Jannes

I feel a bit of a sense of being "caught". I am swimming in my uncomfort zone and noticing my (partially overblown) emotions cold. In other words I am feeling some Ouchie Ouchies at their root.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

I still feel pretty overwhelmed from yesterday. She wrote me back that she found the date sweet as well and would like to meet again as well. I dont know, I dont FEEL the vibe right now. But it could be one of these situations where later I regret not taking the opportunity.

I couldnt storno the package anymore so the one on the left got shipped. So I thought I at least try it before shpping it back. And actually its perfect. From the front it doesnt look back and when I turn it 180 degress, my god the convenience. All my cables behind the desk. And for future operations I am open to turn it around again to fit my new space. The best product I could have bought and that were my thoughts as well. Weird I could have trusted my decision making there more maybe.

In some romantic context I often had this super strong emotional fight IS SHE THE ONE AND ONLY OR NOT !? What the hell is that...

I am so so scared from a freaking date (the potential of connection afterwards), what the hell !? Seems like I am going in the right direction.

So first off I was scared to go and interestingly memories from negative memories off my past in the romantic context came up. So dating or romantic feeling are definitely strongly linked to bad memories which is one of the reasons I dont engage in them that much. The date itself went okay, it felt a bit forced at times like we actually went out on kind of a date date, but it wasnt really casual low pressure. It was cool with her but it didnt lift up. Afterwards a friend came around and he got the full story. He got me to write her that I wrote a message that I liked out meeting and would like to meet her again. I felt the full rainbow of resistance feelings, asking her out for a second meeting felt so hardcore. I am definitely in a full fear zone, very much out of my comfort.

Oh dear diary, there is so much to talk about

Maybe I just cancel my payment and take the one I want when I am clearheaded.

Today at impro I realized how I just talk more and more with less filter. I open up more about my personal life and dont care as much how it is perceived. ... Nice!

I hate decision making

Not sure anymore, the first one looks a bit retro and grounded and the second one a bit wannabe cool and maybe that looses its charme after some time. But the second one allows more place on the desk.

I am really nervous for tomorrow. When I am honest with myself I really opened up the possibility of committing to someone when really I have very little idea if we actually match. She could be a total psychological mess from what I know.

The one on the right looks way better RIGHT!?

I just bought such a thing on amazon but I made the decision too fast, I wanted to get the decision off my chest but maybe that wasnt the way. Functionally I by far the best fit, I can turn the thing 180 degress such that the electric sockets turn away from my table. I have got a few cables which I can connect and the cables would stay completly off and away from my table that way .. wait I could also just turn the port away from the table with every other multi electric adapter ... am I like stupid . Okay that ends the debate in my head lol. I was gonna say its functionally the best BUT design wise its flawed. It looks like an ugly brick when you turn it around and I put a lot of care to make my desk look cool. ... If I dont turn it around 180 degress it looks okay but not as good as one other that way my favourite immediately. So do I sent it back and get the other one... FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

Meh cant get myself to do much. But to be honest with myself I havent done a whole lot of university work in the last months as well so my skills arent what they used to be. I need a break. I think I go to the gym lol, but its good to get moving, I was kinda craving that.

Body doubling kinda seems to work .. kinda. I get a toe into my university stuff at least. Maybe the combination of body doubling and medication is the killer hmmm...

Oh wow you can screw electric sockets on your desk I completly missed that. Makes a fine addition to my very minimalistic and orderly working space. I would also highly benefit from a bluetooth mouse and keyboard, but for the mouse you need a smooth underground anyway, what a hassle every time.

I am so hyped about the new chinese rubber I bought for experimentation. Traditional chinese rubbers are harder and have less catapult but you can get the same and more spin if you play very active. My soft european tensor felt a bit like a crutch so I am very eager to try the chinese one out. Perhaps its more hype then anything else but perhaps not.

I remember all the positive experiences I had with body doubling, I need to make it work again. Found a first solution now I jump with two discord accounts into the RV group, my iPad for the camera and my laptop for the screen. It kinda seems to work. Holy shit this little tweaks for my compensation strategies mean life and death (almost)

Even medications couldnt bring me to do a whole lot.

I cant get myself to do the university work, its so shitty. You kind of have to make it enjoyable for yourself I think, otherwise well .. you just aint gonna do it. But I dont know what I can do to make it more enjoyable for me... well maybe that should be my contemplation now.

I found heaven, its finland

I need a new setup for body doubling though. I want one where I dont look directly into the camera if I want to see other people. I look like I stare (which I do) but I feel like it would make people uncomfortable so I dont do it as often but that robs me from getting the full effect. There is only so much I can do with my old iPad 6 though

Oh thats great to hear! I am always in a group so I dont have a partner but I tried 1 on 1 before and I found it can be very effective.