Jannes

Oh men, I needed to talk to my professor today but I just couldnt think straight. All of this videogaming yesterday really showed. Men I forgot what its like, but it was always like that.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

Many people here have adhd. Or well .. maybe I found a bunch because I was looking for them. I am on and off meds for a couple of months now. Its super weird. I feel like having superpowers as soon as I take them but then pretty soon I dont like them anymore and discover my adhd self again. The most I got out of it was making sense of how non adhd people experience the world. Adhd has up and downsides. Personally I am more happy without medication and I kind of like my fate. However when the times calls for it I dont have a problem with taking medication for certain challenges.

I have got a bunch of like energy or willingness to do stuff, simply because I was very active playing pokemon the whole day today. My head hurts a bit. I bet my table tennis skills suffer a lot because of it.

The strategy I used for a bunch of my "light-distractions" was using things that require me to think. Like listening to daily news, chess puzzles etc. In a way it works because it doesnt make me as numb, BUT its not really good for relaxing. I need stuff that doenst require a lot of thinking but also isnt addicting. Mmmhh ..

I think I would strenghten my decision making ability if I found ways to emotionally regulate myself better.

There are times where I genuinely need to relax and need distractive content like Pkmn videos. But this can also be a distraction. I dont want to be the judge for when it is appropriate and when not, I kind of want it automatically blocked when its not good for me and automatically opened when I am allowed.

I have got a light headache. I dont know wether it is coming from playing pokemon or the heat of the summer.

This one girl started hugging me a while back and so at some point I came to her every time to greet her with a hug. Yesterday I was like fuck that, she didnt really seem like she was into that that much the last weeks but then she came hugging me. Stupid status games.

I found out yesterday that Pokemon Champions is available for iOS and Android. Oh no, I really love that but its really hitting on an addiction of mine. Oftentimes I dont even enjoy playing or thinking about the game but I just cant stop. I played for about 2 hours yesterday. I need to be methodical about this, if I can allow myself a little bit or if I should do a hard block.

So what is important in the social context is overcoming fear and feeling seen/ heard.

I kind of need to pin the most important insights, although I probably remember them better.

For some reason socializing went pretty well yesterday. Well I think part of the reason was that I was hanging out with a friend with whom I actually talked a bit about my flirting problem/ problem with seeing to many girls willing to cheat. I didnt quite hit the nail but I hit a bit in the general direction of my problem and that felt good. For me to feel accepted I need to open up. Same thing again and again. I remember when I opened up about the wpmi-girl to the other girl, I also felt a strong boost in acceptance.

Social rules arent truth!

Its my fault that its my fault.

I am fascinated by the ways people can finesse themselves out of a really bad position. I want to find the common patterns accross different activities from sport, fighting, debating, economy, dating, whatever .. so post freely if you have examples.

As long as I dont take actualize my potential/ dont take a high status position in the dating market, I will be a temptation/ seem like someone to grab for someone with less status. Atm I create a lot of confusion. But also, maybe I dont want to operate in this tightly survival negotiated place. It will confuse lots of people though.

Omg, I am not the first one. https://marrieddance.com/ The philosophy behind it : Can Christians use sex toys? Sex toys such as vibrators, dildos, and other marital aids and intimacy products have not been accessible for many married Christian couples for a few reasons. Most stores that sell sex toys also include nudity, pornographic material, and promote activities and beliefs that don’t align with Christian values. Vibrators are also too often portrayed and marketed as masturbation devices instead of marital aids that add spice an intimacy to lovemaking. No wonder so many Christian couples are missing out on the wonderful things marital aids can bring to a marriage! We’re VERY Different MarriedDance is not your typical sex toy store. It’s run by a husband and wife team that sells most of the higher quality vibrators, dildos, personal lubricants, and sex toys for men that other adult shops carry. This shop doesn’t contain nudity or porn, and its product descriptions are marriage-centered and include helpful information that suggests how each item can be used to add intimacy during foreplay or while making love. Our Beliefs We believe God gave the gift of sex to married couples to enjoy together in an intimate, unique way only they can experience. Most couples never think twice about using lube to counteract vaginal dryness or enhance sexual intercourse. We believe sex toys can be used to improve intimacy during lovemaking just like lubricants do, and we describe how throughout this store. Our large, diverse selection of marriage toys includes something for every couple’s intimacy needs.

Christianity approved sex toys - naughtiness to this extend is allowed without shame ! What a start up idea !!

I like these. I just couldnt do them which isnt fun

I am kind of passionate about creating trainings spaces.

When I talked with a girl a few days ago I noticed the one time she kind of got close physically with me which was when I was in a super careless fun state. Its almost selfish to want to be in that state, at least I feel like its very much about me in that state. I can remember very well though that this specific state is the key, its only a question of how to access it. Well it has to do with daring. Doing something I am scared to do.

Just had a late night RV session today and it was pretty good. I just felt so peaceful and could actually stand the present moment which made it workable.