Jannes

Whats wild is that I felt a significant increase in my confidence today and I cant easily explain why. Two things come to mind. The seeming peace with the girl in the social spot and the seeming peace with the people from my old theatre club could be a factor. It also seemed to me that a friend of mine was quite unconfident which I found wild. But when he seemed confident later on I didnt really feel less confident.. so I guess it the first thing. Men oh men the old theatre club, such strong inner energies are funneled through it, it still has a grip on me.

Called her for the third time and no one is taking the phone. It becomes less scary every time though

She isnt taking the phone so its breakfast time.

Isnt it boring that its all love in the end, cant it have different flavours? Oh ...

I need to call a bafög person for student loans. The complication is that changed degrees without notifying them. Somehow I managed to not make it a big deal last time, but now I fear I can fuck it up. That would be the only thing I would really need medication for but I dont wanna take them. I need to make a plan/ a list on what I want to ask her. I need to pre structure my thoughts. That creates the risk of procrastination then to just go and call her first thing in the morning though..

I have to vote tomorrow, completly forgot about it. Havent really studied what I want to vote beforehand. There are 3 potential candidates for me: the leftist party, the greens and the spd (worker party). On "Wahl-O-Mat" I agree with all of them on about 68% of topics. If I remember that was way higher years ago. So my heart goes to the leftist party, I have two issues with them tho. For one they are strictly anti military and dont want to support marine military bases here. I think that is foolish, we need military against russia and that part of the country can take part in that. And second, the leftist party can split the population in two because they are very vocal about LGBTQ issues and all that and the majority of the population wont join them on these issues, at least not to that degree. LGBTQ issues is helped only by material improvements and redistribution, awareness for social problems arises from that settledness. That says the political philosophy which I consumed at least. The spd would give more of that. It would help with redistribution, housing prices and all that good stuff, it would also be good on LGBTQ issues (although not as good as the leftist) but it wouldnt be as vocal about it and wouldnt split the population with it. So it would slowly kind of go in the right direction. The greens are also a potential candidate to vote. They are similiar to the leftist and spd in many regards. Generally a bit more left leaning then the spd on social topics probably and with a strong focus on the environement. I think its good, I just dont have a big focus on it personally. Environemental topics should be considered, but one country cant do it alone, it will only burn out doing it.

Played pen and papers for the first time today. Was pretty fun. But half the way in I couldnt concentrate that much anymore. And men am I tired again despite caffeine.

So much happened today at my social spot, I cant believe it. So first one girl who is friends with the girl I have beef talked to two girls I am friends with. And I was immediately in fear of what she might tell them. They also seemed a little distanced at first but become as friendly as before afterwards, what a relief. The girl who started the whole attack was also there. Our eyes met for a split second, I looked down, immediately looked back at her to see what her reaction was and she looked down as well. She probably talked to people from the old theatre club. Then I saw my freaking ex with folks from the old theatre club. My ex tried to smash me out of the china round every time and missed every time. I was pretty distanted to her. One of the girls of the old theatre club which I personally had quite a problem with tried to rebuilt our relationsip it seemed like. Later I saw a girl which I chatted up like 1 or 2 years ago. We got in the final of the china round accidently and it was super warm and sweet which motivated me to go and talk to her. It was super good which was pretty confusing. I think she felt that I wasnt so interested before is my interpretation. I also got in the final with another girl I was previously kind of trying to get close to and it was nice. At the end she offered me a fistbump though. That was pretty symbolic, we just fucked it up. But it was a clear signal at least, nothing to get out of that. And at the social spot its the first time in a long time that I felt kind of safe and grounded. I might get my home back!

Yesterday evening it was a super soft and friendly goodbye mood between guys. I got 2 hug which I enjoyed and was about to go but needed to say goddbye to two guys close to me. But I just reached my inner limit of intimacy between guys, two guys was enough. So I just gave them a fistbump.. Things would be easier if I didnt have that, but I do.

Slept for 10 hours again today and am still sleepy. Woah

The social spot was pretty stressful today. I was playing for an hour or two straight though in the end. I was so at peace in that moment.

I saw THE girl I had beef with/ that started the whole story with my social spot today. She was outside with a group as I walked by with a friend. I noticed her very fast and told it my friend. I walked by about 30 meter distance without looking at her and we went inside a shop. There is no point talking to her, our relationship is fucked. Thats something I gotta learn, when someone wants to ignore me, or feels hurt by me, I need to let them be and not try to fix it.

I wonder what the current stalling about AI is about with the big players. They say its for safety reasons, which could very well be the case. But maybe moreso they want to keep the dream of AGI. "We could have AGI, it would simply be too dangerous to create."

I had such a weird ass dreams today. Well I dreamed that I remembered something like a dream or a memory. Like I had the dream that I had a dream of something and that I couldnt figure out if that (in the dream) was a dream or an actual memory. In that dream (in the dream) I was going through some super dark cave. You couldnt see in it with your bare eyes. But because I was kind of mental I just wanked it and got through it. At the other side I was at some super secred dark place, with many levels. And I think I arranged something with some people there. My secret dark side activities lol. And all of that seemed like something the girl I had problems with at the social spot noticed. And then afterwards I remembered that i threw apples at a girl in the old theatre club which I didnt like. Also yelled at her and stuff. And then I remembered that the inner space of my apartment complex had some kind of giant celebration and party going on. And that everyone at the inner balcony was looking at it. With even people getting on my balcony or looking inside which I hated for privacy reasons. These dreams felt so real lol, when I was barely awake I still thought about that I might have a double personality which just barely notices what the other side is doing. Well I have new material for contemplation now..

I kind of wanted to talk with him about my old theatre club situation. Well that got a lot more difficult now.