Jannes

An old member of the old theatre club is posting some shorts. She became a christian preacher. She was one of the people I tried to built some contact with to ground myself but I guess I was so unstable it was too much. But it opens me emotionally to the dimension which could have been.

The path to learning RV seems to be to learn and become conscious of how the ego mind tries to take control of RV. I learned many tricks already. I had many initial first things which came to mind which I dont fall for anymore. I notice how when my mind graps something it likes to put an association to that in my mind and doesnt view anymore.

I would change the task bar for aesthetic reasons but other then that I dont even know what I miss.

You wondering what an original thought is

I like macOs. I am no computer geek and macOs is simple to use. I am also a sucker for aesthetics. So I am the perfect target group. Android on my Phone all the way though for the customizing options.

What is interesting is when I got to the social spot yesterday I sat next to a girl that recently entered the social circle. I wasnt super social and sad I was a bit in my past. The girl asked if I want to be integrated by her hug which I agreed to. So just a basic over the neck hug to the right and left of her (to a friend as well). That moment was interesting, in my mind I was super certain that I wanted the hug. Not sure what it is but I liked her. But when I got the hug it kind of felt like to much. A basic light over the shoulder guarded by a thick jacket hug felt like too much. No wonder all the hug games are also though on me. And opening up. And everything.. Important status report.

Socializing went great today. Spent some time on a puzzle and other spots so I talked to different people. Generally I feel different then from my usual socializing routine, much better actually.

I talked myself into so much guilt, I am kinda scared to go out now. It also overlaps with my Elvanse medication running out.

So that situation triggered this whole body of unprocessed emotions and I feel like I can now say, when it comes to it, sorry if that message made you uncomfortable, I was in a stupid mindspace.

The leader of my old theatre club likely didnt believe me afterwards anymore. When I told him about the situation with the girl and that the guy got a thumbs down because of me, well that didnt seem all that believable when I fail around her so miserably afterwards. So that kinda put a lock on him for talking. Generally I was super afraid of gaslighting, I would have lost my mind if people would say they dont believe me. Well kinda, when I finally spoke my mind I felt a huge relief. Well also fear. Well that he didnt respond was actually what made me feel good about it so in that sense resonance, even if indirectly, was cruical.

Okay so I am not gonna stop half way, I am getting it all out. So the event which caused the leader of my old theatre club to take the 3 cases seriously and confront me was another case. It needs some backstory though. I knew her through quite a few plays and she was openly very promiscuous, a third of her talking points was with which DJ she had sex the last time. I liked her though. Well and like with every person in the theatre club I accidently flirted with her as well. She had unmatched speed though, I just looked at her eyes shortly and boom she was there doing small talk. This was in the time when I was very emotionally unstable so I first couldnt make sex happen but secondly I was way too unstable to have sex with her. I would have been emotionally invested but would have said that I wouldnt want a relationship so she would have looked for someone else and I would have been broken. She really put some effort into it though, finding ways to built non molesting body contact, pulling every ounce of interest out of me. Insane body of club experience. She seemed quite hurt that I wasnt interested. In another play there was a moment where the leader of my old theatre club went to me and asked me why I am not looking for someone or something of that sort. I wanted to avoid it but he kind of pressed forward. I think other people saw it even as harassment on his end, maybe wanting to work on his own agenda. It wasnt cool but also not a super huge deal I felt like. Anyway I said that I generally fall for people emotionally very quickly so that kind of scares me and yes that I would be interested in people in the theatre club. After I finished that sentence the girl gave a member of my theatre club who was interested in her a thumbs down and went outside. When I played with that guy in scenes he needed to play a weak mentally ill person who needed care. And he didnt like to play the role. It lead to drama, he got confronted for not preparing well enough with tears involved and everything. So I spoke with the leader of the club about it, that I feel like its because of the scene with her I witnessed, that he doesnt want to get into the role of a weakling now. I didnt consider her that much. It was brutal from her but at least honest. Better then keeping him as a second option around. The leader of my club seemed to have talked to both of them though. When I saw her outside the theatre she seemed giga hurt about to turn green and he seemed like I was the only one getting him even though he didnt say that he had a talk. Then the production of the play was a complete nightmare. I started working in school in this time and got completly and utterly destroyed by the whole class, then came to the theatre club and also got completly destroyed and yelled at for night preparing enough. Then got a little bit of sleep until it all repeated itself. And at one point I couldnt take it anymore, I was about to take his glass from the desk, throw it against the wall, scream at him and leave the club never to be seen again. That was my energy. So I looked for ways to distract myself somehow. Then in this moment the girl openly shared with a few girls that she just had a green point or a mark above her breasts. I knew that I would relax by getting into a mindstate and getting loose would work out. She was super direct and played games with other guys constantly, acting like you peg each other with different objects and stuff. And as everyone else was invited to see it I asked if I could see it also. She didnt say a thing so I asked again. She left shortly after. I asked a third time and she said in her usual confident way No and I felt it. I was obviously molesting in that case, even though I was in a bad state, basically super drunk from sleep deprivationa and unstable. I also defended myself in saying that she conditioned me quite a lot. When I did want to get near her but just sat there without game she was like "shoot me" or when she banged another guy from the theatre club she was like "I dont really like clean guys". What I also didnt keep in mind was how she felt about me as well. That green point or stretch mark was maybe something she felt insecure about, so me talking about it might have felt like I was making fun of her. And generally it might have been overwhelming for her. Well it was a mistake on my end. Good to get it out.

Great zoom meeting actually.

Will add something shortly but got a zoom meeting coming up. Damnit what a state change.

So I was hesitant to write in this Journal about what really happened at the old theatre club. Or well I did imply or was pretty explicit about many things actually but never the biggest chunk which involved me directly. I realized that I had to put it out at some point, this is MY supposed safe space of all things so where else but even that felt too much. Now I am in this situation where I wrote this girl this message which likely comes across as uncomfortable to her so I recoiled and thought I would delay it a bit, but NO! this is the perfect moment to open up because it puts me in this gun to the head no bullshit light which I want, so here we go. So at one point in my old theatre club I had a talk with the leader of my old theatre club and he told me there were instances of people in the old theatre club or in the social space who felt molested or sexually molested by me. I think it was sexually molested. The stories werent explained in detail and the people wanted to stay anonymous. He said he didnt didnt kick me out because he couldnt sort these situations aka couldnt tell if they were bs or not and he also considered that I was a hardcore overthinker. He told me that he interpreted the situations that I likely didnt want to cause harm and was likely inexperienced with flirting but if anything like that would ever occur gain I would be kicked out of the theatre club. He flirted with me before and maybe a year later even explicitly asked if I was interested in anything intimate/ romantic so my best guess at the time was that he didnt kick me out because he wanted to keep me as an option around. So my sensemaking was this. The hurdle to speak up and say that you are the victim of molesting is quite high. And if 3 people say that is must be almost guarenteed that the person did something very wrong, unless the 3 people built some kind of bond. So obviously that stayed with me and I thought basically every day I was in the theatre club about which instance could have caused this happening. What I can say is to my best knowledge I never verbally or physically molested anyone. What did happen was strong and flirty eye contact everywhere. But that was basically never an attempt to flirt, opening up felt difficult, I couldnt get my body into, it felt overwhelming, so I stuck at the sublte level. What also happened that I sometimes put much attention on certain people because that helped me emotionally process. Mainly the leader of the theatre club who felt like I was flirting with him for that reason. Also I was so strongly emotionally unstable that I looked for some kind of grounding everywhere. I "flirtly smiled" at everyone, females, males, even my male enemies which was always about getting grounding and harmony. Some later pointers: - So later I found out at least one of the three people. Well, there was a lot of back and forth and drama and miscommunication which could be considered molesting but I rejeted her sexually multiple times bc she was with her bf and I was emotionally unstable. - Another girl very obviously avoided me. She left the club before me and when she visited I went for a hug but she seemed very conscious about sending the wrong signal to the other members. That happened a couple of times until I was pretty certain. On a birthday party where we were both invited she seemed to make the same gesture and another girl there seemed to have a deep talk with her. She said to me, never get between a couple in a relatively casual way (not diretly as something that is targeted at me but still). She seemed emotionally charged but afterwards she actually seemed nice and open to me, even reigniting the smiles but then blocking me on WhatsApp lol. Much later she even catched me in a hallway and slowed down the tempo and had a friendly chit chat with me. Its the same technique I noticed about the girl in my seminar recently. Afterwards her ex-bf had a friendly chat with me in the train, telling me about how he was struggling with stress and responsibility and because of that the relationship didnt hold. Basically putting responsibility on himself. What an absolute chad move. Looking back shortly after I first met her we were at a bar and some older guy sat next to us and started to physically molest her. I was the only guy in that group. None of the girls didnt do anything it was quite intense. Some kind of survival instinct opened up in me, I looked her very deeply in the eyes, signaling her that I got her and that I will basically do anything in this situation to protect her. Told the guy very calmly that he could sit next to us no problem but that physical contact is a little much. After I got this out the girls started supporting. He made a second attempt which I catched with the girls supporting again and so he stopped. He looked like he was very close to wanting to start a fist fight with me. I actually had the time of my life, possibly as a reaction to old trauma where I was physically assulted so this made it an opportunity for processing. I kind of wanted him to start a fight even. Well later a girl to my right asked me if I could go to the barkeeper if I could tell him to get the guy out of there, she was too scared, so I did that and it worked. Left the bar at some point. Days afterwards she immediately greeted me with a hug and I kinda felt like she was a bit of an oriantation point for me. Later at a show I smiled at her quite strongly and she avoided it and I didnt get what the problem was because to me it was platonic so I kept it up a second time. That was the one time I maybe went to far. There were other instances in my old theatre club where girls wanted to sleep with me but I was emotionally too unstable or didnt want to embaress myself so I didnt went for it. Its also the case that I noticed that my flirty eye contact had quite an effect on people and because I still a pretty strong player ego as a reaction to the felt powerlessness in social interactions, this boosted my ego quite a lot. Even though I never did anything with it and even made breaks from the theatre club when the attention but too much I wasnt strong enough to admit to myself that I didnt make all of it happen, it was all accidental. I wanted to find a moment where I was emotionally stable to get with a girl there which would boost me up so that I would be capable of taking in the opportunities I knew I got but couldnt do anything with. That was me being a devil. Only much later did I admit that to myself, well in the spirit of that strategy but it just didnt work out the way I had hoped with that girl. It didnt lead anywhere. Whats also true is that I am/ was quite akward at flirting. But I dont remember actually flirting with anyone ever. I could never talk to anyone because everyone would fall under one of the categories: A) I did accidently flirt with them so I couldnt talk about my problem with flirting with other people because they were involved as well B) They were BFs and angry or jealous at me C) They were too young to actually take in everything I said D) they were close friends to the people I would criticize E) they came later and werent involed in my situation Generally nobody would have ever profited of talking with me about it, it never overlapped with anyones survival agenda. The few people that were available I made very strong attempts to get help but it didnt help. I missed a few chances realistically but it was so hard to open up about it, I had problems trusting anyone, so I couldnt initiate it. Later in the old theatre club I had a f+ with a girl there. She was kind of the one communication gate between the club and me, so lots of responsibilty on her but also potential for corruption. Well she developed feelings but couldnt communicate what she wanted. I wanted to talk to her about everything that happened there but as soon as I brought it up she kind of blocked. Our power dynamic was already very inbalanced with me being unmatched basically so that would have made the gap unbalancable basically. After I broke up because I couldnt take it anymore she made all kinds of attempts at making me look bad even though I was crystal clear in my communication and even supported her with finding other guys even though it hurt myself. ... I opened up about a huge chunk of what I wrote here to the leader of my old theatre club just as I left. Basically 30min on condensed messaging, it was just that much. He didnt reply. After a week I left all the WhatsApp groups related to the theatre club. I had the possibility to say everybody goodbye but even after 3 years I didnt feel part of the group so it wasnt authentic to me to say some nice words so I didnt do it. He made a nice voice message where he said that I missed that opportunity and that we could talk about it. I avoided that for a month or so. Saw him in an overground train once. Not sure if he saw me but he looked down like he was emotionally processing a lot and then avoided taking the train even though there basically no where else to go. I replied a few weeks later and said that I needed that time to process everything and because he didnt give any signal and any direction I needed to reground myself to be able to defend my points basically. And I also asked if he talked to anyone else so I could have a bridge to talk to them. He didnt reply. Months later and I visit a show of the theatre club. The leader was super friendly to me but didnt talk about any of my points. I just felt like I wanted to go back one time to feel what it likes. I was right back in it. Didnt get a public farewell, even though that is usual after a member leaves, especially one who was part of the group for so long. I was emotionally right back into it, like I never left. Took some emotional diamonds with me but payed the price in feeling extremely confused afterwards. My ex f+ seemed to have been, from what I observed, kicked out temporarily and then brought back because the theatre club couldnt survive without her support but she doesnt seem to be as appreciated as before. ... Many things cleared up for me over time. The confusion about flirting happened many more times outside of the club even with older men. So that is definitely a dynamic or you could even say impediment that I had little control over. Now as I grow more emotionally stable this has subsided rapidly. With my medication as well. Also I notice how hard it is for me to built connections. Letting someone near me is hard. So ofc I didnt have many friends who could be a backbone or support me. Not sure how long its been now, maybe half a year or longer. What triggers me the most is that the leader of my old theatre club doesnt talk to me. Also talked to my parents about it which felt like a step back but it was nesseccary. They support me but at the same time kind of dont believe my story. So its just me.

Some RV side notes: Does harmonizing higher orders of intelligence help smaller forms as well? for example less war -> less chaos for bacteria? all my social skills were opened when I opened up to the one girl at my old theatre club (3 years ago lol). in the same way opening just a little yesterday unlocked so much. I need to find ways to built healthy connections with people but people with whom that is possible bore me because I am conscious that I could do some much more.