mivafofa

So I took an acting class. I was given a play to perform with a partner. Our roles were pre-assigned and I much preferred my partner's role (B). For one, it was the more fun character, the shining star of the party. But most importantly I related with the character's flaws, qualities & personality better. Nevertheless I did my best with the character (A) I was assigned with, but I still suggested to do a character swap once during practice for fun. I nailed it amazingly well. Secretly I felt like my portrayal of character B was so much more on point and more entertaining. My partner drew some notes from the way I acted her character and I from the way she acted mine. In front of class, the performance was perfectly executed. When he asked how much we related to our characters, I admitted to the instructor and classmates that in real life I am more like my partner's character B. So he offered an one-go of character swap out of curiosity, but when we performed it, somehow I was off-game. it was awkward from the first line and I completely flopped it - I was over the top. Needless to say the instructor and classmates only praised the character B performed by my partner. When he said "Ok so I think I much prefer the original casting.." I felt a surge of disappointment in myself, and overwhelming shame. At that moment I just knew the rest of my day will be met with unavoidable agonizing self-beating thoughts. I tried everything to escape it. Went to training, connected with new people, ate a good healthy meal, meditated, gave myself praises and affirmation, played chess, watched youtube videos to distract... But it was still present the whole time. This feeling of shame, the regret, the embarrassment, the missed-out opportunity, the underperformance, not living up to my standard. When I was home and alone in my room, these negative feelings hit me 10 times forth. it just went haywire I couldn't stop it. I didn't get to show anyone what I was truly capable of... But I don't want to think about it. I don't want to dwell on something so silly, unimportant, and past. What is done is done. I want to get over it. We have the do this play for 2 more weeks and I can already foresee that every practice and rehearsal is going to send me into a feat of self-beating thoughts, shame & regret that I know I will not be able to avoid... How can I let go? And why can't I let it go? It's agonizing to live with myself when my mind just loop this shame relentlessly.

@catcat69123 You are also right in every aspect. I also thought this resistance was making it worse too.. so I sat down basking in these feelings of shame and regret for a while and it was pure torture for HOURS. It could've kept going but after few hours, it was becoming ridiculous. I could sat down and whine about it for eternity and nothing would change except going through self-inflicted mental torture. I wanted to let it go, and embraced what happened. To accept things as they are and to see the positive side of the situation. That's where I want my mind to go, so I sought to escape this negativity in my mind. But you're right, maybe the first step for me is to recognize this was actually an important moment rather than trivial. How you guys are breaking down what might have happened within me is a lot of help. @catcat69123 @4201

@4201 You are right in every aspect.. I def couldn't get into the character B's fun-like emotional state with nervous emotional state I was in. But obviously I don't want to play a version of me who beat myself up and feel shame. Obviously I want to let it go. Just don't know how. This situation is such a trivial event and it's creating unnecessary and excessive torment within me.

@DManKee Not to act like a diagnose but... you really hit the marks with the AvPD. Childhood emotional neglect is known to be highly associated with the development of AvPD. "Manipulation tactics vary, however there is always a hidden agenda and goal. Those who suffer with Avoidant Personality Disorder frequently use manipulation to get their needs met." Also to reassure you, a Narcissist would never make a post like the one you did. They would never sit and question if they have it in the first place. That's the whole point of a Narcissist. They can't self-reassess and break oneself down realistically the way you did.

Sounds more like you have AvPD (Avoidant personality disorder) rather than NPD. Could you check the symptoms online and let me know if you relate to any of it. (Of course this is only speculation based on what you said here. You could simply be a normal social awkward being too. If you want to be certain, a therapist would probably diagnose you properly.)

I never understood why is the world so fixated around big sized dicks. My best experience were with smaller or average at most. The big one hurts - I can't move because I'm almost paralyzed half of time. BJs are a nightmare. No offense to those who have big ones though, but it hurts more than it feels good

Yeah no that'd make you look dumb or autistic in her eyes by displaying that you can't take a hint even when it's that obvious. Girl cancelled 3 times... that says enough. The message is clear. What's the point of confronting her? No really, what's the outcome you're hoping from that? You wanna show you have standards and self-respect? You'd do that by moving on. You tell her "k let me know when you're free." then move on. Get busy and never text back again unless she does. Standard is showed, not spoken. Also she's not your gf, you're not at the stage yet where it's welcomed to confront and call somebody out, it'd be clumsy and awkward. It'd also be futile to confront her anyway because most girls are not straightforward when they turn someone down, as they don't want to upset you or hurt you directly. (I know it hurts you more in a way because you had hope and expectations so their actions send you in chaotic confusion, but they don't know that) Instead, they hope you'd either take a hint or just move on. When you don't - it gets weird. and borderline creepy (to the girl)

Ok I guess you're pretty capable of self-awareness and I have no worries you will find a way to work it through then.. I just wanna let you know you're not alone... even as a female, I've also been needy at some point in my life. It always comes with a lack of self-worth and self-esteem as you pointed out. I had the luxury of being frequently pursued from just being female but this only added to my frustration when I couldn't feel attracted to anyone, and eventually it led to a scarcity mindset. I was in scarcity of people I find attractive - after much pain in the past, I became pickier and was resolved to only date someone I felt attracted to. And that didn't happen for nearly 2 years before I finally found someone I was into. I just wanted to see him again... I probably wanted so desperately to be loved back as well (but how could he when I didn't even love myself either right?). I was desperate, needy and too forgiving. My sense of self-worth thrown out the window. Red flags turned white. Naturally I blew it. And the pain is brutal... so brutal, as you know. (I think I was depressed too, and probably resigned myself to escape depression by using relationship as a clutch.) But in the end of the day, I learned these kinds of pain were really a blessing in disguise. Overcoming our most painful moments in life is where real signifant positive growth happens. With persistent work on the self, awareness, open-mindedness, shadow work, healing and self-love, the pain of yesterday will become your strength of tomorrow. As life throws shit at you, use it as fertilizer. After I worked on myself (practicing self-love + working on becoming someone I would fall in love with), I was showered with so much love, health and peace in relationships. The outer world will always reflect your inner world and how you view yourself. ------- Just a little last note... Rather than angry, it should've just bored you. Like "Ok whatever, if she wants me, she'd have to put on some effort at this point cuz i'll be busy looking elsewhere." You don't wanna be that guy who's already emotionally invested after only 2 dates. Nor that guy who loses his cool from a little friction down the road. Confronting her and demanding respect would just be another nice way to display your lack of self-respect, but this time combined with a lack of patience and composture lol. Self-respect works almost the same as self-love. The only people who demands respect from others are usually those who didn't brew it internally so they need and want other people to give it externally. Same with love, validation and self-worth. If you naturally respected yourself, you'd just do that, you wouldn't need to seek it or demand it. And reciprocally, people indeed would naturally respect you for that.

You have to consider everything on the table, including the fact she choked on you few hours before the date. That alone should've removed her credits for you to take futher initiatives. Did you not take notes that when she was the one asking you out, she was consequently in the position of chasing you and actively pursuing you? Where did you suddenly get the idea that switching role there was somehow gonna work lol? Here's the revelation: your neediness guided you. Women can sense early on if a guy doesn't have his shit together. If subconsciously you don't believe you're a valuable man, you're also gonna subconsciously project this vibe via texts and behaviors. Why would she screw with a guy like that? If that's your take and attitude on the matter after getting rejected, then no wonder she dropped you. I mean geez this one date is enough to put you in disarray, push you off your center and emotional stability. Now imagine she would accept a relationship with you - at any difficulty, you'd probably push all the blame onto her like you're doing now and take no accountability and responsibility. Obviously she sensed it early on from you, called it off and she did well to do so. I know it's painful. But you need to do some serious work on yourself. You have too much self-deceptions to unravel. As such: 1 - You're not acting out of love because you really like her. She was the only woman you went on 2 dates in a row so she's the only woman by default. You acted out of neediness and scarcity. Dont think for a second the women can't sense it. 2 - You think you're being "authentic" and nice when really you're being authentically needy. Recognize the difference. You want to present yourself as a valuable man. That also means you have to do the work to be valuable. Don't act valuable, be valuable. Don't act detached - be detached (by exposing yourself to other women and dates; be busy pursuing your LP). 3 - You think she wants to see you too, because she said 'how are you?' and asked you out twice, when in fact this is just projection from you. She's not interested to see you. (acknowledge she choked thrice on you). Her interest was purely to get to know you better, see how grounded you are as a man and explore your matching potential. At any signs of neediness or desperation by text alone is enough to send you home. That's how she keeps herself safe from men like you who'd wanna hurt her when they're hurt and frustrated from not getting their desired outcome. ------- Yknow I'm not your therapist I don't know where s/he's getting at - maybe s/he meant to follow your feelings in specific aspects of your life, and now you're using this as an excuse to justify being clingy in relationships. Imo it'd be ill-advised to follow your "feelings" right here, as they are clouded with neediness. What's more, your current feelings are tainted by pain cooped with self-deceptions. You even have feelings of revenge from self-inflicted pain. Can you really trust your feelings then? Knowing any answer you come up might just be another excuse to stay in homeostasis.

Definitely. Don't rape the chairs guys. Make sure you ask its consent.

My, why stop at men? Be fully enlightened and explore zoophilia~ break all boundaries. Yknow what forget living beings! The chair and the cloth hanger are all but One, and one step away from reaching enlightenment. True Nirvana. You were unconsciously denying your desire for these chairs, TV remote, door knobs and what not, didn't you know? Now you know. Be free my friend~

Just for future notes when you get with another woman, ^ I think right there was your mistake. If she choked on the last date, you probably would've been better off just chilling out from then on. As in, you have to carry the laid back attitude of 'alright well if you wanna have a 3rd date with me, you come to me. (And not me to you).' So instead of initiating the next date, you let her initiate it. And be resolved and ready to just walk away if she doesn't. After all she's the one who sorta has to make it up to you from choking last date - and you have to show that you are a valuable man, which means 'she doesn't re-initiate? Too bad for her, I'm looking elsewhere.' Which also mean you won't kiss her feet by going out of your way reaching out to her each time she turns you down. You coming back with the next date each time she cancels gives off a clingy, needy almost desperate vibe. Just chill, and let her come to you. Set a new date with another woman to get your mind off her even. She didn't turn you down cuz you were nice. She turned you down cuz you were being needy and desperate. So please take responsibility of your own feelings and actions and stop blaming women with the plan of hurting them. This incel mindset won't serve you.

Imo not so important. It's simply a nice bonus. Especially if she's already your gf. I think it's the equivalent importance for a man to have his gf being the best nuturing health cook in the room. It's a nice awesome bonus but it's not gonna be the defining factor for being a keeper. Personally, as a woman I draw the line on as long as my man is not weaker than me. I have no patience for that. Just a note out there - while being the top class in the martial art training, you're still not gonna attract women unless your focus is genuinely for your performance goals, and perhaps for your love for martial arts. If you were to try to go top class for the sake of getting girls or impress them, it's mostly gonna repel them, ironically. Plus I'm not too sure you can get top class with a distracting goal like that

I'd like to know whether it's common or not. There was one time I was convinced momentarily I was actually a man in drag, despite wearing unisex sportwear. Then another time I became some kind of gender neutral guru towards the end of the trip. Most recently I took some shroom with my man. Aside from the profound insights I was having, somehow his charms had suddenly zero effect on me. When he tried to hug me, it felt like a bro hug. When he kissed me, I felt nothing. Even his natural odor didn't appeal to me anymore. It's like I turn asexual voided of genders. It only happens during trips. When it's over, my gender and sexuality comes back. My man smells good again. It's not a problem but I'm puzzled as to Why? Does it happen to anyone else?

No one said that. No one said that. ---- Straw man fallacy post. Have fun arguing with yourself.

LOL that was my first thought when reading your first post ? "Hum.. sounds like what I and other women get on a regular basis?" One would've thought because I'm a woman I'd be less grossed out, but I'm just as disgusted as you are, each time. It's so funny 'cause here you are hoping and trying to friendzone him ? And he planning to get out of the zone with sexual harassment. Now your hope for friendship or casual buddy is forced to abruptly end with a block. ? Sry I'm laughing I actually really empathize with you! Ahahaha

Well I give up if these clear and crystal explanations from everyone and I weren't able to reach you I dont know what would. I'm gonna make some last few corrections however. Nope. I emphasized personal change as well. I literally highlighted in bold red that even I knew better and was more informed, nothing would've changed. And I explained why. I don't know how more personal it can get. You guys really think we haven't played with these thoughts long enough? What you guys imagine would help, we thought about it on day 1 already. The difference between you men arguing and us women arguing here, is that yours stays an imagination that it would help, while we were obliged to put it into practice and received the live result. Who do you think would know better I wonder. A point all of you guys should really sit on.

@Emerald You're very sharp and perceptive. Your words triggers latent knowledge within me that I couldn't put into words and understand it myself. I really value this thread because of insights like yours. And yours too @Etherial Cat @Gesundheit2 hum. You're missing my point. I don't feel like repeating.. Would you mind reading my few last paragraphs post from the previous page starting where I highlighted in red? That's my answer to your post. Just to stay on topic, we were speaking about friends and acquaintances you knew or trusted, rather than random strangers in the streets. And to clarify my point - I practice martial arts intensively, it's part of my LP. When I tell you it won't help you facing situations like that, I speak from experience.

Nobody can ever be prepared enough for a situation like sexual assaults, harassements and rape by the hand of a friend or acquaintance. Nobody. Ever. No amount of prep talks, words or martial art trainings will help you. What I think is rainbow and butterflies is saying "Be careful of some boys" and hope she'll be safe from those boys somehow. Besides what are those "some boys"? Because as mentioned it's always the ones you expect the least. Your goodie neighbor, your brother, your cousin, your best friend, your best man, your bf's best friend, your mentor. This advice helps as much as telling your kid "Careful don't get bullied!" Oh thx now you said that, I guess I won't get bullied so much somehow. Rainbows and butterflies~

It's more like yes he's clearly trying to help... but his attention, focus and advices are not directed at the right party. What people are trying to make him understand is something along the line of She got raped He raped her She should've said no He should've paid attention Don't let yourself be harassed Don't harassed. Protect your girls Educate your boys And in theory his advices are really useless in a real life context. Anyone who hasn't faced the actual situation themselves would naturally think of some handy solution to a problem without considering the 99 live-time factors when experiencing the actual scenario. It's idealism to think one could just be more aware of evil doers to prevent evil to happen.

@integral I understand what you're trying to do, you want bring awareness onto the table. To let women beware of men's natural predisposition. And to state things as they are in reality. (Ex: men are more visual than women, men have stronger sexual urges than women, etc. In this case: men have the urges to touch a women when she's vunerable.) The reason why it comes across as a rape apologist viewpoint is because you're feeding this scenario that women should fear men more than they already do if they didn't already. And that it's also the responsibility of the woman to always be in constant fear and doubt of every single man on earth, just in case. Which really discredits the real underlying issue here - the perpetrator. To tell you honestly, for the longest time and even once in a while now, I keep wishing I was educated more early on about the danger of men before having to learn it the hard way. Maybe I could've avoided half of the traumatizing events at least? But I'm quite conscious now that even if I was more educated, nothing would've changed. You cannot dictate how your survival instincts work when facing danger, especially danger that is confused with an act that is universally known to be supposedly loving and intimate, and even worst, by the hand of someone you knew and built a foundational trust beforehand. Why should my innocence or the innocence of any young girls be rectified and punished - when any of this crap could've been avoided by taking actions and spreading awareness onto these predators who cause this mess in the first place? They're the ones who have to be rectified and punished. It's almost like saying like "It takes 2 people for a rape to happen. Therefore there is responsibility from both parties". But really, it's not 2 people who caused rape or sexual harassment to happen, it's one of them. Believe me when I say I have unjustly taken more than enough responsibilities from any sexual assaults I've had, it's so much easier because it gives me the illusion I had a certain control over the matter (when I really didn't). Even the act of wishing I was more educated early on is an illusion of control I'm fooling myself with.

@MatteO22 Sorry I empathize with your situation a lot but most of it I don't really relate... No part of me sees gender identity as a prison to conform, in or out the trip. It hasn't been my reality. Gender & sexuality itself have always been a freeing part of my life. Like I told you I had the luxury to feel carelessly comfortable doing whatever felt right for me early on gender/sexuality-wise. I don't feel the trippy void of them (asexuality & agender) was an expression of freedom, but rather a detachment of it. It was also a state of being. Thx for the effort of digging with me nonetheless. It was interesting insights. Does it happen to you too?

I don't know how you all have the patience to response to this absurd stupidity... It sounds like trolling. Did you abuse and gaslight your ex that she was left traumatized and naturally called you out on it, so then you used her reaction to your abuse to call her crazy/obsessive and pathetic?

It's so funny you mention that. I never made the connection! I do get inexplicably hyper feminine and sensual the few times I was drunk. There must be a correlation... Just to be sure, are you suggesting that I mightve been too caught up rebelling and going against the grains, so much that it has ultimately also push me further from my authenticity in gender and sexuality identification? I see thx for sharing your exp.. So agender and asexual is not that common during trips after all.. No one here said they experience the same so far..

I know that very well. And that's exactly what I learned from my upbringing: not to care what my parents, then later escalated to what society, has to say about my gender. Because my parents especially my mother had so blatant misconceptions about womanhood and manhood, even the child-me could catch on. So I got unintentionally trained early on to question and defy comformity by the hand of authority. Eventually doing what feels right for me gender/sexuality-wise has become second nature. That's why the questions you asked meant nothing to me personally. I was hoping for some concrete examples to understand better, but it's fine, the more I read, the more I don't think it could be that. Although it's quite interesting still. Right, of course... it showed me many things, but the gender/sexuality stripping was not smthg it "showed" me, it was a state of being, like a constant by-product of my psychedelic trips. You think that itself is a lesson..? ?