Jannes

The table tennis itself was kind of boring today. I won a lot of points from the first serve which many couldnt return. And then smashed the ball lots of times at the third ball. Maybe I need a worse racket lol, one that still gives me a learning experience but allows for longer rallies and doesnt smash my opponents to pieces.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

There were a bunch of situations in my life where I ran away the moment someone wanted to connect with me or a situation arose where connection was possible. I need to make a list. Fitting that I remember this now.

Damn, I basically just got asked out for a date. I asked her how her workspace is looking for a job and she told me she could explain it to me on a coffee.

I feel like what happened in spiral dynamics stage blue and green is that they each aligned ones psyche with the collective but on a different level. At stage blue its more cognitive and forceful. The mind coming from stage red is still too wild for any other method. At stage green the common good of the collective is not that much protected by rules but by emotions/ empathy and so on, people feeling obligated to act in such and such a way because they I wonder if neuroscientists could find parallels here.

Lol Thats the story of my phase where I overly focused on "healthy" "clean" eating. I was holding on to that because other challenges didnt seem managable.

A part of mine was actually clinging to the fantastical thinking of which tt equipment to buy emotionally!! When in distress I could think about if I want long pipes or inverted rubbers on my backhand and how different they would feel and what I would be with each. A warm, comforting, stimulating thinking process. Now I just freakin bought them.

Still got a bit of a headache from yesterday. I am going to chill today and wont take meds before it gets worse.

Something clicked yesterday. Its very likely that the leader of the old theatre club was scared that I would abuse the information I would get from a talk with him. Its not just his own survival agenda, but the survival agenda of many of the members there which is also connected to his survival agenda. He needed to make sure I am loyal to the old theatre club before he would reveal anything. ... I knew that but somehow it jusg makes way more intuitive sense now.

I thought about this for so damn long. It was time. Even if I didnt make a perfect decision. Although thinking about it was maybe also fun .. not sure

I faced my fear and went to my bafög space today and had a sucessful talk for further support I finally made a decision on which table tennis equipment and which knitting yarn to buy I made the whole bafög request today I also made housing benefit request today ... Cool, now I have got a bit of a headache. Did I do much work today? It feels like more then usual. I was focused the whole day because of elvanse.

I just found out that I cant do my internship at a startup coaching place (probably). Thats to bad as that was actually something that interested me. I have to come to terms that I am actually not that interested in the whole social worker thing. Well maybe a bit. I am definitely interested in peoples psychology, but many human stories bore me to shit. But also that takes some pressure off me, I just need to try something out and when it sticks it sticks, if it doesnt, well I didnt plan for it. I have to be honest, I really secretly hoped that by this time my RV practice would turn out more fruitful. ... What makes me feel some relief though is that with housing money and a few hours of a job I could almost survive. Thats not nothing. That means my existance is saved for a while (and I could do free shit on my own).

I took my sex toy out again and its very nice. Puts less pressure on me to find someone for better or for worse.

Mmmhhh a picture to make you think ... Would your mind come in contact with the consciousness of the plant the moment the plant eats up your brain cells?

My place for philosophical thoughts and spiritual insights.

My current gaming experience. Well I do need experience in all 3 aspects, but I can chat up girls and also have sex, the problem is the escalation itself. I have very little in my actual toolbox. Body contact in socially appropriate situations like laughter or hugs, escalation ladder, complimenting someones lips ... But men I do feel dirty every time I am invested in game and let my psyche be corrupted by sex.

That will trigger me much more in the coming days then I can admit right now. It always has. Ending it completly is perhaps better.

Wow, a girl I had a crush on in my old theatre club just blocked me on WhatsApp or turned off her profile picture and text. She changed her profile pic on my birthday drinking from a fancy glass. Its too much to explain in short here but I interpretate it as flirting .. At the same time I got a super weird text message from a female friend of mine asking me to go to a marriage of a friend of hers (where all friends are allowed). A shake in the force perhaps ..

Back after about a week of festival experience. Well building up the festival for 5 days and then partying for 3 days.

A girl distanced herself from me a bit yesterday. I was kind of in a flirty situation with her and then flirted with one of her friends as well. Its well deserved but I still feel bad about it.

I love my current table tennis setup. I am very comfortable with my new racket but there will likely be many more improvements down the line. I also switched my forehand side with my backhand side from time to time. I am debating wether I want a thicker or thinner sponge on my backhand. I thinner sponge would give me more defensive control, while a thicker sponge would give me more power. I can play with both honestly although I havent tested a truly offensive coating. An even thinner sponge would also be interesting to test but I do have a lot of control even with 1,7mm. I think if I play against stronger opponents I will see some limits with my material, but I already play against people who go into table tennis clubs.

It makes sense with the old theatre club. The leader wanted to talk about things 1 on 1 with me. If not he needed to gaslight as much as possible because then its the wild west. Just like your survival situation changes once you dont talk about things in private with someone and it becomes public. When it becomes public, survival pressure corrups the whole thing. ... Wait no, he had chances to talk to me. Well also no, I think my position was pretty clear that I was done with the club.

I felt kind of bad for a table tennis mate yesterday. He plays in a real table tennis club and kind of taught me a few things. I always kind of felt that he was comaring himself with me in some aspects and that he generally feels ahead was pretty obvious. With my new bat I kind of wrecked him yesterday though and yesterday evening I saw his status in Whatsapp saying that the only thing he is good at is procrastination. He is a long time unemployed and table tennis is his thing.. Maybe I am overthinking this.

Gym note lol: If selfishness is requirement to become selfless, isn't all selfishness ultimately embedded into a larger strive for selflessness?

That pressure is also somewhat freeing though. I am forced to get my shit handled. I think I would actually like to job at a bar. It would be another social spot and I would earn money. It could be a little nerve wrecking though..