Jannes

He is a prediccament I found about my feelings. Survival power is sexy. I found the kind of girls who can manipulate and cheat interesting BECAUSE they have survival power and yet the very same that puts me off. So thats what most Dating is about, is finding the right balance of survival powers, roughly matching the energy of the other person. Bone on Bone/ clinched in. Unless people are spiritual, that creates freedom.

"If you need help why dont you let yourself get abused?"

Partying is so though. When I feel all the insecurities creeping up in me, all the times I didn't take opportunities for moral reasons which now manifest as a lack of nessaccary confidence. Most of the time it's not that noticeable but at a disco its survival on crack. There is this sense in me that I need to get justice for it. But really and that needs to sink in, I won't. I was moral and kept my soul intact but it will hurt me materialistically.

And I thought at least Bill Gates, aka rich guy giving all his money away for a good cause, was something good in this world. Well people have many layers at least.

I am in such a decision overload right now. I can book for tomorrow or not. I dont know what I want to do tomorrow honestly. I have got my disco which I am just maybe going to. I could talk to some friends and do something. I dont want to pay for tomorrow gnnnnah but it gives me lots of options, like I can go outside a bit and then go back and chill as I like. Its kind of a no-brainer ..

Made me remember this one

Stimulating

I remember back then I saw this movie with a friend. Two things I always loved about circuses, well three things: One the show itself. Bringing people into awe seems like a very noble thing. Second the picture-esk train rides in Disney movie. When the train drives through a beautiful landscape in the evening. You climp on the train and can see the stars ... And third being kind of a weird and in some aspects overpowered person. Most of it is simply adhd I think. The first thing for sure, the second thing also as I constantly look for a place which is both peaceful but also stimulating so I can process my emotions. And the third as well, the search for finding people where I can really express myself. ... Interestingly I kind of forgot my high energy aspect of myself. Well I am expressing it to a certain degree, kinda contained, at my social spot. But high energy/ adhd people around me could get me to new heights.

On my hostel trip in Berlin again. A bunch of pretty intense memories came up just being in this mindstate. And I also thought about two girls I am both good with at my social spot atm. I fantasized that we could maybe have a relationship all together and the faces other people would make if I told them that. And I actually developed feelings. And that made some things pretty clear, for one a relationship partner is definitely status signaling for me. And second I just think that I havent found my match yet. I didnt take all the opportunities I have got for development bc of integrity so there is still a lot of insecurity I have got but below it all I think I am hot shit and I deserve nothing else then hot shit. Thats where I can find my romantic feelings.

This dude is like: "You are a piece of shit 🙂" Yeah I was on something like this once to try it out in a nightclub. Absolute cheatcode ... Not sure if he is on anything, but his confidence is pretty insane.

Reminds me of this. Maybe spiritual places/ temples are important. But what should they even look like. Humanity can built lots of physically impressive buildings, but I dont think we have much ideas on building a spiritual temple.

What a beautiful spiritual city. I dont think there is something quite like it in the west. It actually just looks like a psychedelic trip. I wonder what its like being there. .. To make a decision on war is kind of on the one hand perverted and on the other hand deep/ good. You should make decisions from a spiritual sort of place but usually you dont get the idea of violence from that which seems to suggest that it is more of a fassade, a sort of self brainwashing that the decision came from a spiritual place when it actually didnt.

God I am fried. I did exactly that, go very early so that I could ease into it but I stayed till the very end. 7 hours of nonstop socializing.

Aaaaah I dont know what to do. I am split between two paths 1) Go to Berlin now 2) Go to my social spot today Well 2) is my choice but then I dont know how to start this evening. I dont want it to be like the other times when I am overwhelmed by all the people there, I want a smooth start like yesterday. But I dont know anybody really to do something like play some billiard asap right now. But then what do I do!?!? Well I can just go NOW, there wont be anyone pretty much, so I can have a smooth start and increase step by step. Damn I really need to write to make a thought.

Basically all in their early twenties, with older women I cant tell as I have less experience with them.