Jannes

Will add something shortly but got a zoom meeting coming up. Damnit what a state change.

So I was hesitant to write in this Journal about what really happened at the old theatre club. Or well I did imply or was pretty explicit about many things actually but never the biggest chunk which involved me directly. I realized that I had to put it out at some point, this is MY supposed safe space of all things so where else but even that felt too much. Now I am in this situation where I wrote this girl this message which likely comes across as uncomfortable to her so I recoiled and thought I would delay it a bit, but NO! this is the perfect moment to open up because it puts me in this gun to the head no bullshit light which I want, so here we go. So at one point in my old theatre club I had a talk with the leader of my old theatre club and he told me there were instances of people in the old theatre club or in the social space who felt molested or sexually molested by me. I think it was sexually molested. The stories werent explained in detail and the people wanted to stay anonymous. He said he didnt didnt kick me out because he couldnt sort these situations aka couldnt tell if they were bs or not and he also considered that I was a hardcore overthinker. He told me that he interpreted the situations that I likely didnt want to cause harm and was likely inexperienced with flirting but if anything like that would ever occur gain I would be kicked out of the theatre club. He flirted with me before and maybe a year later even explicitly asked if I was interested in anything intimate/ romantic so my best guess at the time was that he didnt kick me out because he wanted to keep me as an option around. So my sensemaking was this. The hurdle to speak up and say that you are the victim of molesting is quite high. And if 3 people say that is must be almost guarenteed that the person did something very wrong, unless the 3 people built some kind of bond. So obviously that stayed with me and I thought basically every day I was in the theatre club about which instance could have caused this happening. What I can say is to my best knowledge I never verbally or physically molested anyone. What did happen was strong and flirty eye contact everywhere. But that was basically never an attempt to flirt, opening up felt difficult, I couldnt get my body into, it felt overwhelming, so I stuck at the sublte level. What also happened that I sometimes put much attention on certain people because that helped me emotionally process. Mainly the leader of the theatre club who felt like I was flirting with him for that reason. Also I was so strongly emotionally unstable that I looked for some kind of grounding everywhere. I "flirtly smiled" at everyone, females, males, even my male enemies which was always about getting grounding and harmony. Some later pointers: - So later I found out at least one of the three people. Well, there was a lot of back and forth and drama and miscommunication which could be considered molesting but I rejeted her sexually multiple times bc she was with her bf and I was emotionally unstable. - Another girl very obviously avoided me. She left the club before me and when she visited I went for a hug but she seemed very conscious about sending the wrong signal to the other members. That happened a couple of times until I was pretty certain. On a birthday party where we were both invited she seemed to make the same gesture and another girl there seemed to have a deep talk with her. She said to me, never get between a couple in a relatively casual way (not diretly as something that is targeted at me but still). She seemed emotionally charged but afterwards she actually seemed nice and open to me, even reigniting the smiles but then blocking me on WhatsApp lol. Much later she even catched me in a hallway and slowed down the tempo and had a friendly chit chat with me. Its the same technique I noticed about the girl in my seminar recently. Afterwards her ex-bf had a friendly chat with me in the train, telling me about how he was struggling with stress and responsibility and because of that the relationship didnt hold. Basically putting responsibility on himself. What an absolute chad move. Looking back shortly after I first met her we were at a bar and some older guy sat next to us and started to physically molest her. I was the only guy in that group. None of the girls didnt do anything it was quite intense. Some kind of survival instinct opened up in me, I looked her very deeply in the eyes, signaling her that I got her and that I will basically do anything in this situation to protect her. Told the guy very calmly that he could sit next to us no problem but that physical contact is a little much. After I got this out the girls started supporting. He made a second attempt which I catched with the girls supporting again and so he stopped. He looked like he was very close to wanting to start a fist fight with me. I actually had the time of my life, possibly as a reaction to old trauma where I was physically assulted so this made it an opportunity for processing. I kind of wanted him to start a fight even. Well later a girl to my right asked me if I could go to the barkeeper if I could tell him to get the guy out of there, she was too scared, so I did that and it worked. Left the bar at some point. Days afterwards she immediately greeted me with a hug and I kinda felt like she was a bit of an oriantation point for me. Later at a show I smiled at her quite strongly and she avoided it and I didnt get what the problem was because to me it was platonic so I kept it up a second time. That was the one time I maybe went to far. There were other instances in my old theatre club where girls wanted to sleep with me but I was emotionally too unstable or didnt want to embaress myself so I didnt went for it. Its also the case that I noticed that my flirty eye contact had quite an effect on people and because I still a pretty strong player ego as a reaction to the felt powerlessness in social interactions, this boosted my ego quite a lot. Even though I never did anything with it and even made breaks from the theatre club when the attention but too much I wasnt strong enough to admit to myself that I didnt make all of it happen, it was all accidental. I wanted to find a moment where I was emotionally stable to get with a girl there which would boost me up so that I would be capable of taking in the opportunities I knew I got but couldnt do anything with. That was me being a devil. Only much later did I admit that to myself, well in the spirit of that strategy but it just didnt work out the way I had hoped with that girl. It didnt lead anywhere. Whats also true is that I am/ was quite akward at flirting. But I dont remember actually flirting with anyone ever. I could never talk to anyone because everyone would fall under one of the categories: A) I did accidently flirt with them so I couldnt talk about my problem with flirting with other people because they were involved as well B) They were BFs and angry or jealous at me C) They were too young to actually take in everything I said D) they were close friends to the people I would criticize E) they came later and werent involed in my situation Generally nobody would have ever profited of talking with me about it, it never overlapped with anyones survival agenda. The few people that were available I made very strong attempts to get help but it didnt help. I missed a few chances realistically but it was so hard to open up about it, I had problems trusting anyone, so I couldnt initiate it. Later in the old theatre club I had a f+ with a girl there. She was kind of the one communication gate between the club and me, so lots of responsibilty on her but also potential for corruption. Well she developed feelings but couldnt communicate what she wanted. I wanted to talk to her about everything that happened there but as soon as I brought it up she kind of blocked. Our power dynamic was already very inbalanced with me being unmatched basically so that would have made the gap unbalancable basically. After I broke up because I couldnt take it anymore she made all kinds of attempts at making me look bad even though I was crystal clear in my communication and even supported her with finding other guys even though it hurt myself. ... I opened up about a huge chunk of what I wrote here to the leader of my old theatre club just as I left. Basically 30min on condensed messaging, it was just that much. He didnt reply. After a week I left all the WhatsApp groups related to the theatre club. I had the possibility to say everybody goodbye but even after 3 years I didnt feel part of the group so it wasnt authentic to me to say some nice words so I didnt do it. He made a nice voice message where he said that I missed that opportunity and that we could talk about it. I avoided that for a month or so. Saw him in an overground train once. Not sure if he saw me but he looked down like he was emotionally processing a lot and then avoided taking the train even though there basically no where else to go. I replied a few weeks later and said that I needed that time to process everything and because he didnt give any signal and any direction I needed to reground myself to be able to defend my points basically. And I also asked if he talked to anyone else so I could have a bridge to talk to them. He didnt reply. Months later and I visit a show of the theatre club. The leader was super friendly to me but didnt talk about any of my points. I just felt like I wanted to go back one time to feel what it likes. I was right back in it. Didnt get a public farewell, even though that is usual after a member leaves, especially one who was part of the group for so long. I was emotionally right back into it, like I never left. Took some emotional diamonds with me but payed the price in feeling extremely confused afterwards. My ex f+ seemed to have been, from what I observed, kicked out temporarily and then brought back because the theatre club couldnt survive without her support but she doesnt seem to be as appreciated as before. ... Many things cleared up for me over time. The confusion about flirting happened many more times outside of the club even with older men. So that is definitely a dynamic or you could even say impediment that I had little control over. Now as I grow more emotionally stable this has subsided rapidly. With my medication as well. Also I notice how hard it is for me to built connections. Letting someone near me is hard. So ofc I didnt have many friends who could be a backbone or support me. Not sure how long its been now, maybe half a year or longer. What triggers me the most is that the leader of my old theatre club doesnt talk to me. Also talked to my parents about it which felt like a step back but it was nesseccary. They support me but at the same time kind of dont believe my story. So its just me.

Some RV side notes: Does harmonizing higher orders of intelligence help smaller forms as well? for example less war -> less chaos for bacteria? all my social skills were opened when I opened up to the one girl at my old theatre club (3 years ago lol). in the same way opening just a little yesterday unlocked so much. I need to find ways to built healthy connections with people but people with whom that is possible bore me because I am conscious that I could do some much more.

This piece of art is terrifying.

Its raining feelings of guilt. Why is there such a big gap between what I am conscious of and what I can actually make happen?

Fucked up my sleep routine again. Job well done.

Something changed today. I was more forward then usual, not taking myself back as much. Still plenty. I think I could manage the overload pretty well or was grounded enough somehow. At the end someone asked me and another guy if we wanted to chill outside and I told him I would love to walk some range with him but would be too tired to chill. So we did that. He said goodbye with a hug this time even though he rarely ever did that, I was shocked. I was just very forward in my interest. People interpret me not being forward as desinterest or something as that would be natural.

I know a girl in my social circle who has all kinds of mental illnesses: adhd, bipolar, depression and something else. She is also insanely artistic, always coming up with otherworly dimensions in her paintings. I figured all her mental illnesses were in some way connected to insight into higher consciousness.

Got my sleep routine so well in check that I am actually super tired right now. Even hours ago. Thats not workable either though if I regularely go out. And I got a sore triceps of all things. Altered the technique on my seated triceps extension machine yesterday to put more load on the end contraction part instead of the stretch and it seems to did a lot. Its hard for me to feel my triceps and to get it sore so thats cool.

I was socializing again so I got into my social state and it daunts on me a bit that it was likely pretty cringe. Oh no.

I feel all sorts of emotions about writing this. I guess I shouldnt write anything I wouldnt ask in person. I am such a .. something.

A girl I know just sent me pictures of me at the club this saturday. She made an insane snapshot. I thanked her a lot and after a bit of back and forth with hearts throwen in I added that I would love to return the favor in some way if there is something I could do (implying sex). Its so unholy, I would delete the message right away if I could. She made obvious attempts that she would like to hookup in the past but it still feels inappropriate, using and perverting a moment of genuine friendliness. Well maybe she also wanted to come close who knows, but I shouldnt expect that, so moral points lost on me.

Things I learned from the hairdresser: He cut more free space around the ear At the top you can cut your hair with a crown and electric razor by putting the hair into a position to be cut with the crown. I only used scizzors, so that may be better Appearently the back of my head didnt look so good, at least he commented on it which would make sense. Maybe I need a better mirror For the pony he made vertical cuts with a slight tilt. Maybe 15 Degree tilt. And the disparities were a few centimeters. When I shake my hair though it looks like more Very short sides look good. Even 2mm Hair powder gives a huge wow boost. I could use it more

Went to the hairdresser today to get the pony done because I need some kind of guidance. It was pretty weird, the one I had haircuts with before cut my hair and I wasnt sure but it felt like there was some underlying tension. I expected that as I showed him that I basically dont need him anymore but it hit different, it hit in an actual way. Told him the sides were good, only like 1mm needs to be cut and he went right away and cut my sides to 2mm (from 7-8mm). Not sure if he misheard or if he was annoyed by all of it and wanted to feel like he actually had something to do. Didnt immediately recognize just how short it was and couldnt go back anyways so I didnt say anything. For the pony I described that I wanted huge disparities in the hair length. He did half of what I said and said that would be the maximum of what would look good. Didnt want to mess it up so I accepted it although I did remember that I could bigger disparities before and that this looked great. I feel like people on the streets were less warm to me. I might look more right wing now. Or I look very attractive and people feel intimidated. Put on a colourful chain for compensation. Obviously stupid conformity games. But it feels awful to be put into a category you dont want to be put it.

That we imagine death. Well not fully I think but I became conscious of many of the minds tricks and story it invents about death which are a joke. That reality is made out of nothing. The most solid "something" sensation is completly hollow. I need to trip more.