Jannes

I wonder what the current stalling about AI is about with the big players. They say its for safety reasons, which could very well be the case. But maybe moreso they want to keep the dream of AGI. "We could have AGI, it would simply be too dangerous to create."

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

I had such a weird ass dreams today. Well I dreamed that I remembered something like a dream or a memory. Like I had the dream that I had a dream of something and that I couldnt figure out if that (in the dream) was a dream or an actual memory. In that dream (in the dream) I was going through some super dark cave. You couldnt see in it with your bare eyes. But because I was kind of mental I just wanked it and got through it. At the other side I was at some super secred dark place, with many levels. And I think I arranged something with some people there. My secret dark side activities lol. And all of that seemed like something the girl I had problems with at the social spot noticed. And then afterwards I remembered that i threw apples at a girl in the old theatre club which I didnt like. Also yelled at her and stuff. And then I remembered that the inner space of my apartment complex had some kind of giant celebration and party going on. And that everyone at the inner balcony was looking at it. With even people getting on my balcony or looking inside which I hated for privacy reasons. These dreams felt so real lol, when I was barely awake I still thought about that I might have a double personality which just barely notices what the other side is doing. Well I have new material for contemplation now..

I kind of wanted to talk with him about my old theatre club situation. Well that got a lot more difficult now.

I want peace in the moment back. Nanmaste Nanmaste doesnt fit here but I want to

After impro I met the new girlfriend of my friend. She seems super cool and confident. I connected with her over barefoot shoes though and it felt like we almost connected to well. I kinda wanted to get out of the situation but it was kind of locked, as she opened up a lot to talk. Little did she know that his last gf was interested in me which could trigger him. In the end I also stayed longer with them then I needed. I walked with the usual path with my friend. There was a moment where I felt like it could be the moment to go and leave them but I wasnt sure. Then it got just a little akward. Listening to your feelings is mandatory of navigating social terrain.

Took my Kinecteen (slow working medicinet) today again. I must admit I kind of feared not getting my shit done today without it. And in all honesty it probably helped with sending my university stuff, at impro and so on. But I always feel so pushed. If I dont have an exciting project or difficult task to focus on I am at such unease. I will definitely stop tomorrow. Will be good to really rest and relax. I just hope I wont have too little energy. Well a little caffeine could do the trick for the time in between, its way less potent then kinecteen.

I had a dream tonight that I was sexual with my trans friend. What a mindfuck. A wrote how I noticed how she was building some careful body contact that almost went into a seuxal direction which I said I wasnt comfortable with. And now it seems like she got her dick made into a vagina. ... I dont know what that dream means. She is one of the people I feel most close to and its very difficult for me to feel close to someone, there is also some transphobia in me and I also have some sexual gay-ish thoughts sometimes which I also cant really make sense of. All of that muddles the truth, either by the deep need to get something or phobia which pushes me away. Is it okay to just dont know? To simply cant make sense of it? Well some would say I am connecting to the deepest wisdom there.

Actually the wood seems to be okay. I asked a table tennis friend about it. I just dont know how unpolished wood looks like lol.

Holy shit this is annoying. So my table tennis blade just arrived today. I was so thrilled. It looked good at first glance. An hour later when my system woke up I realized how fucked up it was. Small cracks covering the whole blade. This is what happens when it isnt sealed. And she biggest shit is on saturday morning, half sleeping, I accidently clicked that the package already arrived when I just wanted to see where its at atm. And that put a timer on me to check if the product is good or not. And that timer went out an hour before I realized the shitty condition. Sometimes stupid blunders can make you furious. Thats not how I wanted to start my after housewriting phase. I dont know what to do with that wood now. If I seal it now I would fill the cracks which is bad.

So much stress fell off my shoulders yesterday night with the realization that I was done with all the task.

Has my writing become more beautiful? Kind of looks like it from the previous one. Could also be the medication, without them my mind is very fuzzy.

Also did that. The biggest task now is actually to get to sleep in time lol. I need to get to the secretary in time. Oh and I get my table tennis wood together, perfect timing. Also I think I want further tasks afterwards or I will fall into a hole. I want to go to a hairdresser with professional consultation and look for a place for ergotheraphy. Oh not speaking of needing a job, needing an internship, needing to register for new semester, wanting to work on my table tennis wood ... Perfect a lot to do to always keep my mind busy from realizing spiritual truths. Lol, jokes aside, having lots to do is actually kind of comforting, how interesting. The jokes are all so real.

Everything done. All I can do today is sent the digital versions. Tomorrow I have got to print it and sent the physical versions as well. So I would commit when I sent the digital versions now. But I feel like for my mental health its, I am not going to oversee the stuff tomorrow anyway I think.. Welp .. Maybe I prepare everything so far that the hurdle to sent it is basically zero. I can do that. I will prepare the email and everything.

Aight I need the right title. Thats .. doable

I did it, I think... now I only need the finishing touches like signature and stuff. Sometimes people stop right before they get it. I feel a bit of that vibe coming.

Really hard to get new thoughts. Thats interesting, maybe I am exceeding my mental capacities. The one before was pretty effortless, now I am struggling.

Huh ... lol

Wrote about 1,5 pages. Need one more idea to write about. One more spark and I am done.

Does the us specific stupidity come from its enormous wealth and resources? Like they dont have enough survival pressure to ground them in reality? Well thats quite a statement with little evidence.

hmm when I have a spark and am in the. writing process its pretty fun and effortless. I jsut need to strt doing shit. .. men my bluetooth keyboard is kinda shit

It would be so cool to get the last one done today. I am kind of counting on that, planning my day for tomorrow that way... I dont have many fresh ideas though.. lets see maybe I can find something.

25th of april 1945 in germany when us and sovjet soldiers meet for the first time. You know what sucks? I bet the moment was great for an hour or so but then faded away into not being that spectacular. Even the peak was probably mild. You get something so incredible on the table, yet the human psyche cant take it all in. Well thats my assesment at least. They should have been on psychedelics.

Huh I am almot finished with the first protocoll. It was exactly how I imagined how it could work, I just had an intellectual impulse/ curiosity and followed through on that resulting in 2,5 sites of discourse. That fresh impulse cant be forced though.

Wow now thats a problem, I cant open a study for my university work because in the title is "video" because of video games. Damn ..