Jannes

The moment felt like this He asked me a question which opened me up emotionally to some of the things I value the most Then he crashed into me and opened up full force about this thing, placing some emotional weight into an emotional space of mine which is important/ sacred kind of It reads weird, like how can I feel bad about someone opening up and getting into tears but I cant help but feel used. Maybe its lack of experience or unwillingness to open up on my end or maybe I read it perfectly.

It kind of makes sense to me that someone would feel emotionally overwhelmed by him. There is an interesting balance, he kind of needed to fight for everything, all the love and got pretty confident in doing so but lacking this natural inner peace and he seems to look for people who have that and are willing to keep up with him because he has survival value.

So my friend told me his gf broke up with him. He wanted to get more close in the relationship but it seemed like to much for her. But she was also never in a real close relationship. I thought he was about to confront me or something but nothing of that sort. Later we ate at the cafeteria, he asked me what my top3 situations were, where I felt most empowered. After I shared some thoughts I asked about his and he told me about the birth of his brother, sister and wish to become a teacher with tears in his eyes. It came out of nowhere. And it didnt really feel natural. I felt pretty overwhelmed and started knitting after a while. Not to long after we drove back.

I like it

Nevermind that is blockable as well.

Oh no, some videos I can still watch when they are embedded. I dont know why. This is super critical, I really want to make not watching videos my default.

A friend of mine just kicked his gf out of 2 whatsapp groups and left a group where she is in himself. Seems like they just broke up. I dont think thats a stretch, but I will get the news anyway She was sexually interested in me and willing to cheat on him but that was months ago. The dopamine fast made it so that I was more willing to connect, to him as well. And he was just on a festival this weekend. And he wanted to talk to me he said a few hours ago and maybe 2 hours later he kicked her out of the groups. He just had a profile pic with her a few days ago, so I thought things would get serious and they would maybe get kids. Holy moly

If spirituality is the opposite of survival but through survival pressure you find strategies to find a partner, it makes so much sense that the best relationships form out of accidents as they were built without so much survival pressure.

I am taking that I got ghosted today pretty lightly. Maybe that wrong. Well I dont know ..

I am blasting my friends with messages. Holy shit, the youtube embedding block really has an affect. .. I just read through a message I got from someone I know about 2 years ago. He basically says he wants to hang out with me and I twist it in a way to make it seem like he needed my help for some kind of work. It doesnt even make sense but I think my mind simply couldnt fathom that I am likeable. Its actually not the first time this happened, it happened plenty of times. Lol I remember when a girl in a very sexual club which I was interested in literally stroke my balls and I just couldnt really make sense of it in that moment. So many moments literally.

One thing that made remote viewing uncomfortable wasnt remote viewing at all, it was just the fact that I needed to be conscious in a low stimulation environement. I am much more comfortable doing remote viewing now. Holy shit how could I live like this all this time ..

Ah okay now it doesnt feel as healthy anymore, was wondering if that was valid. ... It was kind of psychological terror in a way, she kind of ghosted me and then when we worked together loudly called everybody on her phone. And then in her body language she was somestimes super sexual when expressing herself.

A nap with chilling music did it for me. In so many cases I am simply tired and need rest and some distraction from that reality.

I cant think straight. Its a weird mix of tiredness and something else. I would love to indulge in easy dopamin activities really hard now.

I worked with a co-student of mine just now and its exhausting, she is constantly chatting on her phone and I havent slept well. Couldnt think at all. Need a break.

A new insight just hit me. I am a nobody -- in the least self depriving way possible. Or even if I were someone I wouldnt be.

I am fascinated by the ways people can finesse themselves out of a really bad position. I want to find the common patterns accross different activities from sport, fighting, debating, economy, dating, whatever .. so post freely if you have examples.

I am full of rage right now, what the hell. I wonder if numbing myself with easy dopamine surpressed that all this time.

Men I feel toasted. I was out about 5-6 hours yesterday socially yapping my ass off. It was nice but also kind of exhausting.

It could be partially placebo but I really feel like I was acting much more confident then usual. Its really about the reduced free dopamine source. .. I also got more done.

When I loose video games and youtube, its not so easy to answer what I am going to do if I dont have anything to do. So a made a mind map. (watt nu? translates to what now? )

Germany just got kicked out of the WM. I actually feel kinda sad about it which surprises me.

Oh no, I just realized that a good chunk of how I imagine a good life is through the lense of apple products. On a trip I also imagined a good social life through the lense of an IKEA catalogue, so nothing unique about apple.

What is interesting is that the good life that I imagine never has anything to do with mindless consumption, I always imagine myself in a creative process. But then practically that feels too hard. Well ... what does that mean? Is the version I have of myself correct and I simply need to catch up to that practically? Does it mean I need to account for real life?