First of all, I feel very blessed to have found this forum as I think I am now free to share in a place where I think feels more like home (mentally). Now, I feel that in order for you to understand where I sit mentally and to better have a grasp of my current situation I need to give you some context and a little bit of background of myself.
I will start by saying that I have never been a social or outgoing person, I've always been sort of the one that analyzes situations, scenarios and people. Ever since I was a child I've been in my own bubble and while growing up I never understood politics, news, sports nor religion. So I never had any views on those specific topics except that something was off. Later on in life, when I was about 13, I started developing the idea of religion being a sort of control over people and I started questioning a lot of things related to that. For such reasons I adopted the atheist way of thinking although I didn't consider myself an atheist. Then at about 18 or 19 I started looking at conspiracy theories which some of them resonated with my way of thinking so I dug deeper on a lot of them and I naturally inclined to seeing alien life as something that could be real and a whole lot of stuff which I won't go into details at this point. I thought of myself as kind of a rebel sheep or a black sheep in society because the things I thought I knew were complete opposite of what 'everyone' knew. As my mind adopted a lot of new 'knowledge' I stumbled upon Nikola Tesla's books, which I fell in love with, I loved his insight and I realized how he had been a sort of savior for the world by bringing technology way ahead of his time into this realm and how these didn't even get noticed. So this led me to question science and capitalism, and I was kinda stuck in this mode for a few years (this was now in my 20's). Then after a longtime relationship ended I guess my ego felt a need to socialize and to be a part of the night life so I had a couple of wreckless coming years (yeah I know, complete opposite going from introvert to an extroverted character) and I think this was because my ego didn't want to be recognized as an antisocial in an age where parties where at its peak, mr 305 was booming and the chicks were ready to mingle, my ego felt the urge to get out... at this point I was around 25 and believe it or not I had my first beer at 24 and only because I wanted to make other people see me as a cool guy.
I started drinking heavily, and went out almost every week even 2 or 3 times, and also at this point I made a 'friend' who introduced me to this life because lets face it, I wasn't going to do it alone I didn't knew how to be social. So anyway, I met a lot of people, I had regrets, met a ton of girls, had to spend a few nights in jail, made a lot of people mad and almost got myself killed messing with narcs, what a life right? The only reason why I got out of that shithole was because I met a girl, a girl out of all which was actually different. I left everything to be with her, which was something I didn't expect as I had been seeing multiple girls weekly for almost a year, but something switched. I believe this was my first call and a really good one, I slowly but surely started to leave everything behind to focus on her.
Years later I started seeing a male friend who I've known for 10 years from a class at college. We started going out to get a beer at local breweries, this were the only times I drank since I don't really like beer but I can have one over a deep talk. He started talking about deep topics so I connected with him instantly, I mean I knew him but never to this extent, he was the kind of introvert who went to raves and have taken molly and shrooms on occassions, so he had very interesting things to say.
I never understood drugs and was never interested in them as I never felt a need. But as time progressed and as we talked more and more I was interested not because of the feel good effect but the insight, at one time we sat and watch the netflix documentary on DMT which, needless to say blew my mind and at this point I was very interested and started questioning the whole "drugs are illegal" shit. I started understanding that knowledge was obtainable and that this knowledge was a disadvantage to the matrix since it had the potential of waking up people. At my 29th bday he got me a couple of xtc pills, which I took with my wife (yes, years passed and that girl turned into my wife, how lucky I am) and also keep in mind that I went through a lot of research before I took anything+. All I had to say was......F&%$, this was such a tool for us and our relationship that it literally broke imaginary walls we had and our relationship grew exponentially. Why would this be illegal!?!? I asked. Well my journey was just about to get started...
I started looking at a youtube channel called psyched substance and boy that gave me so much valuable information I was in WOW. A year later my friend got me some lsd tabs and after battling myself for some time I took them, man did I get a mind flush, a whole perspective switch, its as if I had always lived under the sea and a whole world was just outside of it and I for the first time felt unity with everything there is, I felt like I had wisdom, knowledge, I was IT. This was the turning point in my life which made me the person who I am still trying to figure out today.
I began my journey on 2016, I was 29 and I've been working as a developer for some years, but this literally made me resent my job as I didn't want to be a part of someone else's agenda so my work slowly degraded unconciously but I never gave reason for them to fire me, just my drive wasn't as much as before. I wanted to explore a lot of things and being an employee for someone wasn't on the list. Curiously enough on 2019 there was always this sign I kept seeing, for some reason I always saw the numbers 420 constantly over and over on numerous things and situations. Unfortunately and fortunately I got laid off on April 2020 (4 20), all this time the universe was conditioning me for this moment, how crazy. This would trigger a whole perspective shift for me, at this point I inform you guys that I have a family with my wife we have a two year old and waiting on our second due in June 2020, so everything piled up, pressure started to accumulate, stress, etc, but I took this as a sign that I wanted to learn who I was and what my real life purpose was.
Beeing a father has teached me way more than anything in the world, has made me realize patterns and behaviors that I need to change, cycles that I need to break and all this in order to become my better self and the father I want my children to have. It has been a rollercoaster. I have been structuring my time, trying to get rid of bad habits and incorporating new ones all while raising two light warriors without any TV. I sometimes get depressed because I am not providing as I would want, but on another hand I have learned so much which I wouldn't otherwise if I had to be somewhere working. I even have had two successful job offers get pulled one week before my starting date because of unrelated things...(I am looking at you universe), which begs to question if I really want to work for someone again...which I don't honestly and just did that out of desperation. I'm hanging in there, learning, trying out new things and figuring what I can contribute to the world without thinking too much on the financial side. I know deeply that as long as I do my inner work the universe will keep guiding me.
However I am still fighting with myself, fighting with my ego as I don't feel like a man, specially a family man, I give love to my kids and my wife. I spent as much time as I want with them but deeply I feel the urge to provide more than what I am doing. I sometimes feel like a failure for not having a 'real' job, I am struggling to find my purpose, I know I love helping other people be better but I just can't seem to find where to start, I have tried creating a youtube channel but my mind always finds ways to get me out of there. The question my ego arises all the time is "how will you provide stability to the house hold ?, Youtube, Podcasting, and sharing ideas COULD pay the bills but not at this moment" do I resonate with that idea ? not entirely as I know I want to be doing what makes me happy and not what makes me money, but I have a family of four I need to provide for so I am mentally struggling a lot.
I could go on, but I'll stop here, if you made it this far thank you so much for taking time out of your precious life.
