spiritual memes

Just wanted to rant because I had the weirdest sexual experience tonight. I'm 23 and still a virgin. It's something im quite insecure about and i've put a lot of work into myself to try and get better at attracting women. I'm still terrible at pickup and still struggle with approach anxiety and flirting and all that stuff. Well i must have done something right because a girl who i thought was just a friend slid into my DM's tonight, started flirting with me over text, and offered to come over. It threw me completely off guard because i wasn't really sure i was attracted to this girl in particular. I had feelings for her but i wasn't sure if I just saw her as a friend of something more. Because this had never happened before and I was in desperate need of sexual experience I told her to come round even though i wasn't really in the mood for sex. (I was in the middle of watching anime ). As soon as she said she would come round I suddenly felt extreme anxiety wash over me. I was not in a sexual mood in the slightest and I was worried about whether I could even get an erection up in this state. She came round and we started making out, one thing led to another and she was naked on top of me. It was at this point that I realised that I wasn't sexually attracted to her and I suddenly started feeling really uncomfortable. I told her to stop and we just sat there for a bit. We talked a bit and she went home. My mind is completely scrambled from this situation. I have been desperate to lose my virginity for years to the point where its driving me nuts yet when its right in front of me I refuse??? wtf is wrong with me? I also feel terrible because one of the reasons why i said no was because I didn't find her physically attractive even though her personality is exactly what I wanted in a partner. It's also probably ruined our friendship now and made things awkward between us. Fuck my life.

yeah I think one of the reasons was that I wasn't attracted at all to her naked body. It was decent before she took her clothes off and when she did i just realised that I wasnt attracted to her. Which feels kinda horrible as I don't like the idea of judging people for their bodies especially considering by own insecurities about my own body. Normally i would have said no but I had just watched Leo's video on always doing the most emotionally difficult thing...

lol out of all the shit i wrote, thats the one big problem?

she was chill about it but it was very awkward

I'm trying :'(

This is a worry of mine, if my anxiety is high and im not in the mood, how would i even be able to maintain an erection?

@Roy Fair enough, I guess i'm overthinking this because it happened like an hour ago. I'm worried that i'll get anxiety like this when im with a girl i'm attracted to. One of my goals is to become experienced at sex and dating so I was a bit desperate for sexuak experience. I guess this is what scarcity mentality gets you.

lol im 22 and i feel so old...

I actually quite liked the video. All that solipsism shit just didn't feel right to me but the video definitely set things straight

I found that i've become 10x more sensitive to psychedelics after doing 2 years of meditation and a 1 year break from psychedelics. A small dose of LSD gave me complete ego death and god realisation.

You might like demon slayer

@Leo Gura How do I do this without being creepy. Like whats something i can say?

@Leo Gura How do i get to this bit? I always feel a kind of sexual shame

I quit porn and masturbation a few weeks ago and I noticed more energy and confidence. However my life just feels completely empty. I lowkey think I have depression. I'm losing interest in the things I used to enjoy and I feel emotionally drained. Hope its just temporary

@Vlad_ Try mindfully experiencing the sexual urges without resistance, letting them flow through your body. It worked wonders for me

yikes

@Mosess makes more sens than what Leo is saying

@Ramu bruh i literally said that consciousness dreams up all of existence. very materialist of me...

@Leo Gura Again, I agree, but you're not very clear on what 'you' means. The limited egoic self is clearly not all there is considering it's just a concept. The only thing that exists is consciousness/God which is equally 'spiritual memes (me)' as it is Leo Gura and everyone else in that all identities are imagined by consciousness. My limited human experience is just as imaginary as other peoples experiences since consciousness (the real I) dreams up all of existence and then creates imaginary boundaries which creates the illusion of 'my experience' as well as 'others'. When you say that I am the only conscious being in existence, it implies that there are other beings which are not conscious. But there are no separate 'beings'. It's not even that i disagree with you, you just have a really bad way of wording it which makes it really easy to misinterpret. Especially because you're saying it to people who aren't currently tripping. They will interpret you as saying that their ego is the main character and others are sims characters. Unless you actually mean that 'spiritual memes' is the only conscious being in existence and everyone else is an npc...

I think this could get easily misinterpreted by most people. Most people would define 'you' as their ego so they would interpret that as saying that only their limited egoic experience exists and others are philosophical zombies/dream characters. Which is why they think you're delusional. At high levels of awakening there isn't a 'you' since the self is also imagined. So to say 'you are the only conscious thing in existence' doesn't really make sense since there is no 'you'.

@Gregory1 @Fleetinglife I'm glad it helped I did some further enquiry and realised that I subconsciously chose people who have traumatic childhoods like mine as friends and potential romantic partners while avoiding people who had good childhoods. It's an ego game I am playing because I want to maintain my victim identity and hang around with other victims. I'm realising just how unbelievably sneaky my ego mind is. Even as I'm typing this my ego mind is playing subtle tricks to get me to identify with it. I have a lot of work ahead of me. The trip was the easy part.

A few days ago I tripped again after taking a very long break from psychedelics. I was afraid to try psychedelics again due to a bad trip I had a year ago where I completely lost touch with reality and put myself in serious danger and ultimately ended up in hospital. I've done a lot of meditation and self development since then and decided to give them a try once again. I took a small 100ug dose of LSD and stayed in my room. I immediately felt intense anxiety due to what happened last time so I went to my room and lay in my bed. The anxiety got extremely intense, my heart started beating very hard and I felt convinced that I was going to die, instead of panicking, I decided to try a technique I learned doing strong determination sitting where I just sat and faced the immense fear head on. What followed was a strong ego death and god realisation experience. I'm still trying to process and integrate the trip at the moment but I wrote down my insights while on the comedown: All my problems stem from an illusory image of myself that isn’t real! It’s all conceptual but made to feel like it’s real using trickery. This illusory self is constantly compared to others and judged. As long as I am identified with this illusory image, I will always feel inadequate and unworthy of love. The illusory image is the root of all my anxiety, social and otherwise. I am love! I am the love which is the underlying being of all of reality! All of reality is just a dream I am having! We fear death because we fear nothingness, however the nothingness is actually love! I am worthy of being loved for just being the way I am! I was raised to believe that I am unworthy in my default state, and I have to change myself and achieve certain goals to be worthy of love. This means I always see myself as never being good enough and I have to be more confident, masculine, intelligent, disciplined, attractive popular etc so that I can be worthy. Our society constantly reinforces this idea which contributes to so much dysfunction. All my efforts to try to somehow try to improve myself so that I can be loved are futile and only serve to reinforce my illusory self. The illusory self can't be loved because it doesn’t exist!! My true self is always worthy of love because it IS love! I am constantly seeking love from the external world. I try and get it in the form of other peoples approval, sex, relationships, success, drugs, social media and all my other addictions. Even my spiritual work is an attempt to get love from some external god or entity in the future. I will never find love as long as I am looking in the material world because I am looking away from myself. All the love I need is in the present moment. Strong determination sitting is extremely effective. It allowed me to push past my fear of death so that I could let go of my illusory self. I’m so much stronger now because of it. My edgy and dark humour is an unconscious mechanism to maintain a part of my ego which feels like an outcast and a freak born from past experiences. I keep using messed up humour to reinforce my outcast ego and pessimistic worldview. This dark humour is detrimental as it keeps me from connecting with others. Its sort of like an unconscious way of pushing people away from me so I can maintain my ego identity as an outcast or freak.

oof i got Disorganized /Fearful-Avoidant :( How do I fix this?

Just wanted to share this video of Alan Watts I found. A lot of what he's saying is very similar Leo's highest teachings which is quite interesting.