Illusory Self

True, I think there is a different between actually practicing & not doing anything though. Whenever I am around my family members, I kind of just give up most of the time & don't make an effort to do anything.

A part me thinks it is part of unresolved past trauma and repressed emotion & the only way to free myself is to deal with that first or maybe it is from years of being in isolation just being with my own thoughts, not expressing myself

Lately, I have been struggling massively with text game. I feel like I don't know 'how to respond' whenever I get a message from a women so I typically just leave it. I will get a lot of matches online, sometimes phone numbers. I will usually take a while to respond or the conversation will stale out. I have this fear of setting the wrong frame when it comes to interacting with women. It can be quite easy to do that over text. I have been thinking about doing mechanical techniques/same text routines but I would rather develop a more natural style of game. I do sometimes tend to use some of the same lines to start a convo just because I know they work, but that is just me relying on lines for good game. I don't want to be that person who only relies on having a 'specific' set of lines to text women to set up dates. That feels way to mechanical for me. I feel like I know the general concepts of good text game interactions from watching youtube videos, but women's responses vary so differently. It's so tricky because women think one thing & say another thing, they expect you to read between the lines & move things forward. I will sometimes just look at the conversation for 10-20 minutes not knowing what to say, I will even think about it when I am doing my daily chores. How do I respond to this situation? I notice my mind tends to want to respond to how she texts me, giving her some kind of logical answer to the response simply based on just having a 'blank mind' Instead of having a game plan in my own mind on how I need to move this interaction forward. It hurts my mind having to think about keeping the same level of investment, vibing, flirting, moving the conversation forward. I will always ask myself 'what is the most optimal response' to this situation I am which typically leaves me in analysis paralysis.

Been getting some good results online as of late but seem to be blowing a lot of dates into the ground. Are there any resources one can share for how to run a successful date? Here are the things that I have noticed that I have been doing wrong. Don't know when it is the right time to escalate Cannot seem to flirt/steer the conversation in any direction Some dates I sit opposite the girl, makes it very hard to escalate Very boring, platonic interview style talk questions - afraid of saying the wrong thing Do not lead enough On some dates at the end I seem to get a huge variety of worthless thoughts in my head that I am not good enough for any woman (especially towards the end, sometimes I will even blow myself out & leave early to reinforce the idea) Women shows clear signs of attraction to me during the majority of the date but still afraid of pushing boundaries (huge fear of rejection I think) Having no idea on how to close back to mine The women seems to be leading the conversation into whatever she is wanting to talk about & I have a blank mind not knowing what to say I think the main 2 that I am failing on is the not leading the conversation in the right direction, towards fun & flirty topics. Scared of escalation & feel like "all eyes are on me". I put way to much pressure on myself. I don't even seem to enjoy having a conversation with the women. Whenever she is talking, I am thinking of what to say next when there is a silence. Way to stuck in my head. I have a very hard time letting loose & having fun, it makes even harder since I am not drinking any alcohol.

I told myself "this year I really want to get good with women & socialization". I joined all the online dating sites, going out to nightclubs 2x a week to practice (barely did any approaches). I did manage to sleep with a few women suprisingly considering my social skills are atrocious. I did get lucky with the genetic lottery though. I do HATE going to nightclubs so much, I find it terrifyingly toxic & not fun (especially when one is such a deep introvert). I want to get good at this area of my life as it feels horrible sleeping with women & having them reject you after. It just makes me feel like I display this loser persona. It makes me not want to partake in the social domain of life, everyone seems to be playing these games on how they want to be perceived by others. I question this further to the point where I don't know what my own persona is. How do I respond in certain situations? What shall I say? Who am I? It feels like a real head mess because I want myself to be a highly social person, likeable, charasmatic but at the same time it all feels so fake. How do I forge my own character? I feel like a blank slate, not knowing who I am. This happens in every single interaction I have. A lot of the times when someone says something to me, my mind will just naturally be blank & I am like 'what shall I say' or 'how do I cohere the best possible sentance. I don't find myself getting any pleasure or satisfaction in any kind of social situation whatsoever. I view it as a waste of time, it achieves nothing. But I really like sex & you need to be sociable in order to get that. I find the craving for sex way to much sometimes, to the point where I neglect every single other aspect of my life in the pursuit of that. This social dating game always seems to affect my emotional state, based on past experiences. I find going on dates very mentally draining, any move you make, any word you say. All attention is on you. It feels hard when you don't enjoy socializing. Sometimes my mind just goes blank on the date, I am just sitting there in peace, enjoying the silence. I can get loads of matches on tinder, bumble etc.. I will even get girls numbers but I tend to say the 'wrong' message a lot of the time & they don't respond. Sometimes I do not even reply back to there message because I genuinely do not know what to say so I just leave it. How do I navigate the social domain? I genuinely do not know what kind of personality to forge A part of me just wants to ignore the whole social domain of life but I know that will be unhealthy as I clearly have certain cravings. I even feel this goes way beyond just dating

Yeah, but i'm afraid of escalation

I cannot even cohere basic sentences together. People will talk to me & just feel like I am put on the spot. Not knowing what to say. When people talk to me, I don't want to talk back. I do think other people just have effortless 'words' come into there head so they can vocalize it. When someone communicates with me, I don't have that. I'm like 'you have really put me on the spot now, what shall I say'. I know it is possible to get out of this place since I have been out of it in the past in altered states of consciousness My mind feels in overdrive Every single day I am questioning my own personality, when I vocalize something inside my mind, I question whether that is right or not. It is the not knowing who I am. Everything I say is how I want to be perceived by others but I don't know how I want others to perceive me? I find operating in the social domain very challenging because I question how do I want to be perceived by others? This causes me suffering on a daily basis. It is like feeling lost.

I feel like my ego really craves going to raves, doing bodybuilding, getting really good at dating. producing techno music. but at the same time I question if this is just low consciousness stuff & will not really help me on the spiritual path? will it make the spiritual path harder, just doing very egotistical things like this? Is it bad to do such a thing as a LP even if you feel like there could be a passion for it? I think I might be biased from watching to much of Leo's videos & LP course to have a 'high consciousness impact on society' or to increase consciousness in some way or to have a meaningful impact. Will this dense egotistical stuff harm the spiritual path because I might just be building a more dense ego Maybe I can just add consciousness into it in some way. I do also crave having a meaningful impact on society at the same time. What is everyones thoughts on this

I am in the process of listening to 'letting go' by David R Hawkins. I am finding it interesting & do seem to resonate with it quite a bit. I feel like I do have repressed emotions that I need to let go of but that way he seems to explain it just 'letting go' of the emotions, he makes it sound so easy. I am not sure if I am missing anything but is there a specific meditation to this. How does one actually let go? It feels quite hard if one is in a different state of consciousness. I am aware of certain emotions but honestly I am not sure how to release them or let them go. I large part of my emotional state is a state of apathy/depression/unworthiness/tiredness I sometimes get moments of excitement/courage/energy ect but it does not last long before I fall back into the low emotional states

I don’t get it, I’m good looking, tall etc…. Most girls who I approach correctly, instantly hook without me even having to do much game. Girls eye me out on the dance floor. Girls sometimes smile & lock eyes with me in the day time. I can do incredibly well with online game having the right pics. But my dating life is horrible & I don’t talk to any girls. I experience this horrible negative self talk constantly which will stop me from even approaching or if I do approach, it will make them really bad. I don’t even know why it’s still there because most of the girls I approach hook & are attracted to me so you would expect it go… I can go out to a nightclub & just do a few approaches sometimes, constantly having this inner demon self sabotaging myself all night. Making up excuses on why I shouldn’t approach etc… some of the recurring thoughts I experience: “I don’t want to ruin the girls night by my presence” “Whenever I approach it’s always so forced & can never seem to keep convo going after” “I don’t even enjoy socialising, I’d rather just dance & listen to the music” A lot of self sabotaging thoughts like that, almost like I’m not worth much to be heard. I know I could get so many lays if I cured this inner game mentality but I think it’s rooted so deep into my psyche because even if I do get the occasional lay (mostly by being approached) it does not change my inner game structure. I went out on both the weekend days & did like 5 approaches max. It was pathetic. I feel like my own mind is my own worst enemy sometimes. Going to try to do better next week with maybe some day time approaches etc but this constant internal voice never seems to go away, even if I do seem to get ‘results’ How do you cure one’s inner game?

Yeah I don't tend to drink alcohol for approaches but I do for dates as it seems to make the woman more at ease ect.... I think I often feel worse when I blow up a date. That's when I really get triggered.

@flowboy Great, thanks for that. When I go out, shall I still try & do approaches? Nightgame or Daygame? Also I have a date tonight from online game, I usually blow them so this might be helpful after the date if I blow it

I enjoy listening to Edm/house/techno that is not too hard or heavy that has nice vocals in it. Just wondering if anyone knows/has any good playlists with this kind of music?

I am lying in bed on my side and all of a sudden I start to feel my bodily energies syncing into something. I felt a lot of strange stuff in my body, energy wise. I am laying in bed on my right side trying to get to sleep while this is happening. Then I see this almost white thing ( it feels like I am seeing it in another dimension) it has the name kind of shape as a spider but not a spider, something of a different form. You could say I saw one of its white legs (quite large) trying to go into my nose. The constant whispering noise I heard is “let me in” during the whole duration, this is while I felt all strange energetic sensations of syncing throughout my body. I was in the state for a while, feeling fully into this horrible fear & terror trying to somehow get rid of it & turn it into something else but there is only so much one can take so I moved and got out of it. As I moved & got out of it, my right side of my body felt really paralysed. I feel right now my body is somewhat shaking & I am scared to get back to sleep again as if this might happen again. Something like this has never happened to me before, I am usually the complete opposite of fearful, more like dulled out to fear…. what the hell did I just experience? I felt like some toxic entity was trying to enter my being & it was so terrifying maybe I should of tried going for longer, I wanted to surrender to it but didn’t know how. I think it lasted for a few minutes but it feels so much longer when you are so scared

I have been doing Leo's LP course but cannot seem to find my zone of genius. I have tried multiple times, but when you really lack sufficient life experience & escaped most of your life by playing computer games it becomes very challenging to answer the questions. I used computer games as a way to escape from reality, I tried several visualisations & could not pinpoint anything that I was passionate about or good at in my past. If I could pinpoint something, it would be really incongruent with my impact statement. I know what I want to do. The thing is, I have everything else but the zone of genius is just missing.

@ValiantSalvatore Thanks! I think the weird part is that I heard voices saying 'let me in' I was mainly scared by seeing some other kind of entity, It felt like I was seeing it in another dimension though. White, they shape of a spider on what I could tell. I could not get to sleep for like 5 hours after because I felt like i was going to drift off into that state again. I was not even trying to meditate, I was just on my right side trying to get to sleep & it just happened super spontaneously. Don't really know what it was, I felt like I was inbetween 2 different dimensions or something.

Was not that because I could move whenever I wanted

I think I may have deep rooted issues of having low self esteem from when I was younger, I went to dozens of different primary schools & was always secluded/left out in all of them from my class, that is how it felt to me. I have never really had any friends. It has left me constantly seeking approval & validation from others, especially socializing/dating. When I do those activities I don't even really enjoy it but I feel like I need some kind of approval or something to make up for my past. I think this may be buried deep into my subconscious. Just wondering what are the most effective ways of getting over having low sense of self worth/esteem because it seems to continually result in self sabotaging behaviour in my own life with constant seeking of approval/love from others.

I went out last night, did around 15-20 approaches & got around 12 numbers but the one huge issue I ran into is the girls friends, the girl always seemed concerned about her friends first & foremost which makes it very hard to isolate to somewhere with less noise to build rapport with her. I found it so extremely hard to communicate on the dance floor. I was trying to lead but then they just say “I don’t want to leave my friends” or “I lost my friends & need to find them ”. I need a tactic to overcome this obstacle. Whenever they say that, I don’t know what to say. Ideally I would like to lead & isolate but that always was brought up when I tried.

Yeah we had a good bit of foreplay. I will keep it in mind for next time, you learn from your mistakes.

I was in my head a lot during the night so did not do many approaches. I saw this girl constantly looking at me in the dance floor & just said ‘hi’ she hooked immediately. after around 5 minutes of dancing, I decided to lead her to a quieter place to sit down so I could build rapport with her. After a few minutes of talking, I started to go for the kiss & we were making it out a lot to the point where the bouncer looked at me asked me stop doing it. I said “we should go somewhere more private” then she said ok & her place was nearby so we went over to hers. here is when the story gets quite messy…. & I felt I did not handle the situation right at all. while we were at hers things progressively lead to another but unfortunately it would not go in & made her bleed loads. She went to the bathroom for around 10 minutes & after came back into her bedroom, basically just asked me to leave. Like she went completely cold. She said she felt embarrassed, I tried to ask her why you are being like this but to no luck. She basically went the complete other way as if she was a different person, kind of made me feel bad at the time. What could I of done to of handled a situation like that? I was hoping to meet a girl I could regularly see, I tried going for a her number towards the end. Got it but doubt I will hear back from here. I think she might of been a virgin. Thinking about it I probably should of brought that up at the time, but was in a real state of shock when she just wanted me to leave. I don’t understand how I even attracted her, I felt the conversations were very logical & non emotional since I am so new to game. I did not really flirt with her. I do feel quite bad now though, what if she was a virgin & I ruined her first time. Also when we were on the bus to hers, I saw her friends messaging her really angrily because she left them. It was only at 1:30 when we left the club. I am kind of putting blame on myself for ruining her night because she ditched her friends etc… & I still don’t even understand how I pulled, it felt way to easy. I did learn some stuff though I guess. going to go out tonight also, this time I need to work on more approaches. 2 was not enough & I was in my head a lot. I even get girls giving me such obvious Indicators of interest on the dance floor but still to chicken to say hi a lot of the time I lack good inner game, I was thinking last night it was just reinforcing my lack of a person by not approaching which made me feel bad, kind of like a loop. This was all before the approach though. I work on the tills at a supermarket & had a convo with every customer before the night for 4 hours, at the supermarket, I got into an amazing state, I was basically making every customer laugh as if things were just magically coming into my mind. After that I went to a Meetup Group for 3 hours & talked to a few people there. I found after around 1 -2 hours of talking to people at the Meetup group, I started to feel very socially drained like I was very burnt out socially. I got a girls number there though & made a few guy friends ( one who went to club with me ). Also after the night I managed to get another girls number who was at the bus stop after I got kicked out. I think overall it was a good night but, a part of me feels bad for this girl for her own sake. so yeah I think that was the whole summary of my Friday i do need to learn to be more emotional with attractive women, I found it easy to make people laugh after a while at my supermarket but there is more tension with women I find attractive. even projecting my voice & talking to people feels weird, I’m so used to being in my head & never even project my voice. Don’t even have any guy friends really.

Yeah, I know for the future now. It's hard when you are new to these situations. I did say stuff like "there is nothing to be embarrased about" to reassure her but I don't think it was enough. Yeah I noticed last night I had a problem with leading right, I guess this is all the part of developing yourself into a stronger man.

I have been doing concentration practices for 20 days now, 1 hour sessions. I notice my mind will constantly go off to thought forms such as 'going to pick up girls' or other low consciousness materialism that my ego craves. It will be spinning in all of these thought forms for a while before I realize & bring it back to the breath. I used to be able to focus on my breath for longer but lately I have find these cravings of low consciousness activities really exciting to think about. I always set my intent to bring my attention back to the breath though, but it honestly does not last long at all. Is it even worth doing meditation while I have these cravings in my system or am I just wasting my time? or maybe it just may just take a lot of time... Maybe a different technique could be better?

I decided to go out today to just say high to 100 strangers, working on eye contact, vocal tonality & confidence. I would just say 'hi, hope you have a good day' or something along those lines. Unfortunately my vocabulary feels very scripted. It feels that like that alot.Lacks spontaneity. Honestly I found this whole situation incredibly socially & emotionally draining. I did not get to much anxiety though. What is the next step from here? I really want to sort this area of my life out. I got a good reaction from most, I did not really feel that anxiety provoking as I am working on desensitising myself in social interactions. I could feel myself sweating & heart pumping though, sometimes I would get into conversations with cute girls working at the store. Eventually when I got up to number 85 I started experiencing a very bad panic attack, my legs got incredibly tense & stiff so I had to struggle my way home. I thought these panic attacks have stopped because I have not had them in months.... It felt like the energies were connected to my brain, somtimes when I would take a step with my stiff legs I could feel jolts of uncordinated energy throughout my whole body, I was sure I was gunna fall over & hurt myself.. I struggled with these exact panic attacks most of my life, it even lead me to dropping out of school to escape by playing computer games. They would always occur.. I would often question if something is wrong with me. I don't know how to stop them. I am pretty sure they have traumatized me in some way. I don;t like living in my social comfort zone all the time numbing myself to existence, I think I did good doing the first step today, just not sure what to do next & I don't know how to cope with this anxiety/panic attacks.

Ok thanks, I will try that! Unfortunately right now, when anxiety is present my mind kind of just freezes so it is very hard to come up with these witty sayings, maybe I need to just do more approaches and try to learn from them or something. I think if you consciously learn from every interaction I will slowly get better. The beginning stages are the hardest because of my 0 socialization experience I have had in life