Jannes

Thats a mythical fantasy that never was. Nature is a piece of shit. That we survived till today doesnt mean me thrived. We could have just barely scraped by. That is not to say all modern inventions are good, there is plenty of shit in the foods industry.

I feel like shit, low energy and anxiety to leave the house. Not sure where it is from actually. I made so much social progress last week that its pretty humbling to crash like that, I thought I was going through the roof in the weeks to come. I think it is a combination of needing rest, the situation with the girl I have romantic interest in, a ton of Netflix yesterday and that I hid away yesterday because of my skin treatment which triggered lots of old patterns of insecurity of when I had very bad skin.. maybe I am going through the roof at some point after all.

NO, I didnt listen to anyone, I paid for an omega3 test before the experiment and after the experiment to see if very large omega3 intake of plants convert into enough EPA and DHA and they dont, my levels were to low despite optimizing everything. I consumed like 10-20g of flax seed fat every day. You loosen scientific authority where it doesnt fit your worldview. When it fits your worldview its suddenly valid science.

I have it in roller coasters. Whenever it goes down very fast. I dont fear anything intellectually but my anus goes crazy. Or my root chakra. Something like this.

"Where in the devils mind are you?"

Plant omega 3 doesnt have EPA and DHA, it needs to be converted first. And the conversion is really bad. I tried it. For a long time span I had a perfect 1 to 1 omega 3 to omega 6 ratio which I archieved with lots of flax seed and flax seed oil. Did a test for omega 3 and I very low on EPA and DHA. That needs to be supplemented.

I dreamed about an old friend of mine today. I think my current social progress triggers me a lot. This reminds me a lot of when I was thinking about my progress in the gym. There were so many phases which didnt really do shit for me and so I had a very though time to quantify when progress even happened and for how long. Its the same with socializing, so many shitty phases with kinda progress, steps back and forth and so on. I probably learned a lot even when things went shitty. I think much of the progress would show if I was simly more healed and confident.

One thing that may have happened with the old theatre club was that I overreacted a bit when I completly broke the connection, but because I did that I feel like I need to now believe how shitty it was there otherwise it wouldnt make sense why I acted so strongly. Its been so long. I kind of know how its like there but also not at all. I would enter the whole thing as a changed person and I didnt want to take the change they could have given me.

Just watched two episodes of Rick & Morty and whats really fascinating is that my mind just sorta tanked it, I am still pretty in the moment. I dont even really know what I did to get here.

Wow the posts are 8 hours apart. I really do spent a lot of time at my social spots.

I didn't feel good at my social spot at all today. It reflected even at my table tennis performance, I played a lot worse. I think its all just because of the girl, I underestimate routinely how much I actually want/ need a girlfriend. I ended up knitting for most of the time. Another girl I previously kinda rejected even looked so much more interesting then before. She was showing some skin with her top. She is super skinny (not unhealthily so) and somehow this was the first evening I found that attractive. But hard to paddle back to her. Then later she actually showed up. Quick hello in a turn and no hug. The language seemed pretty clear. But then we played some board games in the group again. Another female friend of mine was randomly at the spot also and we shared a quick conversation. She does look good and it gave me a short boost. Bad in this context perhaps though. .. What I find interesting, people around me are often hugging, not hugging people around them depending on what the situation asks for. I feel very bound to the rules but when I see it with other people, I don't really care. I don't mind if they change the rules. I have more freedom in that respect then I allow myself. I think the most important thing is that it is genuine. Rather a genuine fist bump then a half hearted hug.

Yesterday I was looking forward to socialize the whole day but then an hour before I got pretty scared. Its similiar right now, I was hyped to go out and now I am pretty scared again.

Game is though to learn .. have you ever talked to girls?

Ahaha, maybe a handful.

Its getting much warmer outside, spring is coming. And with it emotional spring awakening. I am not sure if I am ready for those emotions.