Jannes

I wrote her. It's late so I am gonna get an answer tomorrow maybe. I just said “funny profile pic ^^" acknowledging her possible apology. It already feels kind of wrong. Emotionally I wasn't ready and I think thats what's important. Or should you step over your shadow sometimes? Idk And IDK what to do with her response if it comes to it, especially if I want to end it immediately.

I found a bit of a fascination for military weapons. IF war and killing was cool, I would be a rocket launcher main, it would give me maximum creative potential. All the things you could blow up to get a tactical advantage. Unfortunately there isnt really the same potential for a rocket launcher in laser tek or paintball.

I thought the walk would make it easier to reconnect emotionally to myself. But nah .. especially the part around that girl whom I could text, there is like a hard block in me. I just cant bring myself to open up to it again in a significant way. I think I opened up the most when the photo was fresh as that was really stimulating, now because that is gone my ability towork through my inner stuff is more difficult because the stimulation is lacking.

I dont have much to do, the weather is great and I am kind of pressured to do choose something. I will take a walk in nature again, its been some time.

And dreamed that I had plenty of people I recently got to know running through my childhood room. This is a very deep sign, as if I let people much more close to me.

I thought about my time in mid school a little bit. I was late on having a smartphone. If I just had a smartphone then my chances of getting a gf would have been so much higher. One girl literally tried to get to me through a "friend" of mine who got jealous and cockblocked me. Is there a lesson to be learned? Like should I get social media already .. ?

Probably when I get to talk with other people who hear something about me she is in danger of loosing social status if I talk shit about her. So might also be a tactic. Or she thinks I am up to grab as I didn't play to hookup right away with that girl who is likely in contact with people of the old theatre club and that's also her style. .. It's always a mix of many different things.

Its SO hard to decide wether I want to write that girl who changed her profile pic. Emotionally I closed off to her and it's quite painful to reconnect. It's partially like the last time I revisited the old theatre club. My guess is that external pressure got to her. How I behave in my new social spot was communicated to her which might make me look less threatening and more in need. Or the second that different impressions of me collided and she as an opinion maker got pressured to show how she contributed to it. She was kind of last in line anyway, other people in the old theatre club already did that. Still I want to appreciate that somehow, but really she could have just written me a PM I don't know what this pretending is about.. Fucking actors ..

I fucked up with not taking care of my light foot fungus this winter. Now its summer and I love to go around barefoot, but I am ashamed of the fungus. Its much harder to take care of in summer because the fungus loves to grow when it is warm and I am ashamed of showing my infected feet in public.

Felt creative yesterday: Oh look babe the sun is going down, what a beautiful sight. Oh yeah thats beautiful -- oh wait let me get my sun protection, I DO NOT WANT TO GET BURNED BY THE SUN, LET ME PUT ON SOME SUNSCREEN. But Babe ... (goes away as the sun goes down) ... The second coming of Jesus, HAH you really think Jesus genes spread!? Get real.

My skin looks really good today. The laser seems to have done a good job. But on the forehead it looks better then usual as well..

Slept perfectly well today. That is not smth I have with other substances. Only the getting out of bed part was akward and sets me up weirdly. Also have a perfect plan of what to do, rearrange my Blocker so friday is open instead of sunday. Also start the general YT block again. I noticed that as soon as a started the night block, I loosened up and allowed myself to watch more during daytime. Also signing up to tutoring. I have some fears about it but its not like I have a Plan B and its a great learning experience. .. I dreamed today that I was teaching my old class again. I was kinda akward .. not confident .. again .. but I took it with some humor "ey, here we are again". Ineresting that I opened up emotionally to that experience again.

Yo, I just tripped and this scene from the witcher in season4 episode1 where Yen and the other Witches tried to get into this girls mind and then Vilgefortz manifests in her being and talks to them while creepily staring at them and then destroying the body of that poor girl and blowing out her eyes. That flashed my memory in the trip and it was quite disturbing. Would like to trip some more so I need to be careful with what I consume. Is there more creepy shit in the other episodes that may be too much for a gentle soul like myself?

4mg .. more effect then I expected. Not with infinite speed but it felt like a space shuttle in which I moved in the direction of infinity it seems. It felt like quite a lot actually. Not that comfortable to embrace. It was very managable but also a pretty long ride. A scene from the witcher kind of disturbed me. Then - Ego death or very low ego, I cant quite tell. Not shocking or anything but my sense of self simply got a lot less, from attatchments in my chest to attatchments in my brain which got dissolved. Lots of pretty deep thoughts about my days. Some things clicked, for example why I feel like shit when I sit around all day not doing anything or how much shit I took from the old theatre club. Huh, thats interesting, I didnt see any mistakes on my end. I kind of got comforted in my beliefs moreso. Sometimes you can have false beliefs you deeply hold and then a psychedelic can boost that.. My room looks pretty alien. Its very much shaped by my functionality lense and all other kinds of lenses ..

Just had a cool idea, what if you artificially created a world with artificial rules which make life harder, like the built ground can only be soft, you can only communicate via writing etc. The point is in these artificial environements new inventions to make life easier will come up and they could possibly even be applied to real life, because in real life there was never the necessity to invent some of these things.