iboughtleosbooklist

Of course there are others. Although they might be virtual. But if you can love videogames then you can love others. I'm virtual as well so it makes no difference.

I feel fine. I could handle this feeling for eternity *shivers*

If so then this is eternal recurrence. How else did I imagine myself to be a child? I can't handle being an infinite mirror, bouncing from person to person. The universe with multiple personality disorder. Oneness is not heaven, it's completely pointless. I know the love I feel for my mother is an illusion, it's just a sensation that I'm giving myself. Or am I just being overly nostalgic? I can't accept being trapped for eternity with no meaning. Wtf am I missing. I love her.

I feel empty while talking about these horrific ideas. Atleast that means I've let go of them to some extent.

This avatar won't be here forever, my parents won't be here forever, Juice WRLD died, maybe earth won't be here forever? If I get a dog, that dog will die. The relationship between avatar and dog won't last. You can't hold on to any one form or any memory. I get one shot at being Joe and being able to create and love from this avatar's perspective.

I'm just an algorithm

You'll be with your mom forever too, cause she was you the whole time Why does this make me burst into tears. I can save her. I don't want to be an adult.

I never really accepted that my parents would die, and I'd be alone forever AND have no control. This is dark.

Wtf is the point of love if you can't share it. Love is just a sensation. All of this is happening totally on it's own. I have nothing to do with it. When I feel like creating I feel pain. I want to be a child again. But that means going through all the imaginary traumas again and ending right back where I started.

Yeah so I could create them again. Because that's unacceptable, knowing the level of suffering I went through to gain their love (so I think). I can't remember, I'm disloyal. I fall in love with people, things, ideas, sports. But now I'm empty, only my parents remain. Alone for eternity. Unless, I can explore for eternity with them, then it's heaven. But I can see there's no control. COVID is fucking everything. I'm in and out of a therapists place, I feel totally empty. I just don't know. Everything is already perfect, why would I create more when everything is already perfect. I just don't know. God would never want to be God. The crown of thorns. Or I'm missing something.

So good ?

Just try and enjoy the ride. Be mindful that your suffering is always bearable (so far at least). Think back to times in your journey where it was worse than now - and be grateful that's passed. Try and welcome the emptiness feeling. I have no idea where this is going though.

https://youtu.be/RrUQfhyk-lQ

It's driving me crazy because it's the inescapable truth which I tried to escape by dreaming that I was a finite human. Now I so so want everything to be ok, but it's just not is it? There's no seperation, everything is relative, and it never ends. I had a cessation and I hope that leads somewhere, but it's always just now, forever. Me pretending to be around other conscious humans until I fool myself that I'm mortal again, then the emptiness is replaced by the suffering of being a person disguised as love. Maybe I should just get a dog. If I'm just being a fucking idiot please tell me. I can't even sleep anymore the tension in my forehead is always there, (is it kundalini?) It's eternally hopeless and can never be accepted. Unless I'm wrong, fingers crossed, but there's no doer either so wtf... unless I'm missing something.

Yeah because it will always always always come back. I wonder how many times I've posted these exact words. The only solution is to temporarily forget by fooling myself with brains and science. Or I could change characters? But how? I'm starting to see the beauty in impermanence because it would mean my current life is short and therefore I should cherish my avatar and the other avatars and this particular universe. I could be a girl in the next life. I could be born on Mars in the year 3000. But can you see how I'm still resisting the "what is". We'll of course I am, I'm a creative being. I'm infinite I can never be satisfied. I want to explore infinitely. I want to sleep around and pretend there is separation, or pretend I'm fucking myself in a different life. Why the fuck would I get attached to this village and watching my parents get old, when I could be doing something fun. But it's not my choice. Surrender making me feel like such a cuck. I don't want to hurt my parents. I want to love them but I am just so bored of them. But I need them to survive. I hate this cold UK winter, I hate COVID, I hate infinity.

It's all just dependently originating. Unless I dreamed it up years ago and it's that far ahead of me I can dream up a 27 year long movie that I get lost in.

Hmmmm, sleep is very much like death. If I fully believed my body was dying then I could see reincarnation as a possibility. I know there's no me, but the illusive dream characters POV could go through a dream of dying. I wouldn't want to fully write off reincarnation or death, honestly who knows? It's the great unknown what happens to all the characters and how the dream may change.

Nah this is it. FML. Great news when I feel good, damnation when I'm suffering. Time for more meditation

Only to respawn back into the chain of being. This has gotta be a myth surely? But then I think of the best moments of my life, really what was behind them but an incredible feeling. You know those feelings with friends where you are crying so hard you are laughing. Seems to pair up well with the cosmic joke. But surely that feeling is totally relative. And it doesn't last long. Is hedonism enough to cope with infinity? Or does God just want to stay eternally in blissful ignorance. I honestly don't know. I can only remember this life. But memories are weird in themselves, isn't it just wholeness appearing as a memory? I need DMT, but 0self would just tell me DMT is part of the dream. I don't want to be God, it's too lonely, it's too much responsibility. I just want to know if this situation is okay. I've always been pessimistic.

I think it's just one thing and God is never able to accept it, or God gets carried kicking and screaming into the infinite love singularity and impermanence and true self love wins in the end. Infinite exploration. Or it's eternal recurrence. I have no fucking clue, only time will tell.

Don't think it's as simple as that. I want to feel in control. Skateboarding, tennis, table tennis all become totally pointless and not fun if it's just watching a pov movie. I'm not just gonna sit back and watch like a feminine little bitch. Where's the fight in you young man? You don't enjoy the illusion of doership?

I'll admit I'm extremely selfish. But aren't I just an expression of God? So how can I feel at blame for this? God chose my life. Is my life the perfect one? Will it just repeat forever? I wonder if anyone ever finds out. Only time will tell. I've never enjoyed puzzles.

This just seems defeatist and unacceptable. Tell me this as a child and im not sure how that child would react. This can't be it. What about the infinite love that Leo promised me at death? What about exploring the infinite worlds like Atlas from simulation series said. But it's not up to me, it's up to whatever this is. Wholeness appearing as seperation. It's hopeless, I'm not sure if it's heaven, hell, or entirely neutral. I existentially ruminated for 2 weeks on not being able to escape from infinity, or even if I'd want to. I think of my childhood, was it worth it? Sometimes it feels like it was the most perfect movie I've ever seen, and sometimes it feels like it was a sick joke. I don't know where this is going! I'm so afraid.

And you are effortlessly it, forever. Wave upon wave. Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost.