Jannes

Aight, last sprint of today

Why does understanding feel good? I have never really tried to understand that.

There are videos for it. Downloading one right now.

I feel pretty toasted. Worked for about idk 6 to 10 hours today. Definitely worked straight for the last 4 hours just now. I dont know what the right strategy for motivation and energy conservation is. I definitely need breaks but when and how?

I have no energy today, getting tired towards the end of the marathon. The best thing would be a complete deload day with no medication and nothing intellectual to do and an epic 10 hour sleep but now I gotta push through.

The more you tell yourself that you are a good person, the more meat you have to shock absorb when reality hits you with the revelation that you arent actually a good person.

That being said I watched a video on how to execute a chop block though which was quite informative.

I dont need an accountability partner atm, I am very productive. But watching on my phone numbs my mind.

Yeah so I watche for about an hour on my phone. Seems like I need to develop new strategies, this is going into a bad directoion. It needed to happen at some point. Huh, bad times can bring you forward but too disciplined times can also get you into a fallback.

Hehe, a snap just when he got revange on truls moregardh who dared to defeat him in an earlier match.

Same energy Cool now I am a fan of the world number 1. How original ...

Wang Chquin is like an angry ape. Because of the chinese rubbers he needs to do giant fast sweeps to hit the ball hard. And his unique weaknesses is that he cant control his emotions lol. Its so cool to see his game, my shoulder hurts a little doing so though. My body is quite robust when it comes to injuries but my shoulder always suffers a bit when I play a lot.

I opened a table tennis video on my phone yesterday and feel how a jam is getting some holes which is the beginning of the end. I blocked youtube on my phone but I dont think I can easily block videos from a random blog. And it felt so good to watch NOOOO. It was a video highliting hte best momets from a match of Wang chuquin. It was so useful to see his chinese and also motivating. This is a though spot. What I learned though is that sometimes a temporary setback can give room for a new uprise. Not sure if it counts when I have this in mind beforehand though.

Goddammit, nobody is in the guided group anymore so I got out as well but now my sheep mode is broken. I need someone to tell me to be productive.

I need to eat more. The medication surpresses my appetite but I need carbs to think properly so I gotta remind myself to eat.

I feel like at least half of the reasoning of my old. theatre club leader to not respond was for PR reasons. It could explain his neutralness in his response or his willingness to only talk to me when I am staying part of the old theatre club. PR control is something I picked up on quite late.

Well wht I have to keep in mind is, you are not just born with a certain physical body but also with a certain psychology. Like what you are sexually attracted to. And maybe also how you feel about yourself in terms of gender. How deep is that illusion I wonder.

That my package with the table tennis blad takes more then a week to arrive is though. I am checking everyday what the satus is. But given that I cant really play this week anyway it might even be for the better.

I think I just fundamentally havent come to a conclusion about what I think about trans people. You are born with specific physical traits and changing them through surgery is costing resources and impacts your health negatively. Thats a fact. That people treat you differently because of your physical appearence and that there is a difference between soft dude phenomenological experience and women phenomenological experience is also a fact. Well I throw the word fact around a lot to get some stability in my thinking.

The trans friend of mine just posted her status on WhatsApp that the health insurance is gonna pay for her genital operation. She is getting her dick cut off. Does it make me (behing my open minded and good willed persona) uncomfortable ? Idk

Its like moment wher closeness is in the air, panic, oh the table tennis round is open lets go.

There were many situations today where closeness could have been built and I ran away from it every time. I cant get anyone near me easily at all.

What a shitty time at the social spot. My nervous system was. completly overwhelmed, when I took some breaks to go outside it was heavenly. Could have stayed out the whole time when I think about it. My confidence was pretty high though which is nice.

Found a new RV group. It is tacted in 25min working blocks with 5mins break in between. Its psychologically very relaxing, you just need to go sheep mode. I was very productive but men am I toasted right now, I hope I an keep my cognitive performance up for the coming days. Now I play a little well deserved table tennis.