Jannes

Men oh men. I have pretty good sleep discipline still. Going to bed at 1pm yesterday but I slept about 11 hours. There is little that habit can do then.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

Why is it bad that people are selfish? that people only care about their survival agenda? that they twist reality to fit their needs, that they are opportunistic, that they lie? why is survival "bad" ? Because its a lower form of love

Nice indeed

Although I find it stimulating to help I dont want to be a soil for her to rely on. I can help here and there though. Thats where a professional nearness distance relationship is important.

Forgot to put that in yesterday: Great socializing evening today. I am trying harder again and it shows. I feel more confident/ funny/ energetic. Sat next to a few new people and that was really nice. But oh men some dynamics tear me apart. I have a nice dynamic with two of them. With one I built up some trust. Another I don't know as long but I find her more attractive, she is a bit older (more mature hopefully) and so on. So potentially a better match. They collided a bit today and that sucks. I kind of need to give some direction to it. I was in this situation before and because I didn't choose I didn't take anyone of them, even though I liked them both. And later a friend of mine came late to the social spot. She seemed pretty emotionally unstable. I think I put her at ease though. And this was quite stimulating as well. Later on I think she longed for a bit more. I really would have liked

I finally made it to my body doubling launge again. Something I notice though is that I am always looking directly in the camera when I look at the other people in the launge. The camera decive and the screen on which I see other people body double would need to be seperated. So I would need my laptop to be the camera, or my iPad to use an external camera.

I lacked a lot of energy and confidence today. I also stood up a lot later so my routine was out of balance but still ..

Oh no, I found a new way to indulge in watching youtube videos. If I remember the title I can type it in, switch to video, click on the video and then the blocker sets in. But I will have the link in time to copy in here.

I have a complete hyperfocus on this video game right now. My thoughts always drift to it. I could give it a go.

Anyway it didnt go well. I should do 50 targets with 5 questions each for the next time. Wait thats not to bad, I do 15 targets with 1 questions a day usually.

Damnit I was like 4min late to my RV session with my coach. I only got him like every 2-3 weeks for a short coaching, so that is valueable time and seems disrespectful on my end.

Men I absolutely hated the situation I was in just now. So I got late to university (just in time) and had to choose between two seats. My standard one last time or to the left. I would have sat in the middle but I needed to choose so I sat on my standard seat. That was so weird though, I kind of have a weird connection with the guy, where I kind of stealed his friend. And I liked the girl on the left as well. But somehow out of diplomacy or whatever I choose to sit next to him. And it felt weird the whole time. He also seemed a bit weirded out about it. Ffs everyone would be more comfortable if I just stood to what I wanted. Next time it will be extra weird because then not sitting next to him would signal that I didn't enjoy our last encounter. This is I think a very specific and narrow set of problems I have which could be tackled very accurately.

I hope there will be more european retreats in the future! Dont feel quite ready for it yet.

I think there is an inner switch I can turn around from introverted to extroverted. Usually when someone wants something from me when I am in an introverted state I have a hard time to do it. I noticed however that when I consciously make a switch in my brain from inside to basking on the outside social world its much easier, even enjoyable for me. Curious how far that insight will bring me.

Just did 5-times my usual RV dose today with relative ease. Thanks to medication. Quality was really bad though. Actually I am questioning wether I even learned anything all this time. Will meet my coach tomorrow though.

If this is a real T-Rex baby its kind of ugly.

Some early inspiration. Cant pump out a lot of pictures with the free version. A more reduced version of the second one could be a good starter. The state its in fits into a intermediate state.

good inspiration

New haircutting skill discovered! Whenever I cut my hair I kind of nudged it into place a little bit. But this wasnt how my hair was in reality, it was all over the place. What I did now was I whipped it left and right to not be into place and then cut it accordingly. Now when I whip my hair it is in perfect form. By seeing my hair how it really is, not what I want it to be I could adjust my strategy and make it look more beautiful.

Enemy robots could be structured in 3 parts. A lower boder for movement like robot legs, wheels and so on. A middle part as the belly. For example a washing machine, an oven ... And an upper body where for example the weapon system is carried. This way there could be a wide variety of robots by just mix and matching different parts with each other and endless different manouvers to fight against.

I think the most complicated thing would be creating clean and fun gameplay mechanics. Mechanics where you actually need skill. Where you need to get an intuitive feel for the dino, for timing, for power, for reading the enemy, for strategy. The mechanics should come first. The design can come second. Whatever the requirements are, there is a lot of potential to make it look cool whatever the requirements are. If it looks funny then the art style can be more whacky. Some ideas from chatgpt. Hmm maybe an AI robot with less balance would be fun so it can be pushed over.