Julian Fernando

A few years ago I suffered from social anxiety. I avoided social situations and speaking to people because my impression was that others were judging me. You guys knowing me as I am today would probably not think that due to the changes I have made. I had this desire to be more outgoing and connect with people yet I felt like something was holding me back. Maybe some of you can relate, for some of us it is a slight fear of being in awkward moments, for others it can be more crippling. I remember being invited to someone house yet I stayed home because of my fear. "What are others going to think about me?" "how may I mess up this situation?" These were some of the thoughts running through my mind. I remember a specific instance where I was laying on the couch, numbing out to junk food while watching Netflix. I felt terrible. I hated myself. I was angry. I knew something had to change, yet I kept distracting myself. I became curious about my fears and wondered how I could overcome them. I made a decision to take three steps outside my comfort zone every day. I began small by approaching strangers and asking them for the time. I gave strangers compliments, sharing what it is I genuinely appreciate about them and sparking conversations were we talked about our favourite superhero's. Over time my comfort zone expanded and the things that used to scare me ended up getting easier. The more I stepped outside my comfort zone, the easier it became and the more fun I had. At a later stage I pushed myself by dancing in public place all alone and singing songs to strangers. Through this process I realized that when I do that which I fear and I face it, it stops having control over me. Not only did I challenge myself socially but I took an honest look at my life and my habits. I found that having empowering habits in my life was key to building my confidence. Every night before going to bed I would journal about what went well during the day and the challenges that I did and what I have learned. I began meditating, learning to calm down my mind. Moreover, I was working out several times a week, and implemented a daily reading habit of books that truly inspired me, In the beginning of my journey I had many doubts about my ability to make a change. I remember feeling stuck and being so identified with my problem that I had a hard time imagining what it would be like to live without it. I stayed consistent with the comfort zone expanding exercises and habits. As time progressed I was seeing small changes in my ability to relate with people, my base line energy level and overall confidence. These motivated me even more to keep moving forward. One of my fears was being weird and awkward. By stepping outside my comfort zone daily I was facing that which I feared. I learned to be compassionate with myself and not see mistakes as failures, instead as opportunities to learn. By changing my perspectives I felt freer inside because now making mistakes was ok and I knew that no matter what happened I knew I could handle the emotion, allow it to be there and then let it go. Whereas in the beginning it felt like I had to push myself outside of my comfort zone over time it became enjoyable and I learned to embrace and enjoy the discomfort. The principle that helped me most on my journey was the 1% rule. Through my daily journaling practice, writing down what went well and what I learned I had the intention to improve every day just by 1%. If I had just improved by 1% that day than I could allow myself to go to bed with a good feeling, knowing that something good happened and that I learned something new. From my experience social anxiety is something that can be overcome. Yet I want to make something clear. This is not a quick fix solution. It required me to take an honest look at my self and take consistent action of the course of many months. Oh and just so you know, I am not free of social anxiety. I still get it. What you may think? You have done all these crazy comfort zone challenges and you still get social anxiety? Yes that is right I still get it from time to time. And I learned that this is ok. What has changed is my attitude towards it. Instead of judging and condemning myself for having it, I allow it be there and realize it is part of being human. I make mistakes as I am human just like you. I am not perfect by any means. I learned that true confidence actually is not about pretending to be confident rather it is living in congruence with your values. It is the ability to open up and share your vulnerabilities. If you have social anxiety here are my three recommendations Find someone who has overcome it and ask them to support you on your journey. Committ to stepping outside your comfort zone daily Commit to implementing empowering habits that helps you clam down your mind, relax your body and develop a positive attitude towards life Define compelling goals for your life and take daily steps towards them This was the story about how I overcame my social anxiety. Feel free to share the struggles of your paths and the insights you have had along your way.

@fopylo Great question. To make it short and more easily understandable, the only way to feel love is to give love. Let that sink in. At first it may seem counter intuitive, yet the more you experience the truth of this in your direct experience, the more success you will have. The giver is blessed, because the act of giving in itself feels good. Moreover, the more you focus on giving and adding value the more you get in return.

I don´t fully understand your question. What is your current biggest struggle?

Hey everyone, I used to have social anxiety and it impacted my life quite severely. I will share with you what I did to overcome it as I am sure it might be of a lot of value, especially to those who want to overcome this problem. Well, for many years after knowing I had social anxiety I read about it, thought about it, talked about it etc. But what struck me is that non of these things actually seemed to help me. I wondered how come I have this issue and why does it not seem to go away? I was envying those people with loads of confidence that could just naturally talk to people, connect and make friends. And here I was (I am an introvert by nature) being shy and quiet most of the time. The thing is that deep inside I had this longing to be more social and to make friends easily. I wanted to be more charismatic, a likeable person that enters the room, that talks to people and is outgoing and has fun. I knew it was possible and I was willing to do whatever it takes. So I did. A while now I have committed to do 3 small steps outside my comfort zone every day. It started out with asking strangers for the time (that was already huge for me back then). I just kept at it every single day and slowly but steadily my comfort zone kept expanding. The people who I knew in the past can barely even recognize me any longer. "what happened to you?" they say. "you have changed so much". What was scary at first has turned into a life long passion of mine. By confronting my fears something interesting happened... They suddenly stopped having control over me. I am curious to hear about what your experience with social anxiety is. Where are you on your journey? What have you done to overcome it? And what were some of the struggles you have been having?

Another reason may be an inhibition of your male agression. From personal experience I found that connecting deeper to my agression has made sex more enjoyable and allowed me to step deeper in my masculine essence. I want to make something clear, when I mean agression I mean the raw power of it. Agression is neither good nor bad. How we use it makes all the difference. By learning to relax my body and slow things down while simultaniously feeling the inner feeling of ravishing her I am able to last longer. For me sex has now become more than the simple pressure release of ejaculation. Often times I have sex without ejaculation or even penetration all together. I have learned to enjoy the progress more and allow myself to feel the turn on fully!

Here is what I learned from all the experience I have gained so far. Say that which is true to you. Say that which you want to say. Everytime before I approach a girl I ask myself: "what is it that I genuinely appreciate about this girl?". And oh wow my results have changed drastically. Why is that? Women can feel you energy. Are you there because you genuinely want to get to know her and share you attraction with her or are you simply there to boost your ego thinking that "at least I got it done". By being genuinely curious and focusing on the feelings in my body women responded differently in ways I could have never imaged before. The secret is you want to change your feeling around taking to girls. Learn to find ways to enjoy the process. Learn to see the womens beauty, her essence, enjoy her smell etc. When you talk to her and feel good about doing so things will change fast for you. Now one more thing to add. It can take a while before you get to that state. You may feel shame, anger, guilt, loniless etc. I found that by simply allowing myselg to feel the feeling and taking to her while being connected to my feelings was a game changer. When you are sad and you go talk to her anyways, sharing your attraction towards her while not needing to hide what is going on, that is powerful. It is called congruence. It makes people trust you because you are in integrity. Hope it makes sense.

"Where attention goes, energy flows". What is your vision for your life? What are your goals? What kind of relationships would you love to have in the ideal situation? These are some questions to deeply contemplate. How would they feel like? Who would I need to be to attract these situations?

Hey Man, firstly thanks for sharing! I will now give you the raw truth. You are suffering from an illness called "Oneitis". The mindset that there is only one girl in this world that you could potentially have a great relationship with. In short, you are setting yourself up for failure. One of the keys in maturing as a man is to learn to give yourself to love and approval that you otherwise seek in romantic relationships. When you are able to do this then you can shift from co dependent relationships to co creative relationships. From what I see is that you are creating suffering within yourself by holding on to her. Why are you doing it? Do you think your relationship will get better this way? How attractive is a man who is dependent on a girls validation? Now I am saying this sounding like some guy who is inferior to you just to tell you I did the exact same thing, therefore I am able to relate to what you are saying. I had to learn it the hard way. You asked what you can do in the meantime and here is what I have learned. Learn to make yourself happy. Learn to genuienly be happy by yourself without anyone around. Do the things that give you joy. What are you passionate about? Do you love singing, dancing, doing math, painting etc? Do that! Do it fully! See you life in the bigger picture. You may continue seing this girl and you may not. Either way your life will go on. New opportunities and experience will come along their way. So my suggestion is the following. See if you can let her go. I don´t mean actually, feel free to see her once she is back and enjoy her presence. I mean the attatchment you have around needing her. See if you can be loving towards her without needing anything in return. Hope this makes sense. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

Hey man, well firstly thank you for opening up, this is always the first step and takes some balls to do so. Firstly you mentioned you dont want to feel the shame... Remember: "what you feel, you heal". In my process of overcoming my sexual shame I found it helpful to welcome it, fully feel it, give myself love and acceptance and let it go. Next you asked about the process of healing and my question to you is, who would you be without your sexual shame? What is your vision for your life once you have overcome it? Are you currently approaching girls and going on dates? What would your ideal relationship look like. I am asking you these questions for a very specific reason: "what you hold in mind tends to manifest". Yes you have been through some shit in your life and yes i get that it was not easy for you, and yes i see that some of the programming is still impacting your thinking, feeling and acting. Still, what would your life look like without it? What are you currently doing to overcome this problem of yours?

Hey man! This is an interesting phenomena you are describing and I can relate to it because it was EXACTLY what I experienced back when I was still in school. I remember there being these peer groups that formed and I wanted to be included in them. I always felt like I had to make a conscious effort for other people to notice me and I was frustrated because of it. I have done some major changes in my life and looking back here is what I have learned: Firstly I realized that I was being needy. I did not see the relationship as something I was adding value to, I saw it as something that needed to give me something. By changing my focus on genuinely adding value and giving without wanting anything in return everything and I mean EVERYTHING changed. The key I found is to learn to give myself to validation that I have been looking for in those relationships, develop the wholeness within myself and from this place of being my energy became one of sharing and adding value rather than taking. Now people want to be in my presence and love to be around me because I focus on having fun and making myself and them feel great in the process. Hope it makes sense.

I will try my best to answer your question based on the information you have provided. Firstly, why are you hanging out with someone who is judging you and trying to pull you down rather than being supportive in the first place? Why are you holding on to someone like this? What about the other people in your life. Do you have real genuine relationships that are nuturing and empowering you to move towards your goals? Also, do you know what you boundaries are? Have you expressed your truth towards him before, how his judgements make you feel?