meninojiraya

I wish I never read the bible, or tried to understand christianity. I was happy just being told as a kid what God was and praying and asking for stuff and forgetting about it later. I created so much hatred and anger towards God, Jesus and the church, I blame him for everything and just cuss at him, flip the finger at the sky sometimes. I dream screaming at him (a scream that comes from my deepest self) and just feel like an abandoned son of a hateful and psychopath God (just by looking at nature, human suffering and the abandonment I cant love such God). There is nothing that I despise more than God. It sucks the life out of me, I have no desire to get my survival stuff done and clean, my creative desires and worldly desires with this weight on my head and heart, I forget about it sometimes but it's something that I have no idea how to deal with. I say that I must go to the church or some shit like that but I have such a deep anger towards the church and Jesus (for many reasons, mostly because I don't agree with him, even if it was true, I don't like how he did things etc) At the same time, I can't get it out of my head, I'm going insane. When I have nightmares I pray the prayer I was taught as a child and say "in the Jesus name" and the nightmare gets over sometimes, it's such a cognitive dissonance and I don't know how to deal with it. I need something to hold to, like a spiritual path, because I know material stuff wont fufill this hole the size of a god inside of me, and part of me feels if I go another path, it is from the devil, and all the Leo teaching and psychodelic shit are actually really gonna fuck up my mind even more. Like the devil disguised as light. My intuition says to not play with this (I'm mostly here for the self development stuff) Anyone has had a similar experience? I just threw the bible I had in the trashcan but it makes no sense why do I have an anger towards it if I don't even know I believe it... Its crazy. I just want to be a functional human again I grew up without a father so maybe my brain is mixing stuff up... needed to get this out of my chest for some reason.

Thank you for the words. That`s really helpful, I am going to look into it.

Thank you

Thank you for the kind hearted response. I`m already doing therapy but we didn`t went deep on this topic yet. I really think there is something to do with my childhood and the void I feel for never having had a father, I appreciate your insights Cheers, friend

Yes I do see it. I will have to sleep on that. Appreciate the interaction

Makes sense, how to I get rid or integrate it? Or at least stop suffering about it and be present in life again, trusting life... I sometimes get this feeling but I return to the God in the sky who murdered Jesus to save us and we are guilty and evil kind of trip. It seems dumb when I type it but it generates so much pain inside me that I am clueless on what to do

Yest, I think its the last one. I don't like the guilt that believing in god puts on me, and the whole concept of a omniscient god just makes me really angry, I despise the idea of a "higher primate" on the sky judging everything and everyone. The God, evil, jesus and all this crap, it just messes up my mind and does not allow me to be really present and life. Just makes me nihilistic towards everything. At the same time, there seems to be a connection between me and this beliefs that I can't get rid of.

This will sound silly to many, and that Im stuck in a victim mentality, but honestly, I dont know how to gtfo of this feeling. Im a male and live in a 3rd world country with my mother (still), can't afford a house/rent here yet, I just graduated and work at a call center as a backoffice. Right now, I'm doing a mentorship to get in the field that I want, which will happen in about 6months, so I can't leave the house atm, the thing is, I have to study a lot, same as I did to get a scholarship at university, but the routine here is that my mom has to work at 2 jobs and barely stays in the house. I have to clean everything, wash dishes every day and swipe the floor and all that good stuff, take care of the dogs, cook (while working and having to study and find time to workout otherwhise i feel worse), when I get time to study, is already nighttime and Im so sleepy, it sucks. I don't know how to feel less stressed about doing the chores every day and not feel dread, anger and really annoyed about this, while doing this stuff I have only angry thoughts and thoughts Im not proud of. I feel like I still should be grateful, but I just can't, I keep comparing myself with people that have both parents and get their shit taken care of (house, cooking etc). If I could pay half of my salary to someone clean the house and cook/ do the dishes for me and only work/study. God only knows how much I would love this. How can I not feel like shit while doing this stuff? I could be studying way more and still have some time to do something fun, but right now is just 0 fucking fun and boring stuff, also it feels lonely as hell. I feel something is wrong with my mindset but im just blind to it. Also, feel free to share your routine if you have to deal with this stuff, how many times a week / hour of the day you do it. Cheers

Im open for suggestions ?

I downloaded the Sam Harris meditation app, I will see if that works, I gave up meditation since the Power Of Now, has too much spiritual / religion stuff that messes with my mind. Thanks

Yes, i thought music was making me stressed, maybe I dont have the right kind of it yet. Music with lyrics get old quickly and is just dopamine spike for me, and the ones I like i use to work. But I see your point, will try to incorporate something like this with more care thanks

Thank you for the kind words, they oddly enough resonated with me. Appreciate your time writing this and I can feel the kindness, will take it to heart. Cheers

Good response, thanks

That's a very interesting perspective that makes me want to try it, will do it. Gamifying and optimization should make things way more bearable. Thanks for the advice on the products, cheers

Thanks, I agree, if I don't do it, I feel stressed and can't properly focus on my project. I'll try to create a routine and schedule good podcasts, thanks