Jannes

Because with medication accepting closeness, regulating excitement and fear from people who I hold in high regard, the perspective of a girlfriend actually become much more realistic. Didnt expect that.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

When I browsed today I got sidetracked by porn. And I found one particular scene so heartwarming. Maybe its just because sex can be a very emotional thing. I could make a little collection of little gestures of love I saw in movies and such which actually melt me.

I am really getting addicted to youtube again. I am just copying videos from youtube to this journal and watch them. It has gotten to such a habit that its difficult to quit, it would completly change my whole day already. But its also hard to gradually decrease.

The RV-instruction book for my training arrived on thursday and today I read about a third of it. Its not much text at all and I already spotted like 3 spelling erros which makes it authentic but also gives it a bit of a low quality feel. The main part of the training are the personal sessions though which I am excited about and also the possibility to ask questions. My trainer said that after about 270 sessions I could work on (paid) projects. Will see how that goes. Good that university isnt that stressful atm so I can get both things done. Also learned to at least learn level 1 in knitting. It sucks that I can only watch left handed videos but its okay. Knitting COULD be cruical for many things at once, 1) to process emotions, 2) to stay aware for RV, 3) to not fall into Youtube addiction, etc. Will see. Overall not a ton of work done but it is work nonetheless and in the right direction.

@EdgeGod900 I think there are reasons for why its likely that values and strength match in both directions. If you care about something you put more energy into it and naturally become better at it. When you are naturally better at something, when it gives you a survival edge, then you are likely valuing it more.

I have always wondered why they never implement machines like the ones Team Rocket had in Pokemon Games. If you watched the Anime, it felt like an integral part of the adventure. You could have so many options with it as well. Not sure about the new Legends AZ game, maybe they have some machines there.

I think the reason why I have people around me where I have the survival edge - so to say, is because I am bad at creating boundaries so I spent time with people who cant overwhelm me. And with my new abilities I experience myself drifting more towards higher caliber - so to say. Although thats not totally true as well, because one I never really bonded with anyone and second I did spent time with people who already had relatively high status.. well kinda.

I am seeing a girl at my social spot about once a week atm. I already got her number and she seems super interested. The problem is that I have a hard time opening up to people emotionally while she has no problem with it whatsoever which overwhelms me. We have very different speeds. I light up on the short distance I can follow her until it gets to much for me and I create distance. Important to note though is that she seems to already know me through friends which would likely reveal both very high status but also social anxiety/ trauma. Has anyone experienced the same dynamic and has any insights to share of how to go about it?

My conscious experience with medicinet is just so different from normal sober that so much changes. I already made insane progress without it so maybe this is the wrong path. I think its worth exploring nonetheless though. What I can say is that it doenst really seem to make me happy. I feel in the hands of the lord of survival which makes me feel irritable and always on track and idk what else.

Saw her at my social spot. What felt terrible was that some guy seemed to chat her up and she seemed interested, although it was just a short exchange. This would be one of the freeest and most moral lays I could ever find and I am not taking it because I want to keep the opportunity with the wpmi-girl. I am really putting her on a pedestal I just notice.

I think this is a little detail which is worth gold examining. I recently walked through the streets and saw a girl with hair which looked a bit like this at the neck, it was just a little shorter. It kind of looked like the tail of a rat on her. I cant be 100% sure, but she seemed like a leftist. And then this got me thinking, wearing hair which looks like a rat tail takes a lot of openmindedness, because loving rats is against humans survival agenda. But I guess exactly that made it all the more interesting, I absolutely loved it. Then I put the dots together, when you see development as widening your circle of love to more and more different things and the transcendence of ones own narrow survival agenda and when you see leftists as higher on this spectrum, this haircut makes perfect sense as a manifestation of these truths.

I asked her for a private talk on wednesday and she kind of avoided it. Same thing today. But she offered a walk next week. Almost feels like she wants to shake me off now, or she wants to check if I am serious.

Thats a good point! But that seems to make it even more complicated aaah

With this girl I havent really built a connection or anything, we didnt date, we just flirted pretty stongly. So this is not really an example of loosing a connection with someone because of looks because I never committed to a connection to begin with.

@Natasha Tori Maru With medicinet my dopamine system works stronger, so everything that is about mememe is more in the foreground. Its really interesting, I am not sure if it led to a value change or if this dynamic already was in my mind but just didnt capture my attention as much as my latest interpreatation says. Yeah exactly, I can at least look at the ugly beast holding the cards here, am I okay with the looks and go deeper or do I value looks so much that I should respectfully decline the offer. Maybe something in between is possible if it is communicated well. .. I made some space from other opportunities I have right now to focus on this. Will be interested to see where this will be going and what kind of insights I will have on medication.

You can hurt your shoulders with bench and overhead press for sure but for lower back and neck its not as obvious. Have you done mostly free weights or machine? Have you learned the technique or done it mostly free style? Have you felt back or neck pain during any particular exercise?

I wrote the mario-kart-n-chill-girl that my situation is a bit complicated at the moment and that I would text her when things become more clear. I feel so free and happy to go to my social spot now. I could already explain in theory why I have many social problems from not standing up for myself etc. but now I see it in practice. I just had less of an egoic force which created a bad survival situation for myself which made me struggle which made it difficult to connect. Also I thought when I am as egoic as I am that I wouldnt find people because I wouldnt be interested in such people but everyone has this egoic force to themselves so its fine, people expect it. Everyone expects each other to be as egoistical as they are. However with adhd you couldnt even really replicate that. You could make an expression of this egoic behaviour but it would be so transparent that it wouldnt really work. If your in the gist of it you naturally hide it.

When I got to my social place yesterday and looked at everybody I was so confused. Like how did I make all of these friends? How did they get to me? How did this happen? When have I ever made a choice? There is another girl at the social with very strong adhd and she has a lot of older friends who seemed to really appreciate her for some reason and I always wondered how this dynamic manifested itself. .. With adhd you are less focused on yourself. So much of this flirting that I did happened naturally because I didnt focus so much on myself which for other people is more of a rarety which is why they value this more and also take it more personal. I have less ego motivation to be friends with someone for egoistical reasons, for example matching status or gaining status. Which is why I cant engage in certain ego bonds. I talked with a psychologist a few years ago about not being able to make "cool" friends. But its a more profound issue then they gave me credit for back then. Also when I perceive someone as threatlike then I cant really process these emotions as good which is why I wont engage as much with high status people.

@Recursoinominado @Natasha Tori Maru @ivankiss When I am really honest with myself, I am also not 100% interested in her simply based on looks. She looks good, but I could get someone more attractive. The vibe is fantastic though and I wished it was different. Anyways because I didnt want to admit that to myself I maybe looked for rationalizations why I wasnt feeling it, when the reality was, when she looked more attractive I would have been able to go deeper instead of withdrawl. And also that may be why she tries to be in power to compensate for this slight imbalance. .. Just got going with my adhd medication so some things appear to be clearing up.

Medicinet be like

I am super confused with what this evening even was. It was kind of a fever dream literally. I think the wpmi-girl wants me to be genuinely interested in her and is hurt when I am not. .. The medicinet is wearing off. It was amazing on monday but was kind of shit afterwards .. mmh ..