Jannes

Men I just feel flatened despite taking medication. A lot of uni stuff. I need to get used to that level of effort.

Just listened to typical hollow male drinking music. I always feel a sense of cringe and shame/ outsiderness when I listen to it. But also, I kinda changed teams recently so I am more open to it.

"Look up contact improv workshops in your area. That should help you become more comfortable with touching strangers " ______________

HAH and I have a hard time learning it because of rejection sensitivity. Sensitivity in general. Well maybe thats an excuse. Somewhere I already got tipps for hugging seminars and physical game.

I can talk to women though. I cant physically escalate. Thats my blind spot.

Yeah, I dont actually know how to escalate things, even though I have girl being interested in me/ chase me. And I say that I just want an actual relationsip. This lack of ability is a bit of a blind spot which can and probably is filled with self deception. Although I really dont feel like sleeping with some, but even that can be part of self deception. I need to meditate and game on that to sandvich that self deception.

Will take medication today again. Want to isolate how sleeping long affects my productivity.

I see time and time again that women/ people dont follow rules, they follow their feelings. And I just cant get in because I dont.

I had weird ass dreams today. Reunited with many people of the old theatre club and .. kissed a girl there finally. Although I am not sure if she kissed me first. No she kissed me first and I said something like I was about to kiss you as well. I had feelings for her back then but she had a boyfriend so I stopped myself. Oh men.

The Dino should get a customizeable chain. And maybe extra reinforcements on the teeth. That would humanize it to some degree.

Now this is interesting, I do experience myself having troubles focusing without some sort of input. I also heard someone else with adhd have that difficulty and resolving it with traffic noise. I NEED to try this

Raw Consciousness is so beautiful. Its the only beautiful thing. In relationships we experience it for a while. I wonder why we run away from consciousness otherwise though. Like my mind wants to numb and distract itself. Whats the deal? How can't I know any better?

Interestingly my imagination continued a lot in this meditation. And also some parts of my soul, aka deep emotional wounds started to heal. The vibe was a bit like this.

Its so weird actually being on top of my game and not having things to do urgently. Actual free time. I could fall into video games but better invest it into meditaton.