Jannes

Listened to very beautiful music this evening outside with friends and it made me feel a lot of pain immediately. Mostly with a girl from my old theatre club and more. Every time there is a beautiful moment I get that. Got a picture in my head of my hand halfblocking the sun because I am out of flow with the natural love.

That got me thinking a lot today. There is something like a last hold on my mental paradigm of morality that refuses to accept my situation. I have seen with my own eyes how many women would cheat or leave their bf or their engaged partner for a better option. And I whimp about it. ... well I do accept it in a way but there is like a part of me that tries to moralize it: "People wanted to act well but got carried away by their fear and desires." -- or something like that. I think people are usually selfish as f. with a bit of authentic empathy. But the latter one is far smaller then their selfishness. Morality is a social contract. If we dont live up to it we experience negative consequences, which is why it is in our interest to seem like we are a moral person and this is why we also need to tel ourselves that we are to make other people think that we are, which is why it is so difficult to speak about immoral things out of pure selfishness that we have done. How does this make understanding those women difficult though? Well maybe, to rise up to the challenge, I would need to lay my own understanding of morality aside. But my moral code means life or death to me.

Work shift is over. Men is was stressful. Especially at the bar, even though that was also the most fun part simutaniously. Most people are in agreement with that. I forgot how bad I can tolerate stress. Well maybe its a little different with medication now. There were like 3 jobs that I did. One at the bar. Most fun but also most stressful. At the entry, pretty chill. And as a runner, which I felt kind of super low status, running around partying people grabbing bottles. Maybe I need some ego work on that one. When I think about it, I liked the entry part the most.

Yesterdays note: Time to go, but I feel like my medication isn't working. What the hell. I remember taking the box and even (somewhat unclearly though) swallowing the pill. And I haven't taken it in weeks so the effect should be fresh. Not sure what is going on. Oh and I feel a lot of fear. Of what or of whom I don't know. Maybe that's what's holding me back. Whelp ready or not it's time to go.

Omg, in a sudden caffeine boost I just had a brilliant idea for a play. Traditional masculine men in a progressive/ feminist environement disguised as immigrants. To make a parallel between the prejudice and exclusion of immigrants in society and men in a feminist environement.

Feel a little rolled over. Meeting this many new people is demanding. OH, forgot to tell, have been on a little karaoke party from a friend of mine at a place I will job in now. This saturday I start.

Need a break from RV right now, but it feels bad to not finish today session, like I dont feel free which is what I need.

He asked if we want to make another meeting, I think he felt that I was kind of on the brink of quitting. Which I kind of am. I have got a mind with a lot of thoughts, I cant change that fundamentally.

I just had an insight during my rv session with my trainer. What if I look for something like rv as something that is not possible to do, or where it is very easy to find ways to unconsciously sabotage oneself from archieving success, because I have got some deep inner conditioning that I want to verify? That thought kind stopped me in my tracks during the session. The session was kind of a disaster. My trainer told me the whole idea with the troxler effect isnt doing shit, the effect can kick in while I am still in my head. His trainees regularely try to find strategies to try to solve the problem of not being able to remote view with some coping strategy. He listed some that I had in mind as well, like a moving dot.

Yeah thats also what I thought -- and europe, aligned with the US, feels the second wave of negative emotions perhaps. I wonder if you could measure a connection between the degree of alignment between Europe and the US and the degree of negative emotions associated with China. Europe is untangling from the US, perhaps it feels less negative emotions towards China now..

China is all of the above but instead of smaller countries which can be controlled or cut off if nessecary, china is super powerful and has a lot more room for action.

Today I had a day to relax and be on my own and interestingly I didnt take it. I rather wanted to go out. Thats not an introverted thing to do at all.

Gosh my city is such a bad place to meet people/ my bubble is too small. All it takes is one night with different people and BAM I have new dating opportunities. Should go to different places.

Yesterday I chatted up a girl I wanted to talk to every time there is games evening at the social spot once a month. It was going great. She looked super duper hot. And she is 26 which I didnt expect, she looked like she was in her early twenties. Absolutely perfect, she got the looks and probably more emotional maturity. But then she said she wanted to see her friends at karaoke. That was kind of a break, I sat beside her afterwards, didnt have something to say immediately and kind of lost the momentum. She didnt seem super talkative as well and I was looking for signs she wasnt interested in me. Didnt help that she sat next to girls I was flirting with before so I couldnt sit next to her there.

Pen and Papers was so much fun again today. We played for 5 hours and I could actually concentrate throughout the whole session because I was active all the time. That is such a big takeaway, for me to to be able to concentrate I need to be active.