Ayham

I am not rich (yet), I don't look cool, nor have I had sex, yet I feel like I am peaking. I am 18. Been watching actualized.org since I was 15, lots of shit happened but right now: I have read about 50+ books, a lot of which are from the book list, took so much notes and learned so much I was an introverted guy who had only one friend and can't talk. I forced myself to go out of my bubble and have went on hundreds of random adventures, encounters and made so much friends, even though I am still an introvert and I hate socializing. Now I have connections everywhere in my country and other countries and I know someone for every thing I ever need Going deep into spirituality and feeling reality shattering sober Published a research paper, have around 20 certificates in various things like marketing and programming, finished an internship, won a hackathon, did a graduation project as a freshman, getting a patent soon, and excelling academically while being a second year student at university in my field (AI and robotics engineering) Changed the trajectory of the lives of a lot of people I know to the better, having a direct influence on them Having the opportunity to learn from people who are much better than me Did a lot of public speaking in local events Started making content recently (in Arabic) Been heart broken twice, really strengthened me Staring a company soon that probably will fail but will try my best for the learning experience All of this while being from a third world country, fatherless, and a war survivor. I was born brain washed with Islam and I had to get out, this is where actualized.org got in and I am confident to say it had the biggest impact on me. Yet here is the problem: I have self-hatred issues and I noticed I have a fear of being ordinary, I act differently socially just because I don't want to feel "ordinary", this was not a conscious thing, it took a lot of jouranling to figure this out. I feel like all this I am doing is just the interface, I don't feel like I am growing enough on the inside, my character is not... developing? I feel like I am not changing in a fundamental way, but maybe its just supposed to be gradual. I feel like I am never good enough, despite doing all this, I feel like a fraud I want the key for real inner change and transformation I want to be able to change grow in a serious way that I feel like I outgrew my previous self I want to be able to build real strength and identity that is not dependent on any outside achievement I will contemplate the answer for myself and I want to compare what I get with your answers, so give me your thoughts.

Alright, it has been a while since I have posted here, and I have wanted to delete my account at some point. I want to go briefly over my life right now since I am now 19. I finished high school, got into AI and robots engineering, social skills went up the roof and I became extremely confident as opposed to how I used to be, I excelled academically and became one of the top students, I made high quality connections with professors and company owners, I got in many leadership positions, I won first place in technical competitions, and I was also was continuing my self-actualization stuff. That was my freshman year which ended. But past 2 months, I have only been depressed, due to 3 main reasons. 1. My relative, someone who highly influenced me, and was closer to me than my father, is dying out of cancer. That has been immensely painful. 2. Even though I am building a good infrastructure, I still don't have a source of income, and my family depends on me as my father is not here, and the financial situation has been getting worse and I am highly responsible to fix it but I just... don't know what to do. 3. I loved a girl in uni. 6 months ago, we started getting close and everything went well, but she is kind of really stage blue and doesn't want relationships, I confessed to her by programming a website with a game and a long message and she was crying out of happiness, and we continued "friendship" that felt like more, she would get jealous if I talk to other girls and tell me how I am the first person she fears losing, etc. And guess what? 2 months ago, after 6 months of closeness like that, some guy was trying to get close to her and calling her cute. I really panicked and just needed reassurance, as we didn't have an official label, but I kept getting more and more panicking and at some point she felt scared and like I was trying to control her, and she started distancing more and more and I kept chasing like an idiot, until at this point she literally acts like she doesn't know me and wants me gone, even though she used to be the one who cried if she thinks she might lose me. I know I acted needy but come on. To be honest, the third reason has hurt me the most, I really loved her from the depths of my heart, we were each other's first close connection like that, and I just didn't want to lose her, and I did. She wants nothing to do with me anymore, and probably replaced me with that guy. I know I pressured her but I just did it out of fear, I didn't "hurt her" in any way. Yes she was part stage blue but really smart and developed in other ways and we had similar values in life. Now the person she is with me (when I talk to her, which I don't) is... so mean and cold that I don't know her anymore. I don't want her anymore as I don't want a girl who replaced me like that, but I am still deeply hurt. I watched Leo's fake spirituality video and I really resonated with it, been years since I last watched Leo and this really went deep. The problem is, yes I seek to value Truth and genuine spirituality, but I can't get my basic needs of affection and love met. I am heavily traumatized from war and family issues which leads me to strong fear of abandonment and attachment issues, and a high need for love. My culture here in Iraq doesn't really help to meet what I need as love, and even though since I am now popular and have a high status in my uni, I know I can get with a lot of girls but I just... can't trust or love again after what happened. I don't just want casual love. I want deep intimacy, strong connection, quality moments, loyalty, expression, and vulnerability. I know I am supposed to love myself first, and yes I am working on that, I improve, but no amount of loving myself at my current state will help. I know it is the root solution, but part of me needs to at least experience this external love I am talking about to realize it won't fulfill me, it is a human need after all. What I experienced with that girl was limited as she was careful to not let it grow into a relationship to not clash with her family values. I just want to feel loved and valued for once. I am so love starved that a few days ago my grandpa told me "I love you", and I teared up. So, I think to be able to deal with the other issues, I need to take care of the need for love thing, how do I deal with this in your opinion? Especially in my culture where dating is very hard and finding suitable people is even harder. I would also appreciate @Emerald and @Leo Gura input too.

It is not about that, it is about the info here, I will be more careful in the future. @Leo Gura

Hey Leo... Been a while since I posted here, my life has been unbelievably sky rocketing, like literally unbelievable things happened. Thanks everyone and I wish you all the best. I request the deletion of my account as it has too much private info that will get me into trouble, and my name mentioned too many times, along with many info that anyone who knows me could add up it's me. This is important and urgent. I will probably make another account.

@Leo Gura Well, how does the end goal of kriya differ from normal meditation in your opinion?

can confirm

woah this forum... been a while

Hi from Iraq, I don't know about Latin America but it is red af here, but I would say more blue depending on the place. Some areas and settings are very red, some are very blue, and some are very orange, a green area is nonexistent for example. BTW, in Iraq, lawyers are jobless (and also everyone lol) because most of the time, the "law" gets implemented by clans, like, your last name is your clan, each clan has a head chief or something, people use their clans to get back at people and stuff, either through taking money from people or sometimes it evolves into a gun fight. But actually Iraq is developing a lot recently, like in the last few years, it is becoming much more orange, these stuff are getting rare, I just hope nothing happens in Iraq because we are just getting ourselves together lol (since the tensions in the middle east are fire right now).

Me too

The book called kundalini exposed has a well written section on how to ground yourself when things get intense like this. It includes stuff like weightlifting, cardio, stretching, eating meat, etc.

@Panteranegra Very well, and do you recommend a specific online resource?

I highly recommend Daniel Schmachtenberger (however his name is spelled) booklist, it is available on his website and I find it higher quality than Leo's but the books are quite dense and yes they are worth internalizing, if you spend 4 years on his list of around 40 books (quality over quantity reading, not less time reading, but more reflection and deep reading) you will be all set for an awesome foundation. https://civilizationemerging.com/resources/books/

Thank you for your very detailed answer, I read it multiple times and understood it well. My questions are: I have no option for initiation, I live in a part of the world that does not provide that option, what would you recommend from your knowledge? and what techniques does your routine consist of? Practicing from books have lead me to a lot of confusion due to the differences between various others, and I keep jumping around rather than sticking to something.

@Panteranegra I would like to know how transformative it is and what your practice is like.

I convinced him to take an albert camus approach for now.