The Heart Of Reality

Right on. Being below a 23 year old girl constantly laughing/having sex above me, whom rejected me cruelly and treated me like endless shite. Yeah, I get it. I don't have a problem with suicide. Up to everyone. Can't protect against all stuff. Freedom to be or not to be. Anything else is pretentious moralism like you said in your post. Life is absurd below the surface. A thin veneer keeping perception from shifting here. No answer. Unresolvable. Unfair. Cruel. Never gets better potentially. Tormented in our own ways. And only death/ultimate reality shifting eventually holds any hope. While stressed/strained with an unjust corrupt system. Laughed and tormented. And then no guaranteed redemption or reimbursement. Yeah, I just feel so cursed. Endless misery. Agony living in context like this

Yeah, I feel I'm in similar boat. 30 and never been with one woman/girl my age. Just one 50 year that was pretty despicable to even engage in that falsity. I feel too unpristine for these girls. It's one of the most dire issues in my life, leading to me attempting suicide multiple times/drug use. I have no idea where to find these relatable girls. Having to chronically live next to a 23 year old that instantly rejected me. I don't know that I'll ever get one. And I'm approaching middle age. Not sure whether to eternally let it go/ever hanging out with anyone in person. I feel bittered by past treatment of attempts to get one, them being ridiculous in cruel misunderstanding and non-giving-the-slightest-care. If I find them attractive it's as if they'll never go for someone that isn't run-of-the-mill like me. So automatically disregarded, plus my damaged history in terms of self-infliction upon myself. Then even if there's some alternative/hippie girl I find, probably a line of men to prove myself to her/fight off basically. Cause only men drool/fawn over women, evident by online likes and comments. And women/girls are never going to fawn/drool over any men realistically, effectively. Just a sick traumatic situation, beyond words. Sure it's not like being kidnapped and burned/cut alive. But barring that, it's one of the most heartaching subjects that seems impossible to resolve or cross the great barrier. Like girls are all mirages. Heaven denied. And never a drop of sympathy from their side seeming while I undergo this. Because for them, men fawn. They don't have to strain and ache and be agonized to contend trying to get the opposite gender's attention In vain. People always offer offensive insensitive commentary to messages like this, underblowing the difficulty factor and mocking. As if only an old/overweight/unattractive woman has to be my reality, and already had that happen so I'm just going to call it off permanently if I fail by 40. If still trying at 40 might as well give it up eternally, just mocking my heart/life value then