Harman

A lack of love

I will be going to check my kidneys through a x-ray in the next coming days hopefully but i do want to find out what it is so wouldn't mind doing a urine test. Also very creative idea with AI wouldnt never have thought of that.

so couple of days ago ive been having a stomach virus/infection/idk what it is. It was very annoying but now feeling ok but ive been noticing my kidneys have been hurting more than usual. Ive been noticing kidney pain for at least a year or so the reason why i think it happen was because before i would wake up and drink around a litre of water first thing then wait to pee. I then started to notice pain there and started to drink a lot less water bit i think the damage has been done as i was doing this for a long period of time i would say 2 years or so every day. Anyways today i drink like barely a glass of water at the start of my day but recently with the kidney pain i think that my pee may have blood in it. Im not 100 percent sure but my pee has been more darker and almost like theres something in it that spreads around dont know how to explain it. Anyways i wanna know what to do about i will try and go to the hospital to get checked out through a potential x-ray or mri or ultra sound. But in general i want to improve my a lot through my diet. I dont know where to start however thought about going on low carb diet with high protein or fat but ofcourse i dont know much about it as the info i get on health is dr berg. I know that people are suspect of him about his information so i wouldn't mind learning stuff from others to if you have any recommendation. Overall i want to improve my health ofcourse it wont be easy cause one thing i would say is in my way is money but hopefully i can start making some bigger changes with my diet. When i was growing up didnt have the greatest diet or pretty much was malnuriust so it did hinder my grow a little with poor sleep and mental health. I just wanna try and improve my life quite a bit and i think one of doing that is through my diet.

Ngl idk what is going on but maybe it could be the basic of not getting enough vitamins or maybe not enough potassium with the weakness or could be that there maybe a problem in terms of condition sorry or not being of no help but i would check everything plus your diet plus your environment to the detergents your using or any signs of heavy metals anywhere but again sorry for not knowing the situation more.

@NoSelfSelf dojo to the moon to saturn to the solar system the limps wont even know we exists baby

From glory Britannia Birmingham God save our king and our souls ofcourse

I have multiple things i could say but if you want to continue this path on dating then listen to Tykwondoe one of the most experience but also one of the only guys that breaks down everything in game not many like him.

To be honest do both work on yourself and talk to her but up to you.

The bottom line is give it a try and talk honestly with her what you want out of an relationship from both point of views and communicate what you two want and make it clear. please just give it a go you got nothing to lose if you accepted that she is gone from your life. ?

Im not gonna lie i feel like she still really wants you now i dont know what happen recently but i feel like just everything you said that she change her requirements for dating because of you because she cant let you go but i dont know the situation but all i would say is try to talk to each other in person and just talk honestly. I know she is still dating other men but again like she said she has doubts or that she wants you or is missing you. Another thing is that you want her and you make that very clear. All i would say is that try to communicate better within the relationship and with each other. I know that it might seem lost but the sooner you act now the better the chances and if you need me to tell you i think she still wants you and you want her whats wrong with that.

With losing or trying and trying but you have no results (which is what i feel like with a lot of projects or learning and trying new things) i do feel i cant really figure how to keep on going and to fall into traps of not trying again or just not trying other things cause i know how differcult the journey would be and the same other results from the past . I do want keep trying and try to i guess experience things where it will need patience and trial and error for example of going like 0-80 or some shit with trying to get girls on discord (but to be fair discord is a very odd place is something i notice). My question would be how do i get rid of this pattern of thinking because i feel like thats been an issue when it comes to questioning myself and seeing the reason upon why it happens and how to get rid of it. I do think that it has been a problem for a long time and the best i can do patiently is learn things very slowly like what leo said about having passions that only grow slowly but continuous throughout a long period of time to understand it. This may have a link between my other forum post that i did couple of days ago about life purpose. Thanks for the time

@Leo Gura Appreciate the response i felt like i have done that quite a bit but never really got to understand how to find a way or to keep on going. Tbh i may have done it too much where like now i dont really know what to do where now i feel like i cant really think for myself cause maybe i dont really trust my self anymore i dont really how to explain it myself but i feel like ive tried a lot to make my life better and more meaningful but kinda just gave up on it. So im left like wtf am i doing right now and i dont know its like this weird feeling of nothing and hopelessness i know i shouldnt feel this or think it or believe but its kinda hows it been for a bit. To be honest even i dont know what im saying right now but yh just the feeling of lost bored and tiredness and regret and anger is what i feel for whats like been like a year or so something like that.

@Ajax To keep trying and failing but to not doubt everything about yourself and to not stop trying to find a way a problem that i have dealt with like all my life so it doesnt allow me to enjoy the journey and doesnt allow me to get started with other journeys and goals. To be honest i know this belief is a huge problem like a lot of beliefs that are in my mind every day so to be honest i feel like getting therapy will be the best solution i hope just to become more aware how much i sabotage myself i dont know where to start to understand what type of therapy i need but if anyone knows different types of therapy it appreciate if you can share with me some information and key factors to them.

With losing or trying and trying but you have no results (which is what i feel like with a lot of projects or learning and trying new things) i do feel i cant really figure how to keep on going and to fall into traps of not trying again or just not trying other things cause i know how differcult the journey would be and the same other results from the past . I do want keep trying and try to i guess experience things where it will need patience and trial and error for example of going like 0-80 or some shit with trying to get girls on discord (but to be fair discord is a very odd place is something i notice). My question would be how do i get rid of this pattern of thinking because i feel like thats been an issue when it comes to questioning myself and seeing the reason upon why it happens and how to get rid of it. I do think that it has been a problem for a long time and the best i can do patiently is learn things very slowly like what leo said about having passions that only grow slowly but continuous throughout a long period of time to understand it. This may have a link between my other forum post that i did couple of days ago about life purpose. Thanks for the time

@Michael569 apappreciate that

There a couple of questions and thoughts about life purpose and my lack of knowledge on this. How important is a life purpose? Do people need a life purpose for any benefit to there lives? Does your life purpose change all the time? (for me i havent figured it out but i do feel like it changes for me quite a bit) what is a life purpose? Do you need a life purpose for a stable life or even an happy life? How do you find your life purpose? What will it take to live any life purpose? I havent been able to figure my own life purpose and to live my own life purpose the only thing i have come up with is to live a life of joy and freedom and to not be scared and find every way to enjoy something like that. I just thought of asking these question i dont really know where to begin with this.

@Michael569 19

Yh ive been feeling lost in a sence of i dont know what im doing right now or anymore. Ive went through alot of realisations over the past 48 hours or so and i just feel relieved and almost light and for the first time in so long i went outside as i do but i looked up and saw the stars and in that moment a first time in a while was just present and accepted and loved what i saw (btw theres like 30 to 40 stars idk how but there was alot). And so now im just left kinda empty and not knowing what to do as im just in peace i dont know maybe after a little while it will go back to normal but it feels nice just to be i guess relieved about letting go somethings that has been a real block in my life. What it has done has made this feeling of why do such a thing and why worry about doing something you dont need to do i guess my goals are now unknown because right in this moment i dont know whats next or what is my motivation or my desire right now so it is just a weird feeling to have over a while of stress and worry. If this is a sign towards something good or bad let me know as im lost a bit to see what does this mean right now. Have a good day all of you!

@ndm678 It is kinda scary as like im kinda lost upon the purpose on alot of things which has made me scared but also i dont really feel to worried or stressed to be chasing or doing something. I think this is what happens when you are scared and stressed for nearly a year and a half on stuff and then when you understand the problem i feel somewhat free and lighter.

So when i was watching leo i do always remember him talking about truth i dont know specifically of the top of my head but i do remember it. And today ive realised that truth is getting at my. How so? Well i have been trying to live a meaningful life but because of this voice in my head thats like stop lets examine the weakness or the traps for example as simple as talking to girls. whats the traps?= thinking that this is love when really it may not be, becoming too reliant on her to give me something that i dont know how to give myself, the fear of how i would respond when she would leave and how would i respond. I think what has happened is that i do this with near enough everything and what it has caused is for me to not do much with my life and has caused me to be scared and to do anything because i might be scared of the traps of where my mind will during these activities or anything. And also with me not knowing much or beliefing in me means that i respond by not doing much at all. Ps i havent really explained this problem to well but if any of replys come ill try to answer your questions as i still im not sure upon this problem but i know that it has made my excitement for life become nothibg which is scary for me because im only 18 so it is quite scary to have this happen for a while so it would appreciated for more clarity.

@NoSelfSelf i apreciate that i think i am too scared or not too on creating meaning in things or that matter to me but im not sure about the analogy you used and the trap bit is all i didnt get but thank you for your response.

@Vajra i dont know its that but again it could be i wish i had that feeling or understanding that it was that also if this is some new opening of a new being opening then i dont know if it is the being i want to be because all i see is a lot of nothing and darkness again i dont know or understand what yiu said at a level but i am always greatful for your response thank you.

Apreciate that thank you for the advice.

I dont know where to start but yh its hard to deal with life or maybe its my flaut i dont know. The year and half have been just all over the place im 18 so when i dropped out of college i had no clue what to do so i was lost and fell in the trap of trying to find a job which i fearee doing because i kinda fear and dislike the adult world or the jobs i see and me imaging that i would be depressed for the rest of my life because it would be meaningless plus just the same old thing everyday. And this problem became such a fear that i was consdering sucide deeply because i feared that life soo much that i didnt want that life at all but the pressure of doing or getting a job made that fear worse. So around about the start of the year and last december i decided to watch leos videos about how to live a beautiful life which it did work but that fear of getting a job was still there and whilst i was watching leo i was starting to enjoy life so much and is started to become myself as a person (ofcourse someone will say there is no self bullshit but i have no idea about what it means). All i was doing was watching leos content and almost worship him like jesus well not really but i would take everything he says to heart and almost like he was the bibly or the gospel something like that. Which ofcourse caused alot of issues as the deeper i went the more deeper we went with everything so ofcourse there was gonna be a bomb that was gonna explode. And that did happen around february or march things went to shit stopped meditating stop watching leo and i dont know what happened to cause this specifically but the after math was i was trying to be like leo and live the way he did and like i said before when you think someone is like a god in your eyes and you take everything he says and belief in an instant then yh i kinda did and even today still deal with this problem. Also thought about suicide a lot started my porn addiction again needed to go to threapy untill i couldnt pay no more and my life fliped upside down in an instant. The last couple of months has been the same but the thoughts of suicide have stopped i figured and understood my fear a lot more, my feelings towards life and my excitement has disapeared and to be honest ive never felt such little excitement out of my life from the last couple of months which has scared me a lot because i dont what to do about it. Another problem ive been having is always not knowing what to do as all i do nowa days is set around and watch youtube all day and play some games but the voice inside of me is always saying you need to figure out your life and its been like this for the last couple of months and basically im lost and have no idea what to do with my life i guess i could go and work at a job but to be honest that would be like leo said soul draining. The fear of me not knowing what to do with my life or whats next has just haunted me for the longest that i know. And im always trying to plan to be like a perfectionist becaue i probably fear too much about failing or other stuff. For me i want to live a beautiful meaningful life but i have soo much doubt and so clueless upon what to do and i dont know how to get there or where to go and i do feel like sometimes i should just end it all because the amount of pain that ive experince the last 3 years or so i just feel like i would be at peace for once but i dont know what to think anymore. Ps this is not an attack on leo its more of my flaut then anything also may not have said everything or all the important things but this took a while to type up so may a have missed somethings. I didnt want to do this or never really wanted to do this but i have no idea and no one to go to to be honest so this is all i could think off also it has been a down week for me and the last day or so.

Yh i understand i think nowa days i can figure tge money and work stuff but its more about the other stuff i said on the post that i have differculties about thanks for your responds.