Jannes

Well there was already lots of back and forth so after all of this I am implying that I dont know if he is a scammer or not so that isnt nice. On the other hand doubt must be something he faces regularely so that was a Red Flag of him.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

The 5 - 190 Euro range wouldnt be a problem though as after 10 weeks you get into the 50 Euro range. In case that will be relevant.

My RV trainer responded. He seems pissed. Terrible sign.

What a story to wake up to.

I dont even know what I did today but somehow its night and I gotta sleep.

This would go to Off-Topic btw.

My old bike dealer had a physical calender with nakes girls as the poster so you could see it openly. Quite liked that. It had an authentic charm. It fit because he was a really nice guy.

This makes me emotional.

sex-positivity

I have largely outgrown my gymrat phase but somehow this stayed with me as it just flashed my memory. This is an interesting intersection. Ego meets non ego. Masculinity integrates femininity. Survival meets non survival. Mind meets artistic expression from the heart. Edit -- same vibe:

Well yeah, you are in the midst of other well trained, somewhat naked, sweaty dudes. So in a sense you enter some kind of intimacy. But its generally handled in a sort of brotherhoody way, that sort of intimacy isnt connected to sexual thoughts I think. And this wouldnt be unique to BB, think of the soccer team taking a shower after a game or some naked people withing close with nature, is that all gay? I think its homophobia in some sense. Either A: you arent gay, so why would you care to long at another guys schlong. B: you are gay, so good for you.

I am doubting RV a lot right now. And it sabotages my practice. I wrote my trainer if he could provide evidence that RV works and that people pay for it and he hasnt answered yet. Well its sunday, but I feel a sense of unease as long as I dont have an answer.

Damn thats crazy. Would also be interested to see one of them in real life, its always different in person. Yeah body dismorphia is widespread and you also unlearn intuitive eating from all the regiment. There is really nothing healthy about it at the high level. And even if you want to archieve being as jacked as possible, thats such an immature goal, like fundamentally nothing is accomplished there I feel like. Although you can say that about most sports.

Mmmh you can do it in a healthy way which makes you age more gracefully. You need to really overtrain and take stupid shit to fuck your body up I feel like. I want to be that grandpa who can still squat, imagine the extra life quality. Whoa, you mind sharing some stories?

What I dont really want to admit to myself is that I am not really comfortable with my social circle at the clubs in my city. Simply because its a status mismatch. I am way more attractive then most of them. Well and connected to that a vibe mismatch. I was wondering why I couldnt get into it but when I am really honest with myself, I just dont think of them as longterm friends. So being around them doesnt open me up to growth. Its different to other friend groups and people. I would like to be friends with them but I dont think its fully possible. Generally people with matching looks vibe together. Its so ugly to swallow.

1 + 1 = 2 is groupthink. But thats not bad conformity. Bad conformity would be to buy into the math culture, to believe in rationalist superiority etc.

My dad lol

The message is mostly on point though, he directly tackles a huge spiritual fantasy. Leos teaching style also changed quite a bit, he didnt embrace the reality of what it means to be human in this world. So for the time this critique was even more on point.

What happened to Nilsi btw?

Its a neseccary building block. But if your a cop or trooper for example and your survival agenda is so deeply mixed with being this bulding block, I think unconformist thinking becomes very hard.

Spent time just by myself which was really needed. Finally did some things which were important to me. When I was going to bed I was catching the feeling I got when I was a bit uncomfortable about the cuddle, the whole emotional body. Is that the real me? How do I access this part of myself? How do I nurture it? What does that part of myself want? Is this the self I need to navigate while everything else is me trying to avoid reality? I didnt get any real answers though. I was dreaming about playing in a soccer team. I actually really like soccer, in school I was just always less competent as all the other kids who trained more. I had a moment when I talked with a classmate about wanting to join a team, maybe as a goalkeeper. So many emotions came up back then, not really about the sport, but about the perceived sense of connection, of being part of something. I missed so much of that all my life. I wonder how it can be so natural for people to feel a sense of connection, well many had all this going on. Its so easy to socialize, if I just knew that back in the day. Could have joined a youth club. Hell in high school people even asked me. I think it was just too much to handle for me or I felt unworthy. Forgive me and forgive myself

Its interesting, I wasnt ever that insecure about it before until recently when I read that penis size actually does play more of a role then I thought in bed and women like a penis a bit above average in one night stands. I am on the lower end of average so its not catastrophic. But this insecurity has somehow really settled in my mind like a virus. Some friends wanted to go to the sauna and I didnt go with them because I was afraid .. well at least I still shower in the shower in the gym. I had sexual success before, a f+ who really wanted me so that validation kept things in check I think but I wasnt that sexually the last year so doubts creep in. I am kind of ashamed that this insecurity even exists, I feel like I should be over this kind of shit but I am not. How to shake off the insecurity?