Jannes

I think I will take some medicinet tomorrow. I need a boost to work on my university stuff

I am not lazy, I make a conscious decision to dowhshift: https://karrierebibel.de/downshifting/

I watched a gay cartoon porn a couple days ago and I am still kind of off-put by it. There is a component I like about it, at least in the cartoon version, but I am also put off by it. Weird.

When I said goodbye to someone today I kind of gave them a longing smile .. hard to put into words but definitely showing some deep romantic-ish interest. And the thing was, it was a dude. ... I have no idea what just happened there. I kind of looked at him a couple of times, I noticed his good style before I knew he was gay/ bi with a bias on guys, he is super chill to talk to and he looks attractive. Soo yeah he is kind of in this exception realm but I cant tell what that reaction of mine was.. it seemed genuine on my end but I cant connect the dots really. Am I surpressing something so deeply that I cant even make it conscious when I focus my attention on it?

Men, one of the very few good things humans did was create open source projects. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DYAT1RbgRLZ/ We need an open source amazon, or an open source marketplace at least.

A lot of that gloryess vibes from yesterday are gone. I have only slept for 6 hours, thats probably part of the reason why.

My inner thighs hurt like crap. They are so sore from last training session. Maybe thats one way to increase the size of my legs.

I just texted a girl from university which I like. Well, at the point where I had the least sexual interest she seemed like the best choice. Not because she isnt sexually interesting but when you take sexuality out of the equation she seems healthy. But really this confronts me with what I really want. I am telling myself that I am not interested in casual sex and emotionally I actually do feel drawn towards her but there is just this inner will to bang a lot of girls still.. I think I have never observed this inner conflict so closely.

I think its because much of social interaction is a bit forced, in this moment there was a real vibe going on so you didnt need to force anything.

Chilled with my friend after impro. It was so super nice, we had a great chatter. Well actually I talked about stuff on my mind as well. But it was just so smoth and effortless, like I couldnt imagine how that could ever happen before but it did. I think its all thanks to blocking youtube. It went so well I didnt even know when to end it, like I wasnt used to talking and talking effortlessly and thought we need to stop at some point but really it wasnt nessaccary. I needed to pee at some point pretty badly so I stopped then. Interestingly I didnt really feel like hugging for a goodbye and he also BECAUSE it went so well I think. Which was really strange.

1) I am truly not at a point in my life where I know myself or my values good enough to really know what my LP is ( If I havent taken the course I would have thought that I just didnt think about it long enough ) 2) But somehow there is still a clear calling which needs to be discovered 3) Its in the direction of conveying spirituality and it will include my strenghts like thinking outside the box, empathy, creativity and so on.

God be like ..

I was public viewing for the wm-final. Men I feel like shit. I have got a headache. This usually happens when I am resensatized to digital stuff. And the game was also shit. Time to go to sleep ..

I had a weird bad dream tonight. I was alone at my parents house when suddenly someone strangely stalked the window, I took some cover to not be seen but I also wanted to see who is there. I went to the door I believe. Then I saw how one or two smashed a window. I ran upstairs, they seemed like troublemakers or robbers. I ran to my room and wanted to call the polive but a cartoonishly buff fat guy followed me "blurring something like you wanna call someone" implying that he knew I wanted to call the police and wanted to stop me. I looked at that tank thought for a second about a strategy and realized I didnt have many options. Just as a woke up I realized I must kick in his nuts if I want to have any chance. I didnt wake up shocked and in sweat or anything like that but it did wake me up. I stayed awake a bit longer thinking about my strategies. I should have went to another room where I could have went on the balcony and could have jumped off onto a table in the garden and from there jumped to my neighbors garden to another neighbors garden into the streets. (This was a path I mapped out once in case a fire broke out.) And I could have yelled that I am being robbed, call the police!!! I think the source of this dream is pretty straight forward, I am confronting ghosts of my past and they have a lot of motivation to haunt me.

I would love to throw a rock at a window of that dumb building but commiting a crime doesnt help me personally and wont help me get rid of my anger.

I am just in so much anger, its kinda painful like a constant light burn. I know I know its because of my old theatre club but what can I do ..

I wrote him about my problems with him back then and he didnt text me back within the last 24 hours. I am growing pretty angry because its important to me and I feel ignored. I mean its about shit like 3 years ago but still. Maybe he answers back later, maybe not at all. I am actually kind of scared of confronting him, he has influence on other people of the old theatre club. Well I never went the pragmatic route..

Haha its similiar to the beach situation last saturday. I also went back and forth a bit until I collected enough courage. I didnt even set the goal to go for pick up again, simply the fact that I am more used to lower stimulation and going out more seems to put me into situations ...

Damn my game was on point today. Worked out at the gym and saw an attractive girl and eventually collected all my courage and talked to her and her friend. Had a funny little opener "I looked all around the gym and you two seem to have the most developed talking muscle" (because they chit chatted all the time). So this opened up a fun little talk. Asked for her number and she said she is in a happy relationship but respects my courage for talking to her. A bit later she even went in the same area as me on a training machine so it seems she was quite comfortable with me. Honestly I think I did pretty well. I wasnt even that socially warmed up or in state so considering that I rocked. But this immediately reframes the romantic situation I am in. I feel more in power, I feel like my status is higher.

Yesterday at the train station I saw a girl with short hair. That was a love at first sight moment. Actually this happened a number of times with girls with short hair. Obviously its mostly looks and vibe based but its pretty telling to what I am into, like I dont like the typical girly girl.

So he wrote again because he missed the website I put in chat which has a 1 day delete So I answered him again but then added some real talk and problems i had/ have with him. Will see what happens.

Yesterday memories flashed my mind. When I was like 19 years old I visited an old classmate of mine. At that moment I felt so weird, like I was so old already and I already needed to have socialized a lot more. I felt so much sadness and sense of having missed so much. lol I was a baby back then. Now I am so much older and still live through the same sort of dynamic. I am fundamentally wired differently for that outcome to happen continuously. Will see if my youtube block changes things fundamentally.

I am back at not knowing what I want from the dating scene atm. Do I want a relationship or feel sexual abundance? In the direction of sexual abundance there are always so many obstacles and when there aren't any it often just doesn't really feel right. But never having done it also doesn't feel good. In the direction of relationships I kind of have 2 girls I think could be good partners. Both pretty young, about 20 years old though, so maybe this age gap will be difficult.. ..

Yesterday I went to a university beach party. Just talked to one girl. And I actually did pretty well in our little talk. Its moreso that I dont talk to girls enough and try my luck that I dont succeed rather then that I am not attractive enough. But I know that.. I think..

I am wondering more now if I should have kept ignoring him. My initial program of diplomacy feels a bit outdated, but its understandable why I didnt, he could have been key to reconnecting with the old theatre club.. he actually wanted just shrooms though it seems like, or mainly ..