Jannes

The hot girl wrote me back that she is still there!!! I didn't check properly. Well I could tell her that I am getting hungry and we could meet to get a snack. The party should be over any minute now. Why the hell is my mind working so sharply when I just want to get to sleep..

After carefully selecting my outfit so I wouldn't look like a afd voter I got to the place at around 3 am. The floor was only open for about 30 more mins and my friend was already gone. What a waste of time. Although the spot is cool. I didn't stay there for longer then a minute but I will keep the place in mind for the future.

The adhd mind can grow till you are 30 in the decision making region. Thank god

Okay so she writes it's cool there, the music is good. I don't feel the dancing part. The thing is that she kinda wanted to cheat with me on multiple occasions. That I am cool with her pretty much hurts my integrity. Well the only reason I would go is because of her friend. Which could be a lure. When I flirted with another girl before her she didn't seem cool with it so there is little reason to believe that she brought her friend for me. too much thinking

I needed an hour to transform my inner state lol. From enjoying swimming in my inner pain and sorrow to going into fight mode.

That's never how it's going for me, I usually stay the whole night then and that means I am fucked up for tomorrow. And it signals I am needy when I jump at the first opportunity. (to the girl) I wrote her and asked how it's going atm. No reply after 10 mins yet, will see.

If somehow all the girls know each other and she is now interested cause the other girl makes that WhatsApp pic I am going mad. I haven't decided on anything yet but I am becoming increasingly sleepy. It's probably dumb to pass this chance.

I feel a lot of emotions right. I kinda want to coil in and sleep. A friend of mine just told me she was going to a party evening. I am not feeling it at all. Now she says she is bringing a friend with her which I want to bang and who probably has the same interest. This is such an awkward energy shift. I really committed to being a sad fuck right now, what the hell men. I don't know what to do.

So the other thing.. A letter arrived. .. It almost seems like a blue and red pill are presented to me now.

I dont really know what to make out of it.

Couple of important things are going on right now. For one, a member of the old theatre club changed her WhatsApp picture a few days ago. Its pretty hilarious, she has a bloody nose and a nipper in her hand. Basically someone who goes crazy for love in over the top anime style. Next to her another girl from the old theatre club holding up a nub as one of her eyes. I have seen the outfit of the second ones a couple of times. And the message was pretty clear. She was very toxic to me and I was so emotionally unstable that I was kinda helples. At one point when she did make up she was like I could clock off your eye so easily.. Well, when I left the theatre club without saying goodbye, maybe there was some internal pushback and that was a good low milestone to symbolically express that she was sorry. In this way another girl also expressed some of it. And now this .. my anger dates back years ago towards her but thats symbolically such a big commitment.

Thats a mythical fantasy that never was. Nature is a piece of shit. That we survived till today doesnt mean me thrived. We could have just barely scraped by. That is not to say all modern inventions are good, there is plenty of shit in the foods industry.

I feel like shit, low energy and anxiety to leave the house. Not sure where it is from actually. I made so much social progress last week that its pretty humbling to crash like that, I thought I was going through the roof in the weeks to come. I think it is a combination of needing rest, the situation with the girl I have romantic interest in, a ton of Netflix yesterday and that I hid away yesterday because of my skin treatment which triggered lots of old patterns of insecurity of when I had very bad skin.. maybe I am going through the roof at some point after all.

NO, I didnt listen to anyone, I paid for an omega3 test before the experiment and after the experiment to see if very large omega3 intake of plants convert into enough EPA and DHA and they dont, my levels were to low despite optimizing everything. I consumed like 10-20g of flax seed fat every day. You loosen scientific authority where it doesnt fit your worldview. When it fits your worldview its suddenly valid science.

I have it in roller coasters. Whenever it goes down very fast. I dont fear anything intellectually but my anus goes crazy. Or my root chakra. Something like this.

"Where in the devils mind are you?"

Plant omega 3 doesnt have EPA and DHA, it needs to be converted first. And the conversion is really bad. I tried it. For a long time span I had a perfect 1 to 1 omega 3 to omega 6 ratio which I archieved with lots of flax seed and flax seed oil. Did a test for omega 3 and I very low on EPA and DHA. That needs to be supplemented.

I dreamed about an old friend of mine today. I think my current social progress triggers me a lot. This reminds me a lot of when I was thinking about my progress in the gym. There were so many phases which didnt really do shit for me and so I had a very though time to quantify when progress even happened and for how long. Its the same with socializing, so many shitty phases with kinda progress, steps back and forth and so on. I probably learned a lot even when things went shitty. I think much of the progress would show if I was simly more healed and confident.

One thing that may have happened with the old theatre club was that I overreacted a bit when I completly broke the connection, but because I did that I feel like I need to now believe how shitty it was there otherwise it wouldnt make sense why I acted so strongly. Its been so long. I kind of know how its like there but also not at all. I would enter the whole thing as a changed person and I didnt want to take the change they could have given me.

Just watched two episodes of Rick & Morty and whats really fascinating is that my mind just sorta tanked it, I am still pretty in the moment. I dont even really know what I did to get here.

Wow the posts are 8 hours apart. I really do spent a lot of time at my social spots.

I didn't feel good at my social spot at all today. It reflected even at my table tennis performance, I played a lot worse. I think its all just because of the girl, I underestimate routinely how much I actually want/ need a girlfriend. I ended up knitting for most of the time. Another girl I previously kinda rejected even looked so much more interesting then before. She was showing some skin with her top. She is super skinny (not unhealthily so) and somehow this was the first evening I found that attractive. But hard to paddle back to her. Then later she actually showed up. Quick hello in a turn and no hug. The language seemed pretty clear. But then we played some board games in the group again. Another female friend of mine was randomly at the spot also and we shared a quick conversation. She does look good and it gave me a short boost. Bad in this context perhaps though. .. What I find interesting, people around me are often hugging, not hugging people around them depending on what the situation asks for. I feel very bound to the rules but when I see it with other people, I don't really care. I don't mind if they change the rules. I have more freedom in that respect then I allow myself. I think the most important thing is that it is genuine. Rather a genuine fist bump then a half hearted hug.

Yesterday I was looking forward to socialize the whole day but then an hour before I got pretty scared. Its similiar right now, I was hyped to go out and now I am pretty scared again.

Game is though to learn .. have you ever talked to girls?

Ahaha, maybe a handful.