Jannes

I am so hyped about the new chinese rubber I bought for experimentation. Traditional chinese rubbers are harder and have less catapult but you can get the same and more spin if you play very active. My soft european tensor felt a bit like a crutch so I am very eager to try the chinese one out. Perhaps its more hype then anything else but perhaps not.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

I remember all the positive experiences I had with body doubling, I need to make it work again. Found a first solution now I jump with two discord accounts into the RV group, my iPad for the camera and my laptop for the screen. It kinda seems to work. Holy shit this little tweaks for my compensation strategies mean life and death (almost)

Even medications couldnt bring me to do a whole lot.

I cant get myself to do the university work, its so shitty. You kind of have to make it enjoyable for yourself I think, otherwise well .. you just aint gonna do it. But I dont know what I can do to make it more enjoyable for me... well maybe that should be my contemplation now.

I found heaven, its finland

I need a new setup for body doubling though. I want one where I dont look directly into the camera if I want to see other people. I look like I stare (which I do) but I feel like it would make people uncomfortable so I dont do it as often but that robs me from getting the full effect. There is only so much I can do with my old iPad 6 though

Oh thats great to hear! I am always in a group so I dont have a partner but I tried 1 on 1 before and I found it can be very effective.

My old theatre club has only 1 more event on its website. I heard from different people a few months ago that it was gonna go down and now winter is coming (its super cold there) so the timing fits right. Damn Well I dont actually know whats up I can just guess so who knows

I just realized how long I blocked the regular forum ... like a few weeks. Reading what Leo had to say was kind of a basic grounding thing to do every day. Well I made the experience before that the forum graps a lot of attention from me, so maybe I should keep locking it (except for the journal section) going forward.

Nice, did it help you?

I was thinking about the nature of humor a bit recently and got the idea that for one humor is very culture dependent and second because of that by trying to understand jokes that arose from a completly different cultural background then your own you can actually understand another culture a lot because there is often a lot backed into a joke. I asked chatgpt for a few. Japan — The Apology Loop A: “I’m sorry I’m late.” B: “No, I’m sorry you had to apologize.” A: “No, I’m sorry that you’re apologizing.” B: “No, I’m sorry for making you feel you had to apologize.” Both bow. Finland — Too Much Conversation Two Finnish men are sitting in a sauna. They sit there silently for three hours. Finally, one man says: “It’s getting warm.” The other man looks at him. “We came here to relax. You don’t have to start a conversation.” Mexico — The Albur A: “Do you like spicy food?” B: “Of course.” A: “So you like having things put in your mouth?” B: “Only if I’m the one putting them there.” A: “So you admit you like putting things in your mouth?” B: “Only things that belong there.” A: “Then why are you talking to me?” Russia — The Optimist “How are things?” “Could be worse.” “Really?” “Yes. It could be tomorrow already.”

Faking smiles. I feel like everyone kind of developed a signature fake smile in their life which tries to come across as authentic as possible by copying the form of a spontanious smiling/ laughter reaction. Most smiles are a mix.

I am fascinated by the ways people can finesse themselves out of a really bad position. I want to find the common patterns accross different activities from sport, fighting, debating, economy, dating, whatever .. so post freely if you have examples.

Superior in self hatred 🫣

Nice quote Connects well to a thought I had about the question of this thread. You can save a bad position by doing a paradigm change and seeing in which way you actually are in a superior position. Obi Wan was superior on a mental level to Darth Maul. If you are getting attacked and demonized but you have the facts on your side you are superior on that front.

Whoa, I filled 100 pages with my journal, thats a lot.

And its such a long time that I listened to Alan Watts holy shit!?!? Thought about it at the spot today when the music and lights were just right.

One of the best social flows I had was when I had this university project with this one girl. Need something like this again. Although she put a lot into it, in a relationship with someone this wont necessarily be the case.

My Discord body doubling lounge will be critical tomorrow. Cant do without it.

Eheheheh, the view of the leader of my old theatre club was that he was so morally superior especially in things like dating which is why he felt like his place was something special. Well and I wanted to hear a big apology ofc that wasnt going to happen... But it was my best shot at the time. https://www.actualized.org/insights/actualized-quotes-730

I was in such a low party mood today after taking elvanse. I just shouldnt take it on days I go out...

Saw one girl at the social spot who saw me at the social spot when there was the clash. And she seemed visibly unnerved. And I saw a few other indicators as well. I was sitting in fear for a few hours always sourrounded by people I know. I saw too scared to go because outside there is a big crowd and there I feel vulnerable. Table tennis finished relatively early so I was in luck that I could go with a few people. Maybe 100m outside just around a corner a group of people including which seemed like a good friend of HER and also the dude who got me out of the place sat outside. And they noticed me. Lucky me that I was in a group but men this is scary. He (the dude who got me out) also kinda starred (straight) when he walked past me which seemed kind of scary. Well I would also be somewhat protected on a bike but thats not a good defense. Its also good that he saw that I noticed him so he knows I am aware. This is just too much ... I could do something other that day like go to the gym.

The table tennis itself was kind of boring today. I won a lot of points from the first serve which many couldnt return. And then smashed the ball lots of times at the third ball. Maybe I need a worse racket lol, one that still gives me a learning experience but allows for longer rallies and doesnt smash my opponents to pieces.

There were a bunch of situations in my life where I ran away the moment someone wanted to connect with me or a situation arose where connection was possible. I need to make a list. Fitting that I remember this now.