Illusory Self

Thanks, I am going to look into doing this.

Thank you so much for that, I know this will take time since I often makes passive aggressive comments like you said. I am going to try my hardest to think of different options & possibly use the ones you suggested. I called him the other day he said "you been ignoring me" after a lot of text messages & I was like I have just been busy. He often seems to treat me like a child unfortunately. Tricky situation for sure & will probably take many years like you said. He tends to want to talk once a day which I personally find it to much. Perhaps 3x a week would be ideal & just communicate on email to do with business work. Just need to figure out a way to get there. Unfortunately when we talk, it is just talking about nothing. Talking for the sake of talking. It is so boring.

Mark Manson speaks about it in his book Models, if you say "you look cute" or anything along those terms she will think that you must go up to every girl and say that. It is a very polarizing way of opening a girl, you are going to get a lot more rejections but the girls that do not reject you are going to love you for saying that.

What I am doing right now is opening, then vibing for a bit, then go for the close (drinks or something at another date). How should I go about the interaction? I am honestly very bad with women.

I will try and test this tomorrow

I am 25 years old & have no experience with rejecting women in my life. I met this girl on a meetup group that is very attracted to me is but is 43 & looks a lot younger . Is a Christian. I did not know her age until the day after I met her. She looks like she is 30. I feel I will not be able to go very deep with her based on her beliefs. She genuinely seems to be a very nice & caring girl and only met her twice but I do not feel anything when I am with her. It is not because of her, it is that I don't feel anything being around her. I made it explicitely clear to her that I am scared that I am going to hurt you and do not want you getting attached to me. She said okay, we can be friends ect... but I know she likes me in a relationship type of way and I know she ultimately wants a relationship with me. I stupidly made a move and kissed her when we were out. I went back to hers (probably not the best idea) then when we are about to have sex and she says "I wish you would not mess with my head like you did, I can't do this" (referring to sex). I do not like rejecting people & upsetting people, because I have had it done to myself and know what it feels like. It is my life though, if I really asked what I wanted - I probably would not be around her. The feeling of rejecting her feels unbearable to me because I never had to do such a thing in my life. Women have always rejected me. Or shall I try and give it a chance? That would probably be only to please her though. I think what makes it really hard is that she seems such a genuinely nice, loving & caring girl. I feel like it will upset her. The more I meet her the worse it will be when it comes to rejecting her, maybe now is the right time to minimize the suffering on her side? This is going to be such a hard move.... but I know deep down rejecting her is the right thing to do. We have only met twice & we did not end up having sex so hopefully I will not hurt her that much. If I don't reject her, I will be living my life to please other people and that is not who I authentically am. How does one go about the feeling of rejecting others & possibly upsetting them?

I had a very intense awakening a couple of weeks ago I think (I am losing complete sense of time). First of all my ego mind could not really compehend it and thought I was going crazy, that lasted for 3 or 4 days. A LOT of zen devilry was being used during the initial 2 days and quite a bit after that also as it was a shock to my state of consciousness. I am becoming very wary of the zen devil now though. It can play a whole lot of tricks on you, those tricks can become truth if you are not careful. I did not expect to have such a radical awakening that lasted for around 5 days before the intensity of it dropped. My "ego" assumed it was a permanent thing but I guess not. After the intensity dropped, I feel the peace and silence of talking to people without any kind of awkwardness. It is nice but not as intense as the original 4 days that I experienced true liberation from mind. After that period, I learnt to practice self satisfaction and being completely happy in the presence of my own being with the different state of consciousness. Yes I still have a very little sense of "I" left. Yes I still have an "ego". I feel in my own being there is not much of it left of it at all though. I don't want to be around anyone. People do not bring me joy or happiness. I am in a permanent solipsistic bubble & am unsure what sort of practices to do. My "ego" or sense of self likes to basically self inquire into the nature of reality 24/7. My mind wonders, but it wonders in a way that does not really cause much suffering because I do not feel any kind of attachment. Being around the opposite sex does not bring me joy, I almost feel like I need to say things in order to please there sense of self. How shall I build healthy relationships? My worldview is coming to be very nihilistic. I am genuinely curious on how to cultivate healthy relationships as I am finding this to be more of a challenge as of late. Reading TMI to further deepen meditation practices, unfortunately I have a very hard time sitting down on a chair and meditating. I know that is something I do need to work on. I do prefer lying down in bed to do it. I will dedicate around 2 - 3 hours per day to spiritual practice. What techniques do you recommend?