Jannes

If you play these games and you overcome the thirst you wont enjoy the sex as much afterwards.

The dynamic with her bf is interesting. One time he made the comment that as a white men its weird to speak of surpression. So obviously a leftie but I feel the whole rhetoric is so sub and conform. And at another point she kind of bullied him, saying that he is so funny in a sarcastic and even a bit offensive way. So she seems to be in control. When I first talked to her thats also the role she seemed to play. Well.. the reality seems to be that I have a weakness for that kind of people or at least sexual attraction.

I was a bit sceptical at first, but oh, did that mixup feel good. I was there with a few friends I know closer though. At one point one said that he really appreciates me for being dead honest and authentic to which another one agreed to. Good to get that feedback. Knew another girl from chit chatting before as well. Gosh, I dont know what it is, but I feel super attracted to her. I kind of have a sexual blockade but with her I would do it right away. She has a bf though. She seems authentically interested though, also giving off a few subtle signs with the most obvious one asking me if I want the last gulp of her grapefruit beer as she couldnt finish it. I have to be careful to not drive into the next mess right away -- unless she is poly or something.

Going to a house party now. Its good that I breath some fresh air after being in the same socializing routine for weeks now.

If I would just be able to control myself without medication I would really reach incredible heights.

There was a situation with another girl at the social club which whom I flirted to much basically and I feared I couldnt create a boundary. I feel like the last time she naturally got it. When I dont spread my awareness and flirting all over the place but in a controlled manner with the help of medication everything is clear.

I didnt think about my old friend at all for the last week, Wow. Medication really is a survival button, filtering only what is important for survival for me now. In a sense I always wanted to have that voice, even without medication, but not necessarily step into its shoes.

I like this piece of art.

I am posting the bulk of my posts in the self actualization journals - section nowadays. It allows me to express myself, so I dont look for it in other sections where it derails the topic.

I am proud of myself for following through though. Its not an easy thing to learn and I was in the mood of quitting right away. I consciously reshaped an old pattern to a certain extend which is bonus work. Maybe at some point I do 2 sessions a day, but for now just stabilizing a once a day routine seems more important.

My mind/ ego is starting how remote viewing works. I need to admit to myself that I dont know, given my poor performance. I got about 0-1 things correct from about 10 today. I hope that at some point this clicks.

I felt pretty good and fresh at the beginning of my RV session today. But that didnt translate to any success. Some notes: I really havent thought about RV as a way to make money until this session now. Thats maybe not so good because that intention can cloud my vision and make the learning process, which needs to come from a place of intrinsic motivation, a lot harder. It is very difficult to not view with the ego. I just had a 2min battle of basically trying to shot the arrow while aiming but I felt my aim always trying to come before me. I need to force my ego to give up when viewing. When I dont do that and I had other attempts after that I dont view anything. Maybe I have to become moral authority. When nobody else gets it. I remember back in the day when I did that I randomly made a good friend. But thats a trap of course, identifying as someone moral. When I dont speak about it I dont feel like I have it, when I speak about it I forgot that I had it. How do I escape that paradox? When I put my attention outside (while RV) then this automatically makes it easier to disconnect from my ego -- as my trainer said.

Good for you! I am just sceptical when I hear someone say they are above basic human needs, but if thats authentic to you then thats great.

You are on point with that. But it sounds depressing, your articulation is rather nihilistic as well. You rejected the illusion but with it many possibilites of the dream as well.

I am not sure how big the difference is between reading Mange and watching Youtube. My brain is fried either way. I thought reading Manga would be a different category because its not a video.

I was looking forward to continue reading Blame! It got pretty boring though. I kind of forgot the Plot and the action isnt really that interesting to me. However there are so many ideas integrated into this distopian world and I got a bit of that, but I am not looking forward to reading more.

I didnt notice a huge difference with double the dose right away but I will probably notice the difference the coming days.

Oh I hope you are prepared to live without medication as it can make a big difference.

I already archieved states of pretty strong discipline in the past. Blocking pretty much all distractions. But still my adhd couldnt motivate me to do anything or process my emotions which came up, so it didnt help. If I would give that sort of routine another shot it might work much better this time.

I was weirdly pretty on point on a few things though.

I was daydreaming like crazy. My RV session usually takes a little longer then 30min pretty consistently. This one 49min. Its really a learning experience of how not to go into the session.

The RV session went terrible today. I slipped in one last (1,5 hours) YT video before the whole block and it makes me super duper numb. Got my daily dose of insights though: I thought about visualizing my distraction mechanisms, what the usual layers are before I get really conscious. Whenever I am healthily non distracted, distraction feels all the more rewarding, which is a trap. Really the only hug which felt completly good was with one friend yesterday. All the other hugs were often a mixup of things.

The last time I went to my old theatre club was when I felt a huge confidence boost with the wpmi-girl. I noticed on another occasion that I leaned more towards going back with the mariokart&chill-girl. So basically when I feel confident and secure in myself I am much more likely to go.

I turned on a complete block for Youtube which takes 5min to disable. So I turned to typing video titles in the search bar, copied the preview and watched it in this journal. I tweaked my search engine DuckDuckGo to not show me video previews. Seems to work. You really cant affort any leak if you are addicted. Interestingly though when I am really used to not watching Youtube for some time I dont have an instant relaps as soon as I open Youtube again. The pattern can creep in relatively quickly though if there is an opening, especially when times are though and I need distraction.

On my way to my social spot yesterday I thought about it. The rock weighing down on me just looks like something I needed to carry with me all my life when I was growing. Maybe my intuition cooked that up when I was drawing, not sure. But I liked that interpretation. It would be a nice piece of art actually, just a random ass rock on the top end of the tree looks surreal, which captures the feeling well.