Jannes

That will trigger me much more in the coming days then I can admit right now. It always has. Ending it completly is perhaps better.

Wow, a girl I had a crush on in my old theatre club just blocked me on WhatsApp or turned off her profile picture and text. She changed her profile pic on my birthday drinking from a fancy glass. Its too much to explain in short here but I interpretate it as flirting .. At the same time I got a super weird text message from a female friend of mine asking me to go to a marriage of a friend of hers (where all friends are allowed). A shake in the force perhaps ..

Back after about a week of festival experience. Well building up the festival for 5 days and then partying for 3 days.

A girl distanced herself from me a bit yesterday. I was kind of in a flirty situation with her and then flirted with one of her friends as well. Its well deserved but I still feel bad about it.

I love my current table tennis setup. I am very comfortable with my new racket but there will likely be many more improvements down the line. I also switched my forehand side with my backhand side from time to time. I am debating wether I want a thicker or thinner sponge on my backhand. I thinner sponge would give me more defensive control, while a thicker sponge would give me more power. I can play with both honestly although I havent tested a truly offensive coating. An even thinner sponge would also be interesting to test but I do have a lot of control even with 1,7mm. I think if I play against stronger opponents I will see some limits with my material, but I already play against people who go into table tennis clubs.

It makes sense with the old theatre club. The leader wanted to talk about things 1 on 1 with me. If not he needed to gaslight as much as possible because then its the wild west. Just like your survival situation changes once you dont talk about things in private with someone and it becomes public. When it becomes public, survival pressure corrups the whole thing. ... Wait no, he had chances to talk to me. Well also no, I think my position was pretty clear that I was done with the club.

I felt kind of bad for a table tennis mate yesterday. He plays in a real table tennis club and kind of taught me a few things. I always kind of felt that he was comaring himself with me in some aspects and that he generally feels ahead was pretty obvious. With my new bat I kind of wrecked him yesterday though and yesterday evening I saw his status in Whatsapp saying that the only thing he is good at is procrastination. He is a long time unemployed and table tennis is his thing.. Maybe I am overthinking this.

Gym note lol: If selfishness is requirement to become selfless, isn't all selfishness ultimately embedded into a larger strive for selflessness?

That pressure is also somewhat freeing though. I am forced to get my shit handled. I think I would actually like to job at a bar. It would be another social spot and I would earn money. It could be a little nerve wrecking though..

Holy shit I just realized I am fucked. I cant get student loans for next semester. I have two more months of support and then I need an alternative. If everything goes well my next semester will be stuffed though, so I cant job as well and then I am facing a though time period considering the job market atm..

Love cant be stored away in a honey jar.

Weird cocktail, just came from the gym and am sitting with happy emotions. Too bad that the artist girl is getting married. She did show a lot of interest to me previously though.

I am kind of in love with the artist girl ... where the hell is this coming from all of the sudden !?

These thoughts didnt originate from nowhere..

Just got a call from my dad about some technical things with his smartphone and stuff but also he wanted to make a point about a talk with my mom I had recently. My mom made pretty clear that my room I have at home will in the mid to long term be changed into another something different, as I dont live there anymore. And I also shouldnt hoard that many clothes there. In a way I felt kind of kicked out, but it also wasnt that bad. I should get kicked out as an act of kindness. I need to find my own path in this world and not having a comfy backup is actually helping me psychologically. So in this way, if it was meant in this way, this is actually an act of kindness. Well my dad kinda reversed the whole thing behind my moms back and said in his opinion of course the room should stay the same so that I always have a nice base to return if I want to. Kind of realized how that also wasnt good for me half in the conversation..