Illusory Self

@Realms of Wonder Amazing, thank you so much

I am very addicted to constantly checking my mobile phone, browsing through content on youtube that does not serve me, constantly turning my phone off of do not disturb mode to see if anyone has messaged me. It basically feels like a drug to me. I constantly get voices in my head to check my phone to see if anyone has messaged me and tend to act compulsively. It does not make me feel good in the long run as I can get sucked into digital vortexs and waste hours of my days just scrolling through random stuff on YouTube to waste my time. This is definitely a negative habit that I would like to quite but I have been saying this for a very long time and have not done anything about it. I need some practical steps on how to slowly ween my phone usage time down, I can kind of rationilize and say I need to check incase my family messages me etc. But it feels very unhealthy for my wellbeing and growth. I mainly use it as a distraction and it has got a grip over my mind. The problem is I have it in my pocket most of the day, I have an app I use on it when I go to the gym and use the timers on my phone for doing inner work. But the fact of the matter is that if the phone is near me, I will most likely get the compulsive urge to check if anyone has messaged. It is like I want to use my phone without it using me, I never knew how bad this addiction was. Especially if you tell yourself to quit but fail to do so. It just feels hard as it is intertwined with my family who live nearby and the app that I use at the gym. Obviously I would like to check it a couple of times a day but I often fall into the trap of using it as an escapism. I think a few times a day to message people will suffice. Any tips appreciated!

@Thought Art That might be worth looking into, how much data you get?

This happened to me a while ago but it just popped into my mind so I thought I would share it. I live in a first world country and I have all of my family around me who love me so much. I don't have a job so I have a lot of free time on my hands to do whatever I please but what is so sad about the whole thing my mind seems to naturally harp on the negative on everything... why I don't have any money.. why I am bad with women.... why I am not making any progress. This is basically a living reality for me. So much negative unconscious thought patterns on a daily basis.. perhaps it is a depressed sense of self who knows. I remember smoking weed with my friends a while back and all of a sudden I became conscious of basically that my mind creates my very own reality. It was like "aha".. I can choose to think these negative thoughts or think more positive and uplifting ones and that nothing is wrong with me at all. It was a very epiphany moment kind of realization. I delved deeper into it by focusing my consciousness on all the love that was actually around me but was to blind to see based on my own selfishness and negativity, that started to make me cry... because I realized that love is all around me but I simply fail to see it by my destructive thought patterns. I remember tuning into how much my Dad did for me over my hardships and it made me emotional because usually I am so biased by my selfishness. I kind of forgot about this memory until just now so thought I would share it, unfortunately it did not last for that long and I returned to the state that I am so used to. Sometimes I wish the negative thoughts would stop, it causes so much unease and tension throughout the day. I am acutely more aware of them but I am constantly seeking something external to fill this 'void'. This insight made me realize that there is no such thing as a void... It feels challenging to get a more of a state of self acceptance and positivity sober however but I will keep fighting

You know the emptiness feeling, the void within like you are not complete without something in existence. I don't understand how to get rid of it. It feels like it is there a lot and I am seeking materialistic needs and wants but it ultimately does not cure the deep emptiness within. The sense of lack or not enough. I spend time seeking, facing feelings of voidness, seeking, voidness... basically repeating that cycle through my daily existence. If ultimately there is no such thing as this void then why do I feel like there is. Yes I know I am god imagining existence but reality feels so continously perpetual like I am running on a treadmill doing the exact same things every single day. Perhaps I need to spend more time alone.. most of my time is spent distracting myself.. I don't know why... It is like I am constantly distracting myself or constantly doing the next thing and then when I get there, I want to do the next thing. I am like going to go for a walk on the beach and when I get there I want to go home... It is a feeling of that I am running away from something all the time. The beach is just one of many examples.

Starting up this journal to log my nightgame approaches & to analayse my nights out so I can improve my game. My plan is to go out Tuesday, Friday & Saturday nights ideally doing 20 approaches a night. I feel really anxious because this is so far out of my comfort zone but in order to grow I must go into what I am most afraid of.

Going to be starting to do a "I love myself" meditation with music in the background that will invoke such feelings. What are your favourite meditation playlists/music? Would be interested to hear

I find even after sleeping with women, I can't let myself let loose and actually talk to them. I have this really bad fear of saying the wrong thing, even over text. I don't even enjoy the sex that much anymore, like this fear of even being around women seems really bad. I am always so afraid that she is judging me or trying to test me and anything that I say may alter her opinions of me. It is the feeling of not being comfortable being myself. Perhaps it is because quite a few women have rejected me in the past even after sex and I am afraid of making the same mistakes again. I don't even feel comfortable with my sexuality around women, I am super afraid of being dominant and taking control because it is another fear of doing the wrong thing. It is almost like I am living in a constant state of fear never knowing what to say to people. A girl came over to mine last night and it feels so strange being with her, like I am not really used to people liking me. Outside my family. It is like I want to offer her a good personality and I always perceive myself as boring and don't enjoy socializing. I also have this neediness problem, expecting validation from others. I think it is probably worse after sleeping with a woman though, it makes me feel very afraid. I feel very raw, open & vulnerable. I have this horrible relationship with myself of really hating myself so I guess when someone else likes me it feels strange. I don't really know how to make of it. I have very bad inner game and get caught up in lots of negative thought spirals throughout the day. The worst is after I have seen her a few times, I never know what to text? or when? or what to say? Huge fear of saying the wrong thing I guess even after she likes me.. sometimes I even secretly hope that she does reject me because it will take a lot of pressure off. I am scared of the rejection because of the suffering it might cause. It is like I am in a constant battle with myself in trying to say the perfect thing to avoid rejection. I really don't know how to be around women.. even after I sleep with them.. I don;t really know who myself is.. I want to have a good time with them but it is hard because I am in my head a lot. I am guessing this is childhood trauma but it seems to keep resurfacing and I don't really know how to heal my inner world.

I notice time again, going on loads of the dates that I have this root underlying fear of being seen. This run incredibly deep within my own psyche and causes uncomfortable emotions on dates. I go on the date without enjoying the process of socializing. I don't enjoy socializing with anyone. It is like whenever I communicate with someone, I am afraid of saying something that makes no sense. Being judged. I signal it down to neediness. My cup is empty and sex is the reward. When I get sex, my cup will become full. That is only the dating aspect though. I generally put intense amount of pressure to try to socialize with others (even my family) and it is challenging for me to deal with. Even journaling. It is fundamentally a fear of self expressing myself. Imagine communicating by what you think you should say vs how you feel and just saying that. It is a subtle distinction that impacts all areas of my life when it comes to talking. It is like I am way to relient on the approval of others or 'closing' the girl when it comes to man/woman interactions. I invited this girl to mine the other night after I did not close her out in public. She is a stoner and I asked her to bring weed, so she did. Wow, smoking gave me such an insight into what is possible if I let go of any expectation of impressing the other. I felt like my game was on fire and was owning everything I said automatically. Funniness and comedy game to me so effortlessly. You know when the right words/thoughts just pop into your mind at that moment. I don't want to rely on that though but it was insightful I don't learn much from dates because honestly the fear can be to much sometimes. I just talk and my mind gets cloudy, I speak sometimes. The conversation is there but it is incredibly platonic and friendly. I even get scared of leading the conversation. But I don't sexualize or there is a huge fear around expressing my masculine desires. I don't show any intent behind wanting to have sex with her. There is a fear of being seen. Like expressing my masculinity is so wrong. It gets repressed instead. I am looking for practical tips on what to do on a date. After a date. I tried feeling into the emotion and letting it stay there last night but I felt like I didn't make much progress. I think shadow work needs to be done. My inner game is so horrible when it comes to dating that it really affects my outer game. I just cannot think where this horrible emotion of unworthiness/not being good enough came from. It feels foreign to me when I women looks attracted to me. Even though I can effortlessly get 3 dates a week. I don't get it. I think this is more of a self-expression/communication issue more than anything. It does not feel good repressing my masculine urges or scared of saying the wrong thing. The emotions are very uncomfortable when I mess up a date. Anyway going to go out tonight to do some approaches.. Going to try to enjoy the process...

Went out last night and probably did like 20-25 approaches but a majority of them was in a nightclub where the girls are with there friends and the music is super loud. Some observations I made are that a lot of girls are initially attracted to me but I would open on the dance floor and my mind would just run out of things to say or the girl would find it hard to hear me. What is worse is that I found it extremely hard to hear the girl. I kind of felt like when I opened on the dance floor, it killed the vibe. I would hook some girls but then get very lost with what to do after or how to even continue the conversation. My mind just naturally was resorting to very boring questions. The summary of this is that I found it incredibly challenging trying to pickup girls at a super loud night club, should I just try to focus on doing physicality for dance floor game and not really talk? I also usually play it safe in most sets and just get the number, don't know how to lead sexually or stay with the girl the night It's like I typically open in the nightclub and my mind is like shit, "What do I say now?". I'm afraid of opening physically without words but that might be better.

@StarStruck I don't trust myself. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing incase of rejection. Afraid of making the wrong move. I get negative thoughts when interacting with woman. I am in my head way to much, unable to speak naturally or authentically. Primarily there is a huge underlying fear of pleasing the other to the expense of my own happiness. It sometimes feels like I have a dysfunctional ego. I can easily get attraction from women buy my physical appearance but they tend to often reject me, even after sex. That hurts the most. I can get a lot of dates but as you said, it is more of an inner game problem and having no character. How do I develop character? How do I trust my intuition and lead? I'm way too much in my head when going on dates, doing cold approaches ect... Don't actually improve me because my inner self is not improving. I'm still the same fragile inner self. I even get afraid of texting a women, knowing the correct thing to say. Oh what if I mess up or say the incorrect thing

Does anyone have any good brainstorming strategies for a good brand name? Whenever I come up with a possible one, I always think in my mind I could possibly think of a better one. I guess I just want to come up with the perfect brand name

I feel very emotionally blocked, like I am incapable of loving others, especially my family who are very kind towards me. Doing things for others causes a lot of resistence. I am close with my family, well I like to think I am. My parents were not the greatest parents but I had an okay upbringing (it could of been a whole lot worse). Consciousness kind of feels stuck in being closed off. Thinking about myself only. I face extreme resistence doing things for others. I rarely get tearful or emotional. It is sort of feeling like a permenant numbness around myself. Numbness to reality. I get anxiety in my mind of talking to others (even my family) when I am around them. I often dissassociate into another reality. A lot of my time is just spent by chasing my next sexual conquest to cover up the feelings of loneliness that I feel even though I have an incredibly loving family around me. I don't get it. How am I going to live a high and noble life purpose, helping others when I fundamentally don't even feel love towards others? My ego mind just feels very self serving and selfish, viewing it from a distance. Everything is about me and my own needs. This is a real obstacle I am facing, how can I feel love towards others and get fulfillment in actually benefiting other peoples lives? It's all about benefiting myself but never about others. I don't know what I need to do in order to become more selfless. It's more of a problem around my family as I see them a lot and I just want to get out of the situation.

I try to close girls on dates but a majority decline, simply because I don't build rapport with the girl. As an introvert I hate talking about myself. I despise it so much. A majority of the date is me just asking questions to the girl and her doing a lot of the talking. Whenever she asks me questions, I am there thinking 'how do I keep this going'. This creates huge problems with buiding a deep connection with a girl, hence why most of my dates fail and girls don't particularly want to see me again. It is like an inner obstacle of hating to talk about yourself. I get initial attraction from women but I hugely struggle with this rapport bit so just wondering if there is any practical advice that I can implement which will make my mind enjoy talking about myself. Kinda feels very rooted in the subconscious mind.

09/07/2022 Friday Date: 4 What went well? Stepped outside of the fear zone a lot Sat next to the girl Kissed her on the date Attempted to close Made her laugh Lead her to a bench after a walk outside Good physicality What went bad? To much deep talk Needed to ask her to come back to mine sooner Needed to build A LOT more rapport before closing Did not reveal much about myself to the girl Tried to close without much rapport building What will I do better next time? Get more into building a connection and rapport between the 2 of you Slide in flirty jokes/innuendos Close sooner Talk about myself more

23/06/2022 Thursday Date: 1 What went well? Said hi to everyone when I was walking to the bar (got into good state) Talked to the bartenders for a bit, making them laugh Got into a flow state (talked to the girl about anything) Got over my fear and asked her to watch some movies at mine Moved up from my chair and sat beside her, going into my fear Made a lot of jokes & made her laugh a lot Enjoyed the convo process What went bad? Over talkative (didn't give her enough space to contribute to the interaction) Over eager - To much pushing & not enough pulling Waited to long to try to close at mine Didn't lead the convo as well as I could of No physicality Should of tried to sit next to her to begin with Tried to hug her in the middle of the road at the end (awkward goodbye) Gave to much information away (be more mysterious) Did not ask the girl much about her own personal life What will I do better next time? Try to get a venue where there are seats next to each other Give the girl more space to contribute to the conversation Lead the conversation better Be more flirtatious/physical Try to incorpate some pulling as well as pushing Use the beginning bit of the date to vibe & try to close sooner Try to talk more without giving as much info away to keep the woman chasing Ask more questions about the girls life, show intruege and interest

09/07/2022 - Friday Total Approaches: 102 Approaches: 10 What went well? Got 4 phone numbers Most girls seemed attracted to me Good masculine body language Girls I approached were down to talk What went bad? Not enough approaches Took a long time to get into good state Very awkward at the beginning Afraid of sexualizing (played it safe by getting the number) I often did not know what to talk about Quite a few silences in the interactions Afraid of being physical with the girl What will I do better next time? Approach more Good eye contact Commanding vocal tonality Flirt and sexualize with the girl

07/07/2022 Thursday Date: 3 What went well? Gave her a long confident hug Made her laugh a bit Conversation for most of the time Held her hand on the way back Tried to kiss her Stepped out of my comfort zone What went bad? Did not ease her shyness Not much flirtation or man/woman frame Did not lead enough Not much physicality/banter Should of asked her to come back to mine sooner A lot of silence on the walk back (probably why she left) To much desperation/expectation What will I do better next time? Lead more Sit next to her Be more physical earlier on Try to make sexual innuendos Try to be more relaxed in the situation Express gratitude when my mind goes into negativity Should of tried to close sooner Steer the convo

04/07/2022 Monday Date: 2 What went well? Got a make out Tried to ask her to come back to mine Asked her to sit next to me Made her laugh a lot Made her feel more at ease with me towards the end Doing physicality towards the end What went bad? Convo was very logical and boring for a majority of the date Rather awkward goodbye at the end Sat opposite each other Should of tried to go for the close earlier in the interaction Not much flirting Some silences What will I do better next time? Try to go for a close earlier in the interaction Get more emotional and less logical Bring flirtation into the interaction Be more physical earlier on Sit next to her More playful

Last night I was out and approached a mix set, ideally I wanted to talk to this girl who was sitting down but all of a sudden this guy who was with the came up to me & was basically tugging my ear 'saying nice earrings'. After that he put his arm around me and I was talking to him for a little while before I just left the set and went back to my wings. One of my wings said that guy was just trying to gain status on you to feel more superior by what he was doing. My wing said you should stand your ground as a man and not let other guys walk over you like that to gain status on you. I am incredibly afraid of confrontation & being in fights but that guy just seemed to be incredibly there in your face. Why do some guys like to gain status over you? Do they just like to test to see how strong your frame is or try to sense some kind of weakness or something? I feel like if they sense some kind of weakness, it will give them an invitation to do what they want. My wing was saying you should not just let him put his arm around you like that and should display more of a masculine frame but the fear confrontation with other guys makes it challenging. I usually just accept things as they are or walk away without getting into debates/arguments on nights out It just made me think that I have a huge fear of even standing up to myself around other guys to the point where I am so afraid of kind of doing something like that incase I make the guy angry. What are your thoughts on this or how to deal with guys like this on a night out? Maybe he was an AMOG or something. Just seemed very arrogant, trying to test your frame. Pretty sure he even got kicked out soon after for getting into a fight with someone else.

02/07/2022 - Friday Total Approaches: 92 Approaches: 10 What went well? Girl asked me to come back to hers but I declined Good vibe towards the end Most girls seemed attracted to me Felt more masculine at the end What went bad? Mind went blank on a neutral set so jumped out to quickly without ploughing Not enough approaches Didn't approach the really hot girls (to nervous) Took a long time to get into state because of the lack of approaches Meek approaches (not strong enough) Wasted a lot of time in sets that where going nowhere Guy was being semi aggresive with me What will I do better next time? Do a stronger open More approaches Get into state faster Be more efficient with my time Hold more of a masculine frame

I am coming a lot more acutely aware that being in a good social state is crucial for game, even going on dates. Last night I went on a date with this cute girl from bumble who seemed attracted to me for the initial period of the date but unfortunately my social state when on the date was awful. I genuinely just did not want to converse with anyone, wanting to get out of there, didn't even want to try to make any moves on her. A majority of the ending was in dead silence. A lot of inner feelings of depression and worthlessness came up towards the end, like I am not even much of a man for not trying anything and thoughts along those lines. Does anyone have any good meditations I can do afterwards I can do if such experiences happen again. I got extremely emotionally triggered last night. How do you change your social mood/state when on a date, it seems so incredibly hard in the moment. Maybe it is important to try to get to a good state before going on the date. I guess to me it seems like more of inner game - childhood trauma, that surfaced. Of course the blew it because the girl is going to feel what I am experiencing. I just need some healthy strategies on improving my dates. My mind went into incredibly dark places where I did not even want to try, seemed to get progessively worse as the date went on for longer. I can easily get dates, but my issue is more of an inner game thing most of the time which kills attraction. Not the first time this has happened.

I often get thoughts "I must turn my phone off do not disturb to see who has messaged me". These thoughts are very frequent and I typically fall prey to them. Some days when I am in the midst of an ego backlash, I can compulsively check my phone every 5 minutes. I feel EXTREMELY irritated if i do not check my device. Even if no one messages me. It is just this need to stimulate my dopamine receptors of having that possible reward being the message which is completely unknown. I have suffered with this addiction for some time now and it feels so extremely hard to rewire my brain to not even find checking my phone that rewarding. I particularly check my phone to see if any girls message me via text, online dating etc.. ideally I would just check my phone 3-4 times a day briefly instead of compulsively when I don't even need to. Oh it gets even worse, I can check my phone to consume incredibly toxic content on youtube because I seem to find it entertaining. I could literally be on youtube watching loads of videos in the PUA community of people just talking, criticising each other, hour long interviews.. It is not like I am learning anything new as I know most of the theory but seem to watch just for the entertainment sake. Why is that? I would rather do that than watch a good quality movie, that is more entertaining for some reason. I feel like my phone addiction is really holding me back in life. I get these thoughts all too often. Even when outside. Is it normal? Is my brain just craving stimulation I am trying to find a good IOS app that tracks my screen time usage if anyone has any suggestions

Whenever I have sex with a girl, I always feel like I am about at a 7-8 when it comes to ejaculation. Even when she is stroking my dick. I usually try to make her orgasm first by using a magic wand vibrator so I don't feel that bad but ideally I want to make her orgasm through penetration. The sex never lasts long until I feel like I am about to ejaculate. I want to be able to last as long as possible and orgasm when I would like to. Is it just a matter of like controlling your mind? I know people say to think of stuff like your grandmother naked but it seems very hard in the heat of the moment. Sex is something I would ideally like to master eventually. The fundamental problem is that I do not last long at all. What resources do you recommend in learning to become better in the bedroom? I think maybe porn did this to me. I recently had sex on 3 days on nofap and I think doing that makes it worse, I feel like I am about to ejaculate even quicker when in the act.

26/06/2022 - Saturday Total Approaches: 72 Approaches: 10 What went well? Good vibe most of the time Fucked a girl Got out of logical mind Approaches were more smooth Enjoying the convo process most of the time Hooked a girl hard Lead the girl to my place rather smoothly Was making a lot of statements What went bad? Afraid to lead/sexualise on most sets Jumped out of sets to quickly as I wanted them to be perfect Didn't approach as much as I could of Was not the best in the bedroom Girl I fucked was not the most attractive What will I do better next time? Open more sets Learn to completely get out of logical mind and speak with no filter Figure out a method to deal with girls friends More emotional less logical Just get in there Set a more man-woman frame Summary of the night Managed to get a lay with this rather quite petite french girl (bordeline-average face). It was a good fuck and she left because she wanted to see her friend as she is only in my town for the night. Happy with myself for completely taking ownership and leading the interaction. I felt it was a rather smooth process. She even thought I was an extrovert. I did around 10 or so approaches before that which went okay. Honestly most girls give me signals that they want to fuck me but the main obstacle that I seem to be encountering is there friends. I felt a very loose vibe and freedom from outcome. Girls pick up in the sub-comms and vibe behind a person. I lowered my standards to fuck this girl, simply for a reference experience. Something to analyze.