Jannes

Men my blocker just doesnt work as intended anymore. I get way more stimulation, or my mind finds ways to get stimulation out of random things like chatting with chatgpt, googling football players, what have you .. In the beginning I was just doing podcast which felt way way healthier. While the content is different, I am basically back, very neurotically looking for stimulation. I am way less at ease in the current moment. I thought I got to a milestone but now it feels like a small to moderate improvement. I have to be honest though, blocking video games back in the day did have a lasting impact on me, the lesser stimulative things did unnumb my mind quite a bit. ... I want to understand the mess I am in right now -- What exactly is the pattern here? Well the pattern here is that I learned to regulate/ stimulate myself online and this pattern is well planted and evolves and adapts to new structures. So maybe organically it will switch to different things as I get less stimulation out of googling things online, but I fear that it will find new ways. Either way being proactive about it seems like a good idea, because I am suffering quite a bit from searching for things online to get the dopamine hit I remember getting but always falling short. Like a mouse that is conditioned to get cheese from doing a certain behaviour... how do those experiments work again exactly? Anyway I think a hurdle to listen to a podcast instead is that its quite a commitment, like you dont immediately get what you want, or you dont know what you get.. Maybe I should also do a general internet block at least before my RV practice.

In my mind I just rearticulated my LP a bit. Basically what I want to do is bring people closer to spiritual truths, especially those who are hard to digest in the face of though and unforgiving survival realities -- make God transparent through all the shitty surfaces. So first I have to actually make my spritual experiences to convey them to other people and second it needs to be done in very artistic ways. What I would also love to do and currently have thoughts about are short video clips of movie scenes. Compeltly random things, from comedy, drama, action movies .. I could work on them and maybe built a base to later make them more spiritual.

... Well maybe I need more time to knit and stitch. Already wanted to do that yesterday but was too tired after all that table tennis action.

I have to say, I was a lot more at ease just a few days ago. I dont know what happened. Either current situations in my life triggered me or I already found ways to bypass my youtube block. I was googling the best table tennis players just now so yeah, maybe I already found away to bypass. The next level would probably be an internet block.

Men the new table tennis racket goes nuts. I played for about 6-7 hours today with little breaks. If I like something, I can go nonstop without rest.

Yesterday was such a fun 2 v 2 table tennis tournament game. We had the top 2 players who play professionally with both a girl who was low to mid level.

Yesterday at my social spot was intense. My super strong interest to bond with someone and socialize as much as possible vanished a bit, likely because its easier for me to deal with less stimulation now. I became more aware and more .. steadfast in some situations. For example there was one situation where a girl I knew and a dude went to the social spot and were only 100 meters away. I drove by them waving, but I could of handled it more smoothy by stopping, hugging her, greeting him and then going the rest with them. A minor misscalculation. But then later I realized how she made some kind of sexual gesture towards a fuckboy-ish dude (which I shouldnt notice) likely ... I am overthinking this lol. Point was I realized that I wasnt acting confidently, lost status because of it and sexual market value and didnt hide away from it but faced it because I couldnt get away with easy dopamine. .. Another situation also bugged me a little. I chit chatted and kinda flirted with this one girl last time and she made it pretty obvious that she was sexually interested with a pretty intimate hug. This time I saw and greeted her again, even though we were in a group we talked 1 on 1 and she really made room for me to ask for her number or something which I didnt do and so she said we will see each other next time. Not sure what it was, I dont really know what I want I think. Its problematic partially because she is in a friend groups with a girl I like more but because I like her friend more but am not sure about a relationship thats stopping me a bit. Also I dont really feel good about casual sex with her .. I just dont, but that only comes from direct experience. Just came out of a long phase of no sexual interest and am starting to make the same mistake again. If you dont learn from your mistakes you make them again.

I just remember, I used to play this game a lot back in the day as a teenager. What a psychopathic thing to do although I would probably still play it. I remember it being much more bloody then what the picture suggests.

I think its interesting when a creative idea really comes to light. What is it that makes an idea just click for so many people. Of course some of it is conforming hype but not all.

Appearently the productivity gain from a large monitor is very measurable. 10% to 40% more productivity on a large screen.

The monitor is actually pretty cheap. Its like 150 euros new. A good table tennis racket costs about that much. Crazy world.

Buying a cable tomorrow, then I can put my Mac down and use my old keyboard and mouse on the full screen. Its an experiment. Potentially I can built a new structure this way, maybe force myself to only work at my desk or something like this. A big screen is comfy.. ... which might not be a good thing ..

I never thought about the idea to connect my old gaming monitor with my Mac. But I just did it. Men its like 3 times the size at least. Not sure how I feel about it, but for long university tasks its probably superior.

Wrote my friend a pretty long message about how I thought about his psychology atm. That feels good, thats something I used to do more often. Its part of my personality to do that.

If you follow the tracks of survival, situations usually make sense If something which goes completly against the grain of survival happens, that point will create colladeral confusion

Discord There are a bunch of services which offer online body doubling, some in small groups, some 1 on 1 with different pricing. I like discord because its free

Men I feel SO DRAINED Trying to motivate myself the whole day but it just doesnt work. A mix of sadness and lethargicness. At least I made it to my body doubling group.

Being constantly overstimulated and therefore not that interested in human business had it perks. I am more involved with other people now and in touch with their bullshit.

The moment felt like this He asked me a question which opened me up emotionally to some of the things I value the most Then he crashed into me and opened up full force about this thing, placing some emotional weight into an emotional space of mine which is important/ sacred kind of It reads weird, like how can I feel bad about someone opening up and getting into tears but I cant help but feel used. Maybe its lack of experience or unwillingness to open up on my end or maybe I read it perfectly.

It kind of makes sense to me that someone would feel emotionally overwhelmed by him. There is an interesting balance, he kind of needed to fight for everything, all the love and got pretty confident in doing so but lacking this natural inner peace and he seems to look for people who have that and are willing to keep up with him because he has survival value.

So my friend told me his gf broke up with him. He wanted to get more close in the relationship but it seemed like to much for her. But she was also never in a real close relationship. I thought he was about to confront me or something but nothing of that sort. Later we ate at the cafeteria, he asked me what my top3 situations were, where I felt most empowered. After I shared some thoughts I asked about his and he told me about the birth of his brother, sister and wish to become a teacher with tears in his eyes. It came out of nowhere. And it didnt really feel natural. I felt pretty overwhelmed and started knitting after a while. Not to long after we drove back.

I like it

Nevermind that is blockable as well.

Oh no, some videos I can still watch when they are embedded. I dont know why. This is super critical, I really want to make not watching videos my default.

A friend of mine just kicked his gf out of 2 whatsapp groups and left a group where she is in himself. Seems like they just broke up. I dont think thats a stretch, but I will get the news anyway She was sexually interested in me and willing to cheat on him but that was months ago. The dopamine fast made it so that I was more willing to connect, to him as well. And he was just on a festival this weekend. And he wanted to talk to me he said a few hours ago and maybe 2 hours later he kicked her out of the groups. He just had a profile pic with her a few days ago, so I thought things would get serious and they would maybe get kids. Holy moly