Jannes

Yeah maybe A nap isnt the most relaxing state though, that would be deep sleep. But in a nap your body and mind cools down from working, its still relatively active, you could get going right away. Perhaps that has anything to do with it.

Well association but is that the end of the story ? ...

Why is that beautiful? Why is that opening me up to painful emotions? How can a picture do that?

I want someone to make sense of situation but in the end I have to do it on my own. I think the buttom line is that most people dont have healthy relationships, they lack love and they arent saints about relationship rules, if something better comes along that can be taken. For me that means I wont be understood if my moral standards are to high and also that I should carefully look for a gf.

I have no idea what you mean with this.

Men my meditation today is the most crap it has ever been. Likely because of my adhd medication. I can do work with it sorta but its not good for letting go and connecting with myself.

I dont know why but its pretty common for me to experience higher consciousness fragments specifically on an afternoon nap. Its hard to describe the experience, its very emotional, very beautiful, out of this world but also much more home. I could melt in it, its like everything good in the world is THAT. Its qualitatively completly different from what I experience throughout the day and its orders of magnitutes better then what I experience on a regular bases. Usually I only experience it for a short while, like a few seconds or even just a spark. Anyone got a clue where this comes from or through which practice you can get more of it if midday naps open me up to it ?

Yesterday I just made a short remark about my current flirting situation to my adhd doctor. She was maybe the only real life person who believed me in this. But it seemed she didnt take it that seriously. I mean yeah, I am so sexy and everyone goes razy for me, oh god what should I do is hard to sell as a problem. But it comes with many problems, like not finding platonic friends as easily or having responsibility for many peoples feelings. One thing I thought about this morning is that I experience it as a problem so I think it is a problem, but maybe there isnt much of a problem but I resist something that doesnt fit my identity. Maybe the identity of a loner is unconscously baked deep in my bones and now I am in an awesome position which my mind simply interprets as a problem because it doesnt fit my identity. There are reasonable problems that come from my position but I also should take the possibility that this is friction with my identity seriously. For better or for worse I didnt really feel seen by my adhd doctor this time.

I have got the thought today that what if I never got the emotional space and attention to talk about some of my problems. What if I cling to that because I experienced it as a child but now I dont get that sort of attention anymore. How would I treat some of my situations differently if I fully knew that I would never get full attention for my problems.

Some of the greatest hits come from playful experimentation https://youtu.be/QbKOuUfxonQ?t=250

When I take a break from adhd medication and then take it it hits different. A very strong boost.

Well 13 year old can do serious crime and can be a danger to society. I am not sure how time in jail affects people, but a quality jail in sweden might be very different then other jails in other countries. It might even offer opportunites. Social and psychological work can be easier when someone is in custody. I saw how in scandanevian countries jailed people get a quality education and can get a good job when they leave jail. Of course cutting someone off from their family and normal social life is a drastic thing, but they will only put serious cases in jails I am sure. I think its more about that it can be hard to get employed in the future if this is in their resume, so maybe there can be strategies to hide that. I think that would be fair.

The RV session with my trainer was good. Well he told me that when I view and dont get something new and surprising then I dont actually view. I need to try as many times as it takes to get something. I got this picture in my head of continuely trying to light up a match on a matchbox but never getting it to light up. A really uncomfortable struggle. Well, thats what I am in for.