Jannes

Ah okay now it doesnt feel as healthy anymore, was wondering if that was valid. ... It was kind of psychological terror in a way, she kind of ghosted me and then when we worked together loudly called everybody on her phone. And then in her body language she was somestimes super sexual when expressing herself.

A nap with chilling music did it for me. In so many cases I am simply tired and need rest and some distraction from that reality.

I cant think straight. Its a weird mix of tiredness and something else. I would love to indulge in easy dopamin activities really hard now.

I worked with a co-student of mine just now and its exhausting, she is constantly chatting on her phone and I havent slept well. Couldnt think at all. Need a break.

A new insight just hit me. I am a nobody -- in the least self depriving way possible. Or even if I were someone I wouldnt be.

I am fascinated by the ways people can finesse themselves out of a really bad position. I want to find the common patterns accross different activities from sport, fighting, debating, economy, dating, whatever .. so post freely if you have examples.

I am full of rage right now, what the hell. I wonder if numbing myself with easy dopamine surpressed that all this time.

Men I feel toasted. I was out about 5-6 hours yesterday socially yapping my ass off. It was nice but also kind of exhausting.

It could be partially placebo but I really feel like I was acting much more confident then usual. Its really about the reduced free dopamine source. .. I also got more done.

When I loose video games and youtube, its not so easy to answer what I am going to do if I dont have anything to do. So a made a mind map. (watt nu? translates to what now? )

Germany just got kicked out of the WM. I actually feel kinda sad about it which surprises me.

Oh no, I just realized that a good chunk of how I imagine a good life is through the lense of apple products. On a trip I also imagined a good social life through the lense of an IKEA catalogue, so nothing unique about apple.

What is interesting is that the good life that I imagine never has anything to do with mindless consumption, I always imagine myself in a creative process. But then practically that feels too hard. Well ... what does that mean? Is the version I have of myself correct and I simply need to catch up to that practically? Does it mean I need to account for real life?

Completly blocking embedded videos makes a huge difference holy shit. Its really weird atm, I am so used to mindlessly consuming stuff that I have little strategies on what to actually do when everything is blocked. I also noticed that I seem more quick in my thinking and more confident. When free dopamine isnt available you are more willing to get it elsewhere. Like when your brain thinks you are doing survival when playing video games easy peasy then why would it pour resources into socializing which is risky. I noticed this before as well when I quit video games and its interesting that it also works when I block youtube.

Gold

wtf !?!? I am doing this for almost a year now with appearently close to no results.

Went out and socialized a bit. Gosh I feel so much better now, I really need more socializing/ I need to recognize more if there is a lack thereoff.

I like these ones https://www.hottopic.com/product/the-amazing-digital-circus-caine-dark-wash-t-shirt/34210798.html https://www.hottopic.com/product/the-amazing-digital-circus-pomni-glitter-t-shirt/34210797.html

Tees for mentally ill people https://www.hottopic.com/guys/tees/?start=160&sz=32

Jaaaayyy I did something productive !!

If everything works out I can put 39 credits of my old math studying into my new degree. This way I would have the option to do some math teaching if I want to.

I am wondering if I prefer people to sleep with I dont have feelings for because I am scared of actual intimacy.

If freezing to death is muss less painful then burning to death, the ability to think that while you are in the freezing cold is ... intelligent/ abstract?

Okay lets simplify: goal of today is to get into a body doubling call and regulate myself.