Jannes

Wow I actually went through with it. Talked about my problems. Told her that I struggle with flirting because of adhd. Said that I found too many girls who would cheat and that I have a problem connecting with them because of it. And it all went well .. It honestly boggles my mind ..

Will have a talk with my adhd doctor today. Last time she offered me she could give me psychological counsoling if I wanted .. I was happy I would only need to make the decision in 2 moths. Well here we are now. Fuck me idk. I cant sell someone that I am struggling because I am too attractive and girls would cheat for me and that is why I cant take a girl because I want to keep my values "STOP CRYING I NEED TO TALK TO PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS, THERE ARE LONELY PEOPLE IN THIS WHO WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE A WOMENS GENTLE TOUCH AND YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT TOO MANY OPTIONS, JUST TAKE ONE AND BE HAPPY." and you know maybe she would have a point

Only in America

I had an insane start up idea today. I feel weird when I take medication because I act differently and people often dont know wether I am on medication or not. So I hate it when I do something on medication and people attribute that to my usual non medicated self and vice versa. Also it takes some time to explain to people how medication works. I thought about a hanger on a chain in the form of a pill which is digital. It would connect to an app and would light up. It could light up half full when the effect of the medication is halfway gone. I dont think anyone thought about this before, but I love the aesthetic of pills for some reason, I value authenticity and transparency and so it would make sense that this is not yet patented.

If it is true that my normal state of consciousness is higher then that of usual people and only because I am not good at doing survival my consciousness is chronically nerfed, that would mean if I found a way to be good at survival without social pressure I would naturally connect to high states of consciousness. Well that's kinda what my daydreams are sometimes, for example being a lonely dude in a ship in space. .. I managed to stomach today that my mom kind of makes excuses for my dad. My dad says he would work after retirement and this and that and I already knew nothing would come from this but my mom seemed like she believed him. Well my mom also points out a lot of flaws as well to be fair.

Took Elvanse and experienced a huge productivity boost. Then I experienced a lot of heavy emotions which I usually cant take on which are sitting in my stomach and throat. Also a decent amount of anxiety. I dont think those emotions are neccessarily bad, some may have been stored up in me and its healthy that they came out. Or not. Idk

I always wondered how droids and non-droids could coexist in star wars. Droids could speak in every language and hold an amount of perspectives and strategies that no non-droid could. So it always seemed like non-droids got owned for the plot, but in reality if a droid ever got so intelligent it seemed like it would be a dominant force. But here we are with with AI in the real world. AI sounds super sophisticated and can use a huge amount of data, but still it can do very little on its own. Just like in Star Wars. I find it interesting that this dynamic was already captured before AI happened in our world.

Back to some serious self development, there is this dude which I am SO FUCKING AKWARD around. It was an experiment maybe a year ago, people I was comfortable around bored me, people who stimulated me I wasn't comfortable around. He seemed stimulating so I opened up to him with the intention that I could get comfortable along the way and then have a stimulating friend. Well I didn't get comfortable and some kind of childhood trauma kicks in and the situations that I create are so fucking uncomfortable. Aaaah I thought I could explain that to him. Tell him I am awkward, not him. Tell him that if he wanted to, he could help me with taking this lightly/ jokingly.

I confronted him about it today. He kind of sold it like he was the victim of ghossip and I wanted to clear that up. He explained how he did see himself as the perpetrator which I wanted to hear and explained many stories. Without the talk I couldnt be in peace with him.

He showcased his apartment to show he didn't store any food. Ofc it could have been a trick. But also it's possible to survive a 40 day fast especially as a young healthy dude. If it was am actual fast it means he was crazy enough to risk his own life with a pointless fast, if not it means he is a liar.

I dont know the exact setup, but he filmed himself over the 40 days 24/7 as proof. I havent watched the stream but if it was made setup transparent with cameras everywhere it would be pretty hard to fake. If not he would have probably cheated. I dont know. He made a video where he said he broke the fast with watermelon. Yeah Connor lost it but I have a bit of a weakness for crazy people. I can't explain that easily.

Whut!? But he filmed himself and lost a ton of weight. Maybe if there were some off camera moments he ate something, I am not that deep into it.

The artist girl was there yesterday. It was a bit of a shock to my whole system. She is hella skilled socially, it doesnt even make sense. So I emotionally opened up but I dont really know how far I want to go. Really I created a boundary already, she has mental problems, a bf and overwhelms me, its not good.

I loved these things as a kid. Wow, how can I only remember them now. How was I emotionally detatched from them ..

I had a dream of doing it with a dude yesterday night. When I am lifted of a lot of social pressure my bi side comes out more. Weirdly in day consciousness I am basically never attracted to dudes. In my dreams I sometimes love to get nailed though.