Jannes

With my ex F+ I had so many talks and she never respected what I said. I havent taken into consideration how much this might have hurt my confidence to the degree that I probably should have.

I sent her a voice message and I fucking hate it. Really put everything into making it not uncomfortable. I am so so conflict avoidant but I need to overcome this, this is KEY.

Living through the day without medication is so interesting. At impro I really didnt feel like I was in my power but it went okay. Same with chatting today, I just couldnt initiate anything pretty much. Later I went to a play evening. At one moment one of the girls I am friends with put her head on my shoulder which felt like a complete violation of my boundaries. And with that the whole evening which was pretty cool turned grim. What the hell am I tolerating, Fuck her. It wasnt the first time. No wonder I feel so akward when I tolerate shit like this all the time. Well pretty much all my contacts involve some kind of overstepping of boundaries. In contrast the chatter with my impro friends seemed like the opposite in comparison which is maybe why I conceived it as an overstepping of boundaries in the first place. I dont want to make it akward with a long message or anything, but I have to do something now or else I am taking this feeling to bed and wont do anything in the future.

RV without medication is like hell. What the hell is my mind doing, its literally a circus in there as soon as I start to just focus and stop thoughts. I literally thought about stopping because it just didnt seem possible but then I decided to try a different approach of not waiting too long until my mind goes nuts which actually stopped it from going circus mode. Got some hits today but it could easily be luck. Also I notice that I am paying the price afterwards of indulging in high stimulating music like this:

Both of my seminars have been cancelled today and I was just wondering what to do today instead when this drops.

Actually got through my RV session just because its a bit routinelike. The results were bad. Notes: Yo, I am farming deep unique positive emotions, those you would live and die for. Well I strave them as my awareness goes by. I get them in daydreams as well but usually one, I just got 3 unique ones. My adhd emotional body stretches out. I thought, in the moment I would say target, the essence would reveal itself, but maybe no, maybe just a moment afterwards. My consciousness is closing when calling for the essence, not opening. How do i notice this only without medication? // well this que didnt help with the results either. SHIT

Coming off medication is insane, its feel pretty trippy and peaceful though. I dont think I can get much done but I would be a great bf in this state. Even managing the traffic was difficult, I strictly followed the rules to not be.. even finishing a sentence is difficult. Thought about my old theatre club as well, I opened more up to the idea of going there again which is to be expected as the medications helped me with building boundaries, so without these boundaries arent as strong anymore. However I dont really have an emotional path into it, the people I am most used to I hate the most basically.

@Zest4Life I think you raise a good nuanced point about what rising over evil entails, which is not falling into traps. .. Everyone thinks of themselves as good as not evil. The mind can be used to question oneself but moreso to justify oneself. Its more about the attitude and what you value which determines if the sophisticated defense of ones behaviour is leading somewhere devilish or not. .. I would add yet another layer of geopolitcs into the mix as you can get insights there as well. The more egoish a country is, the more backlash it will get and the more it needs to defend itself. The US is an example of a country which would need less military if it would act more morally. But also countries without much self defensives capabilites will be eaten alive. Its about being as devilish as you need to be and as little devilish as you can be.

I dont take my medication today, today is a day to refresh. I already loose a lot of focus. And likely the ability to assert myself. But also my ability to love out there things increases.

I was dreaming pretty intensiley about my old theatre club again. I dont have long term relationship breakups as a reference but you could maybe make a comparison. Or I will still grief about it in 10 years or so.

I was about to skip my RV session today. I already pre worked one session and was so tired after that day, it would have been fine. But I feel like how this routine is already ingrained in me and didnt want to weaken it so I did it anyway. Well the results were shit. I need advice.

I thought about the picture of a very thin women pouring over with love for something. Love is much more beautiful in the right contrast. I dont think I had exactly this in my mind, but it let to it, the picture of a really thin person sharing their food is beautiful. I could list a bunch of pictures of a person sharing their food, from fattest to most thin like different notes on a piano but the notes express the beauty of selflessness. Of course a person sharing food is just on possibility.

Had a walk to the supermarket to buy some sweetener. I am really not lazy, its just my adhd chemistry. The walk got me thinking a bit. Everything worthwhile needs spirit. There is no real winning when you beat somebody. I am happy I didnt just leave the old theatre club outright but showed a gesture of interest. Just hating them would have left me so empty.

I want to create a piece of art which captures the paradox of how ridiciously twisted human love is but also that it is so so true from a certain POV.

But all of these status games just feel so immature. Dont I know my value?

And its not like I wouldnt have anybody. There are genuinely people interested to be friends with me, even with all the quirks.

Yesterday after I left the social spot I came in contact with my inner sense of social hurt. I said goodbye to a few people and in that moment when they wished me goodbye I had this sense of hurt. I cant really tell what it is, but I guess the moment of saying goodbye is a moment of some apparentness. Well it can be faked as well. I dont know but somehow this moment really clearly opened me up and showed me how small I feel and how much emotional pain there is.

What am I even searching for in the social domain? Well special people I feel something for I guess. Is that even realistic though?

When I hooked up witht he girl two weeks ago I invested so much emotionally. Even though it didnt lead to something, I at least was in the right mindstate for some time.

The people I feel drawn to I dont feel worthy for and the people I feel worthy for wont give me the support to overtake them.

I needed that group theraphy place.

Did paintball today and it wasnt fun. I took it super serious and I couldnt be fun about it. I threw myself on the ground in so many creative ways. Its a dumb sport, when I was winning though it felt therapeutic. In the end my rage spilled over into a bit of fun. Its not that I feel super lonely but pretty lonely. After socializing for so many days in the week wouldnt it be natural to be in a social state. Well I dont have that much social anxiety but its not like I really enjoy being social. There is something I do fundamentally wrong. Its that I dont have anyone I actually want to deepen a connection with I think. Its just soulless social chatter. I felt a bit of a spark with the artist girl but first she is in a relationship (even though she already showed interest and would maybe break up with his bf) and has so many psychological problems. But I sometimes see myself having thoughts with her in mind. I also feel strong emotional afterpain from the old theatre club. I cant really face it. I had such strong problems with opening up to people since my whole life so such a huge regress is especially painful. I dont know what to do. I need rest.

I just remember what I great phase I had in which I spit out all my struggles about the old theatre club. How much that freed me. Well thats what I need again I guess. I dont really know what it is missing atm, but I think its authenticity. I am trapped into so many social games.