Jannes

Okay so I drove to Berlin but then didnt feel like going to my friend and went to a table tennis bar instead. Got the number of a girl there. She seems to be in her end twenties or early thirties and looks pretty good. I think a one night stand was on the table but I missed it. Looking back it may have been kind of a dick move to not go to my friends birthday event, I was kinda scared to go because I would have met a bunch of people I have never seen before and I was pretty late and was going early as well, so that was a bit akward. But I simply wasnt in the state to handle that situation, I was too numb or socially to exhausted to make a good decision there. Well I dont think my decision was super bad either.

I am also scared of meeting a bunch of people that I have never seen before.

Yeah, I would love to have a look ..

OMG OMG OMG OMG

Sitting in the train now. Two thoughts flash my mind 1) I should respect myself more. Doing the trip is people pleasing. 2) I am in fact very productive in the train. But this is kinda working accidently, I am hiding my people pleasing side under this excuse.

A friend of mine is celebrating his birthday today. It would be about a 3 hour drive to the place, then about a 3 hour stay and then about 3 hours back. I cant decide if I want to go or not. I kind of dont want to, but I could actually be pretty productive in the train. He was completly understanding if I wouldnt want to go. I have to dedide in the next 5min aaaahh!!

Holy shit. At first I couldnt believe this is real.

Maybe thats why people often look for eye contact, things are more connected to their essence there.

Things seem so disconnected from their essence. When people argue about something, they have to do it through their meatsuit, through time and space, through a limited vision, through limited processing power, through a survival agenda. The challenge is to somehow move the original thing through all these practical challenges. How much is getten lost in this way.

Found a new route for a walk. That was good. Thought about some good things.

The mind gets corrupted in two ways. When it doesnt have power and competence it finds excuses and miscredits the powerful. When it has to much power it also gets corrupted because it needs some sort of resistance, its not built to hold together on its own. Will formulate that better at some point. ... Power should be proportional to love.

The artist girl is gonna leave the city. She has a place to become an ergo therapist somewhere else and wants to get kids with her husband as well. Men she is really kinda one of the few people I have feelings for.

I am just sitting on my ass the whole day and cant get up , wtf. Welp I am recovering a bit from yesterday and didnt take medication today but its pretty trippy. In cases like these blocking all access to technology would be magical.

There is an interesting power dynamic between masculinity and femininity. Masculinity which is characterized by an alter ego has more potential to surpress emotions in the moment. But in the end it isnt immune to it and needs feeding. So masculinity can sometimes win a short emotional fight but then loose the war at the whole.

Today an experience I made times and times again repeated. I wasnt really feeling it, not really getting into a social mood. And it felt like someone I am starting to get to know atm didnt even want to befriend me anymore. I felt pretty rejected. So I took some initiative and sat to a girl I was interested. And all of a sudden I was in a super social state. Being brave and possibly also feeling that I dont get everything handed to me. I wonder if there are strategies to get that faster. Like maybe I could deliberately do something I am usually uncomfortable with just to get into a social mood.