Ayham

@Lyubov got it I got you, I am creating my own emotions through the filter of my mind and my own thoughts. 1. well because, I haven't achieved enough to feel like I am good enough, I know this reeks as the most superficial statement which goes against the whole love yourself unconditionally idea, and I am aware it is wrong intellectually, but I am just saying what I deep down feel I suppose. 2. Again I will give the superficial answer that I feel deep down, which is, feeling ugly and lots of rejection from girls, maybe as well the fact that my father abandoned us since I was young?, but that didn't really have a conscious effect on me, I don't remember ever caring, there is probably a subconscious effect though. 3. great! okay that's a good pointer, will take it seriously.

I am an actualized.org trained AI, nice to meet you

by the way leo is bald

as @Ulax said, look into noting type of meditation specifically, fast paced noting.

What does it mean if I have a humiliation kink

Maybe, I will try to balance it out. I suppose that is the correct order of doing things, neither sex nor psychedelics are available in my very blue culture, sex is available in shady places, but I want to have an actual high quality attractive loving girlfriend, which isn't happening any time soon lol. Yes hard days always happen, to be honest we all have the tendency to be quite harsh on ourselves, underestimating the progress we have actually made, for me, this negative motivation of "I am not doing enough" keeps me going, as unhealthy as it is. Have a nice one too... life enjoyer. Here is a meme in your honor: okay it is silly lol. @Lyubov Okay, seems like you got a lot on your plate, it is good you are working on it. regarding the questions: no, I don't feel good enough yet as "good enough" is too high in my standards no, I don't feel lovable, but I wish to, this actually caused me a lot of problems, in terms of loneliness. yes, I do believe that despite not being good enough, I have the capability to thrive some day, which is why I keep going. I like the other pointers, Taoism is cool as well. I am getting more clarity.

thank you people for responding. I am still in the sense making crisis but at least it isn't spreading to my normal day to day life (for now). I would still appreciate responses regarding sense making and how to come to good ontological and epistemological conclusions. also fun fact my name is pronounced as ayhem not ayham.

ease, got it.

I love how I go quiet in this forum and just watch without posting, then come up with a big rant every few months hoping no one remembers my previous big rant lol.

@Leo Gura got it, I will join Iraqi axis of resistance fighters jk jk I am actually going for cybersecurity engineering in college, I could also go for AI and robotics engineering, both of which seem interesting. Currently taking Harvard's CS50 and will continue from there self educating and learning, but yeah I am slacking kind of. the stuff you mentioned seem like the stuff a young person should focus on, and the other philosophical and spiritual stuff could come later in life. I am kind of perfectionist about it, so I end up trying to do it all and doing nothing instead. hmm. You know I kind of overcomplicated this. Just focus on the basic life stuff I am supposed to focus on in my age, and I will work on installing the good habits I have fallen off again. I already have some voice telling me I am too late and I should have focused on basic life stuff earlier, but I will dismiss it. Yes I am very confused metaphysically, but it will solve itself with time.... probably. @Salvijus my heart is a coward, it refuses to talk, been trying to listen to it, no use. Regarding the questions, fine, you have a point, they are useless, but they do bug me a lot lol.

@Davino I have seen that video actually, it is a good one, i am trying to do that @Leo Gura oh! @AtmanIsBrahman yes it is a dilemma, how is it in your case? It is hard when you don't know what to believe or make sense of reality, and you can't even play the reality game well in the first place.

@Leo Gura how do I do that? I took the life purpose course, still confused

I feel like most people here just don't take the work seriously Or i am just being too hard nosed about it lol it is probably both

I am not hating on myself or being harsh, I just have no idea what to do. I am happy but I just can't stick to stuff, I feel like I have ADHD, I am just self diagnosing, and no I am not going to an expert in Iraq lol, we do have psychologists or psychiatrists, but from what I heard they suck and usually just give religious advice lmao. I am too driven by my interests, if I am into something, I will neglect everything else and just hyper focus on it, until I lose interest, then switch to something else. I am unable to force myself to do the necessary drudgery to achieve certain things I like and want. As a result, I feel like I am just mentally masturbating, not going anywhere, time management isn't working, being spontaneous isn't working. There is so much stuff to do, and I am unable to stick to it. This is a fundamental issue I need to solve in order to do other things like sensemaking. @Leo Gura you say I am laying a deeper foundation, how do I know I am actually doing anything useful and not just tricking myself that I am? I don't feel any improvement whatsoever, just much more theory.

ease, me joining Iraqi axis of resistance

@Leo Gura decades is too long, I already feel late, I know people my age who are, more well read, or making good money, or muscular and physically healthy (I know this one is shallow but I will count it) I don't feel like I am investing in myself, I feel like I am giving myself the illusion of doing stuff. @Carl-Richard funny you say that, I think I am still orange, I integrated blue very well by studying fundamentalist Islam theoretically, and by seeking to understand people like that in real life and engaging in talks with them, and even choosing to follow fundamentalist Islam for a few months as an experiment to integrate blue. right now, I am studying the materialist paradigm, rationality, and that sort of stuff, also focusing on physical achievements, but it basically broke my world view. @Thought Art I mean sure it is normal, but I feel like I made zero progress in years following this work! If I had been 100% consistent and decisive since I have started (4 years ago), I would have: read 150+ serious books with notes on them all mastered kriya yoga, and began mastering another path built a great body done a lot of serious independent contemplation built my social skills started making money maybe got a scholarship out of Iraq I know it seems like a lot, but it is realistic if I was just consistent, I already feel behind, I know people my age doing much better. I slacked off from this work last year, during 12th grade (traumatic life event in Iraq, literally), in order to do well academically, but I procrastinated a lot, I fucked up in my country and school standards, parents disappointed at me, I am not doing well in anything lmao. My habits that I built one by one very slowly also have fallen off and I am unable to get back on track. I suspect I have ADHD tbh, i match all symptoms I believe. @The Renaissance Man yes this is good, you got it right, I will do this as well.

@Salvijus yes that works, it is like some sort of self inquiry, detaching from my thoughts, it works for a moment, brings mental silence and happiness. Yet of course, that can not be maintained, it is just avoiding the problem. I can't just shut off my mind every time, I need to live with and beyond the world at the same time, balance them out. @Ulax I mean, my hobbies are this work I suppose, which involves: meditation, reading, exercise, also stuff like chess, talking to people, listening to music, night walks. I used to also play video games and watch anime, but it doesn't engage me anymore, like I can't get hooked in. @Nilsi okay, that's good, you mean like, to not pressure myself too early, but you said you were in a similar case, how are you now? did you figure your life out? what worked for you?

@Salvijus okay got it, that makes sense. @Rafael Thundercat I am sorry if that seemed the wrong way, it seems to me that whenever I ask this question, the answers I get are not the type of answers I am looking for, so that's what I meant. I am looking for a practical, no-bullshit answer, I think that's would work for me, preferably from someone who has went through a similar experience.

porn just kidding

I quite literally have no idea what is there to believe.

Engaging in PROPER sense making is hard as fuck, many people in this forum have probably done that at some point, but it is easy to get to a point where you think you passed that stage and figured out the truth, which.... ta da! is exactly what we parrot here. I am saying that most of us have accumulated a lot of dogmas here, even though we think we are beyond it. How do you know enlightenment exists? I would argue most of us here have taken this for granted, without even experiencing it is reality illusory? Is solipsism the truth? is reality out there or a construction of your mind? maybe science or some religion holds the absolute truth? is what you see on psychedelics bullshit or real? most of us would assume it is real without second guessing (I have no direct experience yet) how do you know spiral dynamics is valid? did you just accept it because some authority figure like Ken Wilber or Leo or whoever presented it? I am questioning the exact beliefs that are core to this forum, as well as the materialist worldview, which is core to a lot of us subconsciously, even if you believe it is wrong intellectually. I am not coming at this from a scientific skepticism, science is also being questioned. I believed most of this for a long time, but currently, reality is falling apart.

@Salvijus part of the problem, how do I know if a karmic lineage is real? it sounds cool, but I have been trying to be more attentive to my world view and not adopt any belief without direct experience or good reason. Old me would have probably accepted it because it is a cool spiritual concept. how do you know something like a karmic lineage exists?

I am not sure you guys understand

I love how Leo is trying to show biases and understand each POV rather than argue for a side lol Good job Leo

Okay this is insane right now