Jannes

A girl distanced herself from me a bit yesterday. I was kind of in a flirty situation with her and then flirted with one of her friends as well. Its well deserved but I still feel bad about it.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

I love my current table tennis setup. I am very comfortable with my new racket but there will likely be many more improvements down the line. I also switched my forehand side with my backhand side from time to time. I am debating wether I want a thicker or thinner sponge on my backhand. I thinner sponge would give me more defensive control, while a thicker sponge would give me more power. I can play with both honestly although I havent tested a truly offensive coating. An even thinner sponge would also be interesting to test but I do have a lot of control even with 1,7mm. I think if I play against stronger opponents I will see some limits with my material, but I already play against people who go into table tennis clubs.

It makes sense with the old theatre club. The leader wanted to talk about things 1 on 1 with me. If not he needed to gaslight as much as possible because then its the wild west. Just like your survival situation changes once you dont talk about things in private with someone and it becomes public. When it becomes public, survival pressure corrups the whole thing. ... Wait no, he had chances to talk to me. Well also no, I think my position was pretty clear that I was done with the club.

I felt kind of bad for a table tennis mate yesterday. He plays in a real table tennis club and kind of taught me a few things. I always kind of felt that he was comaring himself with me in some aspects and that he generally feels ahead was pretty obvious. With my new bat I kind of wrecked him yesterday though and yesterday evening I saw his status in Whatsapp saying that the only thing he is good at is procrastination. He is a long time unemployed and table tennis is his thing.. Maybe I am overthinking this.

Gym note lol: If selfishness is requirement to become selfless, isn't all selfishness ultimately embedded into a larger strive for selflessness?

That pressure is also somewhat freeing though. I am forced to get my shit handled. I think I would actually like to job at a bar. It would be another social spot and I would earn money. It could be a little nerve wrecking though..

Holy shit I just realized I am fucked. I cant get student loans for next semester. I have two more months of support and then I need an alternative. If everything goes well my next semester will be stuffed though, so I cant job as well and then I am facing a though time period considering the job market atm..

Love cant be stored away in a honey jar.

Weird cocktail, just came from the gym and am sitting with happy emotions. Too bad that the artist girl is getting married. She did show a lot of interest to me previously though.

I am kind of in love with the artist girl ... where the hell is this coming from all of the sudden !?

These thoughts didnt originate from nowhere..

Just got a call from my dad about some technical things with his smartphone and stuff but also he wanted to make a point about a talk with my mom I had recently. My mom made pretty clear that my room I have at home will in the mid to long term be changed into another something different, as I dont live there anymore. And I also shouldnt hoard that many clothes there. In a way I felt kind of kicked out, but it also wasnt that bad. I should get kicked out as an act of kindness. I need to find my own path in this world and not having a comfy backup is actually helping me psychologically. So in this way, if it was meant in this way, this is actually an act of kindness. Well my dad kinda reversed the whole thing behind my moms back and said in his opinion of course the room should stay the same so that I always have a nice base to return if I want to. Kind of realized how that also wasnt good for me half in the conversation..

What do trans people think about cis people who dont live after their gender stereotype at all, for example "tomboys" or "femboys" ? In one way they are very similiar to each other, a trans men and a tomboy can both act in traditionally masculine ways, but in another way they are polar opposites to each other. A trans men is not in line with their biological gender while a tomboy is "just because I am a women doesnt mean I have to act feminine". For a trans person biological gender and gender based behaviour seem to be connected, they feel more connected to feminity or masculinity and want to shape their body according to that biological root. For femboys, tomboys the opposite seems to be the case, they dont see a strong link or a link at all about biological gender and gender based behaviour. So I wonder, wouldnt they get on each others nerves? ( And would the person who is cool with the other be the one more aligned with truth? ) If a trans men sees a tomboy who expresses through their behaviour that there isnt a link between gender and behaviour, wouldnt that question the trans person decision to change their biological body, when their biological body is evidently compatible with masculine expression and so wouldnt need harmful surgical and medical interference? ... I think you could make the case that trans people are hyper tomboys and femboys. In society we still see a male and a female differently, give them different attributes. If someone wants to fully embrace the behaviour of the opposite biological gender, they will have a though time finding people who fully treat and integrate them in that way. So a change in looks will make people treat you differently, in a way which that you may prefer more. ... Thoughts of an outsider.

Gosh going to bed this late and having everything be this hot is a trip. Its hard to get my system going.

https://de.pinterest.com/pin/582653270573991719/ https://de.pinterest.com/pin/557531628900522575/ ... Maybe the challenge actually isnt that smart. Short suit trousers are appearently pretty comfy as well.

Table tennis rocks. I have a blast with my new bat. I thought about long nubs for defense looking forward, now I am looking more at two alpha sides, both regular sides with maximum catapult. Will see..

I just read a super old note from 5 years ago. It was in a transformation mastery course from Julien Blanc. What a waste of money back in the day, but I was desperate to get out of my situation. What I can take away from it was how much more physical life was in school. An athletic classmate had automatically more statues and I looked up to them. And also trying to be nice and lovely seemed to be a survival strategy back in the day. Oh men oh men it hurts to read this.. No wonder I went to the gym though and my story is probably as un-unique as it gets.

Yesterday I was really out of flow at my social spot. Well I had this previously quite a lot that when I played a lot of video games I kind of felt like I wasnt really in reality and I had to get back into it. I had to re-actualize myself into reality. Well given that I am not distracting myself a ton ( or so I thought ), I found it weird that this sort of thing happened to me. I got back into reality though and feel much more at ease now.

A list of outfits which include a sport shorts and are still close to reaching a business casual look. I want to wear sport shorts my whole life and still want to look like an adult. https://de.pinterest.com/pin/317503842506379142/ https://de.pinterest.com/pin/70720656645499327/ https://de.pinterest.com/pin/8725793025874781/ https://de.pinterest.com/pin/928445279447642351/ ... Quite a short list, there are few actually good outfits which nail the look I am looking for.

Today I realized, I want to be a more productive member of society. I mean I am working towards it, but I would like to work already and make some income or at least feel like I am doing that. I dont feel like I am really good at something atm.

Fashion is pretty neurotic for me, especially because I dont have the money and am bad at decision making. Just coming to terms that I am not super stylish would probably give me much more peace of mind .. but then sometimes I feel this strong itch to also have a cool outfit ...

I woke up again without any sexual thoughts today. Its weird, a few weeks ago I had it evry day and then it suddenly stopped. I think the day it stopped was after the elvanse day, but you would expect things to get back to neutral .. Its either that my mind is used to lower stimulation and isnt searching so much anymore for a kick or ... I found alternatives again. I am searching up a lot about Super Mario and getting some decent stimulation out of that ... But on a socializing base I dont feel like my confidence dropped .. huh, hard to make sense of it then

Whats weird is that I opened up so much socially the last couple of weeks and now I kind of want to retreat into my shell. Maybe its an ego backlash. Have I already mentioned that insight?