Jannes

Today at impro we had a complete men group. 4 dudes. The first time no girl was part of the group. I immediately felt the change in power dynamics and me more as an outsider. There was basically one alpha and two dude kinda following him and I was acting a bit outside of that dynamic but also like an outsider. We are adults though, why the hell do dynamics like this still come up.. thats a big reason why I prefer girls as friends. Its problematic though as just platonic friendships are hard to get. Anyway at some point they talked about really sensitive stuff. Like personal experience with suicide thoughts and so on. A men group sharing feelings. I shared the least but also a chunk. Pretty wholesome if it wasnt for the feeling that I was left out a little.

What a dangerous identity though.. well when I loose connection or remember the meaning of capital L Love that is.

My experience with Malt so far. So first time 4mg was by far the strongest experience, in the come up that is. These waves of flying through hyperspace. Yesterday 4mg and the come up was completely different. None of that infinity energy, but some uncomfortable feelings at first. The music had a big impact, I switched to a more fun track and the whole trip changed. Today 6mg and the come up might have been the easiest so far. Basically no discomfort. I thought a lot about my past self. I thought that I touched true love once and kind of built my identity around it. That's why it is so hard to deconstruct, maybe only really at higher states of consciousness. And there was so much love and idealism in my heart which I let go from over time. It was a bit of a shock, a bit of a flood to those energy reserves which had been emptied for so long. I also don't really know when the trip ended because it wasnt as strong and didnt have any visuals and was very clear.

But just a charismatic girl who gives a lot of sex away has ungodly amount of soft power. A phenomenon I never really came in contact with.

What happened thursday night was so shocking that I couldnt write about it until now. So I saw a girl from the old theatre club again at my social spot and she absolutely hates me. I really hurt her feelings when I didnt sleep with her because that is/ was half of her personality and then I did something not super cool, she showed a blue spot at her upper breast to other people and openly talked about it and I asked to see it and didnt get that she was uncomfortable around it in time. A mistake on my end for sure. I apolagized for my wrongdoing and we had a talk at the theatre club about it and settled things. I already wrote about it in this journal in much more detail. Afterwards there were many occasions in which she tried to sleep with me again which I declined obviously. So yesterday, 2.5 years after the incident she mobilized a bunch of people to paint me as some kind of offender after I didnt leave the spot on her request. A crowd gathered to shame me basically. Someone stepped in on my side but it wasnt enough. One of the leaders there said I should leave the spot and it will be talked about at the plenum. This shocked me to my bones. After my nervous system cooled down for 1-2 hours I finally collected the words that I could have said, I could have said it was 2.5 years ago, that it was already talked about and settled, I could have decribed exactly what happened etc. At least my dad came around the next day and I talked to him about it and later with some closer friends again. This softens the blow/ helps with healing so much more then being on my own. Will see what happens I guess. I will probably have some interesting talks coming up. This could even help me as it could air out some conspiracies against me. Probably not though.

My social circle is too small. I see the same girls all the time so there is little chance I will find someone. I need to find new ways to open that circle.

Also saw the proud girl yesterday again. I like her but its clear that she is in a relationship or f+ with this guy, as she let him be very openly sexual with her. .. Talked to the "goth-girl" as well. I found her interesting before because she showed great character but I dont really know where things could go. My main concern is that she has depression and chronic pain. I mean there probably isnt much fault for it on her part but I have to ask myself if I honestly want to be the one helping her with it. If I dont honestly want to do it and get close to her lying to myself that I would want to then I imagine I would do more damage then if I would just be honest about it.

Men I went to karaoke yesterday and randomly found two dudes who were connected to the old theatre club. They were super friendly to me. They were before as well, but I thought that might have changed after I had these chats. I never got much pushback from the guys there, basically only from the girls.

Rape is a really strong word, too strong in this context.

I am afraid of snakes, but that gives me so much chills. Snake love, how wholesome. There needs to be a new term for when you become aware/ integrate another facet of reality/ love.

What is really interesting is that my sexuality is deeply connected with how I feel about the world. Right now I got really comforted which changes my sexuality where I am comfortable with being more dominant.

Wow I actually went through with it. Talked about my problems. Told her that I struggle with flirting because of adhd. Said that I found too many girls who would cheat and that I have a problem connecting with them because of it. And it all went well .. It honestly boggles my mind ..

Will have a talk with my adhd doctor today. Last time she offered me she could give me psychological counsoling if I wanted .. I was happy I would only need to make the decision in 2 moths. Well here we are now. Fuck me idk. I cant sell someone that I am struggling because I am too attractive and girls would cheat for me and that is why I cant take a girl because I want to keep my values "STOP CRYING I NEED TO TALK TO PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS, THERE ARE LONELY PEOPLE IN THIS WHO WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE A WOMENS GENTLE TOUCH AND YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT TOO MANY OPTIONS, JUST TAKE ONE AND BE HAPPY." and you know maybe she would have a point

Only in America

I had an insane start up idea today. I feel weird when I take medication because I act differently and people often dont know wether I am on medication or not. So I hate it when I do something on medication and people attribute that to my usual non medicated self and vice versa. Also it takes some time to explain to people how medication works. I thought about a hanger on a chain in the form of a pill which is digital. It would connect to an app and would light up. It could light up half full when the effect of the medication is halfway gone. I dont think anyone thought about this before, but I love the aesthetic of pills for some reason, I value authenticity and transparency and so it would make sense that this is not yet patented.