Jannes

It makes sense with the old theatre club. The leader wanted to talk about things 1 on 1 with me. If not he needed to gaslight as much as possible because then its the wild west. Just like your survival situation changes once you dont talk about things in private with someone and it becomes public. When it becomes public, survival pressure corrups the whole thing. ... Wait no, he had chances to talk to me. Well also no, I think my position was pretty clear that I was done with the club.

I felt kind of bad for a table tennis mate yesterday. He plays in a real table tennis club and kind of taught me a few things. I always kind of felt that he was comaring himself with me in some aspects and that he generally feels ahead was pretty obvious. With my new bat I kind of wrecked him yesterday though and yesterday evening I saw his status in Whatsapp saying that the only thing he is good at is procrastination. He is a long time unemployed and table tennis is his thing.. Maybe I am overthinking this.

Gym note lol: If selfishness is requirement to become selfless, isn't all selfishness ultimately embedded into a larger strive for selflessness?

That pressure is also somewhat freeing though. I am forced to get my shit handled. I think I would actually like to job at a bar. It would be another social spot and I would earn money. It could be a little nerve wrecking though..

Holy shit I just realized I am fucked. I cant get student loans for next semester. I have two more months of support and then I need an alternative. If everything goes well my next semester will be stuffed though, so I cant job as well and then I am facing a though time period considering the job market atm..

Love cant be stored away in a honey jar.

Weird cocktail, just came from the gym and am sitting with happy emotions. Too bad that the artist girl is getting married. She did show a lot of interest to me previously though.

I am kind of in love with the artist girl ... where the hell is this coming from all of the sudden !?

These thoughts didnt originate from nowhere..

Just got a call from my dad about some technical things with his smartphone and stuff but also he wanted to make a point about a talk with my mom I had recently. My mom made pretty clear that my room I have at home will in the mid to long term be changed into another something different, as I dont live there anymore. And I also shouldnt hoard that many clothes there. In a way I felt kind of kicked out, but it also wasnt that bad. I should get kicked out as an act of kindness. I need to find my own path in this world and not having a comfy backup is actually helping me psychologically. So in this way, if it was meant in this way, this is actually an act of kindness. Well my dad kinda reversed the whole thing behind my moms back and said in his opinion of course the room should stay the same so that I always have a nice base to return if I want to. Kind of realized how that also wasnt good for me half in the conversation..

What do trans people think about cis people who dont live after their gender stereotype at all, for example "tomboys" or "femboys" ? In one way they are very similiar to each other, a trans men and a tomboy can both act in traditionally masculine ways, but in another way they are polar opposites to each other. A trans men is not in line with their biological gender while a tomboy is "just because I am a women doesnt mean I have to act feminine". For a trans person biological gender and gender based behaviour seem to be connected, they feel more connected to feminity or masculinity and want to shape their body according to that biological root. For femboys, tomboys the opposite seems to be the case, they dont see a strong link or a link at all about biological gender and gender based behaviour. So I wonder, wouldnt they get on each others nerves? ( And would the person who is cool with the other be the one more aligned with truth? ) If a trans men sees a tomboy who expresses through their behaviour that there isnt a link between gender and behaviour, wouldnt that question the trans person decision to change their biological body, when their biological body is evidently compatible with masculine expression and so wouldnt need harmful surgical and medical interference? ... I think you could make the case that trans people are hyper tomboys and femboys. In society we still see a male and a female differently, give them different attributes. If someone wants to fully embrace the behaviour of the opposite biological gender, they will have a though time finding people who fully treat and integrate them in that way. So a change in looks will make people treat you differently, in a way which that you may prefer more. ... Thoughts of an outsider.

Gosh going to bed this late and having everything be this hot is a trip. Its hard to get my system going.

https://de.pinterest.com/pin/582653270573991719/ https://de.pinterest.com/pin/557531628900522575/ ... Maybe the challenge actually isnt that smart. Short suit trousers are appearently pretty comfy as well.

Table tennis rocks. I have a blast with my new bat. I thought about long nubs for defense looking forward, now I am looking more at two alpha sides, both regular sides with maximum catapult. Will see..

I just read a super old note from 5 years ago. It was in a transformation mastery course from Julien Blanc. What a waste of money back in the day, but I was desperate to get out of my situation. What I can take away from it was how much more physical life was in school. An athletic classmate had automatically more statues and I looked up to them. And also trying to be nice and lovely seemed to be a survival strategy back in the day. Oh men oh men it hurts to read this.. No wonder I went to the gym though and my story is probably as un-unique as it gets.