Cathal

This is really relatable especially because a guy I sometimes talk to recommended that book and recently I had really implemented it two times, really glued myself to a subtle emotion to the point in came in waves of grief and eventually dissipated into a very peaceful warmth. It does kind of throw everything into the haze. Time by so painfully slow, there is no consistent enjoyment hence the passing of time is so noticable I genuinely feel at 24 years old I have been here for way too long because I have been dissociated for like 6 years now. It's my baseline I guess surviving the onslaught of traumas. You start craving emotions, anything to work with. Give me perverted shame, give me primal rage, give me fucking empathy towards videos of cats on youtube. But I guess you also learn that whatever comes up is what you're ready to process and the expectations really take away the things you want a point. I'm hopeful though that I could actually change although my suicidal ideation remains the pull of it is less it just kind of lingers in the backround, I have also very recently only realized what spirituality was. Within 5 months I was able to do quite a bit and had some genuine glimpses being fully present in my body. I have been pretty hardcore ever since I did psychedelics, before that my life was isolate>survive> play with hedonism. I think it's so fucking important to have a therapist, the mirror has helped me so much more than I thought. A lot of inner child work for me really pulls me out of the dissociation for a bit. There is so much pain in my body that now that I built trust with my therapist it surfaces up so fast, wish I could talk to her more than once a month. I also think the feeling guilty when expectating yourself to 'feel' is very important to be aware of. When you're dissociated, you cannot feel empathy. So when you're expectating yourself to be the person you were prior to dissociating you still haven't fully accepted this is what you're experiencing right now and prob just makes u feel shittier. Are you hypervigilant? Going to write to you practically what has helped me in the last 5 months since I started to intentionally love myself (the positive stuff that works). Holotropic breathing (if not your thing) Wim hoff method 3 rounds in a row does it Metta Meditation + ofc just meditation Running on the spot till I cant move Cold exposure Yoga...? When I actually follow a real hatha yoga instructor it works Talk therapy Social interaction during the 'glimpses' where your heart is open more can be quite intergrating. Ultimately doing psychedelics has shown me this dissociation is just like another wall of protection, it's not like a deep loss of body or mind where you're floating around like a ghost but it's simply a more intense state of protecting what you're identified with. If I could change anything or recommend something is change your environment and who you surround yourself with (if anyone, when possible) with non triggering folk. Can't rush it, take it easy but keep taking it as it presents itself. It sucks but... those glimpses are so sweet can you imagine how much ecstacy is waiting for you?

hey I need some advice. I want to clean up and find a stable diet that really benefits my body and mind as best I can get it and aids my current issues and with more context to this post, the aid of herbs/medicine or supplements because I have a bad knowledge of it all, I take 0 drugs anymore just a multivitiman. I'd appreciate it. I eat one hour a day in the morning, to keep it simple I eat like vegans do. I deal with quite a bit of energy lethargy, emotional disconnection, dissociation and possible endocrine system damage from a cocktail of prescription drugs when I was younger. I would describe my day to day state of being in 'freeze' from the abuse and intense anxiety I went through, calming relaxing stuff I enjoy it makes it much easier to explore myself like meditation and helps me with going into therapy, like feeling safe? I think i'm a kapha-pitta-vata (kapha and pitta are almost the same) dosha in ayurveda, I fuckin cannot really wrap my head around that system but if that helps ya...

@Nahm Hi thanks for the offer of help. Yeah I was just looking at people link people making sausages or some shit and didn't know what my post turned into, but I wanted to ask you about nootropics. Was anything actually helpful? I have been concerned about my nervous system and my body not producing certain hormones from maybe my thyroids or something in the endocrine system, I don't know really. I just have a gut feeling about it from everything I read and my life and drug use. Do you know anything about that stuff or would any nootropics help? I never really tried nootropics because I really got sick of tolerance, actually with most drugs. I drink caffeine and a multi-vit btw, spices like tumeric + neem, ginger Thanks

I'm basically stuck at the top. I've been experiencing 4 as my baseline for a few years. Chronic percieved danger numbed me out to the point of suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. Became a big hedonistic bastard to cope with that, definitely had some effects on me physiologically. (full body tremors, constant shaking) Psychedelics and sometimes meditation pulls me into the present moment. I feel alive, I feel the warmth of the sun and the sound of birds, feeling of the wind and beauty of music. There is a lot of pain in never letting go of anything, it was the vow I took as a kid to never express myself eg. I wouldn't be like my father who was a kind of bipolar tyrant. But my understanding has developed so much since then obviously and now I'm kind of taking care of myself, but this dissociation stuff is life destroying. Example: hypervigilance, (I was bullied a lot in school, that was... 7 years ago) and I still experience this kind of state where my awareness gets aroused so intensly I get pulled from threat to threat to threat when I see other people around, cars, noises, it shuts down my ability to connect and keeps me numbed out and tensed up EVERYWHERE i go. fucking torture bruv I mean it has sucked the life out of me literally. I've been trying to find out how to feel grounded in the present more. I've done just about everything I've researched, mindfullness, somatic experiencing, breathwork, meditation, changing diet. It feels a bit like a disability truly now. Does anyone have any advice on coming out of this state? Day-to-day it's just surviving and not living. I really want to change.

@Thought Art yeah i found one. shes a very spiritual person with a really interesting story and really actually nice to talk too. but her actions (breaks, constant schedule changing, hanging out with her friends and cancelling our appoinment and shit like that) idk maybe it's the part of me not wanting to trust someone but also sometimes pull this sceptic out of me making it hard to trust. but yeah, i don't think there's anyone who couldn't use a therapist (could be a friend/family if u have that) having a truly trustworthy mirror reveals a lot of very buried stuff

i really feel like it's a simple case of exposing myself to a new environment/experiences, but i just cannot find this environment that i feel safe to fully shake the demon in me. well.. enough to express myself and to make my messed up identity realize there is no more danger, and it's safe to experience the present. but i really need that support and i can admit that, it just does not work by yourself, it's like a whole part of my brain turns on in a social environment that i really need to be in, i donno if anyone knows communities that do weekly mental health video calls honestly i can't find a single one on discord. i'm gonna just make my own at this point what i feel like people who are experiencing this freeze state or dissociation from the present moment is some kind of exposure. because the response is isolation, and i am in isolation right now doing 'healing work' but this is also healing and i just really need to fucking recgonize i have to put myself in a social situation that it feels actually safe. the thought of just walking around shoots my anxiety through the roof, i mean this attachment comes from a deep root of being picked on by 20+ people in a small town growing up mostly. if anyone does know any communities like this or discords or zoom /whatever feel free to reply, thankz

@Wilhelm44 yeah also a strange situation i'm in i literally live in a town by myself where i don't know anyone and don't speak the language of this country x d but i've been looking online. it's difficult to find that group of people for sure, i still haven't

@Wilhelm44 Quite a bit since my mushroom trip. Before that I was cutting, spending all day on video games + drugs and basically locked myself in isolation. Self-love is very difficult, I find it really quite hard to apply to myself. Feels like a lot of empty words, the intention is always sincere though. Meditation, yoga, sometimes I journal, eat pretty good, trying to learn art. I'm just so incompetant on how to be a human being, I'm 24 and learning how to talk to people, I actually have intense anxiety that I don't fully realize. I've only been taking is more serious for a few months at this point, this dissociation thing is really crippling tho cause i really don't understand what to do about it. But yeah, I can acknowledge I have taken some steps at least, still I would like more progress. I can accept this present moment but I know I can do more. Thanks for the suggestion i'll try that visualization stuff. You're right I have quite a few of that identity to being a victim. It's difficult to truly let go of that stuff, kinda shaped my whole life

Hey could you comment your favourite resources eg. person/book for working on your inner child? thanks

@Loving Radiance thanks!

@_Archangel_ or just reply with the name of the book

can someone reply with the name of the book everyone is talking about? i'm new here. thank you

I'm pretty new to all of this. But basically; Guided meditations are so easy to follow along and enter states I really can appreciate, but when I do it alone it's the lesser that I can get into those states that are so easy when guided and as to why it's the nuerosis that is pretty intense when I attempt it myself, I do try to let it float by but I have a lot of attachments that are basically a knee jerk reaction that pulls me almost every few seconds away from my object. This can happen for 40+ minutes. Is this something that will fade with practice? I am worried I may build a reliance on guided meditations. Thanks

I'm beginning to see my deep-rooted attachments and the pain attached to them. The inability to feel compassion towards myself, the insecurities, the lack of confidence, depression, helplessness etc and also the stories. The thing is tho, how do you guys 'heal' or go about resolving all of this undigested emotion and lack of compassion? For the life of me I am stuck in this intense hypervigilance lack of feeling safe dissociated state where when I try to 'heal' or attend to them, nothing really happens. They're just words for walls of resistance I guess but it's like trumps titanium mexican border, it's so incredibly difficult to do sober sometimes the despair and feeling helpless to help myself consumes me. Psychedelics work like a charm in dissolving the resistance and I can easily touch the trauma at its root but my experience has been I cannot intergrate post-cathartic feelings of healing afterwards as time goes by, (does anyone have an opinion why or do you agree psychedelics aren't a good tool to heal for day to day life beyond the trip?) I also have a therapist now but tbh I feel like she is not that useful so far. Maybe I just don't trust her yet, I definitely have trust issues but I also have no idea how to tell if she's a good therapist or not. It's like I can intellectually understand what I need to do, I do it and it's like not much changes. I struggle with the 'what should I do to heal myself?' I never really get any breakthroughs or any satisfying level of wow I really let go of that thing. I get quite frustrated because I'm kinda just at the point of I don't give a shit about anything else except helping myself, I don't even have many addictions anymore, I just surrender to the suffering and let it fuck me in the @ss

@Michael569 Yeah I mean in the space of about an hour I eat 1500-2000 calories or something like that each morning, I know that's kinda weird. I just got into the habit of it, yeah it's a vegan diet. Basically I kind of withdrew from everything to give time to go into healing and helping myself, I have all the time in the world. I sleep pretty good, do a good yoga session each day, and I get work done. I have done a lot of drugs, cigs, weed, alcohol, benzodiapines, codeine, anti-psychotics, mood-stabalizers, SSRIs, SNRIs, a big cocktail of desperation which could have possibly fucked with my hormones. But when I did mushrooms a few months ago I just quit everything in a week, I'm just kind of sitting on the chair with unbearable suffering at the moment. No but then again I haven't been to a doctor in a long time. My goal is to get in touch with my emotions and my feminine side, my ability to feel compassion towards myself so I can start the forgiveness process which I can see is a really really important thing I must do to let go. But rn I cannot feel a thing, so I would ultimately like to achieve feeling relaxed safe and to cultivate compassion and loving feelings, so I'm not really sure to what degree a certain diet and the use of herbs or whatever could help that because I really don't have an understanding of use of herbs/nootropics/drugs to help with what I just described and if it can help transform me.

i'm dealing with a lot of suppressed emotions from my past - especially anger. when it arises, do i physically do something like smash my pillow to death or something or do i just let the anger flow all of my body and stick with it till it's gone?

@Roy thanks this is really helpful, it reminds me of that letting go book by david r. hawkins, it is really difficult not to punch something or rip something apart though jesus, i have a ton of suppressed anger from being raised the way i was so i don't know how to deal with it. not in the way The Emperor wants

yeah i have a lot of trouble finding ways to express myself through something like art, dancing. i really don't have much capacity to enjoy anything right now but you reminded me of the importance of looking for an outlet for myself, thanks

when you're developing more self awareness and being mindful, do you ever notice when you're not being mindful your face and body are enacting the thoughts that are in your mind? i'm sure this has to a big degree my social isolation at this point because it doesn't happen irl god forbid people see me fucking randomly laughing and frowning outta nowhere but it's really weird when you're just walking around completely unaware and suddenly you realize you're whispering to yourself, your body is moving, you're laughing and only a few seconds after you see yourself actually doing it and you're like what the fuck? is this just a consequence of not being disciplined? i feel like it has become far worse than it was before. a part of me feels like this is a lack of social communication/many unmet needs with other people so my ego is just becoming more intrusive and more neurotic. what do you think?

I have this kind of energy just throbbing in my head, the moment I intend to meditate and focus on my breathe my awareness is immediatly pulled towards this pulsating neutral kind of sensation that feels like thick liquid swarming around in my skull. I feel like.. I actually cannot MEDITATE because it's like this thing traps my awareness or something. I'm currently dealing with my dissociation from my body/emotional body it feels like when I try to go into my body it gets trapped in this weird fucking energy. Sometimes i'll get out, but it's almost like a gamble that I get into a meditative state. It throbs on where you guys call your 3rd eye, if I put my awareness on it I can move it to my crown. But I cannot move it downwards.

it sometimes breathes, like feels like its opening up breathing wider and wider. doesn't really dissipate or anything, just breathes.. almost like a very gentle heartbeat in your head that expands and contracts, has nothing to do with your own flow of breathing either

As much as research and understanding I could put into this I feel entirely detached from my emotional body from neglecting it for years and basically feel like my awareness is locked into a small tiny box tortured by trauma unable to connect to my surroundings/people/feel any form of love. It's pretty relentless and I tried kms several times till I did mushrooms and here I am working on it best I can. I am trying to do completion process and shadow work or whatever I can to feel some of those emotions and let go of them and basically all 'emotions'/sensations are in my skull, literally, confined weird pulsating swirling around my head pressure like there's some thick hard liquid getting moved around but generally it's stuck to my forehead between my eyebrows, it's just a neutral feeling and it never shifts or changes. I don't really know what that is or what approach I can take, thanks 4 reading.

do u have the original art for that?

i can't find a video to talk about the inability to feel emotions perhaps there is one?

Hi there I just made an account here. So for many years I had been trying to figure out these many feelings of deep emptiness, loneliness and overall feeling hollow as a rotted tree. Aside the story of my life I think it all comes down to the inability to feel love for myself and ignoring my trauma and the way my brain wired to deal with my family, in pretty much any type of meditation practice I can bring my awareness to my chest and there's always a discomfort and sometimes frustration that no matter how much I just let it be or accept it it's just there and I feel locked in a prison that I cannot experience or connect to the world around me. Jesus after my first mushroom trip I remember going outside and feeling apart of the world I was just overwhelmed with joy and it truly felt like I was real, I remember streching so much and enjoying just running around like a maniac cause it felt so good to feel like I have a body and not just this detached mind that floats, it felt the same way it did when I was a kid or something. I tried to kill myself a little before that experience and I think without that experience I would definitely just said fuck it, I tried to kms passively and 4 times actively in the last 3 years, all I have left is giant scars on my forearm and neck. I'm wondering what do you guys think about dealing with depression or whatever it is i'm feeling with medication? I had tried it before, it sent me to the manic moon and that comedown after the high was something words cannot even describe, it's so blurry but I didn't shower in 4 months and was stopped by police because I was so filthy when leaving the house for food. It scares the shit out of me that would happen again but I think the awareness I have now with not being far less identified to the ego and having the awareness of letting thoughts go and not being attached to fleeting emotions I might be able to avoid returning into another 'episode' but really I don't know to what degree it truly is helping me resolve the roots of my self and not just making me high, Right now i'm trying to search for therapists and taking actions like that but I also would like if anyone could comment on anything you found to work for you and if you think it could for me. I don't think i'm that different, I just isolated myself to protect me from the really bad experiences I had growing up but in doing so I created so much suffering for myself, I have no family I can relate to and I have absolutely not a single human being I speak too anymore. The psychedelic experience shows me each time when my self is dissolved I want to do nothing else but help others, the moment it comes back all I want to do is jump off a building. Thanks 4 reading