Vzdoh

Hey guys, Question to men of this forum. Have you experienced commitment phobia in your life? How did it show up? Were you able to address and resolve it? What specifically scared you to commit? I am Especially interested in feedback from men who are very independent and self reliant but still want a relationship.

Hey guys, So I wanted to ask for your perspective on career choices I have in front of me and see what you say. End decision is obviously on me. But 3rd party view won't hurt I guess. So I worked in IT program management for 12 years until like 35 years old and then switched to finance, i. e. financial advisory, money management, investments abd markets. It was always my hobby for past 10+ years, I traded my own account and did multiple courses, including CFA. Then decided to switch, following my passion for markets basically, but also I wanted to help others invest their savings, so helping and contributing to others financial health was important to me and still is. I started as an independent financial advisor with basics like insurance and mutual funds, ETFs and basic portfolios. I did do a master of science degree in wealth management as well in 1 year while still in my previous job. In 2 years as a financial advisor, I acquired enough clients and AUM and learnt a lot about insurance and realised I need to leave to continue growing in investment expertise. Via a common friend, I got introduced and then hired by a small asset management firm, where I am now playing a role of a private banker/portfolio manager. I do my own macro analysis and research and invest accordingly. I have been with the firm now for 2 years and now found myself basically helping rich people to get richer. So contribution aspect has kinda disappeared. I still love the thrill of the markets and putting on trades, but I am bored and want to learn maybe new trading strategies, hedging etc. Also I realised that clients only care about P/L and when I am not making money, they get frustrated. And that impacts my stress levels more than sitting in a say losing position until it recovers. So I am kinda at cross roads what now? Possible routes I see: 1) Study quant trading strategies and Python programming and join a hedgefund. No clients. Only me and the market and the P/L. Huge income bump. Probably making half a mil per year or more. But I don't see how it aligns with my life purpose of contribution to others. Can't force myself to do it with only money motivation. 2) Same as above but instead of joining a hedgefund, do trading and portfolio construction education online through my investment channel. Trade my own money which is not too much right now, but I can grow that I guess. 3) Don't do any studies and just joun a bank as investment counsellor for high net worth people. Basically do what I do now but without being a primary relationship manager for clients, only taking care of investment allocation. That's what coming to mind. Also, I like freedom and the fact that I can work from home or really from anywhere and hate bureaucracy and licking anyone's ass. Hated it when I was in corporate world. What do you all think? Also, if someone is in finance, would appreciate extra input from your experience. ?????

The entire thing. Actually most of your responses are very hard to understand. Not sure if it's because I not a native speaker or its your way of expressing yourself in such a way that either you want to sound misterious or you yourself do not quite understand what you are trying to express

That’s a good start. But treating your GF is important to feel up her love tank for you. My problem with that guy was I felt he felt resentment towards spending money on me. And that turned me off him completely. I didn't expect him to pay my bills actually. Never even had it in my head. But being generous overall communicates to a woman you will be there for her in case she is indeed in trouble. What would you do if your GF loses her job and does not have like savings and need your help?

I would challenge this belief. The guy I dropped for Cheapness, was best sex of my life. 12 orgasms in one go. Never happened to me before. I still let him go. Because I am to live with a person and being able to give in a relationship is important for relationship to survive. Sex only won't save it or make it last. Do examine your beliefs about this. I think you have a blind spot. Understand that giving = generosity = support = care = containment for a woman. We love sex, but containment for us is a more primary need. A girl that just goes for great sex and tells you she does not need containment is most likely traumatised and doesn't know how to be in a relationship.

Oh! I didn't take it personally at all. I saw it was his issue. He is quite rich actually. So he can afford to splurge and buy me dinner or a bag if I was into bags. The problem for women when we see the guy is being cheap is we imagine our lives with him and we can't trust him to take care of us or potential children. There is no security, there is no feelings of containment that Teal Swan is talking about, we don't feel we can rely on the guy. Cheapness in my mind and on a feelings level implies to me that in this relationship I will be on my own. If shit happens to me financially or whatever, he is not going to help. And who wants a partner like this? So for guys who want a serious committed relationship, being cheap is a predicament to solve. No self reapecting woman who is feminine and not in her masculine with you, would want a cheap guy. Cheap guys best luck is to attract a woman who is super independent, thinks men and women are equal, won't let you be a man in a relationship, won't let u to take care of her. And probably has a lot of unresolved trauma about being able to rely on another person in a relationship and ask for help. I didn't tell all of that to that guy as he was not ready to hear that. He still thinks he is a catch. But in fact he is handicapped and at 40 years old is still single.

You talk in riddles.. Can u speak/express yourself clearer? My objective is not to get rich. I am already quite well off. The rest I really didn't understand

So u r afraid of negatives before they happened to you and you don't even try to make it work? Great approach ???

No. It's simple truth for traumatised people who are afraid of being afraid. For them working on trauma first is the key. Spirituality comes in later. It's hard to see the light when your window is stained.

It's a good idea actually. I thematic portfolio option for contribution to the world investing in companies that main goal is to improve the world around us. ESG is popular right now but most ESG funds are not original. Same old tesla, google, FB etc I will think about it. I don't want to leave finace and markets as its my passion. I love trading and following the markets. I just want to also combine it with something meaningful and something where I can contribute. No tax in Singapore so no way to get tax rebates.

Agree. Source love is the answer. But to connect to it, one need to be brave to face the fears and work with them. The more fears you face and process, the easier it becomes to connect to the source love. I had an experience where I felt connected to source love it was one of the most amazing feelings and experiences I ever had. Better than any tantric sex or anything. U r just full of love for yourself and others and you see suffering around you and your heart is filled with compassion. Literally nothing beats this!

@Superfluo @Leo Gura not my case. I am not in a limbo. And these videos assume a relatively healthy and mature individual. If you have trauma and avoidant personality disorder it's a totally different ball game.

Nothing to do with me. He is like this his entire life. I think he is FA - fearful avoidant. I told him that he is scared of commitment. We broke up. But he was super into me and still is i think. But fear is bigger than feelings,because that fear is about getting him safe when love is associated with pain and unsafety. That's what u do, u run. If u want to work on your attachment trauma, check out Teal Swan completion process. Worked wonders for me. @Superfluo @Leo Gura

@Superfluo @Leo Gura Yeah! It is terrifying! Especially if he does not want to see himself too and running from himself. I do have a saviour complex of sorts. And too much empathy i guess - feeling what the other person is feeling. It's indeed terrifying.

@Superfluo @Leo Gura Who said that I am unhappy on my own? He is a great human being with an amazing heart and I want him in my life. It doesn't mean though that I see him as a means to an end or a source of my happiness. Its actually a reverse, I want to bring joy into his life cause he lacks it and deserves to be happy. I am not talking about commitment as getting married and having kids. I am talking more of commitment phobia as inability to experience real connection and intimacy with someone because he feels frightened he will lose his freedom and himself. That's not the same thing.

Heh? How did you arrive at me feeling lonely? And how is this related to my other post? I am asking for specific career related issue here and for a specific relationship issue on the other thread. Asking people for their thoughts does not mean being lonely ???? I have friends who I can talk to about my relationship issues but they are not at the same awareness level as me, so it's gonna be pointless cause I already know what they will say. And career wise, I can't share my plans with people I know in the industry as they are my competitors. Don't make assumptions please.

@Superfluo @Leo Gura Plenty of these methods online but they don't work cause they use manipulation and not a change of a fundamental belief at its core.

That would be amazing. And make it short if possible, not 2 hours. ??? If it's 2 hours, I can't send him the link to watch ??

@Leo Gura @Leo Gura i am quite logical and can try with probing questions gently so that he asks himself these questions or at least questions his beliefs. Intimate sex won't work. Trauma there. I will have to figure out a way physically but not touching his trauma.

@Leo Gura yeah, he was in an abusive relationship for quite awhile and I guess his childhood was not rosy either if he attracted and stayed for so long with someone that abusive. I would be scared too. Good point on showing that intimacy and communion can be a beautiful experience. I don't see an issue on leading him to see and experience more intimacy if I am the one who had more experience with it and know how beautiful it can be ??

@tsuki i just find it hard to have an emotional impact on me for making the orice right. When I see more human response so to speak, I do feel it more that I contributed. Its hard to feel that with only numbers in fron of you.

@Leo Gura is there a way to challenge these beliefs though? That commitment = loss of freedom? Is there anything I can do to challenge these beliefs? Or guide him to explore the notions of communion where two free and independent individuals interact and support each other but do not depend on each other and no freedoms are taken away?

@Nahm so if I understand correctly, Both people in a relationship represent source love and they don't need or depend on one another to be directly related/connected to source love. In other words, both people are at all times independent and choose to be together to help each other to get more connected to source love energy. Then commitment is not even an issue because there is nothing to commit to? Am I following?

@Valach why do u trust yourself or why do u think you know better than they do what's good for them? Isn't it a God complex?