Jannes

I just found out that I cant do my internship at a startup coaching place (probably). Thats to bad as that was actually something that interested me. I have to come to terms that I am actually not that interested in the whole social worker thing. Well maybe a bit. I am definitely interested in peoples psychology, but many human stories bore me to shit. But also that takes some pressure off me, I just need to try something out and when it sticks it sticks, if it doesnt, well I didnt plan for it. I have to be honest, I really secretly hoped that by this time my RV practice would turn out more fruitful. ... What makes me feel some relief though is that with housing money and a few hours of a job I could almost survive. Thats not nothing. That means my existance is saved for a while (and I could do free shit on my own).

I took my sex toy out again and its very nice. Puts less pressure on me to find someone for better or for worse.

Mmmhhh a picture to make you think ... Would your mind come in contact with the consciousness of the plant the moment the plant eats up your brain cells?

My current gaming experience. Well I do need experience in all 3 aspects, but I can chat up girls and also have sex, the problem is the escalation itself. I have very little in my actual toolbox. Body contact in socially appropriate situations like laughter or hugs, escalation ladder, complimenting someones lips ... But men I do feel dirty every time I am invested in game and let my psyche be corrupted by sex.

That will trigger me much more in the coming days then I can admit right now. It always has. Ending it completly is perhaps better.

Wow, a girl I had a crush on in my old theatre club just blocked me on WhatsApp or turned off her profile picture and text. She changed her profile pic on my birthday drinking from a fancy glass. Its too much to explain in short here but I interpretate it as flirting .. At the same time I got a super weird text message from a female friend of mine asking me to go to a marriage of a friend of hers (where all friends are allowed). A shake in the force perhaps ..

Back after about a week of festival experience. Well building up the festival for 5 days and then partying for 3 days.

A girl distanced herself from me a bit yesterday. I was kind of in a flirty situation with her and then flirted with one of her friends as well. Its well deserved but I still feel bad about it.

I love my current table tennis setup. I am very comfortable with my new racket but there will likely be many more improvements down the line. I also switched my forehand side with my backhand side from time to time. I am debating wether I want a thicker or thinner sponge on my backhand. I thinner sponge would give me more defensive control, while a thicker sponge would give me more power. I can play with both honestly although I havent tested a truly offensive coating. An even thinner sponge would also be interesting to test but I do have a lot of control even with 1,7mm. I think if I play against stronger opponents I will see some limits with my material, but I already play against people who go into table tennis clubs.

It makes sense with the old theatre club. The leader wanted to talk about things 1 on 1 with me. If not he needed to gaslight as much as possible because then its the wild west. Just like your survival situation changes once you dont talk about things in private with someone and it becomes public. When it becomes public, survival pressure corrups the whole thing. ... Wait no, he had chances to talk to me. Well also no, I think my position was pretty clear that I was done with the club.

I felt kind of bad for a table tennis mate yesterday. He plays in a real table tennis club and kind of taught me a few things. I always kind of felt that he was comaring himself with me in some aspects and that he generally feels ahead was pretty obvious. With my new bat I kind of wrecked him yesterday though and yesterday evening I saw his status in Whatsapp saying that the only thing he is good at is procrastination. He is a long time unemployed and table tennis is his thing.. Maybe I am overthinking this.

Gym note lol: If selfishness is requirement to become selfless, isn't all selfishness ultimately embedded into a larger strive for selflessness?

That pressure is also somewhat freeing though. I am forced to get my shit handled. I think I would actually like to job at a bar. It would be another social spot and I would earn money. It could be a little nerve wrecking though..

Holy shit I just realized I am fucked. I cant get student loans for next semester. I have two more months of support and then I need an alternative. If everything goes well my next semester will be stuffed though, so I cant job as well and then I am facing a though time period considering the job market atm..

Love cant be stored away in a honey jar.