Jannes

I am kind of connecting my new self which is comfortable with less stimulation with a natural non medicated self. And this strategy of mine does indeed help with a lot of things but it doesnt have to be the solution for everything.

Couldnt get anything done right now, I just felt sleepy and a bit sorrow

I think I will take some medicinet tomorrow. I need a boost to work on my university stuff

I am not lazy, I make a conscious decision to dowhshift: https://karrierebibel.de/downshifting/

I watched a gay cartoon porn a couple days ago and I am still kind of off-put by it. There is a component I like about it, at least in the cartoon version, but I am also put off by it. Weird.

When I said goodbye to someone today I kind of gave them a longing smile .. hard to put into words but definitely showing some deep romantic-ish interest. And the thing was, it was a dude. ... I have no idea what just happened there. I kind of looked at him a couple of times, I noticed his good style before I knew he was gay/ bi with a bias on guys, he is super chill to talk to and he looks attractive. Soo yeah he is kind of in this exception realm but I cant tell what that reaction of mine was.. it seemed genuine on my end but I cant connect the dots really. Am I surpressing something so deeply that I cant even make it conscious when I focus my attention on it?

Men, one of the very few good things humans did was create open source projects. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DYAT1RbgRLZ/ We need an open source amazon, or an open source marketplace at least.

A lot of that gloryess vibes from yesterday are gone. I have only slept for 6 hours, thats probably part of the reason why.

My inner thighs hurt like crap. They are so sore from last training session. Maybe thats one way to increase the size of my legs.

I just texted a girl from university which I like. Well, at the point where I had the least sexual interest she seemed like the best choice. Not because she isnt sexually interesting but when you take sexuality out of the equation she seems healthy. But really this confronts me with what I really want. I am telling myself that I am not interested in casual sex and emotionally I actually do feel drawn towards her but there is just this inner will to bang a lot of girls still.. I think I have never observed this inner conflict so closely.

I think its because much of social interaction is a bit forced, in this moment there was a real vibe going on so you didnt need to force anything.

Chilled with my friend after impro. It was so super nice, we had a great chatter. Well actually I talked about stuff on my mind as well. But it was just so smoth and effortless, like I couldnt imagine how that could ever happen before but it did. I think its all thanks to blocking youtube. It went so well I didnt even know when to end it, like I wasnt used to talking and talking effortlessly and thought we need to stop at some point but really it wasnt nessaccary. I needed to pee at some point pretty badly so I stopped then. Interestingly I didnt really feel like hugging for a goodbye and he also BECAUSE it went so well I think. Which was really strange.

1) I am truly not at a point in my life where I know myself or my values good enough to really know what my LP is ( If I havent taken the course I would have thought that I just didnt think about it long enough ) 2) But somehow there is still a clear calling which needs to be discovered 3) Its in the direction of conveying spirituality and it will include my strenghts like thinking outside the box, empathy, creativity and so on.

God be like ..

I was public viewing for the wm-final. Men I feel like shit. I have got a headache. This usually happens when I am resensatized to digital stuff. And the game was also shit. Time to go to sleep ..