Jannes

Okay so I drove to Berlin but then didnt feel like going to my friend and went to a table tennis bar instead. Got the number of a girl there. She seems to be in her end twenties or early thirties and looks pretty good. I think a one night stand was on the table but I missed it. Looking back it may have been kind of a dick move to not go to my friends birthday event, I was kinda scared to go because I would have met a bunch of people I have never seen before and I was pretty late and was going early as well, so that was a bit akward. But I simply wasnt in the state to handle that situation, I was too numb or socially to exhausted to make a good decision there. Well I dont think my decision was super bad either.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

Holy shit. At first I couldnt believe this is real.

I am also scared of meeting a bunch of people that I have never seen before.

Yeah, I would love to have a look ..

OMG OMG OMG OMG

Sitting in the train now. Two thoughts flash my mind 1) I should respect myself more. Doing the trip is people pleasing. 2) I am in fact very productive in the train. But this is kinda working accidently, I am hiding my people pleasing side under this excuse.

A friend of mine is celebrating his birthday today. It would be about a 3 hour drive to the place, then about a 3 hour stay and then about 3 hours back. I cant decide if I want to go or not. I kind of dont want to, but I could actually be pretty productive in the train. He was completly understanding if I wouldnt want to go. I have to dedide in the next 5min aaaahh!!

I am fascinated by the ways people can finesse themselves out of a really bad position. I want to find the common patterns accross different activities from sport, fighting, debating, economy, dating, whatever .. so post freely if you have examples.

Maybe thats why people often look for eye contact, things are more connected to their essence there.

Things seem so disconnected from their essence. When people argue about something, they have to do it through their meatsuit, through time and space, through a limited vision, through limited processing power, through a survival agenda. The challenge is to somehow move the original thing through all these practical challenges. How much is getten lost in this way.

Found a new route for a walk. That was good. Thought about some good things.

The mind gets corrupted in two ways. When it doesnt have power and competence it finds excuses and miscredits the powerful. When it has to much power it also gets corrupted because it needs some sort of resistance, its not built to hold together on its own. Will formulate that better at some point. ... Power should be proportional to love.

The artist girl is gonna leave the city. She has a place to become an ergo therapist somewhere else and wants to get kids with her husband as well. Men she is really kinda one of the few people I have feelings for.

I am just sitting on my ass the whole day and cant get up , wtf. Welp I am recovering a bit from yesterday and didnt take medication today but its pretty trippy. In cases like these blocking all access to technology would be magical.

There is an interesting power dynamic between masculinity and femininity. Masculinity which is characterized by an alter ego has more potential to surpress emotions in the moment. But in the end it isnt immune to it and needs feeding. So masculinity can sometimes win a short emotional fight but then loose the war at the whole.

Today an experience I made times and times again repeated. I wasnt really feeling it, not really getting into a social mood. And it felt like someone I am starting to get to know atm didnt even want to befriend me anymore. I felt pretty rejected. So I took some initiative and sat to a girl I was interested. And all of a sudden I was in a super social state. Being brave and possibly also feeling that I dont get everything handed to me. I wonder if there are strategies to get that faster. Like maybe I could deliberately do something I am usually uncomfortable with just to get into a social mood.

On Love True love is love for enemies.

My place for philosophical thoughts and spiritual insights.

I dont know why but its pretty common for me to experience higher consciousness fragments specifically on an afternoon nap. Its hard to describe the experience, its very emotional, very beautiful, out of this world but also much more home. I could melt in it, its like everything good in the world is THAT. Its qualitatively completly different from what I experience throughout the day and its orders of magnitutes better then what I experience on a regular bases. Usually I only experience it for a short while, like a few seconds or even just a spark. Anyone got a clue where this comes from or through which practice you can get more of it if midday naps open me up to it ?

@Ziran When I didnt get enough sleep at night I like to do a midday nap to recharge. That way I can get more done but can still sleep at night. I am a student at the moment so I have a lot of freedom in how I spent my time. That IS a privilege I have atm. But adding more meaning onto it then that feels like a stretch.

I appreciate the honesty I like the dudes outfit, the blue color match well

There are many open source AIs and some of them even run locally on your PC. I dont see how chatgpt and co. can get customer to pay high prices in the future when these alternatives which are almost as good exist.

Lol, why? Yeah that could play a role

Yeah maybe A nap isnt the most relaxing state though, that would be deep sleep. But in a nap your body and mind cools down from working, its still relatively active, you could get going right away. Perhaps that has anything to do with it.