Jannes

It still sits in my bones. This is just a dimension where a smile fades.

I am actually scared as shit because of that encounter.

Saw a dude who is friends with the girl I clashed with at the social spot. He was with a dudes group. I was packing my stuff and he or someone in the group was like "PACK FASTER". Not sure if they are just natural assholes or if they knew who I was. Anyway it left a bit of a shock.

Whenever I am really engaged and even stimulated with university work I am also a bit numbed. Just a tiny bit though.

I remember yesterday when I talked to my friend about it, I talked about it super openly. Like I just told my friend my feelings for her and didnt even hide it that much when someone else came into the group. I mean there is nothing to be ashamed about about having feelings for someone .. holy chad ..

The chatting with her goes so smoothly, its kind of unfair how well it goes. It would be so easy to go back to fuckboy mode if it turned out not nice with her, but its the most peaceful chat I had in a long time..

Impulsively I asked a female friend of mine yesterday if she is going on any festival and she said she hadnt planned for it and why I am asking. I think I need an honest emotional answer to this now, do I want to connect to her or not .. ? Ofc I wouldnt give a direct answer, but would make my position clear with indirectly. She is hot, but I dont really have feelings for her .. yet.

What I find suspicious is that some trans people have trouble acting. Or at least in impro one time there was someone who identified neither as male or female (was biologically male). That person got assigned a role as a manly priest but then right before they would start the acting scene they suddenly left, never to be seen again. You can interpret many things into it, but interpreting it as that they didnt want to play a role considered masculine seems natural. I dont have a problem playing a female character, most women dont have a problem playing a masculine character. If a trans person truly is what they feel like they are then playing the other gender shouldnt be problematic, as compared to what they truly are THIS is just acting ... But I get that it can be triggering when you have to justify to other people your gender identity all the time and then arent even consistant yourself ..

Yeah for me thats super true. I think everyone can benefit a lot from blocking social media/ youtube. But for me the difference is very extreme because my nervous system is so sensitive.

The one girl I wanted to ask for a number today brought her bf/ fuckboy whatever with her again. I thought it was over with them or something. And I was really confident I wanted to ask her for her number today, I really pictured her as a viable girlfriend. Well if she was still with him it wouldnt have changed much, but I could have asked her for her number way earlier. IF I WAS MORE OF A CHAD THIS WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED. It interesting, without youtube to escape, I take all the blame on myself.

It was nuts today at my social spot and I had so much more confidence then usual, even gaming wasnt really that nerve wrecking. I feel a bit dirty though, I flirted with so many girls today.

I am kind of connecting my new self which is comfortable with less stimulation with a natural non medicated self. And this strategy of mine does indeed help with a lot of things but it doesnt have to be the solution for everything.

Couldnt get anything done right now, I just felt sleepy and a bit sorrow

I think I will take some medicinet tomorrow. I need a boost to work on my university stuff

I am not lazy, I make a conscious decision to dowhshift: https://karrierebibel.de/downshifting/