10001110101

@jonas i appreciate your response. thank you. I'm sure its understandable that i struggle with the concept of no good and no bad. Any recommended reading/or watching? I definitely think i am motivated by negative things like shame and fear. So much that i'm not familiar with this default internal drive to do whatever is necessary without any emotional effort. My black and white thinking leads me to believe that if i don't constantly whip and force myself to complete tasks, they simply won't be done. My idea of going easy on myself is laying in bed all day. When asked what i would do if money was a non issue, i would like to lay on the couch and just do nothing. Maybe thats just because i resist most things i do and i'm tired. I'm sure if given the chance to spend the rest of my life laying down, i eventually would get up and do something. This must be that mysterious motivation you speak of. Can i get to that without spending time getting all the sleeping out of my system? I guess i doubt that i will automatically do what needs to be done to live a peaceful and fulfilling life. When i think about just doing whatever feels right, i want to quit my job and smoke pot. This seems pretty harmful. Like if i let go of this negative motivation, my life will fall to pieces, i will be poor and addicted to drugs. Yes, i do all of my self care because i think i am in dire need of improvement. To know that it's not out of love is helpful. At least i'm not confused, and can work on self acceptance. Can i whip and force myself to love me? That would be great. Something tells me this is impossible.

@Capethaz Thank you

Thank you Seyed. I didn't even realize I thought this way. Not everyone is on the same mission as me. And that's fine. I definitely don't think I'm in any position to each anyone how to live! I'm going to check out Katie Byron now, and I'll watch Leo's judgement video tomorrow.

I feel like i have low self worth. And to raise this, i need to be satisfied and accept myself. See myself as worthy, or good. So i work hard on my issues and sometimes i DO feel good, and proud. But then i see other people doing harm or just not treating themselves or others with respect, and i feel superior. I've been treated as inferior in the past and i don't want a position of superiority over another. "We are all equal" And i'm no better than the next person. So i have the same value as this harmful person. If there is no value, then are we all worthless? I understand i am PERCEIVING this person as 'bad'. Is judgement the problem? I judge myself very harshly usually. When i lessen self judgement, i feel better. I feel good. But isn't calling myself good and worthy a judgement in itself? I am a good person. For that to be true, there must be bad persons. But no one is all good or all bad, we all fall somewhere between good and bad on this value spectrum. I understand value is a human construct and it's not real, but how do i reconcile that with real life where my well being is very much based on how much or little value i create (how much money i earn)? Also the fact that i exercise, eat well, meditate, generally take good care of myself- Doesnt this mean i love myself? If i'm willing to try this hard to feel better, i must care about myself on some level. Usually when i look in the mirror, i see a person lacking. And when i affirm "i love myself" or "i accept myself", i just think about how badly i view myself. I feel like i'm caught in a loop of hard work, judgement and disapproval. Can anyone help me untie this thinking?