Jannes

My RV trainer is active on Youtube again after a 2 year break. I watched a video on how to prepare for RV. Clearing ones mind is important. I will try to do it first thing in the morning before listening to news.

I notice that RV is more enjoyable. I have less emotionally loaded thoughts distracting me. WAY LESS when I think about how I started, holy shit.

Completly failed my first two RV exercises today but nailed the last one. Guess I locked in on that one even though it didnt really feel like I did.

The point about only being able to be truly good once you have seen the absolute good is really interesting. I remember having mystical experiences as a kid so maybe I got a base of grounding through that.

Was watching this in the evening. I have got mixed feelings about it.

I put my Laptop blocker earlier but it didnt really help in falling asleep significantly earlier. Stood up at 10 because I felt like this was supposed to be my time to stand up now but I am pretty sleepy.

I was dreaming/ half dreaming that I was in my room and heard my sister run around the floor playing. I said to myself „that can't be fight" so the voice disappeared. Then I admitted, „well what if it is true” and so I opened my mind to that possibility and so I heard her voice again.

I am kind of empty and open for love. Interesting.

AH! Just want to bump this up because it doesnt get bumped up if someone simply votes. The results seem pretty interesting, but I would like to see more votes.

And neurodivergence is also very important to consider

Being in the library doesnt solve my problem fundamentally. I still have a hard time working through my emotions and I am not really productive. Although inner progress isnt always that easy to detect right away.

I am now at the library of my university. I got a lot better when I had a place to work through my emotions on Discord and this may be even better. I think the whole social dynamic, especially with that girl with whom I missed the chance kind of works through me. Especially because it is likely that she is now aware of the story of my old theatre club, so this continues the plot which I dont want - but I am attatched to it.

Had a RV session with my coach today. He gave me the tip, that I should view longer till I go into my head. I already got that tip before, its probably my biggest hurdle. He also gave me the tipp to try out some different approaches. He now gave me the exercise to write down a feature of a the target which I can then view and either say its correct or not. That can help to relieve the mind if it always thinks it has to come up with something, as some sort of construct is already created.

For some reason I thought about high school this morning. It was a very bad time, so many missed opportunities. I had a time where I ate nothing but sprouts because I deluded myself into some kind of health bubble. I had so little energie at times but I just didn't listen to those symptoms of my body. I wonder how that affected my development as I had a very monotone diet for about a year, so I could have damaged some things. All the way till high school my experience was just sad from bullying. One year before high school I made huge progress as many of the bullies were gone. My heart was full of passion and love but the friends I had didn't want to open up to other people and kind of blocked me from making more experiences. In retrospect of course I had ways to get around that. Anyway something in me just broke at this point and I completely isolated myself. I wanted to enter a bubble of sovereignty where I could completely understand the world. I wanted to jump into the Water where Mewtwo jumped in. I knew there was this place somewhere. I think I tried to connect back spiritually. Well and with my limited knowledge I ended up doing this crazy diet to detox and listening to binaural beats to open my third eye. I collected myself a bit after high school but then Corona hit. Then I got into my old theatre club where I had some happy glimpses but that story also fell apart. The struggle has been so long, maybe that's why I can't really articulate what happens when I make social process, because I can't really believe that real change is possible after all this time.

I enjoy laying on the floor and doing nothing.