Jannes

I am back at not knowing what I want from the dating scene atm. Do I want a relationship or feel sexual abundance? In the direction of sexual abundance there are always so many obstacles and when there aren't any it often just doesn't really feel right. But never having done it also doesn't feel good. In the direction of relationships I kind of have 2 girls I think could be good partners. Both pretty young, about 20 years old though, so maybe this age gap will be difficult.. ..

Yesterday I went to a university beach party. Just talked to one girl. And I actually did pretty well in our little talk. Its moreso that I dont talk to girls enough and try my luck that I dont succeed rather then that I am not attractive enough. But I know that.. I think..

I am wondering more now if I should have kept ignoring him. My initial program of diplomacy feels a bit outdated, but its understandable why I didnt, he could have been key to reconnecting with the old theatre club.. he actually wanted just shrooms though it seems like, or mainly ..

I really felt some kind of chi energy again yesterday night. It really seems to be something about intense energy/ movement.

I thought a nap would clear my mind but not that much, I am still confused. The biggest one is if I want to apologize or not for ignoring him last time.

Interestingly just a few minutes ago I made the inner decision that I needed to find my own happiness. Well .. there are always thoughts I have about stuff, thats a bit esoteric of me.

An ex-theatre club member just texted me. I was super in conflict with him. He is asking to get shrooms and gives me kind regards. wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf !?!?!?!?!?!? So obviously there is 90% chance this isnt about shrooms, he could get them anywhere and last time we met I ignored him .. I changed me profile pic a few days ago so that could be part of it. I wonder if ... STOP I shouldnt overinterprete things. I almost wrote an impulsive response back immediately. No I should calmy write back and not fuck this up, its possible to solve something very important here.

I got such a kick out of this little product trailer on amazon, I spent half an hour searching for it again for a lick of that sweet dopamine. Holy shit! https://www.amazon.de/dp/B0FP5JZ6KT/ref=sspa_dk_detail_4?pf_rd_p=cf5ead54-c2f4-4493-953a-430e94cae639&pf_rd_r=4TG4PJCY33FKYCG9HR2W&pd_rd_wg=qOCZ6&pd_rd_w=0Ed1i&content-id=amzn1.sym.cf5ead54-c2f4-4493-953a-430e94cae639&pd_rd_r=60bee80e-8f6c-41fa-b34e-908565d8b04a&aref=7Z2z94nCqB&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9kZXRhaWw&th=1&psc=1

The reason I am still angry at the old theatre club is because the sorrow of everything I lost there is simply to overwhelming to face. I think I already mentioned that.

Men I took a bit of Elvanse today for my studying project and it does kick ass, I am super productive but at impro theatre today I felt pretty awful. I was super disconnected from my emotions and wasnt in a social mood at all. I even left the group earlier and not go to the cafeteria with the other guys because it wouldnt have felt good. But I still seem fairly productive back on my university work now (except writing into my journal, but that is important to do)

Maybe (for RV) I can build a focus with my fidget cube. Drawing a line is boring as heck, a fidget cube is more interesting. Or something which requires balance.

Yesterday I realized, its been quite a while since I last danced on my own in a club. No solo adventure for quite a while.

I wonder what it does to my psychology to struggle everyday with RV. Like every day I get the feeling that I am incompetent.

Nice, now I created an even stronger blocker, I even blocked basically all websites on my browser except music, university stuff and my journal. But without password. Its just that when I log in in the morning I dont immediately scroll through stupid stuff. Although that will also teach me that some blocks are reversable which is maybe not good.

Men my blocker just doesnt work as intended anymore. I get way more stimulation, or my mind finds ways to get stimulation out of random things like chatting with chatgpt, googling football players, what have you .. In the beginning I was just doing podcast which felt way way healthier. While the content is different, I am basically back, very neurotically looking for stimulation. I am way less at ease in the current moment. I thought I got to a milestone but now it feels like a small to moderate improvement. I have to be honest though, blocking video games back in the day did have a lasting impact on me, the lesser stimulative things did unnumb my mind quite a bit. ... I want to understand the mess I am in right now -- What exactly is the pattern here? Well the pattern here is that I learned to regulate/ stimulate myself online and this pattern is well planted and evolves and adapts to new structures. So maybe organically it will switch to different things as I get less stimulation out of googling things online, but I fear that it will find new ways. Either way being proactive about it seems like a good idea, because I am suffering quite a bit from searching for things online to get the dopamine hit I remember getting but always falling short. Like a mouse that is conditioned to get cheese from doing a certain behaviour... how do those experiments work again exactly? Anyway I think a hurdle to listen to a podcast instead is that its quite a commitment, like you dont immediately get what you want, or you dont know what you get.. Maybe I should also do a general internet block at least before my RV practice.