I am better at not getting lost in the negative, fearful narrative of my mind than I was a few years ago, I now realize I am seperate from my thoughts and the master of my mind. BUT, one particular subject/situation that is current in my experience is very very touchy.
Long story very short, abusive ex husband dissapeared for 3 years, came back out of the blue for a custody battle full of lies and everyone is believing him and turning things around on me and the entire thing is insane and infuriating. I can't think about it or deal with it without instant thoughts and feelings of rage, injustice, and fear.
I'm desperately trying to soften my thoughts around it, not necessarily to positive thoughts because I'm way too far from there to make that jump. I'm going for neutral thoughts like "Things always work out" and "The worst is never as bad as my thoughts about the worst" but the subject is so charged, its electric.
I avoid the subject entirely if I can. My 7 yr old has been with this man for 3 weeks now, after not even knowing who he was and I can't even allow myself to think about my daughter being with my ex abuser or the thoughts and feelings start. I can feel them in my body. Physically.
If an email or text or call or court date comes up to deal with it, if someone asks me about it...instantly all the big feelings and negative thoughts flood my mind and body. Sometimes it literally makes me lose my breath. As if someone punched me in my gut. And things unrelated can trigger the crazy thought train to start barreling through my mind.
I try to get ahead of it and journal, listing all the negative thoughts, questioning them, reframing them very neutrally... I use EFT/tapping, essential oils, positive affirmations... meditation feels like torture right now with all the racing thoughts. I'm also doing work on releasing anger and EMDR therapy for past trauma.
How do I lessen the charge or soften the thoughts and feelings around a subject/situation that feels so scary and isolated? It feels like my voice on the subject doesn't matter and like I'm screaming into a void.
I so badly want to see the love in everyone and everything and get to that place of forgiveness(myself and others), peace and bliss but the fear and anger from a lifetime of abuse and uncertainty is creating a fog in my experience where everyone and everything feels evil and scary and against me...at least things dealing with my ex or the legal stuff.
