Jannes

I am in quite a lot of emotional pain caused by that event. Men I hate her so much. Just a hit from nowhere.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

I was watching some clips of the modern german army. What struck me was that many o fthe haircuts were haircuts I liked back in the day. I was invested in this sort of image of a strong men.

I have never had a pet so for me its hard to judge.

You can find that sort of question in all sort of plots, of having to choose between something that has a lot of personal value to you vs something that has more "objective" value. Reminds me of the last decision in Life is Strange where you have to choose between your best friend you built an emotional connection with or a city with a bunch of people, animals, buildings and so on. I think it comes down to development. The more developed you are, the more you will choose for the greater good then your personal good. With the caveat that loving animals is also a kind of development which goes beyond the usual human bias but also having a grudge against humanity is not a sign of development.

I also looked at the situation that caused all this mess I am in right now. Its really interesting, survival always has you by the balls in the way it shapes your awareness to make you ignore some things which arent helpful or are anti helpful for survival but in this situation its so incredibly emotionally loaded that I can feel that this it is madness to look at it honestly, like I am risking my life with it. I did it anyway, which felt like quite the operating performance and well I didnt find that much. What I wasnt honest with myself was that I did have a big player ego and she was on the menu. Which itself isnt a crime. In the situation I remember that I completly lost it because of all the pressure which was an unusual situation for me. And I also didnt notice that she was uncomfortable. The only factor is was to which degree I was acting out my player ego in this moment. I cant tell anymore. I couldnt really remember the moment when the leader of the theatre club asked me about it either.

I am weirdly fascinated by military equipment recently. ... 42 Mio clicks. Hijacking the human mind isnt that complicated.

WOAH, I have forgotten so much about meditation.

3 scoops. 2 regular ones (4mg each) and 1 with just a little extra. Around 13mg I would guess. I got nothing out of it really. I could only think about my survival situation atm. And how painful it was to be looked at as the absolute worse. And also in how much pain she must be in. Lol Oh and also how much I am looking for a relationship right now. Well or in how much of a survival ( not thrival ) mode I am atm. I am hoping that through RV and God and a gf I will arrive at a place where I can enjoy life. Well I dont think I am quite wrong but maybe a bit of consciousness work of being in this moment right now is important.

I am a bit late to the discussion but some critical thoughts about it recently hit me so I would like to share those. What gave Leo really bad looks was when he made big critiques on science and presented himself as the science expert studying the history of science and so on and when he was pushed to make some actual arguments about where science is lacking he didnt seem prepared, only making one sorta point but then continued by critiquing science even more completly jumging over a proper point by point critique of science in the first place. I remember that this exact thing happened on the Charisma on Command interview and that this was also the worse moment for Leo in that interview. Also generally Leo presenting himself as all wise seemed arrogant and preachy-ish. Maybe that also attracts some audience though. On the other hand I really enjoyed when Leo grounded some of his pretty outragous claims to make them reasonable in the relative everyday context. "I was kind of cute about it.." And also when explaining many of his concepts of survival, love and so on the explanation seemed extremely clean, a sort of quality you dont get anywhere else and a big chunk of his speaking part was just that. So some big hits but also misses I feel like.

Talked to a dude who I thought witnessed the whole thing but really he only got snippets that I told him and nothing else. He said that sometimes people have made really bad experiences and then when someone triggers that experience, they connect that bad experience with what someone else did. He said he witnessed me as a really nice person who wants to solve problems but that this is basically not a battle I should engage with. Thats of course an overly positive and one-sided perspective, he doesnt have a big picture, but still a really important take-away. I know that she was once very painfully rejected, it seemed like it broke her and shaped her identity.

Kinda scared to go out and meet someone I might know. I dont know about this social spot anymore, my safe space is kind of ruined. But all the people I know are there. My best option I think is going tuesday to another spot and maybe not going on thursday every time until things become easy again.

So the people that confronted me at the social spot, I saw a few of them yesterday again. Well for one, one of the leading guys there said in the beginning that I can get in but he might kick me out later should she arrive. That left me knitting on the same spot for 5 hours. I really need the talk to further explain my situation. Well its likely that to a certain degree she already shared the info of the mail but I dont know about that. So well a few of the people who confronted me I saw again. She looked at me like I am the absolute worst. Then she brought another guy who I forgot was also present who also looked at me like I was the absolute worst. I tried to built some eye contact but there was no way getting through or to a conversation so I ignored them. But the amount of stress I felt was quite something I never experienced before I think. A new quality of fear.

Just went outside after a shower to check my letterbox. Someone starred directly at me about 60 meters away at the door of a house and when I looked back at him he eventually got inside. Not sure if I am getting paranoid or what.

Someone just knocked at my door and then ran away (I was quick at my door). Psycho shit

True, every useful technology will also get corrupted everytime.

Felt like shit today at my social spot and I couldnt quite grasp why. One of the reasons was that I spent time with my family, which was good, but also kinda nulled me so it took time to get back into socializing. But even with that life just felt so awful, I just would have like to cuddled with someone to tank energy but I dont have anyone.

I still didnt get an answer for my email I wrote about a week ago explaining my case. It feels so long that I already begin to feel that I wont get an answer. But I likely will.

A part of my soul sorta left my body the last couple of weeks. Which is also why I didnt write that much in my journal. That and shame that others read about it. I know this is my safe space but I know some lurkers read my journal from time to time and I was ashamed of it. Anyway I already introduced the topic before, I am just quoting this from time to time here and try to write without holding back.

My task till that day is too look for what I did wrong to get bad results. Well I am trying to do that for as long as I practice. I usually notice differences when things outside, like social dynamics, change.

My RV session SUCKED today. I was completly out of it because I couldnt practice as well the last couple of days. I should now write him after 10 hours of practice for our next coaching session. Darn ..

LOL , I just had such a symbolic dream. I was in the classroom and one of the guys there I knew from back then asked for a friendly fist bump which he got. Then my bully asked for one as well. I declined saying that he was a bully which seemed to have struck him very deeply. He sat that and took it like a massive hit he needed to process. I always felt bad for him. It seemed like just before tears rolled out his eyes he changed seats. LOLOLOL LOLOLOL LOLOL Dreams with my ex-bully always carried a lot of meaning and showed how I developed and overcame what I was forced to be back then.