Jannes

25th of april 1945 in germany when us and sovjet soldiers meet for the first time. You know what sucks? I bet the moment was great for an hour or so but then faded away into not being that spectacular. Even the peak was probably mild. You get something so incredible on the table, yet the human psyche cant take it all in. Well thats my assesment at least. They should have been on psychedelics.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

Huh I am almot finished with the first protocoll. It was exactly how I imagined how it could work, I just had an intellectual impulse/ curiosity and followed through on that resulting in 2,5 sites of discourse. That fresh impulse cant be forced though.

Wow now thats a problem, I cant open a study for my university work because in the title is "video" because of video games. Damn ..

I stalled quite a bit and wasted some brain powe on the forum. Actualized block reactivated. I just need to start this is doable ...

@Never_give_up I would strategically search for stage green places in a first world country if you dont already live there, you will get accepted with open arms! For me I never really fit into the masculine men stereotype, I had phased where I lived up to it and even enjoyed it, but it was never a natural pull from me. I was always pretty soft, sensible and unagressive. People called me I am like a girl or gay because of it. I thought about it in my end teens, a different body would allow me a more colourful, emotionally intelligent phenemonological experience. There was a bit of longing for sure. But deep down I never really felt at unease with the body I was given. In the end I could do what I wanted to do with it. I could make it into something beautiful. And I never despised masculinity completly. 95% of it is ego-pushing trash but there is a deep beauty and need in its healhty form. The grounded, truthful, ego-less, brave if need be form. In my mid twenties in a theatre club I was given some pretty feminine make up for a play and I was entranced by the view in a way I never could have imagined. I was playing a bit with my lips flirting with the mirror and managed to produce quite a feminine charm. That was quite something. I was quite interested to explore that site of me further but it never got to it. Recently I got kind of sobered up by women. I experienced a lot of feminine specific toxic behaviour like social control and exclusion. The people who patched me up were mature white cis dude in their thirties lol. I was always team girls in my life but I kind of changed teams to the hand that feeds me. Not sure what will happen going forward, but atm I am kind of stabilized in my masculinity.

Hmm..

I could honestly share my digital minimalism strategies to the world. I have learned so much about it, it could be worth sharing.

I blocked videos on my phone as well now. It got very unhealthy very quickly. I was going to bed and was already looking to binge watch the next thing. The binge watch virus was infesting my virus within a day or two.

An important insight for my digital minimalism approach. Whenever I have a big impulse to get out of my minimalism, because I want to watch a video too find out about something it usually comes from a very productive and healthy place. For example when I wanted to watch a video on how to execute the chop block in table tennis. But after a short time I get into autopilot like an addict and binge watch. I cant control myself in those time periods. So what I could do is create an approach which is formulated around exactly this, through some kind of way I get a short access to something but then some structure pulls me right out with force again. That could work.

Its not just masturbation but the whole easy dopamine system you allow yourself. When you deny yourself all that easy access, its not just that you are more motivated to get it, your mind will reavaluate the situation and will unlock more resources in the form of confidence in you, because it is sensing that the current unrisky approach to things isnt getting you enough dopamine/ survival shit. Thats at least my thesis on it. Not sure about less masturbation in particular, I denied myself mostly everything around it so the described mechanism kicked in and I accessed more confidence which I needed to connect with other people to get the dopamine. I compensated my compensation strategies with the real thing eheh. And you can only jerk off a couple times a day, its not the biggest soure of mind numbing input you consume in a day.

I just found out that Connor Murphy passed away. Wanted to post on the forum but I am way too late. Whoa, not sure how too feel about it. Something about Leos comments on the thread struck me though, Connor was very unpractical in his approach. I used to incredibly unpractical, ideologically ungrounded as well. Gosh it felt great but reality gave me bad feedback again and again so I cooled down quite a bit. An important faceit of my development which I havent reflected or even forgot about.

The damm definitely broke. I am constantly watching some clips I can get my hands on on my phone now. Its like I once crossed that line and there is no going back. I need to figure something out after my deadline. Not sure if blockers with the same kind of completeness exist for your phone. Heck I could also just block my browser completly potentially.

Someone in the group noted how wrecked I look lol. How sweet of him though to reach out.

I felt like the audio was boring as shit and I couldnt reallyget into a creative flow or catch any thoughts on what I could say about it. I felt like maybe because I am towards the end I get a bit of a motivation kick but not really. Although now that I activate that thought pattern maybe yes.

I deserve a break and some good food. Will get back at it in maybe an hour or so to work on the protocolls. 2 protocolls with each about 3- 4 sites of my own argumentation. I think I can get that done. Luckily I dont get a grade for it.

I did it I think.. Got it as a handy pdf on my screen and ported on my usb to copy in the shop on monday. Lol, thats weird.

Also got the subheads done So only citation and the signature stuff left to do.

Not much to do any more, but many small problems which bug me for which I havent found a solution for yet.

About 20,25 pages. The spectrum is 15-20 so I have to slim down just a little.

Got the discussion and ending part done. Now the other points seem smaller but not with less unexpected difficulties perhaps.

Lol, I just started writing a tinder bio on google notes. My moral is pretty low.

Not motivated at all today. Lets sturcture my thoughts. For the housework I need to finish the discussion part with fresh thoughts and then do a short summary in the ending part. Afterwards I should read over the whole thing and look for obvious flaws. Then I need to think about how I quote the papers in the text, I didnt have a good idea on it yet. And then the last mandatory things like the signature, making it into a pdf and stuff. .. that should be my first block of today. Afterwards I can turn over to the protocolls but thats in the future in a couple hours hopefully.

If I stop now I wont reach my intended goal of finishing my house work. But really I will get at it tomorrow anyway as soon as I have time, so there is literally no time lost when I go to sleep now, as I will be fresh earlier. The only question is am I still productive and can produce intelligent thoughts.. the answer is NO. Goodnight

I dont know, I think I prefer the company of women. But also the feminine energy has something unclear about it. There is a certain comfort about the clearness and directness of masculine energy which is quite grounding.