Jannes

I had one hell of an insightful dream when I took a nap this morning. I dreamt that I just woke up when I could see someone getting in my apartment through the balcony. It was the leader of my old theatre club. I could barely open my eyes or see clearly. I sat down to let my system activate. He was very calm and a bit funny about it with a big smile. I actually want his love. Wow. How he managed to sneak in (which was a question in the dream as well) and what that means I have no idea. Maybe the situation on the festival go reused. Interestingly I was also in kind of a vulnerable state at the festival, not knowing anybody and he was a bit like home there... he knew me in very vulnerable states...

I am taking the medicinet medication again. Gosh it feels so so much better then elvanse. I am not like an emotionally dull robot anymore whohoo!

If a first world country got bombed to the ground with all inventions gone and a new rebuilding phase characterized by strong physical labour and war with other surviving groups over leftover resources, I bet traditional gender roles would come right back. Gender roles are survival strategy. Masculinity and femininty are still needed, but the world got so much more comfy, men arent required to be traditionally masculine.. well at least not all of them. If less wee, that would be probably for the better .. well thats why men are praised for crying..

Had a meeting with my RV trainer today.. I was really not looking forward to it but I felt like I needed to do it. Well the new tipp is actually not that my focus is bad although it can probably be improved, its that the moment I ask the target I go into my head. Yeah lol I kinda forgot about it/ didnt put that much effort into it, I put it all into creating the best focus.

to delete stuff from my iPad to download the next update and in such of big blocks of memory storage I found an old video of mine where I recorded team fortress 2. Completly missed that block for some reason. As the addict that I am I instanly watched the whole 30 mins and it was really interesting to watch. My main mistake all the time was playing way way to agressively. Chasing frags without valuing my life. Like half the kills I could have gotten simply by positioning myself well and with good good spam. However there was sone moment that caught my attention. It was a super critical moment where I was caught between enemy players behind their lines and my decision making was top notch even though my mechanics were a little lackluster.

(from inside playdead)

My old theatre club put 2 more events on its page. It aint completly dead I feel happy about it .. huh Well thats my first emotional reaction at least

Okay she still didnt write me back. I cant help but not make any early assumptions, thats just how my brain is wired.

I think when I am honest with myself I probably realize that we didnt vibe that well. When I am honest with myself that is ..

Asked her if she likes billiard about 6 hours ago and she didnt reply yet. Nnnghh .. thats not a good sign at all. STOP I am overthinking this.

I was emotionally not really about what to do with my last date. Our first date wasnt a perfect match but somehow the onlynext date I could think of was cooking at my spot which is quite intimate and risky if it doesnt go well and I want to keep a nice connection with her afterwards. I dont think she asked me out to smash with me so a quick nut would be the wrong direction + its not actually what I really crave, I want connection as well. Just got the perfect idea, BILLIARD!! Its fun, light and not to intimate. Well if she is interested in it ofc. But in suggesting that I give a good direction.

I bet I said this just to flatter myself/ feet my spiritual ego.

My distrust in the stories of my own mind is really something lol ..

I wonder if all of this table tennis optimization really does me any good. Table tennis is not really survival for me, I do it for fun. Yet I turn it into a survival thing and take fun out of it I think. With my bad table tennis bat, table tennis was already pretty fun, I was just so limited in what I could do. Thats all. I have got all the materials to learn all the new shit I always wanted now. Planning a new bat is kind of fun but also painful in a way. I am passionate about it, "thrilled", "activated" , but also not really at peace I feel like. Idk Probably a developmental thing. Maybe I have more things to say about it later. Its weird, I may be in a lot of joy if I just put the cheap rubbers (with which I can learn all the new techniques) on my blade .. or maybe I am fooling myself with the next thing (camouflaged as a step back).

That the other person is intellectually curious seems to be a requirement for a partner of mine. I feel at home whhen I can philosophize and share my thoughts and when the other person can catch them and can give me new impulses. Not sure about how the exact dynamic like I dont think that I would be super interested with a debate partner ... but whats important is the ability to catch my thoughts and some sort of interest.