Jannes

My RV practice wasnt that good today. I think its because I am still processing so much of what happened yesterday. There is always so much going on socially that its much to process.

Radical reinterpretation of death

Idea for a pretty dark piece of art. A flame burning a whole in a piece of paper. Around the lighting flame is the paper gradually degrading. However the degrading is reinterpreted as something beautiful. Directly around the flame which is the light, are beautiful, godly-ish patterns which slowly become less and less as the the further away the paper is from the flame where it becomes "normal". This represents death as the light and the living world as away from god. Not sure how that would sit with suicidal people though.

Just finished with my (working) desk. I placed an arm on the side which holds a multifunctional plate where I can add or reduce functionalities. Atm I place my pens and papers there which leaves my working table completle empty. Only the items I use atm are on the table. I am so happy with this result. My working table is the place where I am a good chunk everyday so you gotta built a nest that suits you.

Sucking in your belly

Human social skills ARE based on corruption. This is why adhd folk appears to paradoxically have extremely deep social intuition while at the same time sucking at many usual social skills. (The girl has adhd and autism)

Yesterday when I was socializing I was talking to this one girl I slowly built a connection with. Then another dude who was friends with her came to the group and I kinda (and I thought subtly) marked my territory by going a step forward and not let him get in the table tennis round. She immediately just left me there. Kudos to her, holy shit, first for spotting my survival tricks and second for having no tolerance for it whatsoever. And the guy truly was super nice and just a platonic friend it wasnt cool that I interrupted that. I still have some shame about that moment.

Socializing today ... At first I really wasnt warmed up and felt like I screwed up two greeting by not really greeting two people. I just couldnt really do it and I kind of hated myself for it. It really just wasnt doable emotionally for some reason. Also my usual friend wasnt there wh played a bit of a emotional provider before so it really wasnt that easy. At that point I became conscious of the importance of initiative. If you are passive all the time that really plays into your confidence in a negative way. There is kind of a power dynamic just determined by who initiates. That forced me to socialize with other people I dont usually socialize with though and somehow later that night I entered a really good social state. I was pretty effortlessly funny and didnt really care anymore. Some of the best social state I had in a really long time.

Men that was pretty brutal. I wanted to do something, but I was missing all the tools for it. Giving a handshake for a goodbye would have been one thing to do.

Why the hell is my device not blocked .. ? Anyway, I had a great social evening today. It was pretty hard to get back into it after a weekend of alone time, not my usual monday event and then getting back into it today at wednesday again. But I managed. Especially the social hierarchies, who not hug and what not was hard, took me back to months. But after that was over I eased into a pretty good social mood. Had one encounter where I kinda started a connection simply bc of adhd. She didnt even interest me that much but just that she was someone new made it instantly super intense and when it got too much I didnt really know how to break it up so I spent most of the time with someone else, leaving her confused perhaps. Thats not cool but I didnt know any better. But such a typical adhd moment I experienced plenty of times. Also what I notice is that I really need to listen to what feels good to me with these hugs and such. When I constantly play a role, I dont have my feelings as a compass bc I betray them. So even though its hard, I need to be honest with myself with who I want to hug and not. I CAN say, Hi it takes me some time until I get warm with people so I am just giving you a handshake for now. In a sense that creates the way to a new connection because I dont enter with overwhelm each time. I really tried to feel into me today. Its not easy. One the way to unfog my inner compass. The wpmi-girl seems very broken, what the hell. I know that she is on anti-depresents, but now she has a whatsapp pic of herself basically collapsed, with her head laying on the shelf "I cant do this anymore".

Complete hit or miss with RV. Two complete fails but pretty good last one. Still not sure what it is but I have a lot of corrections in mind that I always try to apply. I think my very first RV session which was about 6 years ago might have been the best. I remember snippits of it in my practice.

I had a consultation meeting with this skincare professional right away today. I felt very uncomfortable, I mean I have no job atm, its expensive, I already look attractive and my skin doesnt deform me or anything, its just a slight aesthetic inconvenience. The women doing the consulation there also wasnt really that warm, everything was super bright white (literally the whole room and all the items) and she talked basically purely professionally with me. I eased into it after 10mins or so and finally owed my vanity. So the best option I basically have is laser on my cheeks where it is possible that 1 or 2 sittings are enough for 67 Euro a session and for the forehead she also offered treatments in the same price range, it would be more treatments though.

Okay now I needed to sign in with my Laptop. Can you only be signed in with one device at once .. ?

Finally logged in with my phone. Don't know why I haven't done it before.