Jannes

Yesterday was such a fun 2 v 2 table tennis tournament game. We had the top 2 players who play professionally with both a girl who was low to mid level.

Yesterday at my social spot was intense. My super strong interest to bond with someone and socialize as much as possible vanished a bit, likely because its easier for me to deal with less stimulation now. I became more aware and more .. steadfast in some situations. For example there was one situation where a girl I knew and a dude went to the social spot and were only 100 meters away. I drove by them waving, but I could of handled it more smoothy by stopping, hugging her, greeting him and then going the rest with them. A minor misscalculation. But then later I realized how she made some kind of sexual gesture towards a fuckboy-ish dude (which I shouldnt notice) likely ... I am overthinking this lol. Point was I realized that I wasnt acting confidently, lost status because of it and sexual market value and didnt hide away from it but faced it because I couldnt get away with easy dopamine. .. Another situation also bugged me a little. I chit chatted and kinda flirted with this one girl last time and she made it pretty obvious that she was sexually interested with a pretty intimate hug. This time I saw and greeted her again, even though we were in a group we talked 1 on 1 and she really made room for me to ask for her number or something which I didnt do and so she said we will see each other next time. Not sure what it was, I dont really know what I want I think. Its problematic partially because she is in a friend groups with a girl I like more but because I like her friend more but am not sure about a relationship thats stopping me a bit. Also I dont really feel good about casual sex with her .. I just dont, but that only comes from direct experience. Just came out of a long phase of no sexual interest and am starting to make the same mistake again. If you dont learn from your mistakes you make them again.

I just remember, I used to play this game a lot back in the day as a teenager. What a psychopathic thing to do although I would probably still play it. I remember it being much more bloody then what the picture suggests.

I think its interesting when a creative idea really comes to light. What is it that makes an idea just click for so many people. Of course some of it is conforming hype but not all.

Appearently the productivity gain from a large monitor is very measurable. 10% to 40% more productivity on a large screen.

The monitor is actually pretty cheap. Its like 150 euros new. A good table tennis racket costs about that much. Crazy world.

Buying a cable tomorrow, then I can put my Mac down and use my old keyboard and mouse on the full screen. Its an experiment. Potentially I can built a new structure this way, maybe force myself to only work at my desk or something like this. A big screen is comfy.. ... which might not be a good thing ..

I never thought about the idea to connect my old gaming monitor with my Mac. But I just did it. Men its like 3 times the size at least. Not sure how I feel about it, but for long university tasks its probably superior.

Wrote my friend a pretty long message about how I thought about his psychology atm. That feels good, thats something I used to do more often. Its part of my personality to do that.

If you follow the tracks of survival, situations usually make sense If something which goes completly against the grain of survival happens, that point will create colladeral confusion

Discord There are a bunch of services which offer online body doubling, some in small groups, some 1 on 1 with different pricing. I like discord because its free

Men I feel SO DRAINED Trying to motivate myself the whole day but it just doesnt work. A mix of sadness and lethargicness. At least I made it to my body doubling group.

Being constantly overstimulated and therefore not that interested in human business had it perks. I am more involved with other people now and in touch with their bullshit.

The moment felt like this He asked me a question which opened me up emotionally to some of the things I value the most Then he crashed into me and opened up full force about this thing, placing some emotional weight into an emotional space of mine which is important/ sacred kind of It reads weird, like how can I feel bad about someone opening up and getting into tears but I cant help but feel used. Maybe its lack of experience or unwillingness to open up on my end or maybe I read it perfectly.

It kind of makes sense to me that someone would feel emotionally overwhelmed by him. There is an interesting balance, he kind of needed to fight for everything, all the love and got pretty confident in doing so but lacking this natural inner peace and he seems to look for people who have that and are willing to keep up with him because he has survival value.