Cathal

Real self-forgiveness comes from truly understanding who you are, not you the 'I' but you as the witnessing essence. Not to be confused with pity, pity is what you use when you believe you can't change how you feel and cope, but forgiving yourself is simply realizing you didn't understand you were causing yourself suffering and others suffering. You see your innocence in that and the innocence of all others, even the ones who caused you the worst kinds of trauma and suffering, that your sins were errors and nothing wrong, nothing to be guilty about, not to ruminate over and 'figure it out', nothing more to it than ignorance. All things are in emotion, the stories and imagining others to be seperate and the cause of your pain is the belief we are not causing ourself suffering and therefore you never have the power to free yourself Whatever you have done 1 year or 10 years ago, makes no difference. You forgive yourself by not understanding that you didn't understand what was the right thing to do, you don't judge or hate yourself for not understanding. You bring sweetness into yourself with softening your heart that you have made hard through your acts of ignorance Only when you can see everything you and others have done to you have been error and there is no blame or wrong/evil, then you may forgive and experience that freedom through compassion. Real, authentic, true compassion is the what you want. All you are is a product of your environment, you are the product of conditioning, you have never done anything right or wrong in your life

I know what you mean when you talk about your father and your hypervigilance There is an important thing to understand here though... You cannot every heal your way out of social anxiety by being alone in your home doing work on yourself, involving yourself in life and situations where you can face your fear and realese yourself IS detachment and detachment is the healing process. The endless hyper awareness of percieved threats is because you are attuned to unpredictability (does that resonate?) I've done a lot of shit too and felt hopeless but in terms of what you wrote in my experience, that through seeing yourself truly as an innocent being you develop this deep compassion for yourself and all others including your father, and through this compassion and understanding you begin to love unconditionally and that casts out the fears in your mind that endlessly come into your awareness when interacting with people You have to try at least, put the effort in to go out sometimes and SHOW yourself, rewire your mind, create new pathways by being in the company of others and allowing yourself to vulnerable that it's like you are showing your body that ah yes, now it's safe, we can calm down now... I hope you meet the right people. If it's unbearable then the best advice would be to get involved in a group therapy where you can begin to open up and express your pain and it will feel very realesing and freeing, but this is all me projecting so yeah, don't worry about coping mechanisms and whatever just keep your eyes on going forward even if you need to cope time to time, don't give up. The healing journey is some sticky blood magic work, the love and warmth pops in during the states of agony and sadness

it's a good opportunity to learn to love things as they are simply and stop expecting people to be the way you want them to be if they don't listen, that's unfortunate for them but it shouldn't be for you

@Newborn hello there. I think you are expecting these practices to somehow translate into reality in some dysfuncational way,, god realization or self-realization practices or enlightenment itself makes no such translation. chop wood carry water before enlightenment, chop wood carry water after enlightenment the issue is that you are not doing inner work, only practice. learning to adapt to people and society is some serious hard work, confronting belief systems and understanding your emotional core you developed as a child -your inner child- your conditioning, your attachments to what you like and dislike so on basically truly transforming your experience of the character while also being the witness is your whole effort. this homeless fear is being created because you never built integrity inside of yourself and you don't trust yourself to do what has to be done what do you think you need to feel in order to begin to build a life for yourself that is more fulfilling?

We are all unconsciously/consciously trying to return to our non-dual essence which is what we all inherently are, free of inner conflict, we are trying to find ourselves. 99% of people you observe are trying to find it in some'thing' - person, object, thought, belief - you can just see it raw and gross and it's beautiful in some ways and you can respect the journey everyone is on and find admiration for all the different ways it is expressed And even in suicide, utter depression, utter agony, you are still looking. You think suicide will return you to a place where you will not suffer. It is just so beautiful it really is. You find such a joy in seeing it and seeing the suffering is always just us trying to find ourselves, merge with who truly are under the layers of what we created, no seperation, no exclusion. It's just the most perfect game - and until you truly confront consciously the obstacles within you will have this restless seeking energy inside of you that nothing, no practice, no one experience, no drug, no person/thing will free you from You will eventually see surrendering to this seeker within is dropping all the acts of ignorance, willing to truly leave decade old patterns, habits, hobbies, beliefs, people, family - all your attachments binding you in seperateness. There is 'knower' that always knows what is good and bad for you and how to return you, the father is within you, you are already the guru, you are the buddha, you are everyone you imagine in your mind to be seperate from you, when you start to be radically confrontational with yourself and facing deep rooted fears There only leaves a compassion within, as you the creator see your creation suffering trying to find what is. Love emerges through giving, give your love to be free.

i will say a lot of people don't understand verbal abuse is identical to physical abuse in many many ways. i got both but looking back, the verbal abuse was more traumatizing as a kid. i guess what i would say to you is this is about going into your inner child, the part of you still holding onto the wounds. it's good to understand things and gain knowledge but i think when it comes to what you are dealing with truly expressing and talking out loud with someone else will be incredibly healing. journaling, writing a letter to your inner child, reflecting on a picture of you as a child, and giving yourself true compassion for having gone through what you did. so many things to do for yourself, but with another person where you can actually feel connection and trust with, the part of you that needs to come out will find its expression. so good luck with that @John Paul

@hamedsf that's just the truth. man i have been exactly in your spot, absolutely fucking dead inside to the point i wondered if i was alive, just barely living off a drip of nicotine, weed, trash food and so on, alls i can say is... this is just a core part of your journey and you have to go through this to be in a spot in life where you can begin to fulfill yourself with truly enriching things friends, relationships, adventure, purpose, giving etc because that's the real challenge the grasp of things won't feel so high on the pedestal, pleasure won't be eating at you all the time. good luck m8 you are definitely not alone and feel free to pm me if you feel very stuck

@Preety_India man you r really quite a wonderful person. i do understand what you mean, but only this thought comes up because i think you believe you can't escape. theres a lot to write but all im going to say to you is the only thing to do is put the energy and focus on leaving your house. if that means joining a commune, a tribe, a volunteering camp etc etc then fuck it! i did it once and it was the most valuable experience i ever had. the greatest adventure is yet to come for you ?

@Insane butterfly looks like the high level armor of a video game magic wizard 4 realz

I was watching a vice video about 'The Controversial Guru who wants to upgrade civilization' and little did I realize that this guy actually knows his shit and has been giving talks since he was like 19 that are unusually insightful for someone so young, I think he just turned 30. I have found his videos so fucking useful for anyone looking to understand spirituality from an easier to understand pov

@Ones

@PepperBlossoms that feeling of unworthiness is in most of us, but how we all rationalize and identify and create the self around it can differ but generally you can see yourself in many people as you point out this unworthiness conditioning within yourself do you feel uncomfortable when someone listens to you? do you struggle being solid and structured in yourself or do you always have this need within for peoples approval and assurance? it's important to really understand this so you can begin to realign with being active towards your vision and not let it determine your actions and condense yourself into a small self

everyone has always a motive but that doesn't mean they want to harm you or something, although harm may be a consequence you just understand yourself to such a degree you can see it within everyone else without thought, you just know, a lack of integrity causes instability doubt and unhealthy validation seeking in yourself and you lack that inner knowing clarity/intuition that knows what is best for you

i did actually try when i saw no other solutions to my suffering but then i saw what i was missing out on and i was like yeah now i see why i wanted to kill myself, suffering is just confusion. i think what we're looking for is stillness and that requires truly beginning to understand what is the noise in your mind trying to show you. when you can truly feel that stillness through being these questions don't make sense anymore

I remember dealing with that when I was like 15 - I was a target for being bullied and deleted social media and hide my face, worried someone will 'find me' and ridicule me again, see it's just a belief system about myself from being identified with my body, the belief system is how i rationalized being ridiculed and to put it simply by showing my face and embracing whatever happened that fear began to dissolve and i no longer gave a shit and even began making videos realizing no one gives a shit about you is humbling and freeing

@Ones you are trapped in your patterns of behaviour and belief systems about yourself and it's suffocated you into a tiny little prison like you're a mouse in a cage in an open field - if you truly understood your emotions you wouldn't write this post fundamentally it is repression causing you to feel numb, that means dealing with meeting needs and detaching from belief systems and that's all, nothing will fix it except exploring that repressed part of you which requires you to really commit to trying to understand yourself without judgment. just as it is, as society is, as your family is, they're all inside of you and you're trying to free yourself of that cancerous shit you can pm me if you wanna talk about your life

@DManKee thanks <3 and you too, it will happen. i would reframe it as rumi says, not seeking any special state rather removing the obstacles between you and love

i am genuinely curious why you want to mix the two @AlterEgo any summary of a trip report for an experience like that?

the day after my suicide attempt i remember walking outside and had this 'feeling like everything has been right here all along', that was my first clue but i don't know if that was an awakening - it wasn't some intense realization more like an old seed in my mind sprouted when i was trying to make sense of what i was experiencing like i had been torturing myself for so long and finally tried to 'solve' it but it didn't really work and i just gave up in some sense and it happened

i understand the lust to transform yourself when you get a glimpse of the ultimate but always begin with financial freedom. that must be your bedrock, otherwise things can become delusional and you may find yourself in very tricky situations that's all i have to say good luck bro <3

man i just made a video on that today https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjqD40aHohs&ab_channel=cathal and have been really trying to understand it. basically you need to create integrity and apply what you know by putting your foot down and saying, no, not today, i'm not doing that, that's bad for me you don't vanish belief systems by doing one major thing but it's applying consistent effort to do the thing that is good for you that you built trust and confidence that your inner child can rely on your decisions instead of relying on the same stupid shit it did 20 years ago. - you are driven by a dysfunctional emotional core but you do have the power to reshape that integrity and consistent work

it's true, nothing has meaning in any kind of subjective sense we give it. except that's a perception, if you truly realized what life is about by seeing through the eyes of the creator inside you would never ask such a question. you are making too many conclusions from your perception of ignorance, explore more deeply the depths of what you are - that's what this forum is for

i left when i was 21, to a country that i didn't speak the language and i had no friends lmao whatever reality is, it wants you to evolve to your potential. nothing about patterns is striving towards potential and no matter what happened to me i found nothing really ever goes as bad as you predict it, there are times to chill and enjoy and relax into what you created for yourself and there's times to create something for yourself

@puporing hey how do you go about dream interpretation? my dreams are very wild but the essence of them are repeating themselves endlessly and it's very hard to grasp it. i just can't get it lol, but for sure it's something important - during my childhood and the friends I had

@Someone here i wonder what something like trauma realese exercise would do you for you if it's happening at home. perhaps some deep breathing/shamanic breathing too