Jannes

RV note Scene with artist girl yesterday, same thing with me at the old theatre club // So there was a moment yesterday when I was sitting next to the artist girl chilling and a table tennis ball flew behind our bench. I graped for it and accidently slightly punched on the artist girls glasses when I got the ball out. Her reached was mega werid though, she seemed super lovely and in a way tamed about what happened. I was in the wrong movie for a split second. I had the same thing happen to me as well though, in two scenarios where I experienced a very intense situation of thread I felt a shitton of positive emotions. My inner self was almost begging to experience it. I think its just trapped energy from overwhelming situations (of violence) and these situations make working through it possible. Maybe she experienced violence herself. It would fit into another pattern of her which though, when I went for a hug and still had cold hands she was like oh yeah I like cold hands, completly ignoring her own needs. It was pretty twisted. She has a bunch of mental illnesses, depression, bipolar, adhd and something else. At the same time she provides so much comfort and love for so many people. I would really like to get her. My best guess would be that she made very bad experiences and feels like its her fault and that she just needs to provide for people more. But at the same time she displays insane confidence.

Not sure where to put it, but it goes into the direction of Gods creative intelligence I guess. Since Leo talked about the Xenomorph in his latest video I contemlated that example. The Xenomorph is not truly something out of another dimension, it has limbs, a body, a head, black color, familiar movement all put together in a way that it makes sense to us. But I realized even creating a unique and fitting composition of these traits which doesnt resemble something that already exists in our experience is very rare. So lets post creative pieces here which come as close to a true original creation as possible!

If I never tasted fast food, I wouldnt crave it. Look at indigenous people, they dislike the taste. You have a natural instinct for food but not that it is made in a particularily junky way. No I never smoked.

I am building up from pretty low when it comes to my attatchment style. But I am at least conscious of it. It felt almost impossible oto built a connection before, now it feels just very difficult.

Pretty intnse social evening. I felt good, like I had gained a new confidence because I felt like I could handle all the greeting rituals and could create boundaries if the need was there. Also saw the wpmi-girl again after some weeks now. She went for a hug immediately and I felt a little hesitant but it was okay. Emotionally a bit came up. At a later point I sat next to her and she asked me again how I was feeling and that I didnt seem like I was feeling good. Almost like the Bladerunner girl ("You look lonely, I can fix that") in the advertising spot but provoking me to say I didnt feel good. She had another guy on her side and he seemed on hyper attention noticing our dynamic. Didnt want anything to do with that, I built enough emotional distance that I basically didnt care. I had pretty good conversations actually. I kind of got to a point where I thought about what I want to do instead of trying to learn the rules. Later two guys from my old theatre club I am cool with and the girl I hooked up with a few weeks ago entered the room. Complete overstimulation, first the guys from the old theatre club representing the old theatre club and then the girl I had no idea with how to reenter the atmosphere with again. After a minute or so I noticed that they came in a group, damnit. Chatted up with one of the guys who played some Super Mario on an old console on his own. We had a good chatter actually. At some point he made a break saying he has to look for his group so I left as well, feeling that I might be unwanted anyway. He came back, locked around the room, our eyes catched, I smiled, he smiled back and I reentered the round and he continued playing on the console. It went completly over my head that we were kind of establishing a connection. I reentered later though. I didnt talk to the girl in the end. In my head my strategy was that when she would completly avoid my eye contact she doesnt want to talk and thats all good. When there is some eye contact then I would talk to her friendly. I think I was being pretty pussy.

Maybe that explains why I almost wanted to plan both things at the same time, going back to my old theatre club AND booking a place in Berlin. Hmm what if I faced both fears at once. What if I went to my old theatre club, but my old theatre club is now playing in Berlin and there are a bunch of other Berlin people there I need to socialize with. Afterwards a big table tennis party would take place with some of my old theatre folks being there. Now I face both fears at once. It kinda clears my mind but I dont see a direction.

Thats a double standard. If you argue that something only manifests itself in success if there was a hidden need before then the same would go for crack, cirarettes etc. Yes you need food to survive and not cigarettes but you dont need it to be junk. If you say people need junk then people also need cigarettes.

I definitely dont want to crash on medication when I go back and right now I still havent figured out the medication.

But the same logic goes. If its wrong to create and sell crack to crack addicts its also wrong to sell junk food to junk food addicted people. Less wrong sure, but that doesnt make it right. There are plenty of smaller restourants which sell healthy food but yes generally doing something consciously is harder. Sorry but it reads pretty comically. Is your average american for example refusing to eat any unhealthy junk? NO! half their diet consists of garbage. Some people only eat garbage. Who goes to McDonalds to buy a salad!? On the menu list in germany the salad doesnt even have its own category, there are two salats in the extras category mixed in with different fries.

Going feels wrong, not going also feels wrong. I guess my lense of fear distorts my vision but that goes in both directions, I have fear of showing up again and also fear to built something new.

I still find myself with the inner struggle of going back or not. Tomorrow would be an opportunity. There are good reasons to never come back but also I loose insanse opportunites. Could go to a show in two weeks as well. Really there is no reason to go specifically tomorrow but some emotional discharge needs to be made.

OH! Maybe I am thinking about the old theatre club again because I blocked Youtube... Interesting.

Not consciously though, you would have some kind of excuse. Wtf am I reading.

There are forms of suffering I was ignorant of. Have you ever tried medication which reduce hunger?

I feel shitty that I sent her that voice message. Well it was needed but it doesnt feel good. I hugged her when I met her. When she left she fist bumped everybody instead of hugging. She seemed normally social in the other ways though. If I cant control my intention to my advantage then of course I will be hesitant to do survival choices because they often create bad feelings for other people. And when its natural for me to be aware of that then it seems like I am literally doomed if I want to be authentic and survive in this world. I feel like my inner sense of social worth matches my chemical makeup which forces me in certain positions. Hard to tell what came first.

I feel really good on Elvanse in this moment. I really want a performance test, like with impro acting. My comprehension skills arent all that matter.

Yeah but it cuts out healthy foods as well. Its like saying dont eat apples because ice cream is bad for you.

That sort of appetite must suck. What have you settled into? How do you keep your hunger in check?

I dont feel good about Elvanse atm but I took half a dose anyway. This needs experimentation.

I wonder where leaving the old theatre club falls here. Well after sharing vulnerability I thought it wouldnt change a thing anyway.

Without medication I didnt really face the same rejection, well in my city at least, in Berlin it was a different story. But I also rarely made anything happen. (in my city) For all I know yeesterday could have been progress. But that I am so evasive like an eel but then glue to people when I feel like I want and can have them in my circle doens strike me as healthy and also doesnt feel healthy.

I feel so damn weird. I think its Elvanse. I just dont feel normal. It could also just be the experience yesterday.

Did you eat "clean" before?

Yeah, protein is the most satiating. What are your fat sources?

Carbs are satiating as well. How many apples are you gonna eat? How many bananas? How much brown rice? Whats not satiating are highly processed carbs and whats gonna make you fat the most is THE COMBINATION OF HIGHLY PROCESSED CARBS AND FATS. Btw. in mass phases in Bodybuilding you want most of the surplus coming from carbs because they are the most anabolic but its typically very hard to do because you just cant get that many carbs down so you make a compromise and include some fats.