Jannes

I have a lot of dreams about my old theatre club recently. Last time I dreamed about reconnecting with a girl there, today I dreamed about being on an adventure with the old theatre club. I even saw my old friend I parted way with in a painful way there and kind of hid from her because it would be painful. I saw a picture of him well dressed, with good hair and everything. At the end the leader of the club jokingly said, till tomorrow then (tomorrow would be saturday, the usual meeting of the whole club) and I got the joke and was like nah, both of us acknowledging, accepting and even making fun of that boundary. Even saw this old friend as part of my old theatre club all of a sudden. I guess they are kind of the same category. Just leaving instead of confronting is a survival strategy of mine. But perhaps not the best. I want to re-harmonize with these folks.

He seems skilled. I am socially easing up just watching him go. For the initiated, how well does he in comparison?

I am noticing how my RV practice affects my awareness outside as well. I am hard focusing on certain objects for some time, the same thing I do in RV, where I focus on one point very hard.

I kind of feel like I am on a bad trip. (without any substances aside from medication) When I started my walk I even felt a little hunted. Not even sure why. I WILL experience daylight tomorrow.

Oh forgot to mention, my RV - session lasted literally 2 hours!

Chatgpt is fucked up. The kind of things it interpets into this. My RV session: I feel like I am getting grilled by my emotions. 20mg medicinet is also stirring up emotions, not just regulating them. Well maybe its because the medications effect is going down now. Still thinking about my old theatre club. Its such a tragedy, cant process it over a few months. .. I am having insane daydreaming again, literally sucked out of reality for 10 minutes as if I were dreaming. .. Yeah the bigger pattern is that I struggle to stay conscious. It was a hit with Wordle. I need other games maybe. (also not as stimulating) .. FUCK I MISSED THE THERAPHY GROUP OPPORTUNITY .. I need to analyse the table tennis dynamic, as this tells me so much about my nervous system. I think I rarely come in contact with my potential, because my nervous system dials down everything a ton and just a little distraction can spell such disaster. .. When you think about people, the vibe they give off, how they feel in your mind and you compare that to how the current moment feels like, you realize its the same thing. The present moment is made out of the same thing that person in your mind is made out of. Its different in flavour but not different in quality .. I wonder if my sister ever felt unloved by my dad who said she would be so intelligent all the time. Because basically it was his own shadow, he thought he was smarter then he was, coping with childhood shame and maybe wanted to let go of this inner lack through his kids. And maybe I also played the role of an intellectual at times because of it. And maybe that was also me not loving my sister. asking "what is the present moment" can bring you much closer into the present moment -- sometimes, it can be a game you play to hide from the present moment .. I cant believe my friend went for this girl

I just mean having a partner that is conscious. Many people are kind of numbed by life. I recently met a girl who seemed so hyper aware in the moment it was quite something. I mean it needs to have a significant importance otherwise you could just as well bang a doll.

I wrote my female friend such a long message and am analyzing it with chatgpt. I am pretending to be her and to get that message and asking it how to interpret it. The analysis is pretty intelligent but it misses some things.

In my mind they evolved from "Oh my god they killed kenny" humor to more intelligent topics like toxic masculinity, PC culture, ... But in that same breath even though their topics did improve they lost some of their original charm.

I woke up to ungodly time today. But I still had time to get some daylight in. Maybe go for an hour walk. Then a random ass Telekom guy rang at my door and had a conversation well over an hour with me. Eating my musli on my balcony in a winder jacket with 20% daylight left.

Whut? I think he meant being heartbroke can motivate you to get better at game.

No that wasnt it. It was hyper awareness, she noticed everything going on, adapting instantly. Like someone who sees the world in 120 FPS instead of our 60 FPS. You are describing high agreeableness. It does overlap with narcissism at the beginning stages but it can also have different reasons, for example she could have been really into you or be afraid of confrontation.

I know, but I am not meeting these women in the workspace.

That fits well. However she seemed a little more dominant/ in control then the typical feminine. She didnt seem that soft.

Yeah technical issues. He cant access his own blog.

How would you feel about it if you were in a relationship?

I really felt that I was scared right before I entered my social spot today. I neither saw the wpmi-girl nor the girl I met last time. But still that fear was in my bones and it took me quite some time to get over it. A dude there even said I look like I want to be invincible today. Simply because I felt like I did something wrong and would get a bunch of collective backlash or something even though she said everything was fine and I shouldnt even worry about it. This pattern comes up again and again, I feel like I did something wrong and expect immense pushback. Obviously past experience. Maybe I can get a grap on this pattern altogether. There was another girl I saw quite often and kinda liked. She was sluttly today with her tanga sticking out above her Jeans. I really would have liked to talk to her but there was so much inner shit. Played some 1998 Mario with a female friend there which was pretty wholesome actually. Afterwards my table tennis performance sucked ass though, it was really incredible. My mind was so pure from Youtube fasting and then it went to shit. This always happens. At the table another guy said I look tired and kinda sad. I felt like crying almost from all the emotional burden I felt. But there is absolutely nothing. No reason that I would need to feel that burden. Its just empty ghosts. Had some chill talk with some fire outside at the end. In general after like 3 hours I felt emotionally pretty warm. I simply need to come earlier, then I can take more opportunities.

No, I hang out with many women regularily. This was something else.

Its possible that she has narcissism actually.. I should have made the thread immediately after the encounter, its been about two weeks now and I didnt witnessed her for so long, but she did leave quite an impression on me evidently.. If it is the case that she has narcissism I wonder why I would for one be attracted to that and second not see through it..

No I dont even think she was particularily empathetic. Just somebody who is really in the moment, high energy, doesnt resist reality, is in a flow state. I dont know how to put it, she was kind of a one case study, didnt find the same kind of thing with any other girl. She works at the theatre, but not as an actress. I could imagine she is breathing in the high energy theatre energy regularely though.

I shared so much with my female friend. But 100% just things going on in my mind and what I witnessed. I refuse to give explicit interpretations.

I am so scared to go out again because I will likely meet the girl from last time for whom I still feel some shame and guilt towards. Probably unjustified but there is a chance. And I dont know how to go about it. What if she is with a group, it would be ignorant to walk buy, so should I go to her and wave my hand and ask how her day was or what.. that would be so akward. I might need to lead this thing. Well just yesterday I learned to be more initiative by fist bumping some people I am friends with, instead of avoiding the whole thing because I didnt know if I should go for a fist bump or hug and they seemed eased about it. Its okay to be akward. After all of this its kind of expectable even. I dont know about her though, I dont think I want to escalate further. I mean she is attractive and I kind of had feelings for her a few days afterwards but now I dont want to relive the last experience.

I just had such an aware moment. Kinda. Well I just looked into the room for 10 minutes without doing or distracting myself and enjoyed it. The present moment Baby. Also had a pretty conscious showering experience. Thought about so much. .. One of the reasons I sometimes go back and forth with my old theatre club, besides many reasons, is that I never hooked up with anyone there because of many reasons but also because I couldnt do it and didnt want to embaress myself. I had so much status, it would have been a big status fall to be perceived as akward. If I learn that ability then I can untwist certain projections I had in my mind about the old theatre club. Even if I had a few hookup friends there it would have maybe been easier.

I am kind of raging that I missed daylight today again. I mean I went to bed late because I sozialed and needed my sleep but still.. It might have also stalled with RV because my female friend pressured me to give a more direct answer which I fear to give..

I dont mean someone nice/ helpful although there can be overlap. I mean someone who is super in the moment, can instantly read and adapt to shifts in mood, isnt held back, doesnt have delay.. Imagine Peter Ralston as a pretty girl.