Jannes

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Everything posted by Jannes

  1. Maybe I should run to places and that let it go when I am there..
  2. I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf
  3. I am functional but not really happy on adhd medication. I feel like I am constantly on the run.
  4. She just ate a banana, I cant ...
  5. I have giant dark circles around my eyes, people will probably tell me I look worked up.
  6. God she is hot. Wearing just a white shirt with underwear. And my camera doesnt reveal when I look into the rv lounge.. which was originally inended to reduce akwardness which is a tiny bit creepy but in this scenario makes it a lot more creepy. Hmm I wonder if she ever gets the feeling that she is uninteresting when I seem to look away all the time. I am the only other person in the launge who has a turned on camera. At least that makes me uncreepy. I wish there was an obligation to turn on your camera.
  7. I am still thinking about the old theatre club like every single day. And it makes me feel hurt and angry every time. Gosh I feel like I need a romance to wash it all away.
  8. Got an artist in my RV group right now. Cant tell if she is feeling herself or if she is pretending to feel herself. Mmmh what a negative tone of mine..
  9. Cutting hair from the middle of my head looks good though, an improvement for sure. The big thing is the pony, which is hard to style ofc. Lol even 10 years back I had a bad pony. I wanted a kind of cool look which looked like I didnt put much effort in. Well I succeeded in the second part. Going to the hairdresser will be a treat. I need to find a new one though and tell them that I need inspiration for cutting my own hair which I dont know how it will be perceived...
  10. I started to tune into Headspace for a change, they got nice beats to focus to, better then my chill music. Although that right now could be a little better.
  11. Oh men, the medication pushes me so much, its very bad for sleep and recovering. Could get much sleep tonight, I woke up after 4 hours and with medication it wont get better.
  12. In a district in germany a far right party has probably won and will govern that district which is historic as it didnt happen since 1945 I think. Fuck me. In the podcast that covered it the women had such a put on or maybe put on sad/ suffering voice.
  13. I am in a bit of a crisis. Because I see myself now everyday in the RV group I become awfull aware of my bad haircut. Yes its actually a bad haircut damnit. I need to get to the hairdresser again and learn some skills. I just thought myself that I need to cut the hair in the middle of the head otherwise those hairs will just fall randomly to the sides, I dont need them for a pony.
  14. Frank Yang playing table tennis lolz The weird intense view match
  15. Oh no, I want to watch more table tennis video now. I opened a bag of chips..
  16. For some reasons I just remember moments of violence in my life, particularily from an old boxing club I went to. The leader there made a group punishment in accidently kicked me in the liver. Well I think it was an accident at least. But I feel on the floor like a dead fish gasping. I pushed through minute or so later. Another time we were "hardening each other up", giving each other slaps in the face. I had a partner who really enjoyed the shit out of it. I didnt get it and didnt do a much which didnt stop him though. In the end he even had a bit of blood on this had from all the slaps which got through the skin. But I just pushed through the training session. It was the last time I ever went there though. Men I feel so dumb looking back. I could have just went away. Especially for the second one, the peer pressure on the second one was probably really strong. What kept me was my masculine ideal, here I say it THE PATRIACHY!! Smoartening up from all the university stuff I am doing atm lol.
  17. One thing I completly forgot is that I am comming from west germany and now live in east germany. East germany is not as developed as west germany. So that makes me less aware of the current state of develoment in my local area and other people also less aware about my development. When I dont make my development clear, which I am unlikely to do because I havent yet realized that it can lead to miscommunication, some of the points I make can seem like they are from a less developed state. I might imply some basic knowledge on some things which are still contested where I am. Maybe I am overinterprating some things here, but this basic dynamic exist to some extend, I just have no idea how much.
  18. I hink I need to get outside for the last hour of so with sunlight. Would feel really unhealthy not to.
  19. The gym is a great place to be. Yesterday I felt my central nervous system being overwhelmed a couple of times as I havent trained as much as I used to. But there are always some kind of hot girls there. I still bothers me that the one time I chatted up this one girl I havent followed t up with a second girl there who was super hot and kind of looked at me invitational. I thought I should be a gentlemen, taling up the next girl a few minutes in between would loose me status points. Well not totally wrong but also I just turned it into a truth in the heat (and fear) of the moment.
  20. What is interesting, the last couple of days I was pretty happy on my own. Yesterday night as well. I only became unhappy when I felt the need to share those jokes on WhatsApp. They could have been my own source of happiness but I shared them and didnt get anything back. Well I also shared them with the girl I was/ am dating atm to keep us warm.
  21. I feel like I am in a suttle stream of shame the last couple of days. The WhatsApp message to the whole group is one part of it. It triggers a ton of shame for some reason. And posting that to like 6 Whats App friends I know also triggers a bunch of shame. I think what I have to do is distinguish between triggers from my past and whats actually going on.
  22. The game actually wasnt that entertaining even though its recommended as one of the best matches to watch.
  23. Downloaded the video and watched the whole thing even though today is dedicated university work. Feel like I stufed myself with the reward before doing the work.. well I dont really do rewards, I feel like they dont really work with on me.
  24. A mostly defensive backhand is interesting but no, I want to regularely do backhand topspins I feel like.