mivafofa

I can't stand up for myself. My boundaries are weak. I can't deal with confrontation and I coward away. People punk me around when they realize I'm not gonna retaliate anyway, or more like I can't retaliate because I don't know how to on the spot (I tend to freeze, mumble something weak then get walked all over). I care too much about not hurting others at the cost myself. I lack: Displays of power Dominance Self-preservation Decisiveness Assertiveness Black & White thinking (“If you are not with us, you are against us.”) Acting immediately on what needs to be done in the here and now (urgent actions during survival) Setting clear boundaries Boldly express contentious opinions in confrontation Faculty to confront Freedom from constant guilt & shame Capacity of danger & violence Healthy sense of narcissism Ruthlessness I don't want to be a victim and wail over my feelings anymore.. I want to punch back and stand up for myself. I want "Being the Bigger Person" to be a choice, not the only option default mode. ------------- This wasn't well received in the past because some people in this forum thought they were beyond it and looked down on Stage Red. I'm hoping we can keep an open mind this time.

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2. This forum is highly misogynistic and lacks of empathy. There's a lot of aggressive pushing and stepping over. I remember when there was a thread once created to understand women and asking their experiences. When women started sharing, several men chastisized them for their experience and invalidated them because they were too caught up protecting their gender ego. The situation looked hopeless. Lack of empathy and understanding

Things I need to vent out

@Knowledge Hoarder Edit: Ok I finally read your post. Clearly you got invested in some stand alone debate. Making assumptions about me then debating these assumptions. You're so defensive and easily triggered it's almost funny to watch

This is probably the most humbling experience I've ever had.. Somehow I always thought of myself as a well-balanced normal person with a healthy functional brain but gifted, and felt proud being that. So it wasn't easy for me to acknowledge that I actually have impairment and that I'm not as functional as I believed I was. And you know what my life feels like right now? And I kid you not - I feel like Leonardo Dicaprio in the movie Shutter Island [SPOILER AHEAD] I knew I was different from the "norm" all my life. People call me hyper weird and eccentric. But I just thought I was gifted... and I always wondered what it must be like for people with diagnoses and disorders. I looked at them in a puzzled ponder, believing all this time I was normal like everyone else (just gifted). And the grand irony is while wondering what it was like, this whole time what I thought was a gift was the answer to my puzzling pondering.. [Highlight Spoiler] It's as if I go to an asylum full of crazy people. Staffs are normal folks. I'm normal too, but I'm a Marshall, so I'm technically "superior/trained" (gifted). But I wonder what those crazy people feel like from the inside though .. How do they function and think with their deformed brain..? And then later on, it's revealed I was one of them this whole time - wow jokes on me. This grand irony... A real insane person is one who truly thinks he's sane.. [End of Spoiler] And I feel like that: I'd love to hear from people knowledgeable about ADHD in this forum... EDIT: How to fight the feeling of feeling like a defect...

You have a dick and you still talk shit

Honestly I think you should just do as you personally prefer as a starter, then if your gf has different liking, you can choose to adapt. Preferences will always differ among women. There's no One style fit ALL. It's like asking what's the best food to eat if you have a gf. As long as you're well kept and hygienic.

I didn't notice.. I don't remember having issue with significant changes in expression or states... I could be wrong but no one ever point it out to me if I did. I have a classmate who has bipolar type2. She gets easily irritated in ways I don't understand... Her states and moods can vary drastically in short amount of time much to my surprise. She's a fun person but I kinda doubt I have this honestly I can't relate... and I don't get easily irritated. I get easily bored. I mean.. I didn't feel there was anything not explaining in the full picture. ADHD was self-explanatory already all my symptoms correlated. For evaluation, I'm currently on the waiting list to see the professional to get officially diagnosed. You're the 2nd person here suggesting it might be bipolar so I'll def ask.

@BipolarGrowth omg that is so wholesome!! :'( Thank you so much for your analyzation, insight, reassurance, and experience and story. this is so precious. I know it's great to have a brain different from the norm.. but when the research says it's because the left frontal lobe is underdeveloped.... I just had hard time trying to not feel like a defect, and being satisfied about being difference after all. All of sudden I remembered all these chaotic flaws that were obstructing all my life which revealed to be ADHD, and I felt limited and deficient... Edit: Where I felt gifted in life was my ability to think way outside the box (assuming the box is how NTs usually think), which always made me more daring and more creative than average people. Being very versatile as well, and having generally great proficiency in whatever I'm interested into (which is probably caused by the hyperfocus)

That's so true.. and I absolutely LOVE my connection with male friends so much when it works! (in the beginning..) Guy friends tend to be more direct, chill, laid back, non-judgmental, low-maintenance & hilarious. I feel so great around them! .. while it lasts

I seriously WISH to believe it's also possible from a male perspective to see us as friends... but I've lost just too many guy friends because they couldn't see us the same way I did. Especially having a guy best friend, it's almost impossible, always short lived. They always eventually want more or try to touch you. The only men that stayed friends long term were either gay or men already in a committed relationship.

1. While looking for a martial art school in China, I came upon Beijing Sport University which is a well known facility. I contacted them through a certain website and they offered a place for me to join with a high cost. I was so desperate to leave Henan at the time I jumped on the train. Long story short, the people I contacted were actually some kind of agent who pretended to represent the school, charged me twice as much as the real cost of the school, and in fact has NOTHING to do with the school... they were just some 3rd party scammer. This scam costed me around 5000$CAD 2. Looking for an apartment. Had to move the very same week. Urgent, low in funds (the perfect formula state of mind to get scammed). Dude pretended to be out of town, and will come in person with the key in exchange of the Answer to the Question on eTransfer. He sent a confirmation site to me where I stupidly confirmed my Answer there. This scam costed me 1400$ CAD 3. I sent 40$CAD for deposit for a bike. The girl decided to sell it to someone else, refused to give me back my 40$ then blocked me. These instances costed me money, but it especially costed a lot of stress and anxiety. No matter what was the amount, low or high, the feeling of getting cheated felt terrible.

lol I'm the same as you. I'm doing Digital arts, 2D, 3D, montage, VFX, acting, martial arts, drumming, while trying to learn piano, guitar, tricking, parkour, mandarin, japanese & dancing. I'm planning to eventually incorporate some flow painting, gymnastic and maybe some ballet..... so yeah. lol. Maybe you're ADHD like me You can choose to focus in 1 thing at a time, but if you're like me and can't wait to tackle all at the same time it's also possible. If you have the discipline you can create yourself a schedule to dedicate one day for this, one day for that. if not day, it can be hours.

Lol it's so funny because the first thing most people would assume is that I'm just about to be corrupted or permanently regressed, open some Pandora box or some shit that I cannot revert back, when truthfully this study can only make me more whole as a person. If anything, it'll finally help me understand and detect precisely what people do to me and eloquently call them out so I can protect myself better. @vizual it's the type of advice I always give to others but that I cannot manage to preach myself haha damnit.. @Tangerinedream Yes well pointed out for the lack of masculine traits. I don't see why it's "not Stage Red per se" however. Stage red, orange and yellow are known to be male driven energy. Stage Red is dominantly masculine. I created a shadow of Stage Red which involves some masculine traits. There are several masculine traits in stage Orange and some other stages as well but none of them are posing a problem at the moment like Red does. I also grew up in a Stage Red environment. You'd think it'd make me grow a pair, some claws and teeth... But instead I went aaall the other end of the spectrum. For my survival, I had to make myself small, nearly invisible and let myself be taken advantaged of. Love the parent who hurt me, empathize and forgive. It's so ingrained in me that I literally care about the wellbeing of others at the cost of myself. The more they're hurting me, the more I try give more love because I know that's what they're ultimately lacking. And people likes that cuz it benefits them. Good for them that I don't know how to retaliate or defend myself. All I know is to send love, forgiveness and compassion. People wants me to stay pure. But this doesn't benefits ME. Without thorns I can't bloom my rose. This is too passive and easy for me to do. @BlueOak Interesting.. Thank you. I'll give it a try. It's true by comfort zone I'd usually surround myself around people who I can get along, therefore I don't face confrontation. @ValiantSalvatore hum that's very thought-provoking... thanks. This seems like a challenging practice. glad to see I'm not the only one doing Stage Red shadow work @Adam M funny you mention I literally ordered some last night

@kai0 yeah I agree... I guess to learn the skill of drastic actions less thinking, is to start by taking actions lol.. Jesus f christ!! i never knew there were books about exactly that. I looked through some of them quickly, this is legit! I read the chapter titles and they're scaring me already ngl, cuz I've literally programmed myself to do the exact opposite of what it's advocating. I just bought the 48 laws of Power and The Prince by Machiavelli audiobooks as a starter. thx dude I'm both scared and feeling hopeful to tackle this

1. For a forum about consciousness, it's ironically the most egocentric forum I've came about. Nobody listens to one another. Just a bunch of people ridiculizing other people's POV, using spiritual consciousness to asserts one's superiority. Debating like monkeys. And I see myself falling into trap if I stay here too long. For a forum about high consciousness, I expected the opposite. Sometimes it feels like a zoo.

@puporing Yes I'm thinking about it and I think that's a factor I need to learn how to let go of the fear.. Of being an asshole Of being unreasonable Of being unprofessional Of stating my needs Of the consequences from speaking up

@Arje exactly.. you got it. @Nahm thx but i'm asking for Stage RED shadow work.. I think you might be skipping steps ahead. Advanced techniques without having incorporating the basics of brutal survival can be counter-productive

@Michal__ thx but I practice martial arts already... That's literally my thing. Standing up for myself is not a physical limitation but a mental block And I can't overdo smthg I don't even do in the first place

@bejapuskas Thank you so much!! Really great information, might rewatch again @flume thank you for the reference! will do

@Thought Art Thanks for the Channel!! i subscribed and will watch more of her content. I wish I was diagnosed sooner too.. @Raze Nice that looks really insightful video! I think i was exactly needing something like that

@Preety_India I see the resemblance, lots of the symptoms are comorbiditing, but I don't have constant mood swings, not even during my periods. I also don't lose control easily or have phases of delusions either. I have issue with focusing and paying attention on many things tough. And sorry I mis-explained the job part, it's not that I'm unable to hold a job - I'm able to, but I choose not to due my desire to move around. I will definitely get reassess by a professional as soon as I can though. thanks.

@bejapuskas hey bejapuskas! long time no see. I always knew I had some attention deficit, but I thought it was the same like everyone else's, so I never looked at the condition thoroughly. I took a class in acting, and coming back from holidays, I indulged myself in movies for study purpose (and relaxation) and didn't train for 3 weeks (i usually train 5x a week). My attention deficit got tremendously worse I could not listen to the teacher for the life of me. I have a classmate who was diagnosed with ADHD and when this classmate was able to pay more attention than me, I knew something was up. So I decided to look up every ADHD symptoms and read all the articles for the first time, and there it was on Wikipedia, my whole life described on the internet. and it all made sense now - My life is chaotic, I'm disorganized, horrible time management, chronically late, easily distracted, hyper, boundless amount of energy, insanely creative and versatile, impulsive, wildly outspoken. My massive sleep disorder. My inability to keep a job for too long hence why I only accepted contracts. My attention deficit yet hyperfocus on specific things that makes me overwork and restless. Recklessly keep losing or forgetting things behind even if i follow all the tips and tricks from "normal" people. Can't listen to a teacher unless I doodle or eat or do smthg. Explains why I never had patience for taichi or yoga. And I can't sit still for the life of me. It explains 99 things in my life. I'm eventually gonna get it officially diagnosed, but I just discovered it yesterday.. and the puzzle just started clicking all together now... I really can't sit still... back when I worked in an office as a digital artist, I had to buy a balloon at work to sit on so I can keep moving while working and my workmates would sometimes take pictures cuz I always ended up in ridiculous positions.