Jannes

Cool I put like 12 books in a box for about 40 euros. Thats enough for a second table tennis wood.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

In my RV practice today I started to mix my guided technique with my own technique. I used a point to focus but then got the guidance when I should view. I feel like I must have mixed those together at some point but interestingly it felt kinda new and good. Maybe because awareness is simply completly diffeent because of medication idk.

Almost as genius as only allowing myself a little sweet when I am directly in the grocery store. No sweets stored at home but I get the whole choice of ice cream, chocolate bars, gums so there is never a huge craving.

I am thinking so much about which table tennis equipment to buy atm but think about every euro.. But I just realized that especilly for the blades that can just be sold again. It just takes a little effort. And there is also stuff that I own that I could sell on ebay right now. This could be a new strategy, whenever I want something I just need to make that money with selling stuff first. That can be beneficial on two fronts, one I am much more free to buy stuff and second I get rid of old clutter. Its a win win.

Whats interesting is that (because of adhd) I am pretty transparent in my body language. So it isnt that much the case that other people are way more active in providing me with actions which are required (like when I want a hug or sth.) because I warm them up into it, its pretty easy for them. So that balances things out a bit ... I feel like I have got an insight on my tongue which I cant quite get.

The proud girl came back after a bit of a break. I have to be honest I do have some feelings for her. I think she is 19 though which is pretty young. I just had this inner realization today or that inner growing of a process that I actually want someone older in a relationship and was about to put charakter and charisma a bit over physical looks. That seems to be the voice of truth .. or is it? Anyway I would probably make an exception for her.

I wrote a message in the WhatsApp group of my tabletennis social spot in which I established a digital notice board where we can buy and sell table tennis equipment. I felt all kind of emotions before I wrote the message, like that it make me seem pretty cheap perhaps. I dont know it feels weird, putting myself in the centre like that. There are 100 people in the group.

I had one hell of an insightful dream when I took a nap this morning. I dreamt that I just woke up when I could see someone getting in my apartment through the balcony. It was the leader of my old theatre club. I could barely open my eyes or see clearly. I sat down to let my system activate. He was very calm and a bit funny about it with a big smile. I actually want his love. Wow. How he managed to sneak in (which was a question in the dream as well) and what that means I have no idea. Maybe the situation on the festival go reused. Interestingly I was also in kind of a vulnerable state at the festival, not knowing anybody and he was a bit like home there... he knew me in very vulnerable states...

I am taking the medicinet medication again. Gosh it feels so so much better then elvanse. I am not like an emotionally dull robot anymore whohoo!

If a first world country got bombed to the ground with all inventions gone and a new rebuilding phase characterized by strong physical labour and war with other surviving groups over leftover resources, I bet traditional gender roles would come right back. Gender roles are survival strategy. Masculinity and femininty are still needed, but the world got so much more comfy, men arent required to be traditionally masculine.. well at least not all of them. If less wee, that would be probably for the better .. well thats why men are praised for crying..

Had a meeting with my RV trainer today.. I was really not looking forward to it but I felt like I needed to do it. Well the new tipp is actually not that my focus is bad although it can probably be improved, its that the moment I ask the target I go into my head. Yeah lol I kinda forgot about it/ didnt put that much effort into it, I put it all into creating the best focus.

to delete stuff from my iPad to download the next update and in such of big blocks of memory storage I found an old video of mine where I recorded team fortress 2. Completly missed that block for some reason. As the addict that I am I instanly watched the whole 30 mins and it was really interesting to watch. My main mistake all the time was playing way way to agressively. Chasing frags without valuing my life. Like half the kills I could have gotten simply by positioning myself well and with good good spam. However there was sone moment that caught my attention. It was a super critical moment where I was caught between enemy players behind their lines and my decision making was top notch even though my mechanics were a little lackluster.

(from inside playdead)

My old theatre club put 2 more events on its page. It aint completly dead I feel happy about it .. huh Well thats my first emotional reaction at least

Okay she still didnt write me back. I cant help but not make any early assumptions, thats just how my brain is wired.

I think when I am honest with myself I probably realize that we didnt vibe that well. When I am honest with myself that is ..

Asked her if she likes billiard about 6 hours ago and she didnt reply yet. Nnnghh .. thats not a good sign at all. STOP I am overthinking this.

I was emotionally not really about what to do with my last date. Our first date wasnt a perfect match but somehow the onlynext date I could think of was cooking at my spot which is quite intimate and risky if it doesnt go well and I want to keep a nice connection with her afterwards. I dont think she asked me out to smash with me so a quick nut would be the wrong direction + its not actually what I really crave, I want connection as well. Just got the perfect idea, BILLIARD!! Its fun, light and not to intimate. Well if she is interested in it ofc. But in suggesting that I give a good direction.

I bet I said this just to flatter myself/ feet my spiritual ego.

My distrust in the stories of my own mind is really something lol ..

I wonder if all of this table tennis optimization really does me any good. Table tennis is not really survival for me, I do it for fun. Yet I turn it into a survival thing and take fun out of it I think. With my bad table tennis bat, table tennis was already pretty fun, I was just so limited in what I could do. Thats all. I have got all the materials to learn all the new shit I always wanted now. Planning a new bat is kind of fun but also painful in a way. I am passionate about it, "thrilled", "activated" , but also not really at peace I feel like. Idk Probably a developmental thing. Maybe I have more things to say about it later. Its weird, I may be in a lot of joy if I just put the cheap rubbers (with which I can learn all the new techniques) on my blade .. or maybe I am fooling myself with the next thing (camouflaged as a step back).

That the other person is intellectually curious seems to be a requirement for a partner of mine. I feel at home whhen I can philosophize and share my thoughts and when the other person can catch them and can give me new impulses. Not sure about how the exact dynamic like I dont think that I would be super interested with a debate partner ... but whats important is the ability to catch my thoughts and some sort of interest.

Like you need to accept that you are gonna hurt some people just by trying things out and learning. Going on a second date with someone to see if you match with them and then not wanting anything afterwards is perfectly okay, even if the other person feels rejected or feels like you wasted their time on them.. RIGHT!? How else are you gonna find out.

Had something like a date in the train yesterday. I talked to someone who also feared not catching their next bus and with that we chatted for about 2 hours or so. I stopped myself a bit though because I wanted to meet the other girl for a second date so this didnt feel that right. I think moral escapement has a really tight grip on me and may be the source of a lot of my problems.