Jannes

Cutting someone in pieces with this thing seems so uncivilized, I prefered the bomb version.

Gay people dont make me uncomfortable, but this homophobia, this expressed uncomfortableness about homosexuality makes me uncomfortable

Yeah but in a modest way. Most of what she talked about in that video was complete new territory for me.

@Miguel1 I know you dont mean me specifically, but I just didnt want to beat around the bush which is why I choose those words. I watched the video, she makes good points. But I dont really know what to add to that. She explains the female perspective as a female, as a men I dont have the authority to argue much with that.

I am literally getting nothing done atm I was doing body doubling and I don't know why I am not doing more of that atm Maybe that I unblocked YouTube is the problem even with the careful selection of channels. I mean I am learning a lot but practical things need to get done as well. I would really like to have my shit together relationship wise and then be there for other people as a free psychologist. That's what I thrive as.

It explains a little, but not that much. If you are a dude in the 18-29 range you likely dont want to wait for a gf until you are out of that range and when some of the women in that age group increase their percentage with an older partner, men can do the same with an older or younger partner. And men can date below that age range as well, like a 18 year old dude can date a 17 year old girl. It would only make sense when you say that men just need more time and emotional maturity until they can enter the dating market. I think I wanted a gf since I was like 14 though. Good that it is US specific.

One more one more round

Wait what!? 63% of men in the 18-29 age group are single while only 34% of women in that age group are single!?? So girls nowadays rather want a piece of chad then settle down with a beta for themselves? Thats what the data is suggesting. I wonder to which degree something like this affects politics.

Stole love to feed his ego, used it to became "someone" in this world and is now shaping it. All the while the victims are barely scraping by. Unattractive because they dont have any love left.

I have got a bit of a headache. When I went to sleep yesterday I really felt like shit. Emotionally that is. When I went out to eat with friends last time, this one girl started hitting on me (by continuely sort of bumping and stimulating my leg) when her boyfriend made a picture of us. I tried a diplomatic way to imply to her that I am not interested but that doesnt seem to work. I feel angry about the shamelessness not just of her but of so many women. Should I tell them that they should stop being a slut or what? Seriously!? Maybe I should built stronger barriers. But I just cant imagine shit like this so it gets me by surprise.

Dream last night: I was thinking in my dream: That the dream isn't always perfectly consistent is a feature of reality which gives the fabric away at times. That I can think like a waking person in dreams or dream in daytime is an inconsistency. Without it it would be sorta like a perfect hallucination that never has any spots which makes you question the whole thing. That you can have a sort of waking thinking consciousness (in dreams) makes you conscious of the fabric of reality. Thats a feature, not a bug! I wanted to continue philosophizing but I just couldn't maintain the dream any longer. (The dream continued) When I told that my parents in the dream they were already very upset and ready to destroy the dream. I met them both with love and so I overcame their resistance. However at the end of that effort the dream became very weak. But I salvished that as well and with the little material I had left which was the dream of me and some sort of picture of an landscape, I let myself fall into this world and it worked, I got pushed back into the dream and this new reality. So then I clearly said again what I already said before to get back to my point but that itself was seemingly too eager and the dream slipped away and I woke up.

Wild thought: If nature is evil, isnt it the moral position to destroy all of cruel nature? Whats so great about keeping the amazon where all the animals slaughter each other constantly? Are they even happy? Shouldnt humanity create a giant zoo with rules so that animals cant kill each other in the most painful ways? .. I think nature deserves its place, its just hard to imagine what the conscious existance of animals living in nature is like though.

Yeah its pretty trippy to become aware that Epstein was very intellectual. I dont know what to make of it. I got it from this interview below. I think its a got example to deepen ones understanding of self deception

Just watched the Barbie movie. My head hurts. It was funny though. Time to put the blocker back on.

I was searching Stage Yellow and Turqoise Youtube Channels on chatgpt and it gave me that, so I clicked on the sweet lady. Pretty deep stuff, connecting to spiral dynamics perfectly. I wonder though if chasing after the highest stuff is always the best thing to do. I am unsure where I am at, probably a mix of orange/green/yellow. So on the one hand an artificial stage yellow center of gravity is nice, but also I need to integrate all the other stages as well, so I shouldnt exclude them. .. Men I am still hurt. Damn. This moment of feeling excluded really hit me. But this opens up exactly what my core problem is, which is that there is very little confidence and comfort in being close with other people, such that something like this already hurts me. And it explains my carefulness with other people, my selectiveness, my withhelding, my recoiling .. and also why I feel threatened the moment someone with actual healthy confidence wants to connect with me. So then I have to reflect on my whole standards thing .. A combination could possibly be that I CANT connect to not stimulating people and therefore all my problems etc. arise .. .. You laugh, you are not stage yellow: edit: deleted .. I freaking out that this fucking forum cant load. I need my journal to write out my emotions to process them. FUCK THIS SHIT Google notes aint it.

Yesterdays evening leaves an uncomfortable aftertaste in me. I was clearly the third wheel. The friend of the guy whom I went to invited me but they didnt seem to align in their position, so that was akward and I felt and to a certain degree was unwanted. Not a good feeling.

Yesterdays note: While it hurts a lot to let go of so many people, especially the old theatre club, it forces me to select the right ones more. If I didn't make this experience I would be much more ignorant to this. Although I don't have much reason to believe that the people I am around right now are some kind of angels. I went out spontaneously today and was chilling with two dudes afterwards. We went to one's home. I was a bit shy and uncomfortable at first because I usually dont meet people that mask off most of the time. But I feel that's exactly what I need. It was still pretty low energy though, so I don't think I want to make them close friends per se but a nice experience nonetheless.

Great job!

Men I was so horny tonight. Not sure what it was, maybe the feeling of being socially connected or the biology girl. I imagined sex with her would be non conceiled. I imagine we would smash and she would get a red head from the arousal but wouldnt have overwritten the instinct to hide that, to not give value away. But that sort of honesty is kind of impossible if you really want to be compedetive in this world. Unless the atmosphere is fluffened up by me knitting perhaps. I value authenticity so much. Maybe thats what people value about me.

Notes after yesterdays evening: Today it felt like I made some progress at my social spot. When I was knitting this one girl sat next to me and we had such a nice chat. She wasnt really my type physically but she had a nice energy. She was a biology student and had a bit of a women mustache. She also seemed just a little out there I thought when she waved to some people who seemed to not even be her friends. But she seemed so effortlessly confident as well. Maybe because it was required for her to survive. Maybe I also put people at ease when knitting. But she seemed very genuine and I actually felt genuine attraction which my mind held back quite a lot because she didn't fit into my frame. Then I had a long chat with an Ukrainian. I was a bit toasted afterwards. I kind of got more into a social mood though. This always comes from me stepping out of my comfort zone. I wonder if because I have so much rejection sensitivity that that's because I didnt engage that much and also didn't get into a social mood that much .. I am also just seeing that I am like at level 3 of socializing while many other people are many levels above me. However that doesn't really matter because I am attractive for one and second because if I simply feel accepted and am in a social state I have no problems being charismatic. For a brief moment I was in state just as I left the spot. And it was when I was initiating a conversation with a girl I usually don't talk to. People around me take care of me all the time, so there isn't much I have to do. When I first came to the social spot I was always scared, but I often reached very high social peaks. Now I am not scared much anymore, but I am also kind of numb. I need the combination of both somehow. I think a best friend or relationship would work as that would give me a higher baseline and from that I could talk to more people. A girl I have on WhatsApp has a picture of her in a kind of enraged-ish way. Deliberately I assume. She has tons of social intelligence. To get into a social state you need to express things about yourself that you are insecure about. One time I was in a peak social state and I was looking for a ball and was thrilled to look for it by looking for it through my thighs looking behind me in this awkward way. That only makes sense in this state. You need to be as uncool as possible. Wow, I actually kind of want to get back to the social spot. Some cool people are still there. I am also really freaking tired though. Wow, I am so tired that my hands are disconnected from the rest of my body. My mind doesn't conceptualize my body in the background being connected to my head and everything else. So cool. At some point I learned that I need to follow my Impulses to guide my conversation. That's actually what happened. I saw how someone had a interesting package for something and talked to him about it etc. Found it interesting and immediately used that as a starter.

Maybe I should take medication again. I had so much energy from this one dose of medicinet which I took that one day. It just feels like over time I get pretty sick of it. And also the comedown sucks.

Notes from yesterday night: Men I missed two opportunities today to hug girls I like. I mean I have only like 3 in my sphere of interest right now so that's a bummer. I don't know why I am so hesitant. Well I am usually overwhelmed so yeah. I appreciate the one girl and checked many boxes but there are no feelings yet. I would need to talk to her alone. I feel pretty toasted again. Nonstop socializing for 6 hours is a lot for me.

I got an answer about the potential laser work on my face. I have a bit of shame around that it is self obsessed or conceited. Well .. it kinda is. But thats also where some of the inner pressure came from to look for a job.

I think I also quite like being a consultant in some way. That and I also like the idea of after school supervision. Talked with a friend who works in the educator field and says there are too many educator atm. So its probably not easy to find a job. Which kinda makes it even more important to look for options because I could already built up something for later. Ofc I keep the RV path but having this second path could even take out some pressure out of the RV path. I could also tell my parents I am doing smth else. I would earn some extra money. Even if RV works I have something else to do and I can spread my sources of income to feel more financially secure. It would likely help with productivity and socializing ... I am a little scared to get my ass up, that I cant find something and the uncertainty that I might get myself into a field which I am not happy about or that stresses me out. Well I choose life.