Jannes

Went out with friends in my city and it went surprisingly well. There were so many things happening that evening, most notably was probably me meeting a few people from the old theatre club and kind of re-befriending one of them. Also did an approach. Also had lots of fun. In the end after I said everyone goodbye I saw the girl I hooked up with 4 weeks ago now going to the spot so I drove with my bike towards her and just said like, its weird when we kind of pretend we dont know each other, just wanted to say hi. Something of that sort. Had a very short conversation in which I replied to the question of how many people are in the club. She was with a guy there who was shorter then her though. I kind of felt like he was more of a platonic friend. She very clearly said BYE though. I did it because I was in the perfect vibe to pull it off and I dont think I did anything to wrong in a vacuum but maybe it was a romantic partner of her, or she was embaressed about the night etc. Definitely could have triggered something. It was pretty hurtful but I had so much success this evening in other areas, at least I have a super clear direction of her now. Cant win em all.

Visiting my parents I traded emotional stability for social anxiety. I kind of need of group which gives me both, a foot in the door socially but also emotional stability. I kind of have it but not really.

... So its weird, I dont even really know the girl anymore yet we were so super close for a short time last time. I kind of like it, but its also quite a lot. I wanted to reestablish the connection mainly for friends and a way to stay but my brain goes into a complete different direction, mainly if I want cuddles and intimacy or not.

I had an insane dream a few days ago on 4.12. and I still havent written it down yet so here we go. So I had some great insight into reality, I saw how reality actually is, like that reality has different states and these states all happen simutaniously .. and I dont remember the rest. I felt like I was in my genious zone, like I didnt just feel intelligent, I actually felt like I grasped some absolute intelligence because what I was grasping was the actual fabric of reality which IS intelligence. So I wanted to write that gold down. Unfortunately I only had a smartwatch on, so I typed extremely slowly on there. Then I messed it up and had so start all over again. Then some dude came in talking shit and wanted something and I just said the few things that were nessecary to remain conscious of my insights while also getting him out of the room. So I got him out and was just about to finally write it down then some random ass fat women with warrior spit screamed and ran at me, jumping at me with a lethal attack, and I was so annoyed by it all, I was like, just kill me, I am going to write it down now and this wont break my fassade. So she made her lethal jump and my determination made it so that she was like a hologram, not fassing me. I think I even remembered resemblance to how my mom once broke me out of a deep meditation. Only after the third time she jumped me did I wake up from the dream. Not sure if I woke up in a new dream or actually woke up. I couldnt write down my insights anymore though. Well I wrote down that highlighted bit.

Did 2 RV sessions today and 2 yesterday, so I am free for the weekend. Am at home with my parents for a change and will either stay or go to berlin or back to my city, not sure yet. I am sure I am going to love to make that decision tomorrow.

Progress: i actually notice how thinking screws me in RV wanting to do it "right", is doing it wrong. NO THOUGHTS! .. Didnt help with my RV results though, still shitty.

You got some nerves, that you even consider going with them. I couldnt take that at all. When you go they get the sense that they can maybe talk you into it which will only make it more difficult, I would build a boundary as soon as possible.

AAAAAaaaaahhhhh!! 😂😂😂

I think its a name for both male and females. Jannis definitely is.

I like my name, its just for privacy reasons.

My sleep routine is getting out of hand, slept like 10-11 hours today. I dont really feel refreshed afterwards. Maybe socializing just costs me so much energy.

Was that her strategy as well?

Socializing went well today. Should have come earlier though. Generally I felt like I was more confident then usual. I feel like that time in Berlin helped so much, the momentum is still going. There is a girl I kind of vibe with and I didnt talk to her directly but we played a groups game so we built a bit of contact through that. Still have problems with whom to hug and who not to hug. There are some obvious choices and grey zones and I cant handle the grey zones at all. And the people in the grey zone seem confused as well. Aaaaagh

I dont really make a distinction of how I treat a relationship partner to how I treat a stranger. Well I "learned" to make a bit of a distinction. Uncivilized me didnt make a distinction. And it confused me how people could select whom they shower with love and who they leave out. Adhd medication makes distinguishing more possible. And life experience as well, I loose when I spread my love like this. Awful world.

Thanks, its just for privacy sake.