Jannes

Will take medication today again. Want to isolate how sleeping long affects my productivity.

I see time and time again that women/ people dont follow rules, they follow their feelings. And I just cant get in because I dont.

I had weird ass dreams today. Reunited with many people of the old theatre club and .. kissed a girl there finally. Although I am not sure if she kissed me first. No she kissed me first and I said something like I was about to kiss you as well. I had feelings for her back then but she had a boyfriend so I stopped myself. Oh men.

The Dino should get a customizeable chain. And maybe extra reinforcements on the teeth. That would humanize it to some degree.

Now this is interesting, I do experience myself having troubles focusing without some sort of input. I also heard someone else with adhd have that difficulty and resolving it with traffic noise. I NEED to try this

Raw Consciousness is so beautiful. Its the only beautiful thing. In relationships we experience it for a while. I wonder why we run away from consciousness otherwise though. Like my mind wants to numb and distract itself. Whats the deal? How can't I know any better?

Interestingly my imagination continued a lot in this meditation. And also some parts of my soul, aka deep emotional wounds started to heal. The vibe was a bit like this.

Its so weird actually being on top of my game and not having things to do urgently. Actual free time. I could fall into video games but better invest it into meditaton.

Just did an hour long meditation where I starred at a black point on a piece of paper. I helped me to work through quite a lot of thoughts and relaxed me. No special state of consciousness though. Although a bit. When I closed my eyes and let my thoughts run, I had some creative visions which seemed qualitatively different from my usual creative thoughts. Some kind of outfit, some kind of cristal-hearted-redness mixed with all sort of weirdness. They literally seemed higher/ more holy. Very hard to put into words.

Just cut my beard and only left the mustache and under lipp beard. It looks way cleaner in comparison. I dont know what I was thinking with this 2mm beard before. I never shaved it off completly for years so I never had a comparison. There is a deeper lesson that I sometimes need to change my usual patterns to see the other side... maybe I should do a hookup is what this lesson seems to suggest to me...

I have had a bunch of thoughts recently which I wanted to write down but then I didnt get to it and now I forgot them lol Well I think one was that I recently got really horny. My ex f+ posted some status on whatsapp which seemed pretty intimate. She can kind of convey that in pictures. Its so weird, on the one hand I like that, on the other our f+ relationship was hell, I never truly liked being around her. Its pretty confusing. Maybe I need to rewire my experience with intimacy with another partner.

The strategy to get the link of a video fast works awfully well..

Men oh men. I have pretty good sleep discipline still. Going to bed at 1pm yesterday but I slept about 11 hours. There is little that habit can do then.

Why is it bad that people are selfish? that people only care about their survival agenda? that they twist reality to fit their needs, that they are opportunistic, that they lie? why is survival "bad" ? Because its a lower form of love

Nice indeed

Although I find it stimulating to help I dont want to be a soil for her to rely on. I can help here and there though. Thats where a professional nearness distance relationship is important.

Forgot to put that in yesterday: Great socializing evening today. I am trying harder again and it shows. I feel more confident/ funny/ energetic. Sat next to a few new people and that was really nice. But oh men some dynamics tear me apart. I have a nice dynamic with two of them. With one I built up some trust. Another I don't know as long but I find her more attractive, she is a bit older (more mature hopefully) and so on. So potentially a better match. They collided a bit today and that sucks. I kind of need to give some direction to it. I was in this situation before and because I didn't choose I didn't take anyone of them, even though I liked them both. And later a friend of mine came late to the social spot. She seemed pretty emotionally unstable. I think I put her at ease though. And this was quite stimulating as well. Later on I think she longed for a bit more. I really would have liked

I finally made it to my body doubling launge again. Something I notice though is that I am always looking directly in the camera when I look at the other people in the launge. The camera decive and the screen on which I see other people body double would need to be seperated. So I would need my laptop to be the camera, or my iPad to use an external camera.

I lacked a lot of energy and confidence today. I also stood up a lot later so my routine was out of balance but still ..