Jannes

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

Gold

wtf !?!? I am doing this for almost a year now with appearently close to no results.

Went out and socialized a bit. Gosh I feel so much better now, I really need more socializing/ I need to recognize more if there is a lack thereoff.

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Tees for mentally ill people https://www.hottopic.com/guys/tees/?start=160&sz=32

Jaaaayyy I did something productive !!

If everything works out I can put 39 credits of my old math studying into my new degree. This way I would have the option to do some math teaching if I want to.

I am wondering if I prefer people to sleep with I dont have feelings for because I am scared of actual intimacy.

If freezing to death is muss less painful then burning to death, the ability to think that while you are in the freezing cold is ... intelligent/ abstract?

Okay lets simplify: goal of today is to get into a body doubling call and regulate myself.

I think part of the anxiety can be explained that I feel like I lost a bunch of social skills because I played so much videogames the last couple of days.

I dont even know how, but I am in a super low energy and pretty high anxiety mode. I dont even want to leave my room.

I dont feel good right now at all. That I missed the social opportunity yesterday stings, it was a pretty big group building thing. And there are all writing about the experience from yesterday. I am wondering if this is a pattern of avoiding certain events to not face the possibility of connecting with people.

I feel like all the light podcasts I just tried are equally okay. They all relax somewhat.

I had the dream that at home in the garden there were very exotic cats. Then 3 or 4 greylions (a mixture of greywolf and lion) at my neighboors garden. Each one had an owner. And then another huge creature which was blind. Also this sorta mix. I thought very hard why you would mix dog genes with cat genes. This may be because I am opening up to be more sexually active which lets weird people get near me emotionally.

I CAN BLOCK EMBEDDED CONTENT HOLY SHIT !!!!!!!

Nice, the App Lock me Out seems to work fine on my phone.

I crashed watching Youtube on my smartphone. Need to find a block for my smartphone as well. I usually kept that in check..

I am really bored right now .. bad timing to introduce these blocks, I missed my opportunity to go out today.

I really love my pegboard on the wall. I wonder if you could built that kind of thing for the ceiling. Like you structurally leave some kind of holes or something like it so you can easily stick things onto it. The same thing for walls. It would make things a lot less noisy. Its probably not done because it would be too expensive.

Mmmmhh .. my head feels good. It feels like it is recovering from chasing stimulation forcefully.

I just started listening to a new podcast which is basically about light topics where you dont need to put a lot of attention on. I first it was hard to listen to because it seemed stupid and boring but after half an hour it felt relaxing and all my hard to digest political stuff seemed like the crazy stuff.