good life that I imagine never has anything to do with mindless consumption, I always imagine myself in a creative process. But then practically that feels too hard. Well ... what does that mean? Is the version I have of myself correct and I simply need to catch up to that practically? Does it mean I need to account for real life?

Completly blocking embedded videos makes a huge difference holy shit. Its really weird atm, I am so used to mindlessly consuming stuff that I have little strategies on what to actually do when everything is blocked. I also noticed that I seem more quick in my thinking and more confident. When free dopamine isnt available you are more willing to get it elsewhere. Like when your brain thinks you are doing survival when playing video games easy peasy then why would it pour resources into socializing which is risky. I noticed this before as well when I quit video games and its interesting that it also works when I block youtube.

Gold

wtf !?!? I am doing this for almost a year now with appearently close to no results.

Went out and socialized a bit. Gosh I feel so much better now, I really need more socializing/ I need to recognize more if there is a lack thereoff.

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Jaaaayyy I did something productive !!