Jannes

I opened a table tennis video on my phone yesterday and feel how a jam is getting some holes which is the beginning of the end. I blocked youtube on my phone but I dont think I can easily block videos from a random blog. And it felt so good to watch NOOOO. It was a video highliting hte best momets from a match of Wang chuquin. It was so useful to see his chinese and also motivating. This is a though spot. What I learned though is that sometimes a temporary setback can give room for a new uprise. Not sure if it counts when I have this in mind beforehand though.

Goddammit, nobody is in the guided group anymore so I got out as well but now my sheep mode is broken. I need someone to tell me to be productive.

I need to eat more. The medication surpresses my appetite but I need carbs to think properly so I gotta remind myself to eat.

I feel like at least half of the reasoning of my old. theatre club leader to not respond was for PR reasons. It could explain his neutralness in his response or his willingness to only talk to me when I am staying part of the old theatre club. PR control is something I picked up on quite late.

Well wht I have to keep in mind is, you are not just born with a certain physical body but also with a certain psychology. Like what you are sexually attracted to. And maybe also how you feel about yourself in terms of gender. How deep is that illusion I wonder.

That my package with the table tennis blad takes more then a week to arrive is though. I am checking everyday what the satus is. But given that I cant really play this week anyway it might even be for the better.

I think I just fundamentally havent come to a conclusion about what I think about trans people. You are born with specific physical traits and changing them through surgery is costing resources and impacts your health negatively. Thats a fact. That people treat you differently because of your physical appearence and that there is a difference between soft dude phenomenological experience and women phenomenological experience is also a fact. Well I throw the word fact around a lot to get some stability in my thinking.

The trans friend of mine just posted her status on WhatsApp that the health insurance is gonna pay for her genital operation. She is getting her dick cut off. Does it make me (behing my open minded and good willed persona) uncomfortable ? Idk

Its like moment wher closeness is in the air, panic, oh the table tennis round is open lets go.

There were many situations today where closeness could have been built and I ran away from it every time. I cant get anyone near me easily at all.

What a shitty time at the social spot. My nervous system was. completly overwhelmed, when I took some breaks to go outside it was heavenly. Could have stayed out the whole time when I think about it. My confidence was pretty high though which is nice.

Found a new RV group. It is tacted in 25min working blocks with 5mins break in between. Its psychologically very relaxing, you just need to go sheep mode. I was very productive but men am I toasted right now, I hope I an keep my cognitive performance up for the coming days. Now I play a little well deserved table tennis.

So my youtube blocker really puts me in a though spt right now. I was just googling how to do a chop block in table tennis and there are explanations but none of them really explain it well, I probably need a video for it. But I blocked all of that. And unblocking it just a few times fucks with my head. 99% is way harder then 100%. So what now?

Not sure about what to do next with my current housework. I have got about 6-7 pages where I explain the history of how family evolved through specific events and how social work looked at it. Now I have to crank in how social work looks at families today. I have got current positions from modern studies at hand and prepared, so I want to put that in to safe time. I have also got a whole study analyzed of the experience gay families have in schools. Maybe like this, I use the book I got recommened to reflect the current positions of social workers of gay families and maybe correct or add to that the scientific consensus which I prepared. And then do the study for what reason .. ? Hmm I need a better plan. Maybe I can work out what I already do have and then built around that. But its so condense the scientific consensus, I feel ike its better to use it to proof something.