Illusory Self

07/06/2022 - Tuesday Total approaches: 10 Changing the approaches to 10 a night for probably the first 1-2 months as 20 is overwhelming when starting off. Approaches: 10 What went well? I did 10 approaches Less nervous towards the second half of approaches (slowed my speech down) Spoke to a few guys Woman I previously went on a date with thought I was drunk when I was not What went bad? Approaches were not as strong as I would of liked Didn't know what to say at all after I approached (resorted to boring logical questions) No physicality or man to woman frame (to afraid) Way to tense & anxious with the approach Didn't seem to enjoy the process of the social interaction Every girl eventually blew me out Took to long between approaches Don't think it was the best venue choice What will I do better next time? Be more dominant & assertive in my approaches Try to come up with statements instead of resorting to boring how is your night lines Approach quicker Summary of the night Went out to a bar in my city to simply practice my ability to go up to a stranger & strike up a conversation but ever single set eventually blew me out because I radiated nervous & anxious energy. I did not know what to say at all after the approach. I did however succeed in pushing my comfort zone & I feel better for doing it, challenging myself. Saw a girl who ghosted on me that I went on a date with, I made her laugh a lot just coming out with funny spontaneous lines. She even thought I was drunk when I did not have anything to drink. I did get her number again because I deleted it ages ago. I was feeling tired during the night which probably did not help me at all & was waiting to long between approaches. Mind coming up with all these bs excuses.

Day 4 Approached 5 girls & asked them for the time Today went well, I approached 5 successful however 2 did not even have the time... think they were foreign though so they probably did not understand me. I thought I spoke loud & gave off nervous energy though, should get better with practice!

Okay.... So I quit after day 6 because I found it to overwhelming to ask girls where a near location was & have they been there?... I am not a quitter though, forget about the past mistakes & try again. Going to be re-doing it today starting on day 4 again. The first 3 days were just introductory & did not involve any practice. Going to do this on a daily basis as well as go out 3 nights a week. I got this!

People have unfortunate upbringings which largely affect how there ego identity is formed, people get depressed being in isolation, People feel isolated ect.. I spend most of my time not interacting with anyone & have spend the last 10 or so years doing that (currently turned 26 around a month ago). I have watched almost all of Leo's videos, some even multiple times but I regress, often on a weekly basis. Sometimes I think I am just doomed becuase I suffer from severe depression but at the same time I want to improve. I have a habit tracking app that says, "don't drink alcohol" "meditate" "do nofap" "brain training" "kegels", basically certain things that I want to accomplish but every week or so I regress, I end up laying in bed for 1-3 days doing nothing, feeling hopeless about my life. If I fail one habit I may as well fail all of them. I think the worst is when it comes to the weekend. In my own mind I am like "I need to socialize more, get better with women when it comes the weekend" as I have no friends or noone I talk to.. but when it happens I go out & get extreme feelings of unworthiness that I feel physically incapable of talking to anyone. When people talk to me, I proactively try to cut the convo short... because I just say what is the point... This is a weekly occurence... After that night I feel so much worse that I lay in bed for multiple days wasting time on my phone.. I don't know how to fix my situation... is it my subconscious,my karma? nothing seems to change in this life.. I feel scared of expressing myself but I have 5 goals in mind that I want to achieve. 1. Become a millionaire by the time I am 30 (currently 26) 2. Get maximum muscle mass 3. Get amazing social/dating skills 4. Find my LP 5. Reach maximum levels of consciousness I don't know where to start or how to achieve these goals, I want to get my survival needs met first. Currently my money & dating situation is vey bad

Currently been stuck in a rut for the last few years... doing the same routines ect but not achieving anything. I don't have any money, not exactly sure what I want to do with my life. I am 26. I know I want more direction but I feel hopelessly lost. My Dad said he would pay for me to travel somewhere in Europe, perhaps that will shift my mentantlity. I currently seem to think negatively on everything right now. Maybe this will get me out of my rut. I sometimes wonder why I consume so much personal development but yet fail to make any changes. I think travelling will be good for me. I need to find myself more I think. I find it hard to think in my current environment. Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions on where to go/what to do? so that I could benefit the most from travelling. I have never really had much life experience.

I find it strange how my ego seems to feel some sense of satisfaction/pride if I just make out with a girl. If I don’t do any approaches the whole night I tend to feel terrible the next day.. it’s just strange how I unconsciously put so much attention on others giving me satisfaction. I don’t get why I’m so afraid of rejection when there’s so many girls in the club… sure it’s from our ancestors but you would think our brains would be more developed noticing the sheer abundance. I feel good right now simply because I kissed a girl but I typically feel bad when I don’t. Strange phenomenon if you ask me.

Be more mindful of how your ego mind is structured. I suffer on a daily basis… try to get better slowly, there’s no rush

Lately I have been feeling that I don't particularly see any point to living since I don't seem to find anything enjoyable. I tell myself I should do certain things but I do other things which causes me a lot of suffering & inner conflict. I feel worse for consuming self help but not actually putting it into practice since I lack work ethic & would rather keep my mind distracted by technology. EVERY DAY I say "tomorrow is going to be a new day", I will change my old ways tomorrow, but that never happens. I live with my 93 year old grandmother who has memory problems. I have no money. I have no friends. No dating life. Social anxiety. My diet is rubbish because I go to the gym & feel like I need to have a lot of protein. I barely have any vegetables. I feel lethargic a lot. I find it incredibly hard to concentrate. I currently feel like I have dug myself into an incredibly deep hole that is very hard for me to get out of. I spend most of my days trying to waste my days until I go to sleep, scrolling through youtube, tiktok, socials. I need to distract myself somehow from this horrible existence I seem to be living. Why does nothing make me happy & why do I always think of the negative... I know I am only 26 now but I do beat myself up a lot for consuming a lot of self help over the last 5 years but yet fail to implement any of it whatsoever. It is like a part of me is just extremely lazy to take any action or something. Lately I have been spending a lot of time just being in bed all day socially isolating. It feels comfortable to me, laying in bed all day scrolling through my phone, watching T.V, eating takeways. I feel so powerless to change anything because the exact same routines seem to keep happening every single day. I am so addicted to technology. I crave sex all the time but I have an extreme fear of approaching others. When I go out there is this part of me that does want to socialize but another part of me that says 'what is the point in doing all of this', 'socialization is such a waste of time', sometimes I find even speaking to drain me. Just been internally stuck in my head for so long & found it so psychollogicaly mess me up. I guess what did I expect. I get bullied at school when I was 12, turn to computer games to escape reality, play computer games all day for like a decade. Had no real friends growing up, no girlfriends, just computer games, because that was my comfort zone.. I got to the highest levels on RuneScape, was close to a trimmed completitionist cape.. It was my life though. I even dropped out of school because of my really bad social anxiety & I was getting such extreme panic attacks on a daily basis so. Inever even took any basic education exams.. It makes me feel like I am somehow stupid.. I wish I did not waste so much of my life in my past doing stupid shit that got me no where. It only seemed to construct a dysfunctional psyche that is extremely hard to break away from. I experience so much brain fog & no sense of mental clarity. I was on SSRI'S, I think I felt a bit better on them but I don't want be on a pill for the rest of my life... I just want to get to the root cause of my feelings... of not enjoying anything.. of extremely low self esteem. of not enjoying reality...... I distract myself on a daily basis just so I can go back to sleep & I repeat the same shit tomorrow... Groundhog day forever...

I know that’s why I’m thinking of going to a retreat centre or something, so I can purify my mind I want to go & live a more simpler life for like 2-3 months just cut out a lot of the negative habits I have. Live in some kind of meditation centre or something. Unsure where to look though.

Living in the UK

Day 5 Approached 10 girls & asked them for the time I increased the ante today by approaching 5 more, unfortunately 2 did not respond to me as they were in there own world with there earphones plugged in. Made me realize I need to do something more drastic to get the attention. I did feel quite bad at the beginning like I am worthless but after a while, I just thought it was not that big of a deal. I go on with my day. Seemed to only take around 20 minutes tops which was not to long. I was waiting to find a girl that would bring me tension instead of approaching anyone. I was practicing on feeling inwards during the interaction. Being grounded.

Day 4 - yesterday Approached 5 girls & asked them for the time I felt today was a success. I did it on a street after I finished my workout at the time. It did take some time as there were not many girls around. Will record a video later to have some kind of video journal.

@Someone here Check out goodlookingloser AA challenge, I am currently doing that. I would personally slowly ramp up the tension, I am currently just starting by asking the time & walking away. Each day gets progressively harder though. Consistency is crucial with this. Keep a tension journal & feel it inside the body when you go for the approach. Ground yourself in the tension. Become comfortable with being uncomfortable. I am rubbish at dating/socialization but I know the only way to get better is to do it on a consistent basis. It is very easy to fall into the victim mentality with this kind of stuff. Audit your thoughts throughout the day when you don't approach. I try to become much more aware of my negative, victimhood mentality during the day. It's helpful to have a journal and whenever you think of something negative, just reframe the thought to a positive one.

I am trying to think of some ideas on how to develop laser focused work ethic using the tiny habits method for behaviour change. My work ethic is currently non existent so this is an important part of my life I need to fix. I need to try to think of good prompts of behaviours that I do before the habit & something that is super tiny. An example is: After I finish tidying my desk (which is the prompt for new habit), I will set a 25 minute pomodoro timer. You just leave it at that at first. The idea behind it is if you do something super tiny, it makes it very easy to do & the motivation is less to do the activity. I am just having a hard time coming up with useful prompts or behaviours that I do in the day that will remind me to start this habit. The end goal is to be able to do 2.5 hrs of focused work without distractions on a specific task. I may try to use the pomodoro technique & see how it is. It feels so hard doing work when I am not used to doing it at all. So this new habit is something I must make tiny to start off with. Most of the time when I try habits that are to big for me to cope with, I end up falling back into old routines. I really want to try to change my identity & behaviours.

Day 3 - 24/04/2022 1. After I make my bed in the morning I will meditate for 5 minutes ✅ 'Meditated for 20 minutes as I was feeling more motivated' 2. After I put my head on the pillow at night I will read for 5 minutes ✅ 3. After I brush my teeth at night I will floss one tooth ✅ 4. After I get out of bed in the morning, I will say "it's going to be a great day" ✅

I have been reading tiny habits by BJ Fogg & finding it super interesting. Going to keep myself accountable by putting all the habits I am doing on a consistent basis on this journal. Going to start Tiny for behaviour change to happen. I am going to be using the MAP model to incorporate healthy habits for myself.

@BipolarGrowth would love to but I suffer with constant bad pain in my foot when I am standing up for long periods of time

@aurum I have heard of it, never done it though. May have to try it in the future

I have been thinking really hard lately on what I naturally enjoy to do. I feel like my childhood has given me clues, my parents always used to tell me when I was younger that I am a great actor & should do acting classes, I have been experimenting today with just trying to cause different scenarios in reality to what I am used to. I feel a natural gravitation towards acting & especially comedy, but unfortunately it is covered up loads of layers of social anxiety + filters but I notice when I get into the enjoyable state of just not going into other peoples reality & staying in my own. I feel a sense of enjoyment when I am trying to make others laugh & troll in a funny way. Seeing others smile feels rather fulfilling. I notice when I am stuck in my head a lot & socially isolating from society because of my bad social anxiety with people and not being my usual troll funny self, I feel depressed, tired, lonely, sad. I am currently 26 & have spent the last 10 or so years mainly playing computer games + withdrawing from my society. To the point where my ego mind just wants to by itself & super fearful of authentically expressing myself in front of others. I feel a lot happier today when I was actually not isolating & talking to my family just saying stuff with no filters whatsoever. It makes me feel more free. A lot of the times I feel very constricted with my own vocubalry, like how I should act etc but right now I am just typing without any mental filters. I feel the need to be 'perfect' a lot when communicating with others, even when journaling/texting. Could this be my zone of genius? I think I might start to take acting classes soon to see if I like it. There is now a few possibilities on what I can do with this: Start a comedy channel on youtube doing funny sketches Think of a funny series that is animated & can go on T.V Take acting classes & audition for other peoples T.V shows/movies Have my own comedy sketch series on T.V where I am a main actor/director A few concerns I have are, 1. How do I know what one to go down or what to choose? 2. Ideally I would like to spread a more positive message to raise consciousness of society, but ultimately I know I need to raise my own first 3. Is this not just low consciousness stuff, promoting T.V addiction? I feel like ultimately I am capable of more, but inner work is first required Interested to hear all your thoughts

@Gabith @The Mystical Man @EugeneTheSage @zurew @hyruga Great! Thanks, I wrote most of them down which I have not seen

@Kshantivadin It is a great book, what habits are you going to be doing?

Day 2 - 23/04/2022 1. After I make my bed in the morning I will meditate for 5 minutes ✅ 'Meditated for 30 minutes as I was feeling more motivated' 2. After I put my head on the pillow at night I will read for 5 minutes ✅ 3. After I brush my teeth at night I will floss one tooth ✅ 4. After I hear my alarm in the morning, I will get up without hitting snooze ✅ 'Got up far before my alarm even rang'

@Ulax Great, thanks for that. I may have to try this for reading now!

Day 1 - 22/04/2022 1. After I make my bed in the morning I will meditate for 5 minutes ✅ 2. After I put my head on the pillow at night I will read for 5 minutes ✅ 3. After I brush my teeth at night I will floss one tooth ✅ 4. After I hear my alarm in the morning, I will get up without hitting snooze ✅

Decided I am going to make an online journal for my own personal growth. I typically spend a lot of my time procastinating during my days, sitting around all day feeling numb while being addicted to digital devices. I want this to be a new beginning for me, I have been mentally masterbaiting in the self help world for years now. It just makes you feel worse as you know what you should be doing but don't take action. I am going to come up with a set of goals that I would like to achieve & take daily action on it. I have not experienced much of life & don't really find many things that I am passionate about. I hope this journal will help me try to see reality in a more optimistic way. As of late I have been dealing with a ton of self sabotage/negative thoughts which seems to further enhance procrastination. I know I can achieve so much more with this life, my intuition tells me that. When your mind sense of self is so hardwired into performing certain activities, you get used to it, putting yourself into a rut. I have a lot of inner work to do just to get my ego to a healthy state. Everyday I tell myself, "tomorrow will be different", but I am exactly the same day after day, because tomorrow never comes. You have to be so willing to change yourself to your very core. I do think accountability is very important on this journey of personal development as it can provide useful emotional support when times get tough. I am almost 26 so I am still young to make a change in my life, I have a huge fear of getting into my 40's & 50's & still being in the same place but I will still be in the same place if I don't change. It's so incredibly easy to leech money off of others & be lazy all day, basically doing nothing. I want to become a high value man. Figuring out my LP is probably going to be one of my toughest hurdles as I have a huge lack in life experience but I will do 1 hour of Leo's LP course daily as it is better than doing nothing. Sometimes I feel conflicted on what I actually desire in terms of my own values but I think you have to start somewhere + you don't really know until you are living it. I am not going to try to do to much at once, otherwise that will lead to a burn out but I am going to try to document my days as best as I can, I know there will be ups & downs but going to try have a bigger picture. I will add more goals to the list as I come up with more. Goals Improve my game/socialization Figure out LP Eliminate negative habits (being addicted to phone ect...) Consistent meditative practices (1 hour daily) Put on more muscle mass Move into own place Consistent sleep schedule Financial freedom Releasing childhood traumas Most important goals for me right now in order are #1 Priority goals Eliminating negative habits (nail biting, to much screen time, Procrastination ect.) Consistent sleep schedule (11pm - 7am weekdays & 3am - 10am weekends) Moving out Figuring out LP Consistent meditation practice Anyway, that's it for my first journal post! Onwards & upwards