Jannes

The table tennis itself was kind of boring today. I won a lot of points from the first serve which many couldnt return. And then smashed the ball lots of times at the third ball. Maybe I need a worse racket lol, one that still gives me a learning experience but allows for longer rallies and doesnt smash my opponents to pieces.

There were a bunch of situations in my life where I ran away the moment someone wanted to connect with me or a situation arose where connection was possible. I need to make a list. Fitting that I remember this now.

Damn, I basically just got asked out for a date. I asked her how her workspace is looking for a job and she told me she could explain it to me on a coffee.

I feel like what happened in spiral dynamics stage blue and green is that they each aligned ones psyche with the collective but on a different level. At stage blue its more cognitive and forceful. The mind coming from stage red is still too wild for any other method. At stage green the common good of the collective is not that much protected by rules but by emotions/ empathy and so on, people feeling obligated to act in such and such a way because they I wonder if neuroscientists could find parallels here.

Lol Thats the story of my phase where I overly focused on "healthy" "clean" eating. I was holding on to that because other challenges didnt seem managable.

A part of mine was actually clinging to the fantastical thinking of which tt equipment to buy emotionally!! When in distress I could think about if I want long pipes or inverted rubbers on my backhand and how different they would feel and what I would be with each. A warm, comforting, stimulating thinking process. Now I just freakin bought them.

Still got a bit of a headache from yesterday. I am going to chill today and wont take meds before it gets worse.

Something clicked yesterday. Its very likely that the leader of the old theatre club was scared that I would abuse the information I would get from a talk with him. Its not just his own survival agenda, but the survival agenda of many of the members there which is also connected to his survival agenda. He needed to make sure I am loyal to the old theatre club before he would reveal anything. ... I knew that but somehow it jusg makes way more intuitive sense now.

I thought about this for so damn long. It was time. Even if I didnt make a perfect decision. Although thinking about it was maybe also fun .. not sure

I faced my fear and went to my bafög space today and had a sucessful talk for further support I finally made a decision on which table tennis equipment and which knitting yarn to buy I made the whole bafög request today I also made housing benefit request today ... Cool, now I have got a bit of a headache. Did I do much work today? It feels like more then usual. I was focused the whole day because of elvanse.

I just found out that I cant do my internship at a startup coaching place (probably). Thats to bad as that was actually something that interested me. I have to come to terms that I am actually not that interested in the whole social worker thing. Well maybe a bit. I am definitely interested in peoples psychology, but many human stories bore me to shit. But also that takes some pressure off me, I just need to try something out and when it sticks it sticks, if it doesnt, well I didnt plan for it. I have to be honest, I really secretly hoped that by this time my RV practice would turn out more fruitful. ... What makes me feel some relief though is that with housing money and a few hours of a job I could almost survive. Thats not nothing. That means my existance is saved for a while (and I could do free shit on my own).

I took my sex toy out again and its very nice. Puts less pressure on me to find someone for better or for worse.

Mmmhhh a picture to make you think ... Would your mind come in contact with the consciousness of the plant the moment the plant eats up your brain cells?

My current gaming experience. Well I do need experience in all 3 aspects, but I can chat up girls and also have sex, the problem is the escalation itself. I have very little in my actual toolbox. Body contact in socially appropriate situations like laughter or hugs, escalation ladder, complimenting someones lips ... But men I do feel dirty every time I am invested in game and let my psyche be corrupted by sex.

That will trigger me much more in the coming days then I can admit right now. It always has. Ending it completly is perhaps better.