Jannes

I bet I said this just to flatter myself/ feet my spiritual ego.

My distrust in the stories of my own mind is really something lol ..

I wonder if all of this table tennis optimization really does me any good. Table tennis is not really survival for me, I do it for fun. Yet I turn it into a survival thing and take fun out of it I think. With my bad table tennis bat, table tennis was already pretty fun, I was just so limited in what I could do. Thats all. I have got all the materials to learn all the new shit I always wanted now. Planning a new bat is kind of fun but also painful in a way. I am passionate about it, "thrilled", "activated" , but also not really at peace I feel like. Idk Probably a developmental thing. Maybe I have more things to say about it later. Its weird, I may be in a lot of joy if I just put the cheap rubbers (with which I can learn all the new techniques) on my blade .. or maybe I am fooling myself with the next thing (camouflaged as a step back).

That the other person is intellectually curious seems to be a requirement for a partner of mine. I feel at home whhen I can philosophize and share my thoughts and when the other person can catch them and can give me new impulses. Not sure about how the exact dynamic like I dont think that I would be super interested with a debate partner ... but whats important is the ability to catch my thoughts and some sort of interest.

Like you need to accept that you are gonna hurt some people just by trying things out and learning. Going on a second date with someone to see if you match with them and then not wanting anything afterwards is perfectly okay, even if the other person feels rejected or feels like you wasted their time on them.. RIGHT!? How else are you gonna find out.

Had something like a date in the train yesterday. I talked to someone who also feared not catching their next bus and with that we chatted for about 2 hours or so. I stopped myself a bit though because I wanted to meet the other girl for a second date so this didnt feel that right. I think moral escapement has a really tight grip on me and may be the source of a lot of my problems.

Someone from the Telekom just came around to do a contract with me. She was smoking hot and asked to get in so we could make the contract. Could have been the intro to a porn what the hell.

Haha and I played against the goat today. Well at least the table tennis goat of this social spot. He has an elo of 1800, so he is a good club player, but not world stage exceptional or anything. But still the way he plays he looks like he could be right up there for the untrained eye.

It really feels like I was overstimulated yesterday and am still in aftershock/ recovery mode from it. And for some reason I am so tired from socializing today, or maybe it was because I needed to concentrate a lot because of the chinese rubbers not sure.

I tested the chinese rubber today and I have no idea what to think. They are more controlled for sure but I dont think the spin is insane. I can also play topspins relatively comfortably like its not as much of a challenge as I thought. I played chops again which I never played in months because my material is to fast. Oh and also fun underspin balls. And I also felt that because of better control I had better placement.

I feel a bit of a sense of being "caught". I am swimming in my uncomfort zone and noticing my (partially overblown) emotions cold. In other words I am feeling some Ouchie Ouchies at their root.

I still feel pretty overwhelmed from yesterday. She wrote me back that she found the date sweet as well and would like to meet again as well. I dont know, I dont FEEL the vibe right now. But it could be one of these situations where later I regret not taking the opportunity.

I couldnt storno the package anymore so the one on the left got shipped. So I thought I at least try it before shpping it back. And actually its perfect. From the front it doesnt look back and when I turn it 180 degress, my god the convenience. All my cables behind the desk. And for future operations I am open to turn it around again to fit my new space. The best product I could have bought and that were my thoughts as well. Weird I could have trusted my decision making there more maybe.

In some romantic context I often had this super strong emotional fight IS SHE THE ONE AND ONLY OR NOT !? What the hell is that...

I am so so scared from a freaking date (the potential of connection afterwards), what the hell !? Seems like I am going in the right direction.