Jannes

TRIGGER WARNING: If you are mentally/ emotionally unstable and dont want to get deeply Blackpilled by the reality of dating dont read this thread. .. I think I started a thread like this years ago and then a second time maybe a year later. I felt it triggered a lot of people and most people each time dismissed my acutal problem. The problem is truly that it is almost impossible to talk about because its very uncomfortable to talk about and very very ego heavy. Even now while I suffer from it I also cant help but feel my ego getting involved in this. You know when you truly authentically want to write down a problem and while you are at it you feel your ego shadow lingering over your shoulder like an uninvited visitor smirking over this and there is no thought of pushing him away, he is deeply grounded in this. Survival is truly bigger then me on this one. With that said and with improvement of my articulation of the problem I am hoping that its different this time around. So I have/ had the problem that because I have adhd and was emotionally very unstable I often looked for other people as ankers to stabilize me. This is a common thing for adhd folks. It unconsciously manifests itself in a way that I put much attention to that person. Generally new people are more stimulating and stabilizing. This often came across as flirting. Because I am also quite good looking I am/ was quite successful at "flirting", even though that wasnt my intention. My ego would like to hear that I am the men being this succesful but there was zero skill involved, it was completly accidental. Already took me a lot of time and suffering to accept that .. On my unintentional flirting spree I saw so much bullshit though, many girls willing to cheat with me on their boyfriends. Nice, lovely girls which you would never expect it from. At least not me. For many of them I developed feelings as well but just surpressed them because I would never cheat. I am in a situation now where I am really searching for feelings and connection. Sex without feelings doesnt really interest me. The problem is that I have developed such a negative picture of most women as people who would heartlessly drop their bf or cheat when a better option comes around. Much trust is just wiped away from direct experience. I dont have any clever sorting mechanism to select girls that dont cheat and I dont think this is possible to the degree that I am satisfied with. But this brings me to the question of how can I reform the picture of women that I have in my head so that I can love them again? I am even considering going back to the girls who would have cheated with me (who dont have a bf right now) because realistically it doesnt get better anyway. And how can I go about the fear that I could get cheated on myself?

I had so much charisma when I entered the room today, after I socialized 1 on 1 before. its incredible.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

I am just filled with positive emotions. How could I forget that meeting people 1 on 1 is so important to my wellbeing .. Also it recontextualizes a few things, when I met my friend once and felt so good afterwards, it wasnt totally just because of him, it was just the 1 on 1 situation itself. And today I was with a trans person and I enjoyed that. So I guess my transphobia is somewhat in check.

Oh okay -- all good.

NO, I dont subscripe to any toxic manosphere. Its my own experience only. But I like to hear that from other peoples perspective this sounds unusual, which makes me think that my perspective is partially limited.

Men I had a great evening today. Finally it was pretty fun again. I completly forgot that it was a blast sometimes, it felt so challening the last couple times. I went with a friend to another spot before with a few strangers and I feel like that really warmed me up. All of my problems of how to greet people were gone like that. Holy moly. And it seems like I got some kind of love letter. Hard to tell, in my storage room I saw a piece of paper. I didnt see it falling out of my Jeans but there is no way someone got in there without a key so I guess I didnt notice how it fell out of my pocket. It just says "... Weil DU ❣️da bist! with a flower on the side.

I am hearing that it is all biological

What I dont like about this video is the focus on biology. Its important yes, but it also gives explanation for why women would happily go for casual sex now. "Just sleep with Chad and get child support and get an ugly Cuck bf and you maximized your genetics."

This is counterintuitive, when women say they want casual sex and men ask them for more then that is a much deeper bond then if they were forced to commit to a relationship if they wanted sex. So even if women want a relationship, for it to be healthy the attitude to get it might need to be more free.

Seems very solid so far but a bit old ?

Its been a long time. I was more cringe in my memory then I actually was. Ofc pretty misguided still.

Thats the thing, I was insane for not letting her cheat. I was basically accepting serious emotional pain, being alone without anyone holding me. Which I got. And I only made this decision because of some inner spiritual compass which guided me towards truth. Afterwards it became effortless, but building that muscle was insane. I have adhd, so much of it is genetic unfortunately.

Thats beautiful and poetic in a way. Can relate.

I was always a feminist in my bones, thought they were the more ethical gender. I was always more comfortable around women, when men played ego games, women had emotional depth and maturity. I vibed more with them. When I first made the experience that a women would cheat with me or replace their bf with me I thought it was a rare case. She must have been in a toxic relationship, at a bad place emotionally, something like this ... so I could maintain my positive view of women. But this positive view of women I tried to maintain got broken again and again and again as I made more experiences to the point that I cant even picture a women who wouldnt cheat or replace her bf when the opportunity is great enough. I know ONE girl with such a character and I would marry her if she was my type physically. For my mental health I am biased towards seeing women as pure angels lol. Not saying women just jump off the moment a better opportunity arises, but only because it takes a lot of time to built a relationship so the cost is too high oftentimes.

I opened up youtube a bit for entertainment and its starting to make a bad turn. I just cant controll myself in watching "good" content, I just start binging at some point and also dont consider doing anything else as long as I can distract myself. There are two components neccissary for healthy habits though, one the Youtube block as a push, but I also need a pull, some kind of motivation to do something else. Right now RV and studying feels like the right thing to experiment with, I am a bit disconnected from spiritual work and I socialize. It feels like something is missing though. I actually miss some kind of job honestly, something that gives me structure. A part time job would be nice. I kind of dont want to go back at working at the grocery store though, partially because I feel older now and already had the status of a teacher once. But the grocery store was nice. Well no it was shit, but I enjoyed my free time more because of it and also processed so many emotions doing monotone tasks.

Sounds good in theory, what are some actual recipes though? If you wanna get that protein you gotta consume a lot of it.

This guys thumbnails always remind me that things are so much cooler in fantasy then in practice. When he sits there in his made bed having this image in mind is so much nicer then his actual first person perspective of mud and darkness. Of course he could have made it a nicer home, there is lots of room for improvement but then the fantasy of that place rises with it. I feel like how it is in fantasy will always trump how it is in practice. ... Is being lost in video game fantasy the way to go ? 🤪

I like Open Source projects, they are something good humanity did. I also always thought about sort of extending that to community farm projects where people create self sustaining systems powered by AI, farming crops and all that and sharing their knowledge. The question is just how far you can you go with creative intelligence and a 3D printer. It inspires me when I look at Minecraft Farms who are just built for fun. I imagine a bunch of Minecraft Bros after highschool who dont want to go to work be like, "Hey why dont we create an AI farm for real". This could be an important element. Leaving society seems scary though.

I am kind of off track with my spiritual work. And I completly forgot that it may be possible to get 5meo malt. Magic Truffles dont really work on me anymore for soft theuropeutic work, but I havent yet experienced God realization.

Met my doctor for adhd today. I didnt come with notes. I mentioned my social problems again and she mentioned that she would be willing to help if I wanted that. Damn. She always seemed pretty cold so I am not sure about it, but in the moment I agreed to it. She said I can think about it until then. Also got an App which I dont quite understand yet but it seems I am getting support there. For medication I could get other options as well. I am not sure if I want them though.

Too charged to clearly think about it though.

Its going much better then I expected. I wasnt sure if I actually presented all of my fears correctly but it does feel like I get an answer to a question which feels authentic.

I am trying to wrap my head around this. It does hit a nerve of insight flow from the last time I opened up and got rejected, yes I will loose a perceived sense of control in this which fertalizes the ground for something new to emerge -- MAYBE. Or I will just be depressed and dont trust anyone anymore for the rest of my life. Are you sure about it?