Jannes

I am in such a decision overload right now. I can book for tomorrow or not. I dont know what I want to do tomorrow honestly. I have got my disco which I am just maybe going to. I could talk to some friends and do something. I dont want to pay for tomorrow gnnnnah but it gives me lots of options, like I can go outside a bit and then go back and chill as I like. Its kind of a no-brainer ..

Made me remember this one

Stimulating

I remember back then I saw this movie with a friend. Two things I always loved about circuses, well three things: One the show itself. Bringing people into awe seems like a very noble thing. Second the picture-esk train rides in Disney movie. When the train drives through a beautiful landscape in the evening. You climp on the train and can see the stars ... And third being kind of a weird and in some aspects overpowered person. Most of it is simply adhd I think. The first thing for sure, the second thing also as I constantly look for a place which is both peaceful but also stimulating so I can process my emotions. And the third as well, the search for finding people where I can really express myself. ... Interestingly I kind of forgot my high energy aspect of myself. Well I am expressing it to a certain degree, kinda contained, at my social spot. But high energy/ adhd people around me could get me to new heights.

On my hostel trip in Berlin again. A bunch of pretty intense memories came up just being in this mindstate. And I also thought about two girls I am both good with at my social spot atm. I fantasized that we could maybe have a relationship all together and the faces other people would make if I told them that. And I actually developed feelings. And that made some things pretty clear, for one a relationship partner is definitely status signaling for me. And second I just think that I havent found my match yet. I didnt take all the opportunities I have got for development bc of integrity so there is still a lot of insecurity I have got but below it all I think I am hot shit and I deserve nothing else then hot shit. Thats where I can find my romantic feelings.

This dude is like: "You are a piece of shit 🙂" Yeah I was on something like this once to try it out in a nightclub. Absolute cheatcode ... Not sure if he is on anything, but his confidence is pretty insane.

Reminds me of this. Maybe spiritual places/ temples are important. But what should they even look like. Humanity can built lots of physically impressive buildings, but I dont think we have much ideas on building a spiritual temple.

What a beautiful spiritual city. I dont think there is something quite like it in the west. It actually just looks like a psychedelic trip. I wonder what its like being there. .. To make a decision on war is kind of on the one hand perverted and on the other hand deep/ good. You should make decisions from a spiritual sort of place but usually you dont get the idea of violence from that which seems to suggest that it is more of a fassade, a sort of self brainwashing that the decision came from a spiritual place when it actually didnt.

God I am fried. I did exactly that, go very early so that I could ease into it but I stayed till the very end. 7 hours of nonstop socializing.

Aaaaah I dont know what to do. I am split between two paths 1) Go to Berlin now 2) Go to my social spot today Well 2) is my choice but then I dont know how to start this evening. I dont want it to be like the other times when I am overwhelmed by all the people there, I want a smooth start like yesterday. But I dont know anybody really to do something like play some billiard asap right now. But then what do I do!?!? Well I can just go NOW, there wont be anyone pretty much, so I can have a smooth start and increase step by step. Damn I really need to write to make a thought.

Basically all in their early twenties, with older women I cant tell as I have less experience with them.

I had so much charisma when I entered the room today, after I socialized 1 on 1 before. its incredible.

I am just filled with positive emotions. How could I forget that meeting people 1 on 1 is so important to my wellbeing .. Also it recontextualizes a few things, when I met my friend once and felt so good afterwards, it wasnt totally just because of him, it was just the 1 on 1 situation itself. And today I was with a trans person and I enjoyed that. So I guess my transphobia is somewhat in check.

Oh okay -- all good.

NO, I dont subscripe to any toxic manosphere. Its my own experience only. But I like to hear that from other peoples perspective this sounds unusual, which makes me think that my perspective is partially limited.