Jannes

Love seems to be my way out. In the form of romance. Romance makes it possible for me to open up, to go beyond myself.

Met a friend at the doctor today. He was very open, I didnt even realize how reserved I was until he entered the scene. Sat next to me and we had a really good chat. When the doctor asked me in I didnt know how to built a transition and kind of just went. Could have just said, we can continue talking tomorrow or something.. He seemed a little confused when I came back after the meeting and took the initiative with a fist bump and "we can continue talking tomorrow". I felt bad about it. But still he invited me into a good vibe I didnt know I didnt have. It just shows me again how isolated I really am emotionally. Whenever I get invited its feels so good for a brief moment but it usually happens as a calculation error cause I usually dont give it back. While it feels good its also me getting support while keeping my sovernty whichis something the supporting person doesnt have so the grass doesnt need to be much greener on the other side.

There are picture in my mind of things which I wanted to express so badly but never did because I didnt have the technical skills. When I was at my worst state in the old theatre club I felt like it started to eat from my substance, like everything around my literal substance was burned down and what kept me up was my literal substance which was about to get infiltrated. I was about to turn insane. And there was almost some sense of freedom in there. I also wanted to draw a picture of feeling free and happy. A free and deeply happy face with a thunderer whistle as its nose. It was shortly before I left the theatre club. And something else. Need sleep.

You mean the rules?

Thinking that smoking weed is cool

chess status

When all I had for distraction was chess, I became addicted to that. I need to find "healthy" addictions.

Got it by trying out some things. Didnt come to the conclusion without using the link.

Its a nightmare to read if you arent a good reader to begin with.

Impro acting went well today as well. Relatively little juice of my medication. What I did differently was I tried to give myself an emotion at the start and built from there. I didnt work out the way I thought it would work out but somehow I played more emotional. I really want to craft my technique.

I friend of mine offered to take picture of me for my dating profile. Super random. I have a long list of ways to interpret it but I think I just wont interpret it at all.

I feel lonely but at the same time I dont anyone really near me. Part of it is also that I dont open up to the same extend I feel like. Sharing vulnerability creates a bond. Authenticity as well. Whenever I talk about something that actually moved me in my self help group or somewhere else it created a sense of connection. Maybe I just need to do that more.

Well there was already lots of back and forth so after all of this I am implying that I dont know if he is a scammer or not so that isnt nice. On the other hand doubt must be something he faces regularely so that was a Red Flag of him.

The 5 - 190 Euro range wouldnt be a problem though as after 10 weeks you get into the 50 Euro range. In case that will be relevant.