Jannes

Too charged to clearly think about it though.

Its going much better then I expected. I wasnt sure if I actually presented all of my fears correctly but it does feel like I get an answer to a question which feels authentic.

I am trying to wrap my head around this. It does hit a nerve of insight flow from the last time I opened up and got rejected, yes I will loose a perceived sense of control in this which fertalizes the ground for something new to emerge -- MAYBE. Or I will just be depressed and dont trust anyone anymore for the rest of my life. Are you sure about it?

When I actually open up all the parts that are hiding inside me and then get cheated on. Would I be though enough to take it? Thats scary.

You are right. What do you mean?

Thank you. One very important milestone for my development is to actually commit to a partner which I never did. Thats the predicament.

RV-thoughts: Maybe I am scaling down my charisma because I fear that I am liked too much, because that would put me in situations where I need to connect constantly which I am uncomfortable with ... Overweight women were often raped, so that extra weight is kind of a felt protection shield. When people callibrate their emotions they change their state of consciousness depending on the situation ... In a limited way we have the power to form our consciousness. I forgot to put attention on non-symbolic consciousness when RV. That was the trick before and I forgot about it. There is a difference between saying "no thoughts" or "lets switch to "non symbolic consciousness". The first signals a complete shutdown while the second just changes my attention. Thought and awareness are so strongly linked in our understanding of the world, I really hit some of the structure in which we think here.

I already feel uncomfortable about this thread. It slips out of my "non-ego hands".

Its not all bs, but too much

With 300 Million people in the country ofc you will get some of those. The question is just what the percentage is.

TRIGGER WARNING: If you are mentally/ emotionally unstable and dont want to get deeply Blackpilled by the reality of dating dont read this thread. .. I think I started a thread like this years ago and then a second time maybe a year later. I felt it triggered a lot of people and most people each time dismissed my acutal problem. The problem is truly that it is almost impossible to talk about because its very uncomfortable to talk about and very very ego heavy. Even now while I suffer from it I also cant help but feel my ego getting involved in this. You know when you truly authentically want to write down a problem and while you are at it you feel your ego shadow lingering over your shoulder like an uninvited visitor smirking over this and there is no thought of pushing him away, he is deeply grounded in this. Survival is truly bigger then me on this one. With that said and with improvement of my articulation of the problem I am hoping that its different this time around. So I have/ had the problem that because I have adhd and was emotionally very unstable I often looked for other people as ankers to stabilize me. This is a common thing for adhd folks. It unconsciously manifests itself in a way that I put much attention to that person. Generally new people are more stimulating and stabilizing. This often came across as flirting. Because I am also quite good looking I am/ was quite successful at "flirting", even though that wasnt my intention. My ego would like to hear that I am the men being this succesful but there was zero skill involved, it was completly accidental. Already took me a lot of time and suffering to accept that .. On my unintentional flirting spree I saw so much bullshit though, many girls willing to cheat with me on their boyfriends. Nice, lovely girls which you would never expect it from. At least not me. For many of them I developed feelings as well but just surpressed them because I would never cheat. I am in a situation now where I am really searching for feelings and connection. Sex without feelings doesnt really interest me. The problem is that I have developed such a negative picture of most women as people who would heartlessly drop their bf or cheat when a better option comes around. Much trust is just wiped away from direct experience. I dont have any clever sorting mechanism to select girls that dont cheat and I dont think this is possible to the degree that I am satisfied with. But this brings me to the question of how can I reform the picture of women that I have in my head so that I can love them again? I am even considering going back to the girls who would have cheated with me (who dont have a bf right now) because realistically it doesnt get better anyway. And how can I go about the fear that I could get cheated on myself?

I am also not really initiating a whole lot. With people I like I can make the first step. Why the hell do I not do it .. Also everything points to a self help group. I think I could gain a lot from it.

I am not feeling that good today and I dont know why. Well an ex-female member of the old theatre club unblocked me. After 2 years or so randomly. My only explanation is that she talked to the older old member of the theatre club which I talked to with whom I talked about a girl I am seeing at the social spot often that he knows who told him about me which gave her a better feeling about me. Maybe that just brings me into this old role. Hard to say why I am not feeling good. What I also need to reflect on is that I definitely could be friends with so many people. I just hesitate and turn my back bc I dont like the feeling of connection or I am not used to it. But then why am I not that confident? If I deeply knew that I was likeable then wouldnt I be confident? So I dont know if my resistance is actually stemming from a perceived sense of not worthyness when I would actually like to connect or if I actually do not like connection. I also seem to be very unaware of which kind of connections are good for me and which arent. The social spot seems to drain me a lot. Monday seems to built me up a bit. Well categorically 1 on 1 conversations feel much better to me then groups.

Oh wow.