Jannes

Huh I am almot finished with the first protocoll. It was exactly how I imagined how it could work, I just had an intellectual impulse/ curiosity and followed through on that resulting in 2,5 sites of discourse. That fresh impulse cant be forced though.

Wow now thats a problem, I cant open a study for my university work because in the title is "video" because of video games. Damn ..

I stalled quite a bit and wasted some brain powe on the forum. Actualized block reactivated. I just need to start this is doable ...

@Never_give_up I would strategically search for stage green places in a first world country if you dont already live there, you will get accepted with open arms! For me I never really fit into the masculine men stereotype, I had phased where I lived up to it and even enjoyed it, but it was never a natural pull from me. I was always pretty soft, sensible and unagressive. People called me I am like a girl or gay because of it. I thought about it in my end teens, a different body would allow me a more colourful, emotionally intelligent phenemonological experience. There was a bit of longing for sure. But deep down I never really felt at unease with the body I was given. In the end I could do what I wanted to do with it. I could make it into something beautiful. And I never despised masculinity completly. 95% of it is ego-pushing trash but there is a deep beauty and need in its healhty form. The grounded, truthful, ego-less, brave if need be form. In my mid twenties in a theatre club I was given some pretty feminine make up for a play and I was entranced by the view in a way I never could have imagined. I was playing a bit with my lips flirting with the mirror and managed to produce quite a feminine charm. That was quite something. I was quite interested to explore that site of me further but it never got to it. Recently I got kind of sobered up by women. I experienced a lot of feminine specific toxic behaviour like social control and exclusion. The people who patched me up were mature white cis dude in their thirties lol. I was always team girls in my life but I kind of changed teams to the hand that feeds me. Not sure what will happen going forward, but atm I am kind of stabilized in my masculinity.

Hmm..

I could honestly share my digital minimalism strategies to the world. I have learned so much about it, it could be worth sharing.

I blocked videos on my phone as well now. It got very unhealthy very quickly. I was going to bed and was already looking to binge watch the next thing. The binge watch virus was infesting my virus within a day or two.

An important insight for my digital minimalism approach. Whenever I have a big impulse to get out of my minimalism, because I want to watch a video too find out about something it usually comes from a very productive and healthy place. For example when I wanted to watch a video on how to execute the chop block in table tennis. But after a short time I get into autopilot like an addict and binge watch. I cant control myself in those time periods. So what I could do is create an approach which is formulated around exactly this, through some kind of way I get a short access to something but then some structure pulls me right out with force again. That could work.

Its not just masturbation but the whole easy dopamine system you allow yourself. When you deny yourself all that easy access, its not just that you are more motivated to get it, your mind will reavaluate the situation and will unlock more resources in the form of confidence in you, because it is sensing that the current unrisky approach to things isnt getting you enough dopamine/ survival shit. Thats at least my thesis on it. Not sure about less masturbation in particular, I denied myself mostly everything around it so the described mechanism kicked in and I accessed more confidence which I needed to connect with other people to get the dopamine. I compensated my compensation strategies with the real thing eheh. And you can only jerk off a couple times a day, its not the biggest soure of mind numbing input you consume in a day.

I just found out that Connor Murphy passed away. Wanted to post on the forum but I am way too late. Whoa, not sure how too feel about it. Something about Leos comments on the thread struck me though, Connor was very unpractical in his approach. I used to incredibly unpractical, ideologically ungrounded as well. Gosh it felt great but reality gave me bad feedback again and again so I cooled down quite a bit. An important faceit of my development which I havent reflected or even forgot about.

The damm definitely broke. I am constantly watching some clips I can get my hands on on my phone now. Its like I once crossed that line and there is no going back. I need to figure something out after my deadline. Not sure if blockers with the same kind of completeness exist for your phone. Heck I could also just block my browser completly potentially.

Someone in the group noted how wrecked I look lol. How sweet of him though to reach out.

I felt like the audio was boring as shit and I couldnt reallyget into a creative flow or catch any thoughts on what I could say about it. I felt like maybe because I am towards the end I get a bit of a motivation kick but not really. Although now that I activate that thought pattern maybe yes.

I deserve a break and some good food. Will get back at it in maybe an hour or so to work on the protocolls. 2 protocolls with each about 3- 4 sites of my own argumentation. I think I can get that done. Luckily I dont get a grade for it.

I did it I think.. Got it as a handy pdf on my screen and ported on my usb to copy in the shop on monday. Lol, thats weird.

Also got the subheads done So only citation and the signature stuff left to do.

Not much to do any more, but many small problems which bug me for which I havent found a solution for yet.

About 20,25 pages. The spectrum is 15-20 so I have to slim down just a little.

Got the discussion and ending part done. Now the other points seem smaller but not with less unexpected difficulties perhaps.

Lol, I just started writing a tinder bio on google notes. My moral is pretty low.

Not motivated at all today. Lets sturcture my thoughts. For the housework I need to finish the discussion part with fresh thoughts and then do a short summary in the ending part. Afterwards I should read over the whole thing and look for obvious flaws. Then I need to think about how I quote the papers in the text, I didnt have a good idea on it yet. And then the last mandatory things like the signature, making it into a pdf and stuff. .. that should be my first block of today. Afterwards I can turn over to the protocolls but thats in the future in a couple hours hopefully.

If I stop now I wont reach my intended goal of finishing my house work. But really I will get at it tomorrow anyway as soon as I have time, so there is literally no time lost when I go to sleep now, as I will be fresh earlier. The only question is am I still productive and can produce intelligent thoughts.. the answer is NO. Goodnight

I dont know, I think I prefer the company of women. But also the feminine energy has something unclear about it. There is a certain comfort about the clearness and directness of masculine energy which is quite grounding.

I could continue to work but the day is liteally kinda over. Its very late at night, I think last night I only went to sleep an hour later. Have to keep this in mind, monday at regular midnight, not that late into the night like right now.

When my medication looses its effect I always get kinda horny, thirsty for stimulation.