Jannes

Still dont have an alternative to FlowClub. Here we go:

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

As I become more productive I also have more of an interest to distract myself also and might even get more joy out of it.

The whole remote viewing thing is also in the back of my head all the time, but I treat as though its not real. I will explore it on the side and if by chance it actually gives me options to work and earn money I will gladly take it, but I am not treating it as if this is guarenteed.

Instead of philosophy as my main subject in my two-subject-bachelor I might switch to I could also do educational science and philosophy second. That might give me way more options.

The fact that I got productive which I was never able to do for years and years might trigger a whole net of old behaviour in my nervous system like pressure, alertness, ... which could also explain why I suddenly wake up so early. So I have to recondition my nervous system.

Yesterday was weird. I feel like in my impro theatre group people looked at me different, like I had more status. One guy in particular looked at me when doing an act for validation and even lost it for a brief moment starring a little at me and when I catched that he kind of attacked in a very subtle way trying to gaslight and regain his status, as I was looking out the window he commented on my absence. You cant really fake confidence, it will manifest in some way. I am sure I did some of that when I didnt have much confidence.

I am struggling with good sleep. This was no problem at all before I was productive.

Something tragic just happened to a friend of mine. This distresses me a bit.

Having good health enables you to live a purposefull and happy life. But if your life isnt purposeful and happy, why would you try to enable it with health. Focusing so much on health can actually make you imagine having all kind of sicknesses. Its also possible that people overfocus on this one domain, because they are too scared to work on other domains and health isnt that scary of an domain. Thats how it was for me.

NoFap has been quite a big topic on this forum sometimes, I did it way back and got not much out of it, but I recently found out some healthier ways to go about porn. It comes down to this: Notice the difference between physically being horny and psychologically wanting to distract yourself. For me sometimes I get really horny, get a boner and its clear that my body gives me a signal. Its usually a very fast job and I feel okay afterwards. Imagination is usually enough as well. Other times I want to watch porn in the exact moment when things become difficult. It usually takes way longer and I feel messed up and confused afterwards. I can only do it with porn as well. Just becoming conscious of that difference will have some curative effect.

That sucks. I am just thinking the obvious that we often process things in sleep that we repress in waking life, so maybe you repress your sexuality for some reason in waking life which results in sexual dreams. But I dont know your situation of course.

Wow, good for you.

There is more conscious porn out there if you actually care about that. Porn for females is usually more conscious.

I can almost do that when I am really conscious and that feels by far the healthiest. The more force you have to put in (physical and heavy porn) the less conscious and healthy on the mind it is.

this has a very short introduction:

What is sad about any kind of content is that the viewer is only conscious enough to appreciate so much of it. I think there is so much beautiful content made with divine creativity but you cant ultimately get to that state by the content alone, maybe you see a glimmer..

The meditation music ended so I took a short break to write all of my thoughts down, but now its hard to get back into it. I also need more meditation material. Finding the right material is hard because I want something guided but at the same time I never now how long I want to meditate. Maybe I should look for meditations starts which give instruction for the first 20 mins or so but then go for 3 hours. When you consciously think about problems with the intention of solving them you can actually solve them wow.

Thinking about a moment at the Fusion two weeks ago. The people there definitely welcomed me and were probably offended a little that I didnt take the chance, it just didnt click in my mind fast enough. I think I have to be as conscious about these situations as possible. When I contextualize the situation very consciously and feed this into my unconscious then I might change patterns. _________ Socializing is super light. I still make it a bit too much of a heavy thing.

Part of the reasons its hard for me to find friends is because I am not interested in most people and I am sure people feel it. I couldnt see that because I needed help for regulating my emotions. Now that I feel more grounded I am more able to see this dynamic.

There is my conscious mind thinking about stuff and then there is all the underlying stuff which I especially notice in my dreams. I should put some more attention to it. So I was thinking about this situation a lot in my dreams, or basically if I want to have sex or not with her. She isnt really my type but she honestly has great character so I was debating this a bit. You should only do what feels right in the end.. and it feels like I do have some sexual blockades. Its hard for me to make male friends and I realize that the few femals friends I had kind of thought I couldnt game or didnt have that much experience. When you act like a gamer you loose some comforts. I always wanted a lesbian female friend.. Or I have to maximize my fuckboy energy and then I can hang out with the girls I cant get peacefully.

Yeah I was right, I am coming in contact with my authentic self. I remember I felt like crying a bit.

I felt very strange the whole day. I fixed my printer but that was it, I mostly distracted myself. I craved a certain nostalgic distraction though and digged deep... I felt pretty tired and I kind of overwhelmed but I couldnt really point out what it was exactly, maybe just unconscious processes, I felt like I needed to meditate but waited for it till night. Now I did a bit of that and my whole experience flipped. I feel like all the process from the last couple of weeks accumulated and brought me to face more of my inner self. As I meditated I let go of some resistances and blockades. I just had experienced some weird energy again. Its really tight and strong energy and I can kind of move it around. I dont quite now how to control, how to increase or decrease or not, how to create or not loose it. But I felt this energy occasionally when I meditated since I started like 8 years ago. And I could never really explain it. Today I put it on my 'third eye', cause I didnt know what else to do with it until it vanished at some point. It seems I have a natural connection to this energy, so I should figure out what it is, how to control it and what to do with it.

Golf is one of the few sports where you dont need to be super physically athletic. Maybe his 'I dont give a shit' mentality gave him the calm to play golf well in high stakes situation.

When I change my degrees I might not get (free) student loans anymore, this is something I am calculating now.