Jannes

I feel all sorts of emotions about writing this. I guess I shouldnt write anything I wouldnt ask in person. I am such a .. something.

A girl I know just sent me pictures of me at the club this saturday. She made an insane snapshot. I thanked her a lot and after a bit of back and forth with hearts throwen in I added that I would love to return the favor in some way if there is something I could do (implying sex). Its so unholy, I would delete the message right away if I could. She made obvious attempts that she would like to hookup in the past but it still feels inappropriate, using and perverting a moment of genuine friendliness. Well maybe she also wanted to come close who knows, but I shouldnt expect that, so moral points lost on me.

Things I learned from the hairdresser: He cut more free space around the ear At the top you can cut your hair with a crown and electric razor by putting the hair into a position to be cut with the crown. I only used scizzors, so that may be better Appearently the back of my head didnt look so good, at least he commented on it which would make sense. Maybe I need a better mirror For the pony he made vertical cuts with a slight tilt. Maybe 15 Degree tilt. And the disparities were a few centimeters. When I shake my hair though it looks like more Very short sides look good. Even 2mm Hair powder gives a huge wow boost. I could use it more

Went to the hairdresser today to get the pony done because I need some kind of guidance. It was pretty weird, the one I had haircuts with before cut my hair and I wasnt sure but it felt like there was some underlying tension. I expected that as I showed him that I basically dont need him anymore but it hit different, it hit in an actual way. Told him the sides were good, only like 1mm needs to be cut and he went right away and cut my sides to 2mm (from 7-8mm). Not sure if he misheard or if he was annoyed by all of it and wanted to feel like he actually had something to do. Didnt immediately recognize just how short it was and couldnt go back anyways so I didnt say anything. For the pony I described that I wanted huge disparities in the hair length. He did half of what I said and said that would be the maximum of what would look good. Didnt want to mess it up so I accepted it although I did remember that I could bigger disparities before and that this looked great. I feel like people on the streets were less warm to me. I might look more right wing now. Or I look very attractive and people feel intimidated. Put on a colourful chain for compensation. Obviously stupid conformity games. But it feels awful to be put into a category you dont want to be put it.

That we imagine death. Well not fully I think but I became conscious of many of the minds tricks and story it invents about death which are a joke. That reality is made out of nothing. The most solid "something" sensation is completly hollow. I need to trip more.

Well Vlad Vexler would argue that because of Trumps narcisstic supply dependence on Putin he would act in ways to let both of them be winners in the end and this would be such a way.

Even went to the gym afterwards. No energy though but I got through it.

Had an insane productivity drive today simply because of Elvanse. My To-Do Wall looks so empty.

Need a new daily routine for my practice to stay consistent. The new short rv sessions have 5 questions (instead of 15) so I am gonna do this: A) 4 short sessions, or B) 1 short session followed by one regular RV session .. This increases the workload. It would be intuitive to do either 3 short sessions or 1 long session but I think one short session before a long one is required to see how well I am doing.

So I just had a session with my RV trainer today!! Got some new tools, mainly a site with targets where I can view 5 things and then immediately check if I was right or not. This way I can see my mistakes and or what what I done right way faster. My homework assignment for the next session is 15 regular RV sessions and about 10-12 hours of practice on this new site. I also asked if I would need to pay tax on the 50 Euro payment for the session and he said it would be up to 190 Euro starting at 5 Euro and yeah I need to pay tax depending on my country. Its not great but I would still get most of it. Damnit I should have asked immediately why 5 Euro, I thought it starts at 50 Euro, but the question was such a vibe killer. Will put it in my next Email next to some other questions. ____ But the main advice for improving my viewing was that I am not actually looking at the target, I am looking into my head afterwards. I also noticed this about myself and made the analogy with how people in Berlin flirt way more openly and directly instead of me shying away from it. You need to throw your whole mind into it. He gave the analogy of a dog which is running away in the forest and you scream the name of the dog and become completly open to any impression. I need to work on finding ways to opening myself more in this way. Its natural to struggle at this in the beginning, everybody struggles with this at the start.

Doing RV actually isnt that bad as it was in the beginning. I also learned to follow through in a session. I still have plenty of thoughts at times but they dont lead me to crazy contemplations like it used to be which is why I dont write my daily RV insights down anymore.

Tomorrow I have a RV session with my trainer. Its well overdo, after 30 sessions you get one with your trainer and I am at 48 now because I havent dialed in a medication routine yet. Its a big deal, maybe he can correct some things. I was afraid that I wouldnt follow through on RV so I thought I better start with one session a day instead of not doing it at all. That was a clever strategy back then but maybe I can go up to 2 sessions a day now. I really want to learn the skill or fail asap for future planning. Cant rely on it as a building block yet but am also to comfortable to look for other options as long as this may be possible.

Made it through the day really well despite being sleep deprived. 20mg Elvanse worked great today. Well right now I dont think I could socialize well as I lost most of the effect but most of the day went well even into the night with impro acting. No conclusions on Elvanse yet.

No particular order. I also had in mind how people might see me. honest observant contemplative hidden crazy fun energy when known better creative confused idealistic not dominant resilient

Leo print