Jannes

Haha and I played against the goat today. Well at least the table tennis goat of this social spot. He has an elo of 1800, so he is a good club player, but not world stage exceptional or anything. But still the way he plays he looks like he could be right up there for the untrained eye.

It really feels like I was overstimulated yesterday and am still in aftershock/ recovery mode from it. And for some reason I am so tired from socializing today, or maybe it was because I needed to concentrate a lot because of the chinese rubbers not sure.

I tested the chinese rubber today and I have no idea what to think. They are more controlled for sure but I dont think the spin is insane. I can also play topspins relatively comfortably like its not as much of a challenge as I thought. I played chops again which I never played in months because my material is to fast. Oh and also fun underspin balls. And I also felt that because of better control I had better placement.

I feel a bit of a sense of being "caught". I am swimming in my uncomfort zone and noticing my (partially overblown) emotions cold. In other words I am feeling some Ouchie Ouchies at their root.

I still feel pretty overwhelmed from yesterday. She wrote me back that she found the date sweet as well and would like to meet again as well. I dont know, I dont FEEL the vibe right now. But it could be one of these situations where later I regret not taking the opportunity.

I couldnt storno the package anymore so the one on the left got shipped. So I thought I at least try it before shpping it back. And actually its perfect. From the front it doesnt look back and when I turn it 180 degress, my god the convenience. All my cables behind the desk. And for future operations I am open to turn it around again to fit my new space. The best product I could have bought and that were my thoughts as well. Weird I could have trusted my decision making there more maybe.

In some romantic context I often had this super strong emotional fight IS SHE THE ONE AND ONLY OR NOT !? What the hell is that...

I am so so scared from a freaking date (the potential of connection afterwards), what the hell !? Seems like I am going in the right direction.

So first off I was scared to go and interestingly memories from negative memories off my past in the romantic context came up. So dating or romantic feeling are definitely strongly linked to bad memories which is one of the reasons I dont engage in them that much. The date itself went okay, it felt a bit forced at times like we actually went out on kind of a date date, but it wasnt really casual low pressure. It was cool with her but it didnt lift up. Afterwards a friend came around and he got the full story. He got me to write her that I wrote a message that I liked out meeting and would like to meet her again. I felt the full rainbow of resistance feelings, asking her out for a second meeting felt so hardcore. I am definitely in a full fear zone, very much out of my comfort.

Oh dear diary, there is so much to talk about

Maybe I just cancel my payment and take the one I want when I am clearheaded.

Today at impro I realized how I just talk more and more with less filter. I open up more about my personal life and dont care as much how it is perceived. ... Nice!

I hate decision making

Not sure anymore, the first one looks a bit retro and grounded and the second one a bit wannabe cool and maybe that looses its charme after some time. But the second one allows more place on the desk.

I am really nervous for tomorrow. When I am honest with myself I really opened up the possibility of committing to someone when really I have very little idea if we actually match. She could be a total psychological mess from what I know.