MatteO22

What Id like to bring your attention to is that as individuals with different levels of trauma we all at a certain point May project parental qualities onto our partners and other people and that’s okay. what is more interesting though is that your attitude is rather parental (at least in this thread). Telling someone ‘oh you poor traumatised soul’... sounds like a daddy thing to say! Daddy, wink. Maybe you just wanna be everyone’s daddy and rescue them from their pain and are afraid of that truth... daddy

@ivankiss actually I kinda understand what the person who apparently got all triggered about what you said meant. I’m sure there’s no need for an angry outburst or an attempt to attack you, but I do think that you come across as condescending and dismissive of people’s experiences. I think we can all learn to be more tolerant. Not to attack, not to dismiss but just simply respect the uniqueness and differences we all embody. If you say ‘I’m judging you, so what you shouldn’t care.’ is a lesser version of saying ‘hey I hurt you and you shouldn’t care about that because if your self esteem was healthier you wouldn’t take it as personally’. What about not hurting someone in the first place and letting their self-esteem be in any shape it is - just saying, sounds much more balanced and kind my man.

Congratulations on your relationship! Maybe the fear of losing it is a proof of how deeply you care. I don’t think you need to transcend that, I think what you need to do is acknowledge it fully like ‘wow I’m scared shitless of losing her, may that liberate me from a fear or ultimately losing all that I’ve ever gained.’ When we lose it hurts, and that’s okay, it reminds us of all the gifts we’ve received. The important part is remembering and realising that when we lose, it is equally a gift to become greater versions of ourselves, and be at our best as opposed to just being our best in moments when we’ve gained what we wanted.

@StarStruck when my mom’s dad passed away a lot what she felt was relief, because my grandfather was a pretty much a dysfunctional abusive asshole his entire life who made it rather a punishing experience for others to exist in his presence. when I attended the funeral it wasn’t to be a bystander to the insane family dynamic filled with trans generational trauma; it wasn’t to be another participant in codependency and abuse, but it was to celebrate the space that was created by his passing away. While he was an abuser, the soul after death tends to look back and with complete clarity realise all the harm and denial they perpetuated while being alive, and emanate the feeling of ‘I’m so sorry for everything’. That is what I felt, almost as if he came to me telepathically apologising for everything. If you wish to honour your grandparent’s death, may it be through the words of ‘thank you for playing an essential role in healing and liberating a lineage of pain and abuse, that I was born into. After setting this intention, whether you do attend the funeral or not, you can make sure that you’re coming from a purity of heart. If you attend or not, is ultimately only important depending on which alternative helps you process all that you carry emotionally; and may the healing you commit to be the greatest act of respect to all your ancestors who came before you. You can set an intention such as ‘May the choice that supports my greatest healing be embraced as a way of healing lineages of ancestry that I was born to clear out.’ And then you just can’t go wrong

Hi there. I’m truly sorry about your struggles. If you wish to receive some words of wisdom, the only thing that’s going to work is sitting with the trauma and discomfort of it all without a need to turn away. If you perceive yourself to be ugly, it is because you have felt that others in your life have turned away from you. As a result and adaptation we start turning away from ourselves as a way of matching the behaviour that has imprinted us on the inside. So feel the pain, feel the shame, and dare not to turn away. Embrace yourself and break the cycle of shame by being the first person that dares to witness you fully, no matter how ashamed you’ve come to be of your own beauty.

I certainly wouldn’t degrade him by calling him weak or pathetic but I would make sure that you focus on what you need and want not necessarily what he seems to want out of a relationship with you It sounds like he has given his power away to you. Don’t hold onto it, give it back and choose yourself by being clear and direct about what it truly is that you want and need.

All I know is that I love it! Not because of some weird parental fetish but because as a guy it makes me feel wanted and appreciated which is a big emotional need for me. ’I want you daddy’... Darnn... makes me go wild

I’ve been reading the forum for a while and I feel a need to express myself regarding this. The idea that woman is a selector and men should be trying to be selected is rooted in a patriarchal belief that exists to perpetuate codependency and obliterate emotional boundaries for men and women equally. If you imply that a man needs to ‘prove himself’ to be selected by a woman we are perpetuating a belief of ‘I am not good enough just as I am’. Essentially your post suggests that men are less worthy of unconditional love which is a huge problem. We societally treat men (just as much as women) with a series of conditions that ultimately determine their value. We objectify men and then tell them their worth based on how useful or worthy they are in the eyes of society/women/parents/patriarchy. This in and of itself creates wounding and perpetuates emotional abandonment towards men that tends to be seen as the norm. This happens to us guys since an early age and is then perpetuated to the dating stage. It is one of the reasons why men struggle with vulnerability and emotions - because such things receive messages as not being valued. the truth is every man has infinite intrinsic value and worth, it is just a matter of how much of it is suppressed by wounding and conditioning, not how ‘selected and chosen’ they can be. If I have infinite value and worth, I am very much a selector, not someone trying to be selected. It is I who chooses my partner, not someone jumping through loops to be valued and seen for what has always been unconditionally mine. On the other hand women being the selector at the expense of being more proactive also creates a similar problem. One way of looking at it is that this creates a fear of intimacy - why? Let’s just go back to your statement ‘in a healthy relationship man is more committed than the woman’. That is a rather interesting version of ‘healthy’ you’ve got there. If the man is more committed than the woman you’re automatically suggesting that Lack of commitment is something to be celebrated in a woman. Lack of commitment stems from fear of intimacy. Fear of intimacy stems from unresolved emotional pain. Unresolved emotional pain is the barrier that creates an unsafety around the fulfilment of our emotional needs. Without complete commitment, a woman cannot be fulfilled in the relationship - because her needs will be unmet. Just as man’s would be. In a healthy partnership, both individuals are equally the choosers, and they simply choose each other day after day. Anything BUT that is a cop-out. You also imply that woman is to be in her feminine energy and man to be masculine. what if it isn’t the distinction between genders being feminine and masculine, but it is more of a question ‘how balanced is my feminine with my own masculine’ that both genders need to ask themselves. If I’m a man, healing my feminine wounding is just as much as important as embracing my masculine qualities - because if I try to be masculine at the expense of my feminine I will commit an act of self abandonment. I will make choices that are misaligned with my intuition, and disregard the sensitivity and intuitions of others. In essence I will be a cruel, potentially abusive and abrasive man. If I were a woman who embraced her feminine without fully stepping up within my masculine energy I will be perpetually waiting to be rescued, create scenarios of victimisation, I won’t be able to set effective boundaries and probably will be unable to make proper career decisions. a person who only embraces their feminine energy eventually commits to a passive life of victim hood: such feminine energy is imbalanced and toxic, and will be healed by embracing the polarity of the masculine (not by dating a masculine guy). We all have the ability to embrace feminine and masculine as an inside job. To try to be in one more than the other is unhealthy and codependent. We can thank our partners for bringing out in us more of our embodied divine masculine or feminine qualities, but we cannot get lost in the trap of ‘since I’m a feminine woman I need a masculine man to pursue me’ - why ? Because if such a man is so focused and wired towards pursuing, they will be completely unable to receive you as a partner because pursuing and receiving or truly being Present with someone are very different things.