Jannes

Great job!

Men I was so horny tonight. Not sure what it was, maybe the feeling of being socially connected or the biology girl. I imagined sex with her would be non conceiled. I imagine we would smash and she would get a red head from the arousal but wouldnt have overwritten the instinct to hide that, to not give value away. But that sort of honesty is kind of impossible if you really want to be compedetive in this world. Unless the atmosphere is fluffened up by me knitting perhaps. I value authenticity so much. Maybe thats what people value about me.

Notes after yesterdays evening: Today it felt like I made some progress at my social spot. When I was knitting this one girl sat next to me and we had such a nice chat. She wasnt really my type physically but she had a nice energy. She was a biology student and had a bit of a women mustache. She also seemed just a little out there I thought when she waved to some people who seemed to not even be her friends. But she seemed so effortlessly confident as well. Maybe because it was required for her to survive. Maybe I also put people at ease when knitting. But she seemed very genuine and I actually felt genuine attraction which my mind held back quite a lot because she didn't fit into my frame. Then I had a long chat with an Ukrainian. I was a bit toasted afterwards. I kind of got more into a social mood though. This always comes from me stepping out of my comfort zone. I wonder if because I have so much rejection sensitivity that that's because I didnt engage that much and also didn't get into a social mood that much .. I am also just seeing that I am like at level 3 of socializing while many other people are many levels above me. However that doesn't really matter because I am attractive for one and second because if I simply feel accepted and am in a social state I have no problems being charismatic. For a brief moment I was in state just as I left the spot. And it was when I was initiating a conversation with a girl I usually don't talk to. People around me take care of me all the time, so there isn't much I have to do. When I first came to the social spot I was always scared, but I often reached very high social peaks. Now I am not scared much anymore, but I am also kind of numb. I need the combination of both somehow. I think a best friend or relationship would work as that would give me a higher baseline and from that I could talk to more people. A girl I have on WhatsApp has a picture of her in a kind of enraged-ish way. Deliberately I assume. She has tons of social intelligence. To get into a social state you need to express things about yourself that you are insecure about. One time I was in a peak social state and I was looking for a ball and was thrilled to look for it by looking for it through my thighs looking behind me in this awkward way. That only makes sense in this state. You need to be as uncool as possible. Wow, I actually kind of want to get back to the social spot. Some cool people are still there. I am also really freaking tired though. Wow, I am so tired that my hands are disconnected from the rest of my body. My mind doesn't conceptualize my body in the background being connected to my head and everything else. So cool. At some point I learned that I need to follow my Impulses to guide my conversation. That's actually what happened. I saw how someone had a interesting package for something and talked to him about it etc. Found it interesting and immediately used that as a starter.

Maybe I should take medication again. I had so much energy from this one dose of medicinet which I took that one day. It just feels like over time I get pretty sick of it. And also the comedown sucks.

Notes from yesterday night: Men I missed two opportunities today to hug girls I like. I mean I have only like 3 in my sphere of interest right now so that's a bummer. I don't know why I am so hesitant. Well I am usually overwhelmed so yeah. I appreciate the one girl and checked many boxes but there are no feelings yet. I would need to talk to her alone. I feel pretty toasted again. Nonstop socializing for 6 hours is a lot for me.

I got an answer about the potential laser work on my face. I have a bit of shame around that it is self obsessed or conceited. Well .. it kinda is. But thats also where some of the inner pressure came from to look for a job.

I think I also quite like being a consultant in some way. That and I also like the idea of after school supervision. Talked with a friend who works in the educator field and says there are too many educator atm. So its probably not easy to find a job. Which kinda makes it even more important to look for options because I could already built up something for later. Ofc I keep the RV path but having this second path could even take out some pressure out of the RV path. I could also tell my parents I am doing smth else. I would earn some extra money. Even if RV works I have something else to do and I can spread my sources of income to feel more financially secure. It would likely help with productivity and socializing ... I am a little scared to get my ass up, that I cant find something and the uncertainty that I might get myself into a field which I am not happy about or that stresses me out. Well I choose life.

Such interesting contemplation yesterday. The situation with this one ex-theatre-club girl opens me up to the possibility of letting go of the whole old theatre club for good. But I also see its weight. Its basically a guarentee to have lots of "friends" , a lot of people who know you. Ofc I could just let that go like that. I dreamed of being good with different people again. With an old friend I parted ways with in a painful way. I wrote him some kind of letter and everything. My grandma as well. She suddenly had tons of energy again. And then another girl from the old theatre club whom I have so much against on one level but would actually want very close to me on another.

I was seriously contemplating to write an ex-theatre-club member who recently unblocked me for whatever reason. I dont know her well at all but there are some things to talk about and clear up. Potentially a LOT. Just opening that possibility though drives me insane. Its hard to sit down and calm my mind, I am in fight or flight mode kinda. I feel very stupid. I dont really know what I want to get out of it.

The essence contains everything. Even the energy for the form of a square. The mind doesnt need a picture of it, the energy can convey that form. Although to a certain degree a picture in our head is always needed so that it can be articulated. But that isnt unique to the form of a square and it should always be kept in check. Too much mind distorts the reality, mind should play the bare minimum to name it.

This is okay as well. Whatever keps me out of my mind is okay. Everyone needs to find his individual technique here.

What I need to do is naming the essence as soon as I view it (within 3 seconds). The longer I think about it the more wrong it gets.

Got my questions answered and had 2 viewing sessions with my trainer today. On the first one I was basically correct 5/5 On the second one I was 0/5 I liked the atmosphere and I got a lot of questions answered.

Impro acting didnt go well today, I had no drive. That I didnt have university before probably didnt help. .. Men I have the picture of a homeless person with a lot of snodder running down her nose in my mind. I saw this scene a week ago where a homeless person had thick snodder running down her nose while she was eating. Maybe it was mixing with her food. It was just too much for me. I dont know how to get red of that picture in my head, I tried to go through it but its like I am hitting a hard wall inside my mind which doesnt want to process it lol.

I have got a meeting with my trainer tomorrow. I should prepare a few questions. 1) Are there focus techniques which are also stimulating? 2) I dont know what to do when I immediately get a picture in my head after viewing the essence when I should view something that asks for a picture like a form. So how do I seperate an authentic essence in picture form from my mind distracting me in his usual picture form?