Jannes

I am kind of in love with the artist girl ... where the hell is this coming from all of the sudden !?

These thoughts didnt originate from nowhere..

Just got a call from my dad about some technical things with his smartphone and stuff but also he wanted to make a point about a talk with my mom I had recently. My mom made pretty clear that my room I have at home will in the mid to long term be changed into another something different, as I dont live there anymore. And I also shouldnt hoard that many clothes there. In a way I felt kind of kicked out, but it also wasnt that bad. I should get kicked out as an act of kindness. I need to find my own path in this world and not having a comfy backup is actually helping me psychologically. So in this way, if it was meant in this way, this is actually an act of kindness. Well my dad kinda reversed the whole thing behind my moms back and said in his opinion of course the room should stay the same so that I always have a nice base to return if I want to. Kind of realized how that also wasnt good for me half in the conversation..

What do trans people think about cis people who dont live after their gender stereotype at all, for example "tomboys" or "femboys" ? In one way they are very similiar to each other, a trans men and a tomboy can both act in traditionally masculine ways, but in another way they are polar opposites to each other. A trans men is not in line with their biological gender while a tomboy is "just because I am a women doesnt mean I have to act feminine". For a trans person biological gender and gender based behaviour seem to be connected, they feel more connected to feminity or masculinity and want to shape their body according to that biological root. For femboys, tomboys the opposite seems to be the case, they dont see a strong link or a link at all about biological gender and gender based behaviour. So I wonder, wouldnt they get on each others nerves? ( And would the person who is cool with the other be the one more aligned with truth? ) If a trans men sees a tomboy who expresses through their behaviour that there isnt a link between gender and behaviour, wouldnt that question the trans person decision to change their biological body, when their biological body is evidently compatible with masculine expression and so wouldnt need harmful surgical and medical interference? ... I think you could make the case that trans people are hyper tomboys and femboys. In society we still see a male and a female differently, give them different attributes. If someone wants to fully embrace the behaviour of the opposite biological gender, they will have a though time finding people who fully treat and integrate them in that way. So a change in looks will make people treat you differently, in a way which that you may prefer more. ... Thoughts of an outsider.

Gosh going to bed this late and having everything be this hot is a trip. Its hard to get my system going.

https://de.pinterest.com/pin/582653270573991719/ https://de.pinterest.com/pin/557531628900522575/ ... Maybe the challenge actually isnt that smart. Short suit trousers are appearently pretty comfy as well.

Table tennis rocks. I have a blast with my new bat. I thought about long nubs for defense looking forward, now I am looking more at two alpha sides, both regular sides with maximum catapult. Will see..

I just read a super old note from 5 years ago. It was in a transformation mastery course from Julien Blanc. What a waste of money back in the day, but I was desperate to get out of my situation. What I can take away from it was how much more physical life was in school. An athletic classmate had automatically more statues and I looked up to them. And also trying to be nice and lovely seemed to be a survival strategy back in the day. Oh men oh men it hurts to read this.. No wonder I went to the gym though and my story is probably as un-unique as it gets.

Yesterday I was really out of flow at my social spot. Well I had this previously quite a lot that when I played a lot of video games I kind of felt like I wasnt really in reality and I had to get back into it. I had to re-actualize myself into reality. Well given that I am not distracting myself a ton ( or so I thought ), I found it weird that this sort of thing happened to me. I got back into reality though and feel much more at ease now.

A list of outfits which include a sport shorts and are still close to reaching a business casual look. I want to wear sport shorts my whole life and still want to look like an adult. https://de.pinterest.com/pin/317503842506379142/ https://de.pinterest.com/pin/70720656645499327/ https://de.pinterest.com/pin/8725793025874781/ https://de.pinterest.com/pin/928445279447642351/ ... Quite a short list, there are few actually good outfits which nail the look I am looking for.

Today I realized, I want to be a more productive member of society. I mean I am working towards it, but I would like to work already and make some income or at least feel like I am doing that. I dont feel like I am really good at something atm.

Fashion is pretty neurotic for me, especially because I dont have the money and am bad at decision making. Just coming to terms that I am not super stylish would probably give me much more peace of mind .. but then sometimes I feel this strong itch to also have a cool outfit ...

I woke up again without any sexual thoughts today. Its weird, a few weeks ago I had it evry day and then it suddenly stopped. I think the day it stopped was after the elvanse day, but you would expect things to get back to neutral .. Its either that my mind is used to lower stimulation and isnt searching so much anymore for a kick or ... I found alternatives again. I am searching up a lot about Super Mario and getting some decent stimulation out of that ... But on a socializing base I dont feel like my confidence dropped .. huh, hard to make sense of it then

Whats weird is that I opened up so much socially the last couple of weeks and now I kind of want to retreat into my shell. Maybe its an ego backlash. Have I already mentioned that insight?

Men Sadghuru once recommended recording yourself throughout the day to truly become conscious of how much dumb shit you do throughout the day. I was always scared of that, probably because it was to potent.

New tools for my RV practice. I should record myself doing the practice. That can show me when I am more in myself vs when I am out my myself. I can also draw letters beautifully to get into focus. I can talk to the piece of paper or to the point or whatever I focus on. ... And he gave me an okay for the festival to take a break from RV.

Mama mia! Would have loved to see how she evolved from Ivysaur to Venusaur

Had a weird dream where I played some kind of ball sport with old classmates in the school context. I did very poorly and embarassed myself. Half the time I was playing without a shorts which I put on while playing because I was in such a rush. Then I just layed there to recharge and noticed that I did so poorly because I was under such constant stress. And I thought about the parallel to my current situation with the old theatre club and the social spot...

When I went to sleep yesterday I became conscious how uncomfortable I felt living this experience in my body. And so I put a lot of attention to it to accept that I cant excape my meatsuit right now and to be fully here. That actually put me in a lot of ease. That I even became so conscious to notice that and be willing and peaceful enough to embrace the present moment was very good. ... I feel a bit off in the recent days, not sure what it is.. maybe I am processing a lot idk ... I remember feeling pretty good just one or two weeks ago, that faded a bit for no appearent reason. Maybe it has to do with not having a clear direction of how to connect romantically with someone ...

https://www.actualized.org/insights/ram-dass-if-you-win-you-lose The moment I convinced everyone in my old theatre club I loose because there will be such a comfortable survival fortress that I wont be able to look past it, I will foster that fortress and that will entrap me. Not having a survival fortress sucks as well though ...

I want to get back to the gym again simply because it simply seems like the best pick up place atm if you got the balls. But something I need to figure out about myself is that it seems like I enjoy pick up or lets say the process of finding someone more enjoyable or am more comfortable with that process then actually connecting with someone. Because I kind of got options in my PMs already. I always got explanations for why she isnt the one atm but do I fool myself about this perhaps?

Feel better today but I kind of need to continue the grind if I want to stay on schedule. This is just 1 of 5 modules I want to finish this semester.

Yesterdays note: I think it just feels so weird to go outside because of doing my university work by myself for two days. That's not good. I need to get back into the daylight.

I never thought about which video game character I would dress if I had the chance. I find the idea of dressing as an unimportant character more interesting then dressing as a main character. Like how its way cooler to drive as the cow or gumba in mario kart as it is to drive as mario or joshi..