Jannes

Whoa, I filled 100 pages with my journal, thats a lot.

And its such a long time that I listened to Alan Watts holy shit!?!? Thought about it at the spot today when the music and lights were just right.

One of the best social flows I had was when I had this university project with this one girl. Need something like this again. Although she put a lot into it, in a relationship with someone this wont necessarily be the case.

My Discord body doubling lounge will be critical tomorrow. Cant do without it.

Eheheheh, the view of the leader of my old theatre club was that he was so morally superior especially in things like dating which is why he felt like his place was something special. Well and I wanted to hear a big apology ofc that wasnt going to happen... But it was my best shot at the time. https://www.actualized.org/insights/actualized-quotes-730

I was in such a low party mood today after taking elvanse. I just shouldnt take it on days I go out...

Saw one girl at the social spot who saw me at the social spot when there was the clash. And she seemed visibly unnerved. And I saw a few other indicators as well. I was sitting in fear for a few hours always sourrounded by people I know. I saw too scared to go because outside there is a big crowd and there I feel vulnerable. Table tennis finished relatively early so I was in luck that I could go with a few people. Maybe 100m outside just around a corner a group of people including which seemed like a good friend of HER and also the dude who got me out of the place sat outside. And they noticed me. Lucky me that I was in a group but men this is scary. He (the dude who got me out) also kinda starred (straight) when he walked past me which seemed kind of scary. Well I would also be somewhat protected on a bike but thats not a good defense. Its also good that he saw that I noticed him so he knows I am aware. This is just too much ... I could do something other that day like go to the gym.

The table tennis itself was kind of boring today. I won a lot of points from the first serve which many couldnt return. And then smashed the ball lots of times at the third ball. Maybe I need a worse racket lol, one that still gives me a learning experience but allows for longer rallies and doesnt smash my opponents to pieces.

There were a bunch of situations in my life where I ran away the moment someone wanted to connect with me or a situation arose where connection was possible. I need to make a list. Fitting that I remember this now.

Damn, I basically just got asked out for a date. I asked her how her workspace is looking for a job and she told me she could explain it to me on a coffee.

I feel like what happened in spiral dynamics stage blue and green is that they each aligned ones psyche with the collective but on a different level. At stage blue its more cognitive and forceful. The mind coming from stage red is still too wild for any other method. At stage green the common good of the collective is not that much protected by rules but by emotions/ empathy and so on, people feeling obligated to act in such and such a way because they I wonder if neuroscientists could find parallels here.

Lol Thats the story of my phase where I overly focused on "healthy" "clean" eating. I was holding on to that because other challenges didnt seem managable.

A part of mine was actually clinging to the fantastical thinking of which tt equipment to buy emotionally!! When in distress I could think about if I want long pipes or inverted rubbers on my backhand and how different they would feel and what I would be with each. A warm, comforting, stimulating thinking process. Now I just freakin bought them.

Still got a bit of a headache from yesterday. I am going to chill today and wont take meds before it gets worse.

Something clicked yesterday. Its very likely that the leader of the old theatre club was scared that I would abuse the information I would get from a talk with him. Its not just his own survival agenda, but the survival agenda of many of the members there which is also connected to his survival agenda. He needed to make sure I am loyal to the old theatre club before he would reveal anything. ... I knew that but somehow it jusg makes way more intuitive sense now.