Jannes

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Everything posted by Jannes

  1. Nevermind that is blockable as well.
  2. I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf
  3. Oh no, some videos I can still watch when they are embedded. I dont know why. This is super critical, I really want to make not watching videos my default.
  4. A friend of mine just kicked his gf out of 2 whatsapp groups and left a group where she is in himself. Seems like they just broke up. I dont think thats a stretch, but I will get the news anyway She was sexually interested in me and willing to cheat on him but that was months ago. The dopamine fast made it so that I was more willing to connect, to him as well. And he was just on a festival this weekend. And he wanted to talk to me he said a few hours ago and maybe 2 hours later he kicked her out of the groups. He just had a profile pic with her a few days ago, so I thought things would get serious and they would maybe get kids. Holy moly
  5. If spirituality is the opposite of survival but through survival pressure you find strategies to find a partner, it makes so much sense that the best relationships form out of accidents as they were built without so much survival pressure.
  6. I am taking that I got ghosted today pretty lightly. Maybe that wrong. Well I dont know ..
  7. I am blasting my friends with messages. Holy shit, the youtube embedding block really has an affect. .. I just read through a message I got from someone I know about 2 years ago. He basically says he wants to hang out with me and I twist it in a way to make it seem like he needed my help for some kind of work. It doesnt even make sense but I think my mind simply couldnt fathom that I am likeable. Its actually not the first time this happened, it happened plenty of times. Lol I remember when a girl in a very sexual club which I was interested in literally stroke my balls and I just couldnt really make sense of it in that moment. So many moments literally.
  8. One thing that made remote viewing uncomfortable wasnt remote viewing at all, it was just the fact that I needed to be conscious in a low stimulation environement. I am much more comfortable doing remote viewing now. Holy shit how could I live like this all this time ..
  9. Ah okay now it doesnt feel as healthy anymore, was wondering if that was valid. ... It was kind of psychological terror in a way, she kind of ghosted me and then when we worked together loudly called everybody on her phone. And then in her body language she was somestimes super sexual when expressing herself.
  10. A nap with chilling music did it for me. In so many cases I am simply tired and need rest and some distraction from that reality.
  11. I cant think straight. Its a weird mix of tiredness and something else. I would love to indulge in easy dopamin activities really hard now.
  12. I worked with a co-student of mine just now and its exhausting, she is constantly chatting on her phone and I havent slept well. Couldnt think at all. Need a break.
  13. A new insight just hit me. I am a nobody -- in the least self depriving way possible. Or even if I were someone I wouldnt be.
  14. I am fascinated by the ways people can finesse themselves out of a really bad position. I want to find the common patterns accross different activities from sport, fighting, debating, economy, dating, whatever .. so post freely if you have examples.
  15. I am full of rage right now, what the hell. I wonder if numbing myself with easy dopamine surpressed that all this time.
  16. Men I feel toasted. I was out about 5-6 hours yesterday socially yapping my ass off. It was nice but also kind of exhausting.
  17. It could be partially placebo but I really feel like I was acting much more confident then usual. Its really about the reduced free dopamine source. .. I also got more done.
  18. When I loose video games and youtube, its not so easy to answer what I am going to do if I dont have anything to do. So a made a mind map. (watt nu? translates to what now? )
  19. Germany just got kicked out of the WM. I actually feel kinda sad about it which surprises me.
  20. Oh no, I just realized that a good chunk of how I imagine a good life is through the lense of apple products. On a trip I also imagined a good social life through the lense of an IKEA catalogue, so nothing unique about apple.
  21. What is interesting is that the good life that I imagine never has anything to do with mindless consumption, I always imagine myself in a creative process. But then practically that feels too hard. Well ... what does that mean? Is the version I have of myself correct and I simply need to catch up to that practically? Does it mean I need to account for real life?
  22. Completly blocking embedded videos makes a huge difference holy shit. Its really weird atm, I am so used to mindlessly consuming stuff that I have little strategies on what to actually do when everything is blocked. I also noticed that I seem more quick in my thinking and more confident. When free dopamine isnt available you are more willing to get it elsewhere. Like when your brain thinks you are doing survival when playing video games easy peasy then why would it pour resources into socializing which is risky. I noticed this before as well when I quit video games and its interesting that it also works when I block youtube.