Jannes

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  1. I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf
  2. https://www.actualized.org/insights/ram-dass-if-you-win-you-lose The moment I convinced everyone in my old theatre club I loose because there will be such a comfortable survival fortress that I wont be able to look past it, I will foster that fortress and that will entrap me. Not having a survival fortress sucks as well though ...
  3. I want to get back to the gym again simply because it simply seems like the best pick up place atm if you got the balls. But something I need to figure out about myself is that it seems like I enjoy pick up or lets say the process of finding someone more enjoyable or am more comfortable with that process then actually connecting with someone. Because I kind of got options in my PMs already. I always got explanations for why she isnt the one atm but do I fool myself about this perhaps?
  4. Feel better today but I kind of need to continue the grind if I want to stay on schedule. This is just 1 of 5 modules I want to finish this semester.
  5. Yesterdays note: I think it just feels so weird to go outside because of doing my university work by myself for two days. That's not good. I need to get back into the daylight.
  6. I never thought about which video game character I would dress if I had the chance. I find the idea of dressing as an unimportant character more interesting then dressing as a main character. Like how its way cooler to drive as the cow or gumba in mario kart as it is to drive as mario or joshi..
  7. Been in this situation before and yeah it is surreal indeed.
  8. There is still time for the festival though ..
  9. Need better sleeping habits, its so late in the day now. And it doesnt even make sense, I woke up at about 12. How can 4 hours go by which are just filled with breakfast, showering, RV and lunch ..
  10. With my newfound confidence and competence I find myself considering new possibilites to how I conduct my social life. Imagine I can just everywhere, be charismatic and well liked without much effort..
  11. I had a weird dream today that there was a giant police or firefighting operation at one of my social spots going on. Well not the spot in particular but all around. And I walked right into it. Whenever I dream of something like this happens to a place of mine that feels like home my alarm bells ring.
  12. Sounds fun! Well not to me at this point in time but generally so.. I guess there will be a lot of outfits?
  13. Tomorrow is a badass beach festival. I really need a break from all my shitty university work, this will be cool.
  14. Still havent that girl .. Although interestingly with stimulation I would probably forget about it. Men this is so akward, I should stop doing stuff out of impulse period .. ? .. idk maybe I also realized in this situation ... or maybe I was just emotional and impulsive and ... and so both kind of have a point ... AAAaaaaahhhhh
  15. I have this dude on WhatsApp because I studied with him in a group 6 years ago LOL
  16. On wednesday I was in such an intense mood, I could have really needed it to calm down.
  17. Smoked some weed lol Well the good kind that makes you sleepy, not the trippy one that causes brain damage. I had a gram of weed in my kitchen all this time lol
  18. It still sits in my bones. This is just a dimension where a smile fades.
  19. I am actually scared as shit because of that encounter.
  20. Saw a dude who is friends with the girl I clashed with at the social spot. He was with a dudes group. I was packing my stuff and he or someone in the group was like "PACK FASTER". Not sure if they are just natural assholes or if they knew who I was. Anyway it left a bit of a shock.
  21. Whenever I am really engaged and even stimulated with university work I am also a bit numbed. Just a tiny bit though.
  22. I remember yesterday when I talked to my friend about it, I talked about it super openly. Like I just told my friend my feelings for her and didnt even hide it that much when someone else came into the group. I mean there is nothing to be ashamed about about having feelings for someone .. holy chad ..
  23. The chatting with her goes so smoothly, its kind of unfair how well it goes. It would be so easy to go back to fuckboy mode if it turned out not nice with her, but its the most peaceful chat I had in a long time..
  24. Impulsively I asked a female friend of mine yesterday if she is going on any festival and she said she hadnt planned for it and why I am asking. I think I need an honest emotional answer to this now, do I want to connect to her or not .. ? Ofc I wouldnt give a direct answer, but would make my position clear with indirectly. She is hot, but I dont really have feelings for her .. yet.