Jannes

I am afraid of snakes, but that gives me so much chills. Snake love, how wholesome. There needs to be a new term for when you become aware/ integrate another facet of reality/ love.

What is really interesting is that my sexuality is deeply connected with how I feel about the world. Right now I got really comforted which changes my sexuality where I am comfortable with being more dominant.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

Wow I actually went through with it. Talked about my problems. Told her that I struggle with flirting because of adhd. Said that I found too many girls who would cheat and that I have a problem connecting with them because of it. And it all went well .. It honestly boggles my mind ..

Will have a talk with my adhd doctor today. Last time she offered me she could give me psychological counsoling if I wanted .. I was happy I would only need to make the decision in 2 moths. Well here we are now. Fuck me idk. I cant sell someone that I am struggling because I am too attractive and girls would cheat for me and that is why I cant take a girl because I want to keep my values "STOP CRYING I NEED TO TALK TO PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS, THERE ARE LONELY PEOPLE IN THIS WHO WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE A WOMENS GENTLE TOUCH AND YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT TOO MANY OPTIONS, JUST TAKE ONE AND BE HAPPY." and you know maybe she would have a point

Only in America

I had an insane start up idea today. I feel weird when I take medication because I act differently and people often dont know wether I am on medication or not. So I hate it when I do something on medication and people attribute that to my usual non medicated self and vice versa. Also it takes some time to explain to people how medication works. I thought about a hanger on a chain in the form of a pill which is digital. It would connect to an app and would light up. It could light up half full when the effect of the medication is halfway gone. I dont think anyone thought about this before, but I love the aesthetic of pills for some reason, I value authenticity and transparency and so it would make sense that this is not yet patented.

If it is true that my normal state of consciousness is higher then that of usual people and only because I am not good at doing survival my consciousness is chronically nerfed, that would mean if I found a way to be good at survival without social pressure I would naturally connect to high states of consciousness. Well that's kinda what my daydreams are sometimes, for example being a lonely dude in a ship in space. .. I managed to stomach today that my mom kind of makes excuses for my dad. My dad says he would work after retirement and this and that and I already knew nothing would come from this but my mom seemed like she believed him. Well my mom also points out a lot of flaws as well to be fair.

Took Elvanse and experienced a huge productivity boost. Then I experienced a lot of heavy emotions which I usually cant take on which are sitting in my stomach and throat. Also a decent amount of anxiety. I dont think those emotions are neccessarily bad, some may have been stored up in me and its healthy that they came out. Or not. Idk

I always wondered how droids and non-droids could coexist in star wars. Droids could speak in every language and hold an amount of perspectives and strategies that no non-droid could. So it always seemed like non-droids got owned for the plot, but in reality if a droid ever got so intelligent it seemed like it would be a dominant force. But here we are with with AI in the real world. AI sounds super sophisticated and can use a huge amount of data, but still it can do very little on its own. Just like in Star Wars. I find it interesting that this dynamic was already captured before AI happened in our world.

Back to some serious self development, there is this dude which I am SO FUCKING AKWARD around. It was an experiment maybe a year ago, people I was comfortable around bored me, people who stimulated me I wasn't comfortable around. He seemed stimulating so I opened up to him with the intention that I could get comfortable along the way and then have a stimulating friend. Well I didn't get comfortable and some kind of childhood trauma kicks in and the situations that I create are so fucking uncomfortable. Aaaah I thought I could explain that to him. Tell him I am awkward, not him. Tell him that if he wanted to, he could help me with taking this lightly/ jokingly.

I confronted him about it today. He kind of sold it like he was the victim of ghossip and I wanted to clear that up. He explained how he did see himself as the perpetrator which I wanted to hear and explained many stories. Without the talk I couldnt be in peace with him.

He showcased his apartment to show he didn't store any food. Ofc it could have been a trick. But also it's possible to survive a 40 day fast especially as a young healthy dude. If it was am actual fast it means he was crazy enough to risk his own life with a pointless fast, if not it means he is a liar.

I dont know the exact setup, but he filmed himself over the 40 days 24/7 as proof. I havent watched the stream but if it was made setup transparent with cameras everywhere it would be pretty hard to fake. If not he would have probably cheated. I dont know. He made a video where he said he broke the fast with watermelon. Yeah Connor lost it but I have a bit of a weakness for crazy people. I can't explain that easily.

Whut!? But he filmed himself and lost a ton of weight. Maybe if there were some off camera moments he ate something, I am not that deep into it.

The artist girl was there yesterday. It was a bit of a shock to my whole system. She is hella skilled socially, it doesnt even make sense. So I emotionally opened up but I dont really know how far I want to go. Really I created a boundary already, she has mental problems, a bf and overwhelms me, its not good.

I loved these things as a kid. Wow, how can I only remember them now. How was I emotionally detatched from them ..

I had a dream of doing it with a dude yesterday night. When I am lifted of a lot of social pressure my bi side comes out more. Weirdly in day consciousness I am basically never attracted to dudes. In my dreams I sometimes love to get nailed though.

WAIT, if it's not the case that he got shit despite being innocent then that wouldn't explain my case. Such a short time with so much pressure lifted off my shoulders.

At my social spot today I saw the proud girl again, she was there right from the start. I had a chance to ask a friend of her if she is in a monogamous relationship with that dude but I was too scared to ask. Damnit I blew a chance. I generally noticed that the spot is just so routinlike that it's boring and I am becoming boring. Either I am super funny or super boring and all of that has to do with how engaged I am. The key to socializing really is to find ways to stimulate myself. Which is why “how can I have fun this night" was always so helpful to me in the past for socializing. And also I often put so little effort into having fun. I started to put more effort into it today and it paid out, I was more engaged then usual.

He just told me he did sexual harassment. Oh my fucking God what is going on. I am not aware of any crimes that I did. This becomes very apparent when the freedom to confess them opens up and nothing follows. Aaaaaah I don't know what to think of my friend now.

I asked if he did anything wrong or did anything that could even be interpreted wrong but he didnt reply yet. I guess he fucked up a little at least.

Whenever I speak my mind and get a pure conscience I feel an even bigger inpurity because I start to believe that I am not evil anymore.

RV notes from a few days ago which seemed fire (I should really use my Laptop for my RV targets, so I can use my phone to write them down right away) I wonder if my RV blocked when my ability to awaken is blocked as well Later yesterday I imagined my very next move and thought like I was god Frame over truth with the wpmi-girl all the way

So I talked to him about it. And he replied that he experienced the same. Multiple women there accused him of sexual harassment. I assume he implied that he didn't do shit to deserve it. I am loosing my fucking mind. This place has to be nuked with truth.