Jannes

Saw the girl I wrote the message to today. It was pretty weird. At the end of the impro session she said that she was sorry that she didnt reply but will do so and will take her time. I kind of wanted to distance myself from here, it was a weird impact. I kind of felt behind in this dynamic when my response was to help her. At one moment she also seemed pretty strict with me, judging me pretty harshly. It was a weird cocktail, but she seemed to enjoy a good connection with her bf, so all good on that front. Also despite taking a second dose of medicinet today it went pretty well, it wasnt too much. And I was at fire at impro acting today.

Normal is just a thing in your head. I vaguely said "good or morally justified" on purpose. There are better and worse things to do. Raping is on the not so good category. I dont want to make any complicated distinctions here between good, moral, goodness etc. this is not what this is about. Yes there is something special about it, it kills a living ecosystem. I dont know if you want to misunderstand me on purpose. Isnt this literally your own point? Again: Aka saying that animals that are eaten did at least get a decent life until this point. If they wouldnt be eaten they wouldnt be raised and would never exist. If thats not what you meant, could you explain it? It doesnt just have to be deserts, you can make the point that other habitats can flourish with small livestock. But almost all meat comes from industrial live stock and grass fed beef is expensive and could only feed a small part of the population.

Obviously normal doesnt always mean good or morally justified. I responded to this argument you made: If you didnt eat -> you wouldnt have touched nature -> things would have continued to live live in nature -> therefore: you didnt create life out of nothing. you did a lot of killing to create a new way of life for the animals, one that is likely much worse. There are many ways to do it, livestock is an option yes. Not industrical livestock farming though where the vast majority of meat comes from, that is simply destructive.

You have to destroy a lot of flourishing nature with living animals to grow crops and built a place so you can raise all these animals. Its not like you create all of that in the middle of the desert and are therefore creating life that didnt exist before, you simply transform the landscape of nature into crop fields and lifestock. Alternatively you could even transform the space into a place where humans live.

I have almost no friends with overlaying survival agenda. This is the big thing I think. I prefer female friends but most of them develop feelings so that gets akward. Guy friends I like less. And relationship wise I dont really know anyone I would like. So thats a difficult predicament and quite terrifying to make conscious. Thats why everything points to finding ways to deal with my emotions on my own like with knitting.

I think I found a way!! I put this routine from Mo to Sunday in there but I changed it so that it would restart the routine of each week to 3 days earlier. So for example the box I named Monday RV Routine already opens at Friday, so I can already tick it off in advance. It should work, I hope.

I thought I already wrote some pre-thoughts for this but cant find them. This meaning all of experience is kind of consciousness even other people in your mind are made out of the same substance as your direct experience blablabla .. .. I only really get to process my emotions during this RV sessions which shouldnt be the case. Maybe I also just need to do it imediately after taking the medication, maybe I managed to put the center when my medication dropped and all my emotions came back.

I have intense daydreaming before my RV session again, mostly about my old theatre club again.. Hour long daydreaming of a lot of emotional juggling, how would i feel going out alone, at different places, with other people.. At my social spot I currently dont see any girl I am really attracted to, I need to expand my circle. I perfer a serious relationship but cant do it with anyone I know. I sometimes had this deep sense of being by myself when I was on my own on an adventure. I miss that. .. Is that same substance everything is made out of love, because love is everythingness. ? .. My session went terrible. Mostly wrong results and it took 2:20 hours. Most of it is from daydreaming though.

Beauty in genetic engineering Beauty, Intelligence, health etc. are all qualities mostly governed by genetics. In the coming decade technology will advance so much that we will likely genetically engineer humans. It would seem good and fair to distribute beauty, intelligence, health and other desirable traits equally. But here is the thing, that inherent imbalances creates challenges which can grow you and help you learn to love deeper. Imagine if you had some spiritual Human-Superminds who want to prove to themselves that they can truly love. So before birth they get asked, do they rather want to live in a world where everyone is genetically engineered to be beautiful and desirable or would they rather have the mixed bag we have right now. They would likely say "please give us a mixed bag so we can prove that we can seriously love, if everyone was desirable loving would be so easy, it wouldnt mean anything." If everyone would be beautiful, it would take the potential to manifest deeper forms of love away, a form of love which rose above survival pressures. I am not sure if this form of love could grow or even be perceived of in a fair world. Maybe other ways to express deeper love could be found in this new era though.

My place for philosophical thoughts and spiritual insights.

I felt a very strange sense of realness yesterday when I fully accepted my evil nature in a romanticized way. I had a moment in my old theatre clubwhere where I expressed that same realness. I did it with an psycho evil face when I avoided eye contact after obviously enjoying a good view of a girls backside. To this day I am unsure about this situation. For the leader of the club it obviously shaped the perception of me as someone with psycho fragments. For myself I could never pinpoint if this truly was the most evil part I ever expressed of myself and that this part was in fact so evil that I couldnt accept that this evilness is actually part of me so my mind protects me with confusion or if this was in fact incredfibly loving and conscious of me in that moment as I aired out this evil part consciously for everyone to see "I am evil, YES I AM EVIL, BUT HERE IT IS I AM NOT HIDING IT AND IT IS THE FULL PICTURE IT NOT GOING TO BE WORSE THEN THIS.

The thought came to me when I was watching the podcast about Uddey Hussein. I really do feel like I am terrible on another level sometimes. Maybe thats why I have a certain taste for video game or movie villains. Thats some scary shadow work all of the sudden.

I wonder how much my confidence is skewed from getting much approval from my dad when I was young. Kinds with much approval can have low confidence because their expectation doesnt match reality. And I have a bit of a mixed bag, sometimes I am super feeling myself and oftentimes not at all. Could also be adhd, but I wanted to pin that possible facet as long as it enters my mind right now. Could easily forget it again.

Today at my table tennis spot I noticed how the one women tried to get in contact with me and I noticed how antisocial I am. I just completly zooned out when it was time to chit chat. This is pretty usual for me actually. Tbh I dont really want to befriend people most of the time but then I wonder why I feel all alone sometimes.

I can create a routine for a RV session for every weekday. Unfortunately the Widget doesnt order which event comes next so I have a bunch of empty bubbles all the time and need to scroll down for the weekday sometimes. This doenst give me the feeling of being in time most of the time.

In my To-Do List App I need to find a way to check tasks which are in the future. I have 1 RV session a day, but when I want to be in Berlin for some days for example, I need to find a way to do 1-2 RV sessions in advance so that I can chill there. And the app with this Widget is vital for that. It organizes my thoughts, I rely on it. Sounds silly but its really hard to do it without it.

Wrote that thought down yesterday when I was going for a walk: Because my focus is naturally less on me and I can hyperfocus on important details, naturally I will have moments where I can see and bind with people more closely then most other people could.

Even at the begginning of my twenties I always had this intuition that everything was so pretentious. We all play roles but could just drop them and see how ridiculous it all is. In recent years I completly lost that sense. Maybe I can get it back.

Late RV - session insights Whats weird is that I have two radical different programms in my mind when it comes to dating. Either full commitment, doing everything for someone or hardcore PUA mindset, not letting anyone come near me. But its often in between cases. I dont have a program for that. I might have had the intuition that i would come back to RV with more life experience My mind is so sneaky, I dont even notice when I go into unconsciousness. I ask for the target and realize a moment later, I wasnt really aware. So I try to be fully aware and it really seems like I am but each time I notice, No, I wasnt. I am kind of surviving on autopilot. I havent really allowed my mind to fully comprehend all the possibilites I could have sexually. I notice that when I think of sexual opportunites I have right now and I think: whoa how can that be, well this and much more I surpressed. Maybe 1h RV sessions just dont work for me properly. I already have problems with concentration. At the end of this session I just couldnt do it anymore. This was 46 mins now which is okay. Would like to bring the trend of less then 30 mins back. I am more thorough now though, which plays into it. My results werent that great, a few hit it perfectly and a few felt misguided. Like I had once the picture of heat from an oven in my mind and wrote heat down but I had orange mountains shining in the evening sun, likewise I had the picture of an organge almost healed open wound in my wind which in its essence (without the interpretation that it would be a wound) could have been a perfect match.

Human nature I guess. Its just that rich people have the means to live it out.

I am kind of transphobic which I hate. A friend of mine, previously male classmate is becoming more and more women. She has a new voice now. He wasnt the greatest friend but one I would be comfortable to keep in touch with but now I notice how difficult it is for me. I tried to rise above my lower instincs and congratulated their birthday and also said we could meet sometime again but now that it comes to it my mind tries to avoid the encounter so hard. At my social spot I am friends with another trans person, there its not really a problem for me somehow. If I met them it would be very hard for me and I would just be glad when its over I feel. Idk maybe not. Back when they had makeup and a dress of for the first time it was extroardinary difficult already but I managed to fight through and it ended up being okay. What would I teel a hardcore racist who is conscious that he instinctively hates black people but also that it doenst make any sense and contradicts his moral compass. More exposure? Is that the same thing even?

I had such strong Ben & Jerries cravings yesterday and today which I rarely had before. Ate some nuts opportunistically at the spot which calmed that craving. Its either just me not eating enough because the medication surpresses the feeling of hunger or my dopamine system looking for coping mechanisms because of the lack of dopamine provided by Youtube etc.

Also when I do things on my own I often feel myself much more. I have this Uber-me in my head of someone unbound, travelling around with no clear structure but always at home by himself.