Jannes

I think part of the emotional process I went through the last couple of days was about untangling emotional pieces from other girls of my old theatre club and also processing bad emotions that were left like sadness.

Gotta give the new girls names for my journal. Okay her I call the social girl The other one I call jeans girl. She seems to be a little more street haha

Didnt really have the opportunity to cry about it today on someones shoulder. Well actually one person I usually find pretty annoying I told about it roughly. In situations like these you dont always know on who you can count. Well other people asked how I am beforehand though. I was clearly sad and people noticed.

I am kinda sad. Well I chatted with that girl and we kind of got a date going. I felt a rush of emotions coming up yesterday. Kind of surreal even. Today though I got back to my social spot and saw the girl again which I was trying to built a connection with before. And I clearly have emotions for her as well. So then I just realized that I cant have it all and that I need to cut it off. When I just got the possibly perfect opportunity with her being single and so on.

https://www.actualized.org/insights/roman-catholic-contradictions "Christians are lucky that there is no Hell, as they would all belong in it for their crimes." What a kickass line.

I am in a state of pretty big confusion. I think for two main reasons, one is that I was sick and I need to get back at the challenges in my life. Second and that seems a bigger factor, I am opening up to a girl and feel a ton of mixed emotions. A lot of sadness and pain regarding other opportunities in my life before. And it feels really intense, opening up seems difficult. I just sit on the couch sort of paralyzed in my confusion and action. My body doubling space is perfect to sort my thoughts. Maybe today is also a good day to go to the gym, to get moving.

Jajaja I had bad experiences with guys in my life which is why I have a negative reaction to heteronormativity and dudes in general https://www.actualized.org/insights/doubt-your-own-antipathy

First day getting back into university today. And I met the one girl I liked so much. Now I enter an interesting point, if I enter a connection with her I loose opportunities elsewhere. I am not above slutiness and casual sex. And I would loose other more immediately stimulating (sexually) options. I think of myself as only longing for deep connection and with not much interest in casual sex, but I think I would miss that a bit. On the other hand I am free to do casual sex for quite a while and I never want it because I dont feel the connection or I dont want to hurt anybody etc. Ma mind is weird. Anyway I am definitely trying to get to know her better, this is surely the right direction atm. ... Btw. my mind feels pretty disfunctional, I am not clear at all. Not sure what it is, but it clearly has to do with my sickness.

I dont know what happened but in my style and in general I feel more at home with my masculine. I think it was with a thread discussion here that I came to a conclusion.

Imagine a place where time doesnt exist but clocks are still functioning normally.

I kind of came to that thought just now that I fear connecting with other people sometimes and that there is somewhat of a artificial and intense block to the natural flow of love and meeting people. There is a girl that I really like but I kind of fear a bunch of things. Like getting myself into something I havent thought through, hurting her feelings etc. Fears: Fear of rejection Fear of responsibility (of her feelings) Fear of getting into something I cant easily get out I need to think something through to a degree that I feel comfortable with that person. For example if I feel like they are attractive enough and have good character I can kind of let go of control and enter some kind of chaotic sort of love. But that limits me so much as well. Oh and I forgot, in my old theatre club I managed to create feelings so fast from other people that I really started to take myself back.

Isnt it boring that its all love in the end, cant it have different flavours for a change? Oh ...

Thats highly speculative on my end. I feel like when reality feels unbearable and you intuit that it could all be much lighter, more spiritual but somehow there is some shit in the way, to cope with that people come up with all sort of stories, stuff that they heard off, stuff that is connected to their survival and so on. Basically the mind being disconnected from spirit and trying to get back at it clumsily and woowoo-ly.

Interesting. I see the potential insights when you can decode their woo-woo right. But also lots of potential for misinterpretation.

I have just started to become interested in psychedelics again as I spent more time on the forum. My interest in psychedelics was at an all time low and I wondered if I even wanted to take them again. Kind of yes to answer some questions but practically not really. Now I am a lot more interested in it. Great insight for myself