Jannes

I am actually scared as shit because of that encounter.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

Saw a dude who is friends with the girl I clashed with at the social spot. He was with a dudes group. I was packing my stuff and he or someone in the group was like "PACK FASTER". Not sure if they are just natural assholes or if they knew who I was. Anyway it left a bit of a shock.

Whenever I am really engaged and even stimulated with university work I am also a bit numbed. Just a tiny bit though.

I remember yesterday when I talked to my friend about it, I talked about it super openly. Like I just told my friend my feelings for her and didnt even hide it that much when someone else came into the group. I mean there is nothing to be ashamed about about having feelings for someone .. holy chad ..

The chatting with her goes so smoothly, its kind of unfair how well it goes. It would be so easy to go back to fuckboy mode if it turned out not nice with her, but its the most peaceful chat I had in a long time..

Impulsively I asked a female friend of mine yesterday if she is going on any festival and she said she hadnt planned for it and why I am asking. I think I need an honest emotional answer to this now, do I want to connect to her or not .. ? Ofc I wouldnt give a direct answer, but would make my position clear with indirectly. She is hot, but I dont really have feelings for her .. yet.

What I find suspicious is that some trans people have trouble acting. Or at least in impro one time there was someone who identified neither as male or female (was biologically male). That person got assigned a role as a manly priest but then right before they would start the acting scene they suddenly left, never to be seen again. You can interpret many things into it, but interpreting it as that they didnt want to play a role considered masculine seems natural. I dont have a problem playing a female character, most women dont have a problem playing a masculine character. If a trans person truly is what they feel like they are then playing the other gender shouldnt be problematic, as compared to what they truly are THIS is just acting ... But I get that it can be triggering when you have to justify to other people your gender identity all the time and then arent even consistant yourself ..

Yeah for me thats super true. I think everyone can benefit a lot from blocking social media/ youtube. But for me the difference is very extreme because my nervous system is so sensitive.

The one girl I wanted to ask for a number today brought her bf/ fuckboy whatever with her again. I thought it was over with them or something. And I was really confident I wanted to ask her for her number today, I really pictured her as a viable girlfriend. Well if she was still with him it wouldnt have changed much, but I could have asked her for her number way earlier. IF I WAS MORE OF A CHAD THIS WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED. It interesting, without youtube to escape, I take all the blame on myself.

It was nuts today at my social spot and I had so much more confidence then usual, even gaming wasnt really that nerve wrecking. I feel a bit dirty though, I flirted with so many girls today.

I am kind of connecting my new self which is comfortable with less stimulation with a natural non medicated self. And this strategy of mine does indeed help with a lot of things but it doesnt have to be the solution for everything.

Couldnt get anything done right now, I just felt sleepy and a bit sorrow

I think I will take some medicinet tomorrow. I need a boost to work on my university stuff

I am not lazy, I make a conscious decision to dowhshift: https://karrierebibel.de/downshifting/

I watched a gay cartoon porn a couple days ago and I am still kind of off-put by it. There is a component I like about it, at least in the cartoon version, but I am also put off by it. Weird.

When I said goodbye to someone today I kind of gave them a longing smile .. hard to put into words but definitely showing some deep romantic-ish interest. And the thing was, it was a dude. ... I have no idea what just happened there. I kind of looked at him a couple of times, I noticed his good style before I knew he was gay/ bi with a bias on guys, he is super chill to talk to and he looks attractive. Soo yeah he is kind of in this exception realm but I cant tell what that reaction of mine was.. it seemed genuine on my end but I cant connect the dots really. Am I surpressing something so deeply that I cant even make it conscious when I focus my attention on it?

Men, one of the very few good things humans did was create open source projects. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DYAT1RbgRLZ/ We need an open source amazon, or an open source marketplace at least.

A lot of that gloryess vibes from yesterday are gone. I have only slept for 6 hours, thats probably part of the reason why.

My inner thighs hurt like crap. They are so sore from last training session. Maybe thats one way to increase the size of my legs.

I just texted a girl from university which I like. Well, at the point where I had the least sexual interest she seemed like the best choice. Not because she isnt sexually interesting but when you take sexuality out of the equation she seems healthy. But really this confronts me with what I really want. I am telling myself that I am not interested in casual sex and emotionally I actually do feel drawn towards her but there is just this inner will to bang a lot of girls still.. I think I have never observed this inner conflict so closely.

I think its because much of social interaction is a bit forced, in this moment there was a real vibe going on so you didnt need to force anything.

Chilled with my friend after impro. It was so super nice, we had a great chatter. Well actually I talked about stuff on my mind as well. But it was just so smoth and effortless, like I couldnt imagine how that could ever happen before but it did. I think its all thanks to blocking youtube. It went so well I didnt even know when to end it, like I wasnt used to talking and talking effortlessly and thought we need to stop at some point but really it wasnt nessaccary. I needed to pee at some point pretty badly so I stopped then. Interestingly I didnt really feel like hugging for a goodbye and he also BECAUSE it went so well I think. Which was really strange.

1) I am truly not at a point in my life where I know myself or my values good enough to really know what my LP is ( If I havent taken the course I would have thought that I just didnt think about it long enough ) 2) But somehow there is still a clear calling which needs to be discovered 3) Its in the direction of conveying spirituality and it will include my strenghts like thinking outside the box, empathy, creativity and so on.

God be like ..