Jannes

Hmm Mango Soy Joghurt with Protein milk make for somewhat of a Lassi.

I am so tired. Am half done with one project. I am actually kind of motivated to do more but I think I need some rest.

Maybe I should run to places and that let it go when I am there..

I am functional but not really happy on adhd medication. I feel like I am constantly on the run.

She just ate a banana, I cant ...

I have giant dark circles around my eyes, people will probably tell me I look worked up.

God she is hot. Wearing just a white shirt with underwear. And my camera doesnt reveal when I look into the rv lounge.. which was originally inended to reduce akwardness which is a tiny bit creepy but in this scenario makes it a lot more creepy. Hmm I wonder if she ever gets the feeling that she is uninteresting when I seem to look away all the time. I am the only other person in the launge who has a turned on camera. At least that makes me uncreepy. I wish there was an obligation to turn on your camera.

I am still thinking about the old theatre club like every single day. And it makes me feel hurt and angry every time. Gosh I feel like I need a romance to wash it all away.

Got an artist in my RV group right now. Cant tell if she is feeling herself or if she is pretending to feel herself. Mmmh what a negative tone of mine..

Cutting hair from the middle of my head looks good though, an improvement for sure. The big thing is the pony, which is hard to style ofc. Lol even 10 years back I had a bad pony. I wanted a kind of cool look which looked like I didnt put much effort in. Well I succeeded in the second part. Going to the hairdresser will be a treat. I need to find a new one though and tell them that I need inspiration for cutting my own hair which I dont know how it will be perceived...

I started to tune into Headspace for a change, they got nice beats to focus to, better then my chill music. Although that right now could be a little better.

Oh men, the medication pushes me so much, its very bad for sleep and recovering. Could get much sleep tonight, I woke up after 4 hours and with medication it wont get better.

In a district in germany a far right party has probably won and will govern that district which is historic as it didnt happen since 1945 I think. Fuck me. In the podcast that covered it the women had such a put on or maybe put on sad/ suffering voice.

I am in a bit of a crisis. Because I see myself now everyday in the RV group I become awfull aware of my bad haircut. Yes its actually a bad haircut damnit. I need to get to the hairdresser again and learn some skills. I just thought myself that I need to cut the hair in the middle of the head otherwise those hairs will just fall randomly to the sides, I dont need them for a pony.

Frank Yang playing table tennis lolz The weird intense view match

Oh no, I want to watch more table tennis video now. I opened a bag of chips..

For some reasons I just remember moments of violence in my life, particularily from an old boxing club I went to. The leader there made a group punishment in accidently kicked me in the liver. Well I think it was an accident at least. But I feel on the floor like a dead fish gasping. I pushed through minute or so later. Another time we were "hardening each other up", giving each other slaps in the face. I had a partner who really enjoyed the shit out of it. I didnt get it and didnt do a much which didnt stop him though. In the end he even had a bit of blood on this had from all the slaps which got through the skin. But I just pushed through the training session. It was the last time I ever went there though. Men I feel so dumb looking back. I could have just went away. Especially for the second one, the peer pressure on the second one was probably really strong. What kept me was my masculine ideal, here I say it THE PATRIACHY!! Smoartening up from all the university stuff I am doing atm lol.

One thing I completly forgot is that I am comming from west germany and now live in east germany. East germany is not as developed as west germany. So that makes me less aware of the current state of develoment in my local area and other people also less aware about my development. When I dont make my development clear, which I am unlikely to do because I havent yet realized that it can lead to miscommunication, some of the points I make can seem like they are from a less developed state. I might imply some basic knowledge on some things which are still contested where I am. Maybe I am overinterprating some things here, but this basic dynamic exist to some extend, I just have no idea how much.

I hink I need to get outside for the last hour of so with sunlight. Would feel really unhealthy not to.

The gym is a great place to be. Yesterday I felt my central nervous system being overwhelmed a couple of times as I havent trained as much as I used to. But there are always some kind of hot girls there. I still bothers me that the one time I chatted up this one girl I havent followed t up with a second girl there who was super hot and kind of looked at me invitational. I thought I should be a gentlemen, taling up the next girl a few minutes in between would loose me status points. Well not totally wrong but also I just turned it into a truth in the heat (and fear) of the moment.

What is interesting, the last couple of days I was pretty happy on my own. Yesterday night as well. I only became unhappy when I felt the need to share those jokes on WhatsApp. They could have been my own source of happiness but I shared them and didnt get anything back. Well I also shared them with the girl I was/ am dating atm to keep us warm.

I feel like I am in a suttle stream of shame the last couple of days. The WhatsApp message to the whole group is one part of it. It triggers a ton of shame for some reason. And posting that to like 6 Whats App friends I know also triggers a bunch of shame. I think what I have to do is distinguish between triggers from my past and whats actually going on.

The game actually wasnt that entertaining even though its recommended as one of the best matches to watch.

Downloaded the video and watched the whole thing even though today is dedicated university work. Feel like I stufed myself with the reward before doing the work.. well I dont really do rewards, I feel like they dont really work with on me.