Jannes

Just did an hour long meditation where I starred at a black point on a piece of paper. I helped me to work through quite a lot of thoughts and relaxed me. No special state of consciousness though. Although a bit. When I closed my eyes and let my thoughts run, I had some creative visions which seemed qualitatively different from my usual creative thoughts. Some kind of outfit, some kind of cristal-hearted-redness mixed with all sort of weirdness. They literally seemed higher/ more holy. Very hard to put into words.

Just cut my beard and only left the mustache and under lipp beard. It looks way cleaner in comparison. I dont know what I was thinking with this 2mm beard before. I never shaved it off completly for years so I never had a comparison. There is a deeper lesson that I sometimes need to change my usual patterns to see the other side... maybe I should do a hookup is what this lesson seems to suggest to me...

I have had a bunch of thoughts recently which I wanted to write down but then I didnt get to it and now I forgot them lol Well I think one was that I recently got really horny. My ex f+ posted some status on whatsapp which seemed pretty intimate. She can kind of convey that in pictures. Its so weird, on the one hand I like that, on the other our f+ relationship was hell, I never truly liked being around her. Its pretty confusing. Maybe I need to rewire my experience with intimacy with another partner.

The strategy to get the link of a video fast works awfully well..

Men oh men. I have pretty good sleep discipline still. Going to bed at 1pm yesterday but I slept about 11 hours. There is little that habit can do then.

Why is it bad that people are selfish? that people only care about their survival agenda? that they twist reality to fit their needs, that they are opportunistic, that they lie? why is survival "bad" ? Because its a lower form of love

Nice indeed

Although I find it stimulating to help I dont want to be a soil for her to rely on. I can help here and there though. Thats where a professional nearness distance relationship is important.

Forgot to put that in yesterday: Great socializing evening today. I am trying harder again and it shows. I feel more confident/ funny/ energetic. Sat next to a few new people and that was really nice. But oh men some dynamics tear me apart. I have a nice dynamic with two of them. With one I built up some trust. Another I don't know as long but I find her more attractive, she is a bit older (more mature hopefully) and so on. So potentially a better match. They collided a bit today and that sucks. I kind of need to give some direction to it. I was in this situation before and because I didn't choose I didn't take anyone of them, even though I liked them both. And later a friend of mine came late to the social spot. She seemed pretty emotionally unstable. I think I put her at ease though. And this was quite stimulating as well. Later on I think she longed for a bit more. I really would have liked

I finally made it to my body doubling launge again. Something I notice though is that I am always looking directly in the camera when I look at the other people in the launge. The camera decive and the screen on which I see other people body double would need to be seperated. So I would need my laptop to be the camera, or my iPad to use an external camera.

I lacked a lot of energy and confidence today. I also stood up a lot later so my routine was out of balance but still ..

Oh no, I found a new way to indulge in watching youtube videos. If I remember the title I can type it in, switch to video, click on the video and then the blocker sets in. But I will have the link in time to copy in here.

I have a complete hyperfocus on this video game right now. My thoughts always drift to it. I could give it a go.

Anyway it didnt go well. I should do 50 targets with 5 questions each for the next time. Wait thats not to bad, I do 15 targets with 1 questions a day usually.

Damnit I was like 4min late to my RV session with my coach. I only got him like every 2-3 weeks for a short coaching, so that is valueable time and seems disrespectful on my end.

Men I absolutely hated the situation I was in just now. So I got late to university (just in time) and had to choose between two seats. My standard one last time or to the left. I would have sat in the middle but I needed to choose so I sat on my standard seat. That was so weird though, I kind of have a weird connection with the guy, where I kind of stealed his friend. And I liked the girl on the left as well. But somehow out of diplomacy or whatever I choose to sit next to him. And it felt weird the whole time. He also seemed a bit weirded out about it. Ffs everyone would be more comfortable if I just stood to what I wanted. Next time it will be extra weird because then not sitting next to him would signal that I didn't enjoy our last encounter. This is I think a very specific and narrow set of problems I have which could be tackled very accurately.

I hope there will be more european retreats in the future! Dont feel quite ready for it yet.