Cathal

it's good your noticing this now. it's good you're seeing how full of shit you are, how you manipulate people and so on even look at it very logically - you are showcasing to other people a person who is not truly you. you are hoping they like this person you are pretending to be on the belief system that will finally satisfy the need to feel fulfilled and accepted - BUT IT NEVER WORKS. why? because only being accepted uncondtionally as the AUTHENTIC YOU will you actually feel that acceptance and security, that freedom to never have to hesistate and fully be you. because that is truly what you want here, but why is it so hard? like you already pointed out, vunerability. there is just a fear with an underlying belief system that you will once again experience that same hurt you did in the past that caused you to hide yourself. to be ashamed of yourself. to hate yourself, to feel unworthy, not worth love, not worth a good life but you want a good life, a life of joy. therefore the only sense of this you can make is BE AUTHENTIC. ALWAYS. FOREVER. THAT is all you can do. and realize there is literally nothing you other than yourself y ou can be, you have nothing to give anyone. you cannot be more than what you are and that has been and always was the case, but now the beliefs that you lack something or you need to be better or have more things caused you all this desire fueled by the feeling of lack. radical acceptance, fully surrender to your vunerability, allowing yourself to be vunerable and open and be understanding. you will transform, you will find stability and groundedness, a beautiful masculinity and feminity in your presence. only if you allow it, because it is always present and never has to be saught after

well it's just about radical acceptance and awareness. you know you are not this body yet you experience so much attachment to it, it is just a process of surrendering into the feeling to all that unpleasentness (not being beautiful enough, strong, muscular) and letting it go properly by not getting identified with the thoughts of 'improving, changing, becoming more'. you just let it be. all that shit is in your head because somehow in the past you have developed beliefs that you are not worth to be loved the way you are, the great sickness. i had them since i was 6 lol

what do you think you need to get out of this rut? very simply, what do you need to do if you can come up with something, why can't you do that?

hey, try signing up here https://youarerad.org/therapy you can apply in a few days when they reopen

focus on finding out who you are, the purpose will come. until then it's all just roads created by thought and attachment to motivation, arises and passes. that's not purpose

if you truly cared about animals you would see the best way to help them is to devote yourself to raising the consciousness of humanity

it's just an indication what you're doing is not working, so keep looking. that is suffering, something is communicating to you that what you are doing is not the way you will find the way

whos worried about being a weirdo?

just my thoughts but if you can come up with the thought i can never attain my life purpose that is not your life purpose

damn 1 month ago? i really don't understand how you are still feeling it but here's what i'm seeing in my eyes; i think i understand what you're saying but help me, you are both saying you feel free yet you fear returning back to the 'slavery' of what you were experiencing before you tripped out? that in itself sounds too delusional and perhaps your reckless behaviour is to try to 'lock' in that sense of boundarylessness the psychedelic experience offers, that you fear to become grounded so to say because then you will return to reality. when i started doing them i also went through that, for the first time i had experienced tremendous freedom i done the most crazy shit you can imagine and ended up kinda homeless almost on the borders of africa and flew to germany lmfao but the thing is man, you will return. psychedelics won't transform you, they are just presenting you with who you are before you created who you are not so you can see the possibilities to change, that life can be anything you want it to be. you will only truly transform once you begin to do the right work on yourself while being where you are ment to be at and stop running away from yourself with drugs, it's just you here. it's always been you vs you - if you feel unable to help yourself you can begin reaching out for help, people will help you here

good luck <3

first psychedelic trip is 5meo?

not prioritizing human compassion is slower progress for the animals. humans are the priority here, now.

how recently was your trip?

i think that you're trying to find the source of your anxiety and remove it so you can not deal with going out of your comfort zone. that will never work i'm afraid - would recommend letting go: pathway of surrender so you can develop the right understanding first in terms of how to deal with intense feeling. you're too attached to anxiety now because of your past actions with avoiding it, it builds up and feels like a demon to handle. the only way out is to fully embrace it, surrender to it and take right action despite it. you will see it dissolve if you can fully accept and allow yourself to feel it, there is no other option

what exactly is the difficult things that spike your anxiety? and also, what did you figure out in the past that you thought was the origin of it?

thats just the beginning

hey, you don't have to try to be compassionate and you don't have to try to forgive. don't abuse yourself like that, i would also write if you can see what i'm saying clearly, there is such an oppurtunity here. although i don't understand what the struggle is in your situation mentally, i can definitely project myself in this story and feel the disgust of it all. i have no idea what you should actually do, but maybe to reflect on for your mental health the thing is you just understand them -but not intellectually- because the problem is all of these feelings you're experiencing, they feel toxic. it feels like you are soaking up peoples behaviours, but who is the one experiencing that? are you absolutely sure what you feel is being caused totally by your parents actions? now ofc, that doesn't mean you don't do anything. but you just do what you think needs to be done, without judging them. that knowing is the right thing to do, because the moment you act from your judgments you lost, you caused yourself suffering and your parents. but maybe a part of you wants them to suffer more, or perhaps this part of you that has these feelings towards is also you? can you see how if you act from that desire to get revenge, to get a one up, to want to punish them, to hurt them is really truly just hurting you? but the pleasure is quite sweet lets be honest, from hurting the people that fucked up us.. but it is not the way you will find your freedom and forgiveness you truly desire. because the part of you that protects yourself and the part of you that knows he's just another fucked up human being is important. here you have a great oppurtunity to surrender your emotions, your self-image, your idea of who you are, your sense of being seperate to the knowing that allows you to act in a way that seems to contradict how you feel. TO KNOW that is not you, those emotions are not the truth, that resistance is not truth - if you can act from what you know is the right thing to do, is the path to compassion and i can say, that is the way out and the liberation you really truly want. not the pleasure from judging/comparing and acting on those. good luck with whatever you do, protect your sisters <3

a suicide attempt, an awakening, a 7 month dark night of pure agony and ending with a soft loving mindblowing change of experience and looking forward to 2022 to see how deep this really goes have a good 1 m8s

@EugeneTheSage you always have the will. you're just choosing to avoid feeling the negative feelings that are the obstacle to the things you want. true you may have entangeled yourself with drugs/food/games/having no friends or whatever, but you have to begin sometime. to stop avoiding negativity and start accepting it and letting yourself feel it, taking action despite how you feel is the only way to change yourself. deep down you know exactly what you want, but things arise. unpleasent things you avoid, that you identify to be true and get lost in them if you wait around for the 'right' feelings like motivation or pleasentness, you might be on your deathbed till you take the right step

^ what are your dreams? why do you dream of those things? courage is the conscious choice of using will to surrender to whatever arises (knowing it is not you and the source of your suffering) and no longer identify with the things you have attached yourself to, whatever comes up just is. you realized the futility in trying to do anything with what is other than let it go through completely surrendering to it. it is the actual dissolving of attachment it is necessary to pull yourself out the grave, how else but courage? to truly surrender to the fears/shame/dislikes/depression/sadness/anger is a lot of courage, the gateway into reward sure, it's not really reward like you will get a cookie but you will for sure feel what it is like to let go of heavy stuff, when you do it you will see how free you feel. letting go - david r hawkins, good book

when you have time, not working and without 'doing' anything - thinking, going somewhere, distraction, prior to the compulsion, not trying to meditate, not with anyone, how do you feel?

who is trying to fix who?