Jannes

Now this is interesting, I do experience myself having troubles focusing without some sort of input. I also heard someone else with adhd have that difficulty and resolving it with traffic noise. I NEED to try this

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

Raw Consciousness is so beautiful. Its the only beautiful thing. In relationships we experience it for a while. I wonder why we run away from consciousness otherwise though. Like my mind wants to numb and distract itself. Whats the deal? How can't I know any better?

Interestingly my imagination continued a lot in this meditation. And also some parts of my soul, aka deep emotional wounds started to heal. The vibe was a bit like this.

Its so weird actually being on top of my game and not having things to do urgently. Actual free time. I could fall into video games but better invest it into meditaton.

Just did an hour long meditation where I starred at a black point on a piece of paper. I helped me to work through quite a lot of thoughts and relaxed me. No special state of consciousness though. Although a bit. When I closed my eyes and let my thoughts run, I had some creative visions which seemed qualitatively different from my usual creative thoughts. Some kind of outfit, some kind of cristal-hearted-redness mixed with all sort of weirdness. They literally seemed higher/ more holy. Very hard to put into words.

Just cut my beard and only left the mustache and under lipp beard. It looks way cleaner in comparison. I dont know what I was thinking with this 2mm beard before. I never shaved it off completly for years so I never had a comparison. There is a deeper lesson that I sometimes need to change my usual patterns to see the other side... maybe I should do a hookup is what this lesson seems to suggest to me...

I have had a bunch of thoughts recently which I wanted to write down but then I didnt get to it and now I forgot them lol Well I think one was that I recently got really horny. My ex f+ posted some status on whatsapp which seemed pretty intimate. She can kind of convey that in pictures. Its so weird, on the one hand I like that, on the other our f+ relationship was hell, I never truly liked being around her. Its pretty confusing. Maybe I need to rewire my experience with intimacy with another partner.

The strategy to get the link of a video fast works awfully well..

Men oh men. I have pretty good sleep discipline still. Going to bed at 1pm yesterday but I slept about 11 hours. There is little that habit can do then.

Why is it bad that people are selfish? that people only care about their survival agenda? that they twist reality to fit their needs, that they are opportunistic, that they lie? why is survival "bad" ? Because its a lower form of love

Nice indeed

Although I find it stimulating to help I dont want to be a soil for her to rely on. I can help here and there though. Thats where a professional nearness distance relationship is important.

Forgot to put that in yesterday: Great socializing evening today. I am trying harder again and it shows. I feel more confident/ funny/ energetic. Sat next to a few new people and that was really nice. But oh men some dynamics tear me apart. I have a nice dynamic with two of them. With one I built up some trust. Another I don't know as long but I find her more attractive, she is a bit older (more mature hopefully) and so on. So potentially a better match. They collided a bit today and that sucks. I kind of need to give some direction to it. I was in this situation before and because I didn't choose I didn't take anyone of them, even though I liked them both. And later a friend of mine came late to the social spot. She seemed pretty emotionally unstable. I think I put her at ease though. And this was quite stimulating as well. Later on I think she longed for a bit more. I really would have liked

I finally made it to my body doubling launge again. Something I notice though is that I am always looking directly in the camera when I look at the other people in the launge. The camera decive and the screen on which I see other people body double would need to be seperated. So I would need my laptop to be the camera, or my iPad to use an external camera.

I lacked a lot of energy and confidence today. I also stood up a lot later so my routine was out of balance but still ..

Oh no, I found a new way to indulge in watching youtube videos. If I remember the title I can type it in, switch to video, click on the video and then the blocker sets in. But I will have the link in time to copy in here.