Jannes

My inner thighs hurt like crap. They are so sore from last training session. Maybe thats one way to increase the size of my legs.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

I just texted a girl from university which I like. Well, at the point where I had the least sexual interest she seemed like the best choice. Not because she isnt sexually interesting but when you take sexuality out of the equation she seems healthy. But really this confronts me with what I really want. I am telling myself that I am not interested in casual sex and emotionally I actually do feel drawn towards her but there is just this inner will to bang a lot of girls still.. I think I have never observed this inner conflict so closely.

I think its because much of social interaction is a bit forced, in this moment there was a real vibe going on so you didnt need to force anything.

Chilled with my friend after impro. It was so super nice, we had a great chatter. Well actually I talked about stuff on my mind as well. But it was just so smoth and effortless, like I couldnt imagine how that could ever happen before but it did. I think its all thanks to blocking youtube. It went so well I didnt even know when to end it, like I wasnt used to talking and talking effortlessly and thought we need to stop at some point but really it wasnt nessaccary. I needed to pee at some point pretty badly so I stopped then. Interestingly I didnt really feel like hugging for a goodbye and he also BECAUSE it went so well I think. Which was really strange.

1) I am truly not at a point in my life where I know myself or my values good enough to really know what my LP is ( If I havent taken the course I would have thought that I just didnt think about it long enough ) 2) But somehow there is still a clear calling which needs to be discovered 3) Its in the direction of conveying spirituality and it will include my strenghts like thinking outside the box, empathy, creativity and so on.

God be like ..

I was public viewing for the wm-final. Men I feel like shit. I have got a headache. This usually happens when I am resensatized to digital stuff. And the game was also shit. Time to go to sleep ..

I had a weird bad dream tonight. I was alone at my parents house when suddenly someone strangely stalked the window, I took some cover to not be seen but I also wanted to see who is there. I went to the door I believe. Then I saw how one or two smashed a window. I ran upstairs, they seemed like troublemakers or robbers. I ran to my room and wanted to call the polive but a cartoonishly buff fat guy followed me "blurring something like you wanna call someone" implying that he knew I wanted to call the police and wanted to stop me. I looked at that tank thought for a second about a strategy and realized I didnt have many options. Just as a woke up I realized I must kick in his nuts if I want to have any chance. I didnt wake up shocked and in sweat or anything like that but it did wake me up. I stayed awake a bit longer thinking about my strategies. I should have went to another room where I could have went on the balcony and could have jumped off onto a table in the garden and from there jumped to my neighbors garden to another neighbors garden into the streets. (This was a path I mapped out once in case a fire broke out.) And I could have yelled that I am being robbed, call the police!!! I think the source of this dream is pretty straight forward, I am confronting ghosts of my past and they have a lot of motivation to haunt me.

I would love to throw a rock at a window of that dumb building but commiting a crime doesnt help me personally and wont help me get rid of my anger.

I am just in so much anger, its kinda painful like a constant light burn. I know I know its because of my old theatre club but what can I do ..

I wrote him about my problems with him back then and he didnt text me back within the last 24 hours. I am growing pretty angry because its important to me and I feel ignored. I mean its about shit like 3 years ago but still. Maybe he answers back later, maybe not at all. I am actually kind of scared of confronting him, he has influence on other people of the old theatre club. Well I never went the pragmatic route..

Haha its similiar to the beach situation last saturday. I also went back and forth a bit until I collected enough courage. I didnt even set the goal to go for pick up again, simply the fact that I am more used to lower stimulation and going out more seems to put me into situations ...

Damn my game was on point today. Worked out at the gym and saw an attractive girl and eventually collected all my courage and talked to her and her friend. Had a funny little opener "I looked all around the gym and you two seem to have the most developed talking muscle" (because they chit chatted all the time). So this opened up a fun little talk. Asked for her number and she said she is in a happy relationship but respects my courage for talking to her. A bit later she even went in the same area as me on a training machine so it seems she was quite comfortable with me. Honestly I think I did pretty well. I wasnt even that socially warmed up or in state so considering that I rocked. But this immediately reframes the romantic situation I am in. I feel more in power, I feel like my status is higher.

Yesterday at the train station I saw a girl with short hair. That was a love at first sight moment. Actually this happened a number of times with girls with short hair. Obviously its mostly looks and vibe based but its pretty telling to what I am into, like I dont like the typical girly girl.

So he wrote again because he missed the website I put in chat which has a 1 day delete So I answered him again but then added some real talk and problems i had/ have with him. Will see what happens.

Yesterday memories flashed my mind. When I was like 19 years old I visited an old classmate of mine. At that moment I felt so weird, like I was so old already and I already needed to have socialized a lot more. I felt so much sadness and sense of having missed so much. lol I was a baby back then. Now I am so much older and still live through the same sort of dynamic. I am fundamentally wired differently for that outcome to happen continuously. Will see if my youtube block changes things fundamentally.

I am back at not knowing what I want from the dating scene atm. Do I want a relationship or feel sexual abundance? In the direction of sexual abundance there are always so many obstacles and when there aren't any it often just doesn't really feel right. But never having done it also doesn't feel good. In the direction of relationships I kind of have 2 girls I think could be good partners. Both pretty young, about 20 years old though, so maybe this age gap will be difficult.. ..

Yesterday I went to a university beach party. Just talked to one girl. And I actually did pretty well in our little talk. Its moreso that I dont talk to girls enough and try my luck that I dont succeed rather then that I am not attractive enough. But I know that.. I think..

I am wondering more now if I should have kept ignoring him. My initial program of diplomacy feels a bit outdated, but its understandable why I didnt, he could have been key to reconnecting with the old theatre club.. he actually wanted just shrooms though it seems like, or mainly ..

I really felt some kind of chi energy again yesterday night. It really seems to be something about intense energy/ movement.

I thought a nap would clear my mind but not that much, I am still confused. The biggest one is if I want to apologize or not for ignoring him last time.

Interestingly just a few minutes ago I made the inner decision that I needed to find my own happiness. Well .. there are always thoughts I have about stuff, thats a bit esoteric of me.

An ex-theatre club member just texted me. I was super in conflict with him. He is asking to get shrooms and gives me kind regards. wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf !?!?!?!?!?!? So obviously there is 90% chance this isnt about shrooms, he could get them anywhere and last time we met I ignored him .. I changed me profile pic a few days ago so that could be part of it. I wonder if ... STOP I shouldnt overinterprete things. I almost wrote an impulsive response back immediately. No I should calmy write back and not fuck this up, its possible to solve something very important here.

I got such a kick out of this little product trailer on amazon, I spent half an hour searching for it again for a lick of that sweet dopamine. Holy shit! https://www.amazon.de/dp/B0FP5JZ6KT/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?pf_rd_p=cf5ead54-c2f4-4493-953a-430e94cae639&pf_rd_r=4TG4PJCY33FKYCG9HR2W&pd_rd_wg=qOCZ6&pd_rd_w=0Ed1i&content-id=amzn1.sym.cf5ead54-c2f4-4493-953a-430e94cae639&pd_rd_r=60bee80e-8f6c-41fa-b34e-908565d8b04a&aref=7Z2z94nCqB&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWw&th=1&psc=1